#Kinda want to get my ears repierced sometime though
Note
i’m gonna be a massive dick and ask: 1-100
HAHAHAH alright well here we go then. Also thank you from saving me from the world’s most boring lecture rn.
Everything will be under a read more inorder to save people’s dash but feel free to learn more about me haha.
1. The meaning behind my url:
I feel like its kinda self explanatory. I made this back when I was a giant 5sos fan and I’m too lazy to change it and idk what I would change it to if I did. I might soon though.
2. A picture of me:
3. How many tattoos i have and what they are:
I have 1 tattoo currently and it’s a pinky promise. I got it with a former friend. I have a couple more planned I just need money for them.
4. Last time i cried and why:
Like 2 weeks ago because I miss social interaction.
5. Piercings i have:
I have my ears pierced but never wear earrings, I have another set of piercings and I used to have my nose pierced but it got ripped out at work one day. Do not reccommend it hurt like a bitch.
6. Favorite band:
Not a band per say but I’ve really been into Tones and I lately, specifically never felt the rain.
7. Biggest turn offs:
Definitely not being motivated. I am very driven and like for sure have goals that I am working towards and want to achieve and when someone just has no goals (even small ones) makes me feel like I’m dragging them along and acting as their mother almost. Also people who can’t keep a conversation, like I’m not really one for small talk like I’d rather talk about the mysteries of the universe you know.
8. Top 5 (insert subject):
You didn’t provide a subject so I’m just gonna say songs:
Never felt the rain - Tones and I
Is everybody going crazy? - Nothing but thieves
Complainer - Cold War Kids
Trampoline - Shaed
Don’t stop me now - Queen (permanently in top 5)
9. Tattoos i want:
I have several lined up. My next is going to be a crow with some minimalist geometric lining in the back and some hydrangeas and delphiniums around it on my forearm. Next I’m going to get a small snapdragon along the outside of my forearm. Then I want to get my thigh pieces done one will be a watercolor tree and the other will be watercolor mountains and it’ll have some quotes underneath them.
10. Biggest turn ons:
I like assertive people who aren’t dickheads.
11. Age:
22
12. Ideas of a perfect date:
I’m super easy to please so pretty much any place where we can actually do something because i find that that helps break through the awkwardness of dates.
13. Life goal:
To buy my mom a house and live close to my family
14. Piercings i want:
My nose repierced, maybe like a double nose piercing idk yet.
15. Relationship status:
Happily single
16. Favorite movie:
Grave of Fireflies
17. A fact about my life:
hmmm I have like 7 siblings.
18. Phobia:
Bugs and spiders, the idea of the feeling of them walking on me freaks me out.
19. Middle name:
McKenna
20. Height:
5′4″
21. Are you a virgin?
Nope
22. What’s your shoe size?
women’s 8, men’s 6
23. What’s your sexual orientation?
Tbh still figuring that out but pansexual
24. Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?
I drink occasionally but not very often
25. Someone you miss:
my awesome coworkers rn
26. What’s one thing you regret?
Not taking time to focus on myself earlier than I did
27. First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:
Kate McKinnon
28. Favorite ice cream?
Cheesecake or honeycomb toffee
29. One insecurity:
My body shape/size
30. What my last text message says:
“Most likely yes. I know Steven was walking his dog through the park by himself and a cop was giving him shit for it”
31. Have you ever taken a picture naked?
Ooof yeah
32. Have you ever painted your room?
Yeah my childhood room at both parents house and then i had to change rooms immediately after at one and the eother moved houses.
33. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?
Yup!
34. Have you ever slept naked?
Not fully i don’t think
35. Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?
Of course!
36. Have you ever had a crush?
hahaha unfortunately yeah
37. Have you ever been dumped?
Yeah pretty even with the dumped/dumping ratio
38. Have you ever stole money from a friend?
No, if anything i give my friends all my money if they need it
39. Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?
Like only people I just me? No. With people that I also know? yeah
40. Have you ever been in a fist fight?
Nah never gotten to that point
41. Have you ever snuck out of your house?
No but I have lied about where I’m going/doing.
42. Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
Ooof yeah I have
43. Have you ever been arrested?
Nope and I’m trying to keep it that way
44. Have you ever made out with a stranger?
Yeah, it wasn’t very good though
45. Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?
Yeah for like dates or hangouts
46. Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?
Yeah, it didn’t go over too well but it was several years ago
47. Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?
Nah all of my neighbors have been way younger than me or like 70
48. Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?
Yeah I do it with college all the time haha
49. Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?
Yeah mostly platonically though
50. Have you ever seen someone die?
No and I’m glad that I haven’t
51. Have you ever been on a plane?
Yeah a ton actually
52. Have you ever kissed a picture?
I’m sure I have in my cringey teenage phase.
53. Have you ever slept in until 3?
Not quite that late as I’m a relatively early riser, the lastest I’ve slept in is like 1
54. Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?
I’ve loved people yeah but I don’t miss anyone in that way rn. Like every relationship has ended for a reason.
55. Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
Yeah it’s a really relaxing thing to do
56. Have you ever made a snow angel?
Yeah but not a huge fan of it cuz i don’t like the cold
57. Have you ever played dress up?
Yeah I’m pretty sure most young girls do
58. Have you ever cheated while playing a game?
Yeah I’m sure I have
59. Have you ever been lonely?
Yeah but I like to try to move past it and not fixate on it, easier said than done though.
60. Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?
Yeah I was super sick at school one day and fell asleep from all the medicine I had to take
61. Have you ever been to a club?
Nah I’m more of a bar person if I’m gonna go out with people
62. Have you ever felt an earthquake?
Yeah a couple since living in California
63. Have you ever touched a snake?
Yeah my brother used to own one
64. Have you ever ran a red light?
Yeah on accident, I was driving home from a really late night at work and was kinda zoned out so I didn’t even realize it was red. Luckily it was a super small street and it was late enough no one was on the roads.
65. Have you ever been suspended from school?
Nope I’m a good girl.
66. Have you ever had detention?
Yeah I was late too many times for a class
67. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yeah I rear ended someone on my way to a new job like a couple days after getting my new car
68. Have you ever hated the way you look?
Yes I am not happy with the way I look right now but I’m working on accepting my body and chaning the things that I can
69. Have you ever witnessed a crime?
I don’t believe so.
70. Have you ever pole danced?
No but I’d love to learn sometime.
71. Have you ever been lost?
Definitely, I’m not the greatest with directions
72. Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?
Yup I used to live in michigan and now I live in Cali
73. Have you ever felt like dying?
Unfortunately yeah
74. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Also yes unfortunately
75. Have you ever sang karaoke?
Yeah I love it
76. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Yeah but it didn’t turn out to be that bad
77. Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
I don’t think so but maybe
78. Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?
No but I have dated someone who was 5 years older than me
79. Have you ever kissed in the rain?
No but I’d love to given the opportunity
80. Have you ever sang in the shower?
All the time
81. Have you ever made out in a park?
No, no one ever wants to go with me
82. Have you ever dream that you married someone?
Yeah but I couldn’t see who it was
83. Have you ever glued your hand to something?
Not my whole hand but definitely a finger
84. Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?
No haha those are too dirty
85. Have you ever gone to school partially naked?
Not completely, but there was a time where I was so tired i forgot to put a shirt on under my zip up hoodie and didn’t realize until i went to take it off.
86. Have you ever been a cheerleader?
No but I was a dancer
87. Have you ever sat on a roof top?
No but I want to at somepoint
88. Have you ever brushed your teeth?
Yeah gotta be hygenic
89. Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
All the time, I don’t do scary movies
90. Have you ever played chicken?
Yeah a couple of times
91. Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
I don’t think so but I wouldn’t put it past my brothers
92. Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?
I’ve had people hit on me at work
93. Have you ever broken a bone?
Yup my right wrist when I was 3.
94. Have you ever been easily amused?
Yeah I’m sure I have
95. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
Yeah a couple of times
96. Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?
