#ITS ALWAYS USED FOR FUCKIN LIZARD DINOSAUR PEOPLE
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anyone else just randomly get hit with that reoccurring realization that every fuckin aspect of the fantasy genre is just choked and suffocated by european centralism
#are yall not fuckin bored of that#just the same damn place over and over#dont yall want something new#explore something new#i am#im fuckin sick of seeing the same damn#i want something new#i wanna see fantasy settings taking inspiration from pre-columbian americas#BUT I NEVER GET THAT#ITS NEVER GOOD#ITS ALWAYS USED FOR FUCKIN LIZARD DINOSAUR PEOPLE#OR THE GODS BEING TURNED INTO WHITE PEOPLE#OR JUST SOME FLAVOR TEXT IN NON DESCRIPT MESOAMERICAN TEMPLE CALL THE NATIVE PEOPLE SAVAGES FOR HUMAN SACRIFICE#NOTHING BEYOND
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TT Blathers About Monster Hunter Stories
For thousands of years, people have come to my altar, desperately begging that I play Monster Hunter games, and for thousands of years I let my heart be hardened to their pleas. Then this year Yaweh released the 11th plague: a Monster Hunter game that was also a Mons game, which is to say a game where you collect and raise various monsters to be your friends and allies, i.e. my favorite type of game ever conceived. In that moment, I was doomed – I cannot resist a good Mons game, and god help me, this game was good. I played the free demo four different times before the game finally came out, so thirsty I was to play it. I had a fever, and the cure was Monster Hunter Stories.
From a story standpoint, it’s just kind of ok – fairly standard JRPG plot of saving the world from a vaguely supernatural ecological destruction, standard JRPG characters (Here’s your perky female childhood friend! Here’s your angsty male childhood friend turned rival! Here are the silly comedic villains! Here’s the quirky sidekick! Etc.), very formulaic across the board. To its credit, the story DID manage to sell me on the whole setting of Monster Hunter in general – it helps that the titular hunters have a lot more sympathy for the titular monsters than you usually get in a “Heroes kill monsters” game, and that the storytelling really does want you to love these creatures even when you have to fight them. Still, it ain’t no Persona 4 by a long shot.
But that’s fine, because the real appeal was raising all those lovely monsters, and oh, how fucking good that was. Great gameplay goes a long way in this game, and while the story is by the numbers, the fights and monsters were ABOVE AND BEYOND. Which is why I’ve decided to talk about EVERY SINGLE Monstie (i.e. catchable monster) in the game, even the ones I haven’t gotten to meet yet because Capcom hasn’t released their DLC yet.
So come with me as I spiral into madness and gush about some goddamn monsters.
Velocidrome (Goggle)
Redecos: Gendrome (Chopstix)
Goggle was the first monstie the game gave me, and as such has a special place in my heart even though he was quickly outclassed by everything around him. A sweet, innocent creature, Goggle shepherded me around as I first discovered the world of Monster Hunter Stories. His species is also a good introduction to the Caveman meets JRPG European Fantasy (with a dash of Sci-fi) aesthetics of the Monster Hunter games. Like, yeah, on the surface he’s a dinosaur, but he’s also a brightly colored dragony dinosaur. A dragonosaur. Goggle is a treasure.
Later in the game you can get Gendromes, which are a slight retooling of the Velocidrome model. I named mine Chopstix.
Aptonoth (Steakbone)
A big gnarly looking hadrosaur/ankylosaur hybrid, Aptonoths look far stronger than they actually are, being the rattatas of the Monster Hunter World. There’s a lot of them, they go down in one hit, and after a point you just kind of avoid them because fighting them is mostly pointless. And you know what, that’s fine. I’m fine with letting these sweet creatures just wander and graze to their hearts’ content, safe from the attacks of my darling murder lizards. Of course, sometimes the wild murder lizards eat them, but that’s just nature being a pre-programmed A.I. interacting with itself.
