Thinkin on the shitter and in the bath tub (about neurons and personalities) 5/11/18

So i noticed how i can interupt my loudest train of thought with mouth noises and think im not thinking about anything, until i realize im thinkimg about thinking about nothing in a quiter train in the back. I think each train comes from a different neuron group, and depending on how important i find it, and/or maybe i think it needs more conscious processing power, the quiter train thoughts can be moved up to the core language processing neuron group where it gets the most attention. Information from lower level neuron groups move to my core conscious train of thought if its deemed "worth my attention," in this case "me" is my loudest train of thought. Theres another dimension to the hierarchy of neuron groups, personalities. The neurons associated with each of your personalities are all in their own neuron groups, and thier importance level (based on urgency, if it affects your ability to survive, and what ever your core virtues are i guess) kinda determines how strong of an influence they have in your thought trains. If their IL (importance level) is real low like 0 to a lil bit, then they wont really communicate with your language neurons much/at all, and they wont have a voice at all, or maybe a real quiet one every once in a while. If their IP is medium to high, then they'll kinda swap between quiet and loud, letting other high IL personalities take turns. Oh yah! I didnt explain my understanding of personalities here yet. Basically i see our minds made up of millions of micropersonalities, each one cares about one thing, like do i need to pee right now, am i hungry, is that thing silly?(if yes then its IL would be high for me, cause i like silly things) do i wanna smoke some weed? Am i in a sketchy situation? Each of these micropersonalities (pretty much like 1 to 20 neurons each maybe? Not quite sure how much one neuron can do) talk to each other, and a lot of them that i guess have a medium to high IL quite often will talk to each other a lot, and form what most would call a personality. I guess the sketchy situation one would be a little bit bigger of a personality than do i need to pee. It would be made of a bunch of neurons thinkin about awareness, what you think is sketchy, i dunno. Ex. You are in a dark alley, a neuron that thinks "if in dark alley, increase IL for the 'is this sketchy' neurons" and trigger fear response and I cant think of a better way to say 'feel more on edge.' Some real big personalities for me are the ones connected to my core virtues. The neurons i paid a lot of attention to and had high ILs pretty often spent a lot of time talking with my loudest train of thought, and my language center was able to connect them to a name, solidifying their importance to my whole neural network. Btw my core virtues are: Appreciation Friendship Respect Authenticity Willingness Discapline (fuck just realized how close discapline is to willingness. I think theyre different steps tho, willingness to go do the scary things that are difficult and challenging and new with curiosity, and discapline to maintain your virtuous habits and keep your comfortable habits in check) Creation Learning Conscious meditation Unconscious habit Balance Adventure Sexuality Humor( i gave em all sigils and i made this one look kinda like a penis cause i thought it appropriate lol) Freedom Kindness Mindfulness Fuck i had a lot of trouble remembering the last few, and i can not fucking remember the last one. Im still in the process of embedding these virtues, im making a mnemonic device with sigils for each one to help me remember. Ill go look at my notebook to find the last one when i get out of the bath. stream of consciousness writing is real fun, i think imma start posting these on tumblr more. I have a huge backlog to post. If any of yall are interested by any of this nonsense then hit me up in those DMs and we can chat about it. I appreciate you reading this, and i love you if you thought it was interesting. Have a good day, i need to finish bathing and go the fuck to sleep, its 3:45. Goodnight everybody (or just sweetarts, you were my only note last time lol) P.S. while my head was underwater i noticed a pretty definite line where the blueish light through my eyelids stops and the darkness of the inside of my skull begins. Also i was listening to comedy bang bang and i thought about how nice their constant attempts at jokes are. Like me and Daniel usually try to tell jokes at every oppurtunity we see, even when we know its a terrible obvious one. We say it anyway because the way its delivered and the awareness of it being silly and dumb makes it funny anyway. I think we also appreciate the exercising of our comedy muscle as often as possible, cause its fun. Its not as fun to filter everything you think "isnt funny enough" out of your speech. Throw everything you get, some of it will stick, some of it will just thud and fall in a garbage can, which is funny in its own way. Some of it will bounce back at you and it'll hurt, thats dark comedy, still funny. P.S.S. oh it was imagination! I guess i need to work on that one more so i remember it. Its 4:34 and i think im a bit nauseous because of how tired my body is? Im goin to sleep for real this time, goodnight!

