The Nightmare Cycle by Lawrence Dagstine - Now available in Barnes & Nobles

Just here today real quick to announce that my latest horror collection, The Nightmare Cycle, from Dark Owl Publishing, is available in Barnes & Nobles. Not just Amazon or horror specialty stores and conventions. You can obtain it online or through “select physical stores,” probably the ones that have a horror section. If they don’t have it in stock, it can usually be obtained within two business…

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npmd headcanons because my brain is rotted <3 <3

heehee hoohoo i am rotating the entirety of hatchetfield in my brain

im updating this as i think of more stuff so bear with me if this gets stupidly long

richie has audhd. i know this because he is me i am him we are EACH OTHER /j

ruth and richie met in the anime section of barnes and noble in middle school and nearly screamed when they realized they were going to the same high school later on

steph is lactose intolerant and is not brave about it ever. tries to share a hot chocolate with pete and spends the next three hours miserable

grace is doomed to kill in every timeline but it can be prevented by her best friends keeping her too occupied with mundane nonsense for her to find a gun

richie has so much tboy cringe energy. that man kins sasuke you cannot tell me i'm wrong

i have hit them all with my transgender and gay beam >:3c they're the friend group that hit their gender and sexuality realizations in waves. someone's egg cracked first (richie) and it set off a chain reaction

pete is genderfluid and usually presents masc (he/they)

bi with no strong preference either way

only recently began to dabble with femininity in his gender presentation

steph is gnc transmasc (he/she, used interchangeably)

bi with a masc preference

no matter who you are, if you have a crush on steph, you're gay. them's the rules pal

richie is transmasc (he/it)

aroace spectrum! he's demi on both ends, fluctuates pretty often.

somehow incredibly perceptive to romance unless it directly involves him, then he's as dense as a brick

ruth is a girlthing because she's swag like that (she/it/they)

pan with a fem preference

her preferred type is pathetic mascs and intimidating fems

grace is fem-presenting nonbinary (she/they)

formerly closeted lesbian

had the WORST case of comphet until she realized she didn't necessarily have to be attracted to MEN to be attracted to masculinity :3

max is transfem (she/he)

she's a butch lesbian!!! she doesn't feel pressured to be hyper-feminine after realizing she's trans, because she's already pretty happy with her outward presentation

saw all her new friends going through their various gender and sexuality realizations and is just "i hope this doesn't awaken anything in me :)" (it did)

OH also paul is richie's uncle! richie's dad is paul's older brother. they don't interact much but it is literally Autism to Autism

if the group were to fall victim to any of the Lords in Black, it'd probably be as follows:

max - wiggly. rage hatred biting nightmare nightmare >:3

steph - nibbly. he's got the closest ties to the CotSC and also we need more nibbly rep

pete - tinky. duh. probs gets trapped in the box in timelines where steph dies before him and he desperately wants to bring her back

richie - blinky. idk it's just vibes to me. he seems like the kind of guy to go nuts for eye symbolism

ruth - pokey. she's a theater kid and i think that pokey would have a field day shoving her into the fucked up and evil spotlight

grace - all of them. they take turns babysitting her in various timelines. she is their favorite child

richie 100% uses anime terminology to describe normal ass situations. he calls steph a tsundere once and steph has to act like her world wasn't just shifted two inches to the left for the rest of the day

oh also in redemption timelines they have movie / bingewatch nights!! they cycle between everyone's favorite shows or films. it's the best part of their week every single time

max was cast as a leading role the one and only time she ever auditioned for theater and it freaked her out so much that she declined the role

richie's hair is Like That because he tried to get the cool anime spiky hairstyle to work for him (it didn't) (he doesn't realize this until college)

pete was a greek mythology girlie i just know this. something about him screams "i read percy jackson way too much as a kid"

after grace realizes she doesn't have to be a "perfect" christian, she swears like a sailor

also grace hand embroiders all her clothes as a hobby! (this is semi-canon, since she has embroidered strawberries on the cuffs of her jeans in the show)

the first time steph smoked ouid, he made the mistake of using cbd oil and a pipe at the same time. man was in SPACE

all of them are poly with each other but at different levels:

steph and pete are Dating dating. so are max and grace. wholesome yaoi VS toxic yuri

ruth and steph are almost definitely "best friends" in the historical sense

richie and ruth are qpp. if they were both 100% straight they'd probably be the most annoying couple in the world

pete and richie kiss sometimes but its genuinely platonic for them. just bros being bros (they are so deeply in love and neither of them realize it until years later)

ruth and pete are friends to ??? to lovers to friends who cuddle sometimes

richie and steph are polar opposites but they love each other to death. black cat and orange cat kind of relationship

max and grace barely intersect with the nerds but they still consider all four of them to be part of their weird situationship

