I know it’s not a reliable way to judge how things work for most alloromantics, but apparently you guys are having romantic feelings a few times a month, sometimes a few times a WEEK?! I just thought… you guys felt it every few years or when you have had a few dates or something. But huh?! A week?! Is that true?

I have literally only had crushes. I don’t feel little instances of quick attraction (which other people apparently do???) I’ll see someone and go “huh, they look nice” but it won’t really be romantic, just aesthetic. And even that only happens every once in awhile. The only time I ever really feel romantic attraction is when I get a strong crush. My feelings, annoyingly, have no in-between. They also can’t be prompted by me attempting to set them up, like a date. It just doesn’t do anything, and not “it doesn’t happen every time” that I think is normal, no, it just doesn’t happen at all. I wish it worked, I really do. It would make my life so much simpler, but it never does. Sometimes I’ll see someone do something and go like, “aww, that’s cute” but it’s more just general endearment or maybe affection. It doesn’t feel romantic. I’m so confused.

So this has become my new place to vent since no one really uses this app anymore and I can’t afford a therapist lol.

Today I realized my ex has finally gotten around to blocking me on facebook, the last form of social media we were connected through. I’ve unfollowed him for a while and mute his posts, but it just feels different knowing that now there is literally nothing holding any sort of bond at all between us anymore.  I also know that I shouldn’t care and if anything, I should’ve been the one to block him after spending 3 years using me for sexual exploitation. But even then and even now, I’ll always see the good in him. He is a good person, just in a wrong situation. I guess it just feels weird knowing that it’s actually completely over and there is no going back at all. I think the thing that I miss most is having a best friend I can always depend on and talk to. Someone I can just go randomly get fast food with at 1am no questions asked. But that’s gone now and it’s been gone for some time now. It’s just an adjustment to really close this story of us for good.

Meanwhile, a few days ago at a halloween party, I finally told my crush for over a year that I had feelings for him. I knew it wasn’t mutual. I mean, we originally started as friends, then hooked up a few times and I always hoped for something more, but we were never consistent. Then on one of his many trips, he caught feelings for someone else. He never told me and our friendship dynamic changed quite a bit afterwards, but I eventually caught on that there was someone else involved. I just wished I had confirmation that first time I was going to tell him how I felt about him. I ended up deciding against it and kissed him goodnight instead. Then we went weeks without seeing each other. And they ended up not being consistent either. They’re currently on pause or over or something and I finally got the courage to just say it so it was out in the open. I knew he didn’t feel the same and I was willing to accept that. What else could I do? We agreed to remain friends and not let my feelings get involved. As a result, we haven’t spoken in about a week. This isn’t anything unusual really, we typically go spurts without talking. But I think this time is different.

I’ve learned when it comes to feelings fo another person, trusting my gut is always the right choice. When I first met my ex, I always has a feeling it was just for sex, but I let it slide because I was falling for him. I always knew the truth. With my crush, I knew he didn’t feel the same way for me. Last year when me and another friend were seeing where things go, I knew there was something off and I knew the distance we were wouldn’t help with that at all. And with my first boyfriend, I knew we were going to break up eventually. It was only a matter of when. I’m never surprised when things don’t work out. I already know the end result because my gut has super natural foresight. It’s just for once I’ve wanted to be proven wrong...I wanted one of these guys to prove me wrong and be there for me in the end...my gut is always right.

And it’s not that I’m upset or mad at my ex for wanting to not see me on any social media or hurt that my friend doesn’t have feelings for me in return, it’s just knowing that there isn’t that one friend who I can depend on, turn to, or be close to enough to really rely on. I’ve always been the one to do the most for them, never the same in return. I just always wanted that one friend that I could potentially have as a partner.

When it comes down to this and as I am typing this all up in my studio apartment alone, I’ve come to realize that maybe this is just it. I’m not looking for any words of affirmation or for any sympathy. I just think that maybe I’ve loved all I could and that there’s just nothing left. Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone because there is no one out there meant for me.

Ever since I could remember, the one thing I’ve always wanted in life was to love and be loved in return. I always wanted to have a best friend I could do everything with, talk to about anything, and share all my life experiences with. I wanted to grow old, raise a family, and enjoy life as a father and a partner. I’ve accomplished so much in my life that I wanted to but that has always been the thing I wanted the most out of everything. But as I’m getting older, as I go out and meet new people, I just don’t see that anymore with anyone. I typically don’t develop deep feelings for people. I usually meet someone, build chemistry, see how we connect, and if things go great even give the ol’ se thing a try. But 9 times out of 10 I don’t feel anything more than friendship for that person. Some of them just really genuinely nice guys who deserve someone who makes them endlessly happy...but for some reason it’s just not enough for me. I feel nothing romantically for them. And as someone who discovered their demisexuality, sexual feelings fade away as well.

