jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

When I was recording New Divide earlier on the smule karaoke app, my mom came in with a bowl of pineapple and she made me some tea. She said she came in and wanted to give me something for my throat cuz she felt bad that I didn’t have a water bottle with me. But when I saw her eyes, it was the look of parental concern & her eyes looked kind of misty too.So I dunno if she was lying and came to check up on me because I probably sounded like I was in pain, which I am. I’m using singing as an emotional outlet so I don’t do something dumb. I just took some anxiety medicine too so I can feel reassured.

I dunno how loud I was singing, I honestly can’t feel anything right now tbh, I’m in a somewhat frozen state I get when my brain shuts down a little.

 But something I discovered thanks to joining YouTube Idol it’s that one strength I have as a singer is emotional delivery, I may not have been the most technical vocalist, but the reason I won over the others was because I made the judges feel something. Ceonn told me its the one thing he wishes he could master, and I look up to Ceonn, he’s one of the most talented friends I have, I grew to accept that strength of mine but I’m also digging deep to understand why I CAN deliver strong emotional deliveries. And this whole Chester news happened, I feel like Chester’s entire career was talking about the feelings that maybe a lot of us want to express but are too afraid to, or just don’t wanna show in public to “save face” or something like that. But the thing is, honestly we don’t take this stuff seriously enough. That man clearly was pouring out his own soul into the music. And THAT’S why his music resonated with people, because there are so many people including myself who can relate to the lyrics and the vocals that are soul shaking. Chester went through all these dark feelings, and anytime he saw a fan or friend struggling with it, he would talk to them till they felt better. And that’s something I try to do as well whenever I see anyone feeling remotely sad, I don’t want ANYONE to feel this horrible thing, I try to cheer up people when I can. I’ve been looking up vids all day to remember Chester and I feel SO bad such a kind, humble artist like that was feeling the way he did. I wish I had tweeted to him thanking him for being a big influence on me. I feel guilty for not speaking up and letting him know. But I can’t do anything now.

I’ve been growing more and more depressed/suicidal as the years go by. It kinda gets worse as each day passes & anytime something like this happens to a person I look up to, it makes me revert back to square one after so many months of progress. I don’t speak up but there are days when I still remember deaths of people I cared about like...just randomly outta nowhere. And it makes me feel numb inside or like an impending doom kinda feeling. I recently went to go see a family friend with my mom & sis so I can have medication (organic though cuz I hate chemical stuff) to help my metabolic imbalances cuz I apparently have some. I swore I would never do that because ( in all honesty I didn’t wanna become dependent on medicine to feel better. And half of me honestly doesn’t care anymore what happens to me, I am convinced it wouldn’t make a huge difference if I just evaporate or something. I dunno, I’m jut goin through the motions at this point). It takes a LOT of energy for me to feel genuine emotions anymore. But honestly things that make me happy is music, well-written shows/acting, abridging & drawing. My creative outlets are what keep me alive & help me HAVE a will to live nowadays.

But like...Linkin Park was probably one of the first rock bands I ever listened to, and it was that band that me and my friends would bond over a lot. I texted Crystal today and she was just as devastated as I was, I am gonna go see her next week. Because I can tell we just need to be in each other’s company, to watch each other’s back... she admitted she’s been feeling down too. I proly told a few people but you know how some people feel better after listening to soft, relaxing music? Well...for me screamo, metal, and hard rock (as aggressive and loud as it may sound) is what I find makes ME feel better, it’s like a catharsis of emotion. I remember in middle school I kinda started to see the harsh reality of the world. And then, I found myself starting to develop a love for rock music. I didn’t know why I wanted to wear black & enjoyed that whole rock scene (most hispanic people back then that I knew always made me feel bad for not liking hispanic music/customs enough, I dunno? So I felt like an outcast growing up?) But I remember my older sibling said “if you turn emo or dress in those fashions that they’d become a problem student”. And I of course didn’t want that, so I hid my inner musical tastes from them, but I hate the feeling of being restricted. I enjoy freedom of expression through music & art and fashion. But I wasn’t allowed to do that, I had to be prim and proper and act like a lady (I hadn’t yet realized I was genderfluid/ demisexual so that’s another reason why I probably felt socially awkward) . I CAN do that now, but I know I am still silently judged about it. When I sing or record sometimes, I go to apologize afterwards (if I wasn’t home alone. I usually TRY to record when I’m home alone so I don’t have to hold back & be more loose) because that’s just how I grew up. Being self conscious all the time and apologetic of who I feel I really am on the inside. And sure, whatever people keep constantly making fun of this stereotype about “emo kids” and the way the dress or sing or things they like. But honestly we shouldn’t do that.

I think that we need to tell people that it’s ok to express themselves however they want. And IF they like something that seems “unconventional” for their race/gender/other dumb labels, that they don’t gotta be shunned for it. Let people just be themselves man. And if we just give people more love and understanding, they will grow up with healthier self esteems.But yeah. I just, I’m probably just really groggy from crying, singing till my throat stings & just having these heavy emotions all day. I am sending everyone who needs a hug a HUGE hug. And I honestly want you to have a good/day/week/year. You are important and lovely and I care if you’re happy. I’m sorry for rambling tonight But I needed to just vent a bit.