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#LIKE I FEEL SICK obv i have Issues w my dad but sometimes i feel so bad for him his dad passed away when he was 15
silouvertongues · 17 days
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gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous
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transrightsjimin · 4 years
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im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((
rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc
i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!
but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh
im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(
nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes
ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking
just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful
im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh
OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH
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Ranma 2/4
Yup... I’m doing it... yes this how I plan, shut up
Part One: Chapters 1-12
Genderfluid Ranma Saotome
Bisexual Akane Tendo
BAMF!Akane if it kills me
More modern America take on LGBTQIA+ themes
Bisexual Ryoga Hibiki
Fuck the Kunos
Full Series AU because I am a fool who doesn’t know restraint
Magic Rules are a thing
I am actually going to keep a consistent timeline if it kills me
I have a PLAN
Very Minor changes to the actual plot cuz economics
Bad Parenting is addressed
Harassment is Addressed
I will make them acknowledge Physics/Medical because I’m an asshole
Pulling from both the Anime and the Manga
Still working through the Manga as I plot
Friendly reminder that Genma is crap
Friendly reminder that Nodoka is crazy
Poor Mousse
Soun Tendo TRIES really hard but grief fucking sucks
Nabiki is morally grey
Toxic Shampoo
Kasumi gets Character Development or so help me
polyship cuz surprises
I promise I do love this anime
I’m just stunned that so many people didn’t get a lot of character development
Actual fucking ENDING
I do actually hate Shampoo tho
I watch dubs
Ranma slowly starts using they/them pronouns vs switching
Ranma wears a bra, fuck you
Yes I’m using 2020 LGBT stuff BUT I will keep the tech as close to the 90s as I can (tho fair warning I was BORN in the 90s)
Toxic Masculinity addressed (yes I mean Ranma’s)
Ranma is awkward as hell
bc that’s what happens when you isolate a child, Genma!
Also, they spent closer to 1-2 months in China bc of how many things happen while they’re there
Homophobic/Transphobic Language
Ranma uses Ranko WAY more often cuz it makes sense
Tatewaki is actually not as stupid as he is in canon, but he’s worse
Kodachi… on the other hand... IS stupid
Canon Heights are used (hence the “actual magic” tag, it’s how Kuno explains it and is still wrong)
Ranma is a shitty liar, and trusts his friends (kinda)
I’ve never like Shampoo, I don't hide that
While reading the manga I’ve realized how often Ranma wears a hat in the early chapters
I love it
Laws Exist
Rule Enforcement
Adults aren’t useless
Demiromantic Ranma
Ace/Demisexual Ranma (I haven’t decided yet)
Demiromantic Akane
Pansexual Ryoga
YES Akane is Bisexual AND Demiromantic. It’s a thing!
Genma is a sonnova bitch and piece o shit
Diasuke x Hiroshi
Sayuri x Yuka
Polyamory discussions
Hiroshi x Yuka
Protective Ranma
Protective Akane
Protective Ryoga
Tendos adopt Ryoga bc they care
Cologne sucks, I didn’t realize that was justified until now
Minor Anime over Manga Arc Choices
People aren’t oblivious those around Ranma a lot pick up on the transformation thing (eventually)
Ryoga’s crush on Akane turns into something normal, I may be ~Aro but even I know that’s bad
The “Akane Can’t Cook” Joke was funny once or twice; NOT the whole series Akane learns to cook
WAY fucking sooner than she did in the Anime
Look, I get the stereotype but it’s NOT funny!
Manga Chapt6Pt3 cover gave me too many ideas for what I want to do to Ryoga & IDK how I feel (Tiny pigtailed girl Ryoga is just too cute that I want to drop him the niángnìquán)
I will use Wiki-Mandarin-Spellings for Jusenkyo Springs cuz I don’t understand a lick of Chinese
Certain Arcs will be skipped entirely because I HATED THEM (any time they showed up)!