(grace definitely experimented with all four of them, with max's permission. just to be Sure. y'know.)

max is doing her best to make amends with the nerds but it is very slow going. she has gotten to casual fistbump level with them though!

the nerds usually just look at max and grace from the sidelines like they're watching two wild beasts circling each other in their enclosure. their flirting is NOT rated pg and it still baffles them how the local prude and the highschool football star managed to get together

richie unintentionally dropped the fact that he has a fursuit - a timberwolf, because i'm projecting - and ended up helping everyone design their fursonas. pete is a traditional chimera (goat, snake, and lion), steph is a plain black cat, ruth is a flemish giant rabbit (she did research), grace is a sheep, and max is a checkered-tail nighthawk.

any time that the group gets spam calls, all they have to do is hand the phone to ruth and they get taken off the lists the moment she speaks. ruth was frustrated by it at first but it became a game of "how many companies can i inconvenience before they stop calling hatchetfield numbers entirely"

steph braided pete's hair once and he damn near proposed on the spot

ruth knows how to sew (from doing tech) and helps teach max how to mend her clothes! max ends up being really good at it! she goes on to teach the entire football team how to fix their uniforms and ruth ends up being the honorary team favorite for at least a year

im taking jon matteson's "richie should have blue hair in a movie version of NPMD" and fucking sprinting with it. he dyes his hair at least once a year and it's a wildly different color every time

ruth is the kind of gal to love games with lots of violence because it makes her feel like a badass vigilante (she can barely do a push-up in real life) (just like me)

steph is deeply afraid of large bodies of water. major L on his part seeing as he lives on a fucking island

bouncing off of the above hc, pete's afraid of planes. these two can't travel out of hatchetfield without one of them nearly shaking out of their own skin

max doesn't actually like football that much. she's REALLY good at it, yeah, but she'd prefer to play most other sports even if she isn't good at them! she likes the challenge of doing something she won't automatically win!

grace probably writes lists of things to keep everything in order. she's got lists of all her favorite foods, a checklist of daily chores, etc etc (it's also because she's got undiagnosed autism and she functions better when she has a Routine)

no matter what, pete will always stop and talk to the homeless man downtown. he doesn't really know why, though. (ted wishes he could say something to pete, but he never does. best to keep him at arms length.)

ruth really really really reeaaaally wants to cosplay but she's nervous that she'll be deemed as the "cringy weirdo" by other con-goers. she eventually admits this to richie, who rallies the group into a group cosplay for moral support

it takes a lot of convincing for them to find a fandom they all want to cosplay from. they settled on FNAF, specifically security breach bc it's Timely (they go to the con in 2022)

pete is glamrock freddy, steph is monty, ruth is glamrock chica, and max is roxy!

richie was glamrock bonnie and he gets so mad when the official design comes out a year later bc it was completely different than what he imagined

grace eventually agrees to dress up as vanessa (she never played the games) (she thinks FNAF is a real animatronic restaurant) (everyone they meet thinks she's method acting)

they end up crashing at ruth's place absolutely DRAINED. they all have imprints on their arms from carrying around an absurd amount of merch. pete nearly started a fistfight in the parking lot with a bakugo cosplayer. max nearly finished it.

they all agreed that it was one of the best things they've ever done and also to Never Do It Again

richie had a brief phase where he was obsessed with black butler and he regrets it to this day

grace and max both have scary dog energy but in different directions. max (post-transition) looks really intimidating at first glance but she's got golden retriever energy. grace will stare at you with the scariest fucking eyes if you're mean to retail employees

steph has always wanted a pet, but her dad never allowed it. when he moves out and gets an apartment with the nerds, they all agree to rescue a pair of bonded cats for his birthday. steph doesn't stop crying for at least an hour

steph and pete named one of the cats, while ruth and richie picked the other one's name.

Mittens is the Lautski baby, a black and white girlie who is incapable of mischief. she's like the disney ideal of a cat. she's a cuddle monster and will be so sad if you have to get up and do things without her

ruth and richie are the proud coparents of Sir Jotaro Gooberton (the Third). he is the most stupid tabby you will ever meet in your life and he has made the crime rate in the household go up tenfold.

a very common Lautski date night is going to the candle section of walmart and just sniffing every single one of those bad boys until they get a headache

The time has come - the marketing time.

The release of Prince of Thorns & Nightmares (preorder a SIGNED copy of Sleeping Beauty from Prince Phillip's point-of-view here) is only one month away now, and I'm going places to celebrate!

