#I'm shattered and it's pookies fault | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

azazelstays · 20 days

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A/N: Good day, pookies. I’ve decided it’s time to stop procrastinating. So here is my official tumblr debut! This is something I wrote a bit ago and didn’t cringe at three minutes later lol

Warnings: suicidal idealisation, angsty! But bittersweet if you’re deranged like me🫶🏻

Golden, it was.

I was young, it was a late afternoon, sunny and golden on lilac fields.

Your eyes were lavender. Everyone's were lavender but mine. Mine were black like coal. It wasn't my fault; I know that now. But back then it was a curse to me. I hated how my reflection bore the truth of my differences. How my eyes were just so different. Had I messed up in a previous life?

Was this an interference from a higher power disguised as gentle, when truly it was torture in form of society and her merciless ways?

I was contrasting, she didn't like that.

So, when I told my people I loved them, they scowled. Appalled. It happened time and time again. I stopped hoping. Learning quickly how she caused the people around me to cast me away, regard me with disgust, undisguised. No one would protect me. I knew that. I couldn't blame them either. Who knows for sure if I wouldn't have done the same if the roles were reversed.

Deep down I knew or hoped I wouldn't, but I didn't let it linger. It wasn't their fault.

You were known, famous even for your empathy. Everyone knew how much comfort you had to give, how much love you meant to spread. You made everything sound like it was okay, adorned every flaw until it became a jewel- and yet. I didn't believe it.

But then I heard you. I became weak and I let your words comfort me, shutting out the lingering voice of my heart warning me to be cautious. "Don't let them hurt us more", it said.

Oh, had I only listened to you, my poor soul.

When we first met, you looked into my eyes and without flinching, told me it was okay. I was fine. I wasn't that bad.

In that moment I thought your eyes were golden.

Our encounters became more frequent from that moment onward. We would meet once every seven days on the lilac field. Your words were soothing to my wounds and with time scars remained. The pleas of my heart quieting more.

I smiled. It felt weird. You laughed at my happy grimace and soon I laughed along.

You made me feel strong, like I could face anyone. Like their words just ricocheted off the golden rays our last meeting had left me with.

What was I without you? What was I before you? What was left without you?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

However, our next encounter came quicker, breaking the pattern we had carefully crafted. It wasn't at the field either and you didn't see me at first. You spoke with your back turned to me, with who must have been your acquaintances. So, I patiently waited.

"I hear you've been talking to beetle eyes."

The voice wasn't gentle like yours and my ears perched at the familiar nickname people had branded me with.

"Ah, yea. Whassat 'bout, eh?" Another scornful voice.

Your hand reached to the back of your head as you fiddled with a lock of your hair. A nervous habit you had.

"They aren't.." You started but were interrupted.

"Don't tell me you've actually grown a soft spot for that stray."

And I saw as your shoulder slumped the slightest bit with the repulsed tone. One you hadn't ever felt on yourself. One I was only too familiar with.

My heart stuttering in its beat, my eyes wide-

"What?!" you exclaimed; your voice though unsteady, equal in tone.

"I'm just messing with the reject, so what?"

-my heart broke, shattered. A tiny suppressed sob crawling out of my throat that felt impossibly tight.

What had come over me? Whatever possessed me to lower my guard to such an extent? I turned and I left, never looking back when I heard you call my name.

I've always loved shiny things. The sparkle, the brightness. The way it was so different from all the bland and mundane as it emerged effortlessly from the rubble. Golden. The way it made me feel powerless.

The way you made me feel inferior. How you looked at me sympathetically, gracious. As if I should feel honored by your presence in my vicinity. And I did. Until it wasn't. And I didn't.

Was it bad that I wanted to be gone? That this world felt so hurtful with the loathe I had for myself burning through my veins returning tenfold after your lies.

It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry.

You tried so hard to put up with someone like me. I hated myself for burdening your kind heart with a helpless case like myself. Every memory of the past at the field now left a bitterness on my tongue I couldn't will away. And I hated how I felt so hurt even though I had no right. I knew I should have been grateful for your effortful kindness instead of the pain that came with your revelation but it hurt so bad.

I felt overwhelmed, lightheaded.

"I want out."

I had begged toward the sky. I'm done, I'm tired, I whispered to the lovely lilac that now smelled of charred hope.

I wasn't their fault. It was me. It was always me. But no more.

No more me.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

//hope you enjoyed this a little! I’m new to this so any feedback is highly appreciated <3

~Azazel

#short story #writing #light angst #poetry #drabble #writerscommunity #new writers on tumblr #bittersweet #angst

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rosinbae · 10 months

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SORRY THIS IS LATE I WAS FIGHTING GOD EARLIER TODAY SO 😜 writing this as i read 🥶

''he remembers listening to hanbin console a concerned junghyun as he desperately covered his ears, trying to cover out any mention of y/n and his horrible state, too afraid to think about if he would even wake up the next day.'' so u want me to DIE

"i'm not gonna make it, taerae" he says, a sad smile coming to his face as he says those words. "it's not meant for me". excuse me, it is meant for u 🤓☝🏼

"i know that this is all i've been working for and giving up is horrible but at this point, there is nothing that'll make me debut". POOKIE DONT EVEN

''first our debut was canceled and then we get thrown into a stupid survival show and it's like wakeone is doing everything to prevent me from debuting'' R U READY TO DIE WAKEONE

((all of the following dialogue where y/n is like ''bro my ass is NOT making it'' is so angsty CAN U HEAR MY HEART SHATTER INTO A MILLION PIECES ISA WAS IT WORTH IT))

''y/n reaches for taerae's hand and simply places it on his cheek, wiping his own tears. "i wanted us to debut together, y/n" taerae mutters, and y/n gives a small hum.

"i'm so sorry" he mumbles, as if he's at fault for something. he wants to debut with taerae too, he promised him the first time they met that they would debut together somehow, even if the circumstances are weird.'' IM GONNA DIE this part specifically is so beautiful bc its like that one moment where they both accept the truth and WAKEONE U NEED TO DIE 🤬🤬🤬🤬 KYS WAKEONE

anwyays like usual im taking another bite off ur walls have a good day stay angsty and stay loving taerae 😜😜😜😜

I LOVE THESE LONG EXTENDED FEEDBACKS FULL OF YOUR FAVORITE LINES IT ALWAYS MAKES MY DAY 🤭

I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO DIE I WAS HALF ASLEEP WHEN I WROTE THIS I SWEAR‼️

#elif ily <33 #stay loving taerae exactly‼️

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