YEET Tea Ceremony Arc(s), mainly cuz an outsider I didn’t get it like I’m sure I was supposed to
If I could just kill Happosai I would, but I can’t
Expect him to be VERY dead/gone post-Canon
Fair warning tho cuz I hate him more than I hate Shampoo or Cologne
Shampoo still sucks
I wish the scene w Hiro/Dai was in the Anime cuz it’s hilarious
Ranma’s hat is back! I love it!
Is… is Ranma ADHD or is that me projecting again?
God, these two are hopeless dorks
Was someone going to TELL me that Ranma’s classmates figured out the transformation BEFORE the Romeo thing or was I just supposed to sit there stunned when it happened?!?
Goddammit, I hate Romeo and Julliet
I don’t mean the ep, I mean the play/movie/etc cuz my school years have done it 1.6 million times that I just can’t stand it anymore
Gosunkugi… wtf is wrong with you?
STILL hate this play
I’m American, ok
this has been shoved down my throat since I was 8 so It never occured to me that Ranma not knowing Romeo & Julliet at all wouldn’t be weird
Ranma learns his lines (kinda)
Kuno is 600% the reason they go off script
...And Gosunkugi being creepy af
TBH where they go off script (like Akane’s sleep scene) I’ll probs redo purely cuz I know this play
Still hate this play
Lol, tape ain’t a thing, that’s hilarious
Ranma kissing Kuno, yes
Akane kissing Ranma, NO
It’s called FAKING it
You either get over it or learn to fake it
Is it wrong that it’s tempting to get rid of P-chan in chapt8?
Don’t answer that… I know it is
Akane you need to learn to trust Ranma
Like seriously… that’s the 1 thing that drove me batty
100% going for the Anime version of the Japanese Speong of Drowned Man cuz it’s funnier
(I’m still tempted to change Ryoga)
Since the Cookie thing came before any comment about Akane’s cooking (Anime) I just figured Ranma was like me and can’t eat a ton of processed sugar (yes, make you that sick) so... HEADCANON!!
But Ranma’s still awkward af talking about it
Yup, subbing out Sasuke for Gosunkugi
Ranma not realizing his dad was committing crimes NEEDS to be handled better
I see angst potential
Ukyo is def still cis-fem, that point at least works
Ukyo’s dad is NOT in the clear here
Friendly reminder that Genma TOLD Mr. Kuonji that Ranma had a fiancée
Jealous Ranma’s fun
Ranma… just cuz you’ve 6.5k fiancé doesn’t mean everyone does
I’m just saying, Ryoga only falls for Ranma
Is Ranma wearing a binder while cursed bad? I honestly don’t know…
Poor Ranma, I’d DIE!
Obvs changing the rules of the pill from “first person of the opp sex”
I’m thinking “first person you’d be attracted to” cuz it’s nice and inclusive and won’t make someone fall for someone they wouldn’t normally
I’m just tryin’ to avoid some gayboy from fallin’ for a girl or some straight girl fallin’ for a girl
I mean Ranma’s still gonna Insta Cologne
Rule gets stricter the longer the pill lasts
also incest needs to be excluded
Look, I am NOT condoning Mousse’s obsession
but Shampoo still sucks
Is me making Tsubasa mtf bad?
Someone tell me cuz I’m not sure
I think I accidentally made Ukyo transphobic… oops
Redemption? Hopefully, idk yet
Do you realize how much anti LGBT shit I have to work through?!?
Tsubasa’s issue is 600% that she’s a lesbian so Ranma being a guy (even sometimes) weirds her out which for the record is FINE since they haven’t been dating at all & Ranma didn’t tell her!
The ½ white ½ brown dog IS actually Ryoga’s?!?
I didn’t know I needed this!
Also she’s staying!
Is Sasuke an Anime character?!?! Idk how I feel about this…
Ranma is a little shit & I love it
My idea may’ve been wrong (and Ranma!) but I love the idea had that I’m tempted do it anyway
Alright, Ranma is def going too far… even I can admit that
I’m quite sad this arc wasn’t animated
I don’t know which one I want! Kuno sick vs sneezing cat?
I can’t pick!
They’re both perfect!
