#I fucked this up a lil bit but it's fine
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Them!!
#I'm going to my first ever market as an artist in a month!#tiny Ciel a couple of posts back was a lil keychain#this one is an acrylic stand (a bit unfinished tho)#I'm kinda exited but more scared of not having enough merch and other artist not liking me and just generally fucking up :')#rationally I now it's probably going to be fine though I still worry and draw non stop to worry less so here we are#want to draw more serious stuff but brain ain't cooperating with me on that for now#sorry for rambling#kuroshitsuji#black butler#ciel phantomhive#our ciel#sebastian michaelis#sebaciel#my art
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I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive
Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support
Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted
So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too
He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.
And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him
Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart
Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best
Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level
Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)
Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions
Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?
Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist
But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again
Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are
This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down
And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up
I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean
He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety
Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true
#ppl do a similar thing with seri but for different reasons but i do think in his case its worse cause thats a whole ass adult#anyway. i dont think im saying anything new i just wanted to ramble <3#i missed mobposting what can i say#ik i saw somebody talk about this in a more eloquent way but i doubt i could find the post cause i dont think i rbed it so rip#mp100#mob psycho 100#kageyama shigeo#that ova needs to come out already im going insane#cine te a intrebat#also hope i didnt come off as too negative towards reigen or smth#but like. my favourite part of confession is him saying (i didnt know!) LIKE YEAH. U DIDNT. LMAO.#ppl treat him as a bit too reliable sometimes and dont give him a lot of room to grow like Reigen isnt even 30 yet!! he aint that old!!#he still needs to get HIS own shit tgt before giving out advice just saying. also he totally doesnt understand mob fully. how can he??#he never mentions the incident with ritsu and considering mobs inclination of never telling anyone anything unless prompted#i doubt he knows... like reigen genuinely doesnt know the extent of mobs trauma!! when he said I Didnt Know he meant that shit!!!!!!#which is like. fine. cause to me whats important is how he always wants to protect mob and support him and help him#even if he doesnt always know how. even if advice backfires. hes always there and hes always trying and hes just as human and flawed as mob#himself#ig what im getting at is just that im bothered by the Flavour of reliable adult fandom is giving him. hes a lil pathetic and#fucks up sometimes and thats fiiiiiine. i feel like i talked shit about reigen but i do think hes a good guy and IS reliable just not in the#gives great advice way. but in the Knows How To Talk And Bullshit His Way Through Everything and Has Genuinely Good Intentions (usually)#and will throw away all of his self preservation if the situation requires him to. his advice is good but can be vague idk ONE rlly managed#to balance his pathetic side with his helpful reliable side and i dont think i articulated it the best way but like.... hes simultaneously#pathetic and sad but also the most sane and reliable adult in this show. rant over see u next time byeeee
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headcanon that scorpius was a sick child and was in and out of hospital constantly, perhaps related to astoria's blood curse but not directly. his immune system isnt very strong, and everytime he gets sick they're terrified that it's the blood curse but also whatever else it could be, because it's always so sudden and so intense and they call healers over to the house who recommend this delirious feverish 4 year old is hospitalised immediately, and you'd think it'd get easier to some extent because they'd be used to it, but everytime they feel like this is it, this is the time he'll walk in to the hospital and not walk out again
#this headcanon has no purpose im just thinking of scorpius in bed like a sickly victorian child with scarlet fever or something#asking if he'll make it to sunrise lmfao#so then he hates hospitals with a passion#my friend from school was in them constantly he was even a make a wish kid and he can not fucking stand the places so#headcanon scorpius becomes a healer anyway lmao#im sick and this is how im coping by putting baby scorp in hospital lmfao#it just made draco that little bit more protective#lucius made an insensitive comment about it once and draco was ready to throw hands#this headcanon doesnt really go anywhere ive just decided scorpius was a sick child#he has sick child energy lmfao#he still knows some of his doctors/healers because he was there so frequently#just imaging lil scorp in a hospital bed and draco and astoria are sleeping in the room on like uncomfortable chairs and the fever finally#breaks and hes like uh daddy im hungry and its like 4am but draco couldnt care less cause scorp hasnt been able to eat anything for days#let alone ask for food directly and baby scorp is wondering why his parents are acting so damn weird just cause he asked for some toast#but once hes grown up whenever he gets sick its on such a lower level than what it used to be when he was a kid because his immune system#got better that he struggles to gauge when other people would usually stop trying to do daily activities and albus has to start wrestling#scorpius back to bed instead of going to class cause scorpius really youre practically dying and hes like pfff you wanna see dying? use tha#timeturner one more time and go back to see me at literally any point between 2 and 10 i am FINE#(he absolutely was not fine)#scorpius malfoy#albus potter#draco malfoy#hpcc#scorbus#this is so many tags im so sorry
