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eikotheblue · 7 years

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Darkness and Silence (on Aphantasia)

(This is an effortpost about my experiences with my self-diagnosed Aphantasia. While I believe everything that I’m saying and the personal stories are all accurate, I’ve not been formally diagnosed, the condition is understudied, and introspection is hard. It’s also very long, especially past the readmore.)

For me, one of the most obvious and powerful ideas in LW-rationalism is the typical mind fallacy, or the (often mistaken) belief that other people’s internal experiences are similar to yours when presented with the same stimuli. Reading that sentence really doesn’t convey how big of a deal this is, but I don’t think more words from me can do really do it justice; consider instead reading this post and the comments for a small glimpse into how different brains and experiences can be.

When I first read that post, the thing I thought of immediately was smell. I’ve never had a sense of smell that produces anything that looks like meaningful input, and until I was about 13 or so I just assumed that nobody could smell much of anything, or that I’d never been exposed to a strong scent. (Then I encountered Axe, and realized there was a stimuli that really was invisible to me). I could talk a lot about lack of smell, but not in this post, because while that was the first atypical mind characteristic I identified in myself, it is far less impactful than Aphantasia.

Aphantasia is described as “a condition where one does not possess a functioning mind's eye and cannot visualize imagery”. This describes my life experiences very well: I cannot recall or construct mental imagery, even slightly. To demonstrate this, I usually ask people to close their eyes and imagine a square. (Feel free to do so now, and lock the image in your head if you wish). I then ask questions like “What color is the square?” “What color is the background?” “How big is it, relative to your field of view?”, and people generate answers based on the square they imagined. I am always fascinated by these responses; if you perform the experiment and reblog, I’d love to see (either in reblog text or tags) the details of your square.

There is no square in my head. If you ask me to imagine a square, I see no image, only the concept of a 4-sided regular polygon. If you then ask me “what color it is”, I can pick a color at random (or one of my favorites), but the true answer is “None”; there’s no square to have a color. My thoughts and memories exist only as text, with webs of association and observation attached. If I’m asked to remember what something looked like, all that I can retrieve is thoughts that describe the thing I’ve seen, or facts that I know about it, if any.

Observant readers might notice that while the title of this post is “Darkness and Silence”, so far all that’s been discussed is the inability to visualize. Something that I hadn’t realized until very recently is that Aphantasia is more general than the name implies, at least for me (and others online by anecdote). I can’t directly recall any sensory input from memory, or create sensory input-like experiences ex nihilo. I can’t imagine or recall any sound, taste, touch, or even pain, all of which I have heard other people tell me they can do. From my point of view, it feels unbelievable and incredible that people can do this, and it is hard not to be jealous of that ability. Inside my head, it is dark, silent, still.

Aphantasia is not an inability to receive sensory input: i can still see/hear/etc, and describe what i’m experiencing. It is also not the inability to store sensory input at all, because I can recognize things that I’ve heard and seen before, and after recognizing them I can access details that I wouldn’t have been able to before (this comes up most often in music and other time-component experiences). Additionally, I can dream, and my dreams include images that I saw while awake, which means that the information is stored, just not directly retrievable. My dreams are all very visual, and have other sensory components as well. However, memory of the contents of dreams evaporate almost immediately: since I’m not awake to fully process what I’m seeing, all that gets ‘stored’ is fleeting bits of information, and the emotional state it ended in.

According to the data I’ve seen (which was of limited quality, since Aphantasia is very understudied), visualization and image recall ability vary a great deal from person to person: eidetic or “photographic” memory at the high end, and Aphantasia at the very other. The only place I’ve seen offering stats suggests that the incidence rate is around 2-5%, but the actual numbers could be very different: if I had read slightly different blogs or made slightly different friends, I never would have known!

Going through life without noticing that you have Aphantasia is incredibly easy: people have been doing it for probably longer than recorded history. There just isn’t a lot of evidence that would cause the casual observer to notice the problem: it’s really easy to excuse descriptions of a “mind’s eye” or discussions of visualization as flowery descriptions of the Aphantasia-equivalent skills that fill the gaps, and to just assume that the other variances are just weird quirks, because they don’t feel connected; without the central problem pointed out, it’s just an unlinked set of “things I appear to suck at”.

For me, the biggest observable was memory, and particularly what I called “raw memorization” growing up. I am good at remembering things I understand conceptually, but there are times when information (a chart, dates, a list of names in order, a paragraph of text) just needs to be stored for recall. I am terrible at this! I can manage, if the information is in the form of bindable text (Examples of bindable text are hard to give: a catchy phrase or good song lyrics are bindable, but a list of names and dates are not). If I need to memorize a chart or set of data I don’t get conceptual links from, I don’t really have a long-term solution. In school, I would design a compression system to convert the information into a sentence, reread the sentence over and over right before the test, and write it down as the test started. Then I’d (hopefully) remember my decompression, and manually draw out the info I need.