Yup, Shampoo is evil
Akane… tone down the weapons kay?
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6ad6ro · 5 years
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um so… i woke up thinking of this old friend. she was like best friends w my bad ex? like i used to hang out w her like crazy. she was rly nice? mostly? tho she def had this issue where she didn’t rly know what she wanted in life. and let other ppls warped judgements of “how ppl should act” rub off on her.
like i remember times she would more or less call me a lazy piece of shit to my face. like it was somehow “understood”? but then i’d be like “why are u calling me that?” and she wouldn’t know. bc it wasn’t her actual opinion. she liked who i was. idk she was just rly confused. i think her brother was a cop. her dad was emotionally neglecting and like conservative or militant? i remember her always wanting to smoke pot but also saying “drugs are bad™”. she was someone who u could tell always wanted to be free but was held back by the opinions of the people around her.
especially her on again off again bf? i… didn’t like him. he wanted to grow up to be a politician. he only listened to classic rock. he looked and acted like a conservative wanabee eric foreman from that 70s show, but somehow even worse. he had her convinced that her dream was to be “a loving housewife”… it made me sick. i remember how he tried to convince her to stop hanging out w her best friend and me JUST bc she smoked pot. bc “she was an evil hippie and bad”. i mean tbh she SHOULD have stopped hanging out w my bad ex, but for completely dif reasons. like he was def that kinda guy. a selfish, immature, stubborn, self-righteous idiot. but he was the first guy to ever rly like her. and she had… self esteem issues. i remember how she would… was always waiting for him to decide to wanna go out w her. she seemed so lonely.
her and i were kinda friends separately from my bad ex (lets call her “A”). so one time i remember she ended up coming over to hang w me n watch rocky horror in my room? it was rly fun tbh!! we were having a great time! it was totally innocent! but i remember at one point she like… got weird. got up. and was like “im sorry i think i’m being a bad person i gotta go”. and left? i didn’t get it at the time? or rather… i think i denied it. she clearly liked me, wanted something to happen that night, and felt like a bad friend for having those thoughts. i never asked her about it but looking back it was p obvious. also A was a control freak n just a bad person… so i wouldn’t be surprised if she told L to stay away from me. even tho A was constantly cheating on me n using everyone around her etc. idk it was complicated.
i also remember another time before her and that guy that became her bf (lets call her “l” and him “m”)… i remember there was some small party at my house and for some horribly embarrassing reason my bad ex (we were still together then) convinced me to mess around w her under a blanket in same room as our other friends? we were all v v drunk. i guess it made others in room feel v lonely n so L and this other girl started like… both making out w the one other guy in the room? it was bizarre. that kind of stuff is fine in some circumstances? but this was rly unhealthy. i remember the guy felt bad and told the other girl he had to stop bc he had always rly liked L and wanted to see where things would go w her? other girl said she was fine w it (and knowing her persona it easily was?) and he ended up napping on floor w L. next day i think she woke up, completely regretted what happened, and ran back to M. it kinda sucked for guy bc he rly cared about her but she never even was willing to talk about what had happened. to her it was just a drunken mistake (i knew she kinda liked him back but obv she was scared).
even w all that stuff, L was a constant member of our hangout group for like… 7 or 8 years straight? idk! it was always rly fun w her! even if, looking back, A constantly was ruining all our fun w her insane bullshit. i have fond memories of 3am park hangouts n just roaming around talking n going on adventures… i’d never cheat on a partner. never have, never will. but i think i did have like… feelings for L that i always ignored? that part of her that… wanted freedom? from those weird family’s/bf’s/society’s ideals that she let chain her down? it was attractive. she was a nice person just doin her best.
anyways i remember around when A and i finally broke up for good (only a month after my dad died, if u wanna know how awful of a person A was). and she ended up taking me aside n warning me that A had been cheating on w me w another guy, but it’d gotten serious w him. and A of course was lying and stringing me along so she could get money n sex from me etc. A using me was p common. but L had had enough and “betrayed A” (did a v nice thing) and told me. i think that was… really what set in motion A and i being done for good. that helped wake me up about what a horrible person A was. and had always been. i’ll always be grateful to L for that. that must’ve been hard for her. and i think her and A’s like 10 year friendship died over that. which rly was a good thing like A was a terrible person.
