#I'm tired as hell of being sick
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#I'm tired as hell of being sick#the magnitude of the boredom that comes with being sick with a chronic illness is crazy#i have between 0.5-6 hours out of bed per day. usually around 3 or 4. i spend almost that whole time cooking and shopping and cleaning#and taking care of what needs to be done before time is up and i need to lay down again#when I'm in bed i don't have the energy for anything except watching easy to digest shows or youtube videos or scrolling on tumblr#maybe some writing or drawing if the brain fog isn't too bad#my life is just a haze of one million meds and supplements and doctors visit after doctors visit#and smoking weed so I'm not debilitated by nausea 24/7 and sleeping. so much sleeping. I'm so bored. I'm so desperately bored.#i miss having a shitty retail job and going out with my friends after work and going to events#and being able to go anywhere more than 20 minutes from my apartment#:( :( :(#im just so bored and tired on such a deep and painful level and i want to be well enough to feel like a real person again
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excuse me while i continue to go through the motions —
#𝗦𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 + [ OOC ]#sorry i know i'm insufferable#I KNOW Y'ALL ARE SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING OOC FROM ME !!!#but yesterday was...a day ?#i was absent here and on discord virtually completely.#i just needed to take a day from everything — every emotional stage resulting from being laid off for no real reason just seemed to hit me#all at once lmao#and i just#it was good. i spent the day with a friend and we didn't talk about much. just watched mha#and worked on fairy wings for the renaissance fair next week.#well...and turned in my van keys and work phone and laptop because i was officially termed yesterday and...okay#looking back at it my mental break yesterday makes a little more sense.#but ANYWAY I'M#i'm filing for unemployment today but then#i think i'm ready to tackle things here for real !!#will probably mix between asks and drafts — but ngl it's probably just gonna be whatever the hell i feel like doing atm#but i'll be around discord too !! hit me up for some plotting and chatting and crying over 419 !!!
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i don't understand why everyone thinks you have to be one thing.
#you have to like cats or dogs.#you have to like hot or cold weather.#you have to be male or female.#you have to like men or women.#you have to be feminine or masculine.#you like to be kind? obviously you're some little naive flower. no you can't swear. no you can't get angry.#you like animation? you must only like little kid things. oh god we put on a violent movie - cover your delicate baby eyes.#you don't drink alcohol? you must be boring and hate fun#you're gay - why the hell would you enjoy a romance story between men and women?#you bought a skirt? finally! you can start being the woman we'd always hoped you'd be#you love your family right? that means you'll agree with everything we think right?#i'm just so tired#i'm so sick of being shoved into little fucking boxes or being forced to wear as many different masks as i can#to make other people more comfortable or to be more palpable for others to consume
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Going to be honest: I've been getting increasingly bothered by the whole "girlfailure" trend in fandom lately because I feel it goes hand-in-hand with the teehee cutesy "girl math" and "girl dinner" and "I can't do hard stuff I'm just a girl" bullshit that's been cropping up all over, just disguised in a fandom context. And even if someone wanted to be like, no, it's just because we're tired of seeing badass female characters—
Why aren't you tired of seeing badass male characters? Yeah, I see people cooing over poor widdle meow meows, but never people deriding male heroes the way they deride "girlbosses" or saying they want "boyfailures" to the same extent
Do you not realize that we had decades upon decades of media where female characters were not allowed to accomplish anything of note aside from kissing the hero and building a home? And sometimes (often) it was really the hero kissing her, and she just needed to look happy about it
It wasn't really until the 80s or 90s that we started to get our Token Girl among the Cast of Boys, and even then the girl could never outshine the boys, she was just there to Be a Girl and often Look Pretty, but the boys always had to be the REAL heroes, she was just one of the secondary characters
In the 2000s we got more Girl Power stuff but even then . . . 2003 Teen Titans could give Beast Boy two focus seasons but Starfire couldn't even get one ffs
Point being, we've worked fucking hard to get here and it's still not perfect, and I understand wanting more well rounded female characters, I want them too, but the answer is NOT to fucking backslide into "girls who fail at and can't do anything teehee :3" because that will just give credence to the misognyist assholes who already pitch fits every time a woman appears on screen in a superhero movie to do something other than be a sexy lamp.
