Part of me really doesn’t know if I’ll ever go back to school after my MA and try for my doctorate, because with undiagnosed bullshit and burnout, I don’t know how realistically I could manage a PhD program, and I know the academic hiring market is kind of shit.

But on the other hand…. Part of that is why I would like to go into academia. I don’t know what the fuck is up with my symptoms, but I do also know that things like ADHD and PMDD have been a struggle for me (especially before I was diagnosed) and I know of so many disabled and chronically ill students who are so bright and creative and intelligent but struggle because they’re in a system that (like so many of our institutions) is not built for disabled people.

I don’t think it would be easy to rework those things or that I as one person could fix higher education as a whole… but if I ever become a professor, I want so badly to work to make my courses and grading system flexible and accessible in a way that lets different students with varying needs thrive. I spent too much of my undergraduate career floundering because I didn’t know how to ask for help, and even as someone who has disability accommodations in my masters program, I know there are plenty of concerns about how available accommodations fall short. Disabled and chronically ill students shouldn’t have to do so much extra work educating others and fighting to be accommodated when it takes so much for them to just get by some days.

I’m just rambling and thinking out loud, but if I get to a place in my life where a phd and/or a position at a university seem like reasonable, concrete goals… I really really hope I can be an advocate for my students and give them an environment that lets them thrive and learn. I think so often of the faculty members who were real allies to me when I was struggling, and I don’t think I would’ve made it through my BA without them. I hope if i ever become a professor, I can be that sort of person for students.