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modernperplexity · 1 year

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Mine Ch. 1: Homecoming

Chapter Rating: E (18+) Minors DNI, mention of alcohol, substance abuse, suggestive language, abandonment.

Word Count: 4K

A/N: Ahh the day is here and Chapter 1 is finally posted! I apologize for the delay. I had originally planned for this to be up sooner but life happened and my week became more busy than expected. You guys, this first chapter is kind of massive as I am introducing characters and setting up the plot. As I mentioned in my previous post, this is my very first fic so please be kind and bear with me. My asks are open to suggestions, questions, comments, etc. I definitely want to grow and improve as a writer <3

Again, special thanks to @ssuperficialspacecadett, your advice on fic writing was truly helpful! <3 Please, please, please be sure to check out her writing! She is SO very talented!

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Happy Frankie Friday y'all!

Mine Masterlist

Mine Chapter 1: Homecoming

It felt like the billionth-mile marker you had passed on the way to your new apartment. “Almost home, just three more hours to go.” you quietly encouraged your tired self after 18 hrs on the road. You miss the warm kiss of the Florida sun and the palm trees gently swaying in the cool breeze of the beach. The open road ahead was brimming with new possibilities but the closer you came to home, the more daunting it all became. Your hands nervously gripped the steering wheel as you took a deep breath in and slowly out. “It’s the right choice, new job, new era, just with familiar people...It was the right call.” You muttered to yourself, doing your best to quiet the insecure thoughts with your favorite podcast.

You had loved Seattle- absolutely adored it. Your job was amazing, and your apartment beautiful, but tainted. So you pushed through an extra six months after calling off the engagement in an attempt to make the city your own, only to realize you had outgrown it. You had outgrown that relationship too, gave him so many damn chances to fess up about his dubious behavior but drew the line when you serendipitously found a red lacey thong under his bed.

*RINGGG* your phone blared through your train of thought, consequently yanking you back to earth. “Hey, girl! How’s the road?” Michele had been ecstatic at the recent news of your return and proud that you had split with Sam. He was what she often referred to as a “pinche cabron” (fucking idiot). After all, Michele was not the type of person to keep her thoughts to herself. She was always intuitive and strong. Her shoulder being the one you’d lean on time and time again.

“It’s…long” you laughed nervously, “Can’t wait to get my hands on a Cubano and some Tostones.”

“Oh my god! That’s right, you’ve been deprived! I’ll pick some up for us and swing by your new place. Just send me your new address and ETA.”

“You’re an angel! Thank you!” you chirped, your voice betraying your efforts to mask the anxiety boiling up in your chest.

“Hey… you okay?”

Nothing gets past this woman.

A deep sigh relieves the tension in your body while you shift in your seat, stretching your aching back. “Yeah, just getting in my head. Coming home is the right call…right?”. You almost felt defeated, like you moved across the country and came back with nothing to show for it.

“Absolutely! Honestly, after everything that happened. I don’t blame you. I would’ve done the same thing. You know what? I know just what you need. We’re going out.”

The next few days were a blur. The moving boxes in your living room were now nearly gone thanks to Michele and a couple of other friends and family that had stopped by to welcome you back home. Thank goodness for their help, your body was so tired from the trip, it didn’t dawn on you until last night that you’d start your new Speech Language Pathologist Assistant (SLPA) job at the speech clinic the next day.

The clinic had more Speech Language Pathologists (SLPs) and SLPAs than you were used to but that was a blessing honestly. After a day of orientation and introductions, you really felt like you had landed on your feet. The sense of familiarity eased your new job jitters. The lead therapist showed you to your office and you began setting your room up with materials and games for the patients you’d be seeing that day. Lindsay, the sweet SLPA whose office was across from yours, briefly introduced herself and gave you a heads-up about the patients on your schedule. She passed along her notes on the patients who she had seen previously. Their preferences in toys, games, and their progress toward their goals.

“Thank you so much, Lindsay. This is a huge help!”

“No problem, who’s first on your schedule?”

Your hands scrambled through your notes. “Umm…Camila Morales. Have you done therapy with her before?”

“Nope, must be an initial visit. She’s a little one too, says she’s only 3 years old on her evaluation.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks!” You said as you turned on your heel and continued preparing for the session.

Should be fine. Just interviewing the parent, going over goals, letting the patient get to know me… I got this.