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i almost passed out at school again guys
#this time tho was worse#didnt loose my hearing i lost my vision a lil bit still#i had a cough this morning probably from my germ infested sister and i thought i was fine so i was going to the bus stop and HEAVING my#lungs hurt when i was breathing it was prickly#GOT ON THE BUS AND EVERYTHING WAS DOWN HILL FROM THERE FUCKING GOD#dude#head hurt stomach rolling cramps the astute need to throw up#i was fighting that for a whole 20 minutes#i get motion sickness but not unless im reading something and I WASNY and yet#i was GRIPPING THE SEAT#put my head down and closed my eyes on the seat in front of me and PRAYED#at the end of the bus ride everything was heavy#the blood drained from my face i could feel it i had to bite my lip to make sure i still had feeling in my face bro#lung thing might be my asthma spiking i had it as a kid so idk#anyway ans then my back was killing me#got off the bus#could barely put one foot in front of the other#body aches i was HOT IT WAS LIKE 40 DEGREES AND I TOOK MY JACKET OFF. I REPEAT I TOOK MY JACKET OFFFFF#i got into the school adn these 2 people were standing there by the steps to check IDs and i looked at those steps with a PLANNN . to sit#i tried to sit down but one of em noticed how pale and not good i looked#led me to the nurses#called my mom 3x before she picked up#she couldnt get me til like an hour and some later#i was just writhing on the bed#dying#it got a little better and i switched suddenly from hot to COLD#and im on my period so thats a factor i guess but its not a regular hot flash it was BURNING#anyway she picked me up and i groggily got up#passed my friend in the hall and she widened her eyes at me and i pointed at my mom ahead of me and she said bye#one person knows im out sick but we aint got no classes together today
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#chronic blogging#shit chat#well at this point both of my parents (who i inherited my Just Tough It Out streak from) have#upon hearing how bad my post-hysterectomy pain has been#told me 'umm no you need to go see someone.' and 'please just go to urgent care i will pay for it if your insurance won't.' respectively#haunted by the ghost of my right ovary (sharp stabbing pains & debilitating muscle spasms around the incision site)#it's been 1.5 years since surgery and it's getting worse not better#at my 1mo post op i was like 'hey right side hurts a lot worse & the incision seems really wonky & off-center. thoughts?'#they said it was nothing to worry about give it time i might still be feeling pain up to 6mo post op#sooo 8mo post op contact surgeon again 'hey remember that thing i mentioned? yeah still hurts bad enough i struggle to walk sometimes'#she says eeehhh maybe you developed pelvic floor dysfunction or always had it and surgery made it worse. read this book & do some stretches#book stretches & muscle relaxers helped for a bit so i just carried on but it was not improving in fact becoming more persistent#lil over a year post op contact surgeon like 'HEY do not ignore me i am in an amount of pain that is NOT NORMAL and you WILL see me'#drive 1+ hrs for her to poke at me for ~10 minutes ignore most of what i was saying and determine it's just muscle spasms do more stretches#said physical therapy MIGHT help if i did it 2x monthly for at least 6mo. which would've involved commuting over an hour during the workweek#no THANK you i'll just keep doing my stupid stretches. and the thing is.#the stretches ARE helping. i feel my overall balance/flexibility/stamina improving#but that by contrast is making the STABBING PAINS WHERE MY RIGHT OVARY USED TO BE all the more obvious#'oh it's just muscle spasms' well why the FUCK are my muscles spasming around THIS SPOT EXCLUSIVELY for SEVENTEEN MONTHS STRAIGHT#i have essentially no pain on my left side at all. i feel overall just fine & dandy but i am convinced there is something#like. very seriously wrong on the right side causing this#and yeah if my surgeon won't listen to me maybe i will check myself into urgent care and demand an ultrasound#(which btw i asked for during my last visit & she told me it was unnecessary & to fuck off)#but now the two people who instilled me with a very deep mistrust for the medical industry#and from who i learned from via a lifetime of observation how to dissociate from chronic pain in order to function#are telling me 'yeah no this is bad you need a DOCTOR.' umm. i probably need a doctor.#was talking w/ E last night about degrees of pain & like. avg day is like 4-6 on a 0-10 scale. good days 2-3.#i don't consider calling out from work unless it's like an 8 or higher cause i'm just so used to it.#i'm sick of it. so fucking bored with being in constant pain. i want my life & energy back. i want a personality beyond Oh Just Tired back.#i wanna be able to enjoy touch again with immediately hitting overstimulation threshold due to pain.
