I am still not over the fact that I somehow managed to overlook the brightly glowing Aasimar just hanging around very visibly in his manor which the quest given was about

Truly amazing

Roll for dick punch

It was the second session of our new campaign and the DM had created an NPC who was a purple tiefling that was obviously supposed to be a plot hook and take us to our next destination in his caravan. The assimir wizard of the party, however, was being a bit of a dick in classic "it's what my character would do fashion" and trying to piss the NPC off. I was playing a halfling bloodhunter at the time and was trying to rerail the situation and be friendly with the NPC until this happened and I decided the opportunity was too great.

DM: So after you insult his parentage, the tiefling glares at you and starts walking back to his caravan.

Assimar wizard: How is he doing that? We've surrounded him.

DM: He uh, he actually steps over the halfling.

Halfling bloodhunter: Wait, seriously?

DM: Yeah.

Halfling bloodhunter: Well then I punch him in the dick.

DM: You what?

Halfling bloodhunter: Well, that seems like a very rude thing to do, and I'm down here, and he's up there, and I'd like to punch him right where the sun don't shine.

Assimar wizard: *laughing hysterically* What do you have to roll to get that?

Halfling bloodhunter: Good point. *turns to DM* What's the AC of his dick?

The 14 hour D&D session

Have you ever been in a car for a really long time and needed to do something to keep you occupied? I have, so I DMed a 5e one-shot on the road between just outside of Minneapolis Minnesota to the Pennsylvania state line. 14 hours, and I had a blast.

We had been planning to play D&D in Minneapolis but scheduling got shifted around and we ended up not doing it, but three of the four of us that were riding in the van really wanted to play so I planned the very roughest of plot sketches together before falling asleep the night before we left and they put the finishing touches on their characters, an assimar druid and a swashbuckling dragonborn rogue searching for the "inland sea". I made up the rest as we went.

It was a roadtrip adventure delivering a couple casks of wine to a mysterious individual in the middle of an enourmous desert wasteland and it turned into a buddy comedy where they befriended a zombie, the centaur clan that lives on the edge of the wastes, an oreg named Oori, an ancient Brass Dragon named Bob (who just wants to run a B&B, bu people attack him because he's big and scary), and a wine merchant who is definitely an extremely powerful magic user on the way to their delivery point. They spet 12 days traveling in game until they came upon a massive rock formation that was like a giant cup with only the top third sticking up out of the ground, inside they found their destination, the front of an Alhambra style palace carved into the interior rockface of the cup shaped formation. They met with their host, a gorgeous woman of indeterminate age, and she led them through the palace doors and into a tropical pocket-dimension containing the "inland sea" that Salazar the Swashbuckler was seeking.

At this point we were all a little punch-drunk and the druid (female character) had turned into a horse (male) and had been making a ton of dick jokes. . . So their prizes were a literal ship in a bottle for Salazar and a magical detachable penis for the druid. Well, and an endless bread loaf and bottomless water cup, but those were party assets. So they made their way back, visiting Oori and Bob along the way as well as using the bottomless water cup to create an oasis for Oori to protect, then they visited their zombie friend, saw that his hand had fallen off, borrowed a potion from their wizardly wine-merchant friend, and accidentally put his hand on backwards.

I might share more stories if I can't sleep tomorrow night.

Another group I'm part of. A very dumb LE half orc, an assimar bard who wants to literally make dicks scream, a fish, a hobo gnome who died twice in our first fight.

“a fish”

Pathlosers Chapter 0: The Gang Gets Together

This is based on the campaign which I ran as the DM, starting out in Pathfinder and then transitioning into a hybrid of 5e and pathfinder so augmented it might as well be its own system at this rate, with floating modifiers and simple systems, random rolls and variant rules so messy and complex it's one of those things that you really have to play from the beginning to understand the necessary tweaks made for both first time players and veterans alike to make it engaging. This is the story of my beloved Pathlosers. Of the friends who started out playing pathfinder and by the end ascended to godhood and then stood side by side at the end of everything. This is the story of the most stressful experience I had as a DM and taught me what tabletop games can mean as not only a fun thing to play but also how it is that a story truly makes brings people together, real or not, a shared experience which taught me that D&D will always and forever be a part of my life and something everyone should play. This is the story of how I learned to improvise, handle players dropping in an out and most importantly how to ensure my players grasped the scale of their story. So sit back, relax, grab a drink, maybe some snacks, and let me tell you a story which took 3 years to reach the end of act 1 and then became the ritual which forged a connection of friendships I never thought I would share. Let me tell you the story of Pathlosers, the gods of a story betrayed by reality. Those beings who rendered reality obsolete.