No not that confident haha
97. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Yeah a couple
98. Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?
All the time, it takes a couple of interactions for it to really stick
99. Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?
Yeah but always when I’ve had surface level interactions
100. Give us one thing about you that no one knows.
Hmmmm. I’m a hopeless romantic but don’t like to show it.
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i’m in a mood and i’m bored please ignore
1: Name
elyse
2: Age
20
3: 3 Fears
settling for less than i deserve or for something i don’t want just because happiness seems too hard or would hurt someone, the ocean, scorpions
4: 3 things I love
making people laugh, holding hands w my girlfriend and walking past another gay couple or someone in a LGBTQ+ related shirt n smilin at each other, when dogs have the lil tiny stump tails and they wag em so fast, when candles smell like christmas
5: 4 turns on
freckles, ambition/drive/passion for something, humility, uhhh also eye contact during sex can also be super hot
6: 4 turns off
apathy, moodiness, arrogance, people who are extremely loud all the time
7: My best friend
i have two and they’re great!! one leaves for japan in two days though and she’ll be gone for a month so that highkey sucks for me but she’s gonna have a blast. n my other best friend is so good to me she always takes care of me n listens to me and the other day she bought me alcohol so that was nice
8: Sexual orientation
bisexual but maybe just gay? idk i would date a boy but prolly wouldn’t fuck a boy ya know but i’d do both with a girl so who knows
9: My best date
this question originally said “my best first date” but most of em have been goin to movies and so i changed it bc my best date just in general was probably when my gf and i went and ate at our favorite place to eat n then we banged in her car in a department store parking lot and then afterwards she was like “wait nobody’s at my house i’m sneakin u over” bc her mom can be a lil weird about me going to her house so i never really do and i had never seen her room so she snuck me over to her house n we cuddled on her bed n she showed me this shoebox she has in her room with every tiny lil gift i’d ever given her in it and it made me cry a little. another nice date was when it was flooding at our university and so they canceled classes and we went to walgreens and bought shirts bc ours were soaked from the rain and i bought socks bc my socks got Wet bc i stepped in a puddle and we just stayed in my car and ate candy in our comfy clothes waitin for the rain to let up and yeah TMI ahead but basically she ended up eating me out for the first time so that was nice lol
10: How tall am I
5′7
11: What do I miss
i dunno i already miss my best friend Kate even tho she doesn’t leave for Japan until Wednesday morning. also i kinda miss how things were before this year bc my life was less chaotic and stressful and sad last year and now i’m in a rut a lil bit
12: What time was I born
uhh 11:30 somethin AM
13: Favorite color
i like cerulean which is sorta like a teal blue and then yellow and then brown and then dark green
14: Do I have a crush
ya i have a gf
15: Favorite quote
“if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely”
16: Favorite place
i like to be in my bedroom a lot but there’s also this roof i go to with friends a lot that’s really nice at night and i have so many memories there. it’s a really happy place for me
17: Favorite food
i like japanese food but not the seafood kind
18: Do I use sarcasm
no never
19: What am I listening to right now
praying // kesha
20: First thing I notice in new person
i guess just their general vibe
22: Eye color
very green but they were blue for a good half of my life which is kinda weird bc they’re so green now lmao
23: Hair color
red lmao
24: Favorite style of clothing
idk i go through a million styles in a week but my fave is just a cute oversized shirt n leggings bc it’s comfy and effortless
25: Ever done a prank call?
oh yeah i used to do a ton, i even used to have a character that i’d prank call people with actually. her name was Sonya and she sold breast enhancement cream
27: Meaning behind my URL
that’s actually a secret lmao
28: Favorite movie
the secret life of walter mitty
29: Favorite song
uhh idk but lately i’ve loved do re mi by blackbear
30: Favorite band
twenty one pilots (can i make it any more obvious that i hate myself), two door cinema club, of monsters and men, the 1975, the wonder years
31: How I feel right now
generally okay?? today was a nice day but i’ve felt sorta sick all day and i haven’t been sleeping enough so that’s making me a big ol emotional baby so i feel like i could have a breakdown at any given minute but for the most part i am good tonight
32: Someone I love
my girlfriend
33: My current relationship status
taken
34: My relationship with my parents
oh i love em to death but sometimes they’re difficult n the two of em weren’t meant to be together honestly so i think they’d be better off n a lot less stressful to be around if they divorced but it’s okay maybe they will work it out
35: Favorite holiday
christmas eve. it’s so much better than christmas day!!!!