Steakbone was on my team for a long while because I had five open slots and not much to put them in. She never saw combat.
Arzuros (Poobah)
A great big nasty bear, Poobah illustrates what I really came to love about Monster Hunter’s approach to monster design: almost everything in this world is part lizard. Even the fuckin’ bears. You look at this guy from a distance and think “That’s a bear,” but up close? Up close to see all sorts of lizardy scales and other reptilian elements. It’s a world of monsters where Lizard is the apex of evolution – like the Kanto region in Pokemon! I love it. I absolutely love it.
Poobah was a beefy boy and I brought him into battle a couple of times, but he was quickly overshadowed by…
Yian Kut-Ku (Skittle)
Redecos: Blue Yian Kut-Ku (Sherbet)
Skittle and Sherbet are beautiful creatures of grace and goofiness, their bright colors reminding you of the radical 1990’s. They look the way Capri Sun tastes. Both were heavy hitters early in my game, quickly illustrating how poor Goggle would have a hard time later on when all their stats exceeded his while they were only half his level. Sherbet in particular stuck on my team a long time, and I regard her quite fondly for the fights she put up in the hellish snow-encrusted hills before I finally got that de-frosting perfume or whatever the fuck it is you need to keep from freezing on that map.
Popo (Mutton)
Popos look like a sentient hairwad chewing on a wishbone. So, y’know, pretty good for the Bidoofs of Monster Hunter.
Lagombi (Harvey)
You’re basically forced to have this fucking rabbit bear for the snow map, because he’s the only species you can get that can break rocks and is also involved in a cut scene that shows you how gene hybridization works. It’s a goofy ass thing and one of the few monsters that doesn’t have much lizard in it, so points for fun and variety. Harvey wasn’t my favorite and, unlike the movie/play character for whom he was named, didn’t really endear me to him as the game went on, but he is a giant rabbit with, like, a beak or something, so there’s that for you.
Bulldrome (Hamhock)
There’s some good bacon on this critter. Mmm hmm.
Zamtrios (Belushi)
A giant shark-frog that can suddenly expand to the delight of fetishists everywhere, I felt there was no better name for this lovely creature than that of beloved 1980’s comedian John Belushi. Belushi stuck around on my team for a while, and while he didn’t accomplish a lot during that time, I could always depend on him in a pinch if my stronger monsters got too roughed up. His hopping animation was really fun despite being the opposite of helpful from a gameplay perspective.
Khezu (Akroyd)
Redecos: Red Khezu (Snausage)
These guys have to get the people who want nontraditional dragons, like, rock hard, right? Giant phallus headed lamprey wyverns? That’s what people like these days, right? I like these guys just fine. Akroyd was my stone wall for a while, having great HP and defense that allowed him to weather the nastiest of shit relatively unscathed. Snausage never quite came into his own, but to be fair, did he need to? His name is SNAUSAGE. Sometimes that’s all you need.
Apceros (Turtz)
I’m sincerely disappointed these guys weren’t viable fighters, because an ankylosaurus/turtle hybrid is a badass concept, and this design is a badass execution of it. I would have been really tempted to use Turtz for the whole game if he didn’t have the survivability of a wet paper towel.
Royal Ludroth (Spengbab)
Redecos: Purple Ludroth (Koolaid)
I love most of the Ludroth family’s design, but that spongey neck just looks infected. Every time I look at them I worry about whether or not I should take them to a clinic. There’s gotta be, like, pus and shit in there, right? Oh god. Oh my poor sick lizards. Oh no.
Gypceros (Plunger)
Redecos: Purple Gypceros (Grapekun)
Y’know, much has been made of the phallic nature of Khezu’s head/neck, but I honestly feel the horrible fleshy ovipositors on these guys is way more obscene. They’re pretty fun monsters in their own right. Not my favorite – they don’t hit my aesthetic sweet spots like some of the other monsters do – but they bring a wonderful variety to things. However they’re also cheating fucks who use poison and blindness like cowards, and for that I bear a grudge.
