I think what people don’t understand about having a narc parent is how isolated you are and how they make you feel on the daily. I had major oral surgery today and I woke up in a dark house tonight.

She literally raised me with the belief that she’s terrified of a completely dark house. And because of that I would make sure a light was turned on for her. Whether she was inside the house yet or not. This woman left one light on and it’s where she was today before she left.

The entitlement and inconsideration is part of daily living with her. But I’m supposed to stay with her because she’s scared to be alone. I’m supposed to not want anything for myself. I’m supposed to not DO for myself because she doesn’t. Imagine your entire life they make you a caretaker and they complain every minute of every day about you to someone so you can’t even trust other adults in your life. And you can’t count on your parent either because they let you down often but expect the world from you.

I know you moved on from me now but I still think about you often. I miss how well you treated me dearly. You were such an angel. The one I really took for granted. The thing is I knew, I knew everything about you was perfect. I had come from a toxic family with conditional love, you had come from a family with broken love. But you loved me immensely and it showed. You taught me everything I didn’t learn when you held my hand a certain way and rubbed it with your thumb I had no idea what that was but it was so cute. The memories we made for 10 months I could never forget. You see, 5 years later I still think about you because when we ended I had started talking to “A” for two years. I replaced the void of losing you. Then A left and I realized I never healed. I know your new girlfriend treats you so good fk. You’re going to hit 2 years on September 25th.. a day after my birthday. I was so happy when she made you a diy box birthday gift. You deserved that and more. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to go. I had sacrificed are love for Allah and I’m so happy u got her. But I’m still alone. Allah showed me how haram relationships hurt and why they’re haram in the first place. You moved on so fast ... I’m still waiting for someone. I pray I pray my husband will be like you. I am emotional because I listened to two one direction songs that was our songs. I don’t know what to say anymore. I hope I did the right thing by letting him go. He even tried to convert for me. :( on my wedding day I’ll look into the crowd and I’d imagine you all the way in the back smiling back at me. I remember how bad we ended and how I made it worse and dramatic. I could not let you go. I used to text you out of no where a lot every time you would tell me the same thing. Let it go. I stopped texting him when I got sad last year sometime early 2019. I still see him at my same university I guess that’s my guilty pleasure. But yeah I’d look for you in the crowd and I’d smile back at u because after all the shit I had put us through I had finally let you fully go. Allah will reward me won’t he? It was so hard fk. I couldn’t control my emotions and you dealt with the episodes so well. I’m not crazy. It was just 10 months. But we were friends for two years before that. And kept in touch because of my emotions for a whole other year. Basically 4 years plus all these years of college I still see you around. I don’t know what this is.. an I miss you post ? Or I’m sorry post ? I know he doesn’t care anymore. I know he just wants me to move on and be happy. I cannot wait to announce an engagement on instagram, I know his sister, his cousins, and his girlfriend, and friends will see it. I just KNOW he would get text messages at the same time( maybe even a call) saying RIS FUCKING ENGAGED. Inshallah you would then say wow I hope they’re happy. I know he would. I’m so proud I haven’t bothered you again and it’s been about a year. Corona makes it hard but it’s okay. I know it was meant to end. I know i didn’t make a mistake. He’s happy without me for a reason. Sigh... frank. This is goodbye. #thefinalletter #perfect #trulymadlydeeply

7/23/20 ..💔🖤🤍 4 a.m

J, 26, Houston

I met J at a buffalo wild wings. It was the third quarter of the NBA 2017 playoffs and my team was losing terribly to the Cavs. I arrived and noticed that he looked less approachable and more judgmental in person. This came as a total 360 considering the nonthreatening polo and khaki shorts persona he pulled off on his tinder profile. J had the kind of judgmental look all brown people are genetically imposed with. The “I’m above this haram shit,” look. I was wearing a pencil skirt and noticed his gaze pointing directly at my bulbous calves. It reminded me of the look the men in my family gave me when I made eye contact with them. The feeling that I was their prey.

