#Five next things before breakfast makes me sooo fed up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

brokenmusicboxwolfe · 4 months

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So much to say, and no energy to write. Just as well. I always ramble on so much it must bore everyone to death, and I don’t want to be killing people.

I’m too tired for anything.

I haven’t sculpted since I ticked off making Mom a Valentine’s gift. I hadn’t felt like sculpting in ages, but I did it on auto pilot. It was my addiction, going literally years of sculpting without missing a single day. And now I suddenly don’t care.

Bad timing, because I just got some replacement tools** for my fave that I broke and I haven’t even used them yet?

Good timing, because I am almost out of sculpey and need to reserve it for making Easter and Mother’s Day gifts for Mom?

I dunno. Doesn’t matter. Don’t care.

Honestly, I can’t even watch a movie or tv show without my attention fracturing into a million pieces. I used to be a “don’t stop until the credits” person and now I take breaks to wander off and do stuff, or it still and research something.

Last night I watched a movie I surprised myself be loving.*** Sign I loved it? Only three fifteen minute or so breaks and not constantly looking away while it was on. And I loved it, so how little attention do I pay to things I don’t find delightful?

I have been to the woods three times this month. Once, racing against the darkness, the other two forced marches. While on one of them I did indulge in 15 minuted lying on the ground cuddled up to my favorite tree by the swamp, I was doing it mostly out of exhaustion. I noticed nothing interesting other than a hawk freaking out the other birds as it flew over head. Yawn.

I haven’t been taking pictures. Usually I recharge my camera every day, and now it’s once a week. Nothing feels like bothering about.

I dunno. What’s the point?

I go through the motions. I take care of the animals. I call Mom and read to her however long she wants. I fix meals**** and do laundry. I work on stuff that needs urgent doing. I am busy, busy, busy.

Busy until my body feels broken. I’d hurt if I were doing stuff I enjoyed, but maybe I wouldn’t feel so worn down by the experience.

There is no end. No progress. No sense of accomplishment. Obviously no acknowledgement for my efforts.

So what’s the reward? What’s the point? My life continues to erode with no hope of any improvement. Work your ass off to dig yourself out and still end up buried alive, just exhausted too.

Don’t worry. I get up everyday because the animals need me and Mom needs my call. The need me so I live.

Honestly though? I’ve gotten so I wake up early from a bad sleep, and then spend an hour or two just lying in bed. Until the day starts I don’t have to think about any of the worries crushing me. I’m cozy and let myself wander in dreams. I wait at long as I dare to break the spell…

Get out of bed and the dreams evaporate. The worries and anxieties climb onto my back. Pain of body. Pain of spirit. The gauntlet must be run so I can pass out in bed (unusually trying to write in my journal) at 2am. Because if I don’t get through the day I can’t wake up in the morning for my hour of pretending my life doesn’t exist.

I wouldn’t mind being tired if there was something to gain from it. I wouldn’t mind suffering now if I thought there would be an end.

You can endure a hell of a lot with hope. I am starting to realize just what a finite resource hope is.

Resignation will do if you can still find some pleasure in the moment, glimpsing clouds in the sky above the well you are drowning in. But what happens when you stop finding those moments?

I swear, people scoffed at my sculpting or carrying around my camera or walking in the woods or just watching so many movies. These were nothings and a waste of time. But you know what? These nothings made me enjoy being alive no matter how grueling most of it was.

I want want to enjoy things like I used to. My brother used to sneer “Simple things for simple people” about me liking things he found stupid or pointless, but you know what? I was always happier for it.

I miss “happy”. Hell, I’d settle for “fine” or “okay” at this point! LOL

**Don’t get excited. They were only $5 for the lot, so probably crap. To replace the one I broke would have cost a lot more, so I figured I’d make do.

*** A Scandal in Paris from the 1940s. A lifelong criminal becomes chief of police in Paris. Witty comedy with a dark side that turns up in the end, like cold water thrown in the face of a dreamer. Don’t worry, our hero still goes back to sleep I expect, just having rolled over to the other side of the law. I have never been keen on Douglas Sirk, but then if I hadn’t seen the credits I wouldn’t have guessed he directed it.

**** Meals for multiple days. To save money I made that bean soup, but jeez, by day 10 of eating it I wanted anything else.

#my day #venting #exhausted #another day another set of problems #I am so sick of problems #can’t I just get one thing done before the next crisis?#It’s all half done in a half assed way to get by while I deal with the next thing #Five next things before breakfast makes me sooo fed up

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