#I feel like. Sarah your life was so horrifying/tragic and it wasn’t even about you | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fallout-drabbles-n-stuff · 3 years

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Idk whats with me and angst but male (or if you want gender neutral) sole dying in romanced compainions + skinny malone arms?

(There are quite a few characters I didn't do..so anyone can request those individual and I'll see about writing them at a later date..just..wow. Ummm..major trigger warnings btw)

It was inevitable..wasn't it? Deep down, this truth was just one of those that was inescapable. The fearsome Sole Survivor was many things; they were determined, they were skilled, they were adaptable..they were amazing in every way- a paragon of a person..however there is one thing they were not.

Indestructible.

No one was. Shit, the Wasteland loved to remind people of that- be it in the forms of ghouls, hellish monsters or whatever- so perhaps this day shouldn't have came as such a surprise. Nevertheless, there was no comfort found within this knowledge.

The day was too pretty of one for something like this to happen. The sunshine was bright, not a cloud in the sky- a gentle breeze passing the pair by as they scavenged the archaic ruins for copper of all things- fucking copper.

Raiders were common in these kinds of areas, but that was no issue. Sole had no issue handling raiders, or anything else for that matter. Well, or so they thought.

Soon the peacefulness of that lovely day was interrupted by the whizzing of bullets and the shouts of obscenities as a small band of raiders made their presence known- effectively ambushing the pair. It was sort of funny in a fucked up way. The fight itself lasted barely ten minutes, just a blue of adrenaline and silent prayers, and the warmth of that beautiful sunshine beating on their back.

They hadn't noticed the blue of that infamous jump suit staining red until it was far too late, not until the wearer collapsed down to their knees as though they were about to beg for the life slowly fading either such rivet of blood being spilled.

Now it was even quicker.

Of course, they rushed to their precious Sole Survivor, horrified, yet still hopeful. They'd try so hard to lift them up, dread filling their veins whenever their loved one cried out in pain from the movement. However they still thought that somehow their dear would make it. Maybe it was foolish naivety.

Then there it was, a certain look within the Sole Survivor's eyes that held a promise. This was it. This was it and all they could do was watch as they died, the lovely sunlight and peaceful breeze serving as the only witness to this atrocity.

This wasn't right. Why did the world not reflect the way this scene was playing out? This was no time for sunshine and happiness, not when the only person they've loved so profoundly could only give them a watery smile..not as they slowly lost the strength to hold their hand to their cheek...

Not as the light finally dimmed and the world as they knew it was consumed by the darkness their former light now took away.

~~~~~~

Cait:

"Son of a bitch..sweetheart, you can't just..you can't just leave me like this- it's..it's not right! You come back, fuck! Please! Come come back.."

•Cait wasn't one to cry, always being more predispositions for rage than tears...however despite how hard she tried all she could do was wail until all that came out was dry tears and hoarse yells.

•After this, Cait would isolate herself from others save for sparking up terrjbke brawls where she knew she was outmatched.

•She just hoped she would finally lose the fight.

Curie:

"Please hang on, I-I can fix you! Please, mon amour, don't leave Curie just yet!"

•She's completely in shock, frantically trying to administer Med-x, Stimpacks, Jet- anything! All it does is worsen your condition unfortunately, the chems overwhelming you and eating at what remained of your life that much faster.

•A piece of her knew this, deep down at least.

•Let's just say, Curie wouldn't quite be the same after this. Not just in the "I lost someone I loved kind of way", no, more in the "I've seen far too much and can't quite cope" kind of way. Her eyes would forever be scarred with the image of your own becoming red from the busted blood vessels and your horrified, sweet face.

Danse:

"I'm truly sorry..damn it..I'm sorry I couldn't protect you either."

•In Danse's mind, you were yet another person he cared for that got killed because of his negligence. Only your death was much more profound- yes. With the death of his other brothers and sisters, he could still soldier through..but with you? The person he could only regard with love? He might've as well died with you.

•The only thing Danse can think of to do to hopefully bring you peace is bury you right outside your little home himself, hysterically crying and drunk out of his mind.

•It wouldn't be very long after this that Danse could no longer handle the pain of loss- no amount of liquor taking the vision of your smiling face at your once shared bedside from his mind.

•At least your friends would have the decency to bury him at your side after they got over the shock of finding him.

Hancock:

"Hey sunshine..don't worry, we..we won't be apart for too long. Heh, it's gonna be okay..it's all gonna be alright."

•The small window of time it takes for your life to leave you, Hancock comes to the horrific realization that he was soon to be doomed to a tragically long life without the one person at his side that made him feel worthy of living..

•Without giving it much more thought than that, he'd just simply stroke your cheek- pressing a soft kiss to your head whenever he was certain you had bled out completely, your blood throughly coating his chest and thighs. After the kiss, he'd take a deep breath before drawing his own pistol and..bang.

Maxson:

"P..please..don't leave..no,no,..please don't leave me.."

•If Sarah's death hurt Arthur, your's was devastating.

•Even after he knew full well that you were dead and gone, he still tries his best to keep you "alive". He'd rush you into a vertibird and call for you aid, having to face the fact you were truly gone when Captain Cade clasped him over the shoulder and gave him a solemn look.

•Arthur cried then, and then later into the night until all that came out were pathetic sobs.

•The only thing that keeps him going is his obligation to duty..but..sometimes he considers leaning just a little too close to the gage of the forecastle..maybe fly like some sort of mythical being before finally being able to hold you once more.

Skinny Malone:

"Oh come on doll face, it's..it's gonna between alright. Shhh, I'm right here..just..god..just relax."

•How did this even happen? He knew better than to indulge your need to scavenge..there wasn't even any need with his connections..why..why did this happen?

•He'd try so hard to keep it together, clenching the fabric of your vault suit until eventually his men come to him..then he can't contain the terrible cries that result.

X6-88:

"(Y/n), don't. You..you can't..oh..I..I don't know what to do without you.."

•As someone who knew death so well, he knew from the second you fell, the way that you fell, you were dead.

•Just for you, he'd try to keep that cold exterior he was once so good at portraying..but it lasts a mere second before tears start rolling down his face and spilling onto your's.

•He'd sit there, cradling your cooling body well into the setting of the gloriously shining sun, wondering just what he was going to do from here.

•Nothing. He no longer knew what to do

#tw death #tw suicide mention #fallout 4 #fallout #paladin danse #fo4 companions #fallout companions #danse #elder maxson #curie #skinny Malone #x688

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geekmedium · 3 years

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Favorite Doctor/Companion Teams

Because I want to spread some Doctor Who good cheer for Christmas. Also, I’m not doing the 9th or 13th doctor because they’ve really only had one team. Anyway...

1. The Original Team

The ones who started it all. They would win by iconography, but even with that, they’re just a lot of fun to watch. This is the doctor at his most curmudgeon; he’s rude, fairly detached, and very much not the hero we’re use to. So they gave him a granddaughter who he cares for, and two teachers who act as the parents and honestly more noble, likable people.

It’s a family dynamic, one which we don’t see often. I appreciate that they were a team who grew to care for each other, but still had radically different approaches to whatever situation they found themselves in. And it is through this team up that the Doctor could mellow out and be a more straight up heroic figure. He learned from them just as much as the reverse.

2nd, Jamie, and Zoe

Where the first team had a family dynamic to it, the second doctor had a more “bro” relationship with his team. He and Jamie are famously close, and if I’m not mistaken, Jamie is still one of the longest lasting companions. They joked around, had each others backs, and were just great pals. While Doctor Who was meant to be a teaching show, I believe these two turned the tone from edutainment into one full of Wonder.

As for Zoe, well I just like her. She was probably the first companion who could be considered of super intelligence. I like the Doctor and Jamie as two bros hanging out, but Zoe can be in there to keep everyone from getting along too well. Her intelligence could lead her to be smug, but she was truly loyal to the Tardis team. And I loved her interactions with Jamie as brother and sister.

3rd and Jo Grant

I kind of like the Doctor with a ditzy companion. Despite not being remembered very well, I think Jo was able to occasionally pull her weight and she worked well with the Doctor. Plus their last scene together, when he says goodbye? Man, you could tell how sad that made not only them, but their actors as well.

4th and Sarah Jane

There were so many choices, but ultimately I can’t help thinking of this one as the best. Not only is Sarah Jane still considered one of the best companions, her dynamic with the Doctor was one of equal love and exasperation. She would often debate with him, grow frustrated with him, but still be with him through some of the most terrifying threats any companion had to deal with. And when it was time to go, she took it with good grace; she would always remember her time with the Doctor fondly, and only asked that he do the same. Magical.

