So I've been thinking lately about how Mithrun is Kabru's dark mirror (more on that another time- it needs its own post), and I thought it interesting that one of their parallels is that they were both cared for by Milsiril, but in opposite directions. She took Kabru in as her foster after he was orphaned and tried to convince him not to become an adventurer. On the flip side, she helped rehabilitate Mithrun specifically so that he could rejoin the Canaries.

And I kept wondering: why?

For Kabru, obviously she loves him a whole lot- despite any other shortcomings in their relationship, I do believe that.

So I get why she tries to convince him not to go dungeoning, and, failing that, at least prepares him as thoroughly as she can.

But why help Mithrun? She used to hate Mithrun, but after realizing what a secretly twisted person he was, she actually thought of him more positively (oh, Milsiril). So it wasn't as if she held the kind of grudge that might motivate her to make his already-depleted life even more miserable by sending him back to the dungeons. And it wasn't that she felt bad for him either, since she didn't visit Mithrun for the first ~20 years of his recovery.

The Adventurer's Bible says that Utaya was the impetus for Mithrun returning to the Canaries, but Milsiril is the one who made the trip to see him and tell him about it.

Why would Milsiril work so hard to get her old coworker back into fighting fit? Why encourage him to return to such a dangerous lifestyle, when she was the one who chose not to mercy-kill him?

That last panel is such a crazy thing to hint at and then never elaborate on. Without it we could have just thought that Milsiril wanted the Canaries' work to continue without her, even if it seemed out of character. I think some people even assume she's just a natural caretaker as a foster mom and handwave it to include nursing Mithrun too. What could Milsiril's suspicious motives be? What does she gain from Mithrun joining the Canaries that isn't an altruistic desire to see dungeons safely sealed? Feeling a sense of responsibility for the work she left behind isn't an ulterior motive.

My theory is: Milsiril, knowing that Mithrun was empty save for the burning desire to face the demon again, wound him up like a clockwork doll and pointed him back at the dungeons.

Hoping that he'd eliminate the biggest threat to Kabru's life, before it was too late for him.

Milsiril the puppetmaster.

if you're still doing it top 5 relationships... can be romantic platonic family etc

I'll be assuming you mean among animanga characters!

whatever is going on between matrioshka and mister 5 protagonist of the manga that bears his name. a friend of mine who's better with words described them as simultaneously acting like old friends of several decades and like a couple on a honeymoon. they're clearly fond of each other yet by nature do not express it in ways that are socially normal, both being distant and rather asocial people in the middle of serious geopolitical bloody drama; but neither care about that and are fine just chilling and trust each other with infinite amounts of personal space. the concept of a normal (ish) human person in a mutual loving relationship with someone bearing a level of intelligence and perception that is so inhumanely high that their take on life is fundamentally unrelatable for other human beings is so so good. I don't have to wish them the best they got their happy ending fucking off in the moebius desert to raise a kid

custas and dagda 😢 cus describing their relationship is what got me to love both of them so much in the first place..."he's not my dad but he's family [...] He's a really great guy, he's too nice" vs dagda seeing him as his son because he taught him what he knew, but being surprised custas sees him as family regardless. very heartfelt and bittersweet. I do like found families and this one is a good example of a very loving one that does not fit in the mold of a nuclear family fandom is so obsessed about. they're both flawed people with a rocky relationship but who genuinely love each other so they don't mind those bumps in the road...

the kazukabes from dorohedoro. what did i just say about a human being and a greater form of consciousness being in love? but this time they're both retirement age and also huge freaks. the stage of romantic love where it's been so long it's mostly just commitment and lovingly held up routine that remain is my favorite but this is dorohedoro that we're talking about so they're batshit on top of it all. when he violently dies and she pulls out his dismembered hand to hold it to say she loves him? peak romance. when he talks about how she burns people in hell with fondness that freaks out his colleagues at the coffee break? peak romance. when he's all flustered bc she opened her back to hide him in her innards? peak r- you get it

it's hard to pick a favorite relationship in dungeon meshi because they're so well written, but i really like laios and farlyn's unspoken complicity in being siblings born to parents who did not give either a happy childhood; chilchuck immediately noticing and taking into his own disgruntled hands the teenage moody callousness of izutsumi and protecting her emotionally without overstepping her boundaries because goddamn that's a man who's raised four teenage daughters and knows what to do; kabru and rin being childhood friends who both survived similar traumatic events and grew up into an introverted stuck up discreet mess and a master of emotional manipulation with unmatched shrewdness for analyzing human behavior who yet is completely blind of how in love she is of him

