St Voyager - Ex Post Facto “Maybe I kill myself slowly because I don’t have the courage to do it all at once.”

Staff Meeting

(So....I am working on a prompt from the lovely @jhelenoftrek but this little thing came out first. Namely because I often sit through staff meetings wanting to eat my own arm. I'm sure that staff meetings in the 24th century won't be any better!) Staff meeting Janeway stretched her neck left to right, tugging out the tension that threatened to evolve into a blinding headache. Tuvok droned on. And on. And on. In fact he'd droned on for at least 20 minutes and it seemed unlikely he would end any time soon. Silently, she cursed her own organisational skills for planning in regular staff meetings and always adding an AOB section to the agenda. It had always seemed such a good idea to ask other staff members to input their thoughts at the end of the meeting and, to be honest, it had always worked well. Until now. Tuvok ALWAYS had an AOB, one guaranteed to take up at least half an hour and with the ability to suck the life out of your body and leave you wanting to stab yourself in the eye with sharpened Leola root. Currently, Tuvok was discussing the finer points of an upcoming training session for lower deck staff. Everything had to be planned to the nth degree, timings, grades, previous results...blah, blah, blah! Janeway looked around the table of her senior staff. B'Elanna appeared to be currently planning a slow and painful death for Tuvok, her eyes were narrowed and if looks could kill, Tuvok would be dead by now. Tom was asleep. Openly asleep. Head back, mouth open asleep. Janeway stifled a snort and stared at the table in order to hide her amusement. Harry, (bless him), was attempting to look engaged in the topic. He was trying to keep his eyes on Tuvok whilst trying forcing an expression of interest on his young features. To her left, she felt Chakotay shift in his seat. She glanced at him and realised he was fiddling with something under the table. She turned her head and noticed he was playing a game on his PADD. Her eyes went wide at the sheer audacity and she was cross, more with herself for not thinking of that too. She quickly typed out a message. "If Tuvok sees you!" He smirked as the message appeared on his screen and quickly tapped back, "I'm hoping he does see me. He might demand my demotion and then I won't have to attend these anymore!" Janeway almost laughed out loud as the message appeared on her screen. She was about to message back when she heard Chakotay clear his throat, his foot knocking against hers to nudge her attention back to the room and she realised all eyes were on her. "Are you well, Captain?" Tuvok asked, one eyebrow raised. Next to him, Tom snorted himself awake and quickly rubbed his eyes. "Quite, quite! Erm, thank you, Mr Tuvok for that.....enlightening talk. Now, if there's nothing else...?" She made to get out of her seat but... "Actually, Captain, I have an AOB!" Neelix's hand waved vigorously in the air. An audible groan emitted from somewhere around the table. Probably B'Elanna. She watched as Tom settled back for another snooze. "Can it not wait?" Janeway asked, hoping he would take the hint from the glare she was sending his way. "I'm afraid not, I'd like to discuss the food wastage we've been having recently. I'm thinking we should start measuring how much we waste each week..." Janeway sank back into her seat and sighed as Neelix started twittering away. ----- "Three hours!" Chakotay laughed, handing Janeway a chilled glass of white wine and settling down onto the couch next to her. "That has to be a record! I thought you were going to kill someone!" "The thought had crossed my mind. Believe me!" Janeway groaned, stretching her feet out on her couch, sipping her wine. "I don't know about you, but the thought of 70 years worth of staff meetings with Neelix and Tuvok makes me want to throw myself out of the nearest airlock." Chakotay sipped his own wine, eyes sparkling and with his free hand manoeuvred Janeway's feet onto his knee. "Get in line Commander, I'm first!" Janeway laughed, enjoying the contact more than she was afraid to let on. "This can't go on. Tom was comatose. B'Elanna looked ready to eat her own arms and Harry....well that boy needs to get a grip and stop looking so interested." Chakotay began to rub at Janeway's left ankle. "What can we do?" she asked. She wondered if she should be concerned by the intimate way she was sitting with her First Officer, but thinking about that was too hard and she wasn't sure she'd like the answer so she pushed that to the back of her mind. Leaning against the back of her sofa, she took another sip of wine and rested her head against her arm. "If only we could time a red alert during each meeting." Chakotay mused. Janeway thought for a moment, ideas racing about inside her mind. She sat upright and dazzled Chakotay with her most enchanting smile. "Not a bad idea, Commander!" She clinked her glass with his, her eyes glinted as a new idea formed. ---- The time for