5th, Adric, Tegan, and Nyssa

Here we have the family dynamic back again. I just really like the Doctor acting like a mentor to Adric, with Tegan and Nyssa as best friends who act like the big sisters of the group. I feel that while the first Doctor’s family was a generational thing, with each passing something to the next, the fifth Doctor’s family was a group of siblings. They were kind of equals with each other, and they got into plenty of small arguments, constantly annoying each other, but with a kind of affection that made them want to be together even when they were mad.

I know it’s hard to write Doctor Who with more than 1 or 2 constant companions, but I personally like family dynamics the best. With the 2nd through 4th, there isn’t a ton to say because they got on very well. There were disagreements sure, but for the most part, they were great friends and always happy with each other. A family dynamic, like with the fifth ensured a lot more dynamic back in forth bickering, with everyone's different backgrounds playing off each other in a way unique to Doctor Who, that could bring people from different timelines and planets together.

6th and Evelyn

I’m going to cheat a bit by going off the grid into the audio dramas. No offense to Peri fans, but Evelyn is everything a companion should be. Tough, strongly opinionated, and incredibly empathetic, she provided a good foil to possibly the most selfish Doctor.

But what I loved most about her was that she was elderly. It provided a different dynamic to the Doctor, who occasionally acted the part of student to her mentor, instead of the usual status quo which is the reverse. Even more than that was her role in the story; she wasn’t there to be a young companion who realizes her potential under the Doctor. She was there to show that even if your bones don’t work like they use to. Even if you’re not most people’s ideal of good looking. Even if you’ve lived a life full of joys and sorrows, you’re never too old to start over. To gain new experiences, new joys, new pains, and new love.

I think that’s really beautiful.

7th and Ace

I struggled with if I wanted to add Bernice Summerfield to this team, because she’s great. But then I realized so much of what I like about the 7th Doctor and Ace works when they are a two person team.

The 7th Doctor is believed to be the most manipulative, actively using his own loved ones for the greater good. He can be cold and calculating in a way few other Doctors ever approached. And so that made his relationship with Ace all the more heartwarming. Here was this little delinquent of a girl, who thought she was worthless, and yet she was the only person in the universe who could bend the 7th Doctor to her whim; he loved her like a daughter, and the scenes where they interact is all the more special when you contrast them with the cold Doctor.

Having another companion kind of intrudes on this very intimate bond. I think Ace should be special to this Doctor. The one person who he would sacrifice himself before he sacrificed her. A companion who can be horrified with his more manipulative acts, but nevertheless stuck with him out of a loyalty to the first person who ever took a chance on her. Hurt Ace at your peril; the 7th Doctor will come for you.

8th and Izzy (plus Fey)

Ignore that Izzy’s a fish, she isn’t usually.

This one is pure nostalgia. The 8th Doctor’s comic strip adventures were my first real introduction to the WHO-niverse. So while I’m sure Izzy is probably last on most people’s list (if they know her at all), she’ll always be my companion. She was probably the first pop-culture savvy companion who could offer a quip that stumped even the Doctor with how contemporary it was. She was finding herself on her journey with the Doctor, and had a character arc that I think inspired RTD when it was his time to reboot the series. Plus, from what I’ve read of other 8th Doctor material, he tends to be romantically linked with most of his other companions. Some people might like that, but I think you can tell from this list, I like my Doctor as a more celibate fellow.

Fey is someone who I think of as an intermittent companion. She helps out the Doctor a great deal, and her position within the universe is very unique and imaginative, but I wouldn’t want her in for more than a story arc or two at a time before moving on to another spatial-temporal James Bond style adventure.

10th and Donna

Like the fourth Doctor before him, I had plenty of options. I was even gonna pull a fast one and pick another comic strip companion, the self-centered businesswoman Majenta Pryce. But the 10th Doctor and Donna are special.

Not only is she one of the only companions the Doctor has called his best friend, when you get down to it, she was who he needed at the time. After the last two companions had ended in a sort of tragic romance, the Doctor was walling himself off again. Donna, however, came into his life as purely a friend. Someone to pal around with and banter with. For the Doctor, this must have been a godsend. No drama, no hassle, just true companionship in every since of the word. And she still has possibly the saddest exit for any companion to date.

Goodbye Donna Noble. You definitely lived up to the name.

11th, Amy, and Rory (plus River Song)

The last family companionship on this list, and quite honestly, my favorite Tardis dynamic in the whole series. Why? Because it’s such a glorious mess that should collapse in flames but becomes something that’s just so interesting to think about.

The Doctor was Amy’s childhood crush she never quite got over. She eventually grew to love Rory, but both she and the Doctor were kind of dismissive of him. But does Rory angst and get into a love rivalry with the Doctor? Not really. He grows into himself, faces numerous dangers for them both, and by the end both Amy and the Doctor love the guy to pieces. And then you have River Song, who should turn the whole thing into a kind of Jerry Springer prize winner. I won’t go into spoilers, but what could have seemed creepy is actually a very interesting relationship with the Doctor. Though like Fey above, I think she works best as an intermittent companion who often goes off on her own adventures.

Still, they are the best family and if that’s controversial, it is the hill I will die on.

12th and Clara

The final companions are another friendship. In a lot of ways, this is pretty fun, because the 12th Doctor is an old curmudgeon like the first. But with all that he’s been through, it is interesting to see how they contrasts, especially in their companions. Because while the 1st Doctor was happy to play the cranky grandfather type, 12th had a genuine friendship with Clara.

They didn’t always get each other. They frequently disagreed, and could even be resentful. But when the chips were down, they would follow each other into hell together. The Doctor always tried to be a little more considerate for her than most others around him, and Clara tried to defend him against his critics. And while the end to their companionship could have been handled better, it was still an impactful parting between two friends.

So do you agree or disagree? Who are your favorite teams? I would love to know.

#Doctor Who #friendships

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wiisagi-maiingan · 5 years

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Since your header and profile pic is from su, I have a question. Have you seen the Steven universe movie? If so, what are your opinions on it?

I did see the movie (my mom and I watched it together when it aired) and, for a short answer, I absolutely loved it!

I’m gonna put the long answer under the cut because SU is one of my special interests and idk how long I’m gonna ramble about it lmao

First of all, I really adored Steven’s design. It was a really great change from his original, showing how much Steven has grown and changed while still being himself. It’s hard to mix “teenage boy” with “soft and kind” but the crew did an awesome job and I am always going to imagine Steven in jackets now. Fun fact, that was actually based on his VA’s growing collection of jackets.

The character designs in general were great. The Crystal Gems looked more or less the same since Change Your Mind, but it was awesome seeing their outfits more. The Diamonds, on the other, had a lot of subtle changes that made a world of difference. White looked less glowy and more approachable, with a habit of actually looking at the people around her instead of down at them. Yellow smiled a lot more, and Blue was less sharp, like she’d finally started recovering from her grief. That sort of heartache leaves a person gaunt, and it was cool to see her looking healthier.

Now Spinel. Oh man, Spinel, I loved everything about her design. The tear tracks were especially nice to me because even in her happiest or angriest moments, the tears still made it clear that she’s just sad and lonely and scared. It gave those scenes an entirely different feel from what they would’ve had otherwise. Her Gem was a really nice design, and I loved her animation. The old cartoon style alternated between whimsical and unnerving based on the scene, and it added a lot to her character. Her voice was also really great, and Sarah Stiles did an amazing job giving life and depth to her character.

On the topic of Spinel and Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz, my feelings are different from the majority of the fandom. I feel like, too often, the fandom forgets that the Rose we loved in the beginning was who she was the end and that the vast majority of her other appearances were far, far in the past. We got a look at her development in reverse, and it really warped the fandom’s perception of her. I think she’s a very tragic character who made a lot of mistakes, but who was loving and scared and trying her absolute best to learn and grow better. She definitely wasn’t a villain. @ask-whitepearl-and-steven did a much better job putting this into words than I ever could.

In regards to her relationship with Spinel, I don’t think it was as terrible as the fandom thinks it was tbh. Yeah, it was horrifying and painful for both parties, but I honestly think it was less about Pink abandoning Spinel and more about her just. Growing up. Because that happens. Sometimes friends are perfect for each other for a long time, and then they take a different path and they move apart and forget about each other. It’s terrible and it hurts like hell too lose someone like that, but that’s life. It’s something everyone experiences. My opinion on this is based on the song, with its passive language about drifting away, and the scenes during it, where Pink was clearly growing in ways that Spinel wasn’t, getting new responsibilities and becoming a different person. Pink obviously could have handled it better, but I don’t really think the situation was hers or Spinel’s fault.