I was always quick to take pride in my mental abilities, so when I realized that I was extremely bad at memorization, I tried to learn to train it. And what I found was... advice on memory palaces, a technique for mapping specific memories to specific parts of an imaginary landscape. There were a lot of variations on this, but everything I read basically boiled down to “Step 1. Unfold your wings. Step 2. Practice flapping until you’ve built up enough muscle to fly”; the basic ability required to use the technique was something that it is literally impossible for my brain to do.

And, weirdly enough, this still wasn’t enough evidence to make me figure it out. I got angry and frustrated with advice like this, and eventually quit bitterly, concluding that it was snake oil stuff, or memorization couldn’t really be taught meaningfully, but there were people who were very good at it and thought they could teach it. I gave up on improving and (for the most part) avoided classes and situations where that kind of memorization would be a necessary skill. It took me reading about the original experiment to even consider that I might have it, and over two year’s worth of idle thoughts, research, and conversations with ordinary people about their sensory recall for me to really start to understand just how different (and... diminished) my experiences are.

Aphantasia impacts my life in several ways, almost all of them negatively. I can’t conjure up stimuli to stave off boredom, or crowd out intrusive thoughts. I can’t listen to music in my head (though i can hum or sing it subvocally). I can’t compare 2 images without seeing them side by side. It takes me a lot of exposure to learn enough about a face to describe it, or tell it apart from a similar one. I won’t remember licence plates, too many different passwords, or the birthdays and ages of the people I care about. I get lost very easily, and can’t remember directions well, or make adjustments that deviate meaningfully from the path. Without GPS, I will frequently take a route that is 5 or 10 minutes longer if the alternative is something less familiar or easier to miss turns on.

Gaming is an important part of my life, and Aphantasia does not spare me there, either. It’s easy for me to get hopelessly lost in any game without a good map or obvious landmarks/anchors; I get turned around and spend a lot of time backtracking. Being attacked by something I’m not looking at is terrifying; while I do have object permanence, I can’t visualize my surroundings or keep track of positions that I can’t see. This experience is awful enough that I will almost never play games that regularly cause it. (Overwatch and other pvp shooters, but also many types of single player horror games). Being unable to recall images also poses problems in myst style adventure or puzzle games, although screenshots are a good way to cheat at this.

To be fair to Aphantasia, there are times that being unable to recall stimulus is useful. I am extremely visually squeamish on several axes (gore, blood, disfigured people, distorted / warped visuals of people), and this would be a much bigger problem if I could recall that kind of image. Similarly, I can’t get songs stuck in my head; until a few days ago, I hadn’t really understood what it meant to have a song stuck in your head. Idle thoughts often remind me of a note progression that i then hum out or think about, but this never really bothered me that much, and I had been lowkey confused about how much it appeared to bother other people, until I learned it was a completely different experience for them. And lastly, the details of my nightmares quickly fade, which limits how upsetting they can be.

But I won’t end on that note, because it would feel like lying. I hate Aphantasia. I hate that my brain is so broken. I hate that I can’t do these things that are so basic for so many people. I hate that I’ll never be able to develop these skills or experience these things. but more than anything, i hate being trapped in my head nothing but my thoughts; i hate that all that it is to be me is a fragile flow of words on a backdrop of terrifying emptiness, of darkness and silence.

#effortpost #aphantasia #original acid dream do not steal #neurodiversity #typical mind fallacy #longpost #sorry this isn't like great #but it was really hard to write and something that matters a lot to me #i hope it's interesting enough to be worth the read #and sorry about the negativity especially at the end #but this is not a part of me i will celebrate #not even ironically like ADHD #because there's no cure #it's just something i can't do that i wish i could

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ralphmorgan-blog1 · 6 years

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How To Finally Get Over Your Ex

He doesn't have to be an actual ex-boyfriend to have fucked with your head.

Whether you've just gotten out of a real relationship or a pseudo one, you still committed your thoughts to one person. And now that it's over, your thoughts naturally must go elsewhere.

Sure, you have an uncanny ability to talk at length about this season's Essie colors, or whether Kourtney and Scott's love for one another is eternal, but your mind will eventually find its way back to the guy you couldn't stop thinking about a week—or even a month—ago.

But you have to stop thinking about him before you can let yourself start thinking about someone else (besides yourself, obviously).

“Power is being told you're not loved and not being destroyed by it.” —Madonna

If you had it easy and had actual closure to your relationship, all you really have to do is wait. Time, Netflix and SoulCycle heal all wounds. Embrace them.

Keep reminding yourself that your breakup was for the best, and that even though life sucks right now, it will be so much better later on when your mind is clear of your ex, and onto better things like the hot guy you're hooking up with or the new Chanel bag your mom got you for Christmas.

The real way to get over someone you have been under for so long is to find ways to stop thinking about him. But when you do find your mind wandering into ex territory, which typically happens when your phone dies or when the Brazilian-wax technician isn't particularly talkative that day, just let yourself go there.

Allow yourself to feel sad about the situation, that you miss him, you miss having a boyfriend, blah fucking blah. A little sadness is normal, lean into it for a few minutes.

The Boyfriend Mourning Formula

Dated under a year: (The amount you liked him from a scale 0-5) x [0.5 (months you dated)] = weeks to get over him.