You grabbed your patient’s chart at the front desk as the 9 o’clock patients signed in. Lindsay nudged your side and nodded in the direction of the reception desk as a handsome man in a cap grabbed a pen and a clipboard. “I think that’s your patient being signed in”. With a slight nod, you made your way to meet your first patient of the day.

“Camila Morales” you called into the waiting room.

Camila slowly and carefully climbed off the waiting room chair as she heard her name. Her dark chocolate curls gathered into two ponytails bouncing as she made her way to greet you.

“You must be Camila! I’m your speech teacher, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m so excited to show you all the toys we will use for your therapy session today.” You chirped sweetly as you crouched down to her eye level. The corners of her lips slightly curved into a sheepish smile as she held her father’s hand and a light blue stuffed bunny in the other.

“Morning, Miss. Sorry about Bunzy, she refuses to go just about anywhere without him” he explained.

Your gaze met the deep brown eyes of the man in the cap. His gaze was strong but warm, his smile immediately charming. “Good morning! Oh please don’t worry, it won’t be a bother.” You give him your name and stretch out your hand “You must be Mr. Morales.”

“Oh, no. I’m not, uh… I’m Santiago…Santiago Garcia, Cami’s godfather. Fish asked me to bring Cami to her first appointment. He got caught up at work but he’ll be here for the next session.” He breathed. He settled in the chair in your office, watching as Cami eagerly darted to the Dollhouse you brought out for her, already making herself comfortable much to his content.

It took you a moment to register what Santiago said. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I assumed you were her father. Um…did you say Fish?” You said as you grinned at the odd pet name and looked over Camila’s file.

He let out a slight chuckle “I did… My apologies, I meant Mr. Morales...old habits, I guess” he shrugged in awe at himself using a prefix before his best friend’s last name. The way it rolled off his tongue, was unnatural, like a fish out of water.

“Ah,” you smiled, “Got it. Well, today is going to be a pretty easygoing session. I just want to get to know her, let her get to know me, and we will go over her speech goals” You took a packet of speech delay information that you usually handed out to parents and handed them to Santiago. “Please pass along this information to Mr. Morales.. Can you tell me more about Camila?”

Santiago filled you in on Cami’s favorite games, songs, books, and toys. He knew her first words and how frustrated she would get when she could not communicate her wants and needs. He knew Cami quite well and talked about her as if she was his own. She was so comfortable with him, it was easy to see that they had a strong bond. As predicted, the session was a breeze and soon enough Cami was waving goodbye to you as Santiago carried a giggling Cami down the hall, praising her for earning a glittery unicorn sticker. You swear you could hear his smile as he said “Te portaste muy bien preciosa” (You behaved so well, lovely girl).

It was the 5th attempt at coming up with an outfit tonight. The clock was ticking and you knew you were behind schedule. Michele was on her way and she was never one to be late. The room was a mess and your clothes were everywhere. You glanced at your phone which read 8:50 pm. The time pressuring you to settle on a pair of black distressed wide-leg jeans, block-heeled sandals, and a cowl neck camisole.

Oh my god! Michele is going to kill me. I haven't even done my makeup!

You went for an easy look, foundation, blush, mascara, light shadow, and eyeliner. Not trying to impress anyone tonight, It was a girl's night after all. As you applied the finishing touches to your make-up, you heard the front door that you had left unlocked anticipating Michele’s arrival, creak open. Soon after, her steps echoed down the hall leading to your bathroom.

Shit, out of time.

“G’damn, mujer, you’re not ready?” She leaned, arms crossed against the door frame.

Your makeup brush hit the vanity and your hands swung up at the sound of her voice, “I’m ready, I swear... I’m ready” You giggled.

“Okay, Slothy McSlothson. I hope you stocked up your fridge with Pedialite cause we’re probably gonna need it later” she chided “I’ll put in the Lyft request and let the other girls know we’ll be heading out soon”

“You sneaky girl! I’ve been rushing thinking it was pre-scheduled!” a playful scoff leaving your mouth.

“What? I know you! I knew you were gonna run late, so I figured I’d get the Lyft when I got to your place.” She shrugged and reached for the bottle of Gin she brought for you and mixed it with mango juice.

“Here, I thought we’d pregame before the Lyft gets here. I know you can get a little nervous going out sometimes.”

A small gasp left you, “My little Cuban hero, thanks!” eagerly taking the cup and taking a sip, “Where are we going anyway?”