The songs though! The songs!!! I fucking adored them, every single one. They were so much fun and I was looking them up on youtube the moment I finished the movie because I just had to relisten to them. Everyone loves Other Friends, but my personal favorite is actually No Matter What, just because of the love and softness in it. It was a really cool glimpse into the relationship between Amethyst and Steven, a vulnerability that we don’t get from Amethyst very often.

It was honestly really cool seeing all the Gems as they were originally. With the marathon leading up the movie, the character development they’ve all made was really obvious, but the movie smashed it right in our faces. Seeing all their development and growth laid out so clearly was incredible, and amazingly well done. I loved Independent Together (especially that phrase, I talked about it a bit here) and I 100% cried when Garnet’s final piece was the truth.

Spinel, as a character, was really important to me. I have BPD and it was both amazing and painful to watch my own issues reflected in another character. I even liked Steven’s distance to her; he was still kind and optimistic, but he never offered to shoulder her burdens, to heal yet another person who isn’t his responsibility. I think that was a really cool indication of his own development, learning when he needs to take a step back and protect himself instead of just taking every hit. Spinel deserved love and kindness, but she was also super fucking toxic and dangerous to Steven and I liked that the movie acknowledged that.

A lot of people were uncomfortable with Steg and that’s :/ to me. It really grosses me out to see people calling fusion something sexual when it has never been like that and was never intended to be. I didn’t even see Steg as sexualized like everyone claims he was; he looked and dressed like an 80s rockstar and behaved like one too, pulling Pearl on stage and giving her all his attention because she was the focus of the song. I didn’t see anything inherently sexual about his design and I don’t think he was flirting with Pearl and the fact that people do think those things is just creepy to me. In general, I think he was a really fun and interesting character and I hope we see more of him.

Steven’s characterization was great too. I loved how he’s clearly growing up, becoming more mature and sure of himself, but he’s still Steven. He’s still kind and optimistic and loving, while also being a teenage boy with a constant :| about everything. Like. “Yeah, I guess I’ll help but damn it, I’m gonna sulk about it and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” He’s a teenage boy. He wants to hang out with his family and friends and shit. He doesn’t want to worry about saving the world for like the 20th time. Just let him live.

The ending was really sweet to me too. It seems like a lot of people thought it was cheesy or hastily done, but I thought it was really fitting. Steven and the Diamonds could never help each other recover from their grief regarding Pink/Rose because the Diamonds still saw Steven as an extension of Pink, and that made his own feelings about his mom even more complicated. And a relationship between him and Spinel wouldn’t work either because of their difficult past and the way Spinel still saw him as an extension of Pink too, even if she didn’t think she did. Both situations would end up toxic and unhealthy, the parties expecting things that the others couldn’t or wouldn’t give.

But Spinel going with the Diamonds was great. The other Diamonds were similar enough to Pink that Spinel could slowly learn to love again without being thrown in the deep end, and Spinel was similar enough to Pink that the Diamonds could do the same. They both knew the same Gem as she was, not the version of her that the CGs and Steven knew, and they could reminisce about her without seeing as something she wasn’t. They could remember the good and the bad together, and learn how to move on and recover at their own pace with people who care about them.

More fandom shit, but I also really dislike the theory that they’re going to try to groom her to be the next Pink Diamond. Most of the theories are joking, but I feel like they really miss the point of that entire plot and their relationship and it upsets me.

Overall, the movie was incredible and I hate the fandom so fucking much. I’m really looking forward to Steven Universe Future, which I have personally been calling “Steven Universe Goes to Therapy”.

#steven universe #not native #shut up hawke #Anonymous

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sextonsharpwinhalstead · 5 years

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Chicago Med Review 5x01 “Never Going Back To Normal”

So, I guess I’m back on my bullsh*t. I can’t help it. These last two episodes are worthy of a review.

So, after a summer hiatus we got the answers to our burning questions: did Ava have something to do with Cornelius’s death?

What is the fate of Natalie and Will after that car crash on the roof?

Does Maggie have cancer?

and

Is April pregnant?

Let’s start from the bottom up.

April and Ethan slowly made their way back to each other during season 4. After she declared that she was with the shits, they smashed on the couch, and 24 hrs later she was “late.” I think we all knew it would be negative, but I do think it’s odd that they wrote her saying “I’m never late.” I’m not sure if this was just chatter or a false negative but since the subject was broached it had Ethan wondering “what if?” I think it’s fair to say that not only are these two back together but are also getting serious. They walked away with THE most uplifting story for themselves and the child they were treating. Anyway up to this point I’d always pegged April as the type who’d want to have kids and marriage considering the importance of family and how soft she is with everyone but I’m not so sure anymore. Her hesitation and remark about wanting kids much farther in the future reminded me that it took April weeks if not months to say yes to Tate’s proposal, and her shock at being pregnant lasted a lot longer than comfortable. I think April holds these things dear, but not necessarily for herself. We’ll see.

Onto Maggie’s story. Another easy guess. I think we all knew she had cancer, the question was what kind and how bad? Sadly, so many of us have been touched by cancer; it’s affected our friends, loved ones, co-workers, and there are probably some survivors in this fandom. So when I heard metastatic immediately I was like; damn. I, for one, am all for keeping your business your own, but Maggie’s decision is borderline delusional. I know we all know it’s about to get a LOT worse.

The Manstead car wreck. Okay, I have been in several car wrecks; shitty luck, bad tires, dangerous weather, I’ve had it happen; trees, fences, the HIGHWAY, I’ve been in it. So this wreck was a bit...much. My sister FLEW through the windshield of a vehicle and not only lived but had no issues with memory, and her cut wasn’t gushing like a Squeeze-It. I hated this story from the moment it began. It had massive plot holes and has been melodramatic AF. But I think what I hate the most is the inability to let the story be about Will. It continues to center Natalie when she’s just been adjacent. This show has a super weird way of writing life-changing events which happen to male characters but then somehow manages to leave the women holding the bag. Like damn, how’d we get here?

Ethan’s family drama left April caring for a newborn and his sister.

Daniel’s shooting left Sarah with major PTSD.

Will’s traumatic involvement with the mafia left Natalie in a mini-coma.

I’m not saying the men never have consequences but the lasting effects are transferred to the women closest to them.

Anyway, Will carries Natalie like Captain-Save-a-hoe to the ED and even tries to work on her before the night-shift Dr. Marcel hello daddy has to push him aside. I almost died when he said “You’re her boyfriend or whatever” it’s like Dominic Rains knows our pain. Anyway, med student Elsa tries to help Will but is barked at several times. I was happy to see her again but I’m not going to pretend I didn’t see the 180 in her personality. Elsa can seem mouesy but let’s be real; that is a boss bitch, who all last season was on top of her shit and not giving a good gotdamn about anybody’s emotional state; only the job at hand. She knew what she wanted and was balancing dual majors and nailing it too. But something shifted and now she’s giving a damn about Will and being one of the only three people in this entire show that recognizes his trauma. I was quietly whispering...please god no, too. Please Med don’t ruin this character and make her lose her gotdamn mind over some dick.

Sleeping Beauty finally awakes but has some short-term memory problems. Something her skeevy boyfriend Phillip is ready to exploit when he shimmies a ring on her finger. Okay, I’m going to need you give me your nuanced ears and eyes when I begin this next part because I don’t want it to sound too victim-blamey...but...Natalie brought this situation on herself. I don’t think it was wrong of her to try and be supportive of Phillip but how the hell didn’t the warning flags go flying when he began being intimate with her so soon after his wife died? The alarms should be blaring now with a ring on her finger considering she hasn’t forgotten the long timeline...it’s just. I don’t care. It makes her look trife AF. But mostly it makes her look naive.

I do think the knowledge Dr. Marcel has about the ring only being on her finger AFTER her initial examination is a little bomb they’ll wait to drop later in the season. I just hope it’s Natalie who finds out and not Will. Natalie needs to save herself.

Finally, let’s talk about that story!

The direction this story took was one I played around with in a fic. The idea of Ava being an obsessive, manipulative, dangerous psycho has always seem fitting to me. I know a lot of people are upset and horrified but I think it made perfect sense. My only critique was the empty feeling of not getting a background check on her. Did Latham call her next of kin? Who were they? Who was she? The mystery of Ava will always be the most bitter pill for me swallow.

Med was manipulating the viewers and the subjects of the story so we were all left with a sense of confusion. None of it made sense if you only view Ava through one lens, if you could see her through both it was executed in a way that Med has never had the audacity to try and do, and I got to give it to them cause damn it was good. They really had us questioning everything up to her final moments. Was Connor losing it like his mother or was Ava as scheming as he thought? I think that her death was a good reason to leave Med.

