#FHR: Ishvah Bakker | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

alright, here we go.... did anybody want a write-up on my (initial/current/main) Fallen Hero protagonist? because I sure have got one, and an obsessive need to talk about this game!! :’D

they’re actually more intentionally a self-insert than most characters I play, since I didn’t really have any pre-game time in which I was considering what sort of person to play and what their name/background would be. eyyyyyy impulsivity!

anyway, on with it. some facts, as they were, about one Ishvah Bakker, formerly known as Sidestep...

Basics

Probably mixed race of some sort, or otherwise on the liminal edge of (not?) white - other people’s perceptions are crucial, and more defining than they’d like, for as long as they can remember. (Good thing they’re a telepath!)

Nonbinary and genderless and generally salty about it. (Dysphoria makes every other body-related trauma response even more fun!)

Long-ish dark brown hair, which they usually wear down or in a simple ponytail. Better than needing to think about styling it, anyways...

Aromantic bisexual. Full of angst. (Aren’t we all.)

Supervillain codename: Iconoclast

Says fuck! :D

Psych profile

Generally quiet and watchful and cautious - a thinker, a planner, a tactician, at least as far as their comfort zone goes. Curious (sometimes morbidly curious) as all hell, in a “killed the cat” sort of way. Alas, not much satisfaction has been had. More just worry about what it says about them that their curiosity can “override” alleged basic human reactions like “empathy” or “getting freaked out by gore”.

Despite the control-freak tendencies, the more a situation slips away from, or otherwise can’t be planned and controlled, the more they do Impulsive Shit. Reckless, adrenaline-junkie, can’t-sit-still-because-then-the-anxiety-will-know-where-you-live, self-endangering impulsive shit. Anything to get the situation back under their immediate influence, if not control.

Speaking of which, attitudes toward bodies? They’ve got a callous disregard for physical sensations like pain, & the (temporary) structural integrity of bodies, especially once that aren't theirs.

They’re very dissociated from bodies in general really, their own included; thinking of them as tools, and willing to let them get fucked up in the service of "more important" goals.

(Shoutout to when they had to perform surgery on themself! :D Totally not fucked up or anything. Especially that they hated seeing themself naked, especially through “another’s” eyes, more than they hated having to actually do the surgery. Nothing to see here folks, just a normal person.)

When needing to improvise interpersonally, they try to head for whatever reveals the least about who they actually are & what they're capable of - using others' preconceptions and biases to fill in blanks with whatever they're expecting. They’ll use appearing weak, tired, unassuming as a shield, but it... grates. Still, feels less dangerous and attention-grabbing than being confident.

Relatedly, they do hate losing their telepathy - the lack of sensory overload is nice, but that doesn't outweigh how... naked they feel, exposed and cut off and unsure if they can trust what they see. (Only what they see.) It’s easier in their puppet’s body, Alex, since everyone else just sees an obvious young white man and there’s no need to manage those expectations, but even so, a loss of information never feels good. (Objectively useful to learn how to manage without, but not their emotional preference.)

Yeah, even if their puppet body goes around in a binary gender, they still prefer to have a name that’s genderless to their own ears at least. Alex is common and unassuming. (And leaning into the private supervillain grandiosity in-joke with themself as far as other notable Alex(ander)s is.... entertaining. Hush, it doesn’t mean they need a life.)

They tend toward being perpetually un(der) satisfied by accomplishments as soon as they’ve just come out of the oven, as it were - a restless mind always moving onto the next step, the next thing that needs to happen. They didn’t used to be like this, did they? But it’s better like this now, considering all that’s happened.

(Perhaps because of that, perhaps in contrast, their personal apartment is done up in a surprisingly cozy way. Soft carpet and dark encompassing furniture, fabric on the walls, understated lamps and indoor string lights, and only a small window in each room. It’s one of the few things they can find calming, especially when it comes with some coffee.)

(Delicious self-medication with minor stimulants~)

And hey, the coziness is probably also nice because of how disgustingly touch-starved they are. Starved and averse all at once, really, which is just the best. (And uh, also sexually frustrated.... not that they let themselves think about that, hahahaha....... Moving on.)

The lack of sleep involved in maintaining two lives? Is absolutely getting to them, even if they don’t realise it. Sure, they think their body is getting all the rest it needs while they're in Alex's, but their brain is still active in maintaining the telepathic link such that the sleep isn't quite as restful and rejuvenating as it otherwise could be. (Well, assuming they didn’t constantly have nightmares.) Hence some of the increasing emotional instability & inability to hide their feelings when confronted with actual stressful situations.

Background

LA was the first place they ever tried to make a home, really. Or multiple different home iterations. They feel tied to the city, not least because of how the change in the place and its name feels like a macrocosm of what they’ve done switching sides themself.