J sipped on his lager and watched as I sipped a well vodka and canned cranberry juice concoction. Already bored with the “I have this job where I do science blah blah blah…” I turned and yelled out a few curses at the tv screen. A normal reaction to a people who are paid ridiculous millions and can’t manage a free throw. J had never seen this before. A woman, a girl, a date spitting foul words his close minded existence had never witnessed. I could tell by the consistent annoying question, “what did you say?” that he kept throwing at me.

I knew that ultimately things would never work out with J but I was alone and lacked confidence after my weight was criticized on a blind date. This was the first date I had been on in the last few months. J was ignorant and naive and made me feel dumber. At the same time, there were days when I felt like J was the only person who would find me attractive. To me, J became the last man on earth and I had to compromise if I was to ever be remotely content and fulfill my desire for children.

I remember the first time I was intimate with J. He sat next to me and then hesitated before he sat on top of me. J was afraid. He later told me his only other intimate partner was a sex worker. Of course, at the time, my ego had the best of me and I found that to be incredibly intimidating and competitive. J stuck his fingers inside me and he was unsuccessful. He felt embarrassed by this. I turned to the night stand and took a few hits. He tried again, and this time, he followed the natural lubrication back to the source. I turned and positioned myself to have him inside me. I remember thinking of one of those claw machines at arcades and watching multiple attempts and quarter losses because the probability of a win was maybe once or twice a year. I remember feeling like the claw, aiming for a generic stuffed animal I could care less for, and freeing it from its prison for my quick pleasure. I was in and I was hooked and it was that feeling of accomplishment (the win/the toy) that came with the greatest orgasm I had ever had.

I remember the first time I learned J was talking to other women. I remember the feeling of abandonment and neglect. Betrayal and deceit. The basics associated with infidelity. But when you’re insecure, you also feel like it’s your fault he’s just not that into you anymore. The feeling of shaming your body and your choices. The feeling of rewinding your brain to find exact situations where you can spot a hint of the unpredictable outcome. I recall scorning modern science for not inventing a time machine. I blamed my mental health causing my lack in drive. I blamed myself and then I found myself reading a bullshit refinery29 article and feeling empowered. I met him for dinner, ambushed him with my recent knowledge and slowly digested the three entrees and champagne I had ordered. The bill arrived and I left for the bathroom. I met him outside after my return and he leaned in for a hug. I stood still, numb to his affection and bid him adieu.

I saw J on and off again for a few months mostly for the sex. He had me: a regular supply of weed, pussy and an ear for his mommy issues. I remember feeling like J was the only man on earth again and reliving that feeling of betrayal when I invited J to join me for drinks at a friend’s birthday and watching him flirt with her next to me. I remember him looking at her as if she were prey. I remember hating her for it and hating myself for hating her. I remember begging for his keys and driving him home after a night of him making eyes at multiple women.

I remember the day J told me he couldn’t see me anymore. He was talking to a girl that matched his race, religion and parent’s preference. I remember feeling like there were no men on earth and crying on my drive back to my empty apartment. Months pass and I forget J.

Until a few days ago, a conversation stirs again. J suddenly offers to take me to dinner and to stay over at his hotel since he’s on a conference. This time, I remember the orgasm. I reply “no” as to not come off as desperate. He offers again the next day and this time, I ask him to pick up my favorite meal and bring it to my new place. I meet him outside, unable to recognize him without the facial hair. He’s smiling and only holding one to-go box. I ask if he is also eating and he replies “no”, a clear implication that my favorite meal broke his wallet.

He enters and examines my much upgraded, renovated and nicer than his apartment. He compliments my new haircut and starts investigating the rooms. I begin diving into my meal after hitting the blunt I have him roll me. He’s watching me like I’m his prey again. Meanwhile, I’m watching season one of House of Cards and twirling my fork around my plate, aiming at each corner. I turn to him as he brings up memories from our past and questions he’s premeditated to ask. J never had good tv manner. An utter disrespect for my appreciation for pre-me too Kevin Spacey. I put my plate aside, ask J to kiss me and watch this man treat me like a melting soft serve cone. I’m being twisted around and covered in his smelly saliva. I stand up, position him on the couch, hop on top and adjust myself.

