#If I'm in control of it. I love my hyperfocus. I love my bouncing around chaotically. I love being impulsively spontaneous
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Vyvanse is such a silly little drug. I get up at 11, take it at noon, what's a normal sleep phase I don't know her.
The first hour passes and I'm like "dude nothings happening except me getting sweaty and my heart's going a bit faster" and then I blink and it's another 2 hours later and I've just blitzed doing every chore available to me, organized all my shit for the day, read through 500 tumblr posts, watched some random-ass YouTube clips, and made myself food I don't want to eat because my appetite is suppressed but I know food consumption is a task. It's like all of my ADHD bullshit for the entire day happens at light speed over a few hours.
Then I sit down and can do The Big Task of the day for 5 hours or more and, unlike with a hyperfocus, can remain focused on it even after taking breaks to go do other stuff.
Then the end of the day hits and I'm tired and need to go to sleep but I still feel the Productivity Need so for some reason I watch 50 more "Educational" YouTube videos until it subsides and then finally fall asleep at 2am.
Like. Does it cure my ADHD? Absolutely not. Does it make me less chaotic? No. But does it allow me to consistently channel my ADHD energy productively? Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% sure that's what my doctors were going for when they prescribed it, but I gotta be honest I kinda love it.
#not video games#late nights with ali#nd blogging#actuallyADHD#I'm pretty sure my docs were intending for a bit more... how you say... stability?#but a lot of my ADHD traits don't go away. just the most important one- activation-based executive dysfunction#And honestly without that I think I like the way I function with the rest? usually anyway#If I'm in control of it. I love my hyperfocus. I love my bouncing around chaotically. I love being impulsively spontaneous#don't get me wrong. there are days where I do hate my adhd. when the emotional regulation problems kick in it's hell.#rejection sensitive dysphoria is a bitch. I can forget self care in lieu of 'more important' things. my working memory can fuck me over.#but in comparison to how I lived before medication? it's amazing. and I've learned to be fond of aspects of my disorder#and to live with the ones that are inconvenient. it's so nice honestly#I could do without the sweating and appetite suppression. but it is SO worth it to like my own mind again.#before I was diagnosed I knew I had it. so my only options were self medicating with caffiene and developing an anxiety disorder.#the thing that bypasses the dopamine-based activation is adrenaline-based activation#so I literally just. got so anxious about stuff I needed to do that it would trigger the adrenaline activation where dopamine failed me#I don't think I actually 100% KNEW that's what I was doing per se. but I do think some of my anxiety came from intentional doom spiralling#anyway moral of the story. Vyvanse helps with ADHD is some truly strange ways but at the end of the day it's a fucking miracle#New River Pharmaceuticals developers of lisdexamfetamine I am kissing you on the mouth
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Keri baby I need help! I have too many f/os and I feel like I need to focus on them all so none of them feel left out :( but I feel horrible because I don't have that much time and energy. Do you have this problem? I think you said you have over 200 f/os at some point right? I have ten and I can't spread my love around for every single one of them every day and I'm so stressed, I don't want people to forget that I like all of them
!!! Sweet anon, I’ve got you!!! I have almost 300 F/Os now, I completely understand where you’re coming from.
Here’s how I view it: all of my F/Os are sitting in a room in my head rent free and they’re all just chilling. “On Pause” as I like to call it. Whoever I hyperfixate on, is currently “unpaused”!
Lemme give you examples: Plankton from the spongebob musical is my main F/O, right? He’s always in the back of my head, regardless of whoever else I hyperfixate on. HOWEVER. Right now, Starscream has taken the spotlight... for the last four months, I just. Can’t. Stop. Thinking. About. Starlight! And that’s okay. Plankton isn’t mad at me!! I like to think of Plankton sitting in the back of my head, kinda chillin’, painting his nails, kicking his feet back, complaining to Robbie Rotten about something trivial.
Beetlejuice!! I hyperfixated on him for two weeks. I think. That’s it, that’s all he got. Two weeks. Even though it didn’t last long, he’s definitely one of my top fave F/Os I’ve ever had- one of my mains!!! He’s also in that little room in my head, probably trying to figure out ways to freak out Ringmaster Raven. Raven!! I haven’t made any content abt him for a few months for personal reasons-- also just... chilling. They all love me. I have 50 billion boyfriends and they all love me!
I have lots of F/Os that I haven’t touched in years, but they know I still love ‘em!! All of this is literally in our heads, since it’s fictional, we have control over how they feel and how we handle self shipping in general. You don’t HAVE to give them all attention at the same time, if you don’t want to! It would definitely be stressful trying to get to all ten of them, every single day, whew. I can’t even imagine. I can only really hyperfocus on a few at a time. I may have over 20 TFP F/Os, and I’m hyperfixated on TFP for sure right now-- but the only TFP character I’m truly fixated on constantly would be Starscream and maaaaybe sometimes Megatron. I bounce around TFP F/Os every so often, but Starscream is the only one who is stagnant. Unmoving. In his stiletto heels. Legend.
But if you want to, maybe you can distribute attention to different F/Os every few days on your blog? Like, dedicating certain days to certain characters, or you can just put some stuff in your queue! Even though I’m hyperfixated on Starscream at the moment, I still have my queue filled with spongebob the musical and bee and puppycat content (space outlaw is my newest F/O)!! I tag some F/O imagines and love suggestions posts w/ different F/Os, too. But again, this is only a suggestion- you do what makes YOU happy! If you want a break from focusing on every single individual F/O, you can absolutely just focus on one or two at a time! I’m sure people know you still love ALL of your F/Os!!
#self insert asks#anonymous#asks#im sorry i wrote a LOT fhdhfdhdf i hope any of my nonsense helped!!#also I feel like F/O lists help too#that way you're assured that people can see all of your F/Os that you like#but no matter what your F/Os know that you love them!!! i promise!!!#if you want to you can make a comic or write a fic for yourself#where you reassure them all that you love them and they reassure you that they know!#i did that with the wockeez at one point last year and it helped IMMENSLEY#back when i used to have this type of anxiety#i was like 'oh no i havent even GLANCED at Mr Nonsense in SIX YEARS! what if he HATES ME'#spoiler alert: he does not! bc i don't write him that way! in fact he was just happy to see me again!#you have full control of your F/Os perceptions of you and at the end of the day this is all self care#self shipping is self love and self care!! :D
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i gasped when i saw your magnus archives au because i'm a huge fan and your artwork on head archivist ooblek is so incredible. do you have any stray headcanons on it, or maybe how grimm translate to entities, or anything really because i'm so fascinated with this concept.
//You got a big storm comin'
Soooo TMA AU was basically caused by @nightmarebcrn and @jinxedcrow getting me into The Magnus Archives and the subsequent chaos thereafter. Barty was actually built slowly after I began season 3 I think (but it may have been season 2 or even earlier. I remember not realizing just how bad I was setting him up for pain). I'm gonna give a write up with as few show-spoilers as possible beyond the basic concept (Entities) and I will chew on the Grimm bc I didn't quite work on them when I developed this but now that you said it that brain's a-firin' away.
So!
The Archivist of Beacon AKA Why Barty Can't Have Nice Things
While I have written a statement on Barty's past, I'll do a quick write up of his history and who he is as the Archivist.
With all of my iterations of Barty, he is neurodivergent. He has Aspergers (low-spectrum Autism) and ADHD. This presents primarily in hyperfocus, being less than adept at social situations, a tendency to shy away from direct eye contact, and stimming (bouncing his leg, jittery movements, counting in dead languages).
Different to his canon verse, Barty is an only child and his parents were of equal age.
His first contact with the entities was when he was a young boy. He was raised primarily running around a now closed, privately run museum that operated near Oxford University. While no doubt several of the items within have made their way into the Beacon Artifact Storage, at the time he was aware of nothing specifically evil. A new lot acquisition included an unusual set of canopic jars that were written off by several scientists as very good fakes. Despite that, one of the employees – Dr. Herbert Renshaw – became obsessed with them and succumbed to their lure. He killed four people by removing critical organs and permanently disfigured a fifth before disappearing with them. While Barty witnessed the attack which killed his parents, and saw what it entailed, he repressed much of it for most of his life. Working at Beacon brought most of it back.
