#I might try to rewrite it my brain feels mushy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucientelrunya · 3 years

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Like a lonely house pt 2

Chaotic me deciced to switch back to present tense (already edited part one) and I'm still quite clueless how to tag. But it gave me so much joy to see people enjoy my little idea.

Please feel free to point out any mistakes you spot, I'm always trying to improve my writing and stop myself from agonizing over every sentence and constantly rewrite everything...

I think Zhang Rishan might be a tad bit dramatic in this part, but I hope you enjoy this anyway :)

The blackness and cotton in his head only slowly recede, permeated by the sound of muffled voices Zhang Rishan knows. The voices carry an urgency, an impalpable sense of importance that drags him back to consciousness with a sudden harshness. Still it takes more effort than it should to blink his eyes open and for a moment he is confused why there is a stone ceiling above him and why little white flakes are clinging to his lashes. He rubs at his eyes, his movement sluggish and his arm feels heavy, a dull ache that causes the memories to come rushing back. The strange tomb, the force controlling him, the ritual, the pool - Ba Ye. It’s not a dream - nightmare? - or at least not all of it and he sits up way too quickly for his body to adjust. Thankfully someone grabs his shoulders - again - to keep him upright.

It takes Zhang Rishan another long moment to blink away the black spots and recognize Luo Que beside him, offering him an already open bottle of water, which is considerate and much appreciated. He really needs to drink something, at least to get the taste of copper and something he can’t even begin to describe out of his mouth. The strange pale liquid has dried all over his skin and clothes like some sort of clay, cracking and peeling off in flakes and powdery dust when he moves. He opts to ignore it for now, content with getting it off his lips and out of his eyes.

Luo Que doesn’t say anything and patiently waits for him to gulp down most of the bottle before he sits back again, letting go of Zhang Rishan’s shoulders and looking at him with a barely there question in his eyes. And, yeah, Zhang Rishan would like to know what’s going on here himself, thank you very much. With his vision mostly free of black spots and blurring edges he dares to look around him, having already spotted Zhang Qiling’s black clad legs next to him from the corner of his eye. He is lying on a sleeping bag right next to him, with Huo Daofu examining him quietly and unhurriedly.

And Zhang Rishan’s brain is still mushy enough to take a long moment to truly comprehend what he is looking at when he finds the source of the voices. Liu Sang and Pangzi arguing is not some rare occurrence (as he has learned in the last two days), although it's not really arguing and more of a friendly stage of bickering, but Liu Sang and Wang Pangzi arguing with Ba Ye is not normal, not in the least. So it really hasn’t been a dream or his imagination.

An illusion then, maybe? A hallucination, like the meteorite inside the tomb and Er Ye getting back his dead wife? Maybe he is still in the pool and all of this is just a hallucination? But back then the whole fake world had frozen once Ba Ye had started to doubt and Zhang Rishan is absolutely doubting the possibility of this being real. It feels too much like Er Ye’s illusion of getting Yatou back and Zhang Rishan has lived long enough to know that there is no way to truly bring a dead person back to life.

No one freezes and no one vanishes, not even when he puts his hand on his arm to push a thumb into the wound beneath the bandages and elicits a spark of pain that is absolutely and undeniably real. It quickly vanishes again, his body cataloguing it under ‘inconvenient but not life threatening’ and opting to ignore it like he had been trained. But it leaves Zhang Rishan fairly confident in his assumption that this is not an illusion.

He must have been staring, lost in his contemplation of what is real and what isn’t, because suddenly Ba Ye is turning towards him, a look of relief flashing over his face. “Lieutenant! You are awake! Please, please tell these people who I am!” He sounds worried but also a little irritated and whiny, and so much like the Ba Ye Zhang Rishan remembers. For a moment he allows himself to just watch Ba Ye come over and squat down in front of him. He had obviously tried to wipe his glasses off on his equally stained scarf resulting in smudged pale lines all over his glasses and his face.

And he has to fight the urge to reach out and touch, to convince himself that Ba Ye is real, because he has been dead and gone for almost 80 years. Even if they never found his body, even if he had been hidden somewhere by Qiu De Kao for whatever reason there is just no way for him to be alive right now, alive and the same, he is no Zhang, he has no qilin blood.

Wu Xie kneeling down beside him, half on Zhang Qiling’s sleeping bag, breaks the moment. “You know him” and although it’s not a question Zhang Rishan nods. He glances at Wu Xie, who looks worried but also curious and intrigued, always drawn to mysteries. Pangzi and Liu Sang come over, too, placing themselves behind Ba Ye like they are prepared to grab and restrain him if he tries anything, but they look at Zhang Rishan. With at least 5 pairs of expectant eyes on him, probably six, he has to squish the feeling of vulnerability and helplessness that wants to crawl out and drape itself all over him. Instead he consciously straightens his back, squares his shoulders and shifts to sit cross-legged.

He has no idea what’s going on here, no idea how to tell Ba Ye where or rather when he is now (because right now he can’t fight the acceptance that this is a living, breathing Ba Ye who just hasn’t aged a day) or what happened in the pool or if everything did really happen like he thinks. If that being had been there, in the pool and had granted him a wish he hadn’t ever put into words, had made a fleeting thought into a new reality. Each of them is looking at him like he has all the answers and he hates that he is sitting here on the floor of a dimly lit cave, on a sleeping bag someone else has rolled out for him, with bandages around his arms and feeling so utterly helpless. He can’t suppress the bitter thought that Fo Ye would have known what to do.

Taking a deep breath he decides to start with what he is sure of, which is the answer to Wu Xie’s “You know him”. “I do know this man, his name is Qi Tiezui, also known as Ba Ye”, and the name and the title should mean something to at least Wu Xie and maybe Huo Daofu, even if they obviously don’t recognize him from old photos. Maybe because they never paid attention to those pictures, which are faded and grainy compared to what even the simplest smartphone camera is able to capture nowadays or maybe because Ba Ye looks like he took a mud bath. Maybe both.

On to the second thing he is quite certain of: “As to what happened, I’m not really sure myself. As soon as I entered the tomb some force took over my body and I suppose Zhang Qiling's as well and we came to this cave to enact some kind of blood sacrifice ritual for whatever deity they are worshipping here.” No need to point out he had been meant to be the sacrifice, that bit is quite obvious, although he is not sure why Zhang Qiling is the one still unconscious then. “There was chanting, but I wasn’t able to understand it”, he adds, which makes Liu Sang nod at him. “Yeah, I heard you through the wall, but wasn’t able to identify the words either.”

Zhang Rishan considers asking why they hadn’t followed them into the cave and tried to stop the whole thing, if only to give him a little more time to try and find words for what happened after that, but he doesn’t have to voice his question. “Yeah, almost broke my damn nose trying to follow you two through that convenient little magic wall that suddenly turned into a real wall after you two went through, and we couldn’t find a mechanism or another entry or hear anything. Imagine our immense joy at hearing this idiot here say there’s ‘eerie chanting’!” Pangzi grumbles and there is no need for him to add that the use of some explosives had been on the table. Or had they used explosives?

“Did you blow a hole into the wall?” Zhang Rishan asks, eyeing a pile of broken stone in the vicinity of the wall, but Pangzi shakes his head. “Nah, I wanted to, but then the ground started to shake and - poof - the entrance was back and actually visible.” It takes Zhang Rishan another moment to realize the rubble is what’s left of the statue he had only glimpsed upon entering the cave. Had the earthquake destroyed it? Had it even been an earthquake?

Wu Xie humms beside him, following his line of sight for a moment before he points to the wall behind the rubble. “There are some murals depicting locals worshipping a deity that I have never seen before. But it seems to be for protection against droughts or bad harvests, your garden-variety-harvest-god to ensure plenty of food and the likes. Nothing that can bring dead people back to life.” Ah, right back to the burning question.

Ba Ye sputters quite helplessly at that. “Dead? What do you mean dead? Do I look dead to you? Lieutenant, what is going on here, who are these people?” Considering that Ba Ye’s face is still mostly covered in white it wouldn’t be that unreasonable to mistake him for a ghost. But beneath that he doesn’t look dead or like a walking corpse, he looks just like Zhang Rishan remembers him, just like the last time he had seen him before he had vanished. And he still has no idea how to tell Ba Ye that everyone he knows is dead. Well, everyone except Zhang Rishan.

“I’m Wu Xie, this is Wang Pangzi, Liu Sang, Luo Que and behind me are Huo Daofu and Zhang Qiling.” Wu Xie blindly pats Zhang Qiling’s lower leg when he says his name, his eyes never leaving Ba Ye’s face, gauging his reaction to two familiar family names. And Ba Ye doesn’t disappoint, confusion clearly written all over his face. He is mouthing ‘Wu’ and ‘Huo’ while his eyes scan Wu Xie’s face before he looks at Zhang Rishan with a mixture of confusion, incomprehension and helplessness.

“He is Wu Laogou’s grandson”, Zhang Rishan says softly, because their relation is the most obvious to emphasize how much time has passed and the most obvious in terms of resemblance, Ba Ye must have seen that. And Zhang Rishan holds his gaze until Ba Ye looks down, takes a deep breath, closes his mouth and lets himself plop back down to sit on the ground, his whole body curling inwards. This would be a lot to take in for everybody and Zhang Rishan would like to give Ba Ye a moment to compose himself without everyone else staring at him. There are things he hasn’t told them yet, but he is still not sure how to put any of that into words.

“Did the murals say anything about something being confined here?” Zhang Rishan asks Wu Xie, who just looks puzzled. “Confined? What do you mean?” And he really has to try and put it into words, there is no way around it, is there? He takes another deep breath through his nose. “For the ceremony I was kneeling in that pool and when the tremors started I fell into whatever liquid is in there, and it was like - like there was something in there with me. Like it was a living thing with a consciousness and whatever we did in that ceremony it set that thing free.” He can already feel some doubtful looks but nobody starts to interrupt him and Wu Xie actually nods thoughtfully like he can imagine that, so he continues: “It was communicating with me, not with words, more like with feelings and impressions,” and he just waits for Huo Daofu to interrupt him, to say something about blood loss and hallucinations, but he doesn’t, he just doesn’t - “It made very clear that it had been imprisoned here for whatever purpose and that it was just so very thankful that I set it free.”

Everyone is quiet, mulling over those words. There are still so many questions, like who or what had controlled them to enact this ceremony? Had it been the imprisoned being? Or something else? But why? And who had sealed the tomb? And why?