please rachel is cute!!!😭💕💞congrats on your freedom!!! i saw your text post about having to do some peer grading🥺it sounds tedious): and then people not doing it properly, gosh😤i hope you can get through them quickly n still have time to relax!💕but i’m glad next semester is gonna be full of fun classes, it’s what you deserve!!! i just know it’ll be one of your best semesters yet😌💕and graduating in april!!! omg :0 congrats!!! that’s such a huge accomplishment hehe. -🎁💫

mndjdj UR cute!! tho waking up at 2am to get to the airport aint it 😬✈️ hehe i finished the peergrade it went better than i thought im so dramatic nd mean 😭 (jk i was v nice imo) ur so sweet i dont deserve u 😭i hope 2020 is good for us both and we both have a good winter semester ❤️ (not sure yours is even called winter) scared for grad but also wouldnt be able to do another semester ahah 😥

do you plan on going to higher education or are ya just gonna chill for a bit?😌that’s true!!! almost halfway! and i’m done with my gen ed classes so now i just gotta focus on my major!!! i don’t really like the uni life so this extra year sounds like hell to me😭but i guess i should start trying to put myself out there more n make the best of my last years😭😔man😭well you tried your best rachel!!! n that’s all that matters😌💕-🎁💫

i applied for grad school! but we'll see how that goes 😣 ooh gen ed is the worst imo bc then u get the fun specialized stuff! 😊 oh noo why dont you like uni? 😔 but i hope you find smth to enjoy in the last years, thats when i started to really enjoy it anyways! 🥰

LITERALLY😭😭felix is just the softest n he’s so utterly sweet!!! he’s been making me go through it lately especially since he keeps on being the ultimate cutie and posting stuff of him being at the dog cafe🥺🤲🏼skz variety😚i saw that video where we get to see chan’s studio n he’s with bin n ji and gosh the tiny teasers we got other songs... omg😳💕i’ve been having levantar on repeat as well, i think she’s gonna dethrone i am who for me😳yeah i dance but i’m not good!!!-🎁💫

omg i KNOW rly goin thru it w felix lately 😭 the dog cafe bls mjsjjdd hes so cute 😭 omg i KNOW!! the seungbin duet bls.. for me.. release it 😭 all the songs sound so so lovely im excited for their future 🙇🏻‍♀️ omg levanter.. shes that gal taking over the world! aww its ok hehe if u have fun then thats all that matters ☺️ how did u get into it?

i used to dance when i was younger but i went through a i’m shy phase n gave it up🚶🏻‍♀️recently i’ve been trying to get back into tho!!! my only source of lessons atm is felix’s dance to😚honestly that’s so valid bc skz titles are always so so so good n leave you with vastly different feelings🥺🤲🏼who knows😭😭😭chan does n says the weirdest stuff sometimes but it’s okay he’s still a cutie🥺right!!! i’m really glad they got a win! they're accomplishing so much n i am so!!! proud😭💞-🎁💫

omg felix nd his dance lessons hes so awkward but endearing bro  is there any dances ur looking forward to learning or currently learning?  i agree skz kings of versatility! i know!! they did so much this yr good job skz ️

i wonder if they’re gonna do more stages n if there’s possible for them to get more wins... i think they’re done right? just fansigns left? hmmm. changbin always gotta play hard to get i guess😤and omg yeah i guess so!!! bc i’ve realized that i listen to mostly jype artists :0 sometimes jype is ya kno... Yeah but i can’t deny that i love most of their groups🏃🏻‍♀️-🎁💫

i think they r done! but im honestly so hazy on their schedule i just take what im given LOL 😭 i love looking at fantakens from their fansigns though i hope they have more! mjdjf mood about jype... but their groups.. pure nd good! not rly relates but did u ticket this past week for skz hehe?

i’d like to file a complaint… 😭😭😭hyunjin is just so powerful, i always think how lucky jinnie stans are bc he just loooooves spoiling stays😚💓ooo i’ve heard of victon but i’ve never watched their variety! there’s so many groups i want to eventually listen n learn about tho and victon is one of em!!! i watched a few eps of that mx variety where they’re with PUPPIES😭i still need to finish it but so far… jooheon can get it and by get it i mean n my heart😞🤲🏼-🎁💫

omg i KNOW hj be like bf vibes always spoiling... omg victon is the CUTEST and theyre always on vlive itll be my mission to get you into them! 😉 omg i havent seen the whole puppy one yet but theyre so pure nd cute! i also recommend mx ray hehe! and hes jooheon must be protected hes the sweetest bab!