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Am catching up on Neverafter and got to Pib and the wolf’s conversation in episode 11… Just found it very endearing. I like seeing Pib’s relationships with other beasts and his interaction with archetype vs character. Also he’s like, A Little Cat Dude Who Made Biscuits On A Lion, so like. Excellent character, a shame I don’t feel confident in how I draw Animals 😔
#my art#my doodles#dimension 20 neverafter#pib neverafter#I did not look up any wolf or cat references for this so I apologize if it’s incredibly anatomically off 😭 just strongly wanted to draw them#zac fully committing to playing a fucking catboy is so funny. the meowing?? the biting??? the BISCUITS????? incredible.#I know this is technically the horror season but I think that as a genre is a bit harder to capture when the medium is dnd and incredibly-#-improvisational and interactive. I know others have talked about it; I think for me I see this season more as a tragi-comedy than a horror.#which is totally fine! honestly I think one of the things that did it for me was the insistence of it being horror. feels like that should-#-be far more ‘show’ rather than ‘tell.’ but I also get why they openly mentioned it as far as trying to give appropriate warning to the-#-audience ya know?#have some complicated feelings about the season storywise so far but the gang is excellent as always!#also the fucking zac oyama is playing a lil cat dude so it can’t be BAD
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#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎#the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover#and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol#i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4#years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes.#and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd#but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this#i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that#i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck#also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not#give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care#i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess#but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol#i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^#the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur#here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school#i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional#so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-]#but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her#also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im#dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide#unrelated
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i don't rlly vent, mostly bc i dont want to bother my friends and mutuals w my irl problems, but man. i have to now bc today was not a good day.
so, we have an exhibition tomorrow at my college, some of my work was selected to be put up, and we had to come in earlier today and prep everything up bc why not make the students do all the fucking preparations for exhibition, right? well, my day started by me running around the whole city, printing out my stuff which was selected by our professor AND hurriedly write up an "artist statement", for some goddamn reason. that alr overwhelmed me enough but then, when i got to college (i was one goddamn hour late bc i was printing my stuff, btw), i realized that the prints WERE INVERTED, because I PUT THEM IN WRONG FUCKING COLOR MODE. that p much threw me in a panic attack :) my adhd kicked in, i was lost, confused and overwhelmed by all of this - didn't help that there were loud noises and ppl talking over each other - so much so that my friends insta noticed and were like 'oh shit, she's going thru a mental breakdown' :')
i was lucky enough that said college friends insta dropped everything and helped me put my stuff up bc i just, could not do it in the state i was in. that, and the professor...didnt seem to give a shit, but still...jesus fucking christ, this bitch was going through it. i felt bad later on, when i finally calmed down, that my friends had to p much do my work, but they told me not to worry abt it and just let them help me, which made me so grateful :') yall, if my homies weren't there, i would've ripped everything off and cry in a corner, p much
tldr; why do colleges love to destroy their students' mental state?
#♩ 》 ( ooc. ) // shut the fuck up pluto.#vent /#negative /#i guess?#in the end my friends told me to just ditch classes and go home cuz they could tell i was not there mentally lol#im doing fine now dw#but good god - today was a shit day overall#at least everything turned out alright? yippie?#anyway sorry to throw this all of a sudden - i dont want to seem needy for attention or w/e#but i just needed to let this out a lil bit
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okay. gonna go settle down and break in my new craft area that i put together this week. i will work on some writing. and maybe start a new whittling project.
#sorry about just announcing the various actions i'm intending to take recently#but sometimes that's the only way i can get myself to do tasks lmao#prattling about the self#not sure what i will whittle#i could work a little bit on logh ulysses but i think maybe the piece is too small#the detail a little too fine for my current skill level#as evidenced by how many times i cut myself while working on it previously#which. i know that is a problem that has a solution#a solution which is: maybe you should tape up your fingers first idiot#but i am not going to do that <3 if i have to take extensive measures before i whittle i will not ever whittle#so i just have a lil thumb protector that i slide on and off#my knife is freshly sharpened and polished#was having trouble with the edge recently and then actually sat down to take a look and there were some huge fucking notches in it#so i properly dealt with those and it's as good as new
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me: Okay, I'm having a shitty day, I deserve some zooming out and gaming moment before going to bed. Just try some puzzles out and that's should be fun.
the game: (tw blood)
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uhhhhhh... okay, portal. I see you.
#maybe fuck up my sleep schedule a lil bit as well ig#its fine right#who needs sleep#well i know who definitely don't deserve it#portal revolution#blood#whump my brain rn#how many dots do I have to put#needing a hug honestly
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screams in hypermobility
#i cant walk or stand up straight again :(#my SI joint has been fine for so long and all of a sudden i stepped wrong and surprise#uuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhh#i just wanna bitch a lil bit somewhere pls disregard#it hurts a fucking lot and i deserve to be a bit grumpy about it
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THEY THREW AWAY MY STYLUS. THEY THREW AWAY MY FUCKING STYLUS.