“So you set some ancient being free and someone from your past turns up. What if he is no human but that being in the shape of someone it saw while it was inside your mind?” Liu Sang questions, looking at Ba Ye thoughtfully who stops his calculations to stare back incredulously. “What? First I’m dead, now I’m some preternatural being? Let me tell you, I’m just a fortune teller!” He acts and sounds just like Ba Ye, but Liu Sang has a point, that being had looked into his mind, had probably had access to all his thoughts and memories. It makes his head hurt even thinking about it.

Pangzi and Liu Sang start bickering about how to test that theory, to find out if someone is human and it only gets more chaotic when Zhang Qiling wakes up and Wu Xie starts worrying over him, asking him how he feels and if he is alright while Huo Daofu tries to rule out a concussion. Zhang Rishan tries to ignore them for the moment, even though he would like to get Zhang Qiling’s version of the ceremony. He feels torn between the possible explanations for this situation, but why would some ancient being that had been trapped in a cave for centuries if not millenia take human form and stay with them? To play tricks on him? Or maybe-

“Lieutenant, if so much time has passed that the grandson of Wu Laogu is at least as old as I am, how come you haven’t aged a day?” Ba Ye’s question jolts him out of these thoughts. “It’s a Zhang-family-thing”, he answers, because Ba Ye already knows so much about their family that it should be enough. Ba Ye nods, visibly brightening at the answer, as if he had hoped for something along those lines. “So, why don’t we just ask Fo Ye for help to prove I’m just a normal human? I mean, if that being was in your head and knows what you know it doesn’t know everything about me.”

Of course he would think of Fo Ye as the answer to everything and of course Zhang Rishan has to say it now. He shakes his head slightly and forces himself to watch Ba Ye’s face and catalogue his reaction. “No. Fo Ye is not with us anymore.” It’s cruel, so cruel to tell him like this and Zhang Rishan hates it even more than he hates saying the words at all. Ba Ye’s whole face crumples but he visibly tries to hide his distress. “How on earth am I supposed to prove I’m just a normal human, then?” he bristles, obviously trying to distract himself with anger. “Tell me! What should I do!” Those last words are directed towards Pangzi and Liu Sang behind him who actually stop their bickering and have the grace to look embarrassed.

“Why would that being even want to stay here? What could be in it for... it?” Pangzi voices Zhang Rishan’s thoughts from before. “Maybe it needs help to leave the cave?” Wu Xie suggests, joining the conversation again after assuring himself that Zhang Qiling is fine aside from a cut on his forehead. “Or maybe it’s just lonely and looking for some company?” Huo Daofu throws in and Zhang Rishan isn’t sure if it’s meant to be a joke or a real suggestion. But if they are just casually throwing around theories he can add one, too.

“Maybe it’s an illusion.” Even if there is no meteorite around and even if he had set that theory aside before. Ba Ye inhales sharply at that suggestion and slaps Zhang Rishan’s knee a little harder than necessary. “Aiya! An Illusion? Does that feel like an illusion? Is there a meteorite around that you haven’t told me about? Shouldn’t you be able to tell the difference?” Ba Ye slaps him again and Zhang Rishan just lets him, flinching only a little. It makes Luo Que beside him tense noticeably, like he contemplates grabbing Ba Ye’s arm and stopping him from hitting his boss, but in the end he doesn’t move and just watches.

“Should I? I mean you were the one who realized it was an illusion back then, and you guided us out of it.” Ba Ye harrumphs at that, knitting his brows. “It’s not an illusion”, Wu Xie says and the certainty in his voice makes it easy to just accept it. After all Wu Xie had come with him and should be a real person, even if they stepped into some fake world at some point, just like Fo Ye, Ba Ye, Er Ye and Chen Pi had been real people who stepped into the meteorite.

“Thank you!” Ba Ye says, giving Wu Xie a small bow. “And if you let me, I can show you that I am perfectly capable of leaving this place all on my own.” Which leaves them with: a lonely godly being looking for company (or a bored godly being looking for some fun?) or the possibility that it is really Ba Ye.

For a moment everyone is quiet again and Zhang Rishan takes the chance to ask Zhang Qiling how he had experienced being possessed or remote controlled or whatever it had been. His answer is disappointingly simple and his experience almost the same as Zhang Rishan’s, except that he had not been in contact with another consciousness but had been knocked out really hard by something as soon as the cave had started to shake. Which confirms Zhang Rishan’s suspicion that there had been something with him in the pool.

He gets up, startling both Ba Ye and Luo Que with the sudden movement, making them stand up with him as if they are preparing to catch him again. It’s endearing and disconcerting at the same time and he opts to ignore the way it makes him feel for the moment, but tucks the feeling away to pick it apart later.

The pool is surprisingly dry and empty, but covered in the same white flaky residue both Zhang Rishan and Ba Ye are covered in, which is reassuring because it means there had been something before. For a moment Zhang Rishan just stares at the empty pool, trying and failing to find a hole or a crack in the stone through which the liquid could have vanished. Surely it did not just evaporate into thin air? His memory is not clear enough to dispel the thought that maybe the liquid had not vanished but changed its shape and made itself into a human being.

“Huh? Why is it empty?” Pangzi asks which makes Zhang Rishan release a breath he hadn’t even been aware of holding. “It wasn’t empty when you could get in?” he reassures himself, looking at the other man. “Hah! Wish it had been, do you have any idea how hard it was to get you out of that stuff?” Pangzi snorts and points at the smudged edge of the pool, where a very visible track of white covers the ground all the way over to their sleeping bags. It also makes Zhang Rishan notice the white smudges all over Pangzis clothes only to find the man grinning at him when he looks up again. The corners of his mouth twitch involuntarily in quiet amusement and he nods his thanks, which makes Pangzi grin even more.

With the pool providing no answers at all Zhang Rishan walks over to the wall to look at the murals, soon joined by Wu Xie who points to the parts of the murals he had mentioned before. It shows a group of people in clothing Zhang Rishan has never seen building this tomb. Maybe some minority? They have no idea how old this tomb is, after all or how long it had been sealed. In the next part of the mural it almost looks like they are summoning the unknown god and not merely worshipping and some part of Zhang Rishan’s mind resonates with that thought. The ceremony looks just like what the two of them had enacted, one person in the pool and the other at the altar with a dagger. But it almost seems like the sacrifice on the mural dissolves into the pool, a thought he really doesn’t want to dwell on.

After that the mural gets quite confusing, depicting the statue that is broken now and people celebrating rich harvests, without any clear connection. He looks back at the picture of the god, tracing the faded lines with his fingers trying to recall everything the being in the pool had tried to tell him through thoughts and feelings and suddenly he understands. Or at least he thinks he does.

“They didn’t worship the god, they captured it and confined it in here because as long as it was here everything around it would be thriving, rich harvests, no sicknesses, people living long and full lives.” As soon as he says it he knows it’s true and he finds Wu Xie nodding next to him. “So, you set that god free and as a gesture of thanks it returned a dead person from your past?” And Zhang Rishan knows dead people don’t come back to life, but this is a god they are talking about and it had made everything else grow, had kept people healthy and strong. Maybe it could do this too?

“I’m still not dead and I was never dead!” Ba Ye protests from beside him and reminds Zhang Rishan that he still doesn’t know what happened when Ba Ye vanished back then, how or when he died. He looks at him and contemplates asking just that but somehow he is afraid of the answer. “Maybe you died and you just forgot.” Pangzi says, pushing at one of the larger rocks left over from the statue with his foot.

“How would someone forget his own death, this is ridiculous! An hour ago I was just in my room, enjoying a nice cup of tea and suddenly I find myself in this cave, almost drowning in that pool!” Ba Ye gestures wildly and angrily with his arm, almost slapping Zhang Rishan in the face in the process, but Pangzi is unimpressed. “How could you not forget your death? Or the fact that you died. Maybe you just dropped dead drinking your tea, things like that happen. Who knows.”

“He didn’t drop dead, he vanished without a trace, leaving everything behind”, Zhang Rishan interjects. If Ba Ye had just dropped dead there would have been a funeral and it would have been just as sad and hard, but there wouldn’t have been a mystery, no reason to wish to know what happened.

“Well, maybe he did drop dead and that god plucked his body from the past, brought him back to life and put him here”, Wu Xie shrugs, “I mean, my terminal lung cancer got healed by magic golden coffin water in thunder city, so it’s not that far-fetched.”

And - oh, oh - realisation hits him like a punch to the sternum, taking his breath away, almost making him double over and sink to his knees. It had been him. Ba Ye never just vanished, had never been kidnapped by the Japanese or Qiu De Kao. He had never died, he had been snatched away by this being - god - whatever - and placed here and now, with Zhang Rishan, because it had wanted to give him something he had lost. But Ba Ye had never been lost, he had been stolen, stolen because Zhang Rishan is selfish and thoughtless and cruel and - He has done this. He has done this to Ba Ye. And to Fo Ye. And -

He can’t breathe. How can he ever say this? How can he ever tell Ba Ye? He can never be forgiven for this, there is no way, absolutely no way. Look out for Ba Ye, that had been his order, the one most important to Fo Ye and thus the most important to Zhang Rishan. And he had failed, miserably - no, he had done the opposite! And for the first time in quite a while he wishes Fo Ye was the one with a long life and not him. Fo Ye would never have done something so stupid.

Unbidden he remembers the illusion he had fallen victim to below the Chen tree, Fo Ye with his gun pointed at him, disappointed, so disappointed and he wishes it had been real, that he had died that day so he would have never been able to come here today. But Ba Ye had been missing before, he had vanished before Zhang Rishan had ever been to this tomb and shared his memories with a god. There would have been no reason to wish to know what happened that day if nothing had happened. And that really makes his head hurt, how is it even possible? How does this work, today and the past linked like this? Like it had always been meant to be this way?

#I wrote this instead of sleeping #dmbj fic #mystic nine #zhang rishan #qi tiezui #fuba #wibbly wobbly timey wimey #ba ye

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yurtletheturtlehenderson · 4 years

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S.T. REWRITE - S2:E7; Chapter Seven, The Lost Sister - [Pt. 4]

A Will Byers x Reader Series

In their search for answers, psychic visions draw Eleven and Y/n to a band of violent outcasts and an angry girl with a shadowy past.

A/n: lots of flashbacks my dudes, sorry. Kinda messy since it happens at the same time as the back to back moment with reader so apologies if it's funky.

||3rd Person POV||

"It's me."

The world is black, but the familiar voice rings out like a beacon in the void. She can't remember entering, so she wonders why she is here. In the distance, Jane can see the all too familiar wooden table and the ham radio that sits atop the adjoining stack of trunks. The tiny lamp that rests on the wooden table provides a soft homey light that blankets the otherwise dark and cold void.

