ohyeah finished pokemon scarlet btw. uhhhh

Gormless Ch. 9 -  Maccon’s into violence, hypocrisy, raceplay, but worst of all progressive politics.

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  They are at her husband’s old pack castle about it.  Are they hiding something?????

Chapter 9 – Maccon’s into violence, hypocrisy, raceplay, but worst of all progressive politics.

So off to dinner we go!  They talk about what a FRIGHTFUL sight it was that Alexia didn’t style and unfrizz her hair before going down to dinner with such dramatic terms that make me wanna gag. But I went from that to barfing myself inside out when I read the following line about Alexia’s frizzy hair:

“Lord Maccon adored it.  He thought she looked like some exotic gypsy and wondered if she might be amendable to donning gold earrings and dancing topless about their room in a loose red skirt…”

GOD DAMN AUTHOR!  We went from some poor choices but plausible deniability to straight up…

Like a lot of my racism complaints are subjective and nit-picky I will give you that.  But the author done goofed good and fucking proper with that line jesus fucking Christ.

GY*SIES IS A SLUR, AND ROMANI WOMEN ARE NOT ~EXOTIC~ SEXUAL OBJECTS! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOURSELF!

I could fume about that fucking egregious shit the rest of the day but let’s try to distract myself with the parts of this story that aren’t openly racist.

At dinner, LeFoux is talking to some nerd about nerd shit.  Ivy is trying to talk about fish to some dude even though both of them don’t know anything about fish.  There’s a bit of drama when Lady Kingair (aka Sidheag) allows Maccon to sit in the Alpha seat, which TO BE FAIR is kinda bullshit, but the drama dissipates with a harmless distraction.  There is a brief interaction between Alexia and Maccon on the subject of the Tunstell/Ivy drama.  Maccon says they’re a bad match and Alexia agrees DESPITE THE FACT SHE LEGIT TRIED TO HOOK UP THE TWO AT THE END OF THE LAST BOOK BUT THAT’S FINE! Maccon ends the conversation about this slipshod ship-fest by sighing out a perplexed…

“Women”

Maccon you’re literally agreeing with a woman right now!  Boy howdy am I getting increasingly sick of how Maccon uses that word. If a male partner of mine used that word (woman) the way Maccon uses it (as this bullshit signifier that #yesallwomen are so hard to understand and difficult to deal with) I would uppercut him in the fucking taint.

CAN YOU BE ANGRY ABOUT THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF THE STORY FAPS INSTEAD OF THESE THROW-AWAY LINES THAT YOU’RE OVERANALYZING!

BLATANT RACISM AND SEXISM AREN’T THROW-AWAY LINES, BUT YOU BET YOUR ASS I CAN BE MAD AT MORE STUFF! I AM ALWAYS HUNKERING TO ANGRY IT UP!

There’s a point where they call Alexia curse-breaker multiple times (cause she’s a soulless that can negate the powers of the supernatural.)  Ivy and Felicity have no idea what that means and don’t know Alexia is a soulless but nobody bothers to inform them.  I don’t know if this is going to be a conflict at some point or not.

Alexia then has to ~make a fuss~ by asking them about the humanization problem. They act like she is breaking some taboo, but honestly I don’t understand why.  They’re having a problem; it’s her and Maccon’s job to solve the problem, so they should ask about it so they can solve it right? Also these Scottish folks seem much more down to earth and don’t subscribe to the stuffy social mores of British society. So it’s dumb that they act as if Alexia is rudely asking why cousin Larry has two weeping pussies where his ears should be, while jabbing at them with a pencil, and making sexist jokes about it.

But she doesn’t ask questions that are going to be useful until a few pages into this conversation which means just in time for the author to avoid it with a distraction.  I have a feeling the author is going to do the same thing in this book that she did last book.  Started with a mystery, dances around it for the vast majority of the book without adding much to it, and just ¾ the way in the book SUDDENLY SHIT HITS THE FAN ALL AT ONCE AND IT’S REAL DUMB!

So it’s now after dinner and the men and women are separated to chit-chat. Alexia starts quizzing Lady Kingair. Lady Kingair says she wishes she could be a full blooded werewolf.  The only werewolf within a zillion miles who is powerful enough to turn someone into a werewolf is Lord Maccon, cause of course it is.    But Maccon doesn’t want to try to turn her because she’s his last heir and women very rarely survive the transformation.  