Providence stood in his bar, quite and contemplative of the task laid out before him. He was a wizard of sorts, a master of spacial magic and well versed in temporal manipulation. Having served alongside his previous party and in their adventures he now stood largely alone in the universe, working towards a goal not even he truly understood. The Clown, The Laughing God, Jacque entered, his porcelain face staring back at the towering figure. He placed a briefcase on the bar and opened it, inside sat twelve rolls of paper, contracts of a kind, things that would warp and bend reality to their will should the right circumstances be met. He took the briefcase and placed it beneath the bar, closing it and hiding it from prying eyes. Providence poured himself and The Clown a drink, taking the blank paper from the beaten leather bound briefcase. The two toasted and the clown poured his drink down the front of his tunic as the liquid loshed against the white visage of his mask, his face maybe. The two of them chatted for a while, in the way that they had for so long. Providence monologuing as the clown nodded along not saying a word.

Maybe an hour had passed and there came the soft click at one of the doors. Providence turned to face it and just as quickly turned around to tell his acquaintance that they needed to leave, only for them to have vanished from their stool. He retrieved the glass The clown had been drinking and began to polish it with a cloth from behind the bar. A figure barreled through the door, then another and several more. A figure dressed in a modern suit fell through one door, a half orc another, a dark elf another and suddenly a whole ensemble of individuals found themselves in the bar outside of space and time. Within the bar stood a human wild mage, a human bard, an aasimar of unknown nature, a dark elf trickster,  and a half orc warrior. The Bard demanded to know where they were, having apparently appeared from the soon to be wreckage of CERN. The group consisted of a Bard known as Clyde who was apparently a Lawyer of some description, Alabastard and Half Orc Warrior from region surrounding Rome after the Cataclysm, Sean the Wild Mage from one of the islands of the Drowned Isles, Viri the Aasimar who called nowhere home but was an old friend of the Barkeep and Lilac the Darkelf Immortal, granted immortality by Solaris of Lawful Good for saving one of their priests in the early years after the Cataclysm.

Providence sighed at the motley crew which presented itself before him, finishing the last touches to polishing the glass. “So this is what I have to work with them.” With the exception of Clyde all knew full well they had been summoned by some kind of mage or the other and quickly turned to face the towering figure. Lilac was the first of them to speak up “Where the fuck am I?”. Providence placed the glass on the countertop and beckoned them all towards him. They all sat before the towering figure, easily reaching over seven feet and he asked them each what they would like to drink. Clyde took a soda, Providence handed him a glass of water. Sean a pitcher of Guinness, Alabastard a bitter cider, Viri and Lilac took a black dragon whisky each, knocking the shot back like old friends, or new ones. Providence explained, he had summoned them to this bar as they were of use to him, individuals displaced in time and space at one point or another and now brought here to help him fulfill a goal he chose not to express. He offered them all a deal, anything, any one thing, within his power or influence, he would grant them, should they agree to help him. They all eyed him up and down, seeing not a twitch of dishonesty or trickery betrayed in any of his features. He wreaked of a kind of malevolence that they dared not question.

They all knew he was a deal maker, a devil of some sort, not of birth but of spirit, a genie which would twist their wishes into some form of punishment yet at the same time, they knew his offer was true here and now. He stood not as some force of malevolence but as an honest broker of fortunes, they knew the deal he offered made him uncomfortable, all of them but Clyde that was who found himself in a world he barely understood and was simply playing along. Viri spoke up, “So what's the limit?” He poured them another drink “Few things are outside of my grasp and if you agree to help, fewer still.” Viri knew who Providence was and had been played by him in the past, so knew that with the right wording, this was a deal they couldn’t pass up. He was a stickler for the precise wording of contracts struck with him and Viri knew if they could make a contact ironclad they could get whatever they could acquire anything their mind could think of.

With hesitation Viri offered their services, for the price negotiable at a later date. They would have the choice of anything they would choose, at any time, once the contact was fulfilled, expressing that providence could not willingly or knowingly coerce them into expending their payment. With a sigh and a snap of his fingers Providence produced one of the rolls of paper. Viri looked over it and after being satisfied all the requirements were met the signed it without another thought. Providence left the contact in their possession and told them to hold on to their copy. Following Viri’s example they each worked out the precise wording of their contracts, Alabastard wishing for a family of their own, Sean for fame and fortune unparalleled by any other, Lilac for the freedom from their Immortality via the death of Solaris and the death of the God, and finally Clyde, who wanted employment, within the bar which they all sat in, with a very nice hourly wage and some enviable benefits. The others had some questions as to this however Clyde had little in the way of answers and was simply happy with a decent wage and travel benefits to anywhere in the multiverse.

With their contacts signed and another hour of dicking about achieving precisely nothing Providence finally demanded they leave and opened the door which Clyde had originally enter through, demanding they all leave. Viri and Lilac stole an unopened bottle of whisky and Sean left at his earliest convenience. It was with that that the Pathlosers found themselves at the outer edge of the small village of Grange, outside of the town's palisade wall and left with only the instruction of “Figure it out”. Thus the tutorial for the new players began and the old veterans wrangled their new comrades as the Story of Pathlosers began. With the party arguing with a guard sitting atop the town gate and a teenage looking assimar seducing him.