"I know that I've been gone too long, and uh..." It's Hopper, her policeman. "I just want you to know that it's not because of you. And it's not because of our fight."

Jane finds herself being pulled towards the machine, the soft pitter-patter of her feet against the pool of water provides white noise other than Hopper's shaky voice echoing through the radio. It's garbled, and it has the usual static form the machine, but she can sense his emotion. The lump in his throat.

"Something came up, and, uh, I'll explain everything soon. I just, um... I want you to know that I'm not-- I'm not mad at you. I..."

She can feel a lump of her own forming in her throat as she waits for the words, they are almost here and she stands patiently. She is breathing heavily, trying not to cry and that is when the words come.

"I'm just sorry."

She feels a hand grab her shoulder and her eyes rip open.

"It's okay." Kali soothes. "It's only me."

Jane sighs, and sits up slightly.

"Bad dream?"

Jane only closes her eyes, trying to will away the sleep plaguing them. Her gaze wanders to the empty spot next to her, and she looks to Kali who caught her gaze.

"It seems your friend has left."

Jane only stews at the spot Y/n once was and huffs, before banishing her from her mind.

"What time is it?"

Kali smiles at her response.

"It's late. You slept well. Come. It's time you meet my friends. Properly this time."

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Jane follows Kali eagerly throughout the warehouse, she had slept in her overalls and having gotten used to the temperature she had slipped on her jacket. She was being led to a new area she hadn't seen yet when the man with the crazy hair stepped into view with a small folded white box and two wooden sticks.

"We need more money, Kal," he says. "I can't keep eating this garbage."

"This is Axel," Kali states, leading into the room full of her friends.

"The spider hater?" Jane asks, eliciting several chuckles around the room.

"Yes," Kali says with a smile. "The spider hater."

She gestures to the crazy looking girl that with the large bow in her hair, she smiled as she twisted a lock of her oddly colored hair.

"This is Dottie, our newest. Like you, she just left home."

"You mean the loony bin." Axel shot, taking a swig from a white can.

"Mick," Kali gestures, to the woman in green with dark cloud-like hair. "our eyes, our protector."

She then looks to the large, seeming bald man with one long braid trailing from the back of his head. He smiles, stepping forward.

"This is Funshine, our warrior," Kali informs as Jane steps forward to greet him. "Don't let his size frighten you. Like I said, Fun's a teddy bear."

"Nice to meet you, Miss Jane." He says, holding out his hand.

Jane takes his hand, turning it over to find a blank wrist.

"If you're looking for a number, you won't find one," Kali informs, crossing over and taking a seat at the table.

"They're not like us," Jane says, in realization.

She releases the man's hand and goes to stand at the head of the table.

"No, not in that way." Kali answers. "But like us, they're outcasts."

"Outcasts?"

"Freaks," Axel says shortly.

Dottie scoffs. "Speak for yourself."

"Society left them behind, hurt them, discarded them," Kali explains.

Funshine speaks out, his voice is somber as he fiddles with his hands.

"We were dead, all of us. Kali saved us. Here," He pointed to his mind, and then to his heart. "And here."

"Don't get all mushy on us now, Fun."

"No, not mushy. True."

"Now we help her," Mick says.

Axel leans forward, his beer can in hand.

"In this life, kid, you roll over or you fight back."

"We're all fighters here." Mick finished.

"Fight who?" Jane asks, intrigued.

||Reader's POV||

I wince as the bus hits yet another bump, my head resting against the glass bumps against the windowpane once more. I tear my eyes away from the blurry green scenery of the trees we pass to check my watch for the umpteenth time, twelve twenty-five. We just left Illinois, but I still have a way to go. I'm thankful El still had money left over from Becky's, of course, I curse myself at the memory.

Mom is probably freaking out right now, I'm sure by now she's gotten word from chief Hopper. I don't what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'll possibly explain this.

Maybe I can say I was looking for Mews? No, that wouldn't work. For several reasons. I already told Dustin that I was at Will's and besides, I was reported as a possible runaway while on a secret trip with El. And no one was supposed to know about her.

Yeah, Mom's gonna flip.

And my fight with El keeps playing over and over in my mind, twisting my chest and stomach into uncomfortable knots. Everything about it left a sour taste on my tongue.

How could she say those things? How could she not see that I was looking out for her? Part of me wishes I could have just left in the middle of the night and never told her. Left without a word. Like she probably would have done to me.

The trees begin to slow, and an odd popping elicits from the back of the bus. It turns many heads including my own, and I spot the driver near the front. I see his face from the wide mirror overhead and it's clouded with worry and frustration.

Just as I feared, the bus grew slower and eventually pulled off to the side. Murmurs broke out all along the bus after the driver announces the issues with the bus. I wish I had taken a seat closer to the front as all the people around me have burst into angry complaints and I can't hear a word the driver is saying.

"Four hours? I need to get home to feed my dog!"

"My babysitter is off the clock soon, I can't wait that long!"

Four hours until we're back on the road? I can't wait that long either. I'm far too restless and I don't care if I have to walk. I am surprisingly restless given the amount I have exerted myself in the past twenty-four hours, and there is no way to tell if it is from some cleansing after effect or my fight with El but I need to move. I take a moment to kneel on my seat, and I glance out along the street studying my surroundings. Lucky for me, I recognize this spot, I'm not far from Becky's house. Which means I'm just on the edge of Hawkins.

I can walk that far.

And I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be able to afford a ride that went any further. Instead, I rose from my seat and slipped out the front. For all I know, it just might take me four hours to get home, but at least I'll be home by then.

||3rd Person POV||

Kali empties the box's contents onto the counter, dozens of badges, ID's and various records of previous or current employees at Hawkins Lab.

"Everyone you see here was in some way responsible for what happened to us," Kali informs, her team standing behind her.

Jane stands across the table from her, she picks a laminated card from the bunch to examine. She looks to her counterpart and raises a brow, her interest peaked.

"You hurt the bad men?"

Dottie makes a face, shaking her head.

"No," she says, sarcasm dripping from her voice. "We just give 'em a pat on the back."

[FLASHBACK]

A van screeches to a stop outside an undisclosed apartment building. Five masked figures exit the vehicle and storm the building. There is a knock on one apartment door, a confused man opens it only to be met with a bullet to the head.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

"You kill them?" Jane asks.

"They're criminals." Kali days simply, shrugging. "We simply make them pay for their crimes."

《•••》

Kali is seated in the passenger seat, her eyes closed and her hand raises to eye level. The van is racing at tops speeds as the police ride their tail as they enter a tunnel. With her full attention, and a sly smirk she whispers.

"Boom."

The cement ceiling of the tunnel explodes, debris falling and blocking the tunnel. The police cars swerve to miss the avalanche of rock.

《•••》

Jane examines the badge further, and it isn't until this has been explained does she realize the badge is sprinkled in splattered of blood.

"Damn, Shirley," says Axel teasingly. "What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Jane tears her eyes away to glare at the spider hater with the crazy hair. She notices that each of Kali's companions are smirking at her in a similar matter. Dottie merely shifts her weight to one foot and tilts her head, speaking sluggishly.

"We can't all be fighters, I guess." She sighs.

"I'm a fighter." Jane corrects. "I've killed."

《•••》

The second man spared a second to look before turning to her to try and restrain her.

Before he could even step foot in the room, he was dead on the floor, his neck snapped. All with the flick of her head.

•••

El stands at attention, she gravitates towards the front protectively in front of her four friends. The bad men surrounding them freeze and she tilts her head, her attention laser-focused on each and every one of the soldiers. They begin to twitch and squirm, and as her nose begins to bleed so do their eyes. A horrible squelching sound echoes throughout the hallway as the lights flicker violently and they each drop like flies, blood pouring out of their eyes, nose, ears, and mouths. Eleven had squeezed their brains like grapes.

《•••》

"Did these men you killed," Kali asks. "did they deserve it?"

Jane nods confidently.

"They hurt me."

《•••》

Eleven struggles to break free from the men's hold as they carry her by her arms down, back into the room.

Sobs track her body as she uses all her strength to turn and look back at Papa.

"Papa!" He steps out into the hallway and remains standing, doing nothing to help her, yet she still calls for him.

《•••》

"And they still want to hurt you," Kali presses. "To hurt us. We're just making the first move."

Kali nods her head, gesturing to the doors.

"Come."

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Kali and Jane break off from the others as Kali shows her outside. They walk for a short while, Jane once again finds herself taking in her surroundings as her friend explains. By now they had found themselves a great fair distance from the warehouse and they wander through a scrapyard of boxes, abandoned shelves, and steel shipment containers.

"I was just like you once," Kali says. "I kept my anger inside. I tried to hide from it, but then that pain festered."

"Festered?"

Kali comes to a stop and looks sadly to Jane unable to meet her eye immediately as she is forced to relive the memories.

"It spread. Until finally I confronted my pain, and I began to heal." She said, her voice growing excited before she continued on through the scrapyard.

Jane did not follow immediately, she almost felt stuck as those words echoed in her mind. She knew what Kali spoke of all too well.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Y/n ducks under yet another low hanging branch, her hand gently pushing it away. The pads of her heels had begun to sting but she presses on. Despite the long trek behind, and before her, she has yet to regret her decision to go on foot. Much to her great delight and surprise, she finds that she is not as tired as she typically might have been. Only minutes after her departure, when she was safely out of sight of the bus and its impatient passengers did she drift off into the woods where she would not be as easily seen.

And though she is hidden well within the trees, the wind manages to snake within the trunks and whips against her clothes and the exposed skin on her neck and hands. She feels the damp earth sink beneath her shoes and she is thankful her shoes were able to dry faster than her clothes - the one thing she successfully managed to dry with the aid of her abilities.

She realizes with a dry laugh that she has once again left without her clothes but she does not care anymore. Once again her mind drifts to her last conversation with El.

Jane, she reminds herself bitterly.

Y/n has given it much thought and she had admitted to herself she had assumed that El had used that name do draw less suspicion. It hadn't quite dawned on Y/n that she truly did want to assume that part of her identity and she feels a twinge of guilt. But she can't ignore the itch of it all, something nagging at her that something about that was off. It just didn't seem like the same person, but Y/n dismissed the thought and was able to admit to herself that she was in the wrong on that front.

But that didn't mean her feelings weren't still hurt. El- Jane, had completely tossed her aside the minute she laid eyes on Kali. Y/n could still hear - and see - that exchange all took well.

