#ahhhhuuuaaa........... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

scrawnytreedemon · 8 months

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Part of me, after all this time of kinda feeling 'eh' about the prospect, wants to try dating. Issue is that I basically have no options in my area, and as many lovely people as there are online who I'm compatible with... Once we officially start dating, I just can't keep up?

It's a mixture of not having anything physical to do(not even talking that I mean like going out and shit) and also needing to be more active online when my track record is already very spotty, lol.

Plus, thinking about the future, y'kno? Not even in a marriage and kids kinda way, but like,,, how viable would it be to close the distance? What if I found someone more generally suited to me in my area, even if we don't share that soul-bond?

It ends up being easier to stay friends, even if in person I know I'd be all over them. Don't want to strain the lovely thing we already have.

#scrawny rambles #something's gotta change and that might be me #i just. man i don't know.#i'm curious and i think under the right circumstances it could be alot of fun #but alot of the times the other party gets caught up in the idea of romance that they kinda forget whatever issues we might be facing first #usually circumstancially #it's sucks because i don't get to have that head-over-heels dazzled by love throwing all caution to the wind mentality #because i end up having to carry concerns for both of us if you get what i mean???#like it's nice it's fun but i can never be truly carefree #i don't want to be a killjoy i want to explore i want to have a good time i want another person to open up to #but i guess i need that other person to be grounded at least somewhat. maybe then i could float too.#ahhhhuuuaaa...........#there's also the other horrible issue of my feelings usually being sparked *by* the fact it wouldn't be a good idea to get with them #and then bottling it up for months or even a year in the case of my ex-gf (amiable)#feeling horrid and guilty and wishing i didn't feel anything at all #i end up confessing not out of the hope to start something but to get the weight off my chest #if they don't like me back. then terror but also relief.#more often they DO and on one hand it's thrilling it's incredible it's top of the world #...and then the dread kicks in #the fear that my feelings will fade that i'm not feeling enough #and i think part of that is that i *do* need some form of physical contact in order to keep the *passion* alive #otherwise... it just ends up falling into friend territory again #maybe my sample-size is too small and i'm generalising #i don't know #it seems guilt and terror are massive motivators and get sublimated into intense longing #and then once that again... it inverts. which is so stupid like come on. come the fuck on.#anyhow there's your session of scrawny pouring her heart out. confess your love in the replies to me ig. lmaoo

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