He’s speaking but I’m ignoring him. Satisfied but confirming he hasn’t reached climax, I get off, saying I’m tired. This comes as a surprise to him. He isn’t used to this selfish side of me. He asks again if I’m tired and I affirm. Now I demand dessert. He drives me to get frozen yogurt. I fill the cup with 20 percent yogurt and 120 percent toppings. By the time I reached the weighing station, the toppings had clearly abused the “fill the cup” policy. He drove me home, pointing out to be places we’d been together as a couple. He voluntarily tells me he’s been religiously following my twitter page and the girl he was talking to left him after their first date. As he pulls into my driveway and tells me he misses me, and the pleasure of sex and desserts is past me and I remembered the times I blamed myself for his infidelity. I remembered the feelings of insecurity and reaching foolish conclusions about him being the only man for me. I remembered him: his boredom, his ignorance, his lies and my unhappiness. He got out of the car and leaned in for a kiss as he hugged me goodbye. I turn and walked towards my front door turning and yet again, bidding him adieu. This time, I was feeling like I could finally discard my claw machine prize.

The Beauty Behind the Struggle: Drugs and Hijabs

Young Muslims open up about their life struggles and discuss how it changed them

 Drugs and alcohol is such a taboo topic in Islam. Islam teaches Muslims to stay away from alcohol because when you are intoxicated, a person cannot control his or her actions, leading them to possibly make a very big mistake. Although it is haram, or not permissible, many young Muslims seem to turn to alcohol when faced with difficulties, rather than lay out a prayer mat and ask Allah for guidance. 21-year-old Aisha from Leicester tells her story of her struggle with alcohol and drugs.

 “In early 2015 I became very depressed and I was on a lot of medication. It was my 19th birthday my friends convinced me to go out to the club and it didn’t seem like a big deal but from that night on things just started getting worse. I drank a lot that night and when I got home my mum was pissed. The first thing she said to me was ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ but she didn’t realise, she just thought I was getting up to other stupid shit. After that, it was once in a while. I stopped speaking to the friend who took me out a lot and I was fine, but when we started talking a while later, that’s when it got worse. 

 “In the Summer of 2015, it got to a point where it became an everyday thing. My depression got worse and it was my way of temporarily forgetting everything that was going on in my life, but it just made everything a whole lot worse. I would even go to work drunk. My grandparents came back from Pakistan one day and I was quite drunk. We were on our way home and it was such a bad experience, we nearly got into a really bad car crash! Then I realised there’s no point in keeping people around like that, that aren’t good for me and that’s when I decided I wasn’t going to drink anymore. 

 “I stopped for a while but in Summer 2016 I was going through a really bad phase again. Not with friends or anything, I had stopped going out but I would just be drinking alone in my room and it had got back to the point where I was doing it every single day and it made me think to myself, ‘what the hell am I doing?’ 

“Now I’ m trying to be good and help myself, I haven’t touched it in a while. I’m trying really hard to be careful because it is something that can get addicting, you just need to get through it. I just used to go out to the corner shop and grab a bottle of vodka then finish it in one night and it’s just such a big waste of money too! It doesn’t even help; it was like a temporary fix for five minutes then I’d call up my friends and just cry to them. It’s just a pattern of moods, you think it would help but it really doesn’t. I used to keep drinking for two to three months straight when things got really bad but since New Year’s, I haven’t gotten completely wasted. 

 “I remember one night in Summer, it was around 5am and I got really bad chest pains, I fell asleep and when I woke up again they just got worse and I just ended up collapsing. My mum took me to A&E and the doctors started asking me really personal questions and their questions were just directing towards drinking alcohol and I just thought ‘oh my God, I’m never doing this again.’