Example: You fell out of love. So you're basically over it. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. Congrats, Betch, you're ready to move on.

Second Example: You were together for nine months, you loved him and he broke your heart. 5x[.5(9)]=22.5 weeks, or 5–6 months. Remember this is a maximum. If you take longer than this, spare your friends the agony and seek professional help. Please.

One to three years: You have six months to one year. You're allowed one month to wallow in your own self-pity, but that's it. Use the rest of this time of mourning to get back to your old self.

Over three years: You have one year and that's it. Okay MAYBE one and a half depending on the dramatic nature of the breakup. Just remember, Botox can't stop your eggs from aging.

But don't ever pity yourself. You are not hopeless; you will bounce back to your normal self. Allow yourself those few minutes of sadness, but then snap out of it. Remember that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Don't forget, you're a betch. Don't make us look bad.

Eventually the sadness will subside and you'll be able to think clearly. Make it a point to go out when you would have typically stayed in with him. If you had a favorite restaurant at which you two always ate, go find an even better restaurant and make a fucking new memory with your besties.

Fuck, we feel like sad pathetic losers even writing this. But it's fine, because being depressed over a guy is a super pathetic sad and loser-y state to be in. Once you are able to look back and laugh at just how sad and pathetic you were during those long weeks or months (hopefully not years, time is the only thing you can't ever get back), then congrats because you are so over it.

Other signs you are over it: Hearing his name and not getting a weird nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. Good sign. Seeing him in public without peeing your pants. Another good sign.

You may also be over it if you go on a date with someone and not once even think of your ex. But by date, we don't mean a one-night stand.

Sure, go out and have sex with a stranger, we don't discourage it. But don't assume that just because you fucked someone else, you're through the mourning process. Fuck for yourself, don't do it out of revenge or sadness. Because eventually the sex will end (probably too quickly), and you will go back to the rut from which you came (or more likely, didn't come).

However, if you didn't have closure to your relationship, that's an entirely different fucked-up playing field. This guy either ghosted you or never really gave you a concise, believable answer as to why he ended things.

When this happens, you have to make your own closure, which is about as easy and exciting as a juice cleanse or having a conversation with a cabdriver. Lucky for you, we have a handy guide for you to get over this loser.

The name of the game is replay, reconsider and repeat. (Yes, it's a play on lather, rinse, repeat.) Unless you're dirty AF, the goal of a hair-shower (not to be confused with a body-shower, which you should do daily) is to get rid of the dirt and oils that have accumulated on your scalp and hair throughout the day(s).

Now think of that dirt you're removing like the guy you're seeing. If you can get rid of him with just one rinse, congrats. But if you can't, keep repeating, Betch. He's bound to get out of your hair eventually.

Step One: Replay

Replay the relationship in your head. But instead of looking at it from your biased and slightly fantasized perspective, look at it from his. Don't be too hard on yourself, but imagine what he was thinking during each conversation or situation that you think may have taken part in your relationship's demise.

When you were saying, “I'm having a birthday party Saturday, you should stop by if you want,” is it possible he heard, “I want you to meet all my friends and celebrate a life milestone with me, and I'm just tricking you into a relationship?"

Step Two: Reconsider

Now that you've seen his perspective, it's time to be realistic and reconsider the situation. Delve deeper into what the actual truth of each situation is. Only then will you uncover what was actually wrong with the relationship and your communication.

Here, even though it hurts, try to be as real as you can. Maybe after some consideration you realized that you didn't really know him, and he didn't know you at all. You even asked your friends what they thought of him and they're like, What's he look like again? Perhaps you were obsessed with the idea of him and not actually him. You know that saying that goes “there's your side, his side, and the truth?"

Well the goal of this process is to see the truth. You're not a 45-year-old alcoholic homemaker from the 1950s; you don't need to lie to yourself.

Step Three: Repeat

Repeat this until you come to the inevitable conclusion that you two just weren't right for each other and, more important, he wasn't right for you.

So whatever happened during whatever period of time you were dating eventually ends up irrelevant, and you accept the fact that you don't even need to hear his side of the story because your version is about one billion times more profound than any bullshit he will have to say.

You're a betch, so you're pretty fucking smart, or at least smart enough to figure out that guys are pretty fucking stupid. As long as your reasoning isn't entirely delusional (again, lying to yourself isn't cute and is instead marginally psychotic), then you'll be able to get over him 100 percent of the time.

Unless he like, died—then take comfort in the fact that at least you weren't dumped and like, see a real therapist.

What Would Karen Do?

The complete opposite. She will use this time to dwell on how perfect his jawline is while rereading every text conversation the two of them ever had. She will then Google “how to hack into Snapchat's database to recover selfies of ex-boyfriend.”

After she sees Results Not Found, she will continue to talk about him until her friends kindly tell her to stop bitching about that bro, he was an asshole and never liked you.

She will storm away, feeling offended and over it for about five minutes. When she gets home, she'll troll Tinder until she finds him, will take a screenshot, send it to him and say, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MOVED ON SO FAST. DIDN'T I MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!?!?

He will not respond. She'll think, he prob just didn't get the text.

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