On Oct. 3rd, I will be in conversation with @rosieethor (Life is Strange: Steph's Story) at Powell's Books in Beaverton, OR.

HEY IGNORE THIS FOR NOW AND SUPPORT THE POWELL'S WORKERS WHO ARE STRIKING ON MONDAY SEPT. 4TH BY NOT PURCHASING ANYTHING ONLINE THAT DAY (as asked here with more info)

On Oct. 7th, I will be on a YA panel at the Southcenter Barnes & Noble with Rosiee, MT Zimny (The Apex Cycle), Lily Meade (The Shadow Sister), and Margaret Owen (Little Thieves) moderated by Hailey of wearecurrentlyreading.

On Oct. 10th, I'll be celebrating the release of the Being Ace anthology at Jan's at 7pm.

The week of Oct. 10th will also feature multiple virtual events for the anthology that will be announced soon. Remember, the preorder campaign is live now if you order from select indies.

So if you have ever wanted a signed booky or to listen to fantasy authors talk, come see us!

Jan 3rd

Guess I'm a bit late to the start of this daily blog but knowing me I'll be missing a lot of days coming ahead. I don't really know where to start so I'll just reflect on today and the last few days.

I kind of feel like I'm already starting 2023 on a rough note. I don't know the holiday season is just always a really tough and lonely time for me and with seasonal depression on top of that things have just been hard to get through. I mean I spent new years eve and christmas majorly alone and even if that is better than having to spend it with family it just felt so defeating not having anyone to actually be close to. I feel like things have just been building and hurting and I'm starting to feel disconnected from other people. Even if I know it's not true I just feel like I'm bothering others and constantly asking people to spend time with me to cover up for my loneliness and isolation. Kind of like a parsite.

I know people will say I'm not but it's hard not to feel that way when I already struggle with emotional permanence. I feel like there is just a wall and I'll always be stuck behind that and the classification of an "internet friend" or "long distance friend" to others. There is nothing wrong with that because it is true but you just feel so unimportant at times because of it. It's the feeling that you'll never come before anything in their immediate life that makes me feel like this. I feel like there's nothing wrong with that because in terms of relationships in person ones should be priority. I'm just.. Idk maybe I'm just complaining because I have no in person relationships. I feel so toxic thinking about this whole thing. It's just a woe is me, I'm acting like a baby and want attention moment it feels like. Need to get over myself

I'm probably just tired of feeling alone and in the process of trying not to feel alone I've just come to hate myself for this weakness and desperation more. Just constantly wondering if people will come to hate me if I try to cling so I shut down. It's just an unhealthy cycle and I feel like I'll be stuck feeling like this.

In other news I find myself back in a reading binge of sorts. Probably in connection with my desperation to escape reality but I start at least 1 series a day at this point. Today I read a few short GL series the main one being Handsome Girl and Sheltered Girl. I got recommended it by a friend that was making an edit of the series (10/10 edit btw). It was such a cute and interesting series.

This series should have been much and I was shocked to find out it got axed!? LIKE WHYY they even teased a gay couple developing in the last chapter. It had so much more promise and storyline it could have explored even if it still was a short series.

Also I am so upset I missed out on the hardcover barnes and noble sale! I so could have bought so many art books ughhh

I think the last thing I wanna talk about is probably what I think 2023 will have in store for me. I just know there is going to be so many changes ahead for me. From being out of school right now to moving across country later in the year. Not even mentioning the constant drama and stuff going with my family. I'm excited but filled with so many many worries that I feel overwhelmed at times. I just tell myself not to think on the what ifs and if any come up I need to just drown the thought itself. I get a lot of headaches lately though lol

I think a big realization I came to today is that while I can leave my family literally I don't think I'll be able to cut them out of my life as much I want to. So I might have to actually come out to my family so I can be more open when I am away. Idk the thought of hiding any more than I already do is mentally exhausting but so is the thought of coming out.

2023 will just be messy and a mental nightmare but that's okay I'll try to take things one day at a time

I'd actually really like to ask about the opening chapter of Heroes are Easy, People are Hard, specifically the big conversation between Tony and Bucky because I remember reading it and thinking that I did not envy you the task of writing it. It's the kind of scene that would make me cry and scream and wait until the last second to write and then get bogged down revising. But you did it so well and that scene really got me hooked on the whole premise because CHARACTERIZATION HOLY WOW.

*beams* Aww, thank you so much! 

That scene is probably my favorite: it was the first thing I wrote, the impetus for all the rest of the story. And actually, it wasn’t revised all that much, although it wasn’t written in one sitting. That’s because various iterations of that scene had popped up over and over in my stock daydreaming rotation for a while--you know, the dramatic stories you tell yourself when you’re walking somewhere or on the subway or the soap opera in your head before you fall asleep--before I decided to write it down, so I had a lot of drafts discarded before I even started.

