#I'll be back to normal by like tomorrow
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Semi-ranty post (it's kinda long so I put a divider lol)
Y'all ever get so unbelievably angry that you feel like ripping out your own teeth using your bare hands? Or is that just me?
...
I have healthy ways of dealing with stress and anger; why do you ask?
Really is times like these when I realize that I have issues displaying and conveying my emotions.
Like I want to pull out my own hair (which I used to do and apparently that's not a good thing lol) and scream.
...
As bad as it is to say,
I wish I was normal.
Seriously hate how my brain functions.
(not trying to shit on the rest of the neurodivergent folks; please don't take it as that.)
(Also, just in case someone asks: I can't afford therapy so venting via socials is the best I've got... Since I don't talk to my parents about how I feel either.)
#sorry just needed to vent#I'll be back to normal by like tomorrow#I've just gotten so pissed so quick lately and I hate it#I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated by everything and I am sick of it lmao#even the holiday sucked#I don't even know how I feel tbh#and I am just sick of it lol#okay ill shut up now#sorry for the rant#and random thoughts#just needed to get this out#love y'all
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the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]
[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.
the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:
annoying
copies other people constantly
draws cute animals
arrogant
cries when told off
maybe 1 friend
the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:
anxious
listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively
bad under pressure
anime
writes bad fanfiction
draws bad fanart
the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:
what the HELL is a Self Esteem
really into 60s music
cries a lot
0 fashion sense
usually dissociating
thinkin about trees
the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:
still no self-esteem but medicated now
significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)
I haven't changed much to be honest
RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket
autism
end id.]
#artwork#two posts in two days what is happening to me. ive been possessed#i think i did a decent job at capturing my likeness this time around :-) i doubt i'll ever post another picture of myself here (sorry i am#a nervous creature now) so hopefully this will suffice. i kind of look like [gestures]#i really like patterns. and stripes especially. also brown. if you couldnt tell#i am actually doing much better recently! i had what i think in retrospect was a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago but i am ok now. all gud#it was very contextual i had just got myself into a very stressful situation and basically just self-destructed for a few days until it was#resolved. the resolution was very satisfactory though so im mostly back to normal now#also i started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and i think they have finally started working so i am in a much better place#than i have been for a while :-) yippee!#it's pretty neat to see how much my art style has changed too. i love using gouachey watercoloury brushes these days#anyway i hope you are all doing well my friends! it is my birthday tomorrow im going to be 8 million years old
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The day is gonna end soon so I just wanted to say a final thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday <3 Thank you all so so much! You've all really made today so special!
#pan rambles#Sorry for sounding like a broken record but it's true-agkdngkdfn#Seeing all the messages really brightened up my day and I really appreciate it ;v;#You're all very sweet and I can't thank you enough!#Also sorry for how long it might've taken me to answer some of the asks-#Afksnfkdnfkd I'm quite tired now! Today was busier than I expected it to be!#Doesn't help that I cried like mlre than once-afksnf#Contrary to the fact this is literally a blog about me being affectionate with fictional dudes-#I get very overwhelmed (in a good way) by affection quite quickly-afksnfkdb The right words and I'll be a sobbing mess#When a pal I've known for many years#(hehe I can gush about her here bc she doesn't follow this blog) said “Thank you for being a part of my life” I instantly started to cry#My gushing and thanking aside-I promise I'll be back to the usual stuff tomorrow!#I will be normal self ship blog again I prommy <3#Hope you all have a great night!!!
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I may be on day two of being stuck in bed thanks to some of the ✨worst back pain I've ever had in my life✨, but the neighbours are outside grilling, the window is open a bit, and it smells so fucking good. I'm not even hungry rn, but I am v much enjoying the second hand good food smells.