#i cant do this anymore guys#tbf it didnt even look like a stylus anymore cause like. my phone comes with it right? yeah so like the top part is like a cheap plastic so#it keeps coming off and whatnot. THAT SHIT WAS MY 4TH OR 5TH GODDAMN STYLUS#id like ask my mom if we can buy another one but at this point im just gonna get a new phone we're gonna stick with traditional drawings fo#a bit. i always draw traditionally while im at school and seeing as how i have a shitton of sharpies and highlighters i think itll be fine#the stylus was somehow fucking.. rusting? or some shit? acuse since i couldnt put it back in my phone bc the top part ripped off i had to#put it in my lil bag#im gonna see if i can keep up having good grades then ask for it during christmas#gonna be usin that shit as motivation and im sure i can pull it off this year anyway
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Morning! I'm here to harass you. 🤭
Hangover status?
And how vivid is the memory of stream? 🤣
GOOD MORNING STARS you could never harass me 😤
and LIKE I SAID DURING STREAM i never get hangovers !!!!!!! ive also been awake since like. 4AM so even if i did get one i'd prob be fine by now LOL
and trust. i remember. Everything from stream.
#snap chats#IVE ALSO BEEN DYING LOOKING AT THE FUCKIN BJ CHAT (OUT OF CONTEXT STATEMENT)#WDYM YOU LOT ARE MAING A COPMILATIONLJLERVEJLKVEJ im thoroughly obsessed witht he art too.. i have saved all of it </3#im thinking back on stream and thinking of how many more times i cuodlve roasted kayla tbh 😔#DEELGATING KAYLA TO KUME IS WILD THO i was thinkin ichi the whole time. tbh. aoki bullies ichi during streams real#also have a dumb doodle idea from it... lol... but ill do that durin drawing stream uhhhhh tuesday?#kayla and i were talking about it beforehand. or WHEN te fuck ever but yeah moving on#its how i remembered i needed to clean my suit a bit cause there was still sake stains on it FUCK#its fine now. trust. i take care of my suits like theyre my children <- dont spill alcohol on your children ?????#but yeah no im telling you alcohol is so weird to me becase i never forget anything and im Cognizant and always aware of what im doing#but yk. i do be a lil loopy 🥴 a 15 on the scale even 🥴 free rights to be stupid while only feeling KINDA bad about it#so funny how we were talking bout when id wear the masato outfit and i was like 'oh god prob not Ever if its with kayla'#and now we're doing it. part two. tonight LOL#you guys wanna see my shitty attempt at beard make up cause Highly Considering It
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Okay, I think I'm getting used to the controllers lol Replayed the whole intro up to the point you shoot the first bat-thing that breaks through the cafes windows. Put it on easy bc I don't hate myself lol
#So I had played this lil bit before and left up to Harry having to walk back to the alley bc I had strayed to explore#And then found nothing but dogs alongside the shops. Anyway I felt annoyed bc Harry is fucking slow so I think I won't stray this time#Also dogs are hard to shoot lol I should be fine on ammo since it's on easy but who knows lol#sh1p1
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#my mom: u should maybe start taking birth control to regulate ur mood#me: meh whatever. its not like that bad#cut to one week later where im vibrating out of my skin while sick. transitioning into random undirected terror. transitioning into#a loss of focus and brainfog. exacly on schedule#i am laying on the floor. im like. ive got the hysteria. bleh. i was supposed to go into thr lab but im so. dont wanna stand up#also a fucking mosquito bit me on thr back of thr knee and im mildly allergic so it's super swollen#ugh. and i fucking cant find an apartment. god. college towns. housing shortage. fucking bullshit#my apartment rn is 600 including utilities and its a nice lil studio. there the cheapest i can find is like 850 for a place with 4#roomates. ive been spoiled by living here for 4 years. ugh. i just wanna kno i have a place to go#i also wanna b able to focus. and draw. and not work here anymore lol#but whatever. itll b fine. probably less than 2 months left now#unrelated#i feel like a victorian maiden. take me to the countryside for treatment. banish me out into nature. that will heal me
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using three different dye brands at once who give a shit
#you cannot fuck up dyeing in a way that matters or whatever#i am dyeing my brothers white hoodie. which i am morally opposed to because i think its nice as it is rn#buuttttttt i enjoy dyeing stuff so whatever#and i am redyeing these pants i did like two years ago#they were grey and then i was like i bet i can make these olive green#and i kindaaaa did but theyre too greyish for my liking#so another round of green cause now i know more#so another round of green cause now i know more about how dye works#anyways im using some dollarstore tintex some genuine dylon and lastly some liquid rit#ive never used liquid dye only powder so thisll be interesting#but its fine im just adding a lil bit of it to make it a bit more olivey cause its orange and that makes a nice olive#sewing
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