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funkymeihem-fiction · 6 years

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Mei-rry Christmas (Meihem Fanfic)

She checked the clock again, stirring at her cup of hot chocolate with one hand as she padded away from the kitchen, yeti slippers shuffling lightly against the cold tile floor. Her hotel room was fancier than she was used to; with actual separate rooms, a jacuzzi, two huge beds, and supposedly, even room service (though she had been too timid and worried about the cost to actually try it yet). Despite her protests, Winston had upgraded her booking behind her back as a sort of ‘holiday gift’ as he put it, and though he sent his regrets that they wouldn’t be together during the holidays, he sent his well wishes and what must have been a very expensive hotel package instead.

She had just gotten back to it a few hours ago, after hours spent driving to and from several local weather stations to check their readings. A developing anomaly was starting to spin somewhere out to the east, but there was nothing she could do except sit and wait for developments, go over her notes and monitor the latest eco-point updates, and work.

It was an awfully dreary way to spend the Christmas season, but there was nothing for it.

She hadn’t really grown up with much Christmas in her life, back in Xi’an. But her time in school had introduced her to the holidays and she had embraced them with enthusiasm. She loved everything about the idea of Christmas. Perhaps not the religious bits, though she was always respectful, but the rest of it? Who wouldn’t love Christmas; with the festive trees decorated with baubles and dripping with colored lights, non-stop parties with enough food and eggnog to make her head spin, piles of presents to and from friends, comfy sweaters and scarves and hats to keep her warm during walks in the snow, and snuggling together with a lover under blankets in front of a roaring fire, and-

Well, she actually did know of someone who would probably pull a face and utter over-dramatic ‘bleeeech!’ noises at most of that. Junkrat had never been shy about voicing his displeasure at anything to do with snow and cold. The Australian idea of Christmas, during the middle of the southern hemisphere summer, was quite different than her ideal visions of the holiday. His Christmas involved beaches, sun, heat, burgers on the barbie (no prawns, the heads creeped him out), and cold beers in place of warm eggnog.

That was probably what he was doing now, though hopefully Roadhog was keeping an eye on how many beers he drank. With his scrawny physique, the man was an embarrassingly lightweight drinker and Mei consistently drank him under the table when they shared a bottle or two of huángjiǔ. A little smile flittered at the edges of her lips at the thought. The last time they had spent Christmas together at Gibraltar, he’d soundly lost their little drinking contest, eaten almost half a turkey by himself as consolation, had challenged Zarya to an arm-wrestling match and lost, then challenged Roadhog to an arm-wrestling match and won (Roadhog let him), and then they’d snuck back to her room, exchanged gifts, and had meant to have an extremely passionate night. Neither of them had gotten through the undressing phase before passing out with her half on top of him, and they had instead spent the next morning nursing their hangovers together. It was funnier now than it had been at the time.

One of her eco-monitors chimed and she paused to record the numbers.

“It’s holding steady for now,” she said aloud, looking to where her drone companion was sitting in its charger. “What do you think?”

Snowball beeped a confirmation, then offered her its happy eyes and played ‘Jingle Bells’ in a series of high-pitched tones.

“Happy holidays to you too, Snowball.”

She checked the clock again as a little pang of loneliness reared its ugly head. Her work here was important, no doubt, and she had this entire fancy suite all to herself…but the ‘all to herself’ part was a hollow comfort. Her drone could only provide so much company, after all. She wondered what the others were doing right now, on this Christmas eve…

Maybe she really should try that room service after all? A big dinner and a big bottle of wine might take the edge off.

Another glance at the clock belied that it was finally their agreed-upon time, and almost immediately her computer chimed again, this time with an incoming call. She lit up and dove for the device, dragging it onto her bed with her as Junkrat’s portrait grinned at her from the monitor. She hit the button.

“Hello? Oi, Mei darl, you got good reception there?” His voice blared as the video window snapped open. There was Junkrat, looking…absolutely ridiculous. He was at the beach just like she’d guessed. He was dressed in a goofy-looking visor and tacky plastic sunglasses, sunscreen smeared along his nose, and a pair of water wings around his arms. The waves crashed steadily behind him and she could hear the far-off shrieking of gulls. His prosthetic finger filled the screen as he tapped at the camera several times. “Can ya see me?”

