just finished The Yakuza’s Guide to Babysitting (the anime) and its very good! very cute and wholesome ^_^ if you like the way of the househusband, sweetness & lightning, or kotaro lives alone i highly recommend it!

content warning for blood and violence throughout most of the show, and attempted suicide in one scene in one of the later episodes

i cant speak for the manga as i’ve yet to read it but the anime contains no sexual content. like literally there’s only one adult joke i can even remember and it was about a guy and his wife having makeup sex

Holy fucking shit i had a dream

Im freaking the fuck out yall.....i- i feel weird

someone play ghosts by sophia ?? idk thats not even relevant i dont know what im doing

Okay so.....remember last night when i was like brooo i get it liam you wanna fuck. Yea, no i felt his energy so hard. I kept just like sensually touching my body and my self (not like that) but i felt so radically horny and i was just grabbing my boobs in a billie eillish male fantasy way and i was laughing like "why would i wanna grab my fucking boobs like this is not me this is him"

Yea well so then in my dreammm. I was on a cruise but ALSO just in a fancy christmas mansion with my family. As always. But basically me, erikka, liam, and eventually her boyfriend too? But we were watching TV. Me and Liam on one bed, erikka on another. And i was laying on my stomach, in.....a bathing suit? Bra and underwear? and i was under a blanket and it wasnt weird. I think we were going to a beach soon. But yea i was pretty naked haha. And im just flipping through channels we're watching like disney plus or something?? Old kid shows. And Liam starts carressing my back, just rubbing it cause we're cute cuddly and watching TV. And i was living,

haha i did not expect him to be affectionate, but all of a sudden he was casually rubbing up and down my back. And i had chills, i had butterflies, because so hard i was tryna act cool so he kept doing it, but also erikka was right there so i didnt know if it was coming off racey but also i didnt really care oops

So then he starts realllyyyyy touching my shoulders, all parts of my back, going lower and lower to my butt. Like literally grabbing my but a little. And it felt so comfting and so goood like i was comfortable and felt safe but i was like holy shitttttt bro. This is so hot i cant believe hes doing this.

THEN, he starts giving me a full on massage. And like its so full on haha. We never discussed it or anything. But he was like straddling me in....(omg i felt this last night) but sort of in doggy position. behind me working through my back. And i felt so good, i was so relaxed, i was so happy. THEN, he even got lotion, and the lotion was so cold i remember. And he was fulllllllllllllll on lathering me, my back, my legs, my ass, my back into my stomach

Like i specifically remember, being sort of in a doggy position, and he'sover and over again, massaging with lotion my lower back into my stomach sort of? and for a sec i got insecure like. Ew he can see my back fat, i dont look pretty from this angle, my body is porbably so unflattering, but in real time i had to stop myself and be like "stop it, he loves you, he thinks every part of you is perfect and beautiful or else he wouldnt be doing this right now? like homegirl if he was repulsed by your body he wouldnt be worshipping it right now hahahaha"

So i had to fight off feelings of insecurity, cause i knew i was being silly like his love language is physical touch and he couldnt be showing me he loves me anymore right now. I was still just feeling a little insecure about erikka being there. But yea so he was massaging for sooooo long. And i never asked for one? so i was like holy shit this feels so good, i have to ask if he wants one when he stops to be fair.

And yea i was just really trying to live in the moment and appreciate it, cause i....was like "i always thought the "i did it" moment would be the kiss, but holy shit this feels like it too" And i was trying to come on tumblr and post like "liams on TOP of me right now hahahah wtf"

swipe for pt 2

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

Also im sick of obnoxious japanese eaters

Things ive found out are myths here

1) everyones nice.

No. Everyone smiles hard to cover up whatever assholery theyre doing - if theyre supposed to be nice to you. Public people are the same as usual... except theres alot more shoving

2) everything about school

They don’t pay for school. Its free. Just like ours. Except private school. Just like ours

They are not MORE overworked in school nor do they study more. Their rules are much loser. And just like the states, teachers have no real authority- but unlike the states - the students do not fear repercussions. They can be touched though but thats more because japanese people think its fine to touch each other a lot - ya know. Just dont hug as an adult - but all other invading of some kind of private bubble is fine

3) SLURPING No thats not just a “it shows you love the food!” Bs. Just like the states, the people you hear disgustingly slurping just eat loud and are gross... imo... people here dont seem to think its gross but far more people eat like civilized humans and dont slurp everything from solids to actual liquids.