 “My sister came into A&E with me and I was afraid to say anything in front of her but once she was sent out the room, the doctors sat me down and told me I had to tell them what was really going on. They concluded that I had alcohol poisoning because I was just puking up everywhere. After that I’ve been very careful with the amount I take and it’s not an everyday thing anymore. You just think it will make things better but it always just makes things a lot worse. The last time I drank was two weeks ago when I was out with my friends but I made sure I wasn’t drinking too much. I don’t use it as a coping mechanism anymore I just casually drink.

 “When I was 19, my circle of friends at university used to smoke weed a lot, too. It was just a casual thing and I didn’t do it to distract myself from what was happening in my life, it doesn’t really help but it just makes you feel funny for a while. Everything around you is just so funny! But it’s not something that helps with depression. It actually makes you so hungry, at 3 or 4am I used to just get the munchies and raid my kitchen for random snacks. When you have lots of alcohol and weed it trips you out so much, you just feel like you’re going to die. 

 “Weed made me so paranoid. When I used to smoke it a lot I would always think ‘oh my God, can you smell it on me?’ and just silly things like that. I would never do hard drugs like cocaine and I’m definitely not planning to. I have family members who have struggled with addiction and have ended up in jail, but weed is just a minor thing. One thing I hate is when people pretend they’re high to just fit in! Weed is just a once in a while thing, I only do it when I’m stressed with university because it relaxes me. 

 “I live in a family of 6, my dad passed away when I was 15 years old. It wasn’t really a reason to start drinking, I could have easily started drinking then but I was using other ways like self-harm to cope and I eventually stopped because nothing was helping. Everything I tried, I had all these bad coping mechanisms and none of them helped, I just thought to myself ‘I really need to grow out of everything.’ 

 “You go through rough things and you realise not everything you do is right and sometimes you have to let things be. I grew up with 4 sisters and a brother and after my dad passed away, my brother wasn’t very helpful. I didn’t have a father figure in my life and I just felt like I could do whatever I wanted and no one was going to say anything to me. I became really rebellious especially when I was 19 and I felt like my mum couldn’t control me. I knew there was going to be a time when I was going to get the biggest slap on my face and from that, I knew I was going to have to stop what I was doing. 

 “I keep myself to myself. I don’t open up to people easily and during college, I made a friend in sixth form who actually wasn’t that much of a good friend to me. My mum knew from the beginning that she was a snake but I didn’t believe her which caused arguments at home. When I left school, I left with a lot of friends but now I only have one really good friend who I go to university with. I didn’t gel with the people at university, I spend most of my time in the library just working. I have just become closed off and I’m trying to better myself and stay on the right track.”

 Whether you are going through depression or a traumatising event in your life, please remember you have so many people around you to talk to you and help you through things. Alcohol and drugs are never the answer; they only seem to make things worse. For more information on drug and alcohol abuse, call your local drug and alcohol helpline to get the help you need.

  “WEAR YOUR HIJAB PROPERLY”

 A hijab may seem like ‘just a scarf on your head’ to some, but for some Muslim women, it is a sign of independence, freedom and the ability to be totally themselves. Thousands of Muslim girls and women all around the world wear their hijabs proudly but some struggle more than others. I sat down with 20-year-old Ghayda Javed from South London to discuss her experience and she revealed why wearing the hijab was a struggle for her.

Ghayda was born and raised in London, England in a middle-class family of five. She started wearing her hijab in secondary school because she went to an Islamic school, so it became a uniform requirement. “My mum wears it and so does everyone around me it so I thought okay, I’d better start wearing it too” she says. Because it was a requirement to wear it every day at school, it didn’t make a lot of difference between her school life and her home life. She then carried on wearing it in sixth form and university. “I never saw it as a sort of ‘oh men can see my hair’ thing, I never understood that sort of aspect of it but I just wore it because everyone around me was wearing it. It was like a symbol of my independence, I’m in control of my actions now and I can do what I want, at least that’s what I thought at the time. It came to point where I did like wearing it, I’d think to myself ‘I’ll wear my scarf to weddings, I don’t feel ugly wearing it, it’s just nice. I think it came to summer 2015 when I went to Canada and I remember my dad specifically telling me ‘wear your hijab properly’ and this led me to think ‘hold on, I’m not wearing my hijab for someone else, I’m wearing it for myself, not for someone else’s opinions.” 