Which like, there’s no reason so far why the werewolf club has to be vast majority male.  No ALL MEN orgies, and no SINCE YOU’RE THE ONLY GIRL WE’VE SEEN IN 80 YEARS ALL OUR ERECTIONS POINT TO YOU FEMALE PROTAG!  Perhaps there is some plot point later on.  But honestly? I suspect it comes down to the bias that simply werewolfism is considered a male phenomenon. You can read all sorts of analyses of this but basically it comes down to that men are supposed to have a violent, animalistic nature that they try to suppress.  But women aren’t supposed to be angry, powerful, uncontrollable, or like worst of all HAIRY!  So I don’t want them even as no-name background characters yuck!

Also, oddly enough, last book they said that werewolves sought out actors, and arty types cause they seemed more likely to survive the transformation. Creativity is tied to ~extra soul~ or whatever.  So I want to know why all these werewolves are dim-witted, gruff, military philistines instead of sweet, sensitive, arty twinks, smooching each other?  Is it cause her type is gruff meathead and like an idiot she outright contradicted her own story for no particular reason?

SEEMS SO! GOD I WANT A CASTLE FULL OF HAIRY BESTIAL WOMEN AND/OR CUTE SENSITIVE TWINKS! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Nothing else really comes out of the conversation with Lady Sidhaeg Kingair and thankfully we’re saved from that conversation by the sounds of the men folk fighting.

Maccon is fighting with the current beta.  Maccon wins, cause of course he does.  They both grumble bitterly at each other for BETRAYAL and nothing is revealed. Like I am glad there was action, but this was so limp and tepid.  It could have easily been dramatic and they should have revealed something, especially considering they dump the whole story at the end of this chapter.

So Alexia takes him upstairs for fade to black SEX, cause of course she does. Like I won’t kink-shame much, but getting all hot that your husband beat up another dude who is clearly weaker than him for no real reason is bogus yo. A thousand kink-shames upon you.

Afterwards Maccon FINALLY fucking explains something.  He says the reason why he left the Kingair pack is because everybody in the pack was planning to kill the queen of England and didn’t tell him about it.  They’re Scottish and Supernaturals and APPARENTLY the crown hates both of those things.  She appoints Scottish and Supernatural people to the highest places on her court and we have not seen any oppression but just trust us okay.  They kept it from Maccon, because Maccon is a ~progressive~ and thought killing the queen would be a bad idea.  He believes this because the Queen is giving Supernaturals more rights and that if they kill her that it would make Supernaturals look real bad and innocent Supernaturals would be targeted.

That’s a reasonable fear, and honestly since we’re supposed to be on Maccon’s side she doesn’t really try to explain the other side.  Like was it supposed to be a military Coup so that werewolves would be in charge of Britain, since the military is made up of werewolves? Cause that’s honestly pretty fucking interesting.  I know the author says there are a lot more humans than werewolves…but I don’t know why they would fear much of a backlash if they all have superpowers, lots of the money, and are the ENTIRE military.  The fucking Spartans quelled every slave uprising even though slaves vastly outnumbered their military cause their military was trained as hell. Those masc 4 macs thug bros weren’t even able to turn their faces into dog faces.

Also Maccon’s feelings were really hurt when they were going to kill the queen with poison.

“Poison is for bitches amirite?” Maccon laughs misogynistically.  Alexia chuckled in kind and sprinkled something in Maccon’s 5th glass of Scotch.  As he dies in agony Alexia licks her fingertips in triumph. Oops they still had poison on them and she dies.  LeFoux travels to reality and she has the good sex with me. The End!

Okay that exchange didn’t happen, I just wish it did.

So anyway due to the ~betrayal~ Maccon left his pack and it really fucked his pack a big one because nobody was powerful enough to turn other people into werewolves so their pack couldn’t grow and outsiders were disinterested in serving them.  (BTW humans who serve werewolf packs in exchange for being turned into werewolves are called Clavigers in this book.) But this was their punishment for betraying him.  Not punishment for the high treason of attempting to murder a queen and thus throwing the entire country into violent chaos which could have resulted in millions of deaths. The focus for the punishment is highlighted as Maccon’s feelings were hurt.

I have a million questions about this situation but I can forgive the author for not going into more detail. This is a fluff story and doesn’t need to be bogged down with politics.  I can’t help but be  frustrated because the author doesn’t give anything of substance, so when something mildly interesting happens I want to latch onto it but it’s just plywood stuck to a cliff with bubblegum, it ain’t gonna hold my weight.