staff meeting was approaching. Janeway glanced about the bridge and watched as Ensign Rowlins took over from Tom. He glanced at her to see if she was following and she signalled for him to go on ahead. Slipping down onto the lower deck, she sidled up to the young Ensign. Ensign Rowlins looked up and blanched white, wondering what she had done wrong. "If....say in around an hour there should be an issue with the engines, please feel free to make me aware of those issues. Maybe don't even call me, just make me aware." Janeway whispered. She glanced back to make sure Tuvok was nowhere near her. "Pardon Captain?" Rowlins looked at her as if she was speaking a different language and Janeway mused that the girl probably wasn't far wrong. "About an hour Ensign. Engine issues. Do something fancy, but make it look realistic." Janeway re-iterated. She gave the girl what she thought was a knowing look but poor Rowlins looked back at her as if she had just sprouted another head. "I'm not sure that I follow." Rowlins said slowly, clearly worried she was not exactly giving the right impression to her Captain. "An hour in a staff meeting is all I can take! With Tuvok! Get me out of it! One hour!" Janeway hissed in exasperation. Realisation dawned on the young pilots face. "Understood." She smiled at the Captain and turned back to the console. They'd just begun the AOB and Tuvok had taken to the floor. Janeway looked at the chronometer and willed Rowlins to act. Out on the bridge, Rowlins looked at the chronometer and smoothly switched off autopilot. She then keyed in the codes that were the equivalent of throwing Voyager out of 5th gear and right into 2nd at high speed. Voyager lunged violently as momentum was lost, the engines screaming in protest. As quick as a flash, she keyed in a new code and Voyager continued merrily on her way whirring back up to full impulse as if nothing had happened. In the ready room, everyone had been flung forward during the incident. Janeway whacked her badge the nanosecond she felt it happen. She was on her feet, dismissing the staff, before Tuvok even opened his mouth. Out on the bridge, Rowlins said she had no idea what happened, a slight malfunction it appeared. Janeway told her not to worry and gave the young woman a wink and mouthed "thank you!" "Captain, should we resume our meeting?" Tuvok asked from his station. "No!" Janeway's response was sharp and harsh, she quickly softened her face and waved her hand dismissively, "I mean, it'll have to wait now," --- Chakotay placed their plates on the table in his quarters as Janeway recounted her conversation with Rowlins. "Sneaky!" he laughed as he sat opposite Janeway and poured them both a glass of red. "It worked though!" Janeway grinned, clearly pleased with herself. "Here's to shorter staff meetings!" Chakotay held up his glass and clinked it with hers. --- For three weeks Janeway managed to pull it off. Each meeting would be cut short by Rowlins sabotaging something that required the captains attention. However, Tuvok began to get suspicious and commented that he would have to make a careful study of Rowlins' ability to work efficiently. Janeway realised she had put the young woman through enough and so had to concede that the game was up. Chakotay told her he had a plan to make things more interesting. During the next meeting, she found herself so bored she was afraid she'd start crying. Tuvok was discussing a report and was deliberating the finer points of the headings the report required for them to ponder. The only pondering taking place was from Tuvok. Tom was actually drooling today in his sleep. B'Elanna seemed resigned that murder was not an option and instead was drawing patterns with her fingers on the desk. Even Neelix was asleep. She glanced at Chakotay wondering how and when he intended to liven this up. She spotted the familiar glint of mischief and saw him reach slyly to his left and sharply pinch Neelix in his side. "HIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" Neelix squealed shooting out of his seat, eyes wide and whiskers bristling. Chakotay schooled a shocked look at the Talaxian., his hands quickly back in his lap. Janeway almost fell off her seat, stuffing her hand into her mouth to prevent the laugh threatening to escape. Tom shot up in the air instantly awake and B'Elanna's head snapped up so fast she almost dislocated her neck. Neelix launched into a frighteningly rapid series of sneezes that were persistent, loud and wet. He tried to apologise, but each word was punctuated by another sneeze and a globule of Talaxian snot. Janeway quickly called for the Talaxian to be transported to sickbay and in the ensuing rush terminated the meeting. Later, she relived the experience with Chakotay, snorting with laughter as she recounted Neelix's apology to her from sickbay. He couldn't understand what had triggered such an attack as such fits only happened when a Talaxian had been pinched on a sensitive nerve running down their sides. Chakotay's eyes sparkled as she asked him