#not rebloggable bc i don't trust this website#i'm just tired#and fucking sick of how casual misogyny has become trendy on tumblr.hell again#i remember when we were known by reddit as the crazy ugly spinster feminist hag website#what the hell happened#also if anyone wants to question the Teen Titans thing — BB's seasons were 2 and 5#yes 2 was largely about Terra but Terra was not a main Titan and her story was also largely abt BB being in love w/ her#hence why she's brought back at the end of s5 - also his season - bc she's part of his story#BB got two seasons. Starfire didn't even get one. i love the 03 cartoon but i will ALWAYS be bitter abt that.
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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“I finished brushing my teeth and went back to bed. I had no kick left, no zing. I was a thumbtack, I was a piece of linoleum.
I decided to stay in bed until noon. Maybe by then half the world would be dead and it would only be half as hard to take. Maybe if I got up at noon I’d look better, feel better. I knew a guy once who didn’t excrete for days. He finally just exploded. Really. Shit flew out of his belly.
Then the phone rang. I let it ring. I never answered the phone in the morning. It rang 5 times and stopped. There. I was alone with myself. And disgusting as I was it was better than being with somebody else, anybody else, all of them out there doing their pitiful little tricks and handsprings. I pulled the covers up to my neck and waited.”
- Pulp, Charles Bukowski
#writing#charles bukowski#tcomh#excerpt#sick and tired of being sick and tired etc etc#that post that talks about the way depression and anxiety are so commonly used in life now and people don't take it seriously no more#or they have a meme-ified idea of it#it said something like 'maybe they're household names now but they still kill people' real as hell#a shot in the head would fix me#idk what i'm saying anymore
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#i want out i NEED OUT for my fucking sanity but getting out means being homeless so I'm just STUCK#i cannot stand the sight of him right now but I'm too sick to even like WORK to get away from him#he's so inconsiderate and I'm tired of being his MOTHER and he's being whiny that I'm not babying him#and even if i wasn't set of breaking up with him I'm TOO SICK to BABY HIM RIGHT NOW ANYWAY#fucking hell#this from the guy who didn't even get me a grocery store candy bar for Christmas#a holiday he knows is super important to me because i don't have any family and i reminded him once a week for WEEKS before Christmas#that it was very very important to me to have something in my stocking even if it was rock from a parking lot#and he COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT#I've had to go to the ER TWICE in the last 3 months and one of those was for active suicidal ideation#which he KNEW#and he didn't even OFFER TO GO WITH ME#he just has absolutely no regard for me#I'm here for sex and to cook#AND he's never once even gotten me off#he barely even tries#i always thought i respected myself more but clearly not#i need OUT I'M LOSING MY MIND#tbd#just ranting
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coming to terms with having adhd is like wow so my brain has been broken all my fucking life and always will be. and when I felt like everything was unfair + more difficult for me than everyone else thats because it is actually. and it will always be like this forever. hope that helps 👍
#and also all my concerns abt being high risk for substance abuse + self harm + suicide are now statistically proven 👍#not to mention risks of debt/houselessness + the whole spectrum of attachment/relationship issues etcetera#the likelihood of me having adhd is inescapable theres too much evidence for it. but I cant even think abt it without having a breakdown#my execution function hasn't been functioning for weeks and I'm so fucking tired I just want to be able to do shit. please#also so sick of ppl being like oh adhd is so fun it means youre more creative + energetic haha 🤪 whenever I try to talk abt it#like actually not to be a downer but its ruining my fucking life. its not some 'superpower' or coveted quirk. kindly shut the fuck up#maybe it would just be a fun different type of brain if society was structured differently. but its not! so it will always be a hindrance#I think I need to try and find a therapist to see who specialises in or has experience w adhd bc I am rly not coping right now lmfao#just so I can wrap my head around this. and figure out how to get my shit together and function as a member of society#anyway. sorry.#.vent#oddly this is very specific to adhd. when i think abt the fact i likely have autism im like hell yeah that rules B^)
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fuck dude i have got to find a job where i can be self-employed and creative. i cannot be in fucking retail hell anymore
