#The universe is a fucking fascinating place to be and we're not capable of understanding it because it's too vast and we're finite
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i don't think netflix has ever Perceived me quite as clearly as it did today when the first thing that popped up on my screen after opening netflix was a documentary about infinity
#Fucking hell I've cried three times in the last hour just watching this???#I mean I was in a major weird headspace when I hit play anyway and somehow#The crushing melancholy and listlessness that hit me out of nowhere when I got home from work#Collided directly with the simultaneous existential dread and optimistic wonder about the possibilities of the universe and infinity#And somehow I'm just. In a better place#The universe is a fucking fascinating place to be and we're not capable of understanding it because it's too vast and we're finite#Like genuinely there are things out there that CANNOT be comprehended the way we understand the world and reality#Possibilities are limitless and YET#Just the fact that in the whole vastness and complexity and possibilities of the universe#We're here with the ability to contemplate it?#We're infinities ourselves and yet we have meaning BECAUSE we're finite#The wonder of existence#The humility of our fundamental limitations#Which of themselves give meaning to the endless possibilities of the universe?#God damn#In another life i actually would have followed this wonder and become a theoretical physicist or something#Like that shit is genuinely SO fascinating and humbling and conceptualizing our existence is so connected to what makes us tick#WHY we create art and find meaning and are capable of love. Not to be too sappy on main but like. Fuck man#Hold on a sec. Man just hold on#THE UNIVERSE SHOULDNT EXIST. IT MAKES NO SENSE#AND YET IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT DOES MAKE SENSE AND OF COURSE WE ARE HERE. OF COURSE WE ARE#Misc#Existential crises with Syra hour
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To my wonderful friends, family, & others...
This is going to be long as fuck. Chan speak less challenge
Haneul, I'll never be able to thank you enough for everything you've done and continue to do for me always. It used to feel wrong, really, to have you care so much. Worry so much. Help so much. I always thought I should be able to do things alone. Move on my own. Heal on my own. I always thought that it was my job to be there for others, not burden them. I never allowed myself to ask for help because it felt as if I was weak, incapable. Deep down, I was afraid of doing so. I was afraid of letting people in. I was afraid of letting people help because that would mean showing them everything wrong. And who could trust me once they found out how fucked up I was? Who could love me? But you showed me how wrong I was. You taught me that one of the bravest things I could ever do was asking for help. Allowing myself to hurt and heal, and not do it alone. You continue to remind me everyday how much I am worth, how capable of receiving and giving love I am. You stay by my side no matter how many times I screw up, and that means the absolute world to me. To welcome you into my life is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. I promise to keep working hard for you. For us. I love you forever, and I thank you wholeheartedly for everything.
Jihyo, even though you're not here anymore, it would be wrong to just erase you like that. I probably should've said all of this before, I should've let you know how much you meant to me, how much I loved you. I fucking genuinely loved you. I love you. And I probably will always, because what I feel for you doesn't just die out. I know I screwed up, I know I pushed you away, I know I couldn't be there for you, and I'm sorry. I will always be sorry. Because you deserved so much more. When I told you I would've dropped everything for you, I meant it. Have you just told me, I would've done things differently. And I will always regret not having been able to give us a chance. Not having acted sooner. Not having spoken up when I could have. I know you loved me just as much, and I'm sorry I put you through that, because I know loving me hurt you, and I never wanted to cause you any pain. I guess some things just aren't meant to be, but that doesn't make it less shitty, hm? I miss you. I've been missing you for a while now, but it was better to part ways. And now you're entirely gone, once again you slipped right in between my fingers. But its ok, I'm letting you go. I'm setting you free now. I promised I wouldn't go away, and that was a shitty thing to do because maybe you needed me to. I'm sorry for all the pain, all the hurt, all the tears. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. And wherever you are now, I hope you can find the calm you so badly craved. The peace of mind and the love you deserve.
My pack, my wonderful pack. The boys that have watched my back more than I've watched theirs. The boys that have carried me through some of my darkest times. I won't ever have enough words to thank you. Thank you for choosing me. Trusting me. Giving me the chance to give you a home, a family. Accepting me as I am, accepting me as a whole with everyone and everything that I love. I'll be forever grateful to have you.
Yeji, Chae & Chae, you're really something else, hm? The three of you with your own particularities. The way you care, the way you're always there, the way you've always the right things to say. The way you love. It is heart warming, really, how selfless you are. There's not been one time in which you haven't been there for me. And I promise you I'll always be there for you too.
When I sat down to create the family list, i thought hard. Really really hard. What is family, right? Because, family it's not only about blood bond. It's not about having been born from the same parents or sharing uncles. It's not just being the same family tree. And so I thought, what are reason to add these three wonderful girls into my family? And then it hit me that there's not a single definition for it. That family is such a complex concept.
Yeji, you have showed to be an exceptional friend over and over. The fact that we started talking over a sex joke it's quite amusing, too. And now look how far we've made it. I don't think I'm half of the crackhead I'm with you with anyone else. You don't need me at all. Not as I'm used to being needed, at least. And that eases me so much. That liberates me of so many responsibilities while around you. You are a safe place, and I hope I can be the same to you at some point.