36:Tattoos and piercing i have
i have a sun and moon tattoo on each wrist and the word “lovely” on my left bicep and i’m gonna get more but that’s all for now. n i have three piercings, one on one ear and two on the other. i was supposed to have two on both ears but one got infected and i didn’t know what to do so i took the piercing out and it fucked it up and it closed up so i gotta go get it repierced someday but that’s annoying so i just haven’t bothered yet
37: Tattoos and piercing i want
don’t want anymore piercings after i get that one redone tbh. but i want a pine tree tattoo i think on my ankle and a equals sign tattoo but idk where yet and lil mountains on my shoulders, also a sunflower maybe ??? i’m still tryna figure our which one i wanna get next and where. i also have been thinkin about maaaaaaybe getting the female symbol on my middle finger but idk if i want a hand tattoo ya know
38: The reason I joined Tumblr
i really liked this youtuber charlieissocoollike and he did a video about tumblr so i was like ok cool and made one but then i didn’t understand it and never used it and then caitlin one day was talking about tumblr with our friends oliver and jennica and i was like dang i wanna be cool like them so i started using it again and i found their blogs and stalked em for a while
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?
not hate but i’d never speak to him again. doubt he hates me tho
40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
yeah from my gf
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
yes
42: When did I last hold hands?
today
43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
if i’m trying to look nice 45 mins-1 hour and if i’m not trying to look nice like 20-30 mins
44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?
no but i need to lmao they a lil prickly
45: Where am I right now?
my bed and i am so happy to be here
46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
my gf would be there 100%, if not her then i’d say my friend Stein but she’d prolly be more fucked up honestly. my friend Kate would be there too
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
louuuuuud unless i’m in a weird sad mood then i like it real soft
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
yeah but hopefully i’ll get my fucking act together and move out within a year but i’m still kinda figuring everything out for the time being
49: Am I excited for anything?
idk honestly i have nothing to look forward to coming up anytime soon so that sucks a lot. probably my best friend’s 21st which i think is in a few weeks?? and this music fest a good friend and i are going to at the end of this month
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
yeah my good pal Joe and also my brother and my friend Brendon too but him and i haven’t talked in a while so :/
51: How often do I wear a fake smile?
this is emo as shit
52: When was the last time I hugged someone?
today i hugged like four people!!!
53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
i’d be so upset and i’d break up with her and be miserable for a long while after that
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
yeah there’s one
55: What is something I disliked about today?
uhh probably that i was feelin sick and on edge just generally all day. bc it was really puttin a damper on my mood
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
i’d really love to meet Ellen Degeneres
57: What do I think about most?
prolly about how i am a useless dum dum and not to sound edgggyy but i question like....... my purpose too often lately
58: What’s my strangest talent?
talent? i don’t know her
59: Do I have any strange phobias?
i’m terrified of being vomited on. not vomit in general necessarily but it getting on me is one of the most disgusting things to me lol
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
lil bit of both but i’m better at the behind the camera stuff
61: What was the last lie I told?
told my grandma i was single bc i don’t wanna tell her i am gay n have a girlfriend even though she’d forget in like two minutes lol
62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
video chatting but i’m not a big fan of either
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
yes and yes!!!!!!!!!
64: Do I believe in magic?
no
65: Do I believe in luck?
sure
66: What’s the weather like right now?
