hi. I’m honestly not sure how to start this, but uhhhh, I’m just in a really really horrendous place right now.

basically, last night I had yet another massive breakdown, not just because there was a big sp*der trying to get into our room, but for many other reasons as well. lately, I’ve just not been doing well. my anxiety has been through the roof because of the pandemic, because of the trauma that I went through when my sister left for Brighton (even though she’s back now, it was just a horrible heartbreaking time that sucked the energy out of all of us and I personally have not yet had the chance to regain it hehe) and a bunch of other events that have happened/are happening in my life. and therefore, because I’ve felt so drained, I have been unable to bring myself to answer messages, whether that’s on here or anywhere for that matter. all I want to do is curl up in a ball and no longer exist. Im just so tired. what’s weird is that my life has been like this for the last 2 years. I’ve had the same exact routine every day. I was doing bad before all of this shit started happening, but now I guess that everyone is sharing my experience, I’ve only gotten worse. I guess that that’s because first of all, i haven’t had legitimate time and space to myself in a very long time. we live in a small house where it’s hard to find privacy. I will lock myself in my room often, but people can still hear me and I can still hear them, and it doesn’t at all fulfill my need for alone time. also, no one cares about anything anymore. and that should be something that relieves me because I’ve spent much of my life worrying about people caring about what I look like and abt shit like that. and they don’t. but I lowkey miss when they cared because I miss dressing up, throwing on makeup, and leaving the house to go to a social gathering. I never would’ve thought that I’d miss any of that as much as I do. talking online SUCKS and so does calling the people i love and care about. nothing is more genuine than being with them face to face.

the last thing that has been kind of making me crazy is the fact that I’m on my phone so much. before having a phone, I used to be super into art and photography. I used to know myself and have an idea of what my future might look like. I feel like I’ve just gradually lost all of that, I don’t even know who I am anymore other than a prisoner to my own mental illness. I think about how happy and care free I used to be for a short while and it just breaks me because I feel like I’ll never be able to be that person again. I’ll never be able to find myself and what derives me to feel creative and attentive. all I do is sit on my phone and basically get caught up in posts that make me question my worth (NOT here, i mean on various other social media platforms.) and I’m sick of it. I want to delete it but I have so many ties to it so I really would rather not, but otherwise I feel so stuck and attached to it and I just want to cut myself off from it so bad in hopes that I become the person that I once was. it’s all just so hard and I feel so stuck and alone. I hate this so much, I’m so tired. I don’t know when or even if things are going to get better. I’m just losing hope quicker than I imagined.

ALSO. I know that this is FAR from the worst. it’s really hard to sit in a moment like this though and think about every reason I have to be grateful. the negative shit in my life right now is prioritizing my mind and therefore, everything else is quite blurry. don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for all the good things I have. but there’s just so much negativity in pain getting in the way of that.

but anyway. I’m sorry that this is such a long vent post, I really struggle with condensing my thoughts. I just want to say that I’m so grateful this community, it always fills me with good thoughts and reminders and I feel so loved and cared for here. I don’t really feel that way anywhere else so I’m super appreciative of all of this. this m*thers day is quite shit right now (there’s lots of chaos here) but I hope that everyone has a great day and thank you for listening. I love and appreciate you all more than you know. <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333