That said, the very first written version, even though it basically avoids the key conversation, has them already at the Tower. Steve’s mostly recovered when Tony asks if he can talk with Bucky on the roof. He leaves the room as he’s saying this, so he doesn’t see Bucky go pale and determined, and, out of nowhere, kisses Steve before following Tony. Then I have the following, tense shifts and all:

[Bucky gets on the roof and heand Tony eventually sort out that execution is not on the agenda. Line at some point: “No x, no y, and no, I willnot reconsider.”]

Theshaking might not be relief, though, because it’s accompanied by a soft butemphatic “shit.” Then Barnes, in another incredibly incongruous move, flashedhim a wry grin. “I might ask you toreconsider. I kinda just—” he broke off, blushing,and rubbed the back of his neck, which, if it wasn’t an old-timey habit, feltlike one.

  “What?Spill,” Tony demanded. “I own you now. You owe me. What’d you do with your whatyou somehow thought were your last minutes on Earth? Which I am still madabout, by the way.”

 “Ikissed Steve.”

Starkstopped pacing. He looked delighted. “You what. Is Cap a good kisser? –Wait, doI want to know? I don’t think I want to know. --You kissed Cap?”

So that was fun, and in retrospect was probably the origins of Stucky-shipper Tony, but I also had to consider how they’d end up at Stark Tower to begin with, and how it would have to Bucky who called for help if something happened to Steve. At least some of the conversation I skipped over in brackets would have to take place then. And I liked the tension and pathos inherent in Bucky putting his life--and Steve’s--in Tony’s hands after the fight in Civil War. 

There were many daydream/draft/versions around the same theme, but turns out I could only commit a less melodramatic version to paper. Writing it down also helped me realize what was out of character (like melodrama). Originally I thought Tony would be more suspicious that it was a trap, for instance. Then I realized he’d have talked with Pepper and Rhodey before going anywhere, and that they--especially Pepper--would probably be inclined to believe Bucky because they’ve seen Tony when he’s desperate. There’s a certain shared logic of “I need to save this person. What happens to me is incidental. Here’s the best solution” in, say, Tony forcing a big fight with Rhodey so Rhodey “stole” the War Machine armor, or Tony remote-summoning the Mark 42 armor and having it grab Pepper, that they recognize in Bucky calling Tony. Besides, when Tony isn’t freaked out, he’d be able to recognize that Bucky didn’t choose to kill his parents and is probably not actively working against him now. Probably.

 But none of this is about That Scene itself. Hmm. 

I suppose what I wanted to do was make Bucky deliberately, totally vulnerable (because I want him to be safe and happy forever and therefore have All The Feels over it when he’s noble and self-sacrificing, apparently). He’s scared out of his mind, it has never occurred to him that Tony might not kill him if they ever see each other again, and he has to be completely open and honest and pliable or Tony might not believe him and might not help Steve. He’s deliberately, systematically making himself helpless as a show of good faith.

It immediately followed that in that scenario, Tony would be intensely uncomfortable. Even if he’s mostly sure it’s probably not a trap, he’s kinda scared of Bucky, and really doesn’t like him. He’s also aware that it’s not Bucky’s fault he killed his parents, but that doesn’t make the dislike/fear/rage combo go away. If you get down to it, he knows that he’s killed people he didn’t mean to too, like Wanda’s family, and that he handled the revelation about Bucky about as well as Wanda and Pietro handled seeing his name on the missile, only they were, what, ten years old? when they decided to Get Revenge on Tony Stark, and he’s a lot older and maybe should have reacted differently. But. “Screw you. He killed my mom.” That whole thing, the guilt and the ambivalence about the guilt, makes all the other things worse. 

In the end, I had Tony spell that out himself, because being completely, flippantly honest can be a defense mechanism as well as a vulnerability. Both he and Bucky are probably being the most open and honest they are in the whole story in this scene (and the one in the lounge in chapter two), but for very different reasons. Bucky is trying to give Tony control and Tony is . . . partly dealing with his awkwardness by naming it and putting it out there first, and partly nope-ing right out of that power position.

Tangent: Tony isn’t comfortable having power over people. In the movies, he’s happiest when someone’s giving him a hard time--Pepper and Rhodey give him so much shit, seriously, and he gives it right back and it’s a cycle of sass and joy. His hassling Bruce on the helicarrier isn’t so much “I’m not scared of you, I’m a badass, I can take you” as “I’m not scared of you, you’re cool.” He wants everyone on an equal footing. (Also predisposes him to not like Daddy’s Wonder Boy very much, because the Ideal of Steve was always there when he was growing up, but that’s a different conversation.) 

