not sure if you've been asked this before but do you think you will return to writing fic about bb and if so, would you include sr in your stories?

The last time I was asked this was back in March or April. And it’s difficult to give a final answer. I want to return to writing. The thought of abandoning all my WIPs and notes and ideas forever is a depressing one. And if I’m being honest, the longer I go without making something, be it art or fic, the emptier I feel.

Do I think I will? Return to writing? That I’m less certain about. The events of this year have left me feeling a bit disillusioned. Disenchanted. Disappointed. Yeah, they all kinda have the same meaning, but I guess I’m just trying to convey how this thing with Seungri, this tragedy, and the ongoing struggle within the fandom seems to have slowly stripped away my ability to separate BB’s public personas (and private selves) from the fictional versions we as writers play with. It’s broken down some necessary barriers.

The situation we’re in is too serious, too real, too heavy. And in my heart I feel there’s still too much uncertainty about their future. That uncertainty is steadily chipping away at the compartmentalization that let me comfortably turn them into characters and use them to tell stories. When I sit down and stare at all these notes from a happier, easier time I no longer see what I once did. I wonder, “Who wrote this? When? And how?” There’s some guilt too. Like, who am I to toy with them like this, to reduce them to fanfic fodder when so much has gone so wrong? Some fans have successfully escaped into fiction this year to forget; for me it’s the other way around. It’s been nine months but in a way the scandal is still front and center in my mind, and fanfic can’t overpower that. If anything, I’m almost… afraid to touch it again.

For example… the one fic I finished and posted this year, Sugar Kiss, was a smutty ToDae oneshot… and, regrettably, a sequel to a DaeRi fic. It was something I started late last year and had mostly completed by January, well before the scandal reached a boiling point. All the fic needed by then was a little polish, and it took me until July to find the energy for it. The teaser/summary was “It’s Daesung’s turn to be a bad influence” because in the fic before it he and Seungri had gotten up to some ~naughty fun~ together and Daesung decided he liked it enough to pass it on. So in Sugar Kiss Daesung shares what he learned from Seungri with Seunghyun. The joke was that Seungri persuaded him into mischief. Seunghyun even has a line in which he calls Seungri “a bad influence,” which one reader got really upset over, but I didn’t mean it in a bad way when I initially wrote it earlier this year. It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Just some silly, sexy, lighthearted fun, nothing more. I felt a little iffy posting it on the heels of Seungri’s scandal but in the end threw caution to the wind and went ahead with it.

Then, a few days later, the news about Daesung’s building broke and suddenly people were saying, “Daesung might be in on it!” and “He’s just like Seungri!” and “Daesung said they’d become close recently!” And I was like 😰 I had a few days to feel accomplished, after that it was pure regret. It’s like nothing is safe. Things I enjoyed before without thought or care… just aren’t that fun anymore. It’s really sucked the joy out of storytelling using real people. The thought lurks: what if some of the questionable stuff I write about them turns out to be, well, real? And then I have to either denounce or defend what I’ve written. People are still leaving kudos on that fic and its prequel, and every time I get the notification I wonder what they really think of it.

Anyway, to answer your other question: even though my view of Seungri has soured significantly since spring, my feelings on the matter of his involvement in my future fanfics, if any, have remained… largely the same. I think. The last time I talked about this I said I might continue to include him, but clarified that it would depend on the timeline (pre/post 2019) and setting (canon compliant, alternate universe). And also what role needs filling. Even after all we’ve learned about him, Seungri is still an interesting character to me with traits that I consider useful for the types of stories I like to tell. He’s a good foil for Daesung due to their opposing personalities, interests, lifestyles, values…. and for this reason I’ve always had a tendency to depict him as someone who brought conflict to the group in some form or another. His fans who found their way to my fanfics sometimes asked me to be kinder to him. Let’s just say now there will be no more pressure to pull my punches. That said, I expect any parts he does have will be small and fairly insignificant. A line or two, maybe even just a mention. My goal isn’t to pretend he never existed, just to avoid giving him undue attention that might, y’know… encourage people to like him.

…there is, however, one possible exception to that. Carnivores. Don’t think I’ve touched on this here yet? I had tentative plans to continue that series one day. Yes, even though I swore it was over. The story and setting is still meaningful to me and those characters feel more divorced from their inspirations, the Big Bang members, than any of my others. “They have lives of their own,” a reader once said to me, and I have to agree. You could change their names and I would still recognize them. I hoped it would be nothing too serious this time, nothing too intricate, just a oneshot catching up with the pack in their new home a year or two down the road. Here’s the problem though: Seungri was finally going to get something he’d always wanted. Something hinted at in the final scenes of Innocence & Instinct. And I wanted to scratch the surface of how they dealt with that.