the unique flavor of genuine love, codependency and mutual mental health issues ping-pong between black and white. white's little speech about their relationship defined as "i'm missing some screws but i got all the screws he needs" is one of my favorite scenes especially in the film. their relationship and its duality is a major focus of the story so i could go off for pages but it's interesting how one is mentally disabled yet very emotionally intelligent vs his brother being on the stupid side and so hellbent on protecting his brother it bends back into borderline ableism. every horror happens to them that my tragedy loving self can ram into walls about INCLUDING how their love for each other and dedication to a common goal that might doom them concludes the whole story. alexa play plaid - white's dream

for the character thing: 1. Who I adore with everything, they are my favorite and forever will be! / 8. They're a favorite because my mutuals and the people I follow like them. / 13. Wish they had more hype. / 27. I would love to observe this character under a microscope.

Difficult question like one singular favorite out of every character from everything I’ve ever seen… I was going to be like omg IDK if I can answer this one guys 😔✌️but I can answer it easily it’s Minkowski from Wolf 359 I love her sm 💕💕💕 There are other characters I like a lot but I think she’s my favorite her personality + motivations are so endearing to me. This is excluding OCs because if I included them as candidates we’d be here all day

I genuinely like Micolash from bloodborne now just from seeing posts abt him occasionally I don’t know anything about bloodborne but whenever a video essayist mentions him (usually just to complain abt how his fight sucks lol) I’m like Micolash… my boy. Why is he called that why does he have a dumbass cage on his head. I mean I know why lore wise. Also Lady Maria from Bloodborne, Arashi from Enstars, Rui from ODDTAXI. I always liked Eiffel wolf 359 (like he was always my second favorite character lol) but I think people posting abt him has made me appreciate him more. Think abt him in more depth yk 

Can I say like every original character for this. Of course they don’t have hype it’s because they’re not in anything that actually exists. But idk they’re really fun to talk about so it would be nice to have them be more widely known ❤️ so people would know what the hell I’m talking about lmao. Also Carmen Farooq-Lane from TDT I think is really underrated she’s so funny + I think very sympathetic

I know this isn’t exactly the question but I think it’s in the spirit of what it’s asking basically my favorite characters to psychoanalyze are my OCs Cirillo and Angel and kind of Rocio as well actually. I used to think she was like relatively straightforward but I think she’s become a bit more complicated recently or like I’m trying to focus more on the nuances I guess. Like with regards to their motivation and their relationships with other characters. Also unfortunately Crow + Lennox + Baize from @werewolfstory, I like the other characters as well and think they’re interesting but they are the only ones I’ve actually written meta abt so far. I would say Kaleela as well but studying under a microscope feels mean to say about her. In terms of like characters from things ummm idk the main characters of the scarlet letter + macbeth were fun to discuss in English class. That doesn’t count. Going back to the original question of who I would study under a microscope and interpreting it as like who is a weird freak where you want to know what’s going on with them. Kabru Dungeon Meshi. Probably some others but I can’t think of them right now. Henry from TRC

EP 8: “I’m Tired and feeling reckless” - Jenn [ PART I ]

So for some reason I thought that this game to return would have incredibly high scores until I found out that in the 600s seems to be the norm which is a little annoying considering I was just hitting 600 with half my time left before I fucked up. I hope Ruthie wins her way back into the game because she's the biggest angel this game has. I think Jessy fucked up too and I'm devastated b/c she's become one of my best friends in the game. It was strange finding out we've actually played games together before but didn't realize it until 2 weeks into the game and we just got on like a house on fire so I'll be really and truly sad to see her go because she's a bundle of joy. The voting at this mass tribal was honestly awful. Everyone in my expendables alliance lost a life, Ruthie lost both hers and Ricardo lost his last one. Literally anyone I was/would have allied with in the future. It's sad because I see exactly the direction where the game is going, those who had strong pre-existing bonds with lucky tribe swaps have managed to keep squeaking by because the people they've pulled in are too afraid to do anything against it. 