#she bork#tbd#like now i don't deal w customers which is cool but now that i work at like a big retail store and not a little mall outlet the pressure is#insane. and i have bosses who never say good job or thank you and who have set me up to fail by throwing a department on me that i was not#hired to run or trained for and frankly don't have time to run properly either. so every week just starts w me in our weekly meeting being a#fucking piñata like 'why didn't you get this done 🤨 you need to manage your time better 🤨 you're losing sales 🤨' and i'm like i'm trying!!!!#what more can i do!!!!!! and then the side of it i actually kind of enjoy (which is what i was originally hired to do) is very very hard on#my body bc it's a very physical job (i run the team that unloads the trucks every day and like i'm usually helping unload bc i'm not just#gonna stand there and watch while my team busts their asses lol) and now i'm finding out that it's actually not normal to wake up every day#w your joints screaming and stiff and that i might have a chronic condition (doctor is thinking some sort of chronic inflammatory arthritis#but i won't know if my imaging and blood tests showed anything until like mid-june) and i'm like. so even the part of my job that i don't#mind as much is not good bc it's like actively destroying my body. okay sick 🤠 and i don't wanna quit bc i've only been there for like#eight months and this job would be really valuable on a resume but i don't want it to look like i'm a job hopper or like i'm fickle or#unreliable. so i'm stuck here for a while i think. but the pressure is destroying me mentally and i know i need to find a position somewhere#else that is 1. not fucking goddamn retail bc retail will always be hell and 2. not management bc i don't see myself ever really getting#into upper management but lower/middle management gets shit on the most so if i go somewhere else and end up in middle management i'll be#right back to wanting to kill myself in a matter of months. basically i'm tired of expectations and pressure and stress and i'm tired of#waking up at fucking 2:30 every morning just to go in and get shit on and destroy my body all over something that in the end i do not fuckin#care about. i need to make art and be held accountable by only myself. idk i've been toying w the idea of learning how to tattoo and trying#to start establishing some artistic skill so maybe eventually i can do that? not now bc the economy sucks and that's scary lol and anyway i#have to give myself some time to actually learn the skill and perfect a style. but it makes decent money (at least before the expense of#supplies and taxes) and allows you to travel and still work and also it would be fun. and i could tattoo myself so it would cut some#expenses for me since i cannot stay away from the damn needle. idk lol i need to save some money before i buy a tattoo gun or anything but#i'm considering it bc i am going fucking crazy rn and ik this feeling will leave me eventually but i also know it will come back bc it#always does. and i'm tired of just surviving and just making it through every day and every week like i want to be happy and this is just#not doing it for me anymore#ugh fuck why couldn't i have been born w a brain that likes numbers and code and technology. i love being an artist but it makes finding a#sustainable career really difficult bc i feel so restless and miserable when i'm stuck in a passionless job but my passions are not#particularly profitable. hate it here why wasn't i born a capybara no job no responsibility just squint and squeak and sun
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#just a personal vent here#i already saw an insta post saying now it's time for all of us to fight like hell#and i'm so tired of hearing it.#because how? how am i supposed to fight this?#i vote. i donate to pro-choice orgs. i have absolutely no power to decide the makeup of the supreme court.#and I'm so tired of hearing vote vote vote vote vote vote vote as if it fixes anything on a systemic scale#i believe in the power of voting to influence local and occasionally state elections. but on a national scale?#to be clear i always have voted and will continue to vote but#I'm sick of voting being propped up as the solution to everything when it does not impact the most intentionally corrupt and harmful parts#of the american government#'they want you to feel powerless don't let them win' ok well. i do feel powerless. show me where I have meaningful power that can actually#effect systemic change.#i know people talking about fighting have their hearts in the right place but i'm sick of being told that it's on me to change things#when there are some things i can't change#it shifts the blame off the system and onto individuals#happy to talk if anyone wants to I just had to get this out
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You ever just start remembering the injustices forced upon you when you were too young to fight them and just get angry all over again?