2 hot
67: What was the last book I’ve read?
milk and honey by rupi kaur
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?
tbh i love it
69: Do I have any nicknames?
elly, gaylord, dad, that one ginger
70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
probably the one time i fell off my razor scooter while goin speedy down a hill and tryna show off and got scars all over my body
71: Do I spend money or save it?
been tryna save but put me in an h&m or a forever 21 or a thrift shop and it’s all gone. i love clothes that are inexpensive
72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
no
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?
yeah i have an empty victoria’s secret bag on my desk
74: Favorite animal?
i like bunnies and grizzly bears
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
talking to my gf and crying probably lol it was a rough night
76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
oooooo i could make a petty joke here but i won’t
77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
greek tragedy // the wombats
78: How can you win my heart?
make time for me and show me i’m important to you
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
“u know she dead”
80: What is my favorite word?
serendipity
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
i’d probably just start crying and everyone would stop listening
83: Do I have any relatives in jail?
yeah one of my cousins murdered someone lol i am pretty sure he’s in jail but i don’t know anything about him or if he’s even still alive honestly
85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
idk i’m pretty open
86: What is my current desktop picture?
some mountains lol it’s one of the Apple preset ones
87: Had sex?
yeah
88: Bought condoms?
yeah
89: Gotten pregnant?
no
90: Failed a class?
nearly but no
91:Kissed a boy?
nah i’ve never wanted to really
92: Kissed a girl?
yeah
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
yeah
94: Had job?
yep i work at a froyo shop
95: Left the house without my wallet?
yeah
96: Bullied someone on the internet?
probably at some point when i was young but not anytime recently
97: Had sex in public?
yeah lol
98: Played on a sports team?
i was on a soccer team for a while as a kid and i hated it
99: Smoked weed?
not yet but i’d like to try it at least one time someday
100: Did drugs?
no and i am not interested in trying any other drugs besides weed
101: Smoked cigarettes?
no
102: Drank alcohol?
yes
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
nah
104: Been overweight?
no
105:Been underweight?
for most of my life i have been lol and i finally got to a healthy weight and now i’m back to being underweight
106: Been to a wedding?
yeah a few
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
yeah
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
yeah but not any time recently bc i don’t have the motivation/attention span to sit through a movie or TV show anymore
109: Been outside my home country?
no but i’d really like to
110: Gotten my heart broken?
yeah
111: Been to a professional sports game?
no and i was invited to one recently but i had work :(
112: Broken a bone?
no
113: Cut myself?
yeah
114: Been to prom?
yeah
115: Been in airplane?
yeah
116: Fly by helicopter?
no but i’d really like to
117: What concerts have I been to?
soooo many. i’ll try and name em. trans siberian orchestra, panic! at the disco, imagine dragons, twenty one pilots, two door cinema club, the weeknd, melanie martinez, catfish and the bottlemen, halsey, of monsters and men, walk the moon, eric clapton, paul mccartney, glass animals, a$ap rocky, drake, the chainsmokers, foo fighters, vance joy, the strumbellas, the front bottoms, kendrick lamar, the wombats, AWOLNATION, ben rector, we the kings, the ready set, the summer set ??? i think there’s some i’m forgetting but that’s most of em. i go to so many. i am also seeing saint motel, cage the elephant, weezer, passion pit, mac miller and MGMT this summer!!
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
yaaaaa most of my crushes have been n i’m datin a girl so
119: Learned another language?
i took four years of spanish and i’m taking another spanish class in the fall!! i was always real good at it
120: Wore make up?
yeah
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?
no i lost it when i was 19
122: Had oral sex?
yeah
123: Dyed my hair?
nah it’s naturally red and pretty and i don’t really wanna ever dye it. i’m probably gonna dye my eyebrows tho they’re too light and i’m tired of always fillin them in
124: Voted in a presidential election?
yes this last one which was exciting until hilary lost
125: Rode in a police car?
yes
126: Had a surgery?
no
127: Met someone famous?
yes
128: Stalked someone on a social network?
not like legitimately but yeah i’ve gone through someone’s page out of curiosity before
129: Peed outside?
yeah
130: Been fishing?
yeah it’s sorta boring imo though
131: Helped with charity?
yeah i helped my mom with this organization she was a part of where homeless people could come and paint and make art and i helped her at a few of their shows. it is one of my favorite organizations and i met some really beautiful people there
132: Been rejected by a crush?
yeah he liked me too but he was figuring things out and later that year came out to me as gay and then like two years later i realized i’m kinda super gay too so it all worked out in the end
133: Broken a mirror?
no
134: What do I want for birthday?
to be with people i love
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Autonomy
I was really in a mood and needed to get this out so it would stop scratching my brain raw. I have final papers to write.