Because this is a self-insert (and I do what I want, Thor), and to provide some justification for their first name, I’m thinking about their first (failed, aborted) attempt at being A Person (after getting out of whatever X-23 situation is getting teased for their origin story?) and joining any sort of community, being with a local shul. Perhaps after being helped out by people involved in a community service program? There’s a fair bit that resonate(d) with them, or at least felt good - the idea of being wanted and cared for and responsible for each other, of improving the world and doing positive deeds, of having a fucking family... They probably poked some feet into the idea of converting...

But that definitely crashed and burned. Half of it was coming to realise just how much self they’d have to put into the community to become a part of it - and they either had no self to speak of, or couldn’t risk, couldn’t feel comfortable, revealing what bits they did have. Peace was hard to come by. Comfort with uncertainty, with simultaneous opposite-seeming truths, never coalesced, and in fact felt actively threatening - as did the idea of being able to achieve any sort of relational parity with a higher power of some sort. It’s in the name, after all - a higher power is something you’ll never be able to live freely under with respect. So as that all came to a head, all the paranoia and feelings of inadequacy, they just... left. Don’t really think about it much now, don’t like to think about it, because it felt perhaps even more naive than trying to play masked hero, but... the name stuck.

As apparently did the desire to Be Good And Make Things Better, despite themself, because there they were back again with this stupid hero scheme, meeting Julia Ortega and making friends, being naive and trusting and thinking the whole damned system didn’t need to be burned down for anything to change. That other people could help protect you, that being part of a system could help protect you even if you weren’t one of the bastards at the top pulling the strings, helping nobody but themselves and their own power and pocketbooks.

Well, that sure isn’t going to happen again. This time, they’ve learned their fucking lesson.

#rambling #James liveblogs video games #(close enough)#FHR: Ishvah Bakker #I love them they're terrible #(ask me thingggsss bc there's definitely more I haven't covered! but uh this is already getting super long lmao)

7 notes · View notes

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

plotless self-indulgence dialogue fic bit bc I want mooooooooar content~

might probably end up adding some additional stuff / some other scenes / etc. etc. a bit later... this is kinda just trying to get into the voice I want :D

-----

Even with the improvements that have surely been made in how quickly the Rangers can get their injured members up and running again, you’re sure Ortega can’t be fully healed within the bare few days it’s been before she asks you to meet her for coffee.

From her conversation with Alex in the hospital, you’d guess the invite comes from wanting to talk over her worries with someone she trusts - with a best friend, and doesn’t that pull a twinge of emotion that you’d rather not dwell on right now - and the old Ishvah would never have avoided her at a time like that. Wouldn’t have even stayed away this long seeing the reports of how badly she’d been hurt in their fight, if truth be told, but you’ve already started turning over excuses in your head to explain when you see her.

Because you can’t very well not go, and truth be told, you don’t even really want to. You’re still bruised and sore and wincing when you move from spending too long on the couch in one contorted position, but the drunk adrenaline of the museum’s “opening” night has already moved on just like the front page news cycle, and being around an actual friend, even if you have to put on a mask, sounds like a welcome respite from all the weights and calculations churning in your head.

So you slide into the chair across from Ortega with a mug and a pastry - is this the second time in a row she’s been on time at the chosen destination before you? - and put a look of nervous but genuine concern on your face as she meets you with a tired smile.

“I have to admit, there was a brief moment there where I wasn’t sure you were going to show,” she says, sounding light enough despite what you can tell is a forced edge to the cheer. “With how adamant you were about being retired... I hoped you wouldn’t think I was going to try and get your assistance on dealing with this new bastard now too.”

The surprise you respond with to this doesn’t need to be faked; amid all the other pieces you’re juggling right now, the idea that this meeting might have been about bringing you in to work on the threat of, well, you - that’s as far from your expectations as the initial realisation that Ortega actually wanted to you to help Lady Argent had been.

You shake your head. “I just wanted to see that you were okay,” you say, playing up the naive, out-of-the-business friend that should cover, you hope, for how you look her over for signs of what injuries and how much of them might be lingering. “But I didn’t want to bother you since it seemed like you might all have a lot on your plate...”

There’s a pause, and then a slightly wistful, self-effacing twist of her mouth that she half-hides behind a sip of coffee. “Seeing you is never a bother, Ishvah.”

Your stomach twists and you goggle for a split second before busying yourself with your own brimming mug of coffee, brushing off the comment with a casual shrug. “Well then, like you said, I’m not looking to get too comfortable at the Rangers’ base.”

“I suppose these new developments have put me there more often than not lately,” Ortega says with a faint laugh. Does her expression turn guilty for a fraction? Hard to tell.