Like I wonder how strong my back would be instead of a shitty weak thing that has thrown itself twice just by walking around my house and has thrown for other reasons too, if I hadn't been yanked out of belly dancing as a kid just because my mom had to stop attending her dance classes after back surgery. Like literally that was the only explanation given. She couldn't do it anymore so neither could I. Now I'm too disabled to ever dance any kind again
#that's not true i can gently Macarena if I'm careful#but still wtf#that was literally the only activity i was allowed to do as a kid#i was kicked out of 4H for being too sick and missing too many meetings#and because my parents were worried about that happening again i wasn't allowed to be a girl scout#i missed too many classes and my grades were only so-so so i wasn't allowed to join any school clubs#i got kicked out of band for being too tired and sick to make it to the before school classes#and i got kicked out right before the King's Island concert/trip THE DAY AFTER i handed in my non refundable seventy-five dollar trip fee#and now my lungs are too shite to ever play the clarinet again too while we're at it#i should have known no one was taking my dancing and the fun i was having seriously#like for real i was enduring the sensory hell that was putting on tights just so i could dance#the end was nigh when i was forced to attend my first (and it turns out only) dance recital because of my brothers hs graduation#i begged my parents to just drop me off at the studio and then pick me up after our respective functions were over#but i was told family was more important than dancing#so instead of dancing my heart out i was forced to sit still for three hours waiting for a single name to be called#all the while being absolutely blinded by the flash of disposable camera from the bleachers across from me#so i got a migraine that night#if family is so important why do my brother and i despise each other#anyway i was yanked out of belly dance class a few months later so i never got dance in front of an audience#the band thing happened a few years later and after that i either wasn't allowed to join anything by my parents#or figured myself that I'd just be kicked out of whatever i wanted to do and never tried up join anything again#why yes i lost my social skills and grew up isolated and that lasted well into my twenties#anyway I'm bitter#edit: *forced to miss my dance recital
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Lol just found out that hyper mobility can cause a person to be resistant to local anaesthetics.
It was a moment of, oh so that's why that time i was having teeth removed i could still feel pain despite having more than the recommended dose of local anaesthetic.
Yeah.
#I'm in severe joint pain right now. you don't even know#ive taken regular pain killers and oh boi it still hurts like hell#all my joints are actually screaming today#so i was like huh. i heard hypermobility has some weird symptoms. so i went to look#realised a whole load of things#bad breathing? that's a symptom. regularly tear ligaments? yep. that's a symptom. sometimes nearly pass out? symptom.#also. have bad coordination? again. a symptom. feel sick regularly? feel tired for no reason? specifically extreme neck and back pain?#have no idea where your limbs are at any given time if you can't see them???#like wtf uncanny. who would've thought.#i knew i was hypermobile. Being able to partially dislocate my joints isn't exactly normal.#however didn't expect some of the obscure things i had to deal with were actually symptoms of joint disorder#like wtf what has anaesthetics got to do with my joints??? ik there's obviously science behind it but you get my drift#anyhow.
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Good GOD
this song
will
make me...
✨✨CRY✨✨
#i need to stop#but my god#my poor little robot boy#blaming himself for everything#he's such a mood#and i've been penting up everything too long dear good goshly god#i can't do this#catch me crying in bed tonight cause i'm tired of everything#feeling sick of being sick#lonely as all hell#jesus#fucking#christ
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I'm just spamming venting shit to get it off my chest and keep my hands from slipping and sliding if you get my drift
#wanna cry scream throw up break things#but I'm stuck in my head so I'll just stay here half frozen#smoking until I can't feel anything or think#my whole life has been a waste and I just wanna be done#im playing a game I no longer wanna play#I have no chips I have no bone in this#im just so done but im being forced to stay#I feel like im being half drowned#head just above water enough to keep me alive#otherwise im suffering n just want it to stop#im just so over it#anyway you want me baby that's the way you got me#I'd do anything to be filled with validation and peace and comfort and...just something to make the pain stop#my story's gonna end with me dead from your poison#what's the worst part of this hell?#I can only blame myself.#full of poison I'm sick of the poison#fillin up my glass but it's always hollow#im tired of thinking this doctor or this thing or this way of thinking is gonna fix things just for it to let me down#turning 25 just reminded me of all the times I had hope and it was for fucking nothing#I used to be a happy hopeful glass half full person#but im just fucking done#so many people have promised they wouldn't leave me and then they DO#WHY LIE TO ME#STOP LYING TO ME IF YOU DONT LOVE ME JUST LEAVE ME#so many people........all gone or just -barely- in my life by a string#I'm tired of being lied.......so many friends gone#i remember at age 13 a guy said he wouldn't talk to me unless o sent pictures so I did#i remember praying to God that he was 'the one'#...I'm such an idiot
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