 This interaction with her dad caused Ghayda to rethink why she was wearing her hijab in the first place. “I realised I wasn’t wearing it for myself, I was wearing it for the people around me. I thought to myself, I will wear it the way I want to.” Slowly, she started taking off her hijab and it became less of a priority to her. “I started seeing the hijab as just a part of my religion. When you’re out in public, the first thing people think when they see a girl in hijab is ‘she’s a Muslim and probably a very strict one.’ As a Muslim, you do need to act a certain way because that’s your job to represent it in ‘the right way’. I didn’t like being outside and wearing a hijab and suppose, doing shisha because I just don’t think that’s right in my opinion, which is why when I’m out and about having fun I just take it off. I don’t want to send the wrong message about Islam.” 

 Ghayda struggled with keeping her hijab on, mainly because she was afraid of what people in the community would think of her. “I was scared to fully stop wearing it because I thought everyone in the community is going to think ‘she’s going to turn into a hoe’ so I only took it off after leaving the house or when I was far enough from home.”

 Wearing her hijab to university and to work put things into perspective for her. “I thought to myself I’m here to get my money, I’m here to get my education. I’m not here to mess about. I’m here to make something of myself and that goes back to why I started wearing it in the first place, it was a sign of independence for me.” 

 Reflecting on her journey, Ghayda discusses why she took it off. “There is something so beautiful about wearing the hijab and I want to learn it rather than putting it on because I want to wear it and that’s what I realised overtime when I took it off, that it’s a process of learning it again and the actual reasons for wearing it. It takes time and you can’t really expect someone to take this big step, just like that. But I did it in the wrong way and it took me a long time to realise that.

 Even after wearing it for the last 9 years, Ghayda still struggles with her hijab and wants to take the time to learn about the reasoning behind it, rather than wearing it for the sake of her family. “Even now I still struggle with it. It’s difficult, it’s really difficult.”

Huge life in Jordan update!

Alright, so what have we done this past??? Month??

We finished our month long class in the city and are crying over the ease there was to get there and um rami!! She worked in the center we went to and like kept that place running. So good, we all miss her so much 😭

We started classes at the actual university and we all hate it. it’s so far, like 1-1.5 hour trip, and for me that’s not including the 20 min walk to/from the bus stop every day. We saw um rami there on thursday though and she made all of our week!! I’m starting to get used to the time after a couple weeks, but still not a huge fan of the place. I do like my teachers, one that i have for 2/3 of my classes is the same teacher i had during the month class in the city, but they’re both in arabic and that’s been a bit stressful. My third teacher is so sweet and kind (not to say my other teacher isn’t?) but like one of the kids compared her to mrs.potts and it’s pretty accurate. And so for the most part i go by heba here in jordan, it makes my life easier, but on the roster it still has my dead name on there, and when i talked to the teacher to be like oh hey can you please not call me that she was like “i will call you whatever you want, even if it’s john” and i could cry to be quite honest. 

My host mom had me invite all my classmates over for a meal a couple (one?) week ago, and that was nice of her and we all had a nice time! I ended up going to see a movie with the boys after it, that new.. i already forgot the name of it but it has gosling, replicants, and is apparently a continuation of an old thing i didn’t even know of? It was okay. I’d give it like a 6.5-7/10, but i do want to see the original- blade runner, it was called blade runner- and if a sequel is made, i would be interested in it.

I visited Jerash last friday which is this old town with lots of roman ruins all over, and it was so beautiful and i would love to go back again. 