anyways fast forward like 2? 3?? 4 years? L had gone off to a college out of state w her boyfriend M. she… followed him around. no judgement, but it prob wasn’t good for her. i was in an apartment in another city and me and A had been DONE™ for years. i was still def hurt from the 8+ years of abuse, but i was def over her at least. seeing other ppl regularly. it was def a weird time for me but… that’s another story.
L and i hadn’t rly talked in years. i just didn’t rly associate w ppl A still hung around. i never knew her and L had stopped being friends or i prob woulda kept up w L. i don’t think L and i cut off contact on purpose, but it was just one if those “things”. but L hit me up outta the blue. was like “ back in town do u wanna hang?” and we did! it was rly nice seeing her! we went out and about. idk. we started hanging for a bit. but she… idk she clearly rly enjoyed my company? but also… had those weird judgements. idk.
one time we were hanging and she was at my place and saw all the alcohol i had layin around and was like “hey uhhh can i have some?” and i was like “hehe okay i guess we can drink” and ordered a pizza and we just hung out.
idk but before we got drunk she finally told me why she was back. M, the guy she had followed to college, had done the gross, stereotypical dude thing of breaking up w her right after they both graduated. i got a vibe he had been cheating on her all throughout too. he rly was the type. and as we drank we talked about it. i felt so bad for her. she vented all night. and idk all i remember was we were both v drunk and i think i was… idk why my head was in her lap? but she was playing w my hair. and idk. we kissed. things happened. she seemed so happy w it! i was too. i even stupidly cracked a joke “i bet A would be rly pissed if she saw us rn” and we both laughed. i always regretted sayin it tho bc its not like i was doin it to get back at A.
but i remember we were in my bed making out bc i had accidentally gotten aggressive w her n slammed her into a wall n started kissing her? so hard her nose started bleeding? i felt awful but she LOOOVED it and idk we somehow wound up in bed. idk i kinda regret this. bc… i was having a hard time around then and… just sleeping w all my friends? it just became… clockwork. i would do what i thought my friends wanted me to do regardless of how i felt. i had become kinda a slut.
so i remember like… making out but then i started to escalate things? and i think fir a split second she sobered up and was like “wait lets cool this down a little”. and i was like “okay no prob” and we both tried to go for a walk n find a park? we walked hand in hand and she kept telling me how happy she was? like how… this was the kinda stuff M would never do with her? she was just smiling a lot. it was cute. but i was so drunk n still fairly new to area, so i took her in wrong direction from the park. we ended up giving up n just walking back.
we got back in and thats i think when she sobered up mostly but i wad still out of it? and she realised her dog hadn’t been fed. it was def a partial excuse but she rly loved that dog so i could tell it was REAL guilt. i felt bad bc i tried to take her hand n go back into my room bc i wanted her to stay n cuddle? i was just drunk. i wasn’t forceful, but i shoulda been like “oh that’s fine!” but tbh i was also a touch worried she was too drunk to drive. well anyways… she left.
later we did have a looong talk about it. like… she ended up going to try and get back with M again (i still will never know what she saw in him like he rly used her n treated her bad like even going so far as to ask her advice on dating other girls after they broke up). but idk i thought she was smart enough to end things w him, and could tell her and i had feelings, so i tried to stay a lil closer than friends? idk what i told her but it was along the lines of “we can stay friends but if things happen sometimes it’s okay w me”. i look back on it w embarrassment but i guess it wasn’t that bad a thing to say?
but rly it was mostly a drunken mistake. and she was scared. and wanted to cut it off. she couldn’t end things w M like she was still torally in love w him even tho he had abandoned her. tbh i know what that’s like. well anyways i remember a few hangouts later she just… bailed on me? in a rly mean way? i had gone to pick her up from her house (idk 30 min drive each way) and she just… totally stood me up. i was parked at her house like texting her wondering where she was? and she sent me a text like “sorry something came up”. and wouldn’t tell me what happened and i got annoyed and drove home.