K like every time the past two days ive had to be near people slurping their fucking food and as a person who HATES hearing people eat... its why im bitching here. LETTUCE DOES NOT NEED SLURPED

4) just anything they call “culture” they used a pretty word to cover for “thats just the dumb thing we do here” its literally like if we said aggressively speed driving and cutting people off is new yorkers culture

Japan has a lot of history and traditions. But mostly they have a lot of bs that theyre just too stubborn to acknowledge and change so they lable it culture. Any changes they make are pretty much like when my great grandmother got a cell phone.

She only turned it on to charge it and make a phone call - leave a voicemail saying that she called - and then would turn it back off. It wasnt ever even on long enough for her to need to charge it.

But in her mind no one could complain that she didnt have one. And the only emergency in her mind was her needing to call you - not vice versa. She wouldnt use it for any other purpose and generally resented its existence. She hated watching anyone else use their cell phones to check the time or take pictures or play games or have lenthy conversations.

Yea. Thats basiclly japan with everything new. They have it. But they dont use it , and its possibilities scare them so the old ppl say its not allowed to be used unless the old people need to use it

Sorry man i hate everywhere i am. My aparment is next to a bar that looks permanently closed during the day. I had no clue it was there till after i moved in and the loud karaoke blared into my window every damn night

My train line is a nightmare and if you wanna see the worst japanese people can be. Ride the train during rush hours

My post office is far away and they refuse to ring my doorbell when i have a delivery and instead just leave slip - if you dont hike over in their made up time period they throw your stuff away

No one will actually help you with serious stuff. They just smile and say sorry and run away — customer service. Yea. Not customer service. They could just as easily be a manican with a smiley face - itd serve the same purpose.

Theres too much paperwork constantly all the time about everything

Nothing is online

Another thing that prompted me for this “this is japanese chocolate”

Cool. I got that its japanese. Im in japan. Everything people point out for me “its japanese____” fucking imagine if we felt the need to point out every damn item as “american” in the states. Why? What is the meaning of this?

They gave me a table to sit at at this school. A table. That they make lunch on and put all their supplies on. A dude just kicked my chair as he came over for some shit. Why am i sitting at a table? Very very few japanese people ive worked with dont make me feel like an adopted pet dog that theyre not sure if itll bite. Dog. Not new person. They literlly have the children fetch me...

And ive grown so so very tired of being asked questions with the intention of having me overhype japan while maintaining that im so stupid that i know absolutely nothing about the country

98% of japanese people assume that you think of japan like youve never even heard of their country before arriving and that you just arrived two days ago

Also. Maybe they think their test scores and clases are so much more difficult because they cant seem to fathom that most other countries schools function the same way as theirs

Yesterday a teacher said “ah theyre so overworked. They have alot to remember” i thought she was about to tell me how many units were on their exam or something... no “english, japanese, science, math, history, pe, food class, art! Too many things. Theyre very overworked”

..... are you for real? Im pretty sure every fucking school has those subjects if you switch out japanese for the countries native language.... this is NORMAL

Im sorry. I know the reason anyone talking to me like this might not like me. Cause im not gonna go WOWWW SUGEII?!?!? So much stuff!! Poor them!

No. Yeah? Thats school...

Look im not an asshole to my kids. If they can manage to tell me any information about their life in english or simple japanese i can translate - i act surprised/ or am if their english is super good.

But adults... no man. Learn some stuff about the outside world. Youre not specifical

Also dating boys here is just like back home except they wont block you and they respond less

Instead of getting “nice” “oh” “idk” and “maybe” as there fading messages - they just leave you on read. Or give you some random information that you didnt ask about that has no relevance to the ‘convo’

Also also. “Speak slow” they dont say this in a ‘my english is not good so speak slower’ way. They say this in a ‘i felt really good about my english until you spoke at a normal pace and my classes and ass-kissing white dudes have taught me that enlgish is spoken slow and percisely so if you dont speak with a japanese accent, your fast english is wrong’

Whatever but like... could you return the favor by speaking japanese slowly. Speak it the way you want me to speak english....

