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goodmode · 2 years

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For the anonymous admissions: Even though it feels better than calling myself cis, I'm still not completely comfortable with identifying nonbinary because I don't want to get top surgery or change my name. I feel like I've seen people say really terrible things about trans/nonbinary people who don't want to get surgery, and im honestly kind of scared of telling people about my identity because I'm worried they'll think I'm not actually nonbinary, or that i don't deserve to call myself that because I don't really have a lot of dysphoria. :(

i'm still debating surgery myself! do i want to get rid of the tits - or would i just be doing it for other people's perception of me? and thus: would i just be doing it for other people? which is not a good reason to do anything.

i think these things take a LOT of thought. more than anyone tells you it takes, because most of that thought happens very privately, after 5pm, drinking a beverage, and doesn't get documented or posted on public socials. going into nonbinary gender is easy. then deciding what you may or may not actually want to do about it is... very very hard

it's probably been over 10 years since i made the uneasy step into calling myself they/them and admitting i'm "probably nonbinary" and then committing fully to the idea that i am Definitely Not A Gender. and i'm still very unsure of whether i want to get any surgery done.

but i'm 29, i have like the rest of the century (health permitting) to make that choice. my family are still around and i think that affects my decisionmaking too. maybe i'll make the decision in a couple of years and go "alright let's get these bad bitches lopped off like an expensive haircut and i'll Feel So Much Better". maybe i won't. maybe i'll decide it when i'm 80 and have nothing left to lose, and i'll get to be some batshit powerful titless old person wrinkling around flashing my bare-but-legal titscar chest.

maybe i will find someday that actually i'm comfortable enough with the tits? and just never get any surgery.

i'm still nonbinary though. i still have no gender. my tits aren't gendered and VERY OFTEN i have to loudly remind myself of this. a lot of trans men have tits too, they're not women either. that helps me a lot. and intersex people too

i only changed my name to something that sounds very similar to my birthname so i don't have to remember anything new because i'm a dumb cat who responds just as well to "Beans" as i do to "Sheen" or "Peepee". know what i mean. but my birthname isn't exactly dead because... i grew up with that, that's a little part of me still, my family still calls me that. (it's still on my official documents too. so i have to keep informing employers etc that I Don't Go By That Now. Please Call Me This Instead. a lot of them are very understanding now luckily!)

i only get a weird feeling about the things that i have to deal with often, i.e. tits that stick out on my body so that other people can see them.

my inner personal debate is usually about whether it's worth it to get rid of them - it's not like i'll be using them, i don't want children, they don't contribute to my body image either, i don't care that much about them, etc etc. but am i doing it for me, or for other people?

i think that's a question a lot of people are still addressing very privately. i'm happy to talk about mine because i personally am very Open About The Transgenderism, The No Gender, And The Tits. but a lot of people are much more private about this, so remember you may not always hear the voices of people who are having the same struggle! but they're definitely out there.

i guess what i'm saying is: there is plenty plenty PLENTY of time to make this choice. whatever choice you make should be for YOU and only for you. but separating how you feel about yourself, from how you feel about others' perception of you, is a very important thing to think about, and it may take you a very long time! in the meantime, try not to dwell on it. events and times and media will come along that will help you to suddenly make progress on that inner debate. but there really is no rush to make a decision until you're sure, and that isn't a hurry itself.

hope that helps somehow! i'm baring a lot of myself to write this

#gmask #gmtxt #gm smacks of gender #anonymous

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missymurphy1985 · 3 years

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Nobody's Perfect (part8)

Warnings - injury / surgery / smut

Also - I have zero medical training so if I've got something wrong, please let me know!!

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @ntmynouis @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @noctvrnalmoth @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers

You arrived at the hospital with Cillian's parents and a nurse ushered you into a private room. Sitting the three of you down, she took a deep breath, making you nervous.

"He had a seizure around an hour ago. He's been taken down for surgery again, we'll know more afterwards. It looks like a ruptured spleen, it could have been a stray fragment of glass or the sheer blunt force of the stabbing, we can't tell just yet. It's a significant bleed into his abdominal cavity, Mrs Murphy we need to perform a blood transfusion." His mum started to cry, his Dad holding her. You just felt sick.

"How long before he's out of surgery? Will he be okay?" You asked, shakily.

"We don't know yet. Once he's out of surgery we'll know more, but for now.. it could go either way. I'm so sorry..." You took the nurses hand and squeezed it, thanking her. You could see her welling up a little too.

It had been hours. How many, you didn't know but the sun was up before you knew any more. You were waiting in the hallway on the phone to your mum when the double doors behind you opened. You saw the trolley being pushed through, with nurses either side, and a body covered in wires and tubes. You choked when you saw his Peaky haircut under it all.

"Mum he's back from surgery.. I'll call you later okay? Love you.."

You desperately wanted to follow him into the room but you held back, instead going into where his mum and dad were waiting. It was then, you burst into tears. His Dad stood and wrapped his arms round you.

"Stop trying to be strong in front of us y/n..."

"This is all my fault... All of it..." His dad squeezed you tight and shook his head.

"I'll hear no more of that, understood?" He was stern, but still gentle with it. The doctor came into the room.

"He's okay for now. We've sedated him to allow his body to recover. His spleen ruptured and bled out into his abdominal cavity. Luckily we've managed to stop the bleeding and save his spleen. He's had a significant blood loss, so we've given him a transfusion. He'll be out of it for a few hours, but you're welcome to come see him." The three of you walked through the doors into his room and his mum was beside herself.