i have a feeling now that like M had… shown back up in her life and she sorta… threw me away to run back to him? i mean i can’t take it too personally bc she woulda done that to ANYONE. i don’t remember what happened after that but we just stopped talking again. i saw later on fb that her and M had gotten engaged or married?? idek? idk if her and i are still fb friends or if one of us blocked the other or what? i don’t remember.
but idk. i hope she’s well. i hope M got WAYYY better. or she left him. or idk. i wouldn’t even know how to contact her. i’m almost afraid to. like bc i… could see her giving up on her dreams and just being that housewife to him. even if she was mildly content doing that, i know she’d never be happy. and it’s so unlikely that he’d have grown to be good to her. i just… hope she’s doing well and is okay and happy. idk why i woke up worrying about her. it’s been so long… i’m such a dif person now. idk. time is weird.
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gabsgibs · 6 years
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okay, so get this… I was in Newport the other weekend and ran into GABRIELLA GIBSON! They seriously look exactly like DOVE CAMERON, except a little less SELFISH and DESPERATE and a little more STRONG WILLED and CREATIVE. It makes sense why everyone calls her THE SYCOPHANT.
hey guys, i’m leigh and wowow i am SO excited for this group ?? first of all, i love gossip girl ( and confession time: i havent finished the oc yet, i’ve been watching it on and off for like 2 years now tho ) but jenny humphrey is the absolute love of my life ( her haters can fight me ) so i HAD to play the sycophant. but ok some things about gabby
so her dad is still a washed up rockstar from the 90s (but late 90s instead of early 90s) and her mom left them the summer before jenny started high school,, but unlike in the show,, gabby never went to live with her. it’s kinda like she might see her once or twice a year around the holidays,, but that’s about it
bc of this,, she does have some unaddressed abandonment issues
and the fact that she’s been rejected time and time again while trying to fit in has kinda only made them worse
which is why she basically gave up on all of that,, she was like it’s just not working i try and try and every time my life gets totally ruined
so gabby found another group to hang out with in hopes she’d finally fit in and that’s how she’s gotten started with dealing
bc it’s kinda like this is not good,, but at least im accepted here ?? 
tho she lowkey would still love to be accepted by everyone else,, she tries to play it off like she doesn’t care anymore,, but if they gave her the opportunity,, she’d be back in the fight for the crown
okok so she’s also still v v into fashion, but it’s kinda taking a back burner in her life right now ?? like that was kinda part of her downfall,, so even tho she still designs,, it’s not as much as she used to
plus one of the reasons she got into design to begin w was to make clothes that she thought would help her fit in
and now even tho her fam still doesn’t have as much as most others in newport, she makes good money by dealing and is able to afford more designer stuff than before ( tho she’s obvs still defs not anywhere close to being where everyone else is,, she’s just better at faking it now )
she’s pretty insecure,, but she masks it with overconfidence and acting like she doesn’t care,, bc caring is what got her into all of her messes so now she’s just like lol idc ( but she does shh ) 
she also has a problem with feeling unsupported ?? like her brother and dad just brush off her issues or her dad usually grounds her ( that’s another thing,, she’s basically never not grounded ?? then she sneaks out and get grounded for even longer ?? ) and she doesnt have her mom to run to to talk and try to work through her problems
so she just kinda has to deal with them the best that she can ?? which is not v good at alll
and since everything happened last year with thomas ?? wow she’s gotten so much worse
she feels so much guilt about what happened since it was her argument with her brother that caused him to get hit,, and she replays his death in her head a lot
and that’s another reason she’s really gotten even more into dealing is bc it takes her mind off of things ?? plus sometimes she’s able to sneak some pills to help her stay up at night,, bc every time she falls asleep,, she has nightmares about the incident,, it makes her feel sick to her stomach
okok i think that’s the important stuff. so like this or message me to plot ?? or expand on preexisting plots
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