I know everyone on Tumblr and Twitter regards people who are 25+ or god-forbid 30+ to be in fandom for nefarious purposes only and should be doing adult things like having a shitty 9-5 office job and then getting home and staring at a beige wall.

I'm here to tell you that my experience being 30 is largely unchanged from being 20, except I now have better communication and empathy skills from years of therapy and also from gazing into the void. Also I have more bills and stress, which means I value my time being able to enjoy a hobby like playing with metaphorical Barbie dolls.

Also, I can offer you such gems of lived-experience advice like "you may have a quarter-life crisis in your twenties as adulthood comes stampeding over you, it will suck absolute ass but you are not alone and you can do this."

Anyways shout-out to the age range who are not-elders-but-regarded-as-such-online-for-some-reason. I met a 60+ person playing my cool new gardening sim game and he's legit af. I am baby compared to that guy and he's still vibing. You're allowed to be part of online communities at any age as long as you respect the people around you.

taken: 27 may, 2018 Jökulsárlón Glacial Lagoon, Iceland

empty and alone

Yeah, I’m finally posting a color photo, though it still has a muted color palette. I gotta find some more color photos and photos of non-solitary animals to upload. Unlike the horsies, there were no other seals around, though I’m sure they were underwater or something. 

I was recently talking to a friend about stuff and the topic of relationships and love lives popped up, despite my very blatant inability to contribute anything meaningful to such a discussion. And this was, in fact, one of the four people who read the dumb stuff I post on here, and she encouraged me to make a post on “love” and that sort of thing. I initially tabled the idea, because while it’s something I have my own thoughts on, I didn’t really know what to actually talk about or what to express, much less what picture to pair it with.

I realized later that day, in my traditional 3am moments of clarity (since my mind has pretty much shifted to a nocturnal cognitive cycle), that this photo fits fairly well with what I think is a less talked about aspect of “love” and relationships. So this post is for that friend, who probably knows who they are.

In the ever inspirational words of Ron Swanson talking about his ex-wives and love life, he says, “If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?” I agree wholeheartedly. I think the human experience and life itself is about, among other things, building relationships and connections with others, not even just human beings, but even a pet. I won’t go deeper than that in terms of the philosophy of love or life (as far as I want to right now), but I think foundationally, it’s important to understand my view on that regard before moving forward.

That being said, I think neither connections or love is something that should be rushed, forced, or inorganic. Maybe it’s simply my idealism, privilege, and choice talking here. Idealism because I like to think love finds its way and people will find each other through organic means; privilege because I’ve never been placed in any position (so far) that I’ve been forced to be or not be with someone for any reason; and choice, not because I have hoards of women running after me (lol please), but more that I have to ability to find and ask out anyone I want to (not that they’ll say yes, but I have the option to at least ask), which not everyone can claim. It’s the same sort of freedom I found myself in terms of career paths, college choice and more. To that end, my parents get a lot, if not most of the credit in never really pigeonholing me or forcing me down any one path. But I realize my fortune in freedom is not something afforded to everyone. 

So in that vein, I think looking at relationships and love from the lens of choice and freedom is particularly interesting, because I think now than ever before in my life, I’m seeing the start of marriages and long-term relationships, or rather the push towards that direction. I mean it's around that age where people are young, in love and want to do something about it. Or, they see their friends around them in a relationship and want to don’t want to be left out or stuck third- or fifth-wheeling. And whether cuffing season is actually hitting my friends directly, it certainly seems to be affecting people’s parents. 

In my family, there’s a very strict “no dating till you’re settled” policy, which I guess, good luck to them. I sure as hell don’t know when I’m gonna be “settled”, as in a stable job, good savings, and a good house. I think the same rings true for a lot of Asian parents⸺strict anti-dating policy in the house...until there suddenly isn’t. It’s something I’ve heard from so many of my Asian friends, in particular, the sudden interest and goading from immediate or extended family to find a significant other, a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s pressure I see affect so many of my friends in such negative and unfortunate ways, and to what end? What is the benefit of seeing your child in a relationship suddenly? Now that they’re out of college in a job, what makes the time so ripe for love? I definitely don’t know and I don’t know if I ever will. As someone who personally values individual liberty, especially in regards to relationships and love, in particular, I am vehemently against the idea of forcing anything on anyone, particularly a relationship. It’s like how you’d feel weirded out being forced to be friends with someone, it is exactly the same thing. A significant other should be your friend in some regard, only closer. 

And yet, it seems in some confounding way that some parents are pushing their children towards the next “landmark” or checkbox on their journey of life. It’s literally like they’re the player piece on this sick, messed up board game of real Life (which in part is why I can’t play that board game anymore, bc of how meta it gets sometimes, especially this copy I saw in the store the other day advertising experiencing “crippling debt” and “quarter-life crises”. Big yikes). In turn, I see how it affects people’s outlook and philosophy towards relationships and finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. It becomes less about fostering an actual connection and more about this dumb rat race of finding someone to say you found someone. Someone I know in particular speaks regularly about his parents pressuring him to find a girlfriend, and when he doesn’t, I see how superficially he talks about women on dating apps or on facebook or social media. And yes, it’s tough to gauge someone’s personality on a platform when you only have pictures and usually a half-baked bio associated with it, but it’s also in large part why I’m against the idea of a dating app like a Tinder. On the other end, I have a male friend who is clearly very thirsty and stressing out my female friends, either hitting on them or hitting on other women around them. And while I can’t say for sure it’s a push from the parents' end, it certainly seems that way in its intensity and brazenness.

I don’t really know what to say to help people afflicted with that kind of parental pressure. I get my own share of parental pressure on other things outside of relationships, I see in my own family that pressure to get my older cousins and family members “married off”. I see my parents occasionally talk about the benefits of arranged marriage, and how the “stress of finding someone” is taken away and you can genuinely build a relationship with someone over time, and it’s kind of shocking considering my parents were not arranged. 

I don’t know what the rush is or what the motivation is from a parent for that kind of push. This may just be my idealism talking, but I think that “emptiness” people feel or parents think their kids will face from a lack of relationship is not a square hole for a square peg. I think for all my lukewarm attitude towards Disney Princess movies, I think one of my favorite things from Frozen (which overall is still just ok imo) was how “true love’s kiss” to save Anna wasn’t a kiss from a boy, or someone she would marry, but the love from her sister Elsa. If you think your child is lacking in “love”, you can provide that love, they can find it from other siblings, from friends, a pet, even a toy (like when you’re a kid), not just from a boyfriend or girlfriend. And barring the whole “evolutionary goal of a species is to propagate their genetic info” and that nonsense, it’s ok to be by yourself (hehe old post). And if you don’t find anyone now or later, there are still so many ways to find love that doesn’t require a traditional marriage or relationship. 

At the very least, don’t be your own impediment to choice or freedom to be with who you want. You obviously can’t control other people, your parents, your friends from pressuring you, unfortunately, but ultimately it’s your life and not theirs and you deserve to be happy, no matter the form that takes, even if it means seeming “empty and alone” at times to them.

tl;dr - you alone should be able to choose to be alone