My hair is really short now. I cropped it almost to the scalp two or so months ago. It was good to make my head my own. The voice inside it didn’t sound so much like you after. Remember the first time I dyed my hair blue? I did it to make you angry. I wanted you to hurt me. It’s easier to understand when I deserve it. The second and third time I did it was to drive you out of my head. The third time stuck until I realized I hated it and the dye job was so bad and I buzzed it all off. The clippers sounded like you laughing in the way you did between hurling insults at me when I made a childish mistake. My hair is the color of peach Fanta now and I don’t feel anything anymore except apprehension. I want my ears repierced over the summer. And I’ll add an industrial while I’m at it. For a while, if I keep pressing at it, the pain might be enough to stop me from looking for trouble in alleyways and outside bars with cigarettes in one pocket and my knife in the other in case shit gets out of control (though it kinda already is I guess).
I ask my friends why they hugged me today. I ask them every time, or I try to discern the answer in my head. I am getting better at not flinching away when they lift a hand to pat my head or scritch my scalp. I don’t want to talk about them anymore. They are good and you have taken enough good things from me.
The guy I fucked in the backseat of his car when I was too young to be wandering about at 2am was another ‘fuck you’ that cost me, too. I was mad at myself about it for a while. It got easier not to care when you left me alone and the world taught me that my body was commodity enough to trade for scraps that would keep me alive. I fucking hate sex now, and everything to do with it. I hate that it feels good in the moment and then I feel filthy afterward. I hate that if I want to get myself off I have to swallow the fucking nausea and disgust at myself. I hate that sex, not even making love, but sex, is something that leaves you so vulnerable. I didn’t know enough to keep them from stealing pieces of me away. I did not know how to stop myself from creating intimacy with people who didn’t care. You never gave me the chance to learn. Your hands were as greedy as theirs and I know you feel about as much shame as well.
I was friends with the guy that raped me (though he’s only one of many if you count the grown men whose hands spanned my underage body as they slavered over what they knew was a kid). His name was Chris. I met him the same way I met all the other men who stole what little childhood you left in my eyes. But he was sweet to me. We chatted and laughed and I invited him naively to hang out at the house. I had been so lonely. I wanted someone to be nonsense with, someone who was interested and would partake in the things that interested me. I said he would help with homework and you said no boys upstairs. That was my fault. I had intended to take him up there to give him a look at my room, and then play Xbox in the loft. He laid me in my bed and drew sounds out of me I didn’t know I could make. You had thrown out my condoms after the last time I had been hospitalized and he only had one. I was scared but vindicated when you found the Plan B wrapper under my bed while snooping. Did you know then how I had learned not to trust you? I hope it hurt. Because it still hurts me that I invited him over again, thinking him my friend. It still hurts that I was scared from last time, deeply shaken at how close I’d flown to the sun, but he wouldn’t relent. It still hurts that the night before I was frightened enough to talk to someone online about the boundaries being crossed but never once considered asking for your help. It still hurts how I tried to put on children’s cartoons, to nap, even to squirm away, but he prodded until he was able to pull that reluctant ‘yes’ from my throat and I let him have me twice, pretended to us both that I wanted it from start to finish, because it was easier to shame myself for being promiscuous than confront the reality of coerced consent. It took me years to call that incident by its name. I’m still not so sure sometimes.
I am 3,000 miles away from you and it and all of them. And yet everything is right here with me. I have taken my body away from all of you. I am still struggling to regain my mind.
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