Sister.

It brought another pang of jealousy to her heart as she so desperately longed for such a connection. Y/n, of course, loved her bother and friends with all her heart, but her whole life she had longed for such an iron-clad bond with another girl. And she supposed she had that with Jane. But it seems it was one-sided.

Quickly, Y/n shakes the thought from her head. She was not partial to thinking about that night, that night had hurt her deeply and it would only exhaust her.

She focuses her eyes on the ground before her, watching her step as she navigates the uneven terrain hidden under layers fallen leaves when she noticed something. A very simple thing that would most likely go unnoticed by any other being, or even her if it were any other given moment. Y/n saw a flurry of leaves swept up in the wind, moving across the landscape like a wave crashing in the ocean. And much like many other times in her life, something so simple triggers a memory in her brain like a feeling triggers the memory of a forgotten dream.

The details, not only what it looked like but what it felt like, of the phenomenon of what she had experienced the night before. Not her fight with her friend, or the scary adventure that led her to the other side of Hawkins and all the way to Chicago, but the explosion in the old train yard. And while it had not quite been forgotten, merely set aside in the unfurling events of her split with Jane, remembering the event felt silly. What a catastrophic thing to have forgotten.

Perhaps it wouldn't be the worst idea to practice, she thought.

She was all alone after all, she was out of sight and far away enough from the road where she couldn't be caught. She knew not to strain herself of course, given the long walk ahead of her. But she was rather bored and she figured she'd never really get another opportunity like this. After all, she couldn't quite practice this in her room.

In the end, temptation - and boredom - won, and she gave a quick sweep of the area before she settled in one spot. Worried of the potential exhaustion she was in fact risking, she figured she could rest for ten or twenty minutes or so. This also allowed her feet a small break. She found a small gap in the trees, a long stretch of open space where she wouldn't risk a fire hazard on any of the tree trunks.

Y/n finds her focus driven on the path of damp leaves before her. Her hands outstretched and with all her might she pictures the path before her blown away into a small ditch in between the long stretching gap between the trees. The forest still smelled of rain and even the trunks around her were still a bit damp, though she did want to risk it. The wet sludge of fallen leaves before her was her goal and she planted her feet preparing herself.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Kali's heels hit the pavement as she jumps off the platform, Jane's sneaker-clad feet soon follow. Kali strides across the damp pavement and she turns to face the clearing as Jane joins her side.

"You see that train?" She asks, gesturing towards the large abandoned car.

"Yes."

"I want you to draw it towards us,"

Jane looks at Kali with unease, and Kalie gives her a sly smirk. Jane takes a breath but looks back at the train. She raises her hand, her mind focusing on the train and the surface around it. She can feel her mind strain and her hand trembles violently and all that comes to show for her efforts is the faint sound of metal creaking, and slight separation of the cart from its wheels.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

The wind had died down but still few leaves moved under her control. The signature blur emits from Y/n's hand, it reminded her of heat reflecting off concrete on a hot summer day. She felt herself smiling over the feat, but it quickly died out as her ability did. It quickly fizzled out and she felt a great strain on her body, and she sighed collecting her breath.

Something wasn't right. This wasn't how it went.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

"I can't," Jane pants, hands on her knees collecting her breath.

"Last night you told me you lifted a van once."

《•••》

Her vision locks onto the van barreling towards her and her friends, and she scowls. With one flick of her head, the van flies through the air and over their heads.

《•••》

"Yes."

"The bad men were trying to take you away again, and that made you angry."

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Y/n's mind flips through her memories, every experience she has had with her powers and her mind lands on the scene from the night she always chose to forget. The night they almost took her.

《•••》

A violent scream erupted from the young girl's throat, a scream that pierced even her own ears and ripped her throat raw.

A powerful force of energy exploded off of Y/n swept across the hallway mowed down everyone, including the man holding who had been holding her hostage. Most of the men were knocked into the concrete walls and slid down to the floor unconscious, blood dripping from their heads.

Y/n landed on her knees, Eleven only about a foot away who had miraculously avoided the line of energy while on the ground.

Panting, she looks up to the man several feet away, laying on his back slowly coming to, and with all the remaining courage and energy she can muster, she slowly rises to her feet, breathing harder, her fists clenched and eyes filled with rage.

《•••》

Anger. Anger was the common factor of every incident she realizes suddenly. This had been the first time she had allowed herself to dwell on the memories of that night. Ever since it had been much too painful to revisit and she never bothered. And yet all this time she had wasted, trying to figure out her powers, figure out herself, and she had been ignoring the answer.

And for the first time, she thinks not of the people she's hurt. But the comes who have hurt her.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

"Good. So, find that anger, focus on that, not the train, not its weight."

She raises her hand once more, and with a deep breath preparing herself for the task at hand. Not the boundaries she is preparing to test, but unlocking her heart and mind to the floodgates of bitter memories and untapped anger waiting to be unleashed.

"I want you to find something from your life. Something that angers you."

《•••》

The friend Y/n trusted most in the entire world, turned on her. Undeniable hatred and disgust in eyes instead of a loving gaze.

"Get out," Will seethes.

"What-?"

"I said, get out!" He hissed.

Y/n flinches at his tone, and backs away fighting tears and struggling to hide the hurt in her eyes.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

《•••》

"Now channel it."

The girl's hand trembles and the ground begins to shake as she unlocks this side of herself. the gates are opening, the gates to her full potential. She is strained but unwavering as she watches in glee as she moves the world around her.

"Dig deeper. Your whole life you've been lied to..."

《•••》

'THE MISSING EXPERIMENT'

Y/n gazed at the folder in shock, looking to her sleeping friend with fire in her eyes.

She had this with her the entire trip. And not once did she share it with her. Every file, every news clipping, every theory on her life that almost was. On her. And she was the last to see it.

《•••》

Anger rises to the surface, it is now all the girl can feel. At this moment in time, all she knows is white-hot rage and it is powerful enough to break the world. She is powerful enough.

"...imprisoned."

《•••》

Y/n loses the ability to speak when the man's eyes meet the agent holding her back. With one simple gesture, she is torn away from her brother and friends and straight into the man's clutches.

"What- what are you doing?" She cries, continuing to fight and kick against the steel hold.

An overwhelming storm of panic and frustration takes over and she begins to hyperventilate.

Instinctively, she struggles to turn in the agent's grasp to meet her brother's anxious and fearful eye and cries out to him.

"Dustin? Dustin!" She shrieks.

Her brother's desperate calls for her break her heart, but it turns to fire when she hears the man's voice.

"Y/n, don't fight it. You belong with us. We are your true home. Come home to us, Nine"

《•••》

She can feel her jaw clench, her muscles tense as she focuses all her energy - all her anger on the target before her.

"The bad men took away your home, you're mother,"

《•••》

"She was pretty." She began, smiling sadly. "She had [h/l] [h/t] [h/c] hair. And [s/c] skin. She was [y/h]."

•••

"She disappeared... Bang" El said slowly, a saddened frown forming on her face. "Gone."

•••

"So, my mom? She's...?" Y/n took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat and El nodded.

《•••》

Her whole body began to shake, a raw and forceful screaming tearing from her throat and piercing the cold autumn air. It was only a small fraction of her emotions, only a mere glimpse of a wild hurricane bursting forth from within her as her powers unleashed.

"They took everything from you."

《•••》

But then she saw it. The small, lifeless body. He was wearing the same red vest he wore on that night. She was speechless. Hot tears streaked down her cheeks and she forgot how to breathe. She collapsed into Lucas's arms, his own grip weak and shaky, and she buried her wet face in his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her tightly, a lifeline of his own as he witnessed the horrible sight.

"It's Will. It's really Will." Lucas croaked, unable to speak above a harsh whisper.

Y/n felt tears fall on her head, telling her that Lucas had started crying as well.

The noise she made was incoherent. She let out a painful wail and tore herself away from Lucas's embrace when she gathered enough strength.

"Will? Will!" She cried.

Lucas and Dustin pulled her back. She fought and screamed, her throat aching from the strain. All previous worries of being spotted were forgotten, wanting nothing more than to be by his side. She wanted to be with him. To see if it was really true. But she was too weak. Defeat set in and she went limp, collapsing onto the ground and hugged her knees. She buried her tear-stained cheeks in her knees and hid from the cruel world that took such a loving soul from her. She rocked back and forth trying desperately to convince herself that this was a nightmare.

•••

And it had been. Not even a week later had she learned his body was a fake. The bad men lied. To her. To his family. To everyone. They stole him away and they didn't care who they hurt.

《•••》

Blood dripped from her nose, spidery veins spread across her face and hands. The violent force of power overtook the world and her body but it felt fantastic. She felt truly free for the first time in her life.

"They stole your life, Jane"

The final and most forceful burst of anger comes forth, the final push she had been waiting for. The scream echoes and rings throughout the air long after she silences, and she collapses to the ground as exhaustion overtakes her.

She had done it.

Before her, a long deep trench stretches on for several feet. Y/n had uncovered not only the thick layer of damped leaves but several layers of earth creating a lengthy ditch where the earth had been carved. Raining down from the air were the discarded leaves raining down from the heavens like bright golden confetti celebrating her accomplishment. Y/n smiled despite her exhaustion, her hands on knees the palm of her hands still hot to the touch.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Jane collapses to her knees, gasping for breath and gazes at the train before her in disbelief. Distant cheers erupted in the distance and she looked to find Mick, Fusnshine, Dottie and Axel jumping, hooting and hollering.

"WAY TO GO JANE!"

She doesn't fight the smile that sneaks up on her and Kali kneels beside her, smirking.

"How do you feel?"

Jane nods, her smirk turning sly and confident.

"Good."

+++

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ikonislife · 7 years

Text

Please Stay.

- Hanbin x Reader (ft. Monsta X’s Shownu)

- Requested part 2 to Just Go. (I did write this piece so that it could be a stand alone so reading Just Go isn’t necessary but it does provide some context.)

- Angst, fluff (Eventually...It will be fluffier than a baby husky, I swear...)

-There’s one more part!

- Despite being the one to initiate the break up, Hanbin finds himself lost without you. All the while, the return of your past life poses an imminent threat that Hanbin knows all too well might be the end of you and him forever.

- A/n: I know this is so late, omg. (I’m so sorry @7n13bang *cries* I promised i wasn’t lying when I said I’d post it last week.) My stupid ass accidentally deleted a lot of this part off so I had to rewrite it from the notes I had saved. Plus I had some personal stuff with my family that came up so I’ve been a little more busy than usual. There’s still another a looooot more but I decided I’ll post this up for now since I’m already so behind. That and it was getting kind of ridiculously long so a 2 part sequel might be better. It’s not that fluffy yet but it will be 🙃 i promise!