oh my goodness please i’ve seen clips of that moment!!!! changbin looks ULTRA teeny tiny i couldn’t believe!!!! so much cuteness in such a tiny body😭💞right!!! i love their friendship so much i just love how attentive they are with each other n how they always play around too hehe, its adorable!!! i will never get over felix whipping out that damn egg, king of comedic timing!!! yes!!! chan n changbin!!💕chan is a mega libra n as a fellow libra i couldnt resist! n changbin is changbin🥺-🎁💫

hes the teeniest i always go back to him on the zipline hes my babyyy 😔❤️ he looks scary but hes. baby.. his muscles r made of love.. mjsjd i KNOW feliz out of nowhere: 🥚 cute.. changbin n chan r a good bias pair! just the sweetest

being a changbin stans can never catch a break bc binnie's whole existence is just utter cuteness most times i can’t handle it, i blame his mega leo energy😭i’m into mostly nintendo n indie games! also its super cheesy but i love chill games like farming games or animal crossing! you too rachel! get plenty of rest n omg i hope you enjoy your vacation!!! being at the beach is the best🥰💞gotta apply buckets of sunscreen then!!! i burn so easily too so i feel your pain😔-🎁💫

omg i KNOW bin is just the epitome of cuteness i never thought id ever stan the aegyo boy 😭 ooh! do u have a fav game? and i hear animal crossing is super fun nd i love chill games so not cheesy at all!! im sure when im back the first thing ill say is damn.. never seen my skin peel like That ⚠️

and no worries!!! please take your time n enjoy your vacation😚💞but goodness you’re so sweet! i’m glad i was able to finish the thing i made for You hehe, i’m excited for you to see!!!🥰💞its been lots of fun chatting!!! even tho i feel so bad for rambling on n on at times😭but i hope this week treats you well rachel n you have the loveliest n bestest holiday!!! -🎁💫

i decided not to bring my laptop this time so i wont be able to finish what i had in mind until january i hope u dont mind! but omg stoP u made me smth 😭 ive enjoyed talking to u sm too thank u for being the sweetest 🥰 i hope u enjoy the week as well and take lots of time to rest!

things i have learned delivering pizza

i’ve been a pizza delivery driver for about a week now and let me tell u it is both a surreal job and also far better than any other fast food job i ever did

-you will either hate rich people or love them. there is no middle ground. they either give you insane fucking tips (i’ve had several tips where it was like 6-10 dollars on like 30 dollar orders) or they will give you absolute garbage (2-3 dollars on an order that ranges from 20-40 dollars).

-you thought you got lost in suburbia before? you knew nothing. sometimes not even your gps can save you.

-i have formed a strange bond with every other pizza delivery person i see on the road. if they’re from my company, i give them a nod and i kinda wanna flash my lights and honk excitedly (SAME PIZZA! SAME PIZZA!). if they’re from a different company, i have to resist the urge to get into a physical fist fight with them.

-this has lead to me mocking other companies in my car loudly. YEAH LETS GO DOMINOS ILL FUCKIN FIGHT U U WANNA GO PAPA JOHNS I’LL KICK UR ASS.

-i have never seen a pizza hut delivery car. i know pizza hut exists here. yet they seem to be a myth. terrifying.

-you will listen to the same pop song over and over. and over. and over. and over. it’s reached a point now where i flip through my presets and have to find the one i hate the least or at least have heard the least, and even then i find myself singing along to the ones i fucking hate to keep my sanity.

-i am so tired of ed sheeran’s shape of you guys.

-sometimes when i grow tired of the constant pop songs, i use the time alone in my car to practice character voices for my d&d campaign. i can only imagine how i look, having conversations with myself, in different voices, as i try to figure them out.

-sometimes people have dogs. it’s the best fucking thing in the world. one time there was this golden retriever sitting on the corner likely held back by an invisible fence thinger, and i drove by and this dog lost its fucking shit to see me. it was so excited to see me. i was like “SHHH DONT TELL MY BOSS” as i sprinted across the street to pet it

-even rarer, sometimes people have cats. that’s always a reason to be excited. most of the time i talk more to the pets than the customer, filling the awkward silence as they sign the receipt with “how are u buddy are u a good friend yes u are im giving ur owner pizza yes i am”

-i don’t know if this endears me to the owners or not, but typically pet owners give solid tips.