Owen clearly has caccooned himself into a currently unbreakable alliance with layers of protection. Pat seemed to recognize this which was good. I'm just really pissed at the current hierarchies of dictatorship that are running the game. It's boring, switch it up huns. 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I AM BACK BITCHES! AND I'M BACK WITH FURY AND I CAN'T WAIT TO GET KAIT, MJ AND CARSON OUT.  THEN WES  BECAUSE HE WAS OBVIOUSLY IN ON IT FOR THAT COMMENT HE MADE BEFORE MY TRIBAL. 

I'M GOING TO BE SWEET AND TRUSTING TO EVERYONES FACE, THEN I AM GOING TO FUCK THEM ALL UP, I CANNOT WAIT TO CAUSE SOME CHAOS.  <3

RUTHIE DID THAT

@hosts do yall want me out THIS BAD??!! I can't deal with this swap im crying and hysterically laughing at the same time! Literally as fucked as fuck can be! At least queen Ruthie won her way back into the game. Honestly all my friends died that last round so I can't wait to go on premerge holiday with them cuz it'll be LIT! 

I love Jenna

Kait and I just got in a fight and I've never wanted to quit this game more in my life.

Okay, who's ready to read a novel? 

The last immunity challenge was some more than complicated balls and holes interaction. Going into in, I was of the mindset that anyone other than Jessy had to win, because I didn't know what I would do if she did. I heard rumors about Wes stepping down in this game because he didn't want to vote for anyone on Thotse, and I've never felt so connected to an otherwise literal stranger before. I was also told that Abbey was sitting out because of...dog situations, which is different. It's honestly #puppygate2k17 at this point. Anyways, god bless Kait for winning because it could've been worse than it already was. When results came out, seeing Owen win on Kabru kind of sucked because I had been leaning to striking against him since he threw me under the bus to Ricardo. Which left me at a stalemate on both of my tribes because no matter what happened, I was voting out an ally. 

On Kabru, Owen and Logan seemed open to anything. I told Gage that I was on strict orders from Kait to work with him and make sure he was safe. He seemed to take this as good news, and I think our relationship has grown from that point but I can't tell if he's just being fake to my face. I love karma. In Game A, I had to deal with Jake trying to save Jessy. Right after results are posted, he calls me. It's all fine and dandy but c'mon, let's just address the elephant in the room - he's calling to try and convince me to keep Jessy around. In short, because Kait is immune, I'm supposed to vote Jimmy and we're all supposed to be one big happy family. I told him I'd think about it, and I truly did. I am incapable of voting against close friends in games, and right now, this means Jimmy and Kait. I was thinking that maybe I should step down, save my conscience from the pain, but the more I thought about, the more it made sense from a strategy perspective. If I let Jessy stay over me in Game A, I keep more allies for myself since I would be safe in Game B. That way, if I make a merge, I have the optimal amount of people on my side. 

Friday comes, and I'm away all day. Out of nowhere, I get a message from Kait saying that Carson told MJ that Jessy had an idol. Kait is at work, so MJ calls me and relays all this info. I'm thinking I should go straight to the source about this, and call Jake and Jessy to confront them. Kait is worried about Carson feeling like we threw him under the bus, so I let it be. I talked to Jake and Jessy, and told them if she wanted to stay, she needed to vote for me. Jake says I can't do that, and he can't call but he'll explain to me shortly. When I told him to get Jessy to vote for me though, it sends him into a tailspin and he suddenly forgets everything he was supposed to tell me. I called him out on it, and he said that he "misinterpreted a conversation" with Owen earlier in the day, but he was wrong. This came after he said it was crucial and top secret info, so it was already shady. He explained that I couldn't leave in Game A, because Steven, Gage and Owen were going to blindside me in Game B. Oh honey, not on my watch. At this point, everything is a shit show, I'm baiting Jessy into voting for me, she's telling Kait and I conflicting things, Jimmy is trying to calm me down and I'm getting paranoid about Game B. So I get pissed at Owen, and contemplate flipping to save Steven with Logan and take out Gage. I don't want to leave though, so I confront both Steven and Gage about the plan to take me out. Gage says it's news to him and Steven sends me receipts that he hasn't talked to Owen since the immunity results are posted. Okay, so I'm safe for B. I go back to Jake and ask him one more time to be honest about if Jessy can save herself. He says yes. I freak out at Jimmy and Kait because I think they need to vote for me. Tribal comes, and Jessy posts a picture in the tribe chat about having an idol. I'm about to need new pants before Ryan says that the idol is fake. Now I'm just hurt (cue crying time #2 in this game) because if Jake really wanted to be my ally, you'd think honesty would be the policy. 