Telling them to speak slow results in something like

... nihon..de〜 nan mabdnshsnabsjsnjsbshssnbsjsbsjshsh ka?

Woah ok... something in Japan... couldnt catch the rest of that

Id be more understanding of this. Its hard to speak slow. Lets both acknowledge this and not - teachers compalining to principals and boys... (1) sending me a fucking video on how to speak my own damn language properly

Also. Do you know how upsetting it is to listen to a student say something perfectly but before i get to praise them - have the japanese teacher jump in and “correct” them...... no no dude please. I know youll have a fucking meltdown if i say no your ways wrong. But now this student is so confused desperately staring at me positive theyre correct and all ive come up with to do is smiling and nodding at them while repeating the way they said hoping the japanese teacher wont notice/get offended

Also togo food... if its not american fast food... generally you cant take it to go... its sad. I have no friends. I just wanna take this home to eat in front of my tv. This isnt serious. Its just a minior inconvenience

Also joking... my japanese isnt good enough to joke. And... idk how... cant explain. The other day a student asked whats my favorite food

And another went hamburger?!? Mcdonalds!!?

I wanted to comment.. but. At least elementary students understand sarcasm. Their teachers dont. And whether the middle schoolers understand and just dont care is up in the air.

Oh! And. I was right last week when i didnt trust my teachers saying that the obvious bullying was just a misunderstanding and the obvious targets fault. Another straight up teacher said some kids have left the school because of bullying and theyre really awful when left alone in the rooms... i told him thats why we cant go unsupervised in america. Japan says the students are just perfect upstanding citizens, so much more caring and mature than other students. Nope. Middle schoolers will be middle schoolers no matter what country.

ok i wanna return to that “a.c.” list i made b4 because there are other thing that i usually no of but forget abt when writing so !

1. low apathy like B. has really tough times reading ppl if they arent direct & it just !!! bugs him he’s very bad at emotional stimulus and clues and wishes people just told the straight truth & etc !!

2. he learned ASL but rarely uses it bc it embarrasses when he goes NV (more relevant as a kid but he didnt know it then) but he ALWAYS feels the need to talk w his hands when he cant talk but he doesnt know how to make that work

3. oooh super hard time w phrasing things when its important (conflict, arguments, when he has a really really good point in his head !!!) its just lost when he gets it out he has to stop and thing abt how to even get a coherent point out sometimes (he needs 2 close his eyes to do it somewhat right and it feels kind of silly for him at first but he likes it now) 4. hes so literal sometimes its frustrating !!! part of being so direct he takes things literally and he actually had 2 learn around it as he grew up bc things just never went right, he got teased for it and ppl would say weird sarcastic rude remarks when he was little and it would just go over his head !! also it got him in trouble as a kid bc he’d be told to “be nice” and “always be honest” and stuff like that and he’d tell ppl he didnt like them at parties or smth or some other rather negative fact that he didnt think was bad bc he thought he was being good and following rules and that doesnt make sense !!!

5. he has really weird habits that he doesnt understand as weird he doesnt get when ppl explain Uh No That’s Kind Of Odd to him bc it just doesnt click (this was esp as a child) everyone says he was a weird kid and that doesnt click w him bc “excuse me i was a perfectly normal child ??? i dont understand??”

6. he has really weird times forming bonds & like relationships still feel kind of weird to him he has weird/kind of skewed ideas of things that dont match up well and he has trouble just ?? connecting its weird

7. okay ive mentioned this all the time and even on the last post but he has touch aversion !! he’s okay w quick things or when people get permission first but otherwise sometimes it just really bugs him !!! full body things (hugs, cuddling, etc) are the worst bc sometimes people just do it !!!! and he doesnt like it & people just assume he’s in a bad mood but no !! he just has sensory issues!! he hates shaking hands at parties and events and things and how people always pull him around or flirt w him or anything its just so touchy (and social!!) it wares him out