“I see you! It’s…it’s really good to see you, actually. How are things down in the southern hemisphere?” She rolled onto her belly, resting her chin in her hands and swaying her feet behind her, a little giddy at the sudden company, virtual or not.

“We’re celebrating proper Christmas down here, is what we’re doin’! Roadie’s off somewhere…He’d better be getting us ice cream, wherever he is. Wish you were here! I woulda gotten you some grass from the side of the road or something for you to eat while us proper carnivores get it on. I got lots of meat in the esky, even some of those big boar sausages from that ol’ German guy. Heh. Hehe, hey Mei, wanna see my giant weinerschnitzel on camera?”

It was good to hear him being gross again, though she wagged a finger at his offer. “Don’t you dare. And tell Mr. Roadhog hello, sending my love from up here. Winston gifted me a really nice room here. It has a jacuzzi and everything…I wish you were here to use it with me, though. Honestly, I wish anyone was here.”

“Aw, y’do?”

“But…it’s okay! I’ve got work to do so, I guess I’ll try to focus on getting that done, right? How are things at the beach?”

“Oh, ya know!” He looked around him, paused to sneeze loudly, then wiped his nose and grinned back at her. “Hotter than balls, sunny, sandy, and Christmasy! A little breezy, maybe, but what are ya gonna do, eh? So tell me about this jacuzzi of yours, eh? The monkey really set you up?”

“Mm-hm! It has a jacuzzi, the biggest beds I’ve ever seen, fancy TVs, and you can even order food and drinks. I wouldn’t want to bother anyone on Christmas eve though, maybe I should just have noodles?”

He shuddered suddenly, as one of the aforementioned breezes must have chilled him. “Brrr…Sorry, darl, did you say you were gonna have instant noodles? Like hell I’d allow that! You know how many Christmases I had with just scraps to eat? Nuh-uh. This time of year, if you got food, you eat all of it you can. You pick up that phone and you tell whatever damn omnic is in charge to bring you a feast!” He wrapped both arms around himself. “Ugh, damnit!”

“Jamie? You okay? Is it really that windy there?”

“Oh, yeah! It’s a real bluster out here! Heh! Don’t you worry about me, though.” His eyes darted, barely visible behind his goofy sunglasses. “And you, order yourself a tofurkey or a pile of carrot clippings, ya know, be real nice to yourself.”

“Oh, -haha-,” she said, “I guess maybe I can order in and spend a quiet evening here. But I miss you.”

He sneezed again. The screen must have been going a little wonky, because Mei could have sworn he was starting to turn a bit blue, despite the brightness of the sunny beach behind him. “Y-y-yeah! I miss you too, darl! H-hey! So! Tell me about your, uh, your weather-r-r-r stuff!”

She squinted at him strangely. Were his teeth chattering? At the beach? “Jamison, I know you love the beach but if it’s that windy, maybe you should go inside?”

“W-working on it, babe!” He wrapped both arms around himself. “H-hey! Tell me again how much you m-m-miss me?”

“What on earth? I mean, of course I do, but, Jamison, I mean it! Go inside!”

“Y-you miss me though?”

“I miss you! Now, really-” She was just about to start arguing with him again about getting off the windy beach, when a knock rattled her hotel room door. Blinking, her head darted towards the sound, then back to the shivering junker on screen. “Oh! Give me a moment, someone’s here.”

“B-better answer that, love.”

“Okay! Hold on! Hold on, I’m coming!” Pulling her robe on over her pajamas, she scrambled towards the door. Clicking it open with the security latch still tight, she looked up…and up…and up…

Roadhog’s masked face peeked from up above the doorframe, bending over to see in as he offered a gruff, “Hey.”

She shrieked aloud, quickly covered her mouth with one hand, and then slammed the door before realizing how rude it seemed. She fumbled with the locks quickly before swinging open the door again, and launched out the door with her arms outspread. She wrapped both arms around him; or well, not even a quarter of the way around him, he was so huge, but she hugged herself onto his massive belly as much as she could. The thick parka he wore rustled noisily as he brought a mitten-clad hand, peppered with snowflakes, to awkwardly pat her head a few times.