After tribal council, it's announced that someone in each game will get to return. Now I love to gamble, but I suck at it. I'm thinking that easily, Jessy and Jack will return in A and B respectively. Seeing Ruthie absolutely demolish everyone today, I mean it wasn't the worst thing to happen for me, but not the best either. She and I don't talk, but I didn't have a hand in her leaving. It also means Jessy is gone for good, and although we cleared the air today, I'm still pissed that they used me when they knew how guilty I'd feel. Anyone who uses emotional manipulation freely like that...that's a little fucked up. When those people were added back to the chat last night, and Jessy said "Malaysia better watch out", I don't know if she was kidding or not, but where does she get off saying that when I literally would've left for her? 

Kait said she talked to Jack, and although we don't all talk, he insists that the Malaysia crew is a family. Kait is trying to develop a showmance with Pat, so he can be the new Ben. I don't know what to think about that, and I feel like I should warn him but then, I don't know how their relationship actually is and I'm not about to get in the middle. We swap again tonight, and I'm happy because I'm with Jimmy on both tribes, but worried that Malaysia could be a target in Game B. Not too mention, I'm stuck with Owen on both tribes again too which makes me suspect. I'm increasingly aware of how little he tells me. I called with Jake to make sure we were on the same page after last night, and he pins the entire plan on Jessy and tells me that Malaysia is a sinking ship with Kait at the center of it so he can't be allies with her for much longer. I relayed this information back to her, but it started something bigger that I wasn't ready for. Apparently I'm the better player, have more connections, are more social, blah blah blah and yet she's bearing all the blame for the Malaysia alliance. I felt like it got low-key passive aggressive and cue crying time #3 in this game. After almost a week of planning to make a move against Owen at some point, she wants to go and tell him that they are the two kingpins in the game and need to work together. 

I feel like I'm in the middle of everything and I can't make any decision without being criticized. Like Jake, telling me I was giving away my game to Jimmy, and that I should just vote him out because it's "not that deep". You're right, it's not that deep, it's fucking bottomless. Let me educate you all really quickly here: Jimmy is the best one of all of us here and the list about why I'm not about to vote him out would keep you reading this confessional for days. Kait telling me that she thinks Logan might have the idol, and now I have to decide whether to walk by her side or take a shot with Logan and give them a heads up. I'm tired and feeling reckless, so who knows what'll happen?

Righto, when life gets busy confessionals get chucked to the wayside but now I have 0 things on my plate and can go ham!

Let's go way back to my first tribal. Malaysia coming to have a party all being on a tribe together and a party we had. JC was an easy choice for me at least, was around very little and talked absolute nothingness with me. They came to me 8 minutes before the vote was revealed -_- 

Next was the rice challenge.... Of the 24 hours we had to do that challenge, I had to work 10, and sleep a decent amount so that left me with the 3rd lowest score. I spent every free minute I had doing it but still was shit house compared to others. Lucky for my tribe's woeful performance Jakey used the old switcheroo and we got to avoid a tribal. Good news for me, but still feel pretty shit for the people that monstered that challenge for nought. 

And then when those tribals were all said and done, these shudder-trucking hosts throw us a octuple tribal. Yeah cheers for that you bloody clowns! (Lydia asked for a shout-out conveniently at this time, guess she's a clown). Well I though Game A aka Maslaysia was going to be the simple one, and Game B be a little all over the shop, but little did I know. Game B was sorted in two minutes with a quick convo with Matty and Abbey and Ricardo was Ricardone. Game A on the other hand was wild. Mega-props to Jessy for being savage and causing absolute mayhem among the ranks. We had all 3 of us trying to save one other, Jenn self-voting, Kait voting me and me just chucking a John Kranski at the cameras as the forest burnt down around me. Jessy was hammering these guys with "I have an idol" business and some (won't mention names [JENN]) bought it hook, line and sinker! and entered super crazy cat lady panic mode. Thankfully with 20 minutes to go, common sense prevailed and we decided that if Jessy does all of a sudden miraculously have an idol, there would be no point us chucking votes willy-nilly at each other in order to protect one another in case she doesn't and it forces a tie. From that little anarchy I've got indents in my head from my fingers as I did the "what the muzzlewomp is happening?!" half facepalm/half thinking pose. 