I’ve used sex in the past as just a coping mechanism. It was how I dealt with extreme loneliness, sadness, heartbreak, and just to fulfill my need for intimacy. For me, sex has never been about sex. Just having another person you connect with in some way shape or form sharing an intimate moment with you is all I’ve ever craved. It wasn’t the healthiest vice in the past, or safest. Especially because I wasn’t aware of why I was even doing it or why I was so empty and depressed during and even more so after. Now that I am more of aware of my sexuality (or lack there of) and where my head and my heart lie, I’m more susceptible to just enjoying time alone. I love being alone honestly, its just when I feel lonely, things become too much for me to bare.

The honest truth is I don’t think I am capable of falling in love again. I’ve loved a a handful of times and have only been IN love three times. I just don’t have those feelings anymore and I don’t connect with people deep enough to have those feelings surface. And to be completely candid, I don’t think I’m right for anyone either. I’m not implying that I’m not good enough or a terrible potential partner, but I don’t think my chemistry is compatible with a lot of other people’s out there. Let me explain even more: People typically are drawn to like minded or familiar presences in their life. Similar interests or hobbies or dreams, etc. and personalities. Or sometimes people are drawn to the complete opposite from them because its so vastly different and they feel some sort of completion. A significant other is supposed to be an extension of yourself in some way. With my personality, it’s a mix of a bunch of things and contradictions. I’m highly social, but introverted. I love talking and entertaining, but I love just listening in silence. I love romance and Love, but I usually love stories where the heroes don’t end up together. I’m already and have already been my own extension. I’ve been my own completion. I’m my own significant other. Those few people that I have met that really made me feel something deep in my heart were the rarest of exceptions. Pretty much the DLC packages to my love life. Those feelings are so few and far between, however. I don’t think it’s impossible, but for me to really develop serious feelings for someone is really rare.

It just suck when I’m with my self and feel the loneliness. Missing the touch of another person. Being able to call and just talk for hours with someone about nothing at all or everything in the universe. Getting Wendy’s at 1am because it’s a Tuesday. But I can’t force feelings on to someone or on myself to feel anything for anyone. It has to happen naturally. It has to be real.

Anyway, I’m loved by so many people. I have such amazing and incredible friends, my life is...eh, it’s getting somewhere lol, and I really am thankful for everything I have in it so far. I might not be in love, but I still have so much of it in my life. And for all those I have loved, I just want to thank them and hope that they are all continuing to be happy and getting the best out of life. 

*I Wrote this to vent as my own therapy. As much as I appreciate the kind words that come with this, please don’t be worried about me. I’m doing fine*

Demiromantic is just normal. Nobody falls in love with a stranger and hallway crushes (the kinda crushes that r portrayed in media when someone gets a crush on a person they've only seen in the hallways, not spoken to) are more about sexual + aesthetic attraction than romantic attraction. in fact its purely physical attraction and its pretty unusual to want to kiss/hold hands with a stranger. Usually these kinda crushes are experienced by young teens who don't understand sexual attraction yet.

(same anon as before) I’m technically demiromantic because I’ve only been in love once (with my then fwb) but this is normal. I was never big into romance but now that I’m in love I enjoy it. This is a completely normal experience and it does not make you LGBTQ+

For the MILLIONETH time, demiromantic is not about falling in love .  I do realize that immediate crushes often include aesthetic and sexual attraction in the beginning, which is something I have discussed with a friend who is alloromantic, but these often lead into wanting to date or fantasizing about dating the person and romantic attraction before the person starts loving the other or becomes close friends. Wanting to date someone is a part of romantic attraction.  I know many people of varying ages who have been romantically interested in someone they weren’t close with.  They still knew each other at an acquaintances level but didn’t have any special connection. Demiromantic people may feel the aesthetics and even sexual if they are not demisexual, but they usually won’t feel an emotional crush (romantic interest) until they have something to build a connection on. 

Furthermore, the amount of times you have been in love or whether you enjoy romance does not play a large role when considering someone demiromantic.  Even people who do not consider themselves demiromantic may only have been in love once, even though they have had many love interests and people they would have loved to have dated. Demiromantic people may also think romance would be nice, in theory or for when they fall in love, so it’s rather incorrect to imply that just because you have only been in love once and dislike romance, that you are demiromantic, or that all demiromantic people are like that.