He left Chicago as quickly as he could as kid to get away from his mother’s tragic suicide only to return and have another tragic suicide be the reason for his departure. And damn, it was abrupt. Like maybe one more episode where Connor finishes his last surgery cause anyone scheduled with him got left hanging! He said goodbye to the two people who gave him a job and that was the last we ever saw of him. I’m not nearly as broken up about this as a big chunk of the fandom seems to be. I really feel like Connor’s story was told. Being the most developed one; can be suicide for a character, especially in a show that has Entmoot syndrome when it comes to personal information about its characters.

Personally I’m hoping the show becomes like the rest of One Chicago, who had other polarizing characters leave. It allowed the quality to spread and viewers finally got more from the others.

Either way, after this episode, nothing is going to be “normal” again.

#chicago med #5x01 #never going back to normal #chicago med review #tw: suidice

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dememarquette · 5 years

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Midnight Caller

Adria's day went as well as they usually do.

Training drills. Stake outs. Patrols. It was all very normal if you didn't know better.

But she did. She felt it; Heaven was perpetually on edge. The polarizing shadow war had made itself into the atmosphere and into routine- the specifics of which she only knew from 'mistakes' as a lowly pawn, and the details she gleaned inbetween. At this point, the increase of raids was normalized. It was ordinary to systematically sneak out demon operations, no matter how trivial the charges. Specialized drills were more frequent, too.

All of the added procedures were tying her guts into knots. The situation was becoming more and more wrong each passing day, but there was no trade-off. There hasn't been an update in months. The park was in limbo. They were asking every other time she dropped by until eventually realizing she had nothing to give. And may never. Cheerful as they were, nobody liked the quiet. Suspense bothered her, for their sake, for hers. Playing the long game in subterfuge meant she lived life in paranoia, yet not one iota of it was concerned with Hell. She was as scared of a demon as her shadow, but Heaven. Heaven was something to be feared.

She didn't know what to consider her role in this. Double-crossing? Triple? She tried not to think on it. It'd only get her worked up, but when that inevitably failed, she realized no treasonous term felt right. She didn't hate Heaven. She wasn't actively working against it. It's just her allegiance didn't fall into carefully sectioned off labels and sectors- it fell into place by virtue. And reason.

But being screamed at all day that her reasoning was wrong and flawed bred self-doubt. Her mind never seemed to shut off, even after the mission reports were read, and the raids concluded.

She lounged on her couch. Muscles in her back and shoulders were rigid after a stressful day, but there was one thing that always seemed to help: Colin. On top of everything she supposed she should feel guilty about that too but she absolutely did not. It was a little piece of wrong that felt right.

COLIN: How was work, sweetie?

He wrote. He just got off shift at a private rodeo show where it was not the bulls being wrangled. Her phone, thankfully, does not receive pictures but needless to say, he was happy to unwind and see her too.

ADRIA: THE NORMal. sarah is really a piece of work.

COLIN: Awh, what happened?

What happened!

What happened was her squad-mate’s penchant for public humiliation. Adria had a thick skin, but if you're going correct her on fighting form, you'd better be able to back it the fuck up! She punched at the keys with her thumbs, detailing the tiff in atrocious texting, 150 characters at a time. She sent a chain of three messages, the order of which they sent in was left in the hands of God, when her screen blacked out.

A cheerful ringtone replaced it. That delightful sequence of Nokia chirps had been featured in three separate horror movies in the past two decades, and that auditory connotation was no less portentous now. Demetrius’ name flashed in eight-bit.

She answered on first ring. "Demetri?"

"Adria, thank G-man." He heaved. "I need you."

Adria cupped her phone with both hands. "What's wrong?"

“What’s wrong?” He wheezed. "What isn't?"

His first fake emergency was a text. His second very real! emergency was also a text. This was a call, and already his desperation pierced through her shitty reception in four syllables. Demetri’s voice was an octave higher than she'd ever heard it and hysterical. She'd seen this man handle pressure (and if you ignored his thing with snakes), nothing short of imminent doom bothered him.

The contrast was horrifying.

She launched off her couch, storming her quarters. The bedroom door rebounded off the wall as she breached her closet. The more utilitarian parts of her uniform were ripped from its display. She yanked a set of greaves over her knees. Her hair was a tousled mess, an ondoyant spread across her shoulders, but she had a band around her wrist to crudely tie it back should this turn into a brawl. At the time he was calling? The night couldn't go any other way. She wasn't on shift but they held raids at all hours.

She saw it: demons dusted into ash. One coming to the other's call only for a massacre. The Powers were organized and lethal, and her vague and sporadic feedback was never going to cut it, either to sate Heaven, or save them. She was stupid for trying. Her superiors hired on someone else to intervene, to gather intel, and now she was on the phone with Demetrius-

"Demetri?!" She panicked, shoving her forearms through her bracers. "Talk to me. I can't help if I don't know what's going on. Is Niko okay? Archer?"

The line went quiet and her wings folded out in a forceful draft. Adria was a full second away from making the plunge from Heaven to Hell, when over the line there was a single sniff.

“Look on th-...the tv- MTV." He said. "Righ'now.”

Adria's head snapped up. There was no 48-inch mounted on the wall. She didn’t have a smartphone, how would she have a cable?

But context worked with what she gathered from her time on the computer and the demon himself. MTV was no news outlet nor has it had any respectable programming since the 1990's. Their ragtag group was a spectacle but nothing she imagined making a time slot between Teen Mom and MTV Cribs.

(That's a compliment.)

"Excuse me?"

"Channel- channel forty-eight. PleaaaAAse."

She stiffly straightened up. She was half armored- the bottom half ready for the war that would be her fall from On High, while the other awaiting on conformation for where this was going. "You're...going to have to describe it to me. Where are you?"

"Home."

"And you're not dying?"

"I don't knooooow." He whined. "Probaply."

She audibly heard the melodramatic flop.

On the other end, he slapped against the counter top. Sulking on his kitchen island, his rings tangled in his bangs. He stared in disdain at the source of his despair. It was a frame paused on his television set. Depicted was an unflattering still of a suburban mom. Her jumpsuit was as orange as her fake tan, and two streams of black poured down her face like she tried her wings at a newer, trendier 270 degree angle.

Adria had no way of knowing this, else she had reason to hang up then and there. "What does that mean?! Is ANYONE in danger? Is ANYONE dying?"

"Are you even looking?!" He said, frustrated.

"No. No I am not. What is it?"

"They're taking Samantha in!"

"What."

He flailed his hand at the set. In his mind, he was the image of every tragic hero in a cathartic Renaissance painting. "She's getting arrested!" He cried. "Fuckin' Ricky set her up, th-the child suppor' payments. 'n after she got Kaytee and G-ma Hoovie in the pyramid scheme no one will talk to her-"

"And why do I care about this woman’s shitty decisions?"

"She's not gonna make it into season six!!" He shrieked.

"Oh Jesus."

She remembered that. She remembered a lot more than she thought she would. They were characters from a colorful cast from their last hangout.

It wasn't her idea, obviously. She owed him for their first training session. Retribution for her violation of his trust, he called it. Somehow it was separate from the favor she already promised him but that's what he dismissed as semantics, preceding a change of subject. Nevermind how he tricked her into a strip club, she arrived dutifully at his apartment in the forth circle of Hell. That was two months ago.

That day he opened the door more casual than she’d see him before, which wasn't saying much. He was still swanky- buttoned down in something she'd seen in an all-too-dramatic cologne commercial, hue set off with a matching Rolex that told time with three faces. She, on the other hand, arrived in gym shorts. He said 'no armor' on the summons so when he opened up, he tensed like a wild animal. His hands even raised like she taught him ("Protect your head!"), and it was a good fifteen minutes of her standing on his blistering doorstep, convincing him she wasn't there to pulverize his face before she was allowed inside. He relaxed.

And eventually, so did she.

She crashed on his couch. Arms wound around herself so tight, she was ready to make fun of every vapid star that strutted onto the screen. Reality shows were stupid. A waste of time, clearly staged, and air-headed entertainment. All she was here to do was get through four hours of this garbage so he'll trust her for self defenses classes again.

However, Demetri took criticism like a champ. He pointed out that she had literally no reference point at all for television programming (true), and hit play.

