The Inner Critic

I am an enneagram type one – which means I have a lovely inner critic constantly reminding me what I could do better.  Some of you may know that voice as Type A, or maybe you’re the first-born child. Either way, the inner critic is a voice familiar to a lot of us.  

My inner critic was kind enough to remind me I have started numerous projects over the years and rarely finished any of them.  I launched a photography business (more than once).  I have boxes of documents I was going to scan and store electronically.  I started to spring and fall clean but didn’t finish either.  Is there a word for cleaning in July?  I started to re-teach myself how to sew, and then put the sewing machine back in the closet.  I have started to re-learn both Spanish and Japanese numerous times. I asked my friend to teach me American Sign Language and gave up after two lessons.  You get the idea.  

This inner voice is not kind when it reminds me I am a failure for not finishing these things.  “My life could be so much better if I would follow through on something” – it says.  “I could be getting out of debt faster if I would just work harder or longer.”  

Then it hit me.  I committed to getting out of debt about 3 years ago. While I still have debts to pay, I have made huge progress and it is a task I am still working hard on, without giving up.  In fact, paying off debt has been the single, largest factor in most of my decisions in the last few years.  I changed many habits in pursuit of getting out of debt as quickly as humanly possible.   I have missed a family wedding, skipped vacations, switched to generic groceries and aggressively couponed.  I even collect refundable cans to help get me earn a few extra bucks.  All of these decisions have something to do with paying down debt as quickly as possible.

Before I started making debt payments, I set the goal of raising a $2000 emergency fund, which I not only completed, but it is earning interest and currently sits at $2250.  Subsequently, in 2 years I have gone from $5300 debt across 2 cards to $740 on 1 card, while reducing my student loans by $600.

So, no, I did not finish organizing my closet.  No, I have not traded in my old laptop.  Those documents are still in boxes, and I have not finished spring cleaning.  My Christmas lights are still on my porch, in true redneck fashion.  

HOWEVER- I have made huge strides in getting out of debt.  For this I must remember to be grateful.  I must remember to celebrate the small milestones along with the big ones. I must remember that my ego voice, especially the inner critic, does not always get the final say.  As Elizabeth Gilbert would say, the critic is no longer a driver and does not even get control of the radio.  My inner critic can just be a passenger and enjoy the ride.

I have learned to forgive the inner critic, for well, being critical, and in doing so, forgiven myself for making mistakes or doing things slowly.  I have even allowed myself to have rest days and the occasional tub of ice cream.  I have certainly earned it.  

So, my friends, take a listen inside.  Hear your inner critic, but lovingly tell him to hop in the back seat.  God has a plan for your life, and it is far bigger than anything your inner critic could ever imagine.