babe wake UP new AgentStannerShipper oisaine fic just dropped!!!!!!!

reading hamlet for the first time (act 5: the finale)

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none of you told me it was going to be this painful . none of you.

a5s1

“Ophelia’s dead.” “Enter CLOWNS!”

Like im sure this has a different meaning in EMA but im gonna make fun of it because it’s fucking hilarious. (future (present? (now past once more (?))) antares coming back to say i did look at nfs and yeah theyre gravediggers)

“First Clown: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter? Second Clown: The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.” damn not even just this one quote but these are some depressing clowns

hamlet and horatio!

okay there’s something about all of hamlet’s skull talk that makes me uneasy. like, not even the topic, just something in the words and how earnestly and (pardon my pun) gravely hamlet’s speaking about this. and it’s almost a mournful tune, too. it’s a huge difference from his “we’ll all be eaten by the same worms” speech to the point that it’s almost haunting.

“HAMLET: I will speak to this fellow.” C O N F R O N T

“HAMLET: I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.” (incomprehensible scribbling)

HAMLET, NOT IN ENGLAND: oh yeah lol he was sent to england huh u know why lmao

wait. did the. did the pirate situation get resolved. before act V.

I mean i think hamlet mentioned something about three years but the pirates are so fucking glossed over like what the fuck

“First Clown: 'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men are as mad as he.” HOLY SHIT ROAST THEM JFC

“HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull)” THIS IS THE SKULL SCENE! I fucking KNEW it was bullshit that holding the skull was in the to be/not to be speech. I saw it being presented as such like once or twice while reading and I KNEW IT

hm okay so hamlet picks up this guys skull, of someone he used to know, and sure maybe i could ignore the “those lips i have kissed” but then he goes on to mention alexander the great and i mean come on

but jesus like i feel like im not doing justice to the stuff hamlet’s saying. just, the gravity of it all. Its kinda hitting home a bit hard bc like ive had a crippling fear of what happens after death and being forgotten etc since i was like in fourth grade and this is @ing that phobia

like, with that julius ceasar thing. “O that that earth which kept the world in awe / should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw,” it’s so strange. like, every fucking human who has lived, whether they be emperors, murderers, inventors, peasants, or philanthropists- as long as they weren’t blind, they’ve all looked at the same sky. like. It doesnt matter what the fuck you did or didn’t. It’s wild.

“First Priest: No more be done: We should profane the service of the dead To sing a requiem and such rest to her As to peace-parted souls.” hey i get that there are cultural taboos around suicide but like this guy’s a dick it isnt even clear if it was suicide, like, she was so fucking crazy she might not have even known she was, y’know, in a lake or w/e

laertes, dude, my guy. maybe jumping into a grave is cosmic foreshadowing for something you don’t want to happen to you. js.

“HAMLET: [Advancing] What is he whose grief Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane. (Leaps into the grave)” hamlet is NOT one to be out-extra’d (posting-antares here to say, wait, ‘whose phrase of sorrow conjures the stars? is this my aesthetic-speeches-summon-ghosts theory? probably not, but i havent mentioned it for a while)

“LAERTES: The devil take thy soul! (Grappling with him)” IN A FUCKING GRAVE. THEY ARE FIGHTING. IN A GRAVE.

all because hamlet doesn’t want to be out-extra’d. my god.

“QUEEN GERTRUDE: This is mere madness: And thus awhile the fit will work on him; Anon, as patient as the female dove, When that her golden couplets are disclosed, His silence will sit drooping.” Ah yes gertie just talk about the distraught and angry madman as if he isn’t there. that’ll diffuse the situation.

You know what? We still haven’t discussed the pirates.

a5s2

“HAMLET: So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other; You do remember all the circumstance?” If this isn’t gonna be about the pirates im gonna. scream.

“HAMLET: My fears forgetting manners, to unseal Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,-- O royal knavery!--an exact command, Larded with many several sorts of reasons Importing Denmark's health and England's too, With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life, That, on the supervise, no leisure bated, No, not to stay the grinding of the axe, My head should be struck off.” god, though. imagine that. being exiled to another country by the person who killed your father, only to find out that they were going to have you killed, anyways. that’s fucking terrifying. jesus christ.

Damn this idea that pretty handwriting is ~beneath~ nobles confuses me so fucking much. I got called haughty once just because my main handwriting is cursive. I mean, they were right, but their evidence was circumstantial at best.

“HAMLET: That, on the view and knowing of these contents, Without debatement further, more or less, He should the bearers put to sudden death, Not shriving-time allow'd.” Hamlet’s Revenge. 

but also, what the fuck, dude. two wrongs dont make a right.

damn i kinda lost myself while reading but it really doesn’t sound like hamlet’s insane anymore. Like he’s… tempered himself. he doesn’t feel insane, just solemn.

“OSRIC: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark. HAMLET: I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?” goddamn ROAST HIM HAMLET (also what a fucking mood)

Osric put on your fucking ha--

The wind is

The wind is northerly

“HAMLET: No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is northerly.” I remember someone saying that this is important

Okay here: “HAMLET: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

oh no

Osric just wear ur fucking hat u doof

“OSRIC: Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as 'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,-- HAMLET: I beseech you, remember-- (HAMLET moves him to put on his hat)” excuse me a WAGER

but alas all hamlet cares about is osric’s fucking hat

“HAMLET: What's his weapon? OSRIC: Rapier and dagger. HAMLET: That's two of his weapons: but, well.” hamlet u sarcastic little shit i love you

I mean so is horatio. I love him too.

This stuff with the competition is. not gonna end well. not at well.

“HAMLET: I do not think so: since he went into France, I have been in continual practise: I shall win at the odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter.”

hamlet no. listen to your heart or whatever. jesus christ don’t do it.

“HORATIO: Nay, good my lord,--” HAMLET LISTEN TO HORATIO

Ohhh hamlet

okay reading what laertes said, you know what? i’m giving laertes one last chance. please do not prove me a fool, laertes. 

everything is giving me mad anxiety. e v e r y t h i n g.

claud’s speech is insanely sketchy

“KING CLAUDIUS: [Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.” One, so that’s why it was sketchy. Two, the POISONED CUP?

IT’S TOO LATE?

Gertie’s. Dead.

Shit, shit, shit

“LAERTES: [Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.” YES! SO PLEASE! STOP FIGHTING!

“LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES.” Oh no oh no oh jeez eheu they’re hurting each other, shit, fuck,

“LAERTES: ...woodcock…”

“KING CLAUDIUS: She swounds to see them bleed. QUEEN GERTRUDE: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. (Dies)” one, i love how claud is desperatley trying to stick to the plan, its almost adorable in a childish sort of way. two, oh god. ohhh god. gertie. 

Oh no. 

this is the bloodbath. THIS IS THE BLOODBATH.

BODY COUNT: 1

“HAMLET: The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work. (Stabs KING CLAUDIUS)” ...

BODY COUNT: 2

wait and hamlet’s on death row, as with laertes. Oh no.

“LAERTES: He is justly served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. (Dies)’ oh my god already??? I haven’t even really accepted king claud’s death?? jesus christ??

My friend just sorta nudged me and asked if i was alright and i. I’m not. i’m in shock. goddamn. what?

BODY COUNT: 3

goodness thats three in like less than thirty seconds JESUS CHRIST

“HAMLET: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.I am dead, Horatio.” that’s chilling. just, the poignancy. that’s so fucking spectral. i’m not okay.

“HORATIO: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left.” No no no on no nononon NO NO oh my god are you going to-

“HAMLET: As thou'rt a man, Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't. … If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart Absent thee from felicity awhile, And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, To tell my story.” hey i’m crying in study hall. i’m actually crying. what the fuck. I don’t cry unless i’m thinking about that one pair of 18th century shoes with the really good photo quality (transcribing-antares here. I fucking love those shoes. I’m looking at them right now and they’re so fucking beautiful. they look how velvet feels, which is odd, bc they're apparently silk. I don’t care they’re just so fucking lovely)

F O R T I N B R A S?

“HAMLET: O, I die, Horatio; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit.” I’ve identified my emotion. Dread. pure, unadulterated Dread.

for all of you that’ve listened to the penumbra podcast: do you remember the concierge, right before final resting place, saying “you do realize you can just like, leave, and everything will be hunky dory and you won’t have to deal with the emotional consequences this episode will bring you” because i’m seriously considering doing that right now.

“HAMLET: The rest is silence. (Dies)” shit. (posting-antares here to say that i forgot to do the body count but honestly im crying while formating because of this goddamn fucking 400 year old play)

“HORATIO: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince…” oh god. horatio.

“Good night sweet prince…”

(yet again tis transcribing-antares here to say that im fucking sobbing right now, the shoes are no match for this, and ‘goodnight sweet prince’ is actually never going to leave my head.) (editing-antares here to say im fucking crying again god fucking damn it) (posting-antares back again saying that this fucking line. this line. my god.)

“HORATIO: What is it ye would see? If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.” oh, horatio. god. that isn’t something said without tears staining your skin and a bitter tone hard-won, not that its possession is a victory.

oh my god. this can’t. no. this can’t end like this. What. no. people must have rioted. No. no!!

i typically hate it but i would GLADLY accept a deus ex machina right about now!!

okay my friend just took my phone away from me and shut it off because i kept on trying to scroll past the end

jesus christ

okay so i’m not going to be okay for like, several eternities, so im going to play the sims until i. until i die, probably. my god.

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I really don´t know how to start this, or it´s future implications, or if you still use Tumblr, or if you still remember me, or if you´´ll ever see this or if it´s going to be read by someone. But even if this go invisible for  centuries or forever I need to put this somewhere so I can be a bit more free and maybe one day you´ll read this  and finally you will know my feelings for you. (Sorry for the shity grammar and ortography or for mixing spanish words but im kinda lazy and this is really long, so ill just leave it as it its)