...almost ironically amusing if she would feel guilty spending time in a place you had no desire to linger in, all because of the threat you’d also created. Now you’ve set your new life off without a hitch, practically basking in the obvious care she’s so willing to express rather than panicking and stepping away doesn’t feel like nearly so much a threat. For the first time in years, the pull you feel for her to touch you doesn’t fill you with an immediate desire to scrape your skin raw.

Hah. Mortum must have really outdone herself with those additions to the suit.

“So, um. Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?” You nudge the conversation back towards more stable ground, tilting your head and getting a sweet bite of raspberry jam from the pastry in your hand.

She sighs. “Well, I’m not really sure where to begin, to tell the truth. I am worried about shaping the team up to fight this Iconoclast person, even if it’s not technically my job to be the leader... The name is just insulting, too. As if this city and all these people haven’t suffered enough destruction. As if we spent all that time and money to have a symbol of hope and a monument to the work we’ve done get torn down before it even opened.”

The sneer escapes onto your face before you can head it off, the sudden surge of anger in your chest slipping through the door. “I don’t see how much hope a mausoleum for a bunch of lies is supposed to give anyone. And when it’s mostly concerned with appeasing the rich and powerful, keeping the status quo all just the same? I’ll pass.” You’re not even sure how she can believe what she’s saying still, how some part of the truth hasn’t managed to leak its way out after all these years. How she can think any of this is about an end goal any more noble than simply control.

But she manages somehow, you can only guess, from how she looks at you funny, almost taken aback. “You would have had an exhibit in there, you know. It didn’t look half-bad; I saw it before all the explosions started. I’d hardly call that a lie, would you?”

God, if only she had any idea. You rub at your eyes. acutely aware of how dangerous this conversation has gotten, with barely a moment’s warning. You still need to keep better control of yourself than this. You need to.

You push your chair out a bit and stand, leaning forward heavily on the table. “Look, I really shouldn’t keep you for so long,” you mumble, avoiding Ortega’s face. She follows you after a few seconds’ hesitation, and joins you on your own farther side of the table.

“Hey, whatever you were feeling before - whatever you were feeling that made you want to quit, that doesn’t mean the good we did back then was a lie, okay?”

She takes your arm, and before you can think to react her own arms are around you again, pulling you in, and -

- you just barely hear the breathless whine that jumps out of your throat as the squeeze gets too tight too quickly against the nastiest bruise on your side, exploding pain into a flinch, and she lets go as fast as she’d hugged you.

“Ishvah?”

“It’s nothing,” you answer reflexively, buying a second or two for the water to recede from your eyes and your brain to scramble for a suitable explanation.

“...I ran into a car yesterday. Not watching where I was going. Or apparently listening to the driver.”

If the look Ortega gives you is horrified, at least it’s not the horror of realising you were the one underneath the Iconoclast suit.

#that time James wrote fic #FHR: Ishvah Bakker

6 notes · View notes

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

it's interesting, most of the art depicting MC's tattoos that I've seen, has a lot of really sleek fine detailing covering a majority of their skin; but for whatever reason, the mental image I have of Ishvah's that I really can't shake is just like... my surgery scars, but bright orange and more of them.

#the former is probably more like what the canonical intention is but eh #I think my brain was probably tapping into this idea of... cutting very deep and invasiveness and unerasability #that made sense w the level of alienation & violation expressed in the part talking about them #can't erase them bc the very skin itself is warped and damaged & you are a Medical Object #(tbc this is not how i think about my or scars in general; it's Ishvah Baggage)#but yeah they're just... not remotely Controlled or Aesthetically Appealing it's just messy aftereffects of wounds #FHR: Ishvah Bakker

4 notes · View notes

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

other fun FHR-related activities: doing a gleeful deep dive through allllllll dat angsty edgy fun times music I’ve not listened to much since high school/early college >:3333

#is Voltaire’s Almost Human the most Obvious (ex-)Sidestep-y song or #FHR: Ishvah Bakker #content is for other people

4 notes · View notes

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

a realisation from poking around in the Retribution demo yesterday -

Ishvah is used to relying heavily on their telepathy as a fighting advantage, but they're also used to doing so in a context where nobody knows they're a telepath. they're fundamentally uncomfortable with using that power too obviously around people who have any reason to expect it - they're not staying hidden enough.

so with Iconoclast on-record (at least in some contexts?) as being a telepath, they've wound up more reluctant to do anything relying on those powers in a straight up fight - essentially hamstringing their effectiveness and a large portion of their combat-capable uniqueness as a villain. for all they were excited about unveiling their new self to the world, being able to operate semi-openly and not having to pretend to be a nobody, it kind of just... never occurred to them that operating that way would be incredibly uncomfortable and go against all their main preferences for how to fight and plan, being sneaky in the shadows and underestimated.

guess we'll see how long it takes them to realise this is an issue and sit down to reevaluate what they can & should do going forward...