She took his hand, careful of the cannula, and held it. His dad squeezed his eldest son's shoulder. You stood at the foot of the bed, watching the love of your life lie still, wires in him, a mask over his face, machines beeping everywhere, a massive bandage around his middle.

"I'll call his sisters and brother.. let them know what happened?" You asked his mum, before his dad turned to you and shook his head. You felt useless, you needed to be doing something.

"No, I'll call them. You stay here with him. Talk to him - he can hear you."

"How do you know?"

"He's squeezed my hand a couple of times. He knows we're here. Just too tired to wake up yet."

He left the room to make the calls, and you took his hand, kissing his head lightly. His dad was right, he squeezed your hand a little.

"Hey you... You trying to scare me away again? No chance Murphy, I'm not going anywhere." Another gentle squeeze.

You knew he wouldn't wake up for a while, but you were happy to wait, just talking to him. Even the Peaky cast had sent video messages so you could play them to him.

You were dozing in the chair, exhausted from no sleep for what felt like days, when he woke up.

"Y/n...." You'd never woken up so quickly. Instantly you were by his side and you pressed the button for a nurse.

"Right here, I'm right here. It's okay.."

"Did I get hit by a truck?" He smiled. The nurse came in and removed the mask from his face. Checking over everything as you stood back. Once she'd finished, you took your phone out to call his parents. They'd headed home to feed the dogs and get some sleep. Hanging up, you kissed his lips gently.

"Stop trying to scare me away Murphy..."

"I'm getting out of here and you and I are going away. Somewhere just us, yeah?" You nodded, unable to form words. Your tears slipping down your cheeks as he brushed them away with his hand, his own eyes watering a little.

*************************************************************

He was in hospital for a week recovering, then another week at his mum's being fussed over and interviewed by police about the stabbing. You were now at his holiday home in Kerry, a full month after Silé's wedding, relaxing on the patio in the warm July sunshine. You'd arrived a week earlier, and had no plans to leave any time soon. Your family had even sent get well cards and gifts through the post for him, even though they hadn't even met him yet.

You got off the phone to Orla as Cillian came outside. Still limping a little but getting stronger every day. The sea air definitely helping.

"Liane's been charged. Attempted murder, Cill."

"She came very fucking close y/n."

You watched him sit in the lounger next to you and he took your hand in his, interlocking your fingers and leaning back.

"The press are going wild. They've found out everything - Liane having Mark's baby, the stabbing, and us. They're desperate for a statement, my agent keeps calling me."

"They can wait. I'm alive, that's all they need to know. The rest of it isn't important. Come here.." he pulled you to sit across his legs. You hesitated before you sat down but he nodded and you relaxed a little. You could feel his erection under your shorts and he pulled you closer to kiss him.

"How long has it been?"

"Long enough... You sure you're okay?"

"Shut up y/l/n and ride me..." You didn't need any further encouragement, and your shorts were off followed by his, discarded on the floor next to you. His hard cock, already leaking, sprung up against his stomach, the scar across it already healing well.

"No one can see us out here, right?" You asked, suddenly remembering your neighbours.

"I don't care if they can.." you lifted your body over his and sunk down on him easily - you'd been aching for him for a month, hesitant to initiate anything in case you hurt him, but he'd clearly been aching for you too, his hands on your hips moving you up and down his shaft.

"Fuck... I missed this...." He groaned, finding your lips with his before you leaned back and rocked against him slowly.

He found your clit with his thumb and rubbed circles over it, making you squirm against him and grind quicker. This wasn't going to last long, both of you knew it, he needed you to come and quickly. He brought your hand down to rub yourself as his hands rested on your waist again, rocking you faster against him. He wanted desperately to pound up into you but the discomfort in his stomach stopped him, allowing you to take the lead.

"I'm close..." You whimpered, a powerful orgasm building in your stomach, before throwing your head back and panting his name as you came over him.

"I'm gonna come... Y/n...." His release quickly followed, hot streams of cum flowing into you in bursts, leaking out onto his thighs. You rested your head on his, both catching your breath.

"When did you stop taking the pill?" He asked.

"Two weeks ago..."

"That did it, I've got a good feeling."

"Quite possibly Mr Murphy..."

"You sure you want this? It's not too soon?"

"I think we've gone well past the 'too soon' part of our relationship, don't you think?" You laughed.

"Very true. You're going to look incredible with my baby inside you..." His hands found your belly and he rubbed it gently, making your heart flutter.

"Love you..."

"Love you more."

********************************************************

Six months later

"I'm sorry, Mr Murphy, the chances of you conceiving naturally are extremely low." The doctors words cut him like a knife. His head fell back and he unclasped your hand to run it over his face. You both knew there was a potential problem - after all, he'd be been trying for a baby with Liane for years without any success, so there was always the possibility he would struggle with you too. He didn't want to wait a year to find out, so he'd paid for a private sperm count test.

"We do have a few options here though," the doctor spoke again. Cillian looked to you, you nodded in return.

"Cill, it's okay. We prepared for this, didn't we?" You took his hand again and looked back at the doctor.

"We have IVF, as many rounds as you need. I have leaflets on how it'll all work right here." Cillian took the leaflets and shook the doctors hand, before walking out of the room. You apologised and thanked the doctor before chasing Cillian down the hall.

"Stop, for god's sake!" You shouted, making him pause and turn to you.

"It's one thing thinking there's a problem y/n, it's something else entirely to have it confirmed..." He leaned against the wall and looked at the IVF leaflets. "What if it doesn't work?"

"We have to at least try, don't we?" You took his face in your hands and pulled him in to kiss him. "We'll make a father out of you yet, Cillian Murphy."

#cillian smut #cillian murphy #cillian x fem!reader #cillian murphy x reader

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