8. speaking of sensory things he hates suits & bracelets bc they feel weird and bad !! bracelets always slip around (and he has issues w things on his arms anyway) and they move to much and they aren’t even on both sides and they’re just frustrating !!! suits he hates bc of the pressure on the neck when you put a tie on and it feels gross and weird and too close & he just hates it he likes close that are open and not too tight but dont show too much skin(arms specifically) so he likes lighter fabrics and stuff !! he also likes shoes that lace up or have something to tighten them bc he loves tight shoes and how they feel 

9. he’s suuuper fidgety sometimes he likes to chew on things when hes thinking or idling (he tries not to tho bc people get weirded out or think its gross and he just. doesnt) he plays w his face w his hands when hes thinking too (usually lips/chin/nose (in that order)) he likes to play w his fingers and stuff and he fidgets w clothes he likes to click pens or tap his fingers (usually when hes either in a good mood or bad mood lol) he loves to play w people’s hair and just touch it sometimes he likes spinny chairs (not 2 spin in them usually but to turn them a bit when sitting)

Huh! An Idea!

Hey I just heard about a very cool-seeming anime called (I think?) Rehibilitaion Of An MMO Junkie! It seems really nice cos its one of those stories about hikkomori (I think thats the japanese word for it?)- depressed people who stay at home all day and are socially anxious about going out in public. LOL RELATEABLE, AMIRITE? no but seriously beyond just Jokes, this is a very sad modern manifestation of a timeless mental illness, and i know these feelings well and i wish people could have less stigma about this and instead just give these people the help they need. And that’s why i love this anime concept, cos its a sympathetic take on one of these people as a protagonist, and how videogames as escapism can be A Good Thing and how long distance relationships Are Also Good. Like wtf, subverting all the cliches at once?? Its a really cute looking romance story of her meeting a guy online via vidjagaems, and their love being absolutely real and pure, and it rekindling her will to live and helping her find the courage to take more risks in real life and start the road to recovery. And then they work thru all their various issues as a couple and meet up in real life and have a happily ever after! :D

Now okay, that sounds really cool and I ABSOLUTELY want to watch this show and I will make more posts about it when I do! But also it gave me a bit of a story idea so i’m gonna ramble!!!!!

Okay so kind of a wasted potential thing here is how it has a plot about the two halves of the couple playing as the opposite gender online and like.. nothing is done with it? Nothing really creative or relevant to like.. gender. It just seems like a weird way they could invoke LGBT imagery but technically not be LGBT I guess? Like neither character is trans or has any deep reason for playing that character except ‘my fave colour is pink and people would make fun of me if they knew i was a dude’ and ‘i wanna play a hot guy cos i was kinda lonely and drunk when i saw this MMO’. But then a lot of stuff about it kinda feels like the writers were.. not predjudiced against LGBT or anything?? like the lady protag has NO angst about getting a crush on a seemingly female player, it seems perfectly acceptable in-universe and nobody even mentions homophobia. And there’s a pair of characters that for all extents and purposes looks like a gay couple for half of the game its just like a footnote that one of them is female in real life. So like I don’t know if this was someone being overly careful to censor stuff while still hinting at it, or like if it was never intended to look LGBT and it was all a weird accident?? But anyway thats why it made me go WTF THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH POTENTIAL IN AN LGBT MMO ROMANCE and hey here we go!

THE IDEA TIME what if there was an anime about someone who plays a (presumed) cis dude in an mmo who is actually a trans dude irl? so you could have the same plots about keeping a secret and having a big difference between real and internet personas, but also it could be a wish fullfillment persona and the plot could be less about ‘i’m lying about myself’ and more about ‘the only place i can be the real me is online’. And how sad that is and then how triumphant it could be at the end to be able to be himself in the real world too! and also like... its already coincidental enough that two people would fall in love in an mmo and then end up to be living in the same neighbourhood in real life. so if this anime has me have to believe that silliness, its not too silly to say that two trans people could bump into each other in an mmo! have a trans man and a trans woman who meet as their online personas without knowing either of them is trans, and then their adventures online forming their relationship, learning about each othr, and like meeting a bunch of other LGBT players and forming a guild to fight discrimination in the mmo community?

