My, What a Lovely Chest You Have

Gentlemen, does your wife despair of her small chest? Then do the right thing by her and arrange for her to get a nice, big chest for Christmas. I'm sure you'll both get hours of joy and pleasure out of it.

It's Christmas Day, and that means the annual Googiemas ad is hot off the press! This year, we turn our attention to Lane Chests, whose ad in Look magazine's issue for December 28, 1954 brought this ad's headline to mind immediately. I'm a sucker for a good double entendre, but I do hope I haven't made a boob of myself. If I have, I'll be sure to make a clean breast of everything.

Merry Googiemas!

Ah, once again, Googiemastime has descended upon us! Dress in your finest and hold that smile for the next 24 days, because Santa has a new television set, and he is watching you.

This Christmas give the gift of dirty words!

Imagine the joy of a child upon seeing the presents piled up underneath the Christmas tree! Oh, the possibilities! Could it be a new bicycle? A space ranger gun? Maybe even one of those newfangled hula hoops?

Nope, it's a Mountebank-Huckster, America's most reputable dictionary since whenever its publishers were released on parole. I'm sure those are tears of joy.

For 2022, it's Merriam-Webster's turn in the firing line for the annual Christmas ad. The possibilities presented by a dictionary of all things were just too good to ignore; what other dictionary would list every possible use for the f-word, with detailed instructions on how and when to use it? This is the stuff we should be teaching our kids in school.

Merry Christmas and festive felicitations, you benighted roughnecks.

Yes, it's happened again, Googiemastime is upon us! Quick, rush out and buy a bunch of things you don't need with money you don't have! ’Tis the season, you know.

After a year like the one we've had, we could all do with a little brightness in our lives. DE Christmas bulbs give so much brightness that they can boil paint, but only for about 30 seconds or so until they burn out violently. DE advises that while it is safe to put up their Christmas lights, under no circumstances should you plug them in and switch them on. The Christmas ad tradition continues, and this time it's General Dreadful Electric's turn in the limelight. DE used to be quite the industrial colossus, but after being bought out by a foreign conglomerate some years back, they've been reduced to having their logo stamped on products they didn't make. How very third-millennium.

Shipping bottlenecks mean Santa's having to work a hell of a lot faster this year.

Christmas Sucks

This year, the House of Googie’s famous Christmas advertisement comes courtesy of our friends over at Electrolax, makers of fine blunt force objects. This year’s offering is a bit later than normal, but that’s okay, it’s 2020, after all.

I’ve included the original ad for your enjoyment, because let’s be honest, giving your wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas is an excellent way of ensuring you won’t live to see Boxing Day.

Ho ho ho.

Ah, ’tis Googiemastime again! Safe and socially-distanced seasonal greetings to you all! We’re almost through this year, folks, so keep those shoulders squared and those pearly whites gritted. Pour out an Early Times if the need arises.

The approach of Googiemastime means the annual parody ad that adorns the back of a door at my house. I ran through a few candidates this year, including Christmas lights, chairs, and Masonite building supplies. As I looked at this Roy Rogers ad from 1957, the words “but we wanted Fortnite!” came to mind. I’m so sorry.

Also included in this post are the other ads from the 2010s. Considering how basic these were back in 2010, I’d say they’ve come a hell of a long way since Top-n-Trim changed everything in 2013.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

’Tis the season for good cheer and Googie.

The final Googiemas of the decade is approaching, which means it is time to festoon the House with resplendent and festive decorations. Or we can just put up a huge pizza and be done with it.

(Original picture courtesy Crazy Mirrors)

It’s a Sign of the (Shitty) Times!

Googiemastime is almost upon us again, and as per tradition, it’s time for my annual Door Sign. For the uninitiated, the Door Sign is a satirical ’50s-themed ad I make every year that rips the hell out of mid-century Christmases, and all for the purpose of stopping people from opening a door. It would seem I’m at my most sarcastic at this time of year.

In case you missed previous years’ offerings, here’s a quick run-down of all the ’50s parodies I’ve made: 2013: Top ‘n’ Trim follows the philosophy of Model Years For Everything 2014: Sears Roebuck takes a turn for the worse 2015: Underground Airways awaits your custom 2016: BAC Victoria unveils Christmas ’50 TV sets for Christmas ’56 2017: Bill Telephone has you covered for Christmas breakdowns

And so we come to 2018′s offering: Shitty Times Whisky. Given that Mother Dearest came close to committing homicide in the kitchen last year, I thought it only suitable that Father Dearest deal with this time of year in the way that Father Knows Best: getting juiced and waiting for it to all blow over. Given how powerful this stuff is, I’d imagine a good whiff of the stuff alone would lay you out for a day or two.

For those of you wondering, this was a cheery Early Times whiskey ad from 1955 until I came along and ruined it. Other candidates for this year included Zippo (for festive pyromania) and Gem razors (for a closer shave down there), but what sold me on this one was the original ad’s headline: “How a case of Early Times solves your holiday problems”. With an opener like that, I couldn’t resist taking the ad to its extreme by having Shitty Times solve your holiday problems by blacking you out until new year’s.

A lot of planning and Photoshopping goes into the Door Signs, and this year’s required a little more than its predecessors because I had to edit out the Early Times logos and replace them with Shitty Times ones that stuck close to the style of the original ad. My dear friend KoHoSo helped out by providing the name, and I couldn’t have come up with a funnier or blunter one if I tried. It took a lot of work, but I’m quite pleased with how it came out.

Bottoms up!

Hey, it’s Googiemas again! Quick, put up the festive fallout shelter signs! Put on the Bing Crosby record! And for God’s sake, don’t look like you’re freaking out!

Bill Telephone’s at it again!

It’s Googiemastime, which means it’s time for some festive advertising. This is an annual tradition of mine going back into the mists of time (last decade), and to put it simply, it’s a festive bit of art warning people not to open a certain door. The backstory and 2013-15 ads are here, and here’s the 2016 advertisement.

This year’s offering is a warping of a 1959 Bell Telephone ad extolling the virtues of a second telephone at Christmas. Naturally, I couldn’t let the opportunity to have another swing at Bill Telephone go by, and so here we are.

As it so happens, I saw this woman on the front of a calendar at the mall the other day. Naturally, all I could think of was her teetering on the brink of homicide while the food burns in the oven.

I’d stay out of the kitchen for a while if I were you.

That mushroom cloud in the distance can mean only one thing - it’s Googiemas! May Santa and his big Cadillac bring you all you could wish for, and may it be as magical as ever.

Is it time for Googiemas already?