#text post#if im still not online much today the pain is why lmao#Housemate has been an absolute angel looking after me and helped me figure out it's nothing more serious#i just really befuckened my back 🙃#feeling a great deal better today than it did yesterday tho so I'm crossing my fingers I'll be back to normal by tomorrow#or at least as close to normal as possible lol#for today i am continuing the schedule of ibuprofen water edibles heating pad and naps on the wedge pillow#with the extra benefit of the neighbours grilling what must be something w/a nice marinade on it bc#like im not a big meat eater or bbq person at all but this smells so sweet and interesting that even im like 👀#...i might be slightly hungry actually but that's a win bc i was physically sick yesterday from this stupid knot in my back#and managed some nibbles yesterday but know i need to try and ramp that up today if possible#so grill away neighbours and help convince my stomach to nibble something later today
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Sometimes i feel useless and annoying
#//vent#my vent art is... normal sometimes like this one so okay to rb but idk might delete later or removing the tags#i use a lot the wilsons as confort ch actually#idk sometime i feel like i'm not that appreciated in the fandom idk despite my heart know it's wrong#i think it just bc i overthink about some tawog artists that i enjoyed giving support for months but they never interacted with me#and for one of them their art and cute doodles helped me in personal stuff + brought me back to tawog fandom#and i hoped to make them smile with my art but.. yeah they just... don't care after these months#I get sad and disappointed that now they art send just... /neg vibes so i unfollowed them#idk i just feel guit that i made them upset for... unknown reasons#sigh i should just don't care about that and keep to draw dor myself#cringy or not#i'm mostly an optimistic person but overthink a lot when i feel anxious haha#i'll be probably smile and enjoy life again tomorrow#if ppl wanna talk or sending cute ask ye you can#talking with ppl help me to confort so feel free
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#badfinger#carry on till tomorrow#hits a go go#1970#i rarely use captions on gifs because i always feel like i'll get a word wrong or mess it up#ANYWAY#i had to make these#because i love everything#i'm laughing at the way pete takes a step back in the first one#like he's on guard#ready to defend himself or something#poor pete and tom#their names forgotten#joey molland is now stoned molland#tom and mike are the only normal ones here#i love this band
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okay maybe the years-long severe depression was not defeated and maybe that sense of failure still lingers (no cranberries). but i sstay silly.
#scor’s rambling#clutching my head trying not to go back to my old ways of rotting on the couch and trying to accept that i have life ahead of me and. god#i feel like such a failure damn near everyday#though my struggles once reduced to the basics are very normal and expected and other people have gotten far in life with#the same or worse shit happening. im gonna be sick if i think of my future or even tomorrow hell . any more tonigjt#just have to remember i don't need a reason to exist and things will. be okay#like i try to convince myself i'll be fine if i don't actually graduate normally or something and that i can get a job that i'll be happy#with and i'll find an apartment or house and a partner and friends and my family will be better#and i won't have any depression or whatever else#and i won't be constantly going broke or homeless or staying at my parent's place and none of my family will be in danger
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Sorry to have been a bit quiet on Roman these last couple of weeks. Slowly but surely I’m getting over whatever funky mood I’d been in so thanks for being patient with me ~ ♡
#💀 ;; ooc#Not really sure what's been up lately#Haven't really felt like myself for a while but I shouldn't run away from my problems like that#Feeling a bit more like myself again so I'll give responses a try tomorrow or in the coming days since my schedule is back to normal for now#Not sure about a couple of weeks from now when the Coronation happens might be busy again#April is a bit of a gross month and spring in general nyeh#Hope you're all doing okay lovely people
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im literally incapable of setting small goals so i get sad when i dont accomplish them. theyre insane shit like "fully craft 12 songs as a self-taught musician playing every single instrument and recording entirely by yourself AND do it all within the span of three weeks." like BRO??? did I know I can just make one or two. its ok. hold my hands....
#but the problem is i get 75 percent done with one song and then im like already over it im like ok time for the next one#like bro....... CHILL#OR i'll like pour my life blood sweat and tears into some shit and then listen to it back and be like#mmm... derivative. mediocre. Simply Lackluster#what do I want from me!!!!!#its about the joy of creation. Bitch#thats literally my life philosophy why am i forgetting her when i need her most#tomorrow im locking myself in my room and im only allowed to work on one garagebandTM project file until its DONE#to the fullest extent that a DIY garageband song recorded on my laptop can be done#IDK IDK im used to going big or going home i dont know how to be normal when i had an assignment to make a comic i made it 100 pages#SELF INFLICTED#i have to turn normal now
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Just one time. I want my irl friends to treat me like a human being. Just one time. I don't want to be treated like I'm a doll that can't handle anything and that'll blow up anytime if they say the wrong thing. I don't want them to be scared of me. I don't want them to tiptoe around me. Just once. I don't even know how this all happened. All I ever do is smile and nod. I don't know why they're so careful around me. I don't know. I don't know.