Like being hit by a bullet. No… That would’ve been too nice, much too easy.

“La petite mort. Do you know what that phrase mean, babe?” He had breathed so effortlessly with his arms entangled around your body, chest heaved heavily, hair drenched from sweat. The lust had long left his smiling lips along with the last desperate plead of your name, lingering somewhere far in the air filled with the leftover wondrous scent of love.

“No but it sounds romantic.” The words tumbled from your lips, barely abled to pass the raggedness of your breath. Light summer breeze fanned your slick, sticky skin. The stars were shinning so brightly above but somehow his eyes twinkled just a bit brighter. His skin glistened from sweat yet you were sure that wasn’t why he seemed to be glowing so magnificently, so ethereal. The sweet and delicate perfume of the rose blooms dotting the green hedges just a half a field away bathed your worn bodies in its heavenly scent. Perhaps your vision blur from the hours of love making, perhaps just drunk in love, staring at Hanbin now, you could almost swore he had always belong here in the garden like some mythical fairy gracing you with his rare luminosity. His arms wrapped around your naked body shielding it away from the bashful stares of nature surrounding, fingers gently pulling the soft cashmere throw atop your legs as if it would’ve make a different. As if the quiet mouse running along the far edge of the fence or the moon would’ve forgotten about watching you given your most intimate act to him in the open field behind his vacation home just moments ago. As if the clouds above or the tree in the far corner of the field would’ve forgotten about your lustful begs and desperate screams of his name. As if the small divinely soft throw could cover your bare breast overworking to catch a breath or his sinful, dangerously revealing lower torso. He heaved a laugh so clear it made you question the transparent, perspicuous quality that the night always brought you, how it always calmed you no matter how insane the twist and turn of daylight might be. Everything about him changed how you view the world and for once, you don’t mind changing.

“It means the little death. The French uses it to describe the high and come down of sex. I know it’s a bit morbid but imagine having the incredible luck of sharing it with the person you love. You love them so much that the feeling they give you can only be liken to small deaths.”

La petite mort. The words echo, leaking into every dimension of your weary mind. You reached out to that comforting smile but its dematerialization left your finger helplessly grasping at thin air. No longer could you sense the wonderful warmth of his smooth skin under your finger tips or feel the lightening bolt he sent through your body with every touch ghosting by. His brilliant grin and the soothing voice hide away in the dark corners of your brain, leaving you lost inside your mind. Cold sweat breaking, you jolt awake. The tenderness of his smile replaces with the deafening silent of dead air grumbling around the empty room and the soft hum of your heater. A long sigh torn from you lungs by the loneliness of winter.

La petite mort. What your beloved bastard had never told you was the phrase has double meaning. The phrase can also be use the when a person go through events so trying, so torturous that they die a little inside. The way you live your life these day, you were sure he’d be proud you’re taking the double entendre of his words so literal. The tiny, little deaths your heart and soul experience every damn waking minute of the day are far from being pleasurable, far from the meaning the French loves to moan about.

The sickening scent of the bowl still full of mushy soup-soaked instant noodle permeates every crevice of your nostrils. Your cheek, redden from the icy surface of the marble dinning table, lift away in haste as your eyes wander around the cold room. You haven’t had a second to settle from the dream when a wave of crushing pain radiates from your chest. It was the kind of heart wrenching, gut twisting little death that’s pushing another round of stomach acid mixed with alcohol souring your throat. The kind that’s currently sending you pummeling for the toilet. The kind that vacates your lungs of air, leaving you aguishly gasping from the rush of the mundane memories of brushing your teeth together, nuzzling noses, fingers shyly inching together; The mundane memories to never be recreate ever again.

Once again collapsing onto the cold tiled floor, you curl yourself up against the corner of the small bathroom that had been more comforting these past few weeks than the soft plush bed that might as well be a nail bed. Every time you had laid down, his words, his laugh, his touch prick every inch of your body over and over again until it felt like fire. All you could hear was the random whispers of the night telling you about his day at work. It was something he did often. Being your little spoon, he’d lay in your hold, chatting away about how bad he felt for scolding a worker, the bitchy potential partner he had to deal with, asking you for advices on things you got absolutely no knowledge of. Other nights, he’d giggled madly in victory whenever he could coax a snicker despite you being on the brink of sleep by telling really bad jokes he had heard from his subordinates. On nights neither of you were too tired or in desperate need of each other, even the ghosting of his breath on your neck could make you come undone in matter of seconds.

You lost it all.

Once the harsh convulsing in your stomach had stop, you laugh. Laugh to make sense of all this nonsense.

We broke up.

You continue to laugh. Laugh at how much this hurt. Laugh at your pathetic brain keeps replaying the image of him dimming away through the crack of the closing door that night. Laugh at how much you hate him. You laugh so hard that the tears falling from your eyes might as well be ghosts, invisible and unnoticed.

No, Y/n you dumbass. We didn’t break up, he dumped you.

It had been two months since he broke your heart.

You didn’t hate him at first. How could you, he had done all this so you could have a second shot at “true love” as he had put it. He had sacrificed himself for the betterment of your life. How could you be angry at someone so selfless. You were frustrated, of course. Being blind sided like you did, frustration would be mildly putting what you were going through. You had thought everything was fine, best it had been in months even when he just up and left you...

As the the sun and the moon repeat their courting dance around the Earth again and again, it begins to sting. Your spent mind began to latch onto the lies and excuses he had given as a escape from the relationship you had thought you will always have. He left you... To fence for yourself, dragged away like garbage in the middle of the night by a man you barely know. For your own good. You couldn’t honestly understand why he would do such a thing, especially after you had begged like a dog for him to trust you. As the clock struck 12 again and again, bitterness became friend. Like the heartening one-sided love he decided you need all those years ago, all on his own once again, Hanbin decided your life for you. Except this time instead of giving you all your hope and dream, he decided to abandon you.

How dare he decided my life

Thank God for giving you Hyunwoo back.

Hyunwoo had arrived that night just as he was asked to. Confused and lost, he nearly died seeing your soulless form sitting at the front door of the grand apartment Hanbin had rented solely because he wanted you close, to have a private piece of heaven with you. See, you had lived nearly 45 minutes away from his house, 20 minutes away from his work and in his lovesick mind, that was too far. He needed you as close as possible to him. Well, none of that matter now.

Carefully hiding his pain, Hyunwoo picked you up with ease and made his way into the place you used to called home. He sat with you in front of the fireplace till morn, offering the strong shoulder you were accustomed to at one point in your life, the one you had leaned on million of times before. Beyond the pain of lost, you shuddered at how foreign Hyunwoo’s touch and support felt.

So this is how Hanbin will feel like some day…

Strange or not, you couldn’t denied the comfort Hyunwoo brought, like the old ripped teddy bear you had since you were a wee baby. Despite nearly losing all its stuffing, feeling near completely different than how it once was, the nostalgia alone could hold you through the roughest of nights. He sat in silent, absorbing all the pain you let out, all the sobs. Large hand caressing your hair, gliding along the dip of your spine, he whispered “it’s okay” like a prayer. A prayer for you to stop hurting. A lone tear slipped out of his small, kind eyes knowing this wasn’t the first time you had gone through this…

Straightening yourself up, you throw the messy locks into a high pony tail before rushing toward the sound of the door bell before stopping dead in your track thanking God Hyunwoo remains ever so gentlemanly and refuses to use the key you had given him to give you some privacy. You look like shit. Rushing back to the bathroom, you vigorously splash ice cold water onto the worn face hoping to brighten it a bit. The last thing you need is for Hyunwoo to see your dishevel self, he’d get too worry. For the all the long weary days that had past, he became your rock just as he had so long ago.

“You’re late!” you exclaim to hide the sadness in your voice, pulling the large body through the frame.

“Yah, are you still wondering how I fit through the doorframe? I do not have Santa’s magic so for the last time, I am not that big.” He groans at your daze stare, eyes tracing out the door, arms struggling with two large bag from the nearby market. Too far deep into your acting, you fail to see the small glint of sadness behind Hyunwoo’s kind eyes. He knows the joke, the overexcitement are mere diversions of keeping his worry at bay yet he follows along anyhow if it means you have one less thing to worry about. He knows it all too well from the last few weeks he spent with you. In between the constant fighting and the moment of silent out of sheer exhaustion were random jokes, too random for it to not be intentional. He knew you were just trying to cover up how far off the deep end you really were, really are, all for his sakes.

“Hyunwoo, you’re 6 ft. tall, muscular dude. In what world is that not big. Like you were big when we were in school, now you’re biiiig.” you quip, shaking your head incredulously at his definition of “big”.

“I am not 6 ft. Stop spreading false information before I sue you for defamation. We’ve been seeing each other nightly for over 2 months now, get over it.” He retorts, shuffling into the kitchen to settle the bags of grocery. Following suit, you trail close behind, finding a small giggle easing its way out from his silliness, heart thankful for the banter that bring some light to your darkness. Staring at the handsome boy busily whisking dinner together, your heart aches a bit less knowing you’re still lucky enough to have such a wonderful person to be the pillar of your life.

“I’m just joking. We were together for 3 years, did you really think I don’t know how big you are?” You wink, secretly lamenting over the past and the cruel tricks life played on you. It gave you two wonderful men then ripped them away from your hold in the worst ways possible.

“Oh God, there’s my perverted little Y/n. No, I KNOW. You used to make the biggest deal out of me fitting through the door of our old place every time we come home drunk. You were really embarrassing, you know that.” He raises an eyebrow at you, almost waiting for your outburst.

“Uh, excuse you. I am magnificent. Embarrassing... yea right.” You scoff at his blatant mocking face that’s currently sticking a tongue at you. “Said the asshole that also cried he’d die if I leave. You love me and you know it.”

“Yea, yea. You know I do.”

Hyunwoo eyes light up at the sight of you joking around, God know how painful it was for him to see the sunshine drained out of your expression. However, the crescent in his smiling eyes soon gone as his lips curl into a distasteful frown seeing your awkward body blocking his view of the small round dinning table.

“What are you hiding?” The firmness of his voice tenses your whole body. Looking much like a deer in headlight, you shake your head. His looming body has you feeling like a 3 years old hiding candy from her parents. Eyes averting to the floor, you timidly step aside knowing there’s no point in hiding your uneaten dinner from Hyunwoo. He’s already so close that you could feel the heat radiating from his body yet you're not scare of his large stature. You're mostly embarrass, guilt runs through your veins.