Too bad 2019 has all but blown those plans to pieces. Carnivores!Seungri is not Big Bang’s Seungri or Lee Seunghyun, he is just a fictional character bearing his name and likeness, but even so, the absolute last thing I want to do right now is give him something he’s always wanted. No matter how I look at it, the thought of writing him into an important role comes off as really distasteful to me right now. So if that’s ever going to materialize, yeah, it’s gonna be awhile.

But wait. What if I give him something he’s always wanted… and then take it away. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It came to me one day months ago, how I could work the events of this year into the series. Some parts of Carnivores do mirror real life events involving BB (such as Jiyong, Youngbae, Seunghyun, and Daesung confronting Seungri in Dreams Like Ashes over fears that he’s going to leave them for his newly formed group of human friends. Though I sort of glossed over it, this was based on things they were saying about him back in 2016, which was when that fic was written). So working his recent rise and fall into a future installment wouldn’t exactly be a new approach for this series. You could even say I’m a little intrigued by the idea.

Still, it’s too soon. Too fresh. And I don’t know how it ends, in this world or that one, or if I even have the creative energy to tackle something so… disruptive. Reality is hard enough. So until then, those plans will stay right where they’ve been all this time, boxed up in a dusty corner of my mind. I hope that one day I can reach back inside that box and share what I find with you all. Until then, I think what I need is a clearer sense of direction from BB… and more time to work up the courage to try.

Love and Redemption, eps 31-40 (painful thoughts lol)

I love these posters, they’re beautiful. 

Well, I officially hate everyone who likes to claim they're such good guys. Because in this drama, chances are, if you have to say it over and over again or you have justify yourself in the name of the greater good, you're actually full of shit. I feel like an overdramatic after watching these last ten eps, because before I clearly didn't know how much more bad things could get and I still haven't seen the worst, but I made such a fuss and now I can't even be angry lol I'm just so worn out, so tired and want my happy ending now. Yep, this is totally a fun drama to watch!

Anyway, no matter how bad things ended after these ten eps, I feel like this has been the most rock solid the relationship between the OTP has been. And with such good moments, and I don’t mean hot and heavy makeouts, I’m talking about trust and loyalty. I just wish Sifeng would’ve told Xuanji the truth about him being a golden bird demon, that way she would’ve never doubted him or be in pain because of it. And it was so heartbreaking to see that moment. All went to hell, people were dying and fighting, their parents (in retrospective it was obvious that the sect leader from Lize was Sifeng’s father but wtf who puts a lover’s curse on their own child? especially if you have been through it?) telling them the other never cared for her/him and they were just there, in the middle of the battle with tears in their eyes. So saaaaaad.

I loved that Dijun heard this bit! Of course that only makes him angrier and super jealous, but I love to see it gets to him, it’s a little win.

It was obvious the drama was going to go the “his father killed her mother therefore they cannot be together” route *facepalm* Of course! Because the world and the 3 realms are against them! His father didn’t really do it, as we found out later but that was enough to shock Xuanji for a good while. She still trusted him, but she was wary because Sifeng lied to her. I get it, but at the same time, Xuajin dear, can’t you see this is exactly what he feared? There was a reason he didn’t tell you.

I feel like I’m a step closer to finding out how Sifeng and Xuanji came to know each other when she was still a God and why he followed her to the mortal realm and had to get through 9 lifetimes together. Didn’t fanfic writer from heaven told Tengshe that, when Dijun married another woman (and btw isn’t he still married? the heck?), God of War went away and her only company were some golden birds? Am I reading too much into it? But, isn’t that weird? That was after the big war with the demon realm, where she defeated the Star of Mosha... so is Sifeng really him? I’m super confused.

HAHAHAHAHAHA The audacity from this man knows no limits. I couldn't believe he dared to say something to Tengshe when he has been sticking his nose into Xuanji's mortal life for years! I HATE HIM more than the bad guys. To me, he’s the number one enemy and I fear my hate for him will only grow more. I want to see him fall, real bad and real hard, from glory. I want him to suffer and to be punished. I don't care by whom or by what (but can I suggest OTP for the job?) I just need for him to end on a really really bad note. 