-one time i came across an address that had numerous military veteran stickers all over their apartment door proclaiming them to be a vet, etc etc. but they also had an “i love cats” sticker. they were an old man. it was the weirdest combination of facts about a human being i have witnessed.

-another man apparently got cortizone shots to his back. he ordered a large pizza and 4 diet cokes. his door was open. he asked me to come in. i gave him his food as he was on his hands and knees on the ground. i think he was lonely, as he kept talking to me about how big the needle was. he was like “you would have cried”. i said “yes i would have absolutely have a good day” and left. that was the end of our conversation.

-one time a lady got excited that i was a female pizza delivery driver. apparently they don’t get many. this seems to be the case as there’s only one other female pizza delivery driver. she works weekends with me. most of the ladies are counter girls. you’ll take my driver position from me over my cold dead hands.

-one time i accidentally switched the pizzas for a customer. one was a supreme, one had anchovies. the supreme house got anchovies, and they wanted their proper pizza. (anchovy house got the supreme and was startled when i went to their house with the wrong pizza. i was like “sorry about the mistake” they were like “what” i was like “.......you got the wrong pizza right” they were like “oh yeah hahah i didn’t care thanks for the pizza tho”) anchovy house, however, was the one who put in the call. they handed me back the anchovy pizza with disgust written all over their face, they were like “please take it back we don’t want it”. my only other food experience was in fast food where u don’t take back the food u trash it so i tried to argue. they were insistent. i returned to base with an anchovy pizza.

-when asking what do i do with the pizza, my boss was like trash it no one will want it. another driver did not realize it was anchovy, shouted “LET US EAT IT!”. saw it was anchovy. immediately said “nevermind”

-it was left on the top of the oven where the reject food goes.

-someone went to take a slice.

-speaking of reject food, that’s the biggest difference between the fast food place i did and the delivery place. in fast food, they trashed fuckin everything the customer returned. in pizza, the managers were like “fuck it bro have some pizza”. it gives me life.

-we got a call from someone the other day whose only instruction note was “exterminator friend!”

-he introduced himself as raul the exterminator.

-we do deliveries to an adult detention center (it’s just called the jail. that’s just what we call it). the other day we get an order back because one of the guards didn’t get the ketchup they wanted and were very upset. this lead to a following conversation between the driver and i:

me: “so they’ll arrest us for not bringing the ketchup huh”

him: “no, not for that. but when they do end up arresting us they’ll remember us for the ketchup and be nicer”

me: “so ur going to the jail to give them their ketchup”

him: “yup, but im goin home afterwards anyways”

me: “oh so it’s a ketchup drive by”

-he would later have a bag filled with several ketchup packets, ask if it was enough. i was like haha just fill it up all the way with ketchup. the driver was like nah then we’d look like assholes. and THEN when they arrest us they won’t be as nice.

-related to the jail, the second or third shift i did, my manager was like “so have you been to jail yet” i was very confused. i said no. this is when i found out we deliver to the jail, and also people get lost very easily in the jail and the guards tend to want to be ur buddy once they find out ur bringing them their food, but this process can take a very long time because they gotta make sure ur the food guy if they don’t recognize you or something. there is a lot of bureaucracy involved.

-my very very first delivery was a credit card receipt. i had no pen. i was sitting in my car, with no pen, screaming in agony because how was the customer supposed to sign. so i finally go “hello this is my first delivery ever. and i don’t have a pen. do you have a pen.”

-they had a pen.

-they gave me the pen. i was like “no take it”

-they were like “you will need it more than i will”

-i was very touched and used that pen all weekend until i guess i set it down on my desk and it escaped as pens are oft to do

-i still think of this blue pen and this friendly blue pen man. one day i hope to deliver to him again so i can thank him. one day, i will give him a pen.

some misplaced thoughts/attempted half-formed analysis on outlast 2, im not finished with it yet so im still missing half the information here but do NOT tell me about anything that happens later on dont fill in my blanks for me just yet ill find out (or ill reconsider my thoughts at the end if im wrong/if things get left unclear) 

im currently just a bit past the raft adventure, havent quite caught up my liveblogs yet bc transferring switch pics and sorting through them all takes 11 thousand years

this is. very disorganized and so many words, my thoughts are all over the place but i had to get it out somewhere lmao

ok so some key symbols ive noticed:

- obviously hanging/noose imagery

- again obviously, crucifixion/christ 

- water, most likely symbolic baptism 

- both of those last two things together in an overall “christian/catholic symbols but Horribly, Horribly Wrong” 

- the plagues!!!!!! i noticed some reference to this but recently realized i think we’re being forced through ALL of them actually 

so:

- again the hanging imagery is an obvious one, blake is (very poorly) coping with the trauma he experienced as a kid (or high school student. i was under the impression they were middle schoolers for some reason but high school is still a young age to be dealing with something like that) surrounding his friend’s suicide, he clearly feels like he’s somehow responsible for it, possibly only because he didn’t stop it, but it doesn’t seem like he really could have done anything. this trauma is absolutely resurfacing through all he’s going through now and it feels like his past and current pain are starting to converge more and more as time goes on. honestly even if there wasn’t some weird fucked up mystery going on and it was just a symbolic representation of him reliving his trauma id still think its absolutely fascinating and really well done but it seems like there’s definitely More Going On than just that 

this is something im going to make specific notes on when i do a story mode replay, note every time hanging shows up... some ive noticed: occurrences of hanging in the temple gate/”real world” often bizarrely coincide with blake’s salvation, he’s able to get away from the scalled leader by stealing the rope off the corpse of a man who hung himself, there’s a hanged corpse right near where the raft ends up when he crashes it on the river

there’s definitely some “somebody else died so that I could live” going on there, I don’t know if that’s directly related to the incident with jessica or not yet 

and that again ties into the crucifixion, the death of Jesus brings about salvation and life for everyone else (and, while he was not hanged, there’s still “hanging” on a cross, and the cross is often referred to as a “tree”) (it doesn’t seem like jessica hung herself from a tree but the other corpses have been) 

- obvious again, the crucifixion is showing up absolutely everywhere, clear sacrifice/murder for the greater good concepts, im not catholic but i am coming at this from a christian perspective myself, and like. on the one hand it’s taking very important religious imagery and hideously distorting it into “now we got the flayed corpses of cultists stuck everywhere” but on the other I think it’s actually... really important not to forget that the cross was in fact an execution tool, the death of christ was a horrific, bloody, and cruel event that would have been absolutely revolting to witness and unfathomably painful to experience 

and the sanitized, pretty, kid-friendly image of the cross you so commonly see in churches now really disconnects from the reality of it. a mutilated corpse rotting on a splintered, bloody piece of wood is a much more realistic image, for better or worse, than a little neon plastic WWJD toy cross. i dont actually think the crucifix imagery here is sacrilegious at all. obviously the cultists are fucking monsters but im talking about specifically the use of crucifix imagery here. the parallels with the unsettlingly realistic jesus statues (and the fact that they show up both in temple gate and in the high school hallucinations especially) is like. actually pretty solid. i dont want to get into religious debate with anyone so im not gonna get too deep into that but i wanted to mention it 

- there’s also blake as an unwilling “messiah” figure (which. hes literally declared “the skalled christ” so this isn’t exactly subtle lmao) and. i dont know exactly what his religious standing is but we do know he was raised catholic, and like. it was quite an intense and harrowing experience to me, as a christian, watching the skalled crucifixion scene through his perspective, so i cannot even imagine what it would have been like for him to actually be in that position for real experiencing it himself. and we have the. jesus Knowing what was going to happen, dreading and wishing he could escape it, but resigning to it/blake absolutely wanting no fucking part in any of this and literally tearing his hands out of the nails, jesus resurrecting from the grave/blake digging his way out of his “grave” (though he wasnt actually dead), i dont really have any deeper observation to make there i just think its interesting 

- i do not know whats going on with water! something is! i wasnt paying much attention to water before so this is probably another thing ill be watching for/making notes on in my eventual story mode replay but Something Is Very Wrong About That Lake and i keep getting murdered by the Whatever THe Fuck That Thing Is in water, either from falling in the lake/the river or there’s that pool scene in the high school

seems like there’s some kind of... chemicals in the water causing weird shit but i dont know whats going on yet (dont tell me!), so there’s probably something about baptism/entering the water and leaving fundamentally changed somehow but in a Very Wrong sense, but i dont have all the information yet so im just blindly guessing. and we got piles of dead fish in the water very soon before you see piles of human corpses in the water, that as well,

and along that line:

- the plagues!! i cant believe i didnt realize we’re going through the plagues! i had noticed some reference to them but figured it was just more weird religious imagery for the aesthetic or something and didn’t quite realize we’re actually hitting all of them, they’re not necessarily happening in order but they sure are happening: 

water turning to blood: we’re surrounded in blood from the start but this was what really made me start fucking paying attention because where im at right now it is RAINING BLOOD SOME FUCKING HOW 

I have no IDEA how that’s happening in the “real world” unless it’s like. not really blood and some kind of chemical reaction with whatevers going on with the water, or if its some mass hallucination thing, or what (again dont tell me!! i want to find out!! shh!!!!) but, uh, that’s a pretty clear “water into blood” situation there, 

this one also is happening simultaneously with the high school dimension, all the water in the bathroom and the fire sprinklers all became blood, and you get fucking drenched in it, so there’s probably some amount of “baptism of blood” happening there too

plague of flies: i dont remember there being any specific moment where you get overwhelmed by flies but its possible it happened and i forgot, but either way you hear flies buzzing around constantly, it gets in your head, theres flies everywhere because of the gore piles rotting all over everywhere 

disease on livestock: there’s dead rotting cow/horse carcasses absolutely everywhere, so,

plague of boils: the skalled village, may not be Specifically boils but they’re definitely uh. very, very diseased 

plague of locusts: you get attacked by a shit ton of locusts and fall into the ravine, this one’s, uh. pretty blatant 

plague of darkness: you’re stuck in the dark for the entire everything, so

there’s also an instance in the high school dimension where everything goes black and you cannot see anything whatsoever and can’t do anything but follow jessica’s voice and hope to god you don’t run into That Thing Again

the only ones I haven’t seen yet are the plague of frogs, gnats/lice which i completely forgot was even a plague but apparently was (though again this could just be included in with the general “everything is covered in flies and god knows what” happening everywhere), hail/fire storms (though you do get attacked by flaming arrows, so that could count)(that also happens in the skalled village/shortly after you discover the skalled, so that would be in order), and... the death of the firstborn

the exact order of the other plagues isn’t necessarily all that important but that one as the final plague is very important and it definitely feels like they could be building up to that 

so it’s. likely something really, really bad is gonna happen with lynn by the end of all this

(do NOT!! tell me!!! dont!!! do not) 

also a minor thing but i did notice blake at one point goes “these are signs!! this is the apocalypse!!” and, like, maybe that’s just because he’s obviously not in his right mind right now/it wasn’t supposed to be taken that seriously but the plagues on egypt were not signs of the apocalypse, but signs displaying the power of God to the pharoah, a “let the slaves go free Or Else” demonstration, and blake as someone who grew up in catholic school would know this, but that could just be like. a minor writing error or just. biblical accuracy isnt really his first priority right now lmao 

goin through tma transcripts again making some more observations

i think im picking up on another potential thread here i didnt notice before 

- in Growing Dark, natalie becomes obsessed with darkness. the lightbulbs appear to be going out because she’s intentionally unscrewing them, so it doesn’t seem to be the exact same as what was happening around montauk, but there’s a clear connection anyway (and mark bilham says the streetlights and the car headlights and everything all seemed darker than they should be when he went back to confront natalie, as well) jon suspects this but says it’s only a suspicion, and he isn’t sure. not sure why two different names were given (”the peoples church of the divine host” and “the hither green dissenters”) but it could just be two different names for the same group. jon doesn’t seem to know either 

- Why Didn’t Kathy ASK Her What The Food Was and i also cant decide if i really want to know what it was or really DON’T want to know but i dont think it was spinach 

- if it IS the same cult: if they were trying to summon the darkness, or worshipping it, or something, it doesn’t quite fit that montauk himself was apparently trying to keep this darkness away

but then, his killings began after his wife left, and she left the pendant behind when she did, so maybe she left the cult and that’s what made the darkness angry, but. julia doesn’t mention having ever seen her father wearing a pendant like that so it doesn’t seem like he himself was part of the cult before, and if his wife was the one involved/the one who left, why would the darkness be coming for him 

or if she was... protecting him from it and now that she’s gone it’s coming after him why would she have left her pendant behind like that, if “I’m leaving the church” was something personal to her and wasn’t intended as a statement to him