“Mr. Roadhog! Wh-! H-! Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?” She backed up to look up at him, as if to make sure it was really him. But at 7 feet high, nearly as wide, and wearing that pig mask, it couldn’t have been anyone else. “How are you here? Wait, how did you find my room?”

“…Asked Ana where you were. For the holiday. So we came here,” he rumbled, shaking snow off his boot.

“We? Wait, where’s Jamison?”

Roadhog shrugged. “Outside.”

Her mind snapped back to Junkrat dressed in little more than his swim trunks and silly hat. “No he’s not…Jamie’s at the beach…”

“He’s outside.” He jerked a mittened thumb over his shoulder.

She stared at him for a long moment. “No. He’s at the beach. And it’s well below freezing outside. He can’t be-” Her eyes widened behind her glasses before she shoved past the huge junker and tore down the hallway. Her yeti slippers were nearly flung off both feet, stumbling several times and slamming her way through the fire escapes before flinging open the door to the outside alley.

Junkrat turned and looked at her, still dressed in his goofy beachwear under the overhang of the hotel roof. A laptop was sitting open on a crate nearby, and a little hologram projector lay on the cold pavement, projecting the cheerful backdrop of the sunny tropical beach behind him. The junker had wrapped a thin coat around himself but was turning an unhealthy pallor of gray-blue as he shivered in the biting cold, his teeth chattering violently as he looked up and grinned. “H-h-h-hey d-d-d-darl! Trick-ck-cked ya!”

She stood aghast at the sight before throwing herself at him, unwrapping her bathrobe and throwing It around his shoulders. “Nǐ zhège báichī! What were you thinking?! Shǎguā! Bèndàn! You dummy! You get inside right this instant!” Throwing herself under his arm, his skin like ice, she leaned down to gather up his things before half pushing and half pulling him back towards the open backdoor of her hotel.

He was still shaking uncontrollably, but sighed in relief as they entered the heated indoors. “Hehehe! R-r-really surprised you, didn’t I?”

Without warning, she shoved him hard up against the wall of the fire escape. The startled junker even shrieked a little, though it was muffled a moment later when she grabbed the collar of the bathrobe around his shoulders and dragged him down to meet her. She kissed him, shook him with stern rage, then kissed him again. “Báichī! Báichī báichī báichī! You big-” Another kiss. “Dumb!” Another kiss. “Idiot!”

After several more kisses and rather harmless insults, he finally managed to get in a word, still shivering as he wrapped his arms around her. The rubber of his water wing toys squeaked loudly with the movement. “So…you’re surprised, then!”

She grabbed onto his face, his cheeks still icy to the touch and his nose smeared with sunscreen. She added one more kiss for enraged posterity. “That is incredibly sweet but incredibly stupid! I am so mad, I could just- GRRHHRM!” She clenched her fists and hugged him again, then shoved him away, then grabbed his hand and started dragging him down the hall after her. “Come on, let’s get you warmed up.”

She led him back to her hotel room where Roadhog had already removed his winter gear and had hauled in their bags. The shivering Junkrat was led inside as she began removing his beach toys and throwing them aside, piling blankets around him and shoving her mug of hot chocolate into his hands. Crawling into the blanket pile with him and hugging herself against him to add her body heat, she shook her head with clear frustration as she began inspecting him for any signs of frostbite. Satisfied, she adjusted the blankets around him once she was assured he was out of danger. “How long were you out there? Oh gosh, you’re still cold as ice. Here, drink up the rest of that. Mr. Roadhog, could you heat up the water for some tea?”

Snowball seemed startled to see them, drifting up out of its charging station to circle around Roadhog curiously, then gave Junkrat an angry face. Mei waved a finger at it quickly. “Snowball, be nice to him. Apparently, we have visitors.”

“See, Roadie, I told you this was a great plan! She didn’t suspect a thing! Wish I coulda seen her face when you showed up. Ya get it, Mei? I wasn’t at the beach, that was merely…a distraction! Surprise!” Junkrat flung out both arms, only to have them yanked back towards his side as she pulled the blankets back over him.

Roadhog shrugged. “Told you not to.”

“Well who’s in bloody charge of our whole operation? Me, that’s who! And it worked! She never knew we were here, until we were here!”