Also it could be interesting to maybe combine this with the ‘trapped in an mmo world’ genre? Like it’d be extra cool to be a trans dude who’s like.. one of the only people who doesnt want to escape the MMO world. And people could think he’s just a childish jerk who’s addicted to the fantasy life, not knowing about his secret reason he loves this new life. So maybe his personality could be a very ordinary and cute looking dude whose personality is like.. absolutely fearless monster battle man! Like everyone else’s mmo avatars are all super idealized cliche buff and hot people and his is just as close as he could get to his real self but post transition. So he’s five foot tall and chubby and has big ol soulful dragon ball Z krillin eyes and then his job class is something unfitting like gladiator or barbarian with an axe twice his body size! And then in retrospect that’s the most cliche masculine class so maybe the female lead could be a not cliche feminine class, so it doesnt seem like I’m making any statement? cos ‘youre not trans if you dont act stereotypically your gender’ is a real issue within the community, sadly. Oh! Maybe! Maybe theyre both buff classes! But like he could be a tank type that protects his allies and she’s just a regular warrior with no extra functionality. Or another DPS class like thief or black mage? But I like the idea of two very shy and adorable people who both prefer buffness, and then having kind of a badass hero role amoungst their guild and the plot itself. Like, winning the actual battles against bosses is less of a challenge than conquering their various real life worries and being emotionally ready to return home at the end of the journey. Its like a slice of life hiding as an action show! Except you still do see action, its just all comparatively effortless like one punch man. Oh and maybe while male lead made his avatar look just like himself but post transition, female lead’s avatar is kind of an exaggerated ideal stereotypical female thing? Because she’s self concious about being very tall and not very curvy and stuff, even post transition. And like she’s angsting about being forced into further cosmetic plastic surgery that she doesn’t really want, to get a body that she doesn’t really want, but feels like she HAS to have. Like maybe she has some sort of friend in real life who’s like a Fedora Wearing Fake Nice Guy who keeps trying to get her to give in and date him like ‘you’ll never get anyone else’, and trying to make her change herself. Negging champion of utter hateability!

And then female lead could be kind of a mentor role to male lead because she’s post transition, and motivates him to believe that someday he’ll be able to transition too and he doesn’t need to stay trapped forever in a fake world in order to be himself. And he could also be the same mentor role to her because he’s like... happy? Well, obviously he isn’t 100% happy because that’s his whole problem, but he doesn’t have the same social anxiety issues and he’s more confident in his anxiety without worrying that he’s wrong and he really is a girl, etc etc. Like he’s at peace with being trans and his obstacle is just feeling like he’ll never pass successfully without surgery, and never be able to get that surgery. It took him ages to even get on HRT, possibly because of something like being trapped in an abusive family that didnt aknowledge his gender? or possibly just because of being in a country where he’d need a lot of money to get the treatment he needs, or because of struggling to find a good doctor? So anyway now he’s just started HRT and he expected everything to be okay now, but he’s getting frustrated how long it’s taking to have the amount of visual change he needs to be respected by his coworkers and stuff, and now he’s had some sort of other money emergency and he may not be able to get top surgery in the end. So at the time of starting this MMO he was really un-optimistic about his future and looking for an escape. And she was looking for a similar escape because she didnt have any support group while transitioning, and had got trapped into an abusive relationship with this other dude that was making her feel like a fake woman who’d never be loved by anyone except him. So she was considering giving in and falling into his trap, and that’s her reason to be terrified of going back to the real world... And so they both are all OH MY GOD YOURE SO AMAZING I’M SO TRASH about each other, and they help teach each other two different aspects of self love that they were missing, and they make a bunch of other friends in the LGBT community, and generally find the love and support they always needed! And then in the end they could go back to the real world and move in together and slap negging man in the face, and keep in touch with all the other guildmates and create a better community for all queer folks playing this game! Woo! And also maybe the final scene could be like ‘wow we havent seen you guys for ages’ ‘yeah we were so busy with the wedding, we couldnt play!’ and then the guild’s wedding gift to them was saving up for a rare ingame item that lets you re-customize your character, and female lead makes one that looks closer to her real life appearance cos now she’s happy with herself! and then we pan out and see that male lead now also looks totally identical to his ingame self, and he did manage to transition in the end! ...and then i dunno, cliche anime everyone looks at the camera and jumps and the theme tune plays, lol