Then you put these together: Bucky’s trying to be as submissive and non-threatening as possible, Tony is uncomfortable with that but also on edge, AND THEN the fundamental disconnect becomes clear and both of them are thrown a little off-script. Tony’s startled and worried and finds himself trying to reassure Bucky, who is, meanwhile, completely overwhelmed. And then compelled to be even more honest about everything out of gratitude. 

Finally, there’s the fact that Tony’s starting to think of Bucky (correctly) as younger than him and to recognize that there are more parallels between them than just “skills used to kill people when I did not agree to doing that”--specifically that they’re both self-sacrificing and guilty about shit. It’s way easier for Tony to see in Bucky than in himself. He doesn’t really put all of it together, or rather, let himself know he has, until the nightmare scene later. That was the second scene I wrote.  :)

I wasn’t sure on the order for certain elements at first--how early in the conversation it becomes clear that Bucky expects Tony to kill him, whether the revelation that Bucky’s in love with Steve happens in the conversation or after--but the conversation flowed reasonably well the way I wrote it down the first time, so I didn’t mess with it that much later. It just was a lot of staring at the screen and typing slowly when I first set it down.

....That got long and I don’t know if any of that was what you were after, but I could probably go on A LOT longer about character analysis and stuff, so let me know. 

Ten Interesting Japanese Novels

Purple Haze Feedback by Kohei Kadono Purple Haze Feedback is a novelized continuation of the story of GioGio's Bizarre Adventure, the 5th iteration of an ongoing manga series by Hirohiko Araki. It was written by Kohei Kadono, but approved by, and considered part of the main story by Araki himself. Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata Convenience Store Woman is the heartwarming and surprising story of thirty-six-year-old Tokyo resident Keiko Furukura. Keiko has never fit in, neither in her family, nor in school, but when at the age of eighteen she begins working at the Hiiromachi branch of “Smile Mart,” she finds peace and purpose in her life. (Amazon) Battle Royale by Koushun Takami Koushun Takami's notorious high-octane thriller envisions a nightmare scenario: a class of junior high school students is taken to a deserted island where, as part of a ruthless authoritarian program, they are provided arms and forced to kill until only one survivor is left standing. Criticized as violent exploitation when first published in Japan—where it became a runaway best seller—Battle Royale is a Lord of the Flies for the 21st century, a potent allegory of what it means to be young and (barely) alive in a dog-eat-dog world. (Amazon) The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa A haunting Orwellian novel about the terrors of state surveillance, from the acclaimed author of The Housekeeper and the Professor. (Amazon) In the Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami It is just before New Year's. Frank, an overweight American tourist, has hired Kenji to take him on a guided tour of Tokyo's sleazy nightlife on three successive evenings. But Frank's behavior is so strange that Kenji begins to entertain a horrible suspicion: that his new client is in fact the serial killer currently terrorizing the city. (Goodreads) Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto Kitchen is an enchantingly original book that juxtaposes two tales about mothers, love, tragedy, and the power of the kitchen and home in the lives of a pair of free-spirited young women in contemporary Japan. Mikage, the heroine, is an orphan raised by her grandmother, who has passed away. Grieving, Mikage is taken in by her friend Yoichi and his mother (who is really his cross-dressing father) Eriko. As the three of them form an improvised family that soon weathers its own tragic losses, Yoshimoto spins a lovely, evocative tale with the kitchen and the comforts of home at its heart. (Amazon) Almost Transparent Blue by Ryu Murakami Almost Transparent Blue is a brutal tale of lost youth in a Japanese port town close to an American military base. Murakami?s image-intensive narrative paints a portrait of a group of friends locked in a destructive cycle of sex, drugs and rock?n?roll. The novel is all but plotless, but the raw and often violent prose takes us on a rollercoaster ride through reality and hallucination, highs and lows, in which the characters and their experiences come vividly to life. Trapped in passivity, they gain neither passion nor pleasure from their adventures. Yet out of the alienation, boredom and underlying rage and grief emerges a strangely quiet and almost equally shocking beauty. (Amazon) Out by Natsuo Kirino This mesmerizing novel tells the story of a brutal murder in the staid Tokyo suburbs, as a young mother who works the night shift making boxed lunches strangles her abusive husband and then seeks the help of her coworkers to dispose of the body and cover up her crime. The coolly intelligent Masako emerges as the plot's ringleader but quickly discovers that this killing is merely the beginning, as it leads to a terrifying foray into the violent underbelly of Japanese society. (Amazon) 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami The year is 1984 and the city is Tokyo. A young woman named Aomame follows a taxi driver’s enigmatic suggestion and begins to notice puzzling discrepancies in the world around her. She has entered, she realizes, a parallel existence, which she calls 1Q84 —“Q is for ‘question mark.’ A world that bears a question.” Meanwhile, an aspiring writer named Tengo takes on a suspect ghostwriting project. He becomes so wrapped up with the work and its unusual author that, soon, his previously placid life begins to come unraveled. (Barnes and Noble) I Am a Cat by Soseki NatsumeWritten from 1904 through 1906, Soseki Natsume's comic masterpiece, I Am a Cat, satirizes the foolishness of upper-middle-class Japanese society during the Meiji era. With acerbic wit and sardonic perspective, it follows the whimsical adventures of a world-weary stray kitten who comments on the follies and foibles of the people around him. (Amazon)