how he knew just where to pinch. "I overheard him telling someone in the mess hall a few weeks back. I stored it for further use!" "Whilst hilarious, I'm afraid it was a one off opportunity." Janeway sighed, mirth still dancing in her eyes. "Sadly yes. Your turn next!" Chakotay grinned. ---- Janeway was pondering the prospect of painting eyes onto her eyelids in the hope that Tuvok won't notice that she was asleep. He was once again talking about something...she can't actually remember what....something about the computer? Or a dispute? Or was it a system reboot? Sighing, she can't even think of how to liven up the meeting, she's just about to fake a faint when Chakotay suddenly speaks up, interrupting Tuvok mid-flow. "Sorry Tuvok, but the Captain and I have been talking and we feel that staff meetings should now be based amongst our teams and only senior meetings should take place in the event of first contacts or following a red alert. As of next week, all leaders are to hold a team meeting and report back to us of their discussions." Chakotay's tone was even, but certainly suggested the matter was not up for discussion. Janeway gaped at him and felt a smile of relief flood her features, but quickly schooled them. "Yes, I'm sure you all agree it's a more efficient way to work," she added smoothly. A chorus of relieved, "Aye captain"s follow this, except from Tuvok, who tries to argue, but is quickly quietened by Janeway's trademark glare. The meeting is dismissed and Tom can be heard saying, "Thank God for that, though where will I catch up on my sleep now?" ---- "You weren't angry with my suggestion?" Chakotay asked over their dinner that night. "Angry? It was genius! That's why you are my first officer! What ever would I do without you?" Janeway replied, smiling softly across at him. "Still be in a staff meeting?" Chakotay joked, avoiding her soft gaze. "Probably!" Janeway laughed. "Seriously though, what would I do without you?" "Drink even more coffee?" "Well....yes, but tonight it's wine!" she looked at him with an expression that could be taken the wrong way by a desperate man. "Thank you again...I'd be lost without you." "Kathryn....." Chakotay's voice softened into something resembling wistful sadness. "Not tonight, Chakotay," Janeway held up a hand, rose from her seat and moved to lean against the table where he was sitting. "Let's just enjoy this momentary freedom." She leaned down towards him, he leaned up in answer, eyes closing as lips approached lips. *Tuvok to Janeway.* "Janeway here.....I hope this is important?" Chakotay leaned back as she spoke, eyes resigned. "I'm sending over my report from my team meeting that I held once the senior meeting ended. There are a number of things I want to make you aware of..." The PADD on the table beeped and Janeway picked it up. "OK....oh! 64 pages? That's a lot of reading, Tuvok," Janeway's eyes widened. "I really could do with your advice by tomorrow Captain." "Understood." "Tuvok out." "If we blow him out an airlock you wouldn't have to read it?" Chakotay suggested with a smirk. "Oh, I'm not reading it. Captain's prerogative is to delegate. Enjoy Commander." Janeway returned his smirk. "Did I ever tell you what a great boss you are?" Chakotay rolled his eyes. Janeway pushed off the table and began to move towards the bedroom, hips swaying. She flung a seductive look over her shoulder. "No, but do tell me....bring the wine!" she called, disappearing into the bedroom.

The Game

(For @jhelenoftrek and anyone else who loves JC!) The air was warm and balmy on Janeway's skin as she approached the clearing, PADD in hand. She stopped to admire the view - this shore leave had been a long time coming, and like the rest of the crew, she was glad of some down time. She settled herself onto a naturally made rock chair and closed her eyes, allowing the warm air to soothe her frayed nerves and tired soul. Some quiet time, reading a book, gazing at a view that wasn't holographically made, was a luxury she had looked forward to all day. As she started to read, she inhaled deeply at the scent of the campfire wafting upwards from the camp the crew had created below. She sighed happily, it was times like this that you appreciated the small things in life. All the technology in the world couldn't compare to the smell of wood burning merrily. She could hear voices softly billowing upwards, and she tried not to listen in. The crew had no idea she was there and they'd feel uncomfortable talking freely if they knew she was listening. The sound of Tom Paris' voice was suddenly quite clear as the wind direction changed. He was obviously with B'Elanna and Harry - no doubt up to no good as usual. "Oh, come on, B'Elanna! Don't be a stick in the mud, it's just a game!" "A stupid game thought up by pigs like you!" B'Elanna's response was equally clear. "It's a bit of fun, come on! Harry, help me out here!" Tom whined. "I'm not sure, it does seem a bit...immature," Harry responded sounding hesitant. "Look, let's play it for a bit, then you can