This game is still a hoot of a time. Other tribals showed some rowdiness - i.e. the tie between Jack and Wes :O, Ruthie getting doubly wrecked :(, and poor old Steven getting done :/. 

honestly i'm crying 

the ONE TRIBE i did NOT want to go to TRIBAL COUNCIL goes. Like we needed to win because now what???

Jenn/Jimmy/Kait  aren't going to vote against each other. Lydia and I really N E E D Abbey. And Gage is probably up Kait's  A$$ so like fdsjkhsdf what the fuck is gonna happen like???

I don't want Lydia to have to use her idol and idek what good it would do anyways unless somehow like the same person left at both tribals or something but idk I'm just freaking screaming.

Lydia talked to Kait and Kait keeps telling Lydia she wants to work with her but then Kait also says that to me and??? I don't know. I don't know how to feel about Kait because she makes it seem like we're super close and maybe that wouldn't be that bad of a thing to be super close with Kait but it's so so so obvious she has other people in this game and she hasn't done a single thing to try to get me in with those people. I guess she has some group with MJ/Pat and herself, I'm positive she has one with Jenn and MJ probably, like.... She's gotta have all these groups and I'm not in a single one. So everything in me is like..... Telling me not to trust her because I know she won't give me the same trust? And she didn't tell me about ANY of the shit Jake was doing last round, Logan did.

Which leads me to like.... God.

In an attempt to save Jessy I guess, Jake told Jenn/Kait that I was teaming with Steven and Gage to try to get Jenn out??? And AFTER the vote, Logan came and told me this. So Jenn and Jake didn't talk to me about it... Logan did.

So I went to Jake and pretended like I didn't know he was the one who made up the rumor I was like "omg someone was saying shit about me!!!!!!" and he ended up confessing to it he was like 'They thought you and I were a super secret alliance so I made that up' like... Okay, Jake, way to not tell me :) It's clear he wasn't doing it for anything but his and Jessy's own interest. 

So I go to Jenn and I bring it up and say that it was all a lie and that Jake had told me he made it up and.... She says it's okay and that she wants to keep working together in our group with Logan. BUT THEN SHE WENT AND TOLD JAKE WHAT I SAID ABOUT HIM!!!!?????

How fucking messy can these people be??? Like, Logan said I was messy look at these people??

It's just a whole freaking cluster of lies and truths and NONSENSE and I don't like it. I obviously can't trust Jenn. I seriously doubt I can trust Jake. I don't think I can trust Kait, and I really don't know how to feel about Gage. Lydia is the only one who is honest with me, I guess, and if I found out after this season that she's been lying to me too i'm gonna SC  R E AMMMMMMMMMM :)

I don't know what to do for tribal. Maybe I'll get something in the adventure.

WELP! only going to tribal in 1 game

mjs talked to me about some pretty interesting points, and honestly, i need to kick my social game up because otherwise i have no chance of making the merge.

ruthie joined both of the tribes i'm on which is interesting, but who knows why she did that.

ruthies smarter than she lets on, i know that, and she's such a big threat that it'd be dumb to let her make it too far in this game.

i feel like im DECENT with the amount of allies i have, but who knows. all i want is merge, and hopefully its sometime soon.

Carson, I see you all up in my PM's now sweetheart.  Like I literally told you ALL my game.  I told you about my alliance with Kait and MJ right before tribal and just UGH.  I'm so glad I'm immune!  

Best case scenario for my personal game would be Kait leaving and I'm going to try my HARDEST to get that to happen! She has way too many friends up in this game and she is connected to everyone.  I'm being careful from here on out what I tell to any of them and as much as I love Steffen I'm putting my own game first from now on, I'm still in this thing and I don't plan on being voted out again for a long, long time. 

I got swap fucked lmao. I finally get onto a tribe with Lydia, but most of the tribe are already friends. Amazing content 

So... I may possibly soon be in an alliance with Jakey and Jack?  YES PLEASE. I'm just glad I might have the numbers for something soon. 

WHAT THE HELL IS MJ DOING UP IN MY PM'S THIS TIME.  Let's see, probably trying to make sure I don't vote out his dynamic duo Kait. 

Okay he apologized for voting me and told me he felt closer to Carson and I really do appreciate his honesty.  I wish I hated MJ but I just can't UGH. MJ WHY ARE YOU SO LIKEABLE?

