Worst Guy Ever - Also, Unfortunately, Very Homosexual Convo. (subtextually)

going through another round of "what if i got a cane would my life be easier with a cane should i get a cane" hmmmm

Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

The Hero of Time returns home.

(sort of)

Honestly almost forgot how much I loved reading books. I love the unfathomable amount of joy they give me. I love the little stifled half squeal half scream of delight that blocks my throat for a few moments when a part of the book makes me particularly laugh or smile at a joke or wholesome moment. And when I have to try my best not to let it escape my mouth so I don't screech out loud seemingly out of nowhere like a little kid at a McDonald's playground playing tag.

Been mulling over an intersection of experiences I had last week and coming to the conclusion that I want it to mean something and inspire me to action, I just don't know how.

We read a text in my Women, Gender, and Science class last week that discussed the gendered/sexual language that began to be used in botany around the time of Linnaeus, and I took the opportunity to point out that there was a lot of allo- and amatonormativity happening in the same descriptions. My professor seemed enthused to hear me talk about it, but even more significantly, one of the grad students in the class, who'd been furiously taking notes while I was talking, mentioned it was the first time she'd learned about the terms and seemed extremely interested in what I was pointing out. It felt validating to bring up an angle of discussion that's a product of my own very aromantic perspective and have someone else find it well-articulated and compelling enough to take an academic interest in my point.

--And then, a few hours later, leadership for the queer student group I'm in (which I have become involved with in an official capacity, so that included me) had to deal with an instance of arophobic harassment in our Discord server, prompted by an aspec person harmlessly venting about Valentine's Day things already feeling inescapable.

All this happened the same day I ran our group's student activities fair booth, and a day after I attended my first student government meeting after signing up for the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion committee -- and specifically an advocacy project related to LGBTQA+/BIPOC mental health needs on campus -- so it's not exactly like I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs when it comes to queer activism and advocacy. But broadening someone's horizons by explaining terms that affect me daily and witnessing an attack on an aspec person from within the community, in a space where I've never seen anything like that happen to someone who wasn't aro or ace, has me thinking complicated thoughts about how much work there is left to do when it comes to ace and aro advocacy specifically, and coming to the conclusion that while I have plenty of ideas for ways to be outspoken about my community's needs as a trans person these days, I have a lot fewer when it comes to my asexual and aromantic identities.

Something to keep thinking about, I guess, although I really do wish that caring deeply about aspec issues didn't feel so niche and lonely.

.

i hate posts that are supposed to be positivity for people who lack friends or that say that social connections are like unexpectedly inevitable/straightforward to make or something, but then like. don't elaborate on how that is possible. it always just makes me feel more hopeless

I'm getting sick of yelling at thieves and crackheads who come in the store stealing petty shit just to feul their drug habits to get out of the store, or having to deal with incompetent or fucking stupid ass customers bitching about why they can exchange an item even though it's past our policy rate.

The job doesn't even pay well working as a manager at the job I work at doesn't even pay even well why is the job next door to me paying like 16 bucks an hour as a manager but a store that is likely part of a grocery store is only paying me 14.25 and to be a key holder 15 bucks ?? Bullshit

I seriously need to get my ass in gear and start cranking out crafts for craft shows (and apply 😒) but my brain is like "no ❤" and my body is like "no 🖕" so idk man

i'm supposed to have blood tests in a couple of weeks and my brain has decided it is "cheating" at blood tests to be taking vitamin supplements now bc it'll make my blood look better than it is. as though that is not the whole point and if my blood looks bad they will not just give me vitamin supplements anyway. brain what

it's been hørny/yearning hours for a hot ass minute over here and I want to write something but I don't know w h a t

I really had the thought today “Wow I wish I had a poseable spider doll” rather than just

y’know

a spider

been seeing a few posts from various people about reading habits and actually. my opinion is if something gets you to read then it’s better than nothing at all. fanfiction? cool. stuff you read in middle school? cool. classics? cool. super serious adult fiction? cool. ya? cool. biographies? cool. guinness world records? cool. so long as you’re able to comprehend and process the works and critically think about what’s presented then who cares

Was it really leading you on if I also let you down? Or do you really just hate the idea of me being happy without you? /not at you

an update (not hockey related; cw for negative ideation, probably)

i'm officially debt free for the first time in my adult life. no more student loan, credit cards all paid off, no more car loan, medical debt paid off, housing stable, phone paid off, etc etc. i want to feel relieved. i want to feel grateful. i Am grateful. but i've never learned how to let myself enjoy a big thing without a lot of complicated feelings. in a sick way, i feel like i'm mourning more than i'm celebrating. i had to sell my house to get here. i turn 31 in a couple months and i still have no idea what 'career' i'm even aiming at. giving up my house & re-setting my 'career path' is a whole nother process of letting go of who i was clinging to being. a whole new cycle of figuring out who i want to be, what i want to do, knowing that things turn out ok but don't necessarily get easier.

i'm ok and surviving in a deeply broken and cruel society and i'm so mad that i can't Feel ok enough to make something better in a world that has been much kinder to me than it has been to so many others, people i've known and people i'll never know. it feels shitty to not be happy when i am doing so much better than maybe i 'deserve'. (i don't want to go into the fucked up concept of 'deserving' right now, but i could and maybe should eventually.) it feels shitty to be ok when so many people aren't. it's shitty and useless to everyone that i'm even thinking about this. i'm figuring out how to just accept, how not to make everything something i have to dissect, how to stop policing my own feelings and not even worry about them that much. i'm so fucking self-centered and i don't know what to do about it and it's still coming down to 'i feel' 'i am' 'i want' 'i ...' etc etc etc

Anyway, tomorrow i'm taking a day trip up to one of my fav art museums & parks a couple hours away and i'm gonna try to get tf over myself. and i hope y'all find something kind and fulfilling and beautiful that makes this world softer for you. i hope y'all forgive yourselves. i hope y'all are kind to yourselves. i hope i get there too.