Thus I plummet back into the pit of frivolousness, hoping futilely there maybe something enjoyable I can grab in order to save my sanity from this stack of bullshit.

PS – I’m way into the fact that the thing they did reveal is not relevant to the actual conflict at the center of this book.

LOVE THAT!

PPS – The fight should have had the Beta forcefully removed from the fight. That he thrashes against another werewolf about how ineffectual Maccon is.  That he has all sorts of strength, power, and money but he’s just a complacent lapdog.  Since he has been dubbed ‘one of the good ones’ he’ll let the less fortunate ones of his race rot while he nibbles pheasant in his castle.  Maccon fires back how hypocritical it is to say you want what’s best for werewolves/Scottish folks while picking fights and putting the less fortunate on the line.  That he’s proving to the kingdom that werewolves are valuable by being a good example and working within the power structure to help his own kind. Afterwards Maccon goes back to his room physically and emotionally exhausted, and cuddles with his wife while he explains the backstory. He cries over his guilt of hurting his pack, and wonders if what he is doing is the right thing.

Problem with that is it doesn’t make the conflict easy to understand and cut and dry.  It also makes Maccon emotionally vulnerable…which like I’M INTO but seems as if it’s not the author or this set of reader’s fetish.

Say something nice Faps:

After pulling teeth for a book and a half we learn something about Maccon.  And it’s actually potentially interesting.

Ivy’s back and forth about her lack of knowledge about fish was genuinely cute and funny.

Aight now its your turn. For fucks sake.

Sorry in advance.

I'll give my self a likely undeserved pat on the back. All the times we fought and the millions of words I've written I never said anything nasty to you or about you. I've never called you disgusting things or shamed your looks or your brain or things you can't change, never degraded you. Go ahead and call me an abuser then think back at all the horrible things your exes and friends and family have said to you, all the threats, all the tricks and insults, making you feel unwanted and bad about yourself. I never did that. I have never not loved you. Never do I truly talk about all the weird and crazy shit you did and all your mistakes. I just talk about the things you did that hurt and betrayed me. Things I knew you could change.. even then I was wrong about 80% or so of that stuff, it was just illusions and misunderstandings. But that's not what thisnis about. You just upset the fuck out of me.

Not worth much but I wanted to point it out before I started. I really don't even know where to start this or what to say.

If I go back to the beginning you might think that's the time where you acted your worse, and it's not. You really didn't hurt me for a long ass time. You were a little crazy and you were a little difficult. That's it. I never gave a shit. You were always loving.

But I guess that is a point to make. I feel so defined by everyone by my bad qualities and my mental illness and outbursts. Bro, you were fucking nuts. We just weren't nuts at the same time and then I get all the fucking blame, I'm the bad one, I'm the weird one. I feel like I'm someone capable of understanding and withstanding a lot and even then I was barely able to navigate your level of psychosis. Your emotions were entirely unhinged and impossible to understand. Every single fucking day was panic attacks, massive mood swings. Just out of fucking nowhere you would either be crying or screaming. Oh I'm so bad I'm so violent huh. Every fucking word you said to me at times was an emotional manipulation leading up to some huge tantrum. You were throwing shit all over the place, breaking shit, cutting yourself.

Any small typical boyfriend girlfriend argument and you would lose your shit. Jesus christ, I put so much effort into it. I put so much effort into calming you done, resolving the problem, convincing you were on my side. But everything I said, if I had a mild problem, if we had a minor spat, and most of all if I refused some demand of yours, you were either screaming or crying, and then you would lock yourself in the bathroom. See, you did the same shit I know I did. You imposed your tantrum upon me. It's like getting attack by a swarm of hornets. But you would go lock yourself in the bathroom and for a moment it was a relief. But then no, I knew you were in there cutting yourself or might kill yourself, and thus I was lured into the second phase of your psychosis, and it would go on for more hours.

Do you not remember this shit? How many times did you storm off and sleep on the couch over nothing? Over not getting your way or me telling you to stop watching videos so I can go to sleep SO I CAN GO TO WORK. How many times did you lock yourself in the bathroom. You can probably remember locking yourself in there a lot because I was yelling at you. That's not how it started. It started as a part of the psychotic nightmare you unleashed in that house when you moved in.

