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#And I have a very healthy relationship w the popular Palestinian journalists so she’s not my blorbo or anything
stuckinapril
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2 months
Text
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#I’m only very rarely inclined to get this intimate w my thoughts so I might as well say it NOW butttt I will never not see the dead children
#In everything I do
#Like legit
#I’ve read up on Hind so extensively and seen so many photos of her
#And I have a very healthy relationship w the popular Palestinian journalists so she’s not my blorbo or anything
#But hearing that memo destroyed me bc bisan is only 23 and she seemed so vivacious
#Idk like I do normal people things I can’t just pause on my life
#But idk how it feels like to sit at a boba place and enjoy my pearl milk tea w my friends
#While the horrors over there don’t just lurk the back of my mind. I do normal things and I’m guilty for having the luxury
#And as an Iraqi girl I’m living in the literal ideal timeline
#Where my mom decided to immigrate to the us and that’s why I’m here living a normal life like everyone else
#It’s like in a different world if I were born in a different time it could’ve so easily been me. I’m one of the Lucky Ones idk
#It’s not survivor’s guilt bc it’s not like I had to survive anything like I never had the chance to live in Iraq or anything
#But like. If some things had fallen just a little differently
#And I keep thinking about how I’d feel if it were happening to Iraq and people behaved the way they’re doing to Palestinians
#I’d be so mad
#And some people on here are dealing w assholes while bursting at the seams w grief
#For losing their loved ones
#This is why I’m so fucking angry at anyone who’s complicit
#This was a major tangent but basically I feel weird about doing normal things now while simultaneously knowing I can’t just sit and wallow
#And watch life pass by as if it’ll do anything
#Misery is not a home but I’m struggling to be 100% normal
#And I think that this tonal dissonance is reflecting on my blog too bc I can’t go back to just
#Posting about all the other normal things I used to. Like I want to but sometimes I feel off.
#Is this anything. I haven’t slept all night
#I can’t just allow myself to lose interest in everything I used to like and be and just fade away but maybe it’s about accepting that this
#Will also always be a part of me now. It’s that awareness that shadows everything I do
#or maybe I need a therapist it’s a toss up
#I’ll probably feel better once I get my day started but this was cathartic to voice I think
#p
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