These past couple of days have been really amazing too. Thursday i hung out w the girls in my group and we ended up running into someone a couple of em knew who went to our uni in the US but graduated. She is so cute and i love her so much oh my goodness!!! Tomorrow is one of the girl’s in my group’s birthday, so we’ve kind of been having a whole weekend of celebration for her. Thursday evening we went out with our whole group, and one of the kids invited someone who he rode the bus with who brought his friend, and his friend was a real fuckboy and annoying as hell honestly, but it was otherwise great! And i ended up having a real nice conversation w my uber driver who was v encouraging and nice all around. I didn’t get home until midnight and my host mom was like she doesn’t like me out that late because she’s worried about me being in a taxi w a stranger that late at night, and i was just like it was fine i’m okay i took an uber.

Yesterday, i got to visit the largest refugee camp in the country. We were really lucky to get in because you can’t just go and have to get permission i think from the king or someone real high up at least, but one of my classmates got his masters in refugee resettlement and other issues? and we talked to this father of this church attached to the center where we had classes during the month, and he is a BIG deal here, and when my friend mentioned that he was like would you like to go i can put a word in for you, and thanks to him, we got to go! It was really amazing the life they built for themselves there. Apparently that camp is the fourth largest city in the whole country, it has so many people. We talked with one family, and obviously it was just like we’d love to go back to our country once it’s safe, but it’s just not right now. But it’s amazing. They can work in the camp or get a permit to work outside in the capital, they have a bunch of stores and restaurants and sweet places like you would find in the regular city. Like i’m just so proud of the life they’ve built for themselves despite the difficulty and all the help other organizations have given. They get healthcare if they need it, birth control is offered though people apparently aren’t interested, they have gym facilities, an enormous amazing soccer field was donated (or the money/resources for it at least were). There’s apparently 24 like districts in the whole city, 28 schools throughout. There are SO many kids, and they were like all so sweet. A couple ended up following us for most of the trip, and just my sweet children honestly. I bought a couple scarves and a bracelet from one of the shops. Their shop area is enormous!!! It’s a giant street that goes through almost the whole camp. People were v kind and welcoming. I just hope conflicts resolve so they can all go home, or have some kind of a real life soon.

After the trip yesterday, i ended up going out the girls and the birthday girl’s boyfriend yesterday! We chilled in a nestle shop (did you know there are nestle shops, like cafes? I didn’t). It was so nice and cute. After everyone else left i hung out w the birthday girl and her boyfriend a little longer, we went to a shwarma place. Their fries were so good omg. I didn’t get home until 1am, which is funny bc after getting home at midnight the night before my host mom was like don’t be out until 1-2am, it’s haram. I think her biggest concern was still the taxi though, so i let her know the boyfriend was dropping me home and she was just like alright.

So fun fact!! The birthday girl and her boyfriend have been going out a couple years, but have only ever got to see each other a few times in real life because he lives here in jordan, and she lives in the US, and is lebanese, so when she does come to the area it’s always to lebanon, and this is the most time they’ve ever got to spend together since they’ve started dating and it is the cutest thing in the world. To make this even cuter, her birthday is tomorrow, but their anniversary is today! So they’re being all cute today, and her boyfriend has a surprise birthday party planned for her with us coming tomorrow. Like my heart can’t take how sweet this all is. They make me wanna find love so bad, honestly. 

I like was gonna talk about more pissed off drama i’ve had w the family i’m staying with, but writing all the cute things out have left me so happy i don’t even care. I will say though the boys hate me and whenever i get frustrated the host mom just tells me they’re playing with me and then does that whole just calm down thing, and wow i am so tired of living with children who hate me and the parents tell me i’m over exaggerating and to chill. (like right before i left me and my brother finally started getting on in a respectful manner, so of course i had to come here and continue to deal with that same hell, because the last 15 years weren’t enough)

Anyway, jordan is a time i can’t wait to get back in chicago, but am excited for the rest of my time here holds!