Nerscylla (Vriska)
Redecos: Shrouded Nerscylla (Frosti)
I love these spiders and their adorable blankets. I was sorely tempted to keep Vriska on my team, benching her only because she started getting roughed up too much about 2/3rds of the way through the game. Not only does she have a lovely and endearing design, but her ability to put fuckers to sleep was so useful. She and Frosti knit sweaters in my monster stables and regale the young monsters with stories of daring do.
Qurupeco (Honker)
Redecos: Crimson Qurupeco (Barry)
If you distilled the essence of, like, EVERY weird ass bird – not all birds, just the weird ass ones like toucans and pelicans and shit – and then mixed it with a wyvern, you’d get these guys. They’re goofy as shit and really endearing even if they make battles take way longer than necessary by calling in reinforcements. Plus Honker helped me get one of my best monsties in the end, so he’s alright. You’re alright Honker.
Rathian (Clarent)
Redecos: Pink Rathian (Hrunting), Gold Rathian (Caliburn)
So early in the game, you escape the dreaded Ice Hell Wasteland Snow Zone into a beautiful green path of serene trees and flowers. Sleeping on that path, surrounded by harmless Aptonoths, is a Sharkleberry Fin-pink ass dragon. And deep down you know this is a trap. It’s fucking sleeping. You have to choose to fight it. The game is setting you up.
“Fuck it,” you say, “I saved recently. Let’s poke the bear.”
These fuckers were Monster Hunter Stories’ first taste of power, the first monster to make you realize that you are a puny ape made of meat and bone in a land of prehistoric dragonosauruses that would love to eat your goddamn guts. God I love this heinous she-dragon, this haw-nosed viper-faced scorpion-tailed flying allosaurus. The game foreshadows pretty heavily that you’ll get one of your own at, like, the VERY beginning, so I didn’t bother putting Hrunting (my pink Rathian – I didn’t find the normal one until much later) on my team when I got her. I mean, I actually couldn’t because the game was like “Yeah you got this egg but uhhhhh you are NOT ready for this responsibility” my man, but even though I knew it’d be alright, I still felt a twinge of regret. There aren’t enough spaces on my team for TWO Raths, but Rathians, please know that Silver medals are high honors.
Also I’ll probably level you up for funsies once all my other monsties get to level 100 while I wait for the DLC.
Barroth (Caramel)
Redecos: Jade Barroth (Marzipan)
Caramel was the first monster I got who would stay all the way to the end of the story mode, and likewise became the first monster I raised to level 99. Even just focusing on aesthetics, Caramel is wonderful. Her design has the bonkers creativity and personality of an Ultra Man monster, with her giant pipe organ head and pangolin dorsal scutes. And she likes mud baths! What a lovely creature. Caramel’s full name is Salted Caramel, because her ice genes make her look a little frosted, and because she’s the experienced veteran on my core team of monsters.
Diablos (Moloch)
Redecos: Black Diablos (Asmodeus)
A triceratops/therapod/pterosaur/Satan hybrid, Diablos is pretty fucking rad, and while it took me forever to get one of their fucking eggs, I still seriously considered raising one for my endgame. I ultimately didn’t, but this is another monster that kinda neatly summarizes the basic rules of Monster Hunter’s monster design: take dinosaur parts, cobble together a dragon, and voila, you’ve got a pretty standard MH monster.