“Y/n…” His voice calling out your name so soft and caring. Before he has the chance to say anything else, you abruptly cuts off the sadden voice.

“I’m sorry, Hyunwoo… I know you’re disappointed in me.”

“Babe, I’m not disappointed. What on Earth make you think I would be. I’m worry for you. You’re not eating, even when you are, you’re eating shitty food...” He motions to the bowl of soppy noodle with a disgusted face, shuffling just a bit closer. “...that and all the drinking. No more drinking.” His words trail off before your face was gingerly lifted by the soft pad of his index finger. With a smile, what comes next takes all your breath away and replaces it with discomfort.

“ Plus, if you’re not healthy, how are you going to fight for Hanbin? If you die before he sees you, what good will that do.” He breathes out so easily the sentence you dread with a soft smile.

“I don’t know if I want to fight anymore…” was what you wanted to say, instead against your better judgement, you hid the truth.

“I feel guilty because you’ve literally been the best angel ever, taking care of me. All I do is just go against your words. You have your own problems too, don’t worry about me too much.”

Your vision suddenly blur and your face covers by the strong bicep, nose fills with that musk cologne just as you remember. Your hands find themselves wove around his sturdy frame, rubbing the broad back, leeching for warmth. A near muted chuckle drops from his lips as he presses a kiss atop your hair. You were always a handsy person and he loved to tease you about it.

“It’s the least I can do after all the shit I put you through. You’re a good girl, you deserve all the happiness in the world. Don’t worry, Hanbin will understand your side soon enough.”

“You think so...” softly sighing, you lean into the comfort of a strong embrace. It’s really true what everyone says, you really don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. Something as simple as getting hugs were never a problem in the past. Even before holding the spot of being a significant other in your life, Hanbin had always been there to offer a supporting hug whenever life gets a bit too rough, too calamitous. As a boyfriend, Hanbin had always cling onto you like a koala with separation anxiety. Even when he was down in the deepest pit life had thrown him down, he would still welcome your touch with wide open arms, preferred it actually. There was never a second in your life in the 2 years you’ve been together that he didn’t have any sort of contact with your body. Now, your skin-ship hours restricted to 7:00-10:30, the only hours you’re able to see Hyunwoo.

“Hyunwoo...” you whisper, fingers digging deeper into the warmth he has to offer, immersing yourself in the comfort his loving self brought.

“Yes, babe.” He sighs at he softness in your voice, a small smile flashes across his lips reminiscing of all the time you both had in in this position before, although now, you feel a bit different resting in his arms.

“You know I never blamed you for how we ended things right? I loved you to the moon and back, still do. I was so so so happy for you even if all those hurtful words and all our fights said otherwise. I was so thankful. You gave me the best 3 years even when you had no money, no time for love. You gave me everything you got and I felt so loved. You made me feel like I’m worth the world. I hope you know that. Please don’t look at our past with regret. Please don’t blame yourself or feel guilty.”

“I know. I love you too and don’t you ever forget that. Even when no one else in this world will be there for you, just know I’m there no matter what. I will forever look at our love as one of the happiest time in my life. You taught me how to really love someone and how to live. I just hated that our relationship had to end in such a rush. If I could do it all over...”

“I’d still let you go. You’re too precious for me to keep hidden away from the world. Everybody needs to know who Son Hyunwoo is, and now everybody does.” You cut him off with a smile as his eyes crescent into a smile of his own.

“You’re worth this whole galaxy, babe. Trust me when I say Hanbin knows that too. If he didn’t, he could’ve blamed you for being in love with me. He could’ve gotten angry that you were sharing your heart with someone else but he didn’t. He took the hard way out so you could take another stab at true love. I’m not saying he’s right. I think it’s kinda stupid to be honest but he’s hurting too. I know the guy looks like he’s a tough cookie but behind that cold facade is a softie. You should know this side of him best. Don’t be mad at him. I know you hate him right now but just, look at his heart, not his actions. Do that for yourself. Letting yourself lost in the embrace of hatred will do you no good, got it?”

With a few pets of the cheek, he parts way, heading back to getting dinner ready. Staring at him now, you’re glad he found his way back into your life even if the love you both share wasn’t what it once was, you’re just glad.

“Oh, I know. Since you feel soooo guilty about making me worry, how ‘bout you be my therapist.”

“UUUGHHHH, Hyunwooo~ you still haven’t confess to her yet? How many time do I have to say it, she freaking loves you. Man, you’re such a wussy ass.”

“HEY, if my memory served correctly, I confessed to your whinny butt back then.”

“Uh, I went to your place after that fight, okay? Mr. Wuss, you were just sitting in front of your house like a loser waiting for me to show up. If you don’t ask her out soon, I’m gonna swoop in and ask her. Don’t cry then. You know i’m really convincing. Like reeeealllly convincing.” With a smirk, you wink smugly at him inciting a panic gasp out of the boy.

“Okay, okay. Stop will you. I don’t need you stealing my girl... I’ll ask her when we go to Japan.” A bright shade of red flushes over his tan cheeks, the shy smile lingering on those thick lips had you mesmerized over the past, over how lucky you were to once be able to love Hyunwoo.

“Seriously, Ella is your personal assistant. Personal, do you know what that means, ya dummy? That means you got all the time in the world, all the excuse in the world to call her up but you don’t. I don’t get it, honestly. I mean you come over here and I can feel the boyish teenage hormones radiating from you from a block away. Just like do one of those thing where you call her into your office pretending it’s business then like i don’t know, take her over your desk or something. That sends a strong signal.”

“YAH, Y/N. I don’t need you meddling in my sex life.” Even his tan skin couldn’t hide how brighter than a boiled lobster red he is at this moment. So flusters he stands there waving the kitchen knife around like a maniac. You cackle knowing those eyes all too well. He’s so completely head over heel for the girl that even God can’t change his mind now. If Hyunwoo is anything like he used to be, Ella was going to be in for a treat once the nervous boy works up enough gut to do anything.

“What? it worked with me... I mean if she hadn’t caught onto your dumbstruck face every time she walks by yet, she might just be as clueless as you are.”

“Not everyone is perverted like you, okay. God, I take it back. You’re a horrible therapist.”

You were so busy bickering with the moonstruck boy in the kitchen that you hadn’t notice the air lifting. A sense of hope fills your lungs as you feed off the young love of a couple that has yet to be, wondering what Hanbin might be doing at this moment. Perhaps you might be just as lucky in your own love venture. Perhaps one day you’ll be able to move on.

Despite daylight barely breaking, the hallway leading to the big boss office is already buzzing with talks. Three young men huddle near the small office just outside the big fearsome grand doors, recalling their rare sighting of the boss.

“I’m telling you, he’s not a mean person.”

One of his young assistant, Lily, defends her boss, knowing full well what had happened in that office just weeks ago. Through your many days and nights of visiting, you had became close friends with both of Hanbin’s assistant. They too, just like Hyunwoo, had spent countless night binge watched sad movies and cried with you on the couch. They offer the solace of understanding ears and benefits of girl nights in, something Hyunwoo couldn’t. The affection, the doting best friends aside, like the equal sign, they were the only two that knew both side of the equation, getting glimpses of both side without bias.

“I’m just saying, if he wasn’t then he is now. Ruthless at that.”

“Of course you guys would defend him. He favors you two. We low men on the totem pole are different. You should’ve seen his stare. Man, I thought I was gonna wet myself.”

The other young men chimes in, earning a big slap from Jane. If Lily was Hanbin’s right hand, Jane would be his left, both his trustful helps. Like understudy of a big broadway star, they hide in the shadow, offering support when his work becomes overwhelming. Before they could say anything else, with the ruffles of his jacket, a sudden chill emerges from the fading dawn, washes the young men away back to their office as drab follow the young boss’s steps. Lily and Jane share a depressing look as his condition hadn’t seemed to better. He rarely leaves his office. That contagious smile that used to never leave his face had vanished with your shadow that night. It was as though the business coursing through his blood got amplified. He became scary, distant and cold, insufferable.

“Morning, boss.”

The girls speak in unison, earning a weak smile from the fading life in his face, evidences of another sleepless night visible. He had remained more or less indifference to the friends of his ex-girl. “Ex”, the word still hurt unfathomably even if he was the one initiating the break up. Deep down, he wishes they would just update him on your condition but alas, they were too fearful of crossing the line to do so.

“Any updates?”

He waits, sanguines about their answers, hoping the girls would finally get the hidden meaning in his words. His heart screams for the girls to just say anything, mention your name, even one word about you but he knows better. One can hope.

“We updated your meeting schedule for next week, adding in new appointments and…”Jane voice trails off, her body jerk at the sudden prod of Lily’s finger. Ever so reluctant, she continues with a weak smile. “… and uhm, Y/n was here again last night… We told her you had left early and she said she’ll be back.”

He had suspected you asked them to keep news away from him. If there was one thing he learned from the years you had so graciously given him was that you never wished ill will upon anyone nor would you want to incite pain. Having the girls update him would just be a knife in his heart but little did you know, he goes to sleep every night hoping the next crack of dawn, Lily and Jane would say anything other than you were waiting.

He knew he had no right to ask about you but he craves for your attention. Ultimately, he just want to know if you were alright. When you suddenly started to wait for him in the parking lot two weeks ago, he was elated. He couldn’t believe what he had heard, you were waiting for him, just like you would every night before he went and threw everything you both built away. Forgoing his jacket, he had actually run 15 floors down to the lobby before reality kicks in. He had broken up with you for a reason. You had beg, you had cried but he had to be strong for the sake of your happiness. If he gives into your pleading now, it was all for naught. The pain he had put you through would be in vain, his sacrifice would be in vain so ignored you, he did.

The very first time he had to walk away from you in the parking lot was like walking through the gates of hell. The way your cute smile dropped into a frown, eyes glistened with a few tears like fire searing his skin, melting his inside. All he wanted was to embrace you and never let go but he got in his car and drove away, watching your small body walks into the distant from the rearview mirror. He spent much of that night in his car crying. In all honesty, it hadn’t gotten any easier. You always just wait, so patiently with a smile on your face whenever he’d try to sneak a look, never once forcing your way into his path. Even in the low light of the garage, you still look as lovely as ever. It reminds him so much of the daily moments in life you deemed too unexcitable for a globe trekker, CEO big shot as he is. He had always just love watching you. The little noise you’d make whenever you find a picture of a cute animal on the internet, the little hum to random tunes whenever you cook, the weird little dance you’d do when you clean the house. Most of all he loves the fact that no matter what or when, the second you realize he was looking, the most beautiful smile would bloomed on your lips making his heart flutter like the first time he realized he loves you. You never realized that with you, there was no such thing as “boring”. The darkest corner of his heart wishes you will continues to wait, then maybe one day, he’ll succumb to your love. However, he knows that’s not realistic from the increasing disappointment in your eyes with every night past that he gives no reaction. He knows soon enough, your exhausted heart will give way...