At first she was entirely correct in her assumptions. These Real Housewives were overacting, over-dramatic, and overly ridiculous- but around the twenty minute mark, the first twist, it was apparent that was the charm. They were ridiculous. They were all impossibly absurd, and no matter how much she had the gist of their one-dimensional personalities, they'd surprise her with a curveball she never saw coming, dramatic irony Shakespearen in any other context. When she stopped commenting on how these stupid things would never happen in real life, it clicked.

"So...why is this lady breaking into her cousin's flat?" She picked at finger foods he set up on the table, small pastries he credited to Donnabelle. She needed something to do with her hands while she pretended to not be interested in the television she was very interested in.

"Hm?"

"I mean,” She shrugged, too jerky to be casual. “If they just made up. Why would she break in?" He quirked a brow.

Truth was he’d been a nervous wreck the whole time too- he just wasn't as transparent. Never had he cared more about anyone else’s usually-contrarian opinion more. Covertly he watched her more than the re-run. It didn’t make sense, but when her question rang sincere he grinned. The arc maxed between his ears before it pulled back into something more restrained. "Ah, well. That's why she set up the brunch. Her cousin has incriminating photos on a flash drive."

"But we know this because it's been broadcasted to all of America."

"No actually," He sat up, invested. She noticed afterward that she leaned to follow. "We know they exist but we don't know what's on them. My guess is it's something to do with last year's bachelorette party since that got the fire department called, but the forum thinks it's..."

And that's how she started caring too much about some random group of nutjobs in the city.

She still believed it was staged bullshit, but it was fun staged bullshit. She watched nearly three hours of dramatic close-ups, cryfests, and varying degrees of misdemeanors until the night was called. Time flew before she knew it, and their goodbye was a lot less awkward than their hello.

She wasn't expecting to revisit any of that in the near future.

She stared at the keys of her phone as she snapped back to reality. Demetrius was slurring through a monologue calling for Samantha's salvation (eloquently coined "FreeSam2k-2k-shit-2k19?") when it registered: Samantha Drama was a lot more preferable than the alternative.

"-'ish not like the scheme was her fault, y'know. She's a business woman at heart."

"...She sure is."

"'scatcly!” He said, overly relieved. “You get it!"

She sighed, head in her hand. The restless energy she amassed depleted into pure appreciation of the overreaction. Her overreaction- and if he was oblivious to the whiplash she suffered, it was missed entirely. It was gone. Replacing it was the sound of her barely holding back laughter. She rubbed her eyes. God, what was he doing? "Demetri, are you drunk? Did Archer give you the pilfered party booze?"

"Aria-Adria, please. Less focus fer two secons."

"Okay, okay.” She pulled the tie from her hair. “So. Samantha."

“Samantha, yes.”

She indulged, smiling. "Is this the one who uh....cheats at dog pageants?"

“NO that's Kristie!" He corrected, distressed.

“Oh- sorry. The lady that held the intervention at the baby shower?”

“Yes,” he sobbed.

“I’m...sorry??”

“She was just tryna- tryna show her kid that she- aw fuck.” Glass clinked. "Oh no."

"What?"

"I spilled it. Fuck."

The phone rustled loudly. She listened, with her head tilted into her phone. Demetrius was struggling, but she was too. She bit the corner of her lip so her laughing wouldn't carry over the line.

"Back." He rasped, returning like he lost the war.

"You okay over there?"

"No. I need- I need to bail her out." He said. He’d run out of options, his voice teetered on a whimper. "I jus' gotta."

She walked back to her living room. Hasty strides before were now a languid stroll, as the armored plates fell off her knees in a clatter. She threw her bracers into her pillow as she hit the sofa beside them. The threat was neutralized. "No,” she said. “You should not bail her out."

"I have to. She's all alone in there- y'know I'm good'for it, Adria. Issat short for Adriana by the way."

"No it is not, but I'm VERY sure she's fine."

"What do I do?!"

"You're still home right?" She barely got the question out with a straight face. "Like you're not out, and definitely not in the Alpine area?"

"Wha' you tryna say? 'at I'm not r’sponsiple?"

"That you're drunk off your ass."

"Does that make any of it- any of it less real?" The volume softened as he scolded his phone. An old selfie that he used as her contact photo served as her avatar and the source of his betrayal. "I'm SO hurt. My feelings are real, Adria."

"Oh yeah?" Her head canted. She was staring at a blank wall, but imagery from the other end of the line was so clear. She could see his face too. That lopsided grin. Bent brows when he feigned offense, even if his eyes were still smiling while he clutched his heart for the effect. So distinctively him. "I thought you were too cool for feelings."

"Welp. S'where you're wrong~"

"Am I? You're quick to make fun of other people's."

"Is 'is about yoouurs? Hmmmmm?"

She debated her answer as clinking and swearing reared up a second time. She heard him bat the glass around, coordination beyond her expert salvage, before he returned, forgoing the cup altogether. Whatever. He still had the bottle. "Maybe."

"Maybe what?"

"It seems at times you care more about Samantha’s. Like right now."

"Whaaaaa-!! Yer only sayin’ that cuz you like teasin’ her. Jus’like I like teasin’ you."

Her fingers combed through the waves rolling over her shoulders, as she smiled. “I got that much."

"I'd bail you outta jail too, y'know."

"You are not bailing Samantha out of jail."

"'n if I don't," He continued, galvanized into another tangent. "If I DON'T tease you! Then what we doin', hmm?"

She quirked a brow. She was going to love this. "What does that mean?"

"Whatdoyamean what’do I mean. I dunno how else t'talk to you!!" He said, phone brushing with static when he shrugged. "Yer somethin else. It's scary."

Or not.

The word punctured her bubble of amusement. Scary? She knew she could be intimidating. And sure, she beat him up more than once. And sure he was a baby about it, but before Adria’s heart had the chance to sink-

"I trust you so much," He continued, shrilly and mystified. "Isn't that crazy?"

Her heart caught. "W-what?"

"Riiiight? But it happens.” He shrugged. “It happens when, when people got this intense light. A light y'just wanna be a part of. D'you know how rare that is?"

"I don't-"

"You know!! Of course you know." He asserted, finding it inconceivable that she didn't understand. "Some people jus' got it. It draws you in. People like me don' got it- we don' got it- so its blindin' when we do see it. You got it, girl. You got it baaad," He sang. "I mean FUCK- yer "spyin'" on us and we take you everywhere we go! An’ an’ all I wanna do right now is invite you over. Have you here. Again."

Adria blanked.

Staring wide-eyed, she had no idea what to say.

“O-oh.”

Her wings slid down the sofa in a soft shh. Unsure she heard him right, praise was just something she couldn't wrap her head around. Even as the conversation devolved into an ad-libbed ‘Come on Over, Baby' Christina Aguilera parody (’Spy on Over, Baby’ - execution as good as one would imagine), no one thought that way about her. No one talked about her like that. No one ever had- no matter how much, how long, and how hard she tried to do the right thing. She was a series of failures, stemming all the way back from her first charge.

But Demetrius was more than happy to tell/sing to her otherwise. Her feedback wasn't necessary. In fact, she couldn't get a word in. He rambled hard and assiduous about that signature compassion he couldn't compute. About their classes against heavenly forces. About the way the right thing always just seemed to spring into her mind, without cause or consideration. His opinions had receipts- which was something Heaven never bothered to audit.

Thoughts of doubt were smothered before they had the chance to manifest. They tried. Unable to defend against his points, they wanted to dismiss the call as inebriated prattle, but she wouldn't. She refused- it felt nice. They were compliments with no ulterior motive. No seeds of manipulation she could detect, and he didn’t want anything from her this time.

She could have comfort this once, just this once, before jumping back into scrutiny tomorrow.

That in mind, when a lull settled in the conversation, she took it. She pulled her knees into her chest, and closed her eyes.

“Thank you...Thanks, Deme. That means a lot.”

But where she expected a stiff refute of anything tottering the edge of the sentimental (she tensed for it), or another bout of prattle, she heard a thump over the line.

A cold pause followed. She twitched from her pleasant smile. It stretched. Seconds feeling like minutes, the quiet was just short enough to spurn concern, but not enough to ask, when he broke it. He sucked in air through his teeth. Devoid of his former drunken rapture, the tacit draw unnerved her. “No problem.” He said.

Her world dimmed. Her confidence had barely got its bearings before being dashed. The beat of awkwardness was back. That void that pulled the light from their talks, how she could be enjoying herself before the tone flips on a dime and she regrets reaching out at all-

“...Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah...” He dragged his face. “No.” He sighed. “No I’m fuckin’ not.”