I lived with and tried to help your mental illness for months before me and our life fell apart. I never even fucking write about this. This is the first time I've ever truly written about how fucking crazy you were. I've never told anyone about it. Don't you see how much I love you? Don't you see that I define you by something other than what you and others define you by? Don't you see the blame I've unduly burdened myself with?

We fell in love and wanted to be together, you begged me and begged me to save you from that town, we promised each other how we are gonna be the people that finally treat each other right. And from fucking day ONE you started going back on those promises. You started acting like I had ruined your life by bringing you to live with me. Once your situation changed, you started saying the opposite of what you had said before.

You made me live in this air of dissatisfaction. From day fuckin one dude. This whole story, from the day we met, to the day I write this shit, is me doing everything I can to make you happy. But every problem I solved, you made me feel like shit about it. I brought you to my house and you started being nuts. You wanted to get a house with me and get out of that town. Then a week later you're homesick and so depressed you won't even get out of bed. You told me you wanted to be with me and then every day acted like I had ruined your life. You told me you would trust me and we made pinkie promises and then every day you acted like you didn't trust me or believe my words.

I can't describe how this made me feel. We had fell so hard in love and set out on this journey together. And then for the first 6 months of living together, every day was me living inside of your nightmare. Your emotions just flying all over the fucking place, you were making me feel like I was fucking torturing you. We met up every weekend for months and had fun and you were my girl and I was doing everything for you. Then you moved in with me and cried every fucking day. Every time I tried to cheer you up you just rejected it. Every time I tried to hang out with you, you started a fight.

Your dissatisfaction was Neverending. So ridiculous too. Like you had been sitting in your room all week waiting for me on the weekends, now, you're gonna be sitting in a house where you can do anything, in a town full of stuff to do, and me giving you money if you ask to go do something, except you're just gonna cry every day. Every day im at work working as fast as I can and here comes that text message. Oh what is it today? You're gonna kill yourself? You're gonna cut yourself? You're lonely and I need to come home faster. So every day I work as fast as possible and speed home in my death trap car. Not fast enough. So I start working even harder and taking the toll road so I can go 100mph on the way home after doing a 9 hour day in 7 hours. Not fast enough, and now you have to fuck with me about the tolls every day.

There was a very clear goal as to why you moved in with me.

1. You wanted to get out of that town, you were also bored and being abused in your home

OK so I got us a house. But it's not enough. You don't like it. And you miss your family. You're unhappy and depressed and crying all day.

2. So you could see me in the mornings and evenings, and random days off,, during the week instead of just weekends.

OK so now you hate that I go to work, you fuck with me and start fights with me literally every day while I'm at work, you think I'm at work too long, you threaten to kill yourself if I don't come home, I'm working my ass off to get us ahead while you constantly text me about how I'm not doing enough and how unhappy you are, then I come home tired and you've sat on your ass all day with a car with a full tank of gas and $20-$60 dollars if you asked and I had it, but now I'm home so it's my responsibility to make your day into something, you expected every single day to be like the weekends except I have to fucking work, you refuse to let me be tired and you shame and be mad at me from being tired from work, and I come home to either you crying and catatonic or you jumping down my back about everything I did wrong and all the ways I'm making you unhappy

3. We were spending $400 a weekend to either camp or get a hotel room. That was all the money I had, and you had no money. So we figured why not spend $1000 a month to have a place for ourselves with privacy, and spend the other money on cool stuff or save for our dream

Fucking day one the money was not enough. Our struggle with poverty but also your constant abuse about money started at day one. I was expected to go to work, except you hated when I went to work and fucked with me all day, and then I was supposed to come back with all the money in the world to give you and buy you everything you ever asked for. We signed a 1 year lease and 2 months in you were asking me when I'm buying you a better house.

It disgusts me how you treated my money and things. Every single thing I got for you, the novelty wore off in like a week and it wasn't good enough and you wanted something else. I get that you didn't have money of your own, and while we were truly poor I did withold money from you. I mean there was no point in pretending that money would go to any type of better future so I could've given you more of it. But fuck man. You directly tied your love and happiness to my money. Or, you held me hostage. If I didn't want to put up with a mental breakdown, I had better say yes to anything you ask. It felt like for weeks at a time the only words you spoke to me were for me to buy you something. Of course I said no and started getting mad at every question. You made me feel like all I was was a thing getter. We never talked about Bigfoot, or aliens, or ponies, or anime, or any cool stuff, all I ever heard was all these things you wanted or needed.

I regret what Im about to say because I already doubt that you have the balls to not take it the wrong way.

You bullshitted me about your craziness. You absolutely did not hide your LEVEL of craziness. But you bullshitted me and lured me in. You entrapped me.

See when we first met you straight up told me what your deal was. You also did multiple weird, dramatic, mentally ill things. You had your panic attacks, and self harm. I could see in how you acted how you had been hurt.

But that's not all what it was either. You had all kinds of crazy. But at first, you made it seem like you were just this poor innocent girl. These bad things just keep happening to you for no reason. You needed someone to rescue you. All you were missing was just some love and someone you could trust. You're just this innocent poor little wounded thing.

Whatever part of that may be true is true. But you advertised that. You created a narrative, you put yourself on display.

Then you moved in with me. It wasn't just this girl that was messed up and needed help now. No, I was the TARGET of your mentally ill behavior.

You pretended to be weak and helpless and in need of help. You were super crazy but never directed it at me and never had any form of attack or evilness behind it.

Then, when I was in the trap, when I couldn't just block your number and stop driving out there, you spun it around. Now, you're just toxic, destructive, and hurtful. You have these episodes, but they are all my fault now. You have that same sadness, but now it's all about things I did, things I have no control over, or things you want to guilt me into doing.

I know your soul. I speak with a clear head. I know that you were really really sick and mixed up inside. I know what it's like. But I'm also not fucking stupid, and I'm not blinded anymore. I saw those horrible thoughts and illness and feelings scoop you up so many times. I also saw so many times when there was a clear goal in the way you were acting. Far too often those behaviors were very fucking coincidental, very beneficial too you, very conveniently timed.

You are a snake and a liar. That is just a fact. I don't really think I can go as far to say which, if any of all, things you faked. A lot of it was done out of toxicity that I can't really explain the origins of. A lot of it was done for attention. A lot of it was for manipulation.

So look, I'm not accusing you of shit here, let me let up on you briefly. We both did both of these things. We both have both inside of us. There's that unconscious mental illness, those actual disorders and broken things and fucked up feelings and miswired things inside of us. Then there is that conscious mental illness, things we do intentionally, but they were sprung from disordered thinking. So that's why you did this shit. Most of it. I don't say this as set in stone but I think you did some of this just fully intentionally, fully to get a reaction or to manipulate, fully to serve your own needs, honestly just straight up faking them.

You are powerful. But you apparently thought a little lowly of me. That's the one card I never showed. From the day we met, I saw your bullshit. For the whole relationship, I saw all the times you lied to me. It is, to some degree, idk 70%-90%, disordered thinking from mental illness, and the exact way that abuse victims navigate life and try to control their situation. So it's not like your some evil asshole. If I could have convinced myself of that I wouldn't be writing this. I guess there's a possibility you didn't even know what you were doing, but I'm telling you no lies.

But I saw it all, fucker. And I loved you anyway. You were so used to the way you could manipulate people with your mental illness and your behavior, you were so casual to let a lie cross your lips, you've had so many people in your life wrapped around your finger and held hostage by your special needs and manipulated by the shit you do. I know I stood up to it a lot, but you never stopped doing it, so you must've really thought I wasn't seeing it. I saw it the whole fucking time. I knew every time you were just doing it for attention, or were exaggerating it to serve yourself. And I saw through every lie you told me. I saw through your character. You portay this character of this innocent naive girl, who does it all on accident, who doesn't know any better and can't control it. I saw the real you. Believe me and chew on that for a while. And everytime I saw hints of exaggeration or manipulation, I treated you no different. I gave you the benefit of the doubt even the times I knew you were lying.

You lied to me a lot. I guess I'll just pause here for a minute to say that. I know of a few lies that might have been pretty big, but I can't prove them. But the small lies? The fake stories? I saw them all. You were just used to other people, and a good liar, and you had no idea. I really make myself lesser in all my writing, but don't let it fool you. While I have been humbled, I truly am a beast in a mans world. I literally can't fucking remember far back enough to a time when someone easily lied to me or fooled me. Tricked me maybe, but lied? No. It is one of my skills, and it's a skill I've honed for years. Every day I see people lie to my face. I can't just call out every lie, this is how the world works. But I am unshakable in this, this is not an opinion I have of myself, this is a provable fact. I just laugh it off these days, but I see all the ways people lie, and if it is someone I interact with frequently, I begin to see through their ego and facade and see what they are really hiding. I've lost a lot of myself, and I was crazy for a time there, but I've never lost this, it is instinctual and automatic. As you read on, or read anythingI write, no matter what reality I present, don't waste your time by not accepting this. I always know what's really going on, I'm not easily tricked, and I see every lie, I see through every act.

You manipulated the fuck out of me though, and I let you. You are the most alone person on this world. Half of it is selfishness, and half of it is fear from all the people that have hurt you. It was a constant battle trying to convince you that I'm on the same side as you and you didn't have to play this game with me, for once in your life. So you "manipulated" me, but I was right there for you no matter what.

But that's what it was, manipulation. Manipulation so I would stay with you, do what you want, give you attention. You did it countless times. You also hid your true self and true motives from me, and presented me with a lie.

As far as you being crazy in the beginning, I've talked far too much about it already in this post. As far as your devious bullshit, I'm only starting. But I was trying to make a point. This ain't no God damn story where some perfect pupina was captured by some crazy psycho and abused. We were both nuts. You were nuts as FUCK when you moved in with me. You were acting so fucking wild, such massive swings, delusional behavior, hallucinations, conspiracy theories, being violent and destructive, all kinds of shit. It ain't no story about crazy me.

But I did wanna say how it made me feel. Life wasn't great, but this was before the progress stopped, so it was going bad yet. I had my problems, but I wasn't crazy yet. I was so gentle with you. I was sweet and comforting and tried to understand. I always tried to break through to you and help you. I was firm with you when I needed to be, when you were doing something straight up unacceptable, and I didn't freak out, I was firm. I was trying to help you. Some of these incidents were indeed 2 sided fights and shit. It hurt me man I got upset too. You're not the only person in the world allowed to be upset.

I always dropped what I was doing to be involved in your craziness. Every time you messaged me at work I played into it, either playing into it, fighting it, or trying to fix it. Every time you had some big dramatic episode I was right there inside of it. Every time you had some huge breakdown I was there comforting and helping you work it out and then cheer you up after it.

And it just didn't work. You just kept doing it. It made me feel horrible. I kept it to myself. I can't let your mental problems be about me. It was making me feel like I was not good enough, like I was gonna lose you, I wasn't doing enough. You were always sad about being away from home and I felt like that was my fault. It wasn't all manipulation. Sometimes you were just unhappy and sad and it made me feel so bad. I felt like I was doing everything I could but it wasn't enough. I was being as gentle and open more than I have ever been and you just keep being crazy and it made me feel horrible and felt like I was trapped with this person I loved so much but she won't let me help her and I'm doing everything I can as hard as I can and it wasn't enough.

It was mostly the medicine. First of all you can't just shove medicine into someone and not work through the things wrong with them. Second of all you weren't taking it consistently enough. So all this actually kinda stopped one day. Suddenly you were back to regular. You weren't flying around the house like a banshee anymore, you were swinging back over the place, your panic attacks lessened, your nightmares went away.

Then I feel like after that we had a period of actually confronting your problems and fears and it went pretty good.

But life was fuckin rough man, and I started going downhill.

Where were you for me? I regret saying this because its not your responsibility and there's not much you could have done.

But there's a lot you could have NOT done for fucks sakes.

All through your craziness I was there helping you, trying to convince you I really loved you and you could trust me. Doing everything I could to make you feel better and bring you back down to earth. Trying as hard as I could to figure you out and make it all okay for you.

The fuck did you do when I started slipping? You made it about you. You antagonized, you poked at it. When I started having meltdowns, you started triggering them on purpose. I loved you and never blamed you through your whole crazy period. Just wanted you to feel better and stop. But now that it was my turn, I was this evil guy. I was doing it on purpose and it was all about you. You never helped me, you never tried to calm me down, you always just made it worse. I told you what it was that was upsetting me, and you did it again, over and over again.

I mean Jesus christ. I gave you a fucking road map of how to help me. I went through all that shit with you the first 6 months of our relationship. I comforted you through it, reassured you, helped you talk about it, and you ended up getting a lot better.

When you had a freak out while you still lived in MP, I told you to get in the car and drive to me. I took my last $200 and got us a hotel and pizza. You were like a dead person, catatonic when I got there, covered in cuts, and barely could talk. I comforted you and got you all nice and relaxed and you started to cheer up a little. We even had sex. