what if i deleted this blog

i think a big part of the magic of speak now is that it's such a perfect coming of age album.

if fearless is an unabashed celebration of teenagehood, speak now perfectly encapsulates those first, tentative steps taken into adulthood and every complicated and messy feeling that comes along with it. fearless leaves us with the promise that things will change -- speak now says: now things are changing, and i don't know what to do about that.

it's an album that struggles with growing up, with becoming independent. the tension at the heart of speak now is between the reckless optimism of youth and the ruthless cynicism of adulthood, and the struggle to reconcile the two. how to grow up but still maintain your idealism. how to stay hopeful but still mature.

the album opens with all these fantasies: mine is a song about idealizing a future with someone that doesn't yet exist, back to december idealizes a past love that never got the chance to see the future, speak now fantasizes about breaking up a wedding for some idealized future. but almost every fantasy on speak now has a reality check that ruins it. "my mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea," is romantic in sparks fly, but turns into a regretful "i should've known" in dear john, and those same sparks, the ones that spun out a whole fantastical future in mine, turn into the bitterness of how "i used to think one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly." the fantasy of mean is that "someday i'll be living in a big old city" but the reality in never grow up is that "here i am in my new apartment in a big city, they just dropped me off. it's so much colder than i thought it would be."

the album is obsessed with the unexpected. "i never saw it coming, wouldn't have suspected it" on btr, "you and i walk a fragile line, [...] but i never thought i'd live to see it break" on haunted, "i never planned on you changing your mind" on last kiss. (which is one of the images we get over and over again on speak now: the parallel of changing minds and weather -- "minds change like the weather" in innocent, "you can plan for a change in weather and time, but i never planned on you changing your mind" in last kiss, "you paint me a blue sky then go back and turn it to rain, and i lived in your chess game but you changed the rules every day" in dear john, "i'd go back to december turn around and change my own mind" in back to december.)

because racing into things with that hopeful, idealistic optimism can only lead to surprise and heartbreak at how fast people can change their minds. it's why we get "i should've known" in dear john -- it's placing the blame on the self for being too optimistic, for not expecting the worst. the story of us breaks down all those fantasies from the early part of the album, telling us that the old optimism is gone: "i used to think" we'd tell the story of us, but i know better now. but still, we don't want to lose it completely. while we started out confident in the future in mine, enchanted is a song that *begs* us not to let the cynicism take over: "this night is sparkling, don't you let it go" and "please don't be in love with someone else" see the speaker almost desperate to hold on to the idea that a whole future could spring out of one moment, for a sign that the idealism of mine and sparks fly still exist. but all too quickly, we fall back into the pain of last kiss and haunted, we find ourselves once again reminiscing on when things were easier in innocent. growing up is hard; it's painful.

so it's beautiful that the album ends with long live: "hold on to spinning around, confetti falls to the ground, may these memories break our fall." we aren't fantasizing about our future in the big city, or racing into love without stopping to think about whether or not it's a bad idea. we're not begging a crush to hold on to the night we met, or promising an ex that we'd love them right if we could do it again. by the time we get to the end of speak now, we're looking backwards. instead of holding on to a yet unrealized future, we're holding on to the one thing we know to be true: our memories. the one future we're sure of this time? it's not love, it's not the big city, it's not even life. the one thing we're sure of is ourselves. that we will be remembered.

when the loneliness is all-encompassing and suffocating in its eternal weight 🤪

i think harry would be so obsessed with making you sleepy and doing things to make pleasant chills go up your spine he’ll call you over to lay on top of him and he says he just wants a cuddle, but before you know it he’s gently lifting your shirt up your back and brushing his fingers up and down and dragging his nails around, loving how you get goosebumps and squirm a little bit ultimately snuggle into him🥺

i think harry also wants to kiss your cheeks a lot of the time, and it’s so funny when he first starts doing it because he’ll say “baby come here” and when you come he kisses your cheeks and puts his arms around you, but then you ask what he needs and get so confused when he just says nothing, looking like this🥰 bc kissing you makes him feel very lovey🥰

also a concept i like for very new relationshiprry is where he’s been crushing on you for a little while, so naturally he has his eyes on you a lot and he always notices how you hug your friends, really hoping that one day that will be him🥺 and now you’re very recently boyfriend and girlfriend, and when he has the courage to ask you if it’s okay if he hugs you, he’s so excited when you say yes and feels even more🥺🥰🦋 when he feels how good of a hugger you are, and you both very quickly end up being snuggly to each other all the time because he’s a cuddler too🥺 like he’s the kind of guy who’s coming up to you to hug you just because he feels like it and you both love it

OHHHHHHHHHH MY GODDDDDDDDDD IM GONNA CRYYYYFBUFBHH ALL OF THIS HAS ME SPIRALINGGGGGGG OH MY GODDDDDDD

Shes spiralinggggggg (im she)

absolutely spiralinggggggg

you're laughing. "jenny" by studio killers is being spread around wildly on tik tok by children who don't even appreciate it with no attribution and you're l

.

No no no no no Fix yOu NO NO NO NO I’m spiralinggggggg

I need that slide into the desperate hug in HD

A

S

A

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impulse bought a scale because im spiralinggggggg

Bestie I am spiralinggggggg💖💕

can’t help but think harry lays on his couch with a big fluffy blanket binging random shows and watching youtube videos☹️ like does he have a personal youtube account where he subscribes to certain channels and likes the videos or does he just watch on guest 😞

UGH STOPPPPPPP PLEASE THINKING ABOUT THESE KIND OF DETAILS SENDS ME SPIRALINGGGGGGG