Mei sighed and shook her head. “That brings me to my next point, what on earth are you two doing here? I saw you both take off on that ship for Australia? Weren’t you both going to be gone f- EEEEEEEE!” She was cut off as Junkrat, desperate to warm himself, buried his pointed nose into her neck. It felt like someone was pressing ice cubes against her, smeared with sunscreen. “Jamie!”

“There, that’s better. And yeah, we were off to Oz like usual. But then you said you canceled your plans to monitor this weather doohickey up here? You think I’d let my favorite lady spend Christmas alone? We got on the next plane off the connection and headed on up here. And then I ran out of airline peanuts and got bored and made up that plan to surprise you. I had plans for Roadie to come in in the background, maybe doing a hula-”

“No,” Roadhog said.

“But he hates anything fun. See what I gotta deal with? Anyway, we’re here for the holiday because you sure as shit ain’t spending it by yourself.” He sniffled noisily, then blinked when Mei threw herself more firmly onto his lap, swim trunks or not, and hugged him ferociously around the shoulders. “Aw, there she is.”

She kissed his nose, forgot there was sunscreen on it, then coughed and nearly spat, wiping it away from her lips while he giggled wildly at her misfortune. Struggling out of his lap, she padded across the kitchen to where Roadhog was standing at the stove, before opening her arms and looking up at him imploringly. “Just one? Really quickly, I promise. This is just….other than him nearly freezing to death, this was one of the nicest things you two have ever done for me.”

The pig-masked man tilted his head down at her, then finally grumbled and opened one thick arm by his side. “Mm…Just one.”

“Xiè xie.” She hugged him quickly as he again placed that enormous bone-crushing hand gently over her head, patting her bun.

Releasing him just as quickly, the huge junker offered her a kettle of boiling water as she rummaged about her bags for her teas. Junkrat was out of danger as far as being frozen, but nothing warmed a body better than hot tea. So that was what she brought him, though he pulled a face and grumbled about it not being coffee despite drinking it down anyway. And upon finishing it, he clapped his hands together and reached across a table to the room service menu. “Arright! What’s for Christmas dinner, then? If the monkey set you up with bots bringing you nonstop food, we should sure as hell make ‘em work for that money, eh? I want the turkey. And the ham. And the turducken. Oh, I think we do still have those German sausages, we can fry those up. And this. And this. Gotta have that. And some of whatever that is…”

Mei fretted a bit as the list of food grew, but feeding two ravenous junkers and herself for Christmas eve dinner would take a lot more than a cup of instant noodles. And really, it had been sort of sad that she’d even considered the noodles option. It was the season for feasting, after all. She found herself nodding along after a bit, and even grabbed the menu out of Junkrat’s hands to look at the vegetarian options. “You know what, I think you’re right. Let’s order everything so they can get started. And then afterward, the molten chocolate cake. And the ice cream. And the eggnog.”

“Oh, we won’t be needing the nog, mates,” Junkrat grinned, before throwing off his blankets and scrambling for his bag. He rifled through it, throwing aside clothes and more summer gear, before holding up a familiar bottle and presenting it to her label-out.

She gasped aloud. “A bottle of huángjiǔ! Oh, this is a good one, too. Where did you get this?”

“Well we got so fucked up last year on this stuff, I decided to prepare for round 2,” he said, grinning widely. “Been keeping it under my bed for months, was going to take it to the beach but since we decided to come here instead…works out, don’t it? What’s say we share a few and see who’s the winner this year. You’re going down, Mei…Heh, hehehe, in more ways than one, after we-”

With practiced ease, she placed a finger to his lips to silence him. “We’ll talk about jacuzzi time after we order the food.”

***

The sheer amount of food had proved to be too much for little hotel table. There was still trays brimming with extra food spread out across the countertops, the desk, and even the bedside dresser. Roadhog lay collapsed in a catatonic stupor with a half-eaten bucket of ice cream curled in one arm, his mask pulled up above his mouth, and snoring steadily to the soft tunes of White Christmas playing on the TV. Mei draped a blanket over him as much as she could.

Junkrat was still demolishing another plate of dessert, though not an ounce of it ever seemed to truly stick his bony ribs. He only looked up when he saw that Mei was giving him ‘that look’ from across the room. He froze, his cheeks still bulging with pudding, before swallowing thickly and shoving everything to the side, following her towards the bedroom with a bit of haste in his step.