After his parents died he was looked after by his grandfather, who was a strict and no-nonsense veteran of the second World War. The arrangement lasted only two years before he died of cancer and Barty was released into the foster system, inheritance waiting for him when he turned 18.
Shuttled through foster homes, Barty became something of a punk. He had a big chip on his shoulder, was lonely and desperate for a place to fit in when there were so few that could address his needs. Finally he was sent somewhere with a reputation for 'curing' delinquency. Without knowing it he entered a residence under control of the Web.
Qrow Branwen was in his year in high school. While he and Barty didn't at once know each other, as they were both rather withdrawn and loners, they eventually grew close because of similar interests and attitudes. After a few months Qrow spotted a tell-tale scar on the back of Barty's neck. He'd escaped the same boys home the year before in a bid to be placed elsewhere with his twin. Suddenly frightened for Barty's life, he hatched a plan to help Barty escape. Because Barty was far more under the influence of the Web than Qrow had been it had turned into a rescue mission than a run away. The two of them burned the home to the ground and somehow managed to evade implication.
Barty went to stay with Qrow and Raven with their foster mother, Morrigan Branwen. She was careful to help with his needs, and Barty loved her like a mother, though he never considered Raven or Qrow his siblings. In Qrow he'd developed a bad crush that quickly turned into a deep, devoted love. While Barty wasn't much given to the concept of soulmates, he considered Qrow exactly that.
He and Qrow both were accepted into University and he'd thought they would always be together. Eventually though Qrow began to fade away from him, consumed by something else, and dropped out of University. He cut off contact and disappeared. Barty didn't see him again until Morrigan's funeral and never got any explanation for what happened.
Years later Barty obtained both his doctorate in history and a degree in archaeology. His interests were always skewed to the occult, though something always kept him back from pursuing the real deal of the supernatural. He was looking forward to a life of academia, though something always felt empty to him. Sometimes he'd see a familiar face in a crowd and his neck would itch before they disappeared. He never really gave up the torch he carried for Qrow either, despite trying to move on.
After a talk he gave on a lesser known cult during the height of the Egyptian empire, Dr. Ozpin Newman approached him about a job as Head Archivist in Beacon Academy. He might not have accepted the position if he had already been tenured, but Barty had a shaky research position at the University of London, and Ozpin was offering a good contract. Despite knowing Beacon's reputation he agreed... no one could deny the credentials of a Head Archivist of a major academic institute, even one with ties to potential supernatural research.
It was there he is reunited with Qrow again and settled into his job, hardly questioning why Ozpin might want him... why he made such an excellent candidate for Archivist. He was determined to set the archives right after Maria Calavera's treatment of them, set on making a difference, trying hard to hold onto the belief that encounters – despite having been involved in two such events on his own – were rare.
Fear has a way of catching up, has a way of mutating you, as he was ensnared by The Eye, and caught up in a careful game of chess between Avatars. Guilt is acid in his veins as he loses his employees one by one to different entities. Scars began to pile. Secrets began to be revealed, whether the information merely curled out towards him, or a few careful worlds could force them from the lips of those he put question to.
Eventually he had to wonder if he was even really human anymore... when the voyeuristic statements of fear were far more nourishing to his body than food. But surely it's human to be willing to kill to protect Qrow and his people, to make the world right again?
So, that's kind of a basic write up. As for Grimm, I am currently toying with creatures that are far more horrifying than their base in RWBY. The Grimm are soulless manifestations of dangerous concentrations of fear given form, residual negative energies forming into mindless beasts able to be controlled and guided by their Avatars, provided that Avatar embraces its calling. Tools to reap yet more energy for the entities beyond the veil.
#recent history; headcanons#is anything really real anymore?; tma au#the archivist of beacon; tma#anything else you would like to inquire?; answered#becomestorm
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