Just like the party. That’s what it took. She hit that mysterious trigger again. The precise sentiment she needed to wipe the audible grin off his face. It was her. It had to be her. She misread the entire situation. His admiration had been clear as day, but now it muddled.

“I’m sorry.” She hovered above a whisper, apologizing without knowing why.

“Don’t be. It was all me.”

“What was you…?”

“You. Me. This.”

It solidified the weight in her chest. All those positive thoughts had just blossomed. To tamp them down so soon as a regret... Demetri wasn’t a guy about that scene. She knew that, and yet-

That’s where her mistake was.

She’d been telling herself the same thing since the fair- she was delusional. She didn’t need it echoed.

“It’s fine.” She cut him off. “You should rest- night Demetri. I’ll, I’ll check in when I can-”

“I let you go.”

She stiffened.

“I saw that light and jus’....poof. Gave it away- like a joke.” He said, abruptly sober. “Who’m I kidding? It was a joke. On myself!! Were cowboy strippers worth it? I mean...t’see THAT ‘n let it slip. Who am I?” He brazenly interrogated his open apartment. His theater set-up was a whole five feet away, and it was a crime scene as far as he was concerned. He truly had fun with her that night. At the fair. Shopping. But it was Colin she was going home to, and that was entirely by his own hand. “Thas’not me.” He said. “Thas’never been me- I’m in hell fer wanting everything. Why would I learn now?”

Archer pushed him to make a move. He dismissed him. He was so damn sure he’d figure out his own way. Demetrius was convinced that honesty and upfront communication were tacky, and not because he was entirely inept at sincerity. But what he was realizing tonight was that window shut. He’d earned one of her darkest secrets only to be iced-out of what was troubling her at the party. She stared at her phone the whole drive home. His moment passed. Now he was paying for it, but without the inhibition to suffer in silence.

“I made a mistake.” He said, with finality. “I want you. That’s what’s wrong.” “You...want me.” "Mmph. Fuckin’...cowboy strippers aren’t even that funny.” His muttering trailed off, disintegrating into incoherent rambling and something that sounded suspiciously like ‘Colin is a douche.’

Her mouth closed. She had nothing to say.

Whiplash was back, but this time there was no recovering. She had no words. No response. Nothing to fill the quiet, but he did not have much intention of doing so either. The clinking, clanking, and sentence fragments stopped. They both settled into quiet- an awkward, but powerful one.

It dragged for minute. Then five. She was reluctant leave it, to be the one to break it, but her head was buzzing and so was her phone. Missed texts were adding up. There must’ve been seven now. Someone else was impatient for her attention. And while Colin could wait...

"Demetri?"

"Hmmmm?" He hummed, sleepily but somber.

"Did you...did you mean-? Were you implying-" She cringed. She regretted the question before she asked. Maybe it was best not to pry. Just enjoy it. It’s how things had been going so far.

Besides.

What would happen if he did answer now?

She hugged her knees. Her heart had taken enough collateral damage. It was time to give it a break. Tonight changed things. She’d have to see what that meant. "Nevermind. Uh, thanks. I mean.Thanks again. I guess. Don’t go bailing anyone out of prison."

"Aye-aye," he mumbled.

On the other end, he slumped. Wine smeared around his table, he half-heartedly sopped it up with a rag before giving up. The marble was feeling awfully comfortable. His head propped against his shoulder, and it slid into lean.

She kept the phone affixed to her ear, eyes closing. The night opened with her walking the demon through the five stages of grief for a reality star. In a bizarre way, in a way neither could have expected, he provided a comparative comfort. These thoughts she’d been having- these errant ideas, these cues- were justified.

"Deme?" She finally asked.

But there was no response. He was out like a light, drooling on the marble.

She listened to a few breaths before bidding a quiet 'good night' and hanging up. Exhausted now, but in the best way, she posed to snap her phone shut.

Just before she did, the screen returned to Colin.

Her cursor flashed where she left it. It tailed the end of a long, angry message her heart was no longer in. Unwilling to tarnish her revelation, or feed the new, fresher guilt winding in her stomach, she hit the back key. One letter blinked out of existence at a time, then words, then entire lines.

ADRIA: actually dont worry about it. goodnight. COLIN: ok! Good night :D

#towns verse #towns #after the events at colin's birthday party #story #adria #unrelated but this is the 1st piece of my writing that word counter deems 11th-12th grade level so guess who feels like a winner 2NITE #colin

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valentinewheeler · 5 years

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2018 Book Recap!

If you follow me on twitter you saw this already, but here’s my favorites I read this year.

They weren’t all 2018 releases, but they’re what hit my kindle/bookshelf and stood out! In reverse order, basically, of when I read them. Check out the list below - it’s a little eclectic.

The Good Neighbor: The Life and Works of Fred Rogers (Maxwell King) - My toddler is ALL ABOUT Mr. Rogers. Turns out he was just as wonderful in life as he was on TV. If you’ve got a small person in your life who loves him (or you were one), I recommend this deep dive into his life and legacy.

Blackfish City (Sam J. Miller) - This sat on my kindle for months before I opened it, but once I passed the first few chapters and got into the world, I blew through 90% in a day. Beautifully woven storytelling, deep worldbuilding. Infrastructure, plague, and culture clash: three things that win me instantly. PLUS a nonbinary POV character!!

A Conspiracy of Truths (Alex Rowland) - I hate unreliable narrators, and yet, here I am, in love with this book. I finished the audiobook (which is BEAUTIFULLY narrated!!) and actually yelled out loud when there wasn’t any more. WHAT A WORLD. Economics, legal drama, and grumpy characters: three more things I can’t resist in a novel.

A Duke by Default/A Princess in Theory (Alyssa Cole) - I hadn’t read much romance until this year, and I don’t know why because turns out I love it. Or at least, I love Alyssa Cole’s work. Both of these had great heroines and super fun supporting casts. I loved both of them equally. I want the next one immediately.

Witchmark (C.L. Polk) - Everyone said I’d love this. EVERYONE WAS RIGHT. Magic! Bikes! Social class based on a false meritocracy! MURDER! MAGIC-SCIENCE BLEND! REALLY FREAKY PAYOFF! Read it. You’re missing out if you don’t.

Spinning Silver (Naomi Novik) - Now, I’ve loved Naomi Novik’s work for about fifteen years. I knew I’d like this one. What I didn’t expect was to have to lie down for a few hours to contemplate it after reading it in one go. I love a main character who ISN’T traditionally sympathetic but you love anyway. Beautifully woven folklore and feeling.

Legend (and sequels) (Marie Lu) - I love YA dystopias with all my heart. This was such a great one. I loved the characters, I loved the setting, I loved seeing the broader world than is usually seen in a post-apocalyptic setting (how DO other governments handle the end of the old way??) Just a delightful read.

Fuzzy Nation (John Scalzi) - I tried to minimize my white men on my reading list this year, but Scalzi is always an exception. I LOVE the original work, and this is a beautiful update. But then, legal battles in space will always win me over. Love it just as much as HBP’s, which is a pretty high bar to cross.

Forest of a Thousand Lanterns (Julie C Dao) - This took me a while to get through, because it was so, I don’t know, filled with impending doom? This little book had such a dark, blood-soaked voice, and I love a fairytale retelling that DOESN’T go how you expect. Absolutely worth reading. Lush setting, high body count.

The Poet X (Elizabeth Acevedo) - If I had known this was all in verse, I wouldn’t have picked it up. So I’m really glad I didn’t know that. If that turns you off, listen to the audiobook. A phenomenal performance. What an immersive experience this book was. It’s stuck with me for months after reading.

The Book of the Unnamed Midwife (Meg Elison) - I love post-apocalyptic stories. This was a brutal one. Explores how different communities deal in the face of disaster, and not for the weak of stomach. But one of my favorite PA books of the year for sure. Bought the sequel and finished both in one day.

An Extraordinary Union/A Hope Divided (Alyssa Cole) - The other set of her books I devoured this year. The first slavery-era US romance I’ve read that didn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth. The way she builds her characters and their bonds is just SO #goals.

Orientalism (Edward Said) - I’ve been meaning to read this for a while, and I finally made it through this year. A little dated, maybe, but a dense brick of really interesting thinking and history. A classic for a reason!! The audiobook is GREAT.

Americanah (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie) - I love a character who is lying to herself! And I love a book where the backstory is meted out in drips and dabs. A dive into communities I know very little about, some of which are right around the corner from me. Ifemelu is a completely solid character, one that feels ABSOLUTELY real.

Trail of Lightning (Rebecca Roanhorse) - If you’ve read her short fiction, you know she’s a master. This lived up to it. Post-apocalyptic Navajo monsterhunters? Exactly as awesome as promised. The mythology and worldbuilding are perfection.