choose," Tom reasoned. "Oh, go on then if it'll shut you up!" B'Elanna huffed. There was the sound of glasses and bottles being opened and Janeway tried to get back into her book. "So, Harry, you first. Megan Delaney. Kes. B'Elanna." "What? That's not fair, you can't use people in the circle!" B'Elanna exclaimed. "Of course you can!" Tom laughed. "Go on, Harry!" "Erm...I'd snog Megan. Erm....marry B'Elanna and avoid Kes," Harry said after a while. The group below exploded into laughter and Janeway grinned to herself. Obviously playing an old Academy game. "Go on, Harry, set one for us!" encouraged Tom. "OK, B'Elanna, this is for you. Tom. The Doctor. Tuvok." Tom's explosive laughter followed, but B'Elanna's response was even louder. "You're a pig, Starfleet!" "Go on, B'Elanna!" "Kahless....I'd have to avoid Tuvok, I'd marry the Doctor and....snog Tom," B'Elanna answered, sounding like it was killing her. More laughter followed and Tom said something that made B'Elanna react because Tom yelped as if he had been hit. Janeway chuckled softly to herself and tried to focus on her page. "OK, Helmboy, here's one for you. Kes. Ensign Rowlins, Janeway." Janeway put her book down and sat upright at her name. She wondered if now was the time to make her presence known, but Tom was too quick. "Easy! Avoid Rowlins - not my type!, marry Kes, snog Janeway!" Janeway felt herself blush as if he'd just propositioned her. The laughter was raucous below. "It's the power thing! It's hot!" Tom was protesting as the others ribbed him. Janeway felt a laugh bubble up, but quickly quelled it. Suddenly, another voice joined in. "Is this a private party or can anyone join?" "Commander!" Harry's voice took on a higher octave. "Grab a beer and settle down, we have a game you might like!" Tom said and Janeway could almost hear the smirk in the younger man's voice. "Why do I get the feeling I should be worried?" Chakotay asked. "It's a bit of fun, come on, Chakotay. It's a nice night, we're on leave, nobody needs to be put on report!" Tom encouraged. Janeway put her book down. There was no way she could read now. B'Elanna was explaining the game, and to her surprise, Chakotay seemed happy to play. Harry was up next, Janeway could imagine his blush at his choices, but was also quite quick to chose. "I'm with Tom, it's a power thing," he explained his choice of marrying Janeway. She regretted not being able to see Chakotay's face, but he certainly made no verbal comment. She acknowledged to herself that this was doing wonders for her self-esteem, even if it was a bit weird hearing it. She'd thought of Harry as almost a surrogate child, clearly he was harbouring other ideas! Tom complained bitterly when he was put in a category with Chakotay, saying, "That's unfair! Look at him! How can I compete?" Chakotay's laughter floated upwards and he said, "Don't be defeatist, Tom. It's only a game!" The laughter and game continued and Janeway felt her ego growing each time one of her young crew members chose her in a positive way. She noted however, that Chakotay hadn't really taken part, until now. "Megan Delaney, Neelix, Janeway," he said and there was no doubt of the smile on his face. "What? Since when are we using the same sex in this?" B'Elanna exclaimed. "Not that I'm against that, but it's not my thing!" "Come on, it's just a game!" Tom reiterated. "It's not real!" "Too right! There's no way I'd really marry you!" B'Elanna spat. "Your words...they wound me, I know it's because you really actually love me!" Tom sighed and it was punctuated by a resounding smack. "Well, now my fist will wound you even more!" she snapped. "You have to answer!" Chakotay said and Janeway could hear the laughter in his voice. He had a wicked sense of humour when he was relaxed. "Is this a fantasy of yours old man?" B'Elanna demanded, causing the other two men to laugh heartily. "Just answer!" Chakotay answered. "Erm....well avoid Neelix. Obviously. Marry Megan and....snog Janeway" The men guffawed. "It's that damn power thing again!" B'Elanna protested. Janeway almost guffawed herself. She was by now floating on cloud nine. A few more rounds ensued where B'Elanna got her revenge, making Tom admit he'd snog Chakotay and marry Harry. It wasn't lost on Janeway that Chakotay hadn't been asked yet. Until now. "Right, come on Commander, your turn!" Tom crowed. "Let's think. Hmm, Kes. B'Elanna. Annnd, Janeway!" Janeway froze, her heart pounding and she strained her ears to hear his response. She was certain she had a good idea how he would answer that. And though she wasn't technically there, to hear it would be one of the greatest gifts she could receive. It would warm her for many nights to come. "Well.....I'd.....well, avoid Janeway....." Chakotay's voice was clear, if a little awkward. Up on the rock above, Janeway's world came crashing down. She couldn't have been more shocked if he'd punched her in the face. She reeled back and slumped into the hard rock behind her. She didn't hear the rest of his answer, but she heard the ensuing silence