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lovelyunknown · 11 months

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Of Memories and Things You Can(t) Remember.

Oh my gosh, we're finally here! For the wonderful @starrjoy and their wonderful @pandoraaucomic. This will have spoilers up til the latest update, please beware.

Synopsis: After laying everything out to Tails, Sonic doesn't really want to sleep.

Word Count: 1,793

Warnings: heavy angst, hurt no comfort

~*~

“Night, Sonic.”

“Night, Tails.”

Sonic pulled the door, which came to a close with a soft click. The sweet smell of fresh flowers lay heavy in the room. There was a vase of them, purple and white, sitting on the dresser across from the bed. At any other time, the flowers would be comforting, but right now their light sent betrayed his senses, giving him a sick feeling in his stomach.

Despite the ill feeling, Sonic forced himself to sit on the bed. The plush comforter creased with his weight and ruffled up to his skin. He didn’t feel much like sleeping, even though he knew full well that everyone else had gone to bed. He didn’t feel much like doing anything, really. His mind was too heavy with memories of things he didn’t realize he forgot.

You don’t realize how little you think of your past until you recount it all. Sonic hadn’t. Not until—and he didn’t tell Tails, because Tails shouldn’t have to know—he had recounted his whole story in a way he’d never done before. Before, when he remembered, it came in unwanted flashes. They were short flickers of what happened and were often fuzzy and vague. Most of the time, they were just feelings—of guilt and sadness… of anger.

But when he told his story to someone else, taking great measures to explain absolutely everything, the memories came flooding back in excruciating detail. He could remember it all, the smell of humid air that coated his fur right before the waves crashed down, the screams that flooded the island as it was engulfed in the tide, the feeling of the water crushing his body and his mind. He remembered the wide eyes and the tense lips of his siblings as they were torn away from him.

It was an assault to all of his senses and if it weren’t for Tails slowly and unknowingly tethering him, he’d probably be in an even worse state.

But the worst thing about remembering everything… was the things he couldn’t remember.

He couldn’t remember the layout of the palace, or the name of the palace guards, or the types of flowers in the garden his mom loved visiting.

But the worst thing he couldn’t remember was his mother’s face.

And he tried. He tried over and over again, flipping his mind through memory after memory, but each time he was left with more fuzzy colors and feelings. Chaos, the feelings. But he couldn’t remember it. Not her eyes, or her smile. Nothing came when he tried to remember her.

And it broke his heart. Over and over. Each time he tried. He forgot about his own mother. The one who loved him and raised him.

Who saved him.

He couldn’t forget anymore, he had to remember. His memories were the only surviving parts of them. Of all the things he destroyed and he–he couldn’t lose any more of them.

He laid down on the bed and drew the comforter over his body. He forcefully shut his eyes and begged his brain one more time to remember, wading through the horrible night he tried to remember his last moments with his mother.

“I love you all…” And he could remember everything. Pandora laughing. water rushing. Sonia’s angry cries. He could see his mother thrusting the sword down. Her back turned away. But…

“And I’m sorry.” No! He—he was being pulled away he couldn’t see. He couldn’t see her face! He was being pulled away, he didn’t see it. He had to see it!

“We’ll be together soon, Darling.” And Pandora was screeching. The world was closing in. His heart was pounding as he struggled in his sister’s grasp to get away as she dragged him further and further away…

And then there was nothing.

Sonic opened his eyes and yanked his comforter off. “No.” his voice cracked. “I can’t—Damn it! I have to remember!”

His breath was shaky, and he was barely holding in tears. His body felt jittery and he just couldn’t stay there anymore.

So, in a quick and quiet motion, he got off the bed and tiptoed his way to his door, opening it slowly. It creaked anyway.

Frustration clawed in his chest, but he ignored it, padding his way into the hallway. If he couldn’t go to sleep, he thought, maybe some water might help. His throat was dry and scratchy. Sonic exhaled sharply. He'd talked the whole afternoon away. And obviously, that didn't agree with his throat.

So he quietly walked the length of the hallway, trying to shake the remnants of the memories. There was no point in wallowing. Especially now that Eggman was doing… something. He took a turn into the kitchen.

He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and held it tight, over-conscious of his shaking hands. He didn’t want to ruin anything else. He didn’t want to be the one to mess up everything—he didn’t…

With a heavy sigh, he grasped the faucet knob and turned it slowly. The faucet creaked and released a small stream of water. The water pattered into the cup, filling it slowly.

The cup was almost half way full when he shuttered on instinct, leading to a chain reaction. The shutter caused his hand to slip, which caused water to splash onto his hand. In his shock, he jumped, tossing the cup back into the sink and leaving him with remnants of those memories. Again.