“Oh, you’ll see.”

You heard excited squeals as you walked into the lively Cuban bar, the upbeat Salsa filling the space, almost drowning out their enthusiastic embraces. The friends you hadn’t seen in a few years, Crystal, Lexi, and Naomi, ran up to hug you and Michele. After ordering your drinks you sat at a table near the folding window of the bar. They caught you up on their love lives, work, and family. You tried hard to keep the attention on them and not on your failed engagement but it was only a matter of time before it came up.

“Wait, why are we the only ones talking… what happened with Sam?” Crystal asked.

In an instant Michele looked up at you after taking a sip of her drink, attempting to read your expression to know if she needed to change the subject or not. She could read you like a book.

Your gaze met hers, “It’s fine” you waived her off “Things with Sam are done, turns out he wasn’t as committed to me or the idea of spending the rest of his life with one person.”

“Awe shit” Lexi added, “so that means..”

“Yep, found a little souvenir his girl left behind” They all groaned, almost in unison.

“It’s okay, I think I’m better off. I’m relieved I found out before I gave up my apartment or started making any deposits on venues.”

“And you’re back now… who knows, maybe you were meant to course correct and come back home.” Crystal chimed in.

“Either way, you seem like you’re doing great. We’re glad to have you back” Michele smiled and squeezed your hand to reassure you.

The night continued as your group bar hopped from place to place. The warm summer breeze enveloped you as you walked arm linked with your friends. Michele led your group to the last stop of the night. You all but stopped in your tracks when you saw the buzzing neon Live Karaoke sign.

Well, this is going to be fun.

Frankie couldn’t help his fidgeting tonight, consistently checking his phone for updates on Cami. He wondered if she finished her dinner if she struggled during bath time, or if she gave his mom trouble when it was time to go to bed. He leaned on his mom for support if he absolutely needed to. Only letting her babysit when he was at work or when he ran errands. He was so hell-bent on being a good father and staying out of trouble that he hardly let himself relax. He reasoned he owed Cami that much, especially after Ashley decided to leave. After her frustration with his decision to go on that mission, after he came back distraught by the loss of Tom and the wreck of a mission that he was part of, only to fall into the familiar comfort of his vice. Fed up and devastated, Ashley decided to take Cami to Frankie’s mother’s house after saying she was going out for groceries only to never return. That was the day that changed everything. It was that moment that snapped him back into reality. He needed to do better, be better, for Cami. That was all that mattered.

There was no way in hell Santiago would let him cancel. Not after he, Ben, and Will had planned this night for weeks. It had only been a couple of days since Santiago’s return from traveling around the world. This night was a big deal, it was the first time in a long time they were finally all in one place. Frankie would not hear the end of it if he bailed, especially since Pope was currently staying at Frankie’s until he found a place of his own. Frankie loved his daughter but It did sound nice to let loose with the boys. He had worked so hard to be who he was now.

“Fish, you good?” Santi asked, as he gave him a solid pat on the back “Seemed like you were somewhere else for a sec.”

“Just worried about Cami” he breathed before raising his glass to his lips.

“She’s in safe hands, it’s your mom. She raised YOU, she can handle Cami” Will chimed in and took a sip of his beer.

“You guys have been going on about how you’ve been planning this for weeks and you settled… on a karaoke bar?” Frankie chuckled.

“It was Ben’s idea,” Will and Santiago said in unison.

Ben rolled his eyes, “What? It was an honest mistake, we failed to notice one little detail.”

“The bar we wanted to go to turns into a club on Saturday nights, and we all know clubbing is not your scene or mine” Will added.

“...and remind me what was wrong with our usual spot?” Frankie pressed.

“C’mon man, It’s a great bar! Brought a date out here last week. Just give it a chance. The live band is great!”

“As long as you don’t sign me up” Ben gave Frankie a devilish grin and stood up “Ben...Benny…don’t you fucking dare!” Frankie’s grip became tighter around the beer he was nursing.

“C’mon old man, it’s all in good fun! You boys make sure he gets a couple more drinks in him, I’ll be right back” Ben winked as he walked away.