Also, I love Tenshe. That episode where he met OTP, was gold, from beginning to end. I laughed so hard and I’m documenting here that it was ep 32, so that I can always go back and watch it when the story gets too angsty or sad. It was amazing and it had so much smiling/amused Sifeng, what else can you ask for? Also, Tengshe became a powerful ally and moved forward the plot: he helped rescue Linglong (more on that later), he told OTP what he knew abut God of War/Dijun “love” story, which left Sifeng thinking (and I’m sure will come into play later), he had the softest interaction with Linglong when everybody else refused to tell her where was Minyan. And he protected Xuanji so many times, despite saying he wouldn’t do it. He’s the best, he loves food and notices important things when there’s drama.

Demon fox and Merman doctor continue to rank high on my list of favorite characters as well. It’s the mortals from the “good” sects the ones I’m having issues with. And Xuanji’s father. For a moment, when he gave his blessing to OTP I thought I could forgive him for torturing Sifeng, but not anymore.

My sweet badass Linglong finally got rescued, but after 15 eps of being kidnapped, the weird thing would’ve been that she returned as if nothing had happened. I felt bad for the flower demon that helped Minyan and traitor friend from Lize, because she thought creepy bad guy actually had feelings for her and in the end, she got killed. It was terrible that Linglong remembered everything that happened when she was captive, but of course, this drama doesn’t spare anyone. I thought she wouldn’t! My poor girl was so traumatized, felt so guilty and was so depressed that she tried to kill herself but thank God Minyan stopped her. Oh, Minyan, okay, okay, I apologize to you, I misjudged you. You’re not a favorite yet but I like you and I’m so glad my Linglong has someone like you by her side. Just give Sifeng a chance (I’m not asking that of Linglong bc my girl has been through enough, I understand her).

*deep sigh*

Now, the biggest problem. I have raised my eyebrows so high at all the people from the sects they almost reached my hairline bc, from what I've seen, Xuanji is way more unhinged and dangerous when she is in God mode than my dear Sifeng, a demon, has ever been (till now I've never seen him with as much more than an distant and cold attitude let alone really angry), he is always in control of his emotions and a big part of that is thanks to the fact that he keeps his mind clear and is able think with reason and logic something everybody from the sects lacks. So why are all so angry and scared of Sifeng when they should be fearing Xuanji?

I'm not saying "lock her in the dungeons without food" they did it with Sifeng though but maybe like, I don't know, get some magical therapy to see through her head, advise her to meditate or something. As much as I love that girl, she's a ticking bomb and I've seen her about to kill her friends and the people she loves a few times now, because she doesn't recognize them in that state and Dijun loves to delulu himself into thinking he knows what’s best for her ugh. Why does no one find that scarier than a bunch of demons who disguised themselves through centuries just to avoid being killed and have been lying on the low trying to keep peace with the other sects? Oh, I know, because you're all a bunch of prejudiced racists assholes.

Tbh I kinda want Sifeng to go bad. I don’t think he has it him but I’m just so tired of him always being so good... what for? Rise, demon Sifeng! Be angry!

💖✌💔

Ship that needs more love: 💖

Mianmian and her husband

No this isn't just because I couldn't think of something I ship that needs more love

I just think xuanli can't be out here being the only somewhat healthy hetero ship

And I know we love our lesbians (so do I) but give some credit to Mr.Mianmian for being one of the more decent men/parents out here in the cultivation world aight 😤

Ship that you find cute but don’t ship: ✌

Beefleaf

LISTEN LISTEN

I haven't finished the novel yet AND I've only seen them as angsty best friends

But also it's more my fault cause I got too desperate for he xuan content and found a fucking rare pair to latch onto...like a dumbass-

But they're cute as hell and my bisexual ass messes with it a little

Ship that makes you sad: 💔

I can't tell if you just threw me a freebie but you know damn well it's xuexiao

It's xuexiao. It's always been xuexiao. Nothing makes me cry more than motherfucking XUEXIAO DAMMIT

I will never forgive mxtx for having these disaster men spend 3 years together with a child in almost domestic bliss and expect me not to ship them when everyone gets fucked up

They were happy but that happiness was never meant to last and that's why I write fanfics even though the fanfics I write cause me just as much pain

No I don't have a problem xuexiao has their own dammit-

(from this ask)