What the young boss hadn’t realize was his faithful assistants had once again entrust you with helping them a month after the break up. Fearing for his reputation, his health, they confirmed your worst nightmare…

He wasn’t fine.

They had begged you to come check on him but by this point, your inconsolable heart had turned bitter and hateful. Something about nightfall brings clarity to the disarray of your brain whether it be a report with approaching deadline or matters of the heart. One cold lonely night when both Hyunwoo and the girls were away on business trips, in a fury of alcohol and despondency, you decided to blame him for destroying your life, for leaving you. You wrestled with the thought of seeing the face of the person that had repeatedly stabbed you once again many nights before deciding you deserve closure. No, you needed closure.

Pulling the collar of your trench coat higher, you shield the coughs hiding in your cold chest away. Your path litters with flashing neon lights and matching couple shoes. Trekking down the lonely path of January, a small smile cracks on your dry lips at the joy on each couple’s faces, wishing them the best luck in the new year. Heartbreak is something no one should ever have to go through yet life is a but a cruel mistress, only ever kind to a selected fews when it comes to happiness. You, Hanbin, Hyunwoo are not among those lucky fews.

Bowing to the night guard, you silently pass through as he smile understandingly, knowing your nightly trip is now for very different reason. Your feet drive themselves onto the habitual path toward the small metal bench beside the entrance. Your breathless pant hadn’t fade away before the creak of the door could he heard. Ignoring the sharp stabs on your bruised chest you rise up from your spot, hopeful as ever that today will be the day he gives into your incessant present. Your eyes glue to the the familiar tall slender frame, handsome under the black peacoat he had worn on your anniversary.

He’s smiling.

For the first time since you take upon yourself to do these nightly trip, he wears joy proudly upon the sculpted face. You let your heart drowns itself in elation even if it’s just for a micro second, even if it’s just pretend. You were at one point embarrassed about the unprecedented level of obsession you had over his smile. You had thought it was such a strange thing to be so devoted about but you couldn’t help but be in love with the joyous expression. Having accidentally confessed your little secret to him one drunken night, you were mortified, readied to break up when he not only assuring you it was alright, he showed you how happy he was to have you be so utterly in love with him that even his simplest expression could swoon you. Unknowingly, you smile back even if his weren’t meant for you but wishful thinking has its power.

It wasn’t.

You were suddenly reminded of the wonderful birthday last year happy in Hanbin’s arms. You both found your plan of exploring Amsterdam foiled by the sudden changed in weather that made even winter in Antarctica feels like a walk in the park. You awoken to Hanbin with that sad puppy face you never quite learned how to resist. He had worked so hard on making the anniversary of the day his love was born even better than the spectacular rooftop dinner the year before. All his sorrow unexpectedly found themselves washed away with the rain as you pulled up two chair onto the the porch of the small home he had rented for the week. With two pipping hot tea mugs in your hand, you cracked a smile that stilled his vexing heart. You spent most of the afternoon giggling about the most random things, snuggling close to his chest to get a glimpse into his heart as he talked about your future together. Neither of you were sure of anything but a dog named Benji and a house with a big yard flourishing with flowers were a few things you both decided on. Tea gone and the sky still hadn’t stop showering Earth with its pristine clarity, you curled onto his lap stealing some warmth as you reached out, letting the rain drops danced along your skin. A different kind of raindrop now dances on your shaky hands, your happiness once again slips through the crack of your fingers, evaporating without a care for what it left behind in its wakes. The adorable giggle echoing through the parking garage, pushing its way into every crack of your heart, breaking it just a bit further. Your heart sinks, sinks so far down you were sure it was lost upon the stars, within a blackhole. Not a second later, like an angel, she floats across the concrete floor in a tight yet elegant dress, neat curls bounce with every click of her expensive heels. A silent tear streams down your frozen face as he wrap his coat around her small shoulders, the smile never left his face as his eyes gaze deep into hers lovingly. Defeated, you blend yourself into the background, watching, feeling like a fool for being hopeful.

Sharp pain sears through your chest as the coughs had fought its way into the cold night. You press a hand over your lips, suppressing the ugly onslaught of coughs and a choking sob, careful not to break the invisible shield you had decided to put up.

He had moved on…

Like a zombie, you wander aimlessly, bumping and pushing without care, letting yourself fade into the darkness. You were once the golden threads that hold his life together, woven light into his lonely days but now... She’s like a sky full of diamonds, illuminating his path with her brilliant, unachievable luminosity. All you can do now is to step away and accept the event unfolding even if you don’t understand. If you can’t give him happiness then the least you could do was to pave the path for him to move on, to say one last goodbye even if you don’t mean it. Tonight, you will cry one last time over Hanbin.

Coat wrinkled from the sleepless night, you found yourself once again walking the path of self-destruction except this time you breach the entrance. You let your spent legs carry you down the same old path that weren’t yours any longer. Disturbing the dull elevator music, the interface ping indicating you have arrived at the 15th floor. How funny just one night changes everything. Countless night you had spent staring at yourself in the mirror surface, making sure your outfit and make up on point to meet the man of your dream not thinking twice that one day, this short trip would feel like an eternity of pain as you journey it one last time. A second before the set of shiny cold metal doors part way, you let out a long sigh eyeing the emotionless, empty reflection of yourself staring back. One last time before you’re free. Even before you reach the small door aside his big ones, you could already hear the scream of hope, of longing joy that their prayers had been answered.

“Oh my god. You’re finally here… Thank God.” Gleeful, Jane pulls you by the arm, holding your windswept, unkempt body close. You’re abruptly acutely aware of how gross you must be, feeling guilty of letting them be near you in such a dishevel state.

“We were wondering when you’d come by. Wait here with us, it’s 7:00 now, he’ll be here soon you know.” Lily chimes in, exuberance oozes along with the small desire for Hanbin’s wellbeing. All they wish is for their two friends to once again be happily in love. More than once they had made it a point to thank you for making their boss the happiest they had seen him in a long while.

A dejected “I know” slips out, ending the cheerfulness in the girls’ faces. Pushing a white envelop in Lily’s hands, you sigh a soft smile.

“Give this to him will you? Tell him I said thank you and I won’t be bothering him any longer. Oh and that I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no. Y/n, you can give it to him yourself. Look just 15 minutes, he’ll be here. He called me like 5 minutes ago... He’ll be 10 minutes top. Come on, stay here with us. you know he wants to see you.”

“I can’t... I’m sorry. I decided I’m not going to cry over him anymore. It’s time I get to be selfish. I can’t keep up with this much longer.” You whisper as your heart clenches knowing none of the words really meant what it suppose to. Like a puppy in a toy store, you let your gaze ballets around the room not really able to focus on anything, fearful of the storm your eyes might bring if you look into the girls’ eyes.

Panic engulfs the young faces. They had thought you finally come and answer their prayer, be the savior their exhausted boss needed. With the small shake of the head, you bid goodbye before disappearing into the elevator. You have to get out of there, need to. You can’t bear seeing his face, look into his eyes because then, you don’t think you’ll be able to walk away. There was nothing left to hold you here, not when he had moved onto newer and better. Rushing away before the fatigue of meandering the city all night long sets in, you just have to get home.

Having given up on driving entirely from sheer fatigue, Hanbin sits silently in the spacious leather backseat of his company car, a folder in his hands. The same one he had read the first sentence of the first page for about 30 minutes now without really comprehending what the hell it was saying. All his thought immediate diverges to you, aching even more that he hadn’t seen you the night before. He absentmindedly flattening, smoothing the lapel of his jacket that somehow seems to still smell like you. He couldn’t quite remember when or where you had put this on but he remembers the how. He distinctly recalls the playful glint in your eyes as you swiftly pushed pass his body, body slightly hunching over hiding something in front of your stomach. He had chased after you, laughing as he called for you but of course you were never one to back down from a fight. You thrown the jacket on hastily and continued to run even when you knew he was so much faster. You had ran until he picked you off of the ground and tickled you until you cried. A small chuckle graces Hanbin with its presence. Something that was so bountiful when your shadow was still lurking. Now, it was rarer than sighting of unicorns. Like all good things in his life, the small happiness he gained from his reminiscing soon washed away as his face engulfs in sheer terror. He might never be able to hear you laugh, ever again. His smile falters and once again, he leans back onto the spacious leather backseat, rereading the first sentence of the first page.

Eyes longingly stare at the passing scenery, misery emanates from the way he sighs, every breath he takes. Fingers absentmindedly tracing out the curves of your name on the frost bitten window, he feels worse than usual, feeling so stupid for not checking if you had been sitting there waiting before leaving for dinner. He had been so wrapped up in the attention of his companion to notice. As the black luxury sedan bends around the curve of the parking’s entrance, his eyes latch onto your bench like a starving leech, imagining the small smile you’d display every time he comes into view. Letting his thought lost in the universe he whispers your name, wondering if you would come tonight.

Like magic, you materialize out of thin air at his summoning spell, looking perhaps a bit more worn than usual but as always, stunning. He observes the sharp breaths you take, the tired steps and feels his heart smashing. The small shivers, the unfocused eyes, the rubbing hands, something isn’t right... He can feel it. His eyes couldn’t strays away from your fast moving steps. He had sunken back down into the seat before giving into his gut. With a tap of the shoulder, he commands his driver to follow you down the empty street of morning, wishing you would just call a cab instead of traipsing in the cold all alone. What happens next turns his world upside down, giving him all the reason to never doubt his gut ever again. Leaning against the wall of the old convenience store, you clutch your chest in pain before collapsing onto the hard ground. Hanbin jets out of his car faster than a shooting star, holding your lifeless body close hoping to give you all his warmth.

“Baby, oh God. Baby, wake up. shit.”

Wasting no time, he carry you back into his car before it speeds off into the horizon. Never before in his life had he feel this frightful. Clutching your limp body in his lap, he gives himself no time to cry as sheer consternation shoot through every single vein in his body. Hands tracing out the cold features of your serene face, he couldn’t help but whispers your name desperately, hoping you’ll respond to the sound of his voice.