The Calculating Stars/The Fated Sky (Mary Robinette Kowal) - THESE BOOKS! I love alternate history, I love space, I love characters who confront prejudice within themselves and without! Every character makes SENSE, even when they’re awful! All the science feels absolutely real! I WANT TO GO TO SPACE

The Book of M (Peng Shepherd) - My goodness, I read a lot of post apocalyptic novels this year? This one has one of my personal fears - memory loss that can’t be stopped. Another great blend of science and maybe-magic and spirituality (?) and how humans cope with weird, horrifying, tragic things.

Alexander Hamilton (Ron Chernow) - I figured before seeing Hamilton I needed to read the book, and I’m really glad I did. Super engaging, with just the right blend of anecdote and data. After reading this I definitely annoyed my mother and my spouse during the whole musical by whispering trivia at them.

War Against All Puerto Ricans (Nelson Denis) - I’m ashamed to say I knew very little about the history of Puerto Rico. After reading this book, that really pisses me off. The US really did PR wrong, and continues to do so. A vital read for anyone interested in US history.

Cinder/Scarlet/Winter/Cress (Marissa Meyer) - Apparently people have been into these for years and I’m just hitting them now. Fun YA, a genre I’ve missed (I like all this hard-hitting, serious YA, but sometimes over the top silly is absolutely necessary!). Spouse and I enjoyed pointing out all the absurd fairy tale tropes.

Station Eleven (Emily St. John Mandel) - !!! I’m ALL ABOUT books that weave together multiple stories that you KNOW how to intersect somehow but you don’t know HOW IT WILL HAPPEN! Post apocalyptic, weaving stories over fifteen years, all connecting to the life of one guy as the apocalypse hits. GREAT.

All God’s Children Need Travelling Shoes (Maya Angelou) - Yes, I’m well past missing the boat here. But I’m catching up. My goodness, she’s a beautiful writer. And the period covered in the book is spellbinding and brutal and painful and gorgeous.

Cooking is Terrible (Misha Fletcher) - Okay, do you have like twelve minutes and four dollars to cook dinner every night? THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU. Easy recipes in non-threatening form, with going off-script absolutely encouraged. I read this start to finish and have been referring back FREQUENTLY as I cook.

Front Desk (Kelly Yang) - THE MIDDLE GRADE BOOK I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED. Oh, this was wonderful. I want to give this to every ten year old I know (which is actually none?). Mysteries! Racism! Badass middle schoolers! Intra-community problems! Three-dimensional characters! YES!

Edge of Nowhere (Felicia Davin) - SPACE ROMANCE! Teleportation! Cafe-owning lesbians! Sweet big stoic guy/small angry disaster guy romance (my FAVORITE KIND)! SPACE SPORTS! Space HEIST!!!! Alternate dimensions! YES.

Everything I Never Told You (Celeste Ng) - This one hurt. What real, beautiful, flawed, horrible characters. All their choices made sense in context, all their pain felt real, and I didn’t want to leave them when the book ended. Content warnings for child death. The 1970s have never felt so close.

Little Fires Everywhere (Celeste Ng) - I usually hate books that start at the end, but this one earned it. Disaster rich people are kind of my jam, especially when they have consequences. And again the characters were the stars. I felt like I knew everyone, and I loved them even when they were awful.

Into the Drowning Deep (Mira Grant) - I’m never going in the ocean again. Mermaids have been ruined forever. Terrifying. Great characters, some of whom die horribly. Scary scary unending horrorshow. But oh, what a way to go. Gory fun filled with great representation.

Uprooted (Naomi Novik) - I was so delighted by Spinning Silver I almost forgot that I loved this one NEARLY as much! Scary forest, plenty of fantasy/fairytale tropes turned on their heads. Disaster love interest. Competent, frustrated main character. A+.

The Beauty that Remains - There were a lot of dead friends books this year, and this was my favorite in the not-police-related category of those. Strangers whose lives weave together around the deaths of three people close to them all, and the band that brought them all closer. Gorgeous.

An Indigenous People’s History of the US (Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz) - Another one that’s absolutely vital in filling gaps in the history I’ve learned of this country. Engaging writing and strong voice. Didn’t give me any warm patriotic fuzzies, that is for sure.

Company Town (Madeline Ashby) - Floating future town! Unions! Murder! Loved it.

The Underground Railroad (Colson Whitehead) - I know the boat on this was a couple years ago, but what a chilling, brutal, beautiful book. The slight speculative element was just the perfect touch to give it a flavor of myth, if that makes sense. Steel yourself before reading.

River of Teeth (Sarah Gailey) - HIPPOS! IN THE MISSISSIPPI! This was a DELIGHT from start to finish. Leverage on HIPPOS in the Wild West?! YES PLEASE.

The Wanderers (Meg Howrey) - Astronauts on a simulated mission to Mars basically all break down, as does everyone around them. I adored this book. I loved the thousand POVs because each one was its own distinct voice. I loved the different ways everybody fell apart!

Infomocracy (Malka Older) - WORLDBUILDING!!!!!! Future elections, future political system, future tech, all brilliantly built. I need to read the sequels, but I haven’t managed to work up the brainpower I know they deserve!!! READ THIS if you like scifi political minutiae (I DO)

The Poppy War (RF Kuang) - The first half is Tamora Pierce, the second half is George RR Martin, but better. This was nothing like what I expected. Absolutely staggeringly, brutally beautiful. What a bold novel. Will buy anything else she ever writes sight unseen.

Warcross (Marie Lu) - This is what I wanted Ready Player One to be. Virtual reality gaming with real life consequences. References and fantastic characters. The sequel is just as good.

Zeroboxer (Fonda Lee) - BOXING IN SPACE! Secret science!! MYSTERIES!! All things I love.

Dread Nation (Justina Ireland) - GREAT. Zombies during the Civil War. A heroine who takes no shit and instead takes zombie heads off. COMBAT SCHOOLS. SUPER GREAT.

An Ember in the Ashes (Sabaa Tahir) - I didn’t expect to love this the way I did, but I devoured it, and the two sequels, each in about a day. This felt like all the best parts of old-school fantasy novels, the thick kind you shoved in your backpack in seventh grade, but BETTER. And I love a good Evil Roman!

Space Opera (Catherynne Valente) - Queen meets Hitchhiker’s Guide! This was a JOURNEY from start to finish, a glorious, absurd, delightful meditation on fame and Eurovision and what it means to be worthwhile and human and a person. YES.

The Broken Earth (NK Jemisin) - More like the BROKEN ME after reading these. Periapocalyptic fiction, absolutely 100% deserving every award and more. Content warning for very small child death brutally described, and more horrors. NK Jemisin goes HARD.

American Islamophobia (Khaled A Beydoun) - Could not put this down. I learned an astonishing amount, especially about the historical place of Islam, Muslims, and Islamophobia in the US. A hard read, but worth the work.

All the Birds in the Sky (Charlie Jane Anders) - Okay, I have to admit it, I have no idea what was going on in this book. But that didn’t stop me from loving it!! Witches and technology and animals and weird apocalyptic nonsense! DELIGHTFUL

Anger is a Gift (Mark Oshiro) - Another YA book that pulled no punches. What a phenomenal look into the way kids and communities of color move through the world, and how the world moves against them.

History is All You Left Me (Adam Silvera) - SO MANY DEAD FRIEND BOOKS THIS YEAR. A great use of the start at the middle, work both directions format, it covers both the time before the death of the MC’s ex and the fallout. I wept through most of it.

White Tears (Hari Kunzru) - Horror, and the villain is essentially appropriation. Very satisfying! The author’s love of music comes through. A nerdy, scary, millennial read.

Love, Hate and Other Filters (Samira Ahmed) - Loved this. Melded teen interpersonal drama, family expectations vs. dreams, and confronting the world and the way they see you all at once, woven together in a beautiful way.

A People’s History of the US (Howard Zinn) - Obviously this is great. I listened to the audiobook, narrated by his son. Sobbed through the child labor chapters. Cheered at the union chapters. Loved it.

Thornfruit/Nightvine/Shadebloom (Felicia Davin) - I LOVE WORLDBUILDING. This is a fantasy on a world that doesn’t turn, so night and day are DIRECTIONS, not times. SO COOL. And I adore the main character. Small Angry/Large Shy is the BEST ROMANCE TROPE. The magic and language is beautifully developed.

Tempests and Slaughter (Tamora Pierce) - Look. I’ll read a gonorrhea brochure if Tamora Pierce writes it. So you knew this would be on the list. But it earned its spot! I love Numair in the Daine series, and he’s a tiny ball of feelings in this. I need more.