I was 13 years old the first time I saw you, it was the second day of school our professor came in when class had already started and in front of him there was a new student, it was indeed someone new. Since the first time I swa you, I knew you weren´t from here, you were so diffren to all of us. We were plain and common stupid suckers that only thought in when to lose virginity and to get waste for the first time in our lives; but you didn´t seem to be that kind of person. you seemed to be quite more deep. THe first time I talked you I thought you were really old and you fucking hated ll of us., it´s kinda of surprising  how close you came to be for me, after that first encounter. We eventually become friends, I don´t know how but it happened and actually you turned up to be really fucking cool I mean you were the shit. .You were like really something else, i mean your overall style, and you were a talented drawer (you are still ive seen some of your shit and tis really great). and yu were a cospayer. So in conclsuion we were lightyears from beenso cool like you... From that first year I don´t remeber to much, just htat you lost someon important in your life, and I still remeber how you didn´t go to school and the night that, with a friend, i went to see you. I kept talking to you during vacations and that made so happy because I fucked it up, but about that I will talkin other part of this text Oh, and I started to listen to bands like Asking Aleexandria and some metal shit that was reallly cool and thank you for  showing me those bands.. So vacations, ended January was realy cold, and for thee very firt time I started to use my hair long. Of course people laughed at me, it was really a messy hair but I kida liked... To this day my har is really important its like my force its on my hair, without my hari I wouldnt be the same. That year we started kind of apart till our firen, that in this text im going to call Jordan, was expelled from school and sso it was you and me. I know that we had other friends like the one that in here im going to call Alfonso, and many oters, but principally it was you and me. One day for some reasin our cases were changed and we had to move to ihter class that was bigger I think. And since i was lucky that Jordan expeleed (dont get me wrong, I mean, i felt bad for Jordan but deep inside of me, to have you for me in the class, was like winning an oscar, the lottery o winning nobel prize) So basically from march to october we sat next to each other, and that march was the beginning of one of the best time s of my life. I remeber how to see you in my left side, focused in whatever you were draing,, that year you started to draw with rapidografos, and actually your were improving, yowere going to more anime conventions, you were improving your cosplays to. That year I started to watch anime, just have some other things in common with you, porbably without ou I wpuld have never seen anime bugt bracause of you I did, and I lied to you saying tat I did watch anime since12 years old or something like that. So I talked to you about your drawings, or music, or anime, or movies, or conspiracy theories, or how you were dying because got varicela, about videogames, about life, about books, about your cosplas, about everthing, absolutely everinght. We laghed, we played with each.. there was a time actually that we played with water and we kinda of enede u wet, we play with our foot, with our hands ( you used to make the triforce symbol with your hands and was a fucking hell to me t do it) we aughed, with the we were becoming really close... You were becming my best friend... I reaally enjoyed to go to scholol beacuse you were going tp be by my side, the morning would end fast and will had the time of my life, and those years I felt really really fine. Prbably without you hat yer would be boring, and I dont knwow , maybe it would´ve been a more difficult year for me. I would got bullied or something like that. But nothing bad happened that year actuallly it was one of the best years. During that time w=you became really close to Dr. dooferschmitz(Im calling him like that, i hope you know who im talking about) and to Monica ( you know, the girl that was best friend of the Dr. dooferschmitz) so I kinda of felt apart, I mean were laughing and stuff but I started to feel afraid that I nothing for you and that eventually you would throw me away,( of course you didn´t do thatt, know its imposiible for me to think of you doing that) and I was afraid of losing you, and that added up with the many new emotiones that I had, my fear and so many other things, made me to epeat my mistake from thae year before, I started to treat you with coldnes, I ingnored you I treated you bad, and to this day I still regreat hat. You were the last persons that deserved that, and I took you apart from me and I don´t know, why I didn´t gave an effort to avoid to hurt you i just don´t know. I fucked it up again...But agin you kinda forgave me, and seriously thank seriously losing you and those moemnts would be a tragedy for e thank you for been so cool for being amazong an for  keep beign my friend. So we kept talikng and beign friends and things become brighter for me again, going to school was my favorite thing in the world this become colorful. You know they say that when youre in love things become colorful and I agree withem, beacause hen I remember those days thers like a feeling that make it so romantic, something in the sun or in the sky or in the color of the walls make those memories really special and beatiu,, even when i was dying of boredom in the church to think that that nex t day I would be talking shit with you made me feel excitedl. My love for you was growing more and more  You were there, you showed me cool music, I was hapy with that music, with the animes you recommended me , and basiclly with life itself. My happines had no end or I thought so. We came out of school , we kept talking almost everyday day as we did in the months before, we talked through skype, i remeber seeing you making some cosplays, you were wearing a dinasour pijama that to this day, I still love, you presented me thorugh skype to shini  and I remeber how it hurted o not talk you, it was a hell to be without you, it was kinda of infectious beacause I came to depend on you its never good in any kind of relation, but yet all that pain was healed when I talked to you again.. But we started to talk less, you moved to another school, I moved to other school, and even though we still talked every now and then, thngs were changingand I did notice that. Things we re becoming gray, life started to be boring, but yet, somehow, my love for you still kept growing, buut that year (2014) we talked almost nothing. There was a day that I saw you, it was tests-week so I came out early and I was going to see you, I remember how my legs were shaking and the hug i gave you when i wsaw you, i threw you my jacket and you thre w it backt to me and th then whe huged like for a minute repeating ecac other how much we mieed us. God, you were so beatiful that day, actually i havent talked about how beatiful you are, I mean you are funny intelligent, bright, clever, how you ended up beign in this shitty city? fuck, youre so beatiufl, I love your light lips, your tiny nose, youre honey eyes, your snowy skin, your voice, your laugh, Iwas stupid in porpuse just to make you laug and the to go to heaven for a few seconds by the power of your laugh. God I really thought you were perfect,its curious because, I knew that there were things i didnt liked from you but at the same time i liked the beacuase those things made youyou, and fuck you were so beatiful in all the posiible ways, metaphsiclly, physcilly you were jus beaitulf, and realy fucking loved you a lo a lo t lot, i dreamed of you, of holding your hand, of kissing you, of sharing life with you, whit brojke the atmosphere and went to the space, ravelled to far away galaxies and was loving you I was just happy and in love I didnt care about anything ese but you. I enojyed to se your face every morning, how you putted your legs on the desk, all your gesture, i loved  the time i holded a part of your body, i loved your smell that to this i havent forget , i remeber how the sun shined and crashed in your hair as in a trigo field. I was so lucky so so lucky, you made everything else beatiful, as if there was some kind of power inside you that transformed everythin around you, to thins day i think that you were a god, and or  wanted to experience human life and so came own to the mortal war and picked anyone to be around with and for destiny reasons i was one of those lyucky basards. You were so different from this shity world. One day you invited me to your house to watch jack frost ovies ( i dont remeber its name) and at some point of that day we were ion your rooftop sitting next to each other, weather, was fresh, sky was blue as an ocean sun was warm and soft, and you were beatiufll, and i felt love and calm, everything was balanced everything, was more than ok, everything.... Life can be cruel sometimes, I think that its part of what makes all of this beaiufl, its tragical factort.... life is like that... our perfect circle ( or at least mine) broke and the only thing that i could do was  accept it and move on, but i never did that, . wel till last year, 2016 was a good year for me and it mean an advance in my life. But every time I finally move on form you I crash with sometihing, I dont know what it its. Something ive been realizing is that I will never forget you, cause what you did in its sobig that i cant just ignore it, everywher i go i will see afraction of your beatiful eyes, every time I love there weill be a part of me, that eventually will thin of you. IYpu fell in love with new people, you trvelled, and I stayed here, and I decided that finaly have to let you go. even though the things you gave to me will always come with me , the beautiness you showe med will always lay in my heart as if its writeen in stone , those beatiful memories will always be inside of me. Enven if as i became older those meories start to blur I kow that in some part of me, those memories will be there, and so you will be. Actually my life  can be seen as a life  before and after you. Before I met you, I was sleepwalking, I woke up, ate my brakefast, came from school, doing nothing during afternoons, going to church in sundays, repeating everything that was told to me, the only human from tha pat me was my desperate effort to fit somewhwere, to be like tthe popular guys, I dressed like them, I tried to be like them bu the real me wasn´t even clse to be like that. The pepole that formed part part of my life was stupid, boring, plain and I hated them. And then theres you, you were a real human, you dressed as you wanted to dress, you llistened the music you wanted to, you didn´t care what the people said, you just were a strong powerful color in the middle of thiss that gray schooI remember how teachers wanted to make you pray, and tried to obligate you  to change yourself , cause they didn´accept anthing that was different to them, and you revealed to them, you sttod up with your beliefs withyourself and ddn´t leet them to denigrate you or to destroy you, you stood p and were yourself and that inspired me. Cause you know I´ve always een a lie, to this day my parents don´t know my sexuality nor that I´m agnostic, they think that Im still that christian boy who loves god and will marry when he graduates from university. Bu actually I´m not beacause you opened my mind, o talk with you, to hear you to see howyou was exciting refreshing, an experience itself it opened my mind, it showed me that theres was world outside waiting for me to l ived it, you showed me that I have a mind and a soul and that Im someone, and that Im a fucking person, that Im a fucking person dude, it ound strange but I didn´t kew that before I met you. You know what´s funny? Thath you weren´t noticing all this things you were transfroming in me, just by been yourself you blosoomed the best of me , Dude I loved you, i really fucking loved you whit all that I had, even if was young, stupid, preteantious I loved you. I loved you I fucking fucking loved you I fucking loveeed you sooo much , My only regret in this life is to be so coward to never took the courage to tell you this and love you even more. Dude thank you for been there when life was shity, thank you for been my best friend whe I was completely alone, thank you for all the fucking great bands that you sowed me, thank you for opening my mind and been one the most influencial things in my ife and to start this fire that become me in the person I am. I know im not perfect and Im not better than anyone, but just to imagine what kind of personI I would be if I would never met you, scares me, I was full of hate and anger while I sleeped and you woke me, you gave me the srenght to move on, you gave me love, lfe, empath, forgivness. Yeah, there were bad times, there were shity things, asi in everything in this world, but there was something inside of me where to hold on. You were my big bang, you gave me a breath of life and since that i been moving on. Thank you dude, seriously. But for now I have to defintily let you go. Ive been trying to move on from you but its kind of impossible if I dont release all my feelings in some way. So I have to let you go. I don´t know what life has for me or for you but I hope its the best for both, and I hoped that you find your way if you havent, I hope that you love someone with all your heart and that someone loves you with all its heart too and that you fly acroos the atmosphere and shine like stars through space and time even after you die... Your light will still shine in this world and in aliens world and the universe will receive that light with love. If you don´t know what to do in life, do as Boukowski said: Find something you love and let it kill you. You´re talentful and intelligent and I hope that you go far in this life. Please take care of you, of your mental health ofr your physical health please, love yoursefl. Dude, always always fucking remeber how beatiful you are, how amazing you are, anhow much love you can give to people. To this day you are one of the most amazing person  I met and  think you will always ben in my list of the coolest persons in the worldyou will always hvae a part of my heart, and wherever I go, whatever I do, I will have you somewhere inside of my heart, that part is forever yours. I loved you a lot a lot.  Im sorry for the shit i did to you, thank you for been an important parf of what saved my life.Thank you for beign yourself, for beign so real, for beign so brave, for beign  amazing. Thak you for beign my first love, I couldn´thave been anymore lucky... I have to let you go, and I have to move. Keep in mind that somwhere, someone will have a part of you inside of him. I hope you the best and I remebered you that i loved you with all my fucking, heart, soul mind, thoughts, with absolutly everything I had,... Dude, all my love and best wishes for you... Goodbye...

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 6]

Meant to get this done a while ago, but I’ve got a new job and it’s been keeping me busy. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter; it’s probably the most action-packed one yet. 

Content warnings for this chapter include more (attempted) rape, a consensual sex scene (not described), and some violence. And a hell of a lot of nonsense that may hurt your brain if you think about it too hard.

Recap: Tiaa competed in, and won, a school talent contest. Edward was very impressed with her, but Tiaa was still angry about him rejecting her advances back in chapter 4, so she yelled at him and then went and had a cry.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. 

Which probably means it will make no sense now, but we’ll see.

Chapter 6 - the curse

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white Your eyes like amber out of sight Pale angel in my eyes Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

That’s a hell of a poem, but maybe you should stick to prose.

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. 

Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. 

In my original version of the MST I made a comment here about Tiaa needing therapy and antipsychotics. I would have reproduced it as-is, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m making light of mental illness; that being said, as someone who goes to therapy and takes antipsychotics, this girl could use some professional medical attention. Like, pronto.

A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. 

It was… VLODEMORT AND DA DETH DEALERS!!11!1

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned 

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! 

That’s a real shocker after he just called her his daughter.

I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! 

Not positive why he’s screaming this part, but I’ll go with it.

Your in terror and peril my daugher! 

God I fucking love this author’s use of the English language.

Beware the vampire boy called edward!" 

"why?" I said

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! 

Uh… what? Lemme dissect this.

Tiaa’s dad is a vampire. Presumably her mom was not, though I get the feeling mom may not have been human either. Human/vampire hybrids are an established thing in the Twilight universe, and Tiaa clearly isn’t one (just for starters, she’s apparently been aging at a normal rate, as opposed to the highly accelerated pace at which human/vampire hybrids mature), so let’s assume her mom has some other supernatural shit going on. There’s a curse involved, so let’s say she’s a witch or similar. 

Why the hell would there be a curse on Tiaa that makes her turn (presumably irreversibly) into a vampire if she has sex with a vampire? Who caused this? What’s going on? Is it specifically Edward who’s dangerous to her, or would any other vampire pose the same threat? What is defined as “sex” here? Vaginal intercourse?

What a weird plot twist. Moving the hell on.

And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." 

Wait, safe from who? Why would being human make her safer? Would she be targeted specifically for being nonhuman if she were to become a vampire? Why?

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth

Geez, Uncle Larry, at least do something about the mold first.

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. 

Oh, okay, so we finally get a sense of how big and strong Uncle Larry is compared to Tiaa. Presumably Atlantiana “strong and graceful like the running anti-lopes” Rebekah Loren is faster than this guy, though. I feel like she might still be able to outmaneuver him.

He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. 

Where did the chains come from? Did Uncle Larry bring them with him or do Dave and Marie keep bondage equipment in the house?

I new he was going to rape me again. 

That’s an impressive deduction.

But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!

I was gonna make a totally different comment here but it actually just struck me (pun not intended) that this is the most in-character Edward has been yet. If you read Twilight, there’s actually a scene where he saves Bella from a group of guys attempting to corner and assault her. His mind-reading ability and stalker tendencies both come in handy here; it’s not a stretch to imagine he might be hanging about in the vicinity of Tiaa’s house, and he would be able to read Uncle Larry’s mind and know what Larry planned on doing to Tiaa. As ridiculous as him conveniently busting in at the nick of time might seem, it’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do.

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

Never mind, apparently he didn’t actually read Uncle Larry’s mind, or he would have known what the frightful asshole (great phrase) had been doing to Tiaa. So we’re back to the scene making no sense. 

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" 

Edward, man, you’re coming up on 100 years old. You’ve been going through the educational system over and over again for decades. Surely you’ve read some good poetry (by which I mean “surely you’ve read the one or two good poems to have been written in the history of poetry, one of which is definitely ‘The Emperor of Ice Cream’ by Wallace Stevens”) in your time on this earth.

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

"Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. 

Promised because he made a promise. Got it.

Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

That’s what happens when a Mary Sue shows up in your story! Canon characters start acting really weird to allow the Sue to fill a specific role that would otherwise not exist!

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.

I actually think one of the perks of dating a vampire would be being able to pick his brain about pop culture through the ages. Like, it’d be really cool to talk about hip youth culture with someone who has been masquerading as a hip young person for over fifty years; that’s gotta be a unique perspective. But what the hell are the odds of a teenager in the 2000s matching interests perfectly with someone who’s lived through the entire 20th century?

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say

…see, now that’s actually completely solid relationship advice.

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death! 

Uh, her depression (and/or manipulative tendencies?) isn’t his responsibility. On the other hand, though, this is in-character for Edward.

I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. 

I feel like Edward isn’t very good at judging when a girl is “nice and sweet.”

And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. 

This author’s frequent use of purple prose only makes it funnier when she describes something as minimally as this. “It broke.” Brilliant.

He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.

Yeah, could be why.

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore

Girl, you okay?

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. 

Did this boy just get a hard-on from punching a tree?

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. 

I am literally imploring you to use the word “penis” instead.

We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. 

These two have some impressive stamina considering it’s the first time for both of them. I mean, I guess Edward is a vampire, and Tiaa is... Tiaa, but still.

But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

Yeah, he’s like that.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! 

I’ll cut the guy some slack for being eternally seventeen years old, which probably doesn’t come with the best impulse control, but… they had sex for hours, and he only just now started to realize his mistake? 

I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. 

It’s not really shocking, honestly. The entire story has been about Edward’s inability to make up his goddamn mind over whether or not to leave Bella. I’d be angry too, because the constant waffling back and forth is pretty annoying, but… oh, hang on, that actually says she was socked, not shocked. Never mind.

But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! 

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to forget randomly blacking out and having a vision of your vampire dad. That’s the sort of thing that happens so often it’s hard to keep track.

My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood!

She’s turning into Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!”

Well, that’s some real authentic-sounding rapist dialogue.

Also, if you remember my comment from earlier about placing bets on which chapter Uncle Larry dies horribly in, and you bet on chapter 6, congrats! You don’t win anything. I’m out of confetti.

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! 

I don’t normally condone vampirism, but in this case — you go, girl! Give ‘em what for!

i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!

I woulda thought he’d have died once his neck was broken, but if she has enough technique to keep him alive to suffer even with a broken neck, more power to her.

Next chapter

All the ones you are willing to answer.

oh man here we go.

1:   Name

avery

2:   Age

17

3:   3 Fears

everyone hating me, closing my eyes in a group of people, eels

4:   3 things I love

dogs, theatre, lavender

5:   4 turns on

knowing that I’m turning somebody else on, neck kisses, sex voices (u know what i mean idk how to describe that), aaaand idk.6:   4 turns off

people being dumb, people being Problematic™, idk what else.

7:   My best friend

lol what?

8:   Sexual orientation

queer as heck.

9:   My best first date

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

10:   How tall am I

5′11″

11:   What do I miss

idk man…

12:   What time were I born

i were born at 2:11pm.

13:   Favorite color

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

14:   Do I have a crush

yes :)

15:   Favorite quote

“We must risk delight” -A Brief for the Defense by Jack Gilbert

16:   Favorite place

The bottom of the grand canyon.

17:   Favorite food

who knows

18:   Do I use sarcasm

who, me? hell no never.

19:   What am I listening to right now

my spanish teacher trying to keep a straight face while talking about promiscuity

20:   First thing I notice in new person

probably voice 

21:   Shoe size

womens 10.5, mens 9

22:   Eye color

hazel

23:   Hair color

blondish brownish

24:   Favorite style of clothing

um. comfortable and black?

25:   Ever done a prank call?

yeah in sixth grade.

27:   Meaning behind my URL

apparently it’s a euphemism for being on your period and i thought it was amazing.

28:   Favorite movie

idk!! currently probably moonlight.

29:   Favorite song

idk thats too hard

30:   Favorite band

see 29

31:   How I feel right now

kinda disappointed kinda stressed kinda happy

32:   Someone I love

my dogs

33:   My current relationship status

;)

34:   My relationship with my parents

pretty decent usually

35:   Favorite holiday

idk, halloween?

36:   Tattoos and piercing i have

ears, stick-n-poke of a triangle

37:   Tattoos and piercing i want

lots!!

38:   The reason I joined Tumblr

my ex told me to

39:   Do I and my last ex hate each other?

nah we’re friends!