I'm so chuffed that we won immunity and that I won my battle and finally got to go on "reward". So I found myself a nice disadvantage to take back to my tribe which will only build my shitty target I have on myself. I'm still hoping that people will start to make big moves before the merge to take out a potential threat to their individual game. It would make sense to do that but they haven't so far and the run of the mill stuff is a little boring. I keep trying to throw out messages for conversations but no one really seems up for talking so maybe I'm a bit abrasive? Who knows. I guess since I'm becoming more confident as an individual player from my last game that that could be the case. Even Lydia thought I was having a go at her when I just wished her good luck at tribal? Or that's the way it came across. Annoying since I thought I was given Steffen pointers to pull her into the old Hudson 3 in that tribe to make a block of 4 which would guarantee them a tie. I'm hoping Steffen survives b/c he's honestly the only true ally I have left, who talks with ease. Of course I've other connections with Matt, but we're all surviving on one life so I'd be surprised if any of us made the merge. 

[4:23:03 AM] kait ~~/: if abbey leaves this vote [4:23:05 AM] kait ~~/: i'm [4:23:12 AM] kait ~~/: gonna have to vote jimmy after [4:23:16 AM] kait ~~/: dont leak

WHAT THE SWEET HELL IS THIS? If Abbey leaves, okay fine even though I wanted Owen to leave, but if this is some sort of deal with Lydia... DARKSIDED!