followed by uncertain laughter. The blood was pounding in her ears and she sat like this for what seemed an age. Finally, she pulled herself back and wondered why she was so bothered, but deep down she knew exactly why. Because she knew how she would answer if he was in her choices. Silently, she cursed her own ego and the constant need to have it stroked. "Pride comes before a fall..." wasn't that the saying? She was certainly in free fall now. All she had thought about him, about his feelings for her had obviously been an illusion. Stupid, vain woman! She couldn't take anymore. She gathered up her book and quietly slipped away back to the transporter site. Tonight, she would lick her wounds and tomorrow all would be the same. Only with the carefully hidden knowledge he didn't feel for her the way she had thought. As she approached her quarters, she felt dismay turn to anger. Damn him and his loosely veiled declarations! The following morning, Janeway gathered all her confidence and held her head high as she entered the bridge. Chakotay was sat in his usual spot, Tom at the helm and Harry at Ops. She summoned the feelings from last night, of how those two young men had made her feel. She sashayed towards Harry and spent time talking to him, appreciating the blush that spread up and over his face. She then moved onto Tom, resting her hand on his shoulder she laughed and joked with him before moving back towards her chair. Chakotay was looking at her with a bemused smile. "You seem happy today," he said, softly leaning towards her. She casually leaned back and offered him a knowing smile. "Did you enjoy your evening?" he asked. "I did. It was....enlightening," she answered. "What did you get up to?" he pressed. "Oh, I went up onto the rocks above the camp to read. It was....good for the soul," she replied enigmatically. "Oh?" "I heard the crew playing a game. It put a few things in perspective," she said staring him dead in the eye. It took a few moments, but he suddenly seemed to realise, he sat back in his seat. "Kathryn..." She leapt up from her seat, "You have the bridge, Commander," she said, louder than she had intended, drawing a look from Tom. She moved with as much grace as she could muster and headed towards her ready room. She slumped onto the sofa and rubbed at her head. She had only been there a minute or so before the door chimed. "Come," she called, already knowing who it would be. Chakotay stepped into the room and she noted he looked rather contrite. He stepped up to her seating area and stood at Parade rest. "You heard the game we were playing." It was a statement not a question. She forced a smile, "I did." He sighed, "Kathryn, let me.." "Explain? No need Commander. I have to admit to being a bit surprised...I guess I made the wrong assumption. After New Earth." "Kathryn....it wasn't what it sounded like." "Oh really? So what did it sound like then?" "Like I was...I don't know, blowing you off. I had no idea you were there." "Would that have changed your response? Actually, don't answer that, there's no reason to even be asking or discussing this." "There is reason. I want to explain. I want you to know." He was almost pleading now. Janeway didn't answer, but gave a brief nod. "It was just a game. It meant nothing. I meant nothing by my answers, except that I couldn't be truthful in front of them. Especially not Tom." Janeway had to concede that made an awful lot of sense. Despite them being on shore leave, he was still their commanding officer. Chakotay sat down next to her, hands clasped in his lap. "It wasn't the only reason..." "Oh?" "It might be just a game but.....when there's someone involved who you really feel something for, you feel the need to protect yourself and them," Chakotay's voice faltered as he spoke. "You were protecting me?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper. "In a way, yes, though I had no idea you were listening." he sighed softly, "Kathryn, those were not my honest answers.....the truth is that the moment your name came up, the game for me was lost and won. It might be a game, but my feelings are real. There could only ever be you. I'd have to avoid you because I couldn't ever choose between the other two options. I want them both." Her head snapped up, heart pounding, hardly daring to believe he had been so honest about his feelings. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." His words were soft and honest. She dropped her gaze, "I don't know why it bothers me so much," she admitted with a sad shake of her head. "I think I know why. I hope I do anyway," he said softly, dipping his head to try and meet her eyes. She looked at her lap, a small tear spilling down her cheek, she gave a soft nod, a silent agreement. "Just know this Kathryn, any choice where your name is involved - it's a simple answer. You'd win every time." He reached for her hand, squeezed it and then quickly stood up. He strode towards the door before turning back to look at her. "Always," he said and then disappeared out onto the Bridge.