Santiago laughed as Frankie dragged his hands over his face “Tranquilo, I’m sure he just went to the bathroom or somethin’ he’s just busting your balls.” Frankie sighs “He’s right though, you gotta chill... I’ll get us another round”

A group of girls walked by and caught Santiago’s eye as he made it to the bar. Particularly one of the girls. She was pretty- very pretty. He could’ve sworn he’d seen her somewhere. It bothered Santiago for all of two minutes until he decided he’d let it go and focus on the boys. He rounded up the beers he ordered and turned to walk back to the group when he heard you. He recognized your voice. He hardly recognized you without your scrubs on. “Oh shit! That’s Cami’s speech teacher!” he muttered under his breath. He thought it best to keep this to himself, for that moment at least. He returned to the table when his mouth dropped. “No.. way! Is that-”

“Ben. Fucking. Miller…who knew he had it in him!?” Frankie interrupted. His suspicions were half correct. Ben had made his way to sign someone up to the karaoke list- himself.

Ben taps the mic half haphazardly and clears his throat “Is everyone having a good time!?” the crowd cheers “I said.. Is everyone having a good time!!?” the crowd cheers even louder, “M’names Ben…Ben Miller and I’m about to make it even better.” he chuckled to himself “Alright ‘nuff talk, this one’s for my boys!” he turned to the band drink in hand as they continued the chord progressions to The Boys are Back In Town by Thin Lizzy.

“That boy…always loved the limelight. He’s eating this shit up” Will chuckled as he shook his head.

“Holy shit” Santiago nodded to the music “not bad either”. He laughed and turned to see a more relaxed Frankie who had his sight set somewhere other than the stage. It seemed that Santiago wasn’t the only one who had noticed you.

The live karaoke bar had the feel of a big theatre with two levels. Each table had a great view of the stage that had a full live band that had an expansive repertoire of songs available for those brave enough to sign up. The stage was impressive and lively, the stage lights changed colors and moved depending on the song of choice.

After getting your drinks, you and the girls decided on a table close to the stage when a guy named Ben went up to sing. He was really into the song- holding on to the mic stand and swinging it around while he sang. The lights turned blue and yellow around him, highlighting his strong features.

“Wooo Ben!” Lexi cheered,“he’s hot.. definitely your type, Michele”

“Ooh, she’s not wrong Meesh, he’s right up your alley” you added “Wha- oh… okay” you laughed as you realized you and Lexi hadn’t even noticed that Michele had left the table. “Could’ve sworn she was right next to me” you shrugged.

Ben’s song came to a close and the crowd cheered. He definitely was a crowd favorite, from what you had seen, at least. There was a lull for a few minutes while the live band played an 80’s song in the background when the lights turned down and the stage lights turned red. You heard what you thought was the intro to a Queen song and you knew immediately who’d be up there. A sweet and slightly buzzed Michele appeared on stage. “Hi, I’m Michele and this song goes out to my best friend who just moved back to Florida- put your hands together for her!” the spotlight shone on you and the crowd cheered. Your eyes went wide, and your body stiffened. You tried your best not to cower in the heat of the light. All you could manage was a shy smile and wave. After what felt like an eternity, the spotlight shifted back to the stage, as you heard Michele start to sing and dance to the melody of Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen. The stress of being the center of attention left your mouth dry. You needed a drink- desperately.

Frankie’s gaze followed you as you walked to the bar. He was almost mesmerized, maybe this could be a good night but there was no way he could talk to you. He couldn’t even remember the last time he flirted. His whole world had been consumed by NA meetings, work, and taking care of his little girl.

“Wow, Fish, she’s gorgeous! At least go buy her a drink. If you don’t, I will, and we both know I’ll go home with more than just her number” Ben breathed.

*smack!* Without hesitation Will slapped Benny upside the head

“Shut up Ben!” Santiago retorted, pausing to look at Frankie. “He’s right, you gotta get back out there. It’s been a while since…just…let yourself have some fun. I’ve seen how you've been gawking at her for the last 5 minutes. If you don’t go, I’ll beat Benny to the bar and we all know. it will be over for you then” he winks.

Frankie turns to Will, who had consistently been the voice of reason. “Pope’s right, at least go talk to her. What have you got to lose?”

“I’ll give you a head start” Benny started counting down with a shit-eating grin “Three…two”

Frankie jerked up and out of his seat, beer in hand almost spilling some on his shirt from the sheer force of the movement “You know what?...Fuck all of you!” he said with a wide smirk and middle finger in the air. He started toward the bar, the men’s laughter fading in the background.