I am excited to share my release day with author, J.A. Owenby! AND … both of our books are on sale for a limited time for only $0.99.

Echoes Beneath J.A. Owenby

More than anything in the world, Lacey wants to feel safe. Even though she has escaped her abusive past and started a new life in Eugene, Oregon, she often wakes up screaming, plagued by nightmares.

When Lacey meets Xander, a handsome Oregon State University senior, she’s hesitant—her heart is still fragile. But when her dark history threatens to pull her under once again, Xander quickly becomes her protector.

Xander gives Lacey the security she so desperately craves, but as she begins to see the man he really is, she’s no longer sure who to trust—including herself.

Echoes Beneath will draw you into Lacey’s life once again as she struggles to find her inner strength and break the cycle of abuse.

*** Ages 17+ Contains language, sex, and violence *** This is book 2 in a series

Amazon / Barnes & Noble / iTunes

BOOK 1 in her series is also on sale for a limited time for only 99cents!

***

Deadly Consequences

This book is probably one of the most intense books I have written. Fair warning – it is a romantic thriller. ESPIONAGE. MEMORY LOSS. CYBER WARFARE. ROMANCE.

And after the book … there is more!

Get BONUS SCENES emailed to you!

I am excited to announce a new “All Things Hidden Truths” newsletter dedicated to delivering FREE BONUS CONTENT to subscribers. The first scene will be based on Deadly Consequences. But you’ll get access to more bonus scenes from the Hidden Truths series after that. This is a separate newsletter for my readers who want MORE Hidden Truths. More of my HOT MARINES! Click the link if interested.

Get Deadly Consequences for $0.99 (ebook) for a limited time. Paperback coming in 7-10days.

Amazon, Nook, Google Play, Apple, Kobo

“Fans of Katie Reus’s Red Stone Security series or Cristin Harber’s Titan novels – will love this book! This is the most explosive novel of the series yet!” -Review Featured on USA Today’s Happy Ever After Blog – Preorder Hotlist

Two New Releases Live! I am excited to share my release day with author, J.A. Owenby! AND ... both of our books are on sale for a limited time for only $0.99.

Ravings of a Madman, A Journey 152

The dream still beckons me forward as it's siren song echoed deep in my very soul. We merged so long ago. Does the dream belong to me or do I belong to it? It is hard to say anymore. Does it really matter? Maybe, but somehow I doubt it. Seventeen years down the River of Time since I began on this incredible voyage. And its end will never come. It is the nature of the beast that dwells inside my body. I must seek perfection in all I do. Oh yes. The dream still drives me forward.

Seventeen years ago I found myself locked in a life and death struggle. I heard the clock ticking down to zero. Friends helped me to keep going, but the battle for my sanity was mine and mine alone! It seemed to me the only hope. Depression must be fought off with everything. I wrote about that before. I don't quite remember. . . After high school graduation, I grew away from wanting to be among humanity. I had my full of the games, the drama. I needed help. But how? No insurance, my health plan, and insanity slowly trickling into my soul. Almost accidentally a solution appeared to me. Back then I found it hard to write in a straight narrative form. But what about poetry? That where it began, unnoticed by me. This dream, it started back in 1984!

I never planned on anyone seeing my poetry. I don't even know how that happened. But those who saw my poems loved them. They encouraged me in my writing, never knowing that was my lifeline to sanity. Slowly I started writing about the world, the problems I saw, and the hope I still carried deep in my heart. Then an opportunity presented itself! My old pastor would pay to get my poetry published. The dream, not of becoming rich, but of possibly helping people with my poetry. No, that dream turned into a nightmare. I was young, I was naive. Vanity Press they print you pay. Just as you wrote it with no editing. The resulting book sickened me. I foolishly believed they would do everything and magically and overnight It would become a bestseller. That was in the early 1990s.

