Endlessly frustrated that I close my eyes and see nothing. No mental image. No imagination. Nothing. Just emptiness. I want to turn my writing into comic, to make more things, to create, to inspire, but my brain is broken and cannot translate written word into visuals. I can’t imagine a fucking apple. I can’t imagine a pose. I spend all my time looking at the world and references and trying trying trying because it’s just… blank. I’m so frustrated by my stupid limitations, that I open up even a doll posing software and I can’t frame anything because I Don’t Know How without existing reference.

I hate this.

let me tell you something trying to find lingerie as a fat person? like pretty, delicate lingerie? next to impossible. all i want is silk tap shorts and lace trimmed sheer chemises and diaphanous nightgowns in colors from sweet pastels to rich jewel tones. all we get is cheap, crunchy satin and rough lace designed to only be “good enough” because we don’t deserve the high end stuff. fat people can’t have shit.

.

It’s just one fucking kick in the guts after another I swear.

If life could just… not. That’d be great.

Found out that the person I trained to replace me… has been offered a really cool research position (when this city is her home town where all her network is and she already has a good job in our field here) by my ex masters supervisor. For a job in my home town, that I’ve made very clear I want to get back to for YEARS and am currently unemployed. I’m angry and frustrated and just devastated.

Especially after they offered me a job and then pulled the rug out from under me and offered it to someone else and I had to find out from a third party about it when they wouldn’t respond to my emails about the contract signing but that’s a whole other story…

Like just seriously WTF.

Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for this person and she is just as qualified for the position as me and is lovely and I wish her the best. But it just feels like such a kick in the teeth after everything else.

research could be so nice if it weren’t for the participants

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Argghhh I’m so frustrated. I want to explore my plurality even though it’s just some weird delusion (despite my constant doubt of it???) but I have no way to do so!!! I don’t know who’s there and I was never able to talk to them!!! God damnit!!!

my health insurance is now charging me $300 something. for what?! i didn’t even sign up for health insurance this time around and i was told benefits ended 1/1/24 so why do i have this huge ass bill? they better fix this bc i really can’t afford this rn jesus fucking christ i can’t even get a LITTLE bit ahead. ever.

Why must everything be so fucking difficult I don’t get it at all

I don’t get why my dad is so hell bent on not letting me know how much he earns??

The fuck is he afraid of?? That I’ll ask to borrow money? Oh no wait he does that

I want to put my head through a wall

One of my classes got changed from 2 credit to one so now I’m not a full time student

So they only gave me $54 in finical aid

They are still charging me over $2000 like they were originally when it was 2 credits (plus the other 10 credits worth if classes)

And they said there is no 1 credit classes I could tack on to make me full time

For fucks sake how does a left wing movement keep making room for the far fucking right.

You have to be shitting me because I didn’t want this fucking phone I the first place

My friend texted me two statements neither of which are revolutionary to me and is now mad for some fucking reason as if she was the one who was hung up on after talking for ten minutes

unfollowing and blocking left right and center because y’all can’t do something as simple as boycotting and leaving your shitty shows at the door

buddie + sharing looks part 2 (p1)