40:   Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yes :)

41:   Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

it’s @thepinkat and nope

42:   When did I last hold hands?

I think i held @thee-apocalypto‘s hand after the show on sunday?

43:   How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

an hour if I’m being leisurely, 15 minutes if i overslept and I’m rushing

44:   Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?

hell nah

45:   Where am I right now?

spanish class

46:   If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

dunno

47:   Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

loud unless I’m trying to do something else at the same time

48:   Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yep

49:   Am I excited for anything?

I’m going on a college tour trip soon! and i have some packages arriving today so i can do more bookbinding

50:   Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

i don’t really tell everything to anyone.

51:   How often do I wear a fake smile?

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

52:   When was the last time I hugged someone?

yesterday

53:   What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

I’d probably be a lil iffy but not really care

54:   Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

nah

55:   What is something I disliked about today?

my social justice class was dumb and pointless and we just talked about catholic social teaching

56:   If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

57:   What do I think about most?

a certain person and also theatre and also all the shit i have to get done

58:   What’s my strangest talent?

i can whistle a tune through my nose but not my mouth

59:   Do I have any strange phobias?

i dont think so

60:   Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind!!

61:   What was the last lie I told?

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

62:   Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone! i dont want to see my face.

63:   Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

i dont think I’m in a position to say either one does or doesn’t exist

64:   Do I believe in magic?

sure. putting intention toward something can’t hurt.

65:   Do I believe in luck?

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

66:   What’s the weather like right now?

cloudy

67:   What was the last book I’ve read?

im re-reading game of thrones rn

68:   Do I like the smell of gasoline?

ew no.

69:   Do I have any nicknames?

my mom calls me Aves, @gayjokes has me in their phone as “the swaggle”

70:   What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

idk i got nerve damage in my shoulder when i was a kid

71:   Do I spend money or save it?

spend it

72:   Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

nope

73:   Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

nope

74:   Favorite animal?

idk!

75:   What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

listening to a podcast with my dog and trying to fall asleep

76:   What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

trump

77:   What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

theres a girl by the ditty bops

78:   How can you win my heart?

already answered

79:   What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

80:   What is my favorite word?

hmmmmmm idk rn im really liking eloquence

81:   My top 5 blogs on tumblr

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

82:   If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

shit i can’t think of this off the top of my head. but probably “please stop killing people”

83:   Do I have any relatives in jail?

i think so yeah but my mom doesn’t talk about him 

84:   I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

invisibility

85:   What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

answered

86:   What is my current desktop picture?

yosemite

87:   Had sex?

yup

88:   Bought condoms?

nope

89:   Gotten pregnant?

nope

90:   Failed a class?

nope

91:   Kissed a boy?

only in truth or dare in middle school

92:   Kissed a girl?

yep 

93:   Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yep

94:   Had job?

yep

95:   Left the house without my wallet?

yep

96:   Bullied someone on the internet?

nope

97:   Had sex in public?

nope

98:   Played on a sports team?

yep

99:   Smoked weed?

no comment

100:   Did drugs?

nope

101:   Smoked cigarettes?

nope

102:   Drank alcohol?

no comment

103:   Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

vegetarian

104:   Been overweight?

nope

105:   Been underweight?

slightly

106:   Been to a wedding?

yep

107:   Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

probably at some point

108:   Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

nope

109:   Been outside my home country?

yep

110:   Gotten my heart broken?

yep

111:   Been to a professional sports game?

yep

112:   Broken a bone?

nope

113:   Cut myself?

yep

114:   Been to prom?

nope

115:   Been in airplane?

yep

116:   Fly by helicopter?

nope

117:   What concerts have I been to?

paramore, metric, fall out boy, panic at the disco, MS MR, twenty one pilots, melissa ethridge (my middle school country phase lmao), death cab for cutie

118:   Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yep

119:   Learned another language?

yep

120:   Wore make up?

yep

121:   Lost my virginity before I was 18?

yep

122:   Had oral sex?

yep

123:   Dyed my hair?

yep

124:   Voted in a presidential election?

nope

125:   Rode in an ambulance?

yep

126:   Had a surgery?

do tonsils count

127:   Met someone famous?

nope

128:   Stalked someone on a social network?

yep

129:   Peed outside?

camping, yeah

130:   Been fishing?

when i was little

131:   Helped with charity?

yep

132:   Been rejected by a crush?

yep

133:   Broken a mirror?

nope

134:   What do I want for birthday?

well shit idk