His pace slowed down when he saw you sitting at the bar. He could tell you were kind by the way your eyes sparkled and smiled along with your curving lips when you talked to the bartender. You looked so pretty, so sweet, so…unattainable. There was no way he could talk to you. Frankie started to panic. His mind started to race and think of the many ways he would ruin it. What was the point of even trying to talk to someone new? He had ruined his previous relationship and basically tore his family apart. Why run the risk of going through something like that again? He was more than halfway to the bar when you caught him looking at you.

Fuck, there’s no turning back now.

Frankie groaned at the thought of the plaguing questions he’d receive from Ben and Pope. He thought it best to bring back a round of beers to ease the embarrassment.

“I’ll have four Blue Moons,” He said, his body tense as he took a seat on the red stool.

“You wanna close the tab or leave it open?”

“You can go ahead and close it..thanks.” He said as he shifted in his seat, reaching for his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans. The bartender placed the beers on the bar and placed the customer's receipt and a pen in front of him. Frankie was about to sign when he noticed something.

Tequila Sunrise………$6.45

His gaze lifted to look for the bartender, “Uh.. this isn’t my-”

“I think he mixed up our receipts” a kind voice sweetly interrupted.

“I couldn’t toss back four bottles in one sitting if I tried” You shrugged, and smiled at the handsome stranger, “Do you mind?”

“Not at all” he motioned to the seat next to him.

“Rough night, I take it?”

“Oh uh…nah these aren’t all for me but if I was having a rough night, this would be the part where it starts to get better” he flashed you a half smile before taking a sip of his beer. That was the moment when you really noticed his features. The hook of his nose, how his locks curled and peaked under his hat, the small target tattoo on the hand that held his beer.

God, he’s gorgeous.

“So.. tequila, huh,” he said as he handed you your receipts.

“Yeah... I uh, needed something a bit stronger after my friend’s shout-out. It was sweet, but If I’m being honest don’t like being the center of attention.”

“I get that. Well..welcome back. I’m Frankie by the way” he stretched out his hand and shook yours. Your heartbeat reacted to the way his touch felt on your skin.

You both watched the following performances, giggling as you created silly backstories for each person and why they selected the song they were belting out on stage. This was nice, definitely a breath of fresh air in comparison to the handful of dates you had recently been on- your attempt at getting “back out there”. This wasn’t even a date but you couldn’t help but notice how effortless and natural it felt. You talked about your childhood and your favorite beaches to visit. How you used to love stargazing while listening to the sound of the crashing waves, it was your favorite thing to do especially on a bad day. Frankie shared what brought him to Florida, how he enlisted with his best friend, and what prompted him to begin his career as a pilot. His eyes lit up when he talked about flying, his passion and pride on full display. The beers he had ordered stood forgotten, highlighting the time that had passed.

“Oh wow, I uh.. should get back to my group, and by the looks of it your friends might be needing their beers chilled” you chuckled “But it was really nice talking to you, Frankie,” You said hopping off the barstool.

“I had a great time talking to you too, Hermosa. I hope you have a great rest of your night” His deep chocolate-brown eyes scanned yours. “You too,” You said as you smiled and turned, ready to head back to your group.

“Wait!” he reached out, his fingers gently curling around your wrist, “I didn’t get your name”. The pen the bartender left out came in handy as you reached for it with one hand and held his with the other. Frankie couldn’t help but stare as you bit your lip while you wrote down your name and number on his palm, carefully drawing a small heart next to your name.

“Call me sometime.”

“Aaand he’s back! Pope and I thought we were gonna have to go over there and remind you that tonight was for the boys!” Ben teased as Frankie shook his head as he handed the beers to the men.

“So, how’d it go?” Santi prodded.

“She’s great, we hit it off..”

“You get her number or is my beer dangerously close to being lukewarm for nothin’?” Will chided with a sly grin.

“Awe shit..” Frankie’s brows furrowed at the sight of ink smeared on his palm, “the fuckin beers” His eyes desperately searched the venue, but you were nowhere in sight.

“The hell happened Fish…OH, damn that sucks.” Ben rubbed the back of his neck “Well.. uh..did ya at least get her name?”

Frankie dragged his hand against his face cursing himself for not being more careful.

Pope padded him on the back “Well who knows.. if it’s fate” he shrugged with a half smile, “you’ll see her again”.