Another day, another tiebreaker loss. But at least it's not both. I've been spending a lot of time on calls lately. Probably more than I've ever done in a TS game. I guess that's the way people do things now to avoid receipts? I haven't REALLY played since HvV2, and nearly everything was done in writing. So it's weird. Most of my call time has been with Kait. She's a badass. Despite her assertions to the contrary, she's a killer gameplayer.  Maybe a bit on the abrasive side, but that's not a bad thing when shit needs to get done. And once the game talk is out of the way it leaves us free to just talk. The best alliances are formed with people you're super comfortable talking with, and she definitely fits that bill. We firmed up a F2 last night and I feel so good about it. The next-most call time has been with Lydia, and I feel the same about her. Both her and Kait have a tendency to get a lot of hate for their voting habits and styles, but a big part of me does wonder how much of it is truly deserved. I know Kait's a bit on the aggressive side, but I've never played long enough with Lydia to see why her votes always leave a trail of hurt feelings. She suggested yesterday it might be because people think they can control her, she does her own thing and they get upset over it. I could see that, honestly. Right now, Lydia and Kait are working together out of necessity. Both are trying to rebuild the friendship that took a serious hit in Animal Crossing (if I believe them. I'm not naive enough to think I'm the only one obscuring relationships.) I'm happy to ride along with that. Jack's probably next on my list. We haven't been talking quite as much since the swap, but I still feel good with him. We called with Lydia yesterday and talked out the vote... frankly, if he were to turn, now would be a great time to do it. I couldn't even be too mad. But I don't think he will. I just don't get that vibe from him right now. Next up is gonna be MJ and Logan. These two are in a dead heat and that's because I enjoy them both so much. Logan has been super communicative all game, and I really appreciate that of them and their game. I know we've had some... rocky moments in the past, but I've always liked the times where Logan and I can work as a unit. They have a great mind for the game and don't mind putting their thoughts out there. My reservation with going all-in with Logan: I know their style. They're so predisposed to slide along undetected until the end behind bigger targets and nobody targets them because, well shucks, they're just so likeable. And that's when they strike. MJ has also been really communicative. I mentioned at the outset of the season that I was unsure about working with him, but he's done a lot to soothe that thinking. I get great vibes from him, he talks to me, he seems to be including me in his plans, and we called yesterday just so he could share intel, even though we aren't hitting tribal together. All great things. My reservation with going all-in with MJ: I've seen firsthand how effortlessly he can deceive. And while that's no different that Kait or Lydia or Jack or.... most of this cast, really, there's just that ingrained 'ugh' factor from Olympics. I'm trying really hard not to let it impact this game, but... I know it's affecting my outlook on him. I don't like that. Wes is a tough one to place. Instinctively, I'd want to put him ahead of Logan/MJ. But our communication has really crawled to a standstill since his Hudson death. I still do trust him, and I know what an insanely valuable and loyal ally he can be. But I also know there's a very clear understanding by most people that Wes and I are together. And that's fine... better to have a strong known ally than a weak unknown one. I'm just wary about potentially being targeted for it... but I'm also aware that there are bigger, more visible duos and alliances out there. Jenn, I've got very mixed feelings on. I love her to death. She's absolutely fantastic, and really engaging to talk with. But it lowkey kinda bothered me how she seemed to be okay with laying her game down last round? I know, Jimmy's a good friend. I can't blame her for wanting to protect him. But I really don't know if she'd do the same for me. I suspect not. And that would be one of those stronger duos I was talking about. I really wouldn't want to be the one to cut Jimmy, though. If Jenn gets free of that relationship in here, it'll be akin to trying to steal a bear cub from its mother. Which is not to say that Jimmy's a cub – he's a very bright and entertaining dude himself – but, at the risk of being set in my ways, I still think Jenn is the more dangerous player. Steffen.... agh. I'm still super sketched out. I'm trying, my dudes. But he's been giving me the same runaround on this vote that he did with the Wes boot. Which... would be fine, I guess, if I was hearing he was doing the same elsewhere. But Lydia said he's looking to take out Carson, and it kind of bothers me that Steffen wouldn't trust me enough to throw the name out? For all the talk about trust and having each others' backs, actions speak louder. And his actions and words just aren't jiving right now. Christ. Jiving. Have I ever sounded like more of an old man? There's a big drop-off on the trust radar after Jenn, anyway. Beyond Steffen, I also get conflicting feelings about Matt (who's been MIA for much of the pre-merge and has only really re-opened communication lines recently, plus he shot himself in the foot with his Eastin-like rant in the OW chat,) Ruthie (who I absolutely adore but who I know I won't be able to keep around next time Andaman hits tribal at this rate,) Owen (who can leave now thanks. Not about to see him sneak his way to the finals like he usually does in side games or the BB community,) Jake (DUDE, if you really are a free agent, TALK WITH ME. WE CAN DO STUFF. It's hard when our conversations feel like I'm just playing tennis against a brick wall.) I'm breaking this off into a separate paragraph because that last one is getting hard to read. Anyway I think Carson is working with me more out of necessity than a strong desire to do so, and if I'm right then the feeling is definitely reciprocal. Abbey... well, our paths haven't crossed since OG Andaman. Hard to tell where she's been or is going, but I'd be surprised if I were in her plans come merge. Steven is too close with Steffen and Ruthie for me to be able to put 100% faith in him, even though we had some pretty rad chats on Hudson and before. And Gage and I have never been together in here. I do worry about him being in the same vein as Logan and Owen, though – being able to slide to the end under the radar. Oh wait up. I just wrote all this out then remembered there's a chance someone does an Edgic for this season. Dammit. I need to start shading more people. Um MJ EATS BABIES. JIMMY IS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO SLOWLY DRAGS A CHAIR ALONG THE GROUND BEFORE SITTING IN IT, MAKING THAT AWFUL FUCKING GRINDING NOISE EVERYONE HATES. OWEN IS HUMAN FRO-YO. IF PAT WERE AN ICE CREAM FLAVOUR HE'D BE PRALINES AND DICK. I think I went too far with that last one.

i just went on call with kait but im PRETTY sure she was lying to me? like it didnt sound rlly truthful? but idk i might as well trust in her bc mj trusts her but that malaysia shit IS strong, and i wanna keep jake with me, so i dont wanna vote him. i might need to try and steer the vote somewhere else? so that both the people i trust are safe (also if kait acc did throw me under the bus ill be pissed)

Im going home today!!!!!! Lydia tried her damndest which is really cute i love her so much. But yeah theres nothing I could do. The other people on denali just know each other too well and I'm just the odd man out which is fine! Im not mad at anyone at all I still think taking games personally is dumb. Im gonna be petty tho bc theres no hope for me ad I've never gotten the chance to be petty in a game before!!!!!  Anyway I enjoyed my time in the game, I wish I could have played more with Lydia but oh well, shit happens. I hope she wins how cute would that be. We would be a true power couple then

not important

i have this sinking feeling that im gonna be blindsided? idk ahhh im paranoid

55 mins to go!

If Kait doesn't go home tonight I am SO screwed. I think that just MAYBE we might be able to pull this off if I can get Carson on my side again!   Also, I'm in an alliance with Jakey and Jack and I am ABSOLUTELY LOVING IT!  I couldn't ask for a more perfect alliance and it's time to take on EVERYONE together... but first Jakey cannot go.