#johnny's silly rambles#I'm having a hard time understanding humans okay i'll be back to normal tomorrow i prommi#it's just so confusing all of it is idk how I'm supposed to act to show them they don't have to do that#bc every time i actually do say sth that is more casual talk they look at me like i just came from heaven or sth idk#I DON'T KNOW i really don't I'm sorry i don't understand a thing
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The grind just never ends OT2
#luly talks#wip#i love posting shit here bc it helps me see things i won't otherwise#like how the torso looks a little squished does it? it'd do w a little expanding#we'd go for a stronger hourglass shape w a little back reinforcement#on the right. the left is covered already#my new lineart looks Bad btw ik bc i forgot what i was doing for the first 😭#i think i was doing the 1 pixel trick. maybe 2?#like there's always one of two i either go very small and build up or i go normal and shave off#i think i was going on the building up route#I'll revisit tomorrow#btw isn't the head good? <- what your mom hear yesterday#no but fr i worked hard and im pretty content ^_^#i fucked the belly up a little btw i know ill fix that tomorrow too though idk how exactly#still struggling w the outfit btw. idk what I'll do 😭
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Home is something Beatrice has grappled with. A word that sits on her tongue unyielding, it sours the inside of her mouth. The taste lingers and there is no reprieve for breathing. She does not care for a place in the world but something inside her needs it. The thought shames her, to need something so desperately. (To want on the brink of desperation and longing, to search for an answer only to be scorned tramples her heart). The need sweeps through her and she is helpless to do anything but let it pass. (And yet she cannot stop looking, she is not human but she hopes wildly like one).
#sneak peek at avatrice table au p2#TKO_writes#can't look at my screen with this pounding headache#it'll probably drop tomorrow when I decide to write instead of working on my abb#zzzzz#time to go to bed#like a normal person#is there actually plot to this?#no comment#they deserve a silly part 2#so i am delivering#and then i'll go back to writing my space au#3:
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nothing like waking up and immediately having horrible migraine aura followed by a horrible fckn migraine to just completely derail all the plans you had 😖
#last week was very very VERY stressful & busy and a lot of my day to day shit fell to the wayside#and yesterday was really good in terms of getting back to normal! I was like hell yeah crushin it!#and then I started getting the tell tale pre migraine headache last night and I was like I'll take meds to combat this now! try and prevent!#lot of good that did me! haven't had the aura shit in a while fckn doozy of a day had to scrap everything and crawl back into bed#feel slightly better? vision still isn't uhhhh... like I wouldn't drive rn lol but at least it's a little better#head is still fucked but it'll probably be that was until tomorrow#god I hate this I know it's from the massive weather change coming gonna rain for a week straight 😞#and because I'm so fckn old now AND have nerve damage my whole body is just FUCKED from going back to cold ass weather#I did find out today my brother and I experience different migraine auras though which was interesting#still can't wear my glasses tho so lmao def can't drive or do practically anything at all 🙃#just now able to look at my phone (only apps in dark mode fck u tumblr for being one of the only apps that has dark mode)#can't even brainstorm on fic which is killing me I can only sit like a potato and just exist#brain cannot imagine things only pound pound pound#erin explains it all
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Ah man just, the mental dissonance from touching grass a couple days and then coming back here
#need to think abt life stuff...#i mean i'll most likely be back to normal tomorrow. just having thoughtes#me rambles#delete later
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feeling like a total asshole today 👍
#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night#i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know#so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD#but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying#and i felt absolutely nothing#idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel#like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow#and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago#i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back#not right now#not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week#but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go#and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now#and all i can think about is that i'm anxious#i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know#i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it#bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has#but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality#why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain#like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings#i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it#i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it#i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)#is easier than talking in spanish#and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind#but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
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going back to my apartment tmrw. everything just feels kind of incorrect rn i cant describe it
#bella.txt#like ok my parents moved to be 3 hrs away from where they used to live#but my friends + my grandma r still where my parents used to live#so i have to choose btwn being w/ parents and my dogs or being w/ friends and grandma#and it's not like. a SHORT drive at all. 3 hrs on a good day w/ minimal traffic#+ it takes 7hrs to get from my parents to my apartment but only 4ish from my grandmas to my apartment#so i wanted to be.. over here.. before heading back to school#but idk things worked out so weirdly i only saw my one friend once and i missed her bday and i didnt see my other friend at all and i left#y parents and dogs earlier than i wanted and for no reason bc i didnt even go see anyone i just went to my grandma's immediately like#idk this probably sounds like it's not a big deal but i feel so weird i feel like i didnt plan right how to split my time#and now i'm leaving and idk when i'll be back#and i dont have to go tomorrow but i also. do? kind of? i dont know#kill my entire brain why cant i just think normally abt these things
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