You had spent part of your weekend awaiting a text or a call from Frankie. To your dismay, the only notifications causing your screen to glow were Instagram notifications, promotion e-mails, and texts from Michele, who had been eagerly awaiting an update on your situation. By the time Monday rolled around you had given up hope that the brown-eyed pilot you had met that weekend had any interest. You chalked up your connection to him being overly friendly. It wasn’t like he really initiated. Maybe he wouldn’t have talked to you at all had it not been for the bartender’s mistake. You shrugged and shook it off, there wasn’t much you could do about it.

Monday morning’s alarm came a lot faster than you had hoped. You put on your scrubs and grabbed a piece of toast and a cup of coffee before rushing out the door. You were determined to have a great morning. Listened to your upbeat playlist in the car singing your little heart all the way to work.

You made your way down the clinic hall, excited to meet your first patient of the day. Opening the door to see a sweet little curly-haired girl swaying her legs in her seat.

“Cam- Oof!” Little Cami crashed into you as her little arms wrapped around your legs, “Hello to you too Cami!” you smiled at her as you heard footsteps approaching.

“Hermosa?” Your eyes went wide at the sound of the voice, his voice.

Chapter 2

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@ssuperficialspacecadett @spookyjamie333

#frankie morales x reader #frankie catfish morales #pedro pascal #frankie morales #Mine Series #fanfic #frankie morales fanfiction #triple frontier fanfiction #triple frontier #frankie morales x you #frankie morales x f!reader #pedro pascal fandom #pedro pascal character #tripple frontier fic #fancisco catfish morales

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averagelizajane-blog · 6 years

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Counting Blessings

It’s nearly 11pm on Thursday and my eyes hurt I’m so sleepy. I’m angry because I’ve been up since 5am and going NONSTOP; I passed exhausted on Monday and hit zombie-teacher-mom-tired by Tuesday night. As usual, my two kids were in bed by 9pm, but I’m forced to stay awake until 11pm, again, tonight, as I do every night, night after night, every.single.day.

I can’t remember the last time I wrote a blog. Life took over. I’ve been REALLY wanting to sit down and share an update, but between starting a newish job (8th Grade English) and juggling the typical everyday grind – I haven’t been able to make it happen.

So why now? What made me actually sit down in front of my computer … It’s NOVEMEBER! My favorite month due to Thanksgiving & Prematurity Awareness Month! AAAANNNNDDDD, even though I am struggling A LOT with my sleep, my weight, my organization, my parenting skills, and my overall wellness, I have much to celebrate. I was reminded of the extent of my blessings tonight when I pushed Anne-Marie’s two nighttime medications into her feeding tube, and I use the term “pushed” literally! There was a time when we couldn’t actually push the syringe down with any kind of tiny force. We would need to gently and SLOWLY move the top of the syringe down very carefully because the smallest amount of anything into her stomach would cause her to vomit. Now, I give her medicines as quick as possible so I can get to bed! So, as I sit here and think of ALL we have overcome in just three and half short years, I cannot help but get a little emotional.

A RECAP

My second daughter Anne-Marie is a miracle.

I used to hesitate using the term miracle (I actually didn’t like it) because I never felt like I “deserved” one. As ridiculous as it sounds, I felt that God couldn’t possibly perform a miracle in my life. I was raised going to church, but that didn’t equate to being spiritually mature or confident in my knowledge of God. I knew the basics, but that’s it. Therefore, I knew God doesn’t only work miracles for “good” people, he sees everyone as worthy … but I couldn’t help but feel inadequate. It is extremely difficult to put into words, but the best way I can describe it is I felt God had way more important prayers to answer than mine. Almost 4 years ago when I had a life-threatening pregnancy complication (preeclampsia with HELLP syndrome) and had a premature baby, I very much felt more “lucky” than the recipient of a miracle.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I did have faith and I did wholeheartedly pray for a miracle, but I was unable to TRULY believe 100% that my prayers would be answered; I was scared my baby would die. Anne-Marie was born at 25 weeks gestation. She weighed 14.8 ounces. She was 10 inches long. In other words she was smaller than TINY – about the size of my iphone 8 plus with my case. She had an Apgar score of 2 and it took a skilled neonatal team 5 tries at intubation, but she survived the initial birth. In addition to her traumatic yet miraculous start, there are several other details from “early on” that stand out as being heaven sent…