Waiting is painful as Hanbin vexingly paces the small hall way in front of the locked door that holds his entire life. Having been kicked out by the doctor for not letting go of your hand, he rages at his incompetent, powerless in every way. He has absolute control over every aspects of his life but standing here, hanging onto the smallest sound coming from the room, he feels vulnerable, defenseless. All the money in the world, all the juice he got and you’re still laying alone in the roomful of strangers. All he wish for is to be there when you open your eyes, to give you some solace.

After an hour, the rhythmic mechanic beeping of the your steady heartbeat did nothing to soothe Hanbin’s heavy heart. Looking at you laying there so still, endless tangles of wires coming out every which way, he feels so helpless. Anger rising, how could he had been so careless. He knew you were waiting in the cold but did nothing. Now… Now all he could do is sit here and stare at your expressionless face, with his hands tie behind his back, utterly useless.

Holding your small frail hand, he presses it to his lips, letting them trace out every wrinkle, every bend, down to the small mole on the back of your hand. There was never a need for him to memorize the ways of your hands as you were always gonna be there until his last breath on this planet. Now, he regrets not studying them with greater details.

“Baby, wake up. I’m here. I’m right here. Won’t you look at me? Y/n, I’m waiting for you right here. Come back to me, baby. We can talk till morning come, that’s what you want right? for me to listen to you?”

Words of a desperate man. Pathetic sobs soak your soft skin. He had so many chances, if only he had turn around. What good does staying strong do if you’re miserable. How stupid was he to think that ignoring you would be the solution. The sudden click of the door tears his eyes away from you just long enough to see the older gentleman in a white coat sauntering into the room.

“Mr. Kim, I wish I could say good to see you again in better circumstances.”

With a small smile, he nods for the gentleman to continue.

“She appears to have an acute case of pneumonia on top of physical exhaustion, and dehydration. Pneumonia on its own isn’t worrisome but her body is weak beyond just simple exhaustion. We had her on drip and antibiotic but…”

At the sudden pause, Hanbin eyes dilate in fear.

“But?”

“I haven’t seen pneumonia this severe in a long time. It seems she has been suffering from it for a little while now without getting treatment so I fear antibiotic won’t be enough.”

A hopeless “oh God” rips the silent of the room, weighing down the air even further. The worst scenarios run through his mind. He could live without you knowing that you’re happy even if it’s not with him. The thought of you completely vanishing off the face of the Earth is one he never wants to think of. What would he do. Surely he won’t be able to survive.

“You, you can help her right? Tell me she’ll get better.”

“My hope is for the high dose of antibiotic to work. My fear is that it will spread through her other organs or fluid build up in her lungs will complicate the situation.”

Hanbin’s jaw drops. The thought of his precious girl having to go through all these physical pain all alone kills him.

“If those situations arise, our last resort would be surgery. The upside is we’ve caught this and begin treatment. Although not out of hot water she’s very strong. The chance of death being an option is non-existent so we continue to monitor her. I suggest having her stay until fully recover as sometimes patient do relapse. Especially since the weather hadn’t been that great outside. If she catch another cold then we’ll be in very serious problem.”

“Do whatever you need to do. Money is not a problem. All I want is for her to wake up and be healthy.”

Nodding understandingly, the doctor excuses himself, giving back the privacy Hanbin needs. The hand that never left yours now move to brush your tangled hair gently, petting it delicately.

“Did you hear that, baby? You gotta be strong. Be a good girl and fight it. I’ll be here with you every step of the way. Do this for us, be strong for us.”

He thought about pressing a kiss onto your motionless lips. How satisfying would it be to finally kiss those lips he loves so much once again but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not after all that he did. He sigh at the irony of it all. How he had wish you would stay by his side but fate granted his wish in the worst, most twisted way it could by having you in a coma.

Days passed and your hospital room is beginning to feel more like an office. The small coffee table, the couches, your side table all strewn with endless amount of documents and files. On the grey plush suede couch nearby lays an exhausted Hanbin, passed out cold with his glasses still on. He couldn’t bother to fuss with contact lenses, not when you need all his time. He trades in his suit for casual jeans and tshirt, curl up with his laptop still in his lap. The rhythmic beeping of your heart no longer visible to the second resident to this room, he had learn to drone the noise out by the 2nd night here. Jerking awake from the creak of the door, his eyes immediately grasp onto the bed in case you had woken up while he was asleep.

“Oh, morning mom. I thought Y/n woke up...” He sits up groggily, throwing his glasses carelessly aside to rub his eyes.

“My poor babies. I brought you home food, you need to stay healthy for her. We should really clean up the room too.” Hanbin’s mom whispers as she glances around the room. She couldn’t help but let out a few ‘tsk’ at the state of your hospital room that resemble the mess of her husband’s office an awful lot. Examining the small boxes, Hanbin’s attention once again on the creaking door as the older Mr. Kim arrived.

“How is she?” he says, voice laces with concern of a father. He had taken a liking to your spunk and will to work for everything you got. Before the relationship went south, many weekends you would spent sitting in the patio chatting about the mundane of life. He had never forgotten the joy in living a simple life even if they barely had enough to make rent. He often picked your brain about the simple things in life, the complication of wealth, and really just any random topics that came along.

“She’s responding to the medicine, which is good. No surgery needed any longer...”

“But?” His mom warily speaks up, fear rattles her usually poised and graceful tone.

“The doctors aren’t exactly sure why she won’t wake up...” His voice trails off, eyes tracing the lines of your face. No longer did your lungs require aid in breathing, the plentiful wiring was also taken away yet you refuse to open your eyes. Laying there like sleeping beauty, your prince Charming stumps at what else he could possibly do just to see you smile just one more time.

“What? then we’ll get better doctor, nicer hospital...” Mrs. Kim’s voice is near cracking now. She couldn’t help herself watching you laying there in such disturbing silent. In her eyes, you were never one to be still for long. Whether it be running around with her daughter or helping her in the kitchen, you were always on the move. The only time she had ever seen you in such a tranquil state was during your long talk with her husband, or the moments when you get so lost in the sight of Hanbin that you simply took a step back and admired his marvelous self. She knows in the state of your relationship with Hanbin now, neither of those things are longer plausible. Calls it mother’s intuition or whatever you may, she had always voiced her opinion strongly about keeping you around until her days in heaven. Tear brimming her long fluttering lashes, she sighs a regretful breath of how wrong she was and how much she wishes to be right.

“It won’t help, mama. The doctor, they said even though it’s irrational and there’s no proof, the human’s brain is complicated. This weird phenomenon, it’s often seen in terminal cancer patient, the- their will to fight gives them hope and that in turn affects the outcome of their treatment, even if it’s just by a little bit. Y/n, for whatever reason, they think she’s unwilling to wake up, that she wants to stay in her coma... Medically, she’s almost pristine. Emotionally...”

He sighs the sigh of that perhaps only world leaders would understand. Millions of thoughts run through his mind, worrying about the company, worrying about you.

“... I’m so scare. I have to leave for a business trip soon and.” he chokes on his words, images of worst case scenarios fumbling through his mind. For the first time since he was a kid, he parents witness his tears out of the pure fear of never getting you back. “and what if something happen when I’m gone.”

A firm hand grips onto his shaky shoulder, offering a few supporting squeeze. His mom holding onto your hands tightly, petting and caressing as if nudging your sleepy self toward the sunshine of Hanbin’s love.

“I’ll take care of the oversea trip, you hold down the fort here while I’m gone.”

��No, dad. She hates when I skip work because of her. The last thing I need is for her to be mad at me the second she wakes up.”

Father and son share a chuckle of the quirks that makes you so dear in their eyes. Although a man of few words, Mr. Kim shares with Hanbin a supporting look, telling his young inexperience son that everything will be alright. Mrs. Kim leans in pressing a small kiss to your forehead before taking her husband’s hand, eyes still lingering on your face, hopeful that you’d open your eyes any second now. Seeing his parents off, Hanbin returns to your bedside, praying to all the Gods for your safe return before packing up. Allowing himself a moment of selfish, he crawls under the cover to hold you close.

“Y/n ah, do you know how much I miss you? Everywhere I look, I just see glimpses of the past. I know I haven’t been good to you lately but please don’t punish yourself because of me.”

His voice weaken almost to a whisper at the possible reason why you’re still asleep. Pressing a big kiss onto your lips for the first time in almost 3 months, he feels your love coursing through his veins, reviving the dismal heart he had been neglecting.

“I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy. You must hate me so much right now. That’s why you won’t wake up, right? Because in your dream, you don’t have to see the ugly betraying monster I’ve became. I’ve always admire how much faith and love you put in me. You gave me your life line to protect, to hold but instead I cut it in half. Trust me when I say that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I thought I was going to die when I saw you cried, the disappointment in your empty stare when my assistant took you away... Just wake up, baby. All I want to do is making sure you’re healthy. After that, after that you can cuss at me, hit me, slap me, leave me. I don’t care what will happen to me, what will become of me. I just need to know that you’ll smile again, even if it’s not with me. I love you. Can you hear me? I love you, Y/n. All I want is for you to please, please stay with me but I know I lost that right so... Please, baby. Just wake up. Wake up and I promise I’ll do whatever you want me to. I love you so much.”

With one last lingering kiss to your forehead, he fasten a dainty shiny silver chain around your neck, hanging from it a worn gold band. Your worn gold band. Shedding the wrinkled, filled with crease from the strange sleeping positions on the couch sweater, he places it next to your head with a hopeful grin. Very early on in the relationship, you once timidly whispered to him your peculiar obsession over his scent. You didn’t know how or why but it always seems to calm you down no matter the situation. You had thought he’d stare or call you weird but instead, he pulls you close, pressing your face onto his chest, indulging you in your obsession that he doesn’t view as weird at all, not one bit. To him, these little quirks are what made you so you and so dear in his heart. He even took a long inhale, muttering something about always loving how your hair always smells like apple in response to calm your embarrassment about loving his scent. Ever since then, he made it a point to leave you his clothes whenever he has to leave for long business trip. He can only hope his sweater will act as a light, guiding you back to him.

Grudgingly walking away, a sudden intruding thought furrows his brow, his lips curl into a distasteful frown. Where the hell is Hyunwoo. Too lost in his thought, he closes the heavy door to give you some quietness from the bustling hallway, fails to notice the small twitches in your fingers.

Part 1: Just Go Part 3: Always Mine

#ikon #ikon scenarios #ikon hanbin #kim hanbin #hanbin scenarios #ikon b.i #b.i scenarios #hanbin imagines #ikon imagines

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