He was a little less eager a moment later, when he saw she was putting on sweaters and coats instead of taking them off. And especially when she offered a coat and a blanket to him as well. Balking slightly, he lifted a brow.

“What gives, love?”

“It’s snowing outside. I just want to go out, just on the balcony. Huángjiǔ is best served warm, anyway. Come with me?” She shook the bottle temptingly. “Just for a minute, and you’ll be wearing actual clothes this time.”

Junkrat looked conflicted, but grumbled and began pulling on the coat, throwing the blanket around himself like a poncho. He flinched dramatically when she opened the door, cold air seeping in as the snow continued to fall, glistening against the outside lights. But he still followed her, watching as she brushed snow off the balcony bench and took a seat. Plonking down next to her, he shivered a bit as she snuggled up against his side and rested her head on his shoulder. Sighing in defeat, he rested his head atop hers as they both looked out over the snow-covered rooftops of the other buildings.

“I was really surprised, you know,” she remarked.

“Eh?”

“You and Mr. Roadhog showing up literally on my doorstep. I mean, you almost froze yourself in the process, but… Thank you. It means a lot that you came to visit for Christmas. Even though you hate the cold and had plans in Australia, you gave that up for me.”

He sputtered, looping an arm around her. “Pah! It’s nothin’, darl. You think I’d let my Mei eat instant noodles alone on her favorite holiday? What kind of rat would I be?!”

She smirked up at him. “I think you’re a really nice rat, although I promise not to tell anyone.” Leaning up, she pressed her lips to his. Unlike before, when he had been frozen in the alley, they were still warm to the touch, like they should have been. Kissing him again as the snow continued falling on them both, she felt him shudder. “Oh…here? Will this help?”

She leaned behind her and placed the box device from before on the ground behind them, flicking the switch. It buzzed to life, and then projected that flat hologram image behind them; showing the sandy white beaches and the crashing waves against the clear blue sky of summer, a recording of shrieking gulls playing in the background. Junkrat laughed aloud, poking his finger at the scene almost longingly, as his prodding digit went right through the waves of light. “Almost makes me feel warm again. Almost.”

“Well, this should help with that.” Mei pulled the still warm gourd-like bottle of huángjiǔ out and strained a bit as she popped the cork. She took the first drink, pouring the warm, bitter liquid down her throat. With a little cough, she passed the bottle to his greedy hands next. “Oh! Oh my, you really did get the good kind.”

Junkrat gave her a lecherous grin as he took a much longer drink, wincing at the flavor but taking another sip for good measure as he passed it back. “Like I said, you’re in for it, this year. Round 2 of your weird Chinese liquor.”

He watched as she drank, sharing the bottle back and forth as the white flakes drifted around them, cold and pristine and nothing like the hot sandy beaches projected behind them. Wrapping his arm around her once more, he placed a wet kiss to her forehead, the warmth of the alcohol already flowing through his veins and pleasantly clouding his senses from the bitter cold. “Merry Christmas?”

“Merry Christmas,” she answered, nestling into his side once more to watch the snow fall.

They stayed like that for a while, until the huángjiǔ was almost gone and Mei could feel the haze starting to overtake her senses. Jamison’s cheeks and ears were already rosy, though from the chill or the booze, she couldn’t tell. It was time to head back inside. Still, she lingered a bit more, sighing happily and enjoying the hush of the moment.

At least until Jamison, swaying slightly, stood up. “…I’m proper rotten, love. Let’s finish the bottle, and then I dunno if I can make it to the jacuzzi. Might hit the bed and accidentally rip all your jammies off and fuck you silly in the ensuing chaos, dunno, let’s play that one by ear.”

Narrowing her eyes at his lewd comment, she grabbed his hand to help steady him as she led him back to the warmth of their hotel room, the alcohol singing in her blood providing more than a little boldness on her part. “Not if- Not if I get you first. We’re wearing too many clothes. Take…” She hiccuped. “Take off your pants, Jamie. S’Christmas… S’time for Christmas…”

His drunken grin wobbled a little wider, lopsided but pleased and barely managed a crowing “Oh-ho-ho! Merry Christmas to me!” before she descended upon him.

Outside, the hologram of the beach continued to play as the snow continued to fall.

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