P. Chae, even though we haven't really spoken much privately or alone, I can't help but consider you family for another number of reasons. You're just always there, y'know? You've always been. Somehow you got under our skin. all of us, including admin. You're probably one of the weirdest people I've ever had the chance to meet, but it's ok because that makes you YOU and I love it. There's never a sad time when around you. You lift everyone's mood so fast, always. You're loving and caring in your own especial way. I'll never forget the first time you messaged me, either. You were so worried about Haneullie that day, apologizing so much for bothering but at the same time urging me to check on her. I told it was ok even though I was quite busy, but it didn't matter because you are her beat friend, right? And if you come at me freaking out over my little sis I'll drop everything in a second. It was heart warming, really, and since then I've never not once doubted your heart.
S. Chae, you're one of the most caring, selfless, loving, wonderful, unique people I've ever had the luck to cross paths with in my entire life. You're always there. No matter what's going on, you're always there. There with your hearts that put a smile on my face, there with your quotes that make me rethink my day, there with your love that makes me feel like I'm not alone, there with your horny ass that makes me feel validated, there with your gentle words that make me realize that its ok to breakdown sometimes. You're always there, even though we haven't been there for you enough. Even though I haven't. You care to an extent only you can, and that's fascinating. Thank you for everything you do.
The three of you, girls, mean so much to me. So so much. And I promise you I will always be here for you. Whatever you need, any time at all, whatever it is. I promise I'll be here.
Lix, shit, what is there to tell you that I haven't done already? What is there to tell you that is proper for the dash, hm? I think it's been little times in my life that I've felt so... Disconnected of everything. But at the same time so grounded and connected to someone. Whenever I'm with you, Lixie, I forget the world around. I forget everything. Forget my problems, and my achievements, forget where I am and who I am. I forget everything and all I know is that right there, in that moment with you, I'm all yours. And I would do absolutely anything you asked me just to see you smile, to hear you laugh. When I'm with you, nothing else matters. And nothing makes sense but at the same time my mind is so clear, everything is so clear, so obvious. So obvious that I belong to you and you belong to me. You pull me out of whatever hole I'm in and bring me back to the surface, you are my sun, my moon, my stars, my galaxies. You're a universe on your own and I can't help but want you all to myself. And that's fucking scary. But somehow so exciting. You give me faith. Faith in myself, in my future. You make me feel like there is a chance, and you know what? If there is one, even if it's my last one, I want to spend it on you. With you. I want you to be my chance. And l will work hard for it. Because I'm not willing to lose you, Lix. I'm not.
Sanie & Woongie, I have so many things to apologize for. I'm sorry for not putting enough effort. I'm sorry for not being there enough. I'm sorry for those days I lack words. I'm sorry for those times I can only offer cuddles. I'm sorry for not being able to help as I should. I'm sorry for not being what you need. I'm sorry for just not being. And I know you don't believe that's true, I know you don't think I lack, but the truth is that I can't help the way I feel inside. And I know you can't either. I know you can't help it when you're sad, when you think you're not enough. I know you can't help it when you feel you're letting people down. I know you can't help it when you feel you're not worthy, when you feel like you don't matter. But you know what I do believe? That we deserve better. I do believe that we're strong, capable. I do believe that we'll make it out and I do believe that we will be ok. I believe in us. I believe in you. And I promise you that I will work hard to make you believe it too. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving. It doesn't matter how much you say you think you're a bother. It doesn't matter how much you think you're making me upset. It doesn't matter because I will hold you tight and I will not let you go. Things do get better, we just need to wait a little longer.
Last but not least, my beautiful babygirl, my princess, my little girl. I love you so so so much, did you know that? Caimie, my precious little sunshine, I would move mountains for you. Split oceans in half. I would bring down the moon for you, catch all the stars in a jar for you so you have your own sky in your room. I don't think you understand just how much you mean to me. I don't think you're aware of the power you hold. I love everything about you, from the way you get flustered and blush at the tiniest things I do to the way you smile so genuinely at my stories about work. I love the way you climb on my lap whenever we cuddle because that's your favorite spot. I love the way you rest your head on my chest to listen to my heartbeat. I love the way your hand fits in mine, and I love the way your lips feel in mines too. I love your soft touches, I love your small whimpers, I love your pretty moans. I love how one second you're screaming about how cute your doll in Animal Crossing looks and next second you're being a crackhead on the dash. I love taking care of you, telling you to go to bed, reminding you to drink water, calling you out when you're not paying attention in class. You are and will always be my little baby. And whoever wants to get with you will have to go over me first because I'm bit giving you away to the first fucker who thinks they've got a chance. I love you, princess. Forever.
โ
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Those who are like family:
@shinhaneul-oc @bunjihyo @illuminated-skz @princess-yeji @mafia-chaeyoung @hunter-chaeyoung @skz-cb @babie-sanie @bunny-woong @caimchris
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