**My best friend Maggie saved my life. Besides being intellectually gifted, she’s intuitive. She knew what was going on with me and my pregnancy. When my symptoms and bloodwork became alarming, she made sure I got the care I needed. I am so naïve, I was going to go to my local hospital. (Not knocking them at all – but I needed a hospital with a level IV NICU) Maggie insisted I go to Duke. She’s knowledgeable in her field of women’s health and knew I needed to be monitored at a hospital equipped for a micropreemie delivery. She sat in on a meeting while I was being admitted and helped put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Plus, she was the calming presence that can only come from a trusting friend, which was exactly what Bradley and I needed during such a scary time. Without a shadow of a doubt, Maggie was put into my life so many years ago for several reasons, and I choose to believe one of those reasons was to save my life at age 31.

**Prior to delivery, when I was being monitored like crazy for seizures, I vividly remember laying in my hospital room wide awake (very alert to be on Magnesium Sulfate) praying to God that they wouldn’t deliver Anne-Marie on my Leah’s birthday. My worst nightmare was for Anne-Marie to not make it and then every year, I’d have a birthday (Leah) and the anniversary of a death on the same day. Well, once again I am thanking God for unanswered prayers because as it turned out, Anne-Marie did need to be delivered on Leah’s birthday. It’s actually a pretty cool blessing. I take it as a pretty big sign from God that He is ultimately in control; I am forever reminded to trust him.

**Anne-Marie spent nearly 7 months in the NICU. She was very sick during part of that time. There is one day in particular that is difficult to think about. She was about 2 weeks old. The “honeymoon” phase was over and her breathing wasn’t great. Her team wanted to change her breathing tube out to the next size up. I don’t really know in medical terms what triggered this event, but I believe she just couldn’t handle the stress of being extubated then reintubated. I walked into the room and the lights were up bright (unusual) and people were all around her isolette. A respiratory therapist was bagging her, a was nurse were administering medicine, doctors were having a discussion, the social worker was trying to make me feel comfortable, and a separate nurse was logging everything they were doing into a laptop on a cart (very unusual). Anne-Marie was unstable. The medical team was anticipating the worst. A hospital chaplain came to ask me if I wanted Anne-Marie to be baptized. That was when everything hit me. I asked one of her doctors if I should call my husband. He responded that my daughter was very sick and she could die at any moment. My memories from the rest of the day are a little blurry, but I remember Bradley driving straight from work and being there in his dirty, greasy work uniform. We spent the night (without sleep) in a room off the side of the waiting room because Anne-Marie was in critical condition. I remember texting everyone who I thought would legit get on their knees and say an honest prayer for Anne-Marie and asking them to PLEASE pray for Anne-Marie. It is weird feeling, needing something SO SO MUCH, yet being so helpless. In that moment, when I sincerely knew people were praying for Anne-Marie, me and Bradley, and our situation – a sense of peace came over me – one that can only come from God.

FASTFORWARD (to more miracles!):

It hasn’t always been easy, but Anne-Marie is now thriving. This is the first time I can actually say that. Before, when people would ask how Anne-Marie was, I would say, “Great!” only because that was the easiest thing to say. Now, it is the truth. Now, Anne-Marie tolerates all her tube feeds; no more vomiting. She still requires a tube feed every 3 hours and it still takes an hour to complete so a lot of her time is still spent feeding – but at least she isn’t suffering anymore. (Anne-Marie threw-up multiple times a day for the first couple of years of her life. This is not an exaggeration. It was extremely sad to witness.) And sure, I have an occasional headache dealing with prescriptions/ insurance/ refills/ pump supplies – but overall it is not too bad, not anything like it used to be. Anne-Marie has made strides in all areas of her development: She is eating more smooth purees by mouth, tolerating new sensory stimulation easier (loud noises, crowds, hand-washing, brushing teeth, etc.), and, most excitedly, she is TALKING!! It’s been a LONG time coming, but another prayer has been answered.

This is the most recent picture I have of Anne-Marie. She is at school celebrating Thanksgiving with her teacher and classmates.