Tigrex (Nublar)
Redecos: Brute Tigrex (Sorna), Molten Tigrex (Winston)
Look, at the end of the day, I’m a pretty boring person when it comes to my personal tastes. I like hamburgers with just ketchup on them – anything more and you can’t focus on the meat. So when I say that Tigrex is my favorite monster in the game, please, please understand that I’m aware how boring that makes me. I mean, I get it – it’s JUST a dragon with a T.rex head. But… but that’s so cool! And it’s such a nice dragon with SUCH a NICE T.rex head! And it has this adorable animation when it wins where it snaps its jaws twice like “YEAH FUCK YOU YOU WANNA GO AGAIN GUESS NOT FUCKER I’M A T.REX AND A DRAGON WHAT ARE YOU YOU AIN’T SHIT IS WHAT YOU ARE CHOMP CHOMP MOTHERFUCKER CHOMP CHOMPITY CHOMP!”
Anyway I raised the three different Tigrexes all to a high level and used them all substantially throughout the game because they’re beautiful and adorable and badass and just my favorite ok? Yes I know it’s one of the least creative designs in the bunch but goooooooooddddd it just works for me ok it just works.
1000/10 would raise more would raise entire team of tigrexes try and fucking stop me I’ll do it I’ll goddamn do it just try to stop me CHOMP CHOMP motherfuckers
Iodrome (Nedry)
I did a lot of level grinding in the volcano, and discovered that some of my monsters could send these fuckers running at the sight of me just by roaring. It was delightful.
Basarios (Pebble)
Redecos: Ruby Basarios (Poprox)
These burly fellows look like they’d be a lot tougher than they are. I mean, they can endure a lot of punishment, but their fights were never hardfought – just long. They’re pretty neat for giant rock dragons.
Gravios (Nugget)
Redecos: Black Gravios (Licorice)
A bit tougher than Basarios (and apparently related to them? ), I still have trouble telling these two apart most of the time. They’re nice. Decent geodudes.
Uragaan (Roundboy)
Y’know, everyone remembers the Ghost with the Most and Lydia, but Otho brings a lot of comedy to Beetlejuice too. Like, he’s even more inexplicable and weird than all the dead people in that movie. Otho should be more fondly remembered.
Like Caramel, Roundboy has a really fun design that once again has a distinctly Ultra Man-ish feel to me. He also looks sort of like a hairbrush, but, like, a terrible one where the tines are too fat to properly help your hair. I like him.
Great Jaggi (Newman)
Redecos: Great Baggi (Elvis)
I feel like the game knew these two were basically a waste of time because there’s, like, no promotional renders for them at all. It’s kind of a shame because they’ve got lovely wicked raptor designs, but yeah they’re basically like Velocidromes in that they’re kind of useless, but unlike velocidromes you don’t get them until a point in the game where there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT they will always be useless. I feel bad for them.
Kecha Wacha (Seylmer)
Redeco: Ash Kecha Wacha (Vendor)
So… I’m not the only one who thinks this is the lovechild of Elmer and Seymore, right? It wants to sell me sands and fruit.
Yian Garuga (Gothrox)
The goth cousin of the Yian Kut Kus, this creature manages to look kinda badass despite being derived from such goofy stock. I can respect that.
Congala (Garbage)
Redecos: Emerald Congala (Dumpster)
From a design point, these punk rock hippo-gorillas are really cool, mixing a lot of disparate elements into a single creature. On the other hand, every time I fought one they farted on me a lot, which did not endear me to them one bit. I did not appreciate their south park humor.
Zinogre (Balto)
Redecos: Stygian Zinogre (Baskervill)
In recent Pokemon generations I’ve just been clinging to the few reptilian designs we get, no matter how far they are from y actual preferences for reptile monster designs, because more and more they are crowded out by goddamn mammals. I imagine Zinogre here must be that for MH fans who also prefer mammal monsters to reptile ones – in a sea of lizards, here is a lizard that looks very much like a wolf! It’s still a lizard though – like, it’s got a big long tail, and scales everywhere, and even a squatter stance than most mammals have – but dammit, it’s a wolf-ish lizard.
I think wolves are kinda neat, so if there had to be a super strong mammal-ish monster, they could do a lot worse than this one.