He frowned and huffed. He turned the faucet off and left the spilt cup in the sink. He didn’t need water that much.

Rubbing his eyes, he turned around and started to leave the kitchen.

With each step, his stomach twisted and tore at him inside. Everything just… didn't feel right. Now with Soni–that water wraith thing, it felt like the world was crashing down again.

Frustration built up inside him and escaped through a pent-up growl. Why? Why, after all these years? He wanted to scream. It just–it wasn't fair. It's never been fair.

And in that moment, when his walking stopped, and he took a moment to breathe, that's when he saw it. His mouth opened, his breath stilled, his eyes flickered.

There, sitting silently in the gathering room, was a purple hedgehog in white robes. Sonic's eyes watered and his breath threatened to give out on him.

His body moved on its own as he raced to the woman's side. Everything was so real. Her soft brown eyes, her hair, her clothes, everything–he could remember.

"Mom…" he breathed as he stopped short of tackling her.

The woman, his mom, looked up at him and joy spread across her face. "Sonic…?" She asked hesitantly.

Sonic couldn't help as tears flowed down his cheeks as he nodded.

A laugh came from his mother, a small euphoric yip as she grabbed her son and pulled him close to her. "Oh, my Sonic. I missed you." She whispered as she held his head to her chest.

Sonic was in shock, but tried his best to keep up. His mother was warm and her touch was soft. He couldn't–was this how it felt? He couldn't believe what he was doing.

He pulled himself off of her and looked into her soft brown eyes. "Mom, how? How did you–How are you here?" He rambled out in disbelief.

His mom squeezed her eyes and sighed. "I… do not know." She said, her smile dropping. "I showed up here and I don't really remember anything else."

That made Sonic's quills stand on end, but he didn't push it. He couldn't. Not when his mother had come back. "Al–alright then. I'm just so happy you're here." Sonic said, his throat raw with emotion.

His mother nodded. "I am too…" her smile returned, "and to see how mature and grown up he's gotten!" She prodded at his side. Sonic couldn't help the giggle that he made. "You've gotten mature, Sonic. I'm so proud of you." She said.

Sonic blinked away his tears. "I just… followed you and mom. You were always such heroes." Sonic said and his lips quivered. "Mom, I'm–I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. I caused everyone to… It was my fault."

His mother sighed. "Oh, Sonic…" she said as she invited him into another hug.

Sonic felt her arms around him and sniffed. "Sonic, I love you." she said. "I know why you did the things you did."

Sonic didn't know what to say to that.

"Heh, you're just like your mother." Aleena said.

That feeling returned and Sonic's quills turned up in response, but he didn't let go of his mom. He was just overwhelmed.

"She was always so adamant about helping those in need." Aleena continued.

Sonic's stomach dropped. He shook his head and buried his head deeper into her chest. This was all a coincidence. He was holding her right now.

"...I wish I was around more."

This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be... He could remember. He wasn't–he couldn't be…

"Sonic…"

Suddenly, his grasp on her started to loosen. He held on tighter and didn't dare open his eyes to look at her. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't… he couldn't do it again! He couldn't be–

"I'm sorry…"

He was sleeping…

And his body lurched.

Suddenly, he wasn't holding onto anything. He was only floating, swaying in some kind of tide.

And he was drowning.

His lungs panicked and filled with the burning sensation of swallowing water as he fought against the push and pull of the current.

Grabbing towards nothing, he screamed for help, knowing no one was there. His voice was drowned out as the last bit of air left his lungs. Black encompassed his vision…

And then he felt nothing.

Light peaked into the room, shaking Sonic awake. And there he was, lying in the plush, comfortable HQ bed. He felt sick to his stomach, but he couldn't move. His eyes filled with unwilling tears that streamed down his cheeks. They puddled on the soft fabric, which clawed at his side. He couldn't help the sobs that escaped his mouth when he remembered it, feeling his mom's hug again. It was like a curse, burned into his memory, and he was powerless as he replayed it over and over again.

Momentarily, his thoughts were broken when a flicky tweets by his window, signaling a new morning. On any other day, in any other place, he'd already be up, ready for his next adventure with his friends. But despite the rising sun, despite all of his friends being right there, he didn't feel worthy of getting up and being 'the hero of Mobius', of being what they want him to be. Maybe… maybe he deserved this.

After all, it was his fault.

#sorry joy #this is payback #sth #sonic the hedgehog #sonic #p!au #pandora au #aleena the hedgehog #if it isn't clear sonic is dreaming for most of this #sonic angst

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