- seems like there may be two rival cults clashing here, could be some kind of Fire/open eyes/Seeing vs Darkness/closed eye/Listening happening. the clown doll in Strange Music also had eyes painted shut, and that was centered on. strange music. and the darkness cult emphasizes losing sight but there’s that discordant singing

this is a theme i didnt pick up on until just now and i dont really want to go back through and search for Sight vs Sound in everything else right now but, hm. seems like there’s been a lot of creatures that don’t want to be Seen, things that resist all attempt to Prove them, things that don’t show their true forms visually. things that don’t show up on cameras even though they were there. things that you can only see properly when you’re not looking directly at it

the strange blonde man sasha encounters says “How would a melody describe itself when asked?” his appearance distorts in reflections and he describes himself as sound 

something something magnus institute trying to cast Light and Understanding and Truth onto things that don’t want to be seen and don’t want to be understood. prentiss says in her statement - “I need it to be seen. To be seen in the cold light of knowledge is anathema to the things that crawl and slither and swarm in the corners and the cracks.”

so prentiss appears to be on the Darkness side/that makes the most sense but sasha notably discovers she can kill the worms with a fire extinguisher, while martin had noticed a partly burned worm that had apparently not been killed by fire before (and. timothy clearly did not escape the worms, regardless of whether he killed some of them or not). after prentiss was found the first time the complex burned down. i cant quite make sense of whats happening there

- there were screams heard in the abandoned chapel on the day gertrude died so something’s definitely going on there. the guy with the dream about her believed something unspeakably horrible was coming for her it doesn’t make sense that she was just shot, and “the unspeakable horror was Betrayal” seems like a cop out to me so i dont think thats it 

- the guy in Burnt Offering was. under the effects of some kind of Burning Curse so that’s. pretty clear, but why were there pictures of gertrude in that clearing. the fuck is happening there 

- I’m still trying to figure out what’s happening with Written Word vs Speech, maybe related to Seeing/Silence too, like. all these statements are written. jon is speaking them and at first i just thought he was really into the storytelling but now I’m starting to worry that the reason he sounds so different when he’s narrating the statements is that they’re. getting into him. somehow. like he’s some kind of a conduit for something. i don’t like that at ALL and i REALLY hope im wrong lmao

anyway then there’s Cheating Death, where nathaniel thorp says that his story is folklore which has never before been written down, so we have... oral tradition being spoken by an illiterate man, copied down in written word for the first time by the magnus institute (not sure if it’s relevant Who transcribed it, jon says it was a research assistant named Fiona Law, who died from what seems to be completely unrelated causes like 30 yeas later, so) and now being recited/spoken again by jon. and there’s probably something to the fact that thorp says it’s a legend/folklore but it turns out to have actually been his statement all along, so im not sure if he was... saying that the stories were about Him, or if the concept of “people who try to gamble with death become something stuck between death and life” was a story he grew up with and then discovered to be Real, or if none of it was folklore in the first place and just talking about it in a detached third person way was the only way he could do it 

prentiss describes the magnus institute as “This place of books and learning, of sight and beholding” and seems not to trust in Words, 

“There is no right word because for all your Institute and ignorance may laud the power of the word, it cannot even stretch to fully capture what I feel in my bones. What possible recourse could there be for me in your books and files and libraries except more useless ink and dying letters? I see now why the hive hates you. You can see it and log it and note it’s every detail but you can never understand it. You rob it of its fear even though your weak words have no right to do so.”

that also speaks to jon’s skepticism, everything “verifiable” about these statements does not make sense to the person’s actual experience, things keep happening that for whatever reason cannot be explained and understood, people who were THERE but theres no record of them existing, cave systems that are heavily mapped and documented but the actual experience of exploring them doesnt follow the documentation at all 

after reading prentiss’ statement jon says “There are weird things out there that are perfectly natural. It’s not, though. I know it’s not natural.” which is... the first time ive noticed him actually looking at something that could be explained rationally (prentiss is a mentally ill woman with a very aggressive currently-unknown-to-science parasite) but instead follows his feeling that theres something more underneath it 

he also. says this after having read the statement and remarks that “something in this statement has got to me a bit” and the... way he read it was very alarming and very..... Not His Voice. it worries me a LOT that something about these statements seems to be getting into him and ESPECIALLY that one