Side-Note (necessary to FULLY grasp the magnitude of this answered prayer):

I am impatient, like really impatient, just ask my husband…

Call it a mother’s instinct, call me pushy or crazy, I don’t care … but I knew it, I knew Anne-Marie wanted to talk. I could see it in her eyes. I read online about Augmentative and Alternative Communication, more specifically, Speech Generating Devices (SGDs), and strongly believed that it was going to be Anne-Marie’s pathway to oral speech. I was optimistic but sadly, not many of Anne-Marie’s “key players” wanted to listen. I’d continuously pitch the idea of getting a tablet to help Anne-Marie talk to anyone who would listen: my husband, her teachers, insurance people, her doctors, my friends at work, and even her SLPs, but unfortunately they were all reluctant. All of the non-medical/speech/ educational people would reply with the worst response ever, “She’ll talk, then you’ll want her to shut up!” (I cringe --- it’s like telling a woman who is having trouble getting pregnant, ohh you just need to relax and it will happen.) I never took it personally, because I know the individuals meant well, and they didn’t know it would hurt my feelings, but it did nonetheless. Responses like that are hurtful because what if she never talked, that happens you know. And then when I asked all of the professionals who knew Anne-Marie about SGDs and AAC therapy, they were polite enough, but I never felt 100% heard. I do not think they were opposed to Anne-Marie having an iPad necessarily, I just feel like their primary focus for Anne-Marie was somewhere else at the time. And to their credit, maybe it should have been. However, I wanted her to have an iPad to help her talk and I wanted it immediately. She needed it. When I’d talk to her, I could read her eyes… she had so much going on, so many thoughts, so much to say, but she couldn’t – she didn’t have the right tools… laminating pictures and using PECS and Velcro just wasn’t cutting it (for Anne-Marie & no pun intended – lol).

So, Anne-Marie had a speech evaluation done at Duke on August 2, 2017. Even though goals to trial AAC devices and begin AAC therapy were recommended at that evaluation, Anne-Marie did not have her first therapy appointment to late July 2018. For an entire year, I waited while feeling helpless. The insurance people and the entire staff at Duke’s Speech and Audiology department know me by first name. I called and appealed and emailed and cried and met face-to-face with a supervisor. I’d give up and quit fighting for what Anne-Marie needed. I’d doubt myself, then try again. Month after month. My only mistake was not trusting God’s timing.

Anne-Marie got her “talker” in June. My parents bought it for her out of pocket because we (my mom and I) were determined we could watch YouTube videos and at least make a little progress. Plus we wanted Anne-Marie to have it when school began in August. We wanted the whole word to know just how smart she was! As of the past couple of weeks, Anne-Marie does NOT need her talker! She only needs to have it for breakdowns of communication. SHE IS TALKING!! Not just saying sounds à she is actually talking! My daughter can tell me with her sweet voice, “I love you!”

I do not want my message to be misinterpreted – I do not believe AT ALL that the “talker” (Speak for Yourself App) alone was the sole reason for such a rapid progression of oral speech. Anne-Marie has been in Early Childhood Special Education for the past 1.5 years. She gets speech therapy at school, in a clinic in town, and at Duke which are all HUGE factors! In addition, my mom is like an unofficial 1:1 teacher/OT/PT/SLP wizard who works magic with Anne-Marie. My mom often scrolls Pinterest and TpT for activities. She spends many quality hours with Anne-Marie each day. My mom has three drawers in my kitchen crammed full of Anne-Marie’s “Nana’s school” materials. I frequently come home to beans, water beads, pom-poms, etc. on my floor and my mom cutting out a new sorting activity that she has printed off for Anne-Marie. My mom is a saint in every sense of the word. She along with Anne-Marie entire village are major pieces to her miracle.

Sooo HAPPY THANKSGIVING to me!

On this World Prematurity Day, I choose praise God Almighty from Him all blessings flow … and the blessings are bountiful. I choose to focus on what is GOOD as opposed to what is stressful. Anne-Marie still requires a lot of specialized attention and takes a lot of out of us, BUT…

*I have a spouse who loves me unconditionally

*I have parents who love me and my kids and would do anything within reason for us

*I have an extended support system like no other

*I live in America where my special needs child receives medical assistance

*I have a job that fulfills me

*I have faith & comfort knowing God is with me in troubled waters

*I have an almost 4-year-old who is talking!

*I HAVE A MIRACLE!

#micropreemie #worldprematurityday #prematurityawareness #lifeafternicu #teachermom #thankful #findingfaith #november #feedingtubeawareness #developmentaldelay #apraxia #AAC #speakforyourself #amateurblog #positivevibes #intentionalthinking #mindovermatter

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