(double standard in how they feel about their telepathy vs physical/suit capabilities? maybe. but nobody knows the disintegration touch is due to nanovores, at least. and ofc their telepathy has been tied up in all their issues about needing to hide since the beginning, so really not surprising it feels different.)

#FHR: Ishvah Bakker #ofc part of the issue with being a known telepath is that now the Rangers know Ishvah is alive #and that was never something they'd been planning on for most of the couple years they'd been working on this plan

4 notes · View notes

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

mmm, man, so I’m not sure if this is another aspect of the intentional unreliable narration, or if I’ve projected the wrong interpretation of what the MC was supposed to be like when they were Sidestep, or what, but -

there’s at least a couple lines in the second scene between Alex & Ortega at the dojo that are basically saying, oh, in my puppet guise I’m being confident and teasing and having a bit of false bravado, and/because this is exactly the opposite of what Ishvah is like. except... from several of the choices available in the flashback scenes, I get the impression more, that this description is exactly what Ishvah used to be like (and what they used to be like with Ortega in particular)?

obviously it’s quite opposite how Ishvah is presenting themself on a day to day basis now - but they also state several times that they don’t really remember very well what they used to act like back when they were Sidestep. and that Ortega being around helps them remember how to slip into that persona a bit better than usual. it really doesn’t feel like too far of a stretch to think that their sense of what being charming and enjoyable company and a generally happy person is, especially when hanging out with Ortega, draws quite a bit on instinctive memories of how they themself acted when they were a lot happier and just hanging out with her because they liked her.

so I mean... I’m also inclined to think that even if current!Ishvah and Alex act like pretty different people, Ortega is absolutely picking up on (and attracted to) the similar qualities Alex shares with what she remembers Ishvah being like ten years ago (even if just subconsciously). and Ishvah’s constant refrain of “we’re totally different people, we’re nothing alike, the way I flirt interact with Ortega as Alex is completely distinct from just falling into old habits as myself” is... objectively just Bullshit of the highest degree.

#headcanoning #FHR: Ishvah Bakker #these two are such absolute dramamonsters istg #(I mean... I just finished a playthrough where I did select several of the more dramamonster-y options just to see what would happen)#(so compared to that Ishvah's actual 'canon' is a lot less overtly Absurd)#(but yeah they have a loooot of shit to work through at some point)

2 notes · View notes

paradife-loft · 5 years

Text

hmm, so I’m conflicted about what I want to have as Ishvah’s “canonical” Heartbreak Incident scar...

mostly, the two I’m torn between are “suicidal” and “wants revenge”, because they both have a good amount of character relevance for them.

suicidal is particularly apt as far as Ishvah’s current motivations, worldview, and particular trauma points go - it fits with the extent to which they can be a little too reckless & self-sacrificing; the way they’re desperately impatient and sometimes feel like they’re in a battle against the existence and passage of time. it also works well to heighten how angry and upset they can get about the idea that they shouldn’t exist or should prefer to be someone else - they’ve had their brain hijacked and turned explicitly to desires of self-annihilation before, and they’ll fight tooth and nail against being pushed toward that ever again.

but on the other hand, the method of getting that outcome during the Heartbreak flashback doesn’t work quite as well with their personality? “close self off and just Keep Going” is a portion of Ishvah’s toolkit for dealing with unpleasant situations, sure, but they’re also very curious and prone to sticking their nose in places they shouldn’t, because of how knowledge forms the backbone of their fairly compulsive need to control their environment. there’s something that feels more satisfying about their scar coming from their own need to go “what is this I have to understand it” and then getting in too far over their head.

(plus that’s some tasty extra lore about wtfever those people were up to with a bunch of comatose telepaths??? gated behind the “ooh what’s this *puts finger in socket*” choices, which on a meta level I would like Ishvah to have in the next games....)

but then the problem with going for the revenge scar is that... present!Ishvah isn’t really that driven by or acting in response to ideas about revenge? they would gladly fuck up all sorts of people involved with the Farm or other sketchy human experiment nonsense, but that’s not like, a major priority or something they spend a lot of time thinking about or anything. so I suppose another option would be them having the emptiness/hunger scar instead? but from what I recall of that scene, the most in-character response for Ishvah in the moment is the angry murder you are all going down for this one. (they’ve got moment-to-moment rage problems on occasion, lmao - it’s just not like, a driving long-term motivation for their life plans, or a feeling they get bubbling up from their subconscious without a specific immediate trigger, or whatnot.)

soooo, yeah. choices, choices. >:\c

#FHR: Ishvah Bakker #suicide mention #in other news every time I start thinking about Heartbreak my brain decides it needs to put on a sound track of #that one Big Hero 6 line *baymax voice* we went through the win~dow~~#which is... not tonally appropriate at ALL lmao

2 notes · View notes