Nargacuga (Bagheera)
Redecos: Green Nargacuga (Swampcat)
Basically a panther dragon, Nargacuga is another strong more-mammal-y-than-normal monster from the later part of the game, and it’s a pretty fucking rad one. It was hard not to have a grudge against them at first because of the, uh, opening cutscenes of the game, but since the game hammers in the idea that we can’t blame these wild animals for their actions, I grew to love my sweet panther dragons. They’re frail as fuck though, so sadly I didn’t get much use out of them, but I love them nonetheless.
Rathalos (Ratha)
Redecos: Azure Rathalos (Durendal), Silver Rathalos (Excalibur)
Ok, so, you automatically get a Rathalos about halfway through the story, and the story really rides upon you making the Rathalos your favorite. Which, in turn, kinda inspires a bit of rebelliousness on your part – especially when other monsters have been with you longer (Caramel) or endeared themselves to you more (Nublar/Sorna/Winston). Also they don’t let you nickname your Rathalos yourself – your stuck with the shitty nickname one of the NPCs gave him instead. Ratha? Ratha? I know I could do better than that.
Like Rathian, Rathalos is a badass theropod bodied, scorpion tailed, hawk/viper faced wyvern, all of which gets blended seamlessly into a really unique and expressive design. This is basically the mascot monster of the series, right? A good choice. Definitely more creative than a simple dragon with a T.rex head. A good choice. I’m sure some might argue the better choice.
…
Anyway I love the various Rathaloses I’ve raised, and like Tigrexes I raised one of each subspecies up to pretty high levels. They’re great monsters. Probably in my top ten of the ones listed here. Maybe even top five. Just… just not my favorite. I’m sorry Ratha, but you should have let me name you.
Lagiacrus (Ogopogo)
Redecos: Ivory Lagiacrus (Inverness)
It’s a crocodile… and a cobra… and a sea serpent… I love it. I love this design. Of all the monsters I planned to put on my team, I was most excited for Ogopogo here. Like, if I had to pick a favorite monster on design alone, it would be this guy. Ogopogo struggled to make her mark in combat though, being kind of middle of the road – not super hard hitting, not super durable, just kind of alright everywhere. She wasn’t as quirky as the others either. I still love her though, and I’ve been toying with her genes to see if I can help her make her mark. She’s probably just a late bloomer – it’ll be her time to shine soon, you’ll see.
Deviljho (Corncob)
I have heard tales of the Deviljho for as long as I have heard people telling me I should play Monster Hunter games – which is to say a long ass time. Feared by all, the mighty deviljho is an unstoppable murder beast that arrives when you least expect it.
At least, that’s what the legends say. In Monster Hunter Stories I had to seek out this son of a bitch. SEVERAL TIMES. Me and Honker spent an entire fucking night just farming these bastards, beating up Jho after Jho in a desperate attempt to get its precious egg. Eventually our efforts bore fruit, and sweet Corncob was born.
A plucky, chunky pickle skinned child, Corncob worried me at first – she seemed frailer than my Tigrexes and didn’t hit as hard, and I feared she might have to be benched for her own sake. After finishing story mode, though, she really came into her own. With the help of some gene re-arranging and some level grinding, Corncob has become a juggernaut – beefier than Caramel and harder hitting than all save Winston the Molten Tigrex. Corncob isn’t the average monster warrior – she has become the legend, the legend that you fear. She is the legendary super monster – the Deviljho!
Anyway, Corncob may be my second favorite monstie. She’s just the sweetest little murdersaurus.
Barioth (Varney)
Redecos: Sand Barioth (Carmilla)
The third mammal-ish reptile, Barioth looks pretty cool. I mean, it’s a sabre tooth cat’s head on a standard MH style wyvern body, you can’t fuck that up really. If MH didn’t offer so many other monsters that were far more lizard-y, I’d probably use it. It’s right there in that later-gen Pokemon category of “I guess this will do” monster design. If I were dying of thirst, Barioth, you would be my water in the desert. But there’s fresh water aplenty here, soooooo yeah.