Unfamiliar Fishes (Sara Vowell) - I’ve always been interested in Hawaiian history, and though this was a little light and memoir-y for my taste, it contained a shocking amount of information that went down easy in her light, friendly style. Absolutely worth the couple hours it’ll take you.

The Only Harmless Great Thing (Brooke Bolander) - Elephants! Memory! What it means to have value! What we owe other beings! Radium! Sharp and dark and deeper than it has any right to be.

#book recs

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thricebedamned-blog · 5 years

Text

Bitterness (lost letters 2)

There's a cost I paid for loving you. You never asked me to, but I paid it. Periodically, it fucking exhausted me. The closer we got the more it took out of me. The doubt my insecurity heaped on me and the dread of watching you suffer exacted a toll. I lost sleep, I lost focus, I lost patience. Even how good you made me feel impacted the rest of my life: I walked around in a state of dopamine burn that deadened my eyes, and it was far harder to enjoy my wife's conversation after an hour or so on the phone with you. Hell, back in 2017, I was putting on weight from the stress you were under.

And the whole time I couldn't even support you completely, because there are lines friends (non-Old Man friends) don't cross and because friend loses to wife every single time. It was like loving you with both hands tied behind my back. It frustrated and strained me almost every damn day.

Maybe you noticed, maybe not. You're very perceptive but I'm apparently super good at burying things.

I paid that cost, gladly, to be close to you. I would pay it again for all the things you give me. I still pay some of it, even here in my very specific place. But that's not really what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about my relationship with your wall.

I have a real love-hate dynamic with this thing *gestures at wall*. I understand it. I know why it's here. I admire its construction. I can infer a lot from the wear, the damage, and the renovations it's had. It's honestly really entertaining watching dudes go splat on it. I very much value the protection it offers you and appreciate that, in a very literal sense, it's fair.

But it's fair like Hammurabi was fair. It's brutal. And I feel like it's brutal to you as well, but no speculation on you inner life; we're on me now. And I've hurt myself on this wall...so much. I've ripped my hands up trying to dig under it, cracked my butt bone sliding down it, and banged my head against it in frustration so, so many times. You know my motivation, but to extend the metaphor I swear to Thoth I've heard crying on the other side.

The bitterest irony (barring, possibly, one) is this:

It felt like a triumph, finally trying to scale it by sending that letter to you.

I have spent a lifetime denying and denigrating and devaluing my wants and needs and feelings. Almost every name carved on my heart is the name of someone who had no idea how I felt about them until it was far too late, because I was too afraid to ask for what I really wanted, so I settled for friendship. Some of them still have no idea. For the others, at some point my self defeating nature was satisfied that nothing could actually be *changed* by revealing my feelings. So I did, and it wasn't, except that I got my tragic, dramatic moment.

One of them got a whole screenplay and a years-late love-letter under an full moon eclipse, it was legendary.

A part of me really gets off on being a romantic martyr. It's kind of fucked up. You may recognize my manic episode as a variation on this pattern: involuntary, irrational, and agonizing, but cut from the same theatrical, self-destructive cloth.

I wasn't going to let that happen with you. I was going to be honest, and mature, and brave. So, after our second time out, I screwed my courage to the sticking place, and I asked politely if you wanted anything more. And it felt like pressure to you. When I desperately wanted the reassurance of hugging because not knowing where I stand was playing hell with my insecurities, I asked if it would be okay. And it felt like pressure to you.

When I had grown weary of pretending just friends was a sufficient shell for what I felt for you; When I had hurt you too many times because "friendship" is toothless and I wanted to put my commitment to you on an equal footing with my wife; When I had started to feel self-loathing and guilt over what I had come to see as pining for you (I did a lot of that in my younger years, too much); When the dread, and desire, and uncertainty, and just Feelings had built to a boiling point: I worked up my courage and laid my cards on the table.

Your reaction felt like you got up from the aforementioned table and murmured, "do you think this is a fucking *game* to me?" And slammed a door in my face.

You compared me to "I'm not racist but" guys, which, *ow*.

So much for courage. So much for not waiting too long.

I fell from your wall, an assurance that this was the last straw in a pile I hadn't realized was accumulating following me down, and I was crushed. I recognized my fuck up immediately (you were very clear about that) but the *finality* of your response, the raw hurt to it, well, it smashed me right in that giant column of insecurity I found a few weeks ago. My feelings had failed me, and hurt you, and fucked everything up.

But still, as always, I asked myself a lot questions.

Wasn't I worth taking a chance on? Wasn't I worth forgiving, or giving the benefit of the doubt? Didn't the reasons I did it matter? Didn't I matter to you enough to try and fucking talk it out? Was I not a good man?

Not to the wall. Not to that part of you. I had gone too far and could no longer be trusted, and so any chance of emotional let alone physical intimacy was shot. Dead and buried.

I felt like your entire image of me, all of my worth in your eyes, was erased by that one fuck up. I was reduced to a binary. Applied pressure, *bam* unworthy. Outside the wall forever. However else I made you feel, "safe" was off the table, and so were we.

But, I now realize, I'd been doing the same thing to you in some sense. I'd laid it all on the table and framed it as, if not all or nothing, at least *something* or nothing. I'd let myself grow fixated on what I wasn't getting, on how much it was taking out of me. I was behaving like an addict that needed a stronger fix.

That's an easy trap for me to fall into, I think. We'll come to my obsessive streak later.

But you're not my drug, you're not my dealer, you're yourself, and my needs were never yours to resolve.

I feel like you'd have listened, patiently and kindly if I had expressed it as something I was struggling with, but I couldn't see that at the time, because I was delirious with my own unexamined emotions (for someone so analytical, you'd think I'd be more aware of those things).

And I didn't fully trust you.

I was afraid you'd respond to me with the same disgust you showed for the old man's insistent, emotional pleading. The idea of you seeing me, talking about me, the way you do him horrifies me. I wanted to approach it from a position of strength rather than vulnerability, rather than weakness. Because I had never seen my feelings as anything *but* weakness. Which is why I held back my full motivations and tried to make it more cerebral, a plea of the mind rather than from the heart.

Perhaps it would have made no difference; either way, I ignored your warnings and put the enormous pressure of the emotions I was grappling with on you.

Yeah. Really fucked that one up.

Anyway, my heart was shattered. My courage rewarded with a firm and final rejection from someone irreplaceable. I was furious, and bitter; loaded with self-loathing and guilt (I had hurt you, selfishly, foolishly, and irrevocably). I didn't deserve you and I tried to quit you. I assumed you wanted as little as possible to do with me, and --even owning responsibility for what happened-- it was impossible not to feel slighted, burned.

I flung myself back into my unhealthy marriage, and tried to let that be enough. It was safe, anyway. I know all the ways she hurts me; you, it seemed, had novel means at your disposal. And it was healthier than it had been before I knew you; I was more willing to stand up for myself, draw boundaries. Some of the strength you gave me stayed.

I didn't even want to try to connect with anyone else because I knew I'd just be looking for a substitute you, and that's both a doomed effort and unfair to anyone else I could have dated.

I never broke down on the outside, aside from a couple nights of heavy drinking, but in unguarded moments I'd find Sarah looking at me and asking "daddy, what's wong? You wook sad." Yeah, kid, daddy's sad, but that's okay. Sometimes people feel sad.

That went on for months, like it will. I fell a long way and I did not land well. I was hurt bad.

But hurts heal; most pains are temporary. For me, love is not. My affection for you was unchanged regardless of rejection. When you called, I answered. When you needed an ear, I listened. When you laughed, my heart lit up just the same.

And here we are again. Another of my dramatic outbursts, although not meticulously planned by any means. Another rejection of sorts. But, this time I knew it was coming. It winded me, grounded me. I expected it.

Seriously. I was mostly hoping you'd be able to trust me enough to open up about ... well, me, but I know I'd been acting crazy and pushy and that's not someone you want knocking around inside your wall. You did the correct thing, and it helped me a lot. I needed to feel the rejection again to get back to a current emotional reality. I shook the trust-dust off and found myself, restored, stable, and outside your wall.

Where I belong, probably; safe, I fear I am not.

But, now I'm ready to show you my cards without asking you to play by any rules but your own. I'm no longer (very) afraid you'll banish me from your life, nor concerned I'll blow my nonexistent chance to gain your affections. I trust you, and I just want you to see my cards. To see me.

#Loveletters #romance #writing #Ihopeyouliketext #heartbreak #anger #pain #bitterness

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