True dreams possess the magic of the Phoenix. No matter how badly they crash, they will rise again!

Flash forward to 2001. I still wrote poetry. Not as much as before because of that disastrous book. I lost the joy I felt with writing. Tragic really. Poetry kept my demons at bay. I suffered my first major depressive cycle as a result. But when I wrote poetry in the 1990s, I made them count. Those years, it reminded me of waves. Some of those years I wrote a lot, other years not so much. Then 2000 hit! I discovered I needed a liver transplant. I wrote my best poetry in 2001 and 2002. Poetry became my lifeline anew. AND THE DREAM BURST INTO LIFE AND HEADED FOR THE UNIVERSE! This time around I will control every aspect of creating a new poetry book called Phoenix Ascending. I chose the best poems I wrote, compiled it in book format, printed it myself, assembled a team of proofreaders to critique it. That book, that project, kept me focused, kept me going! I even arranged to sell it at Barnes and Noble! But before the date, I received my transplant and moved. All the copies I printed, 100 copies, got stolen along with my friend's car! The dream crashed! I did not have any copies of the book and I sunk deeper and deeper into that black pit in my mind.

Once heard, the Song of the Phoenix never fades. I still firmly heard it haunting melody. Perhaps, one day. . .

I barely survived the raging chaos of my soul. Did I really want to live? Too much happening, can't adjust, no hope, no joy just survive. Where is that music coming from? A star? A fiery light. Darkness reigned in my private universe. After six long hellish years in Indianapolis, I felt that I could move back to Evansville. Just before my mom died of cancer.

Then last year, mom's copy of Phoenix Ascending landed back into my hands. Right into the darkest deepest depression I have ever experienced. A sorely needed lifeline. I stared at it. I felt alive again. The dream burst into life again, and this time it refuses to let me go! I added more poems to it, a couple of the few I wrote since my transplant on September 18, 2002. Then I improved on the original, made it better with selected illustration and new introductions to each poem. I am on the third and final draft of the 2019 version of Phoenix Ascending.

I am not doing this for me anymore. No delusions of grandeur, no dreams of fame and fortune. I believe that somehow my poems in the book can help someone in need, give out hope. I am well rid of those illusions. My riches are in Heaven. I only wish to improve the world. Poetry is a way. To me the Phoenix represents Jesus. He got crucified and rose again. And people, we will rise again! I also wanted to include others in this dream. I enlisted the aid of my cousin, Trent Small, to design the front cover. I am including a painting by my best friend, Gary Davidson, in the book. (Read the book to find out why). And then I found forgotten treasure. One of the poems in the book is also a song! I have a copy of it. I am including it in the book, but first I needed permission from the person who wrote the music to include it. I felt that was the right thing to do. Needle in the haystack time! Oh joy! It has been around 18 years since I saw her. And yes from time to time I tried to find her over those years. I never had any luck. I tried again this morning, no idea why. Almost immediately, I found her on Facebook and sent my request to use our song. And she gave it! Tricia, I thank you! Now I have everything I need. Now the final effort begins! Target submission date is September 18, 2019. Could it be any other day? The dream still calls.

We are the dreamers. . .

Even though you’re dead, and it’s been four and a half years, I still see you. Not actually you. People that look like you. Smell like you. Talk in just the right way to make me turn my head.

Around the holidays is the worst. Although I now live in a different house with a different room and a different bed, I’m haunted by nightmares. Nightmares of Christmas family time but forgotten about Olivia, vulnerable and too scared to say anything.

As I stand in Barns and Noble walking towards the bathroom, I stopped dead in my tracks. A man, who could’ve been your twin, made eye contact with me from across the store. My heart stopped, my throat swelled shut, and I ran to the bathroom to take my anxiety medication and cry. You haunt me even after all these years. You truly completely destroyed me

And with the cycle that always seems to repeat itself, now I am destroying the person I love in a different way. I want to fix it. Actually have something work out and be good. But why lee reaching out when it’s clear it’s unwanted? I don’t want to give up, on anything. I don’t know what to do

Top 5 tips to getting your kids to bed so that you both can finally get some rest!

By: Lilly Cadoch

 Our kids are not getting enough sleep these days. Nor are we for that matter. With the pressure we busy mamas put on ourselves to be productive as well as over schedule our children so that they can gain a competitive edge, sleep gets lower and lower on the totem pole of priorities.

Let’s be real, the last genuine good night sleep we probably had was before we got pregnant. Between the first trimester nausea affecting our sleep, then being too big to sleep on our stomach and find a comfortable position (even with the myriad of prego pillows on the market), we were begging for the baby to come out! Not fully comprehending that sleep deprivation was about to plummet to yet another level and the prego lack of sleep was disguised training for the real newborn deal.

During those first few months, they say all babies do is eat, sleep and poop. But, between the feedings, burping’s and changing diapers, that sleep clock starts way before you know it, so when you finally are able to fall asleep after all that, you are soon woken up again to start this vicious cycle. Once you get past that phase, then comes the teething, the bed wetting, the nightmares, with illnesses sprinkled in for good measure. I must admit there is some reprieve when kids are old enough to get themselves ready for bed until they are old enough to drive and that’s when sleep goes out the door again as you worry that they get home safe and sound.

Just like we need to put the right foods into our body for optimal performance, we also need to give the body the rest it needs in order to recharge. No amount of healthy food is going to compensate for sleep deprivation.

Sleep deprivation usually equates to weight gain as sleep deprived people tend to overeat when tired. Lack of sleep affects focus and memory. Also, when you are tired and exhausted you are more prone to bad decision-making.

Here are 5 Busy Mom’s Cheat Sheet Tips to making sure your kids (and therefore you) get a good night sleep:

1)   Keep kids to a consistent waking and sleeping schedule

While I tend to let kids sleep later and wake up later on weekends, I put a limit on that so that it doesn’t interfere too much with their weekly sleep routine.

2)   The environment in their rooms can affect sleep as well

I had my kids choose their bedding and pillows to make sure they found it comfortable and excited to get under those blankets at night. For the little ones, having them choose which stuffed toy they want to sleep with that night was a great way to kick-off the bedtime ritual process.

I also had night shades installed so that the room stays dark even when the sun rises.

The temperature in the house is another factor that can affect sleep, with optimal temperature being between 68-70 degrees.

3)   Full stomach makes restless sleep

Eating a large meal right before bed can make it difficult to sleep, so try to avoid that when 

I try to give kids last bite to eat between 2-4 hours before 

This way they are also more likely to wake up hungry and eat breakfast in the morning which is so important to jump starting your metabolism and starting your day right.

Chamomile flower tea is known for its soothing and relaxing effect so try giving your kids a warm cup of tea to start the bedtime ritual process. Keep in mind for kids who may wet the bed to have them go to the restroom afterward and again before bed.

 4)   Remove your kids’ electronic devices from their room at bedtime. This is crucial to getting a good night’s sleep for two reasons:

First, this will help avoid the sneaking around to play at night or as kids get older waking up from texts or calls from friends.

Second, the bright light from the various screens (iPad, computer, phone, etc.) actually affects melatonin production which can negatively affect our ability to fall asleep

 5)   Bribe your kids with extended alone-time /quality time with you when you tuck them in if they go to bed on time.

Bedtime Story: When my kids were younger, I’d read them a bedtime story with each one of my kids individually, and they would get to spend exclusive alone time with me before their bedtime. After reading them a bedtime story, I’d ask them to list 3 things they are grateful for so that they can fall asleep feeling happier and more 

Pillow Talk: Now that they are a bit older, I still tuck them into bed and have alone time with them to meditate, say their positive affirmations and have what we call “pillow talk”, which is when I really hear about what happened during their day!

  The number of hours our kids should be getting according to the National Sleep Foundation. How many hours of sleep per night are your kids (and you!) getting?

Newborns  -  14-17 hours

Infants  -  12-15 hours

Toddlers  -  11-14 hours

Preschoolers  -  10-13 hours

School-Age  -  9-11 hours

Teenagers  -  8-10 hours

Young Adults  -  7-9 hours

Adults  -  7-9 hours

Older Adults  - 7-8 hours

 In a nutshell, we need to ingrain in our kids (and remind ourselves!) from a young age that sleep is a good thing and should be prioritized like everything else that is important to us. 

This blog post is inspired by “Busy Mom’s Cheat Sheet: Raising Happy Healthy Kids” Lesson #6: Ingrain in your kids from a young age that sleep is a good thing.

More lessons and tips like these as well as 45 healthy, quick and delicious recipes can be found in my book, “Busy Mom’s Cheat Sheet” available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble websites today!

Bio:

Lilly Cadoch is an award-winning author, certified health coach and dynamic speaker devoted to helping busy mom’s and all caregivers raise happy healthy kids by teaching their children the tools to have a healthy body and a healthy mind.  For more tips, inspiration, and recipes delivered to your inbox, sign up for her free newsletter at www.busymomscheatsheet.com and follow Busy Moms Cheat Sheet on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.