Brachydios (Bajablast)
Originally I had no intention of using Bajablast, since the design seemed a little overdone to me – like it was trying to hard to be EVEN MORE badass than other monsters. But goddamn did Bajablast win me over! Not only does she have the best kinship attack animation in the game, but she’s a durable, hard hitting worker – not the best fighter on my team, but a consistently reliable one. After giving her water genes that complement her fire resistant nature, Bajablast is both a thirst quencher AND an explosive attacker – she truly does the Dew.
Kirin (Amalthea)
Redecos: Oroshi Kirin (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)
While on the outside Kirin looks like just a horse with a horn, on closer inspection you’ll find it also has a weird old man face, and that’s creepy in a fun way. A perfectly acceptable horse monster. Kirin is an “Elder Dragon,” which research tells me is MH code for “Boss Monster” or “Legendary Pokemon,” so I guess that’s why you have to wait until the postgame to get one.
Monoblos (Belphegor)
Redecos: White Monoblos (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)
Monoblos is like Diablos but with a less cool looking head. So there’s that for you. It feels kind of underwhelming to get this guy in the postgame, to be honest – it’s just Diablos with a less cool head. But it gives you something to do, and I’d rather wait for this than, say, sweet, dear Corncob.
Seregios (Pinecone)
Like Monoblos, this monster felt kind of underwhelming as a post-game critter – it’s another wyvern, neat – but at least it’s a cool and unique design, with its backwards scales and pissed off rooster face. Sir Reggie O’s is ok in my book.
Great Poogie (Baconbit)
If you find 100 pigs in the game you get a really big pig that you can ride and it’s kind of a joke on you for working so hard to find a bunch of useless fucking pigs, but on the other hand you can ride on a pig and it’s hilarious. Just… just imagining a person choosing to ride on a pig instead of dragons and bears and shit is hilarious.
Epona (un-nickname-able, but I would have called him Bojack)
There’s a DLC tournament you can fight in to get a fucking horse. Just… just a horse. Just a normal goddamn horse. You don’t even get to name the horse because fuckin’ Zelda beat you to it. Excuse me, princess, I wanted to name this horse off an alcoholic sitcom star with clinical depression! Fuckin’ dream killing horse.
THE UNRELEASED DLC MONSTERS
Rajang (Unreleased – thinkin’ of calling it Vegeta)
Every time I’ve fought one of these apes has been a fuckin’ nightmare. I am terrified of them. I am scared of these goddamn dirty pawed apes. I want to raise one just so I can get over my fear.
Kushala Daora (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)
The closest the game comes to, like, the iconic European dragon – I mean, let’s be honest, if you think “Dragon,” you think “lizard with four legs and two wings”, right? If we’re being honest here? Right?
Oddly, I’m less enthused by this guy than I felt I would be. It actually makes me understand where all the “reptilian dragons are boring!” people are coming from. It could use just a bit more weirdness.
Teostra (Unreleased – no nickname chosen yet)
So here’s a dragon that is also a lion. Neat.
Glavenus (Unreleased, but will be named Razzlberri)
Every week I hope and pray that the game gets the DLC that lets me have my sweet, dear, beautiful Razzlberri. As of this writing, my prayers remain unanswered.
TT’s Top Ten Favorite Monsties So Far (in no particular order)
Nublar/Sorna/Winston (Tigrex and its variants)
Corncob (Deviljho)
Caramel (Barroth and its variants)
Ogopogo (Lagiacrus and its variants)
Bajablast (Brachydios)
Ratha/Durendal/Excalibur (Rathalos and its variants)
Clarent/Hrunting/Caliburn (Rathian and its variants)
Razzlberri (Glavenus - yeah I know it hasn’t been released yet but look at it)
Vriska/Frosti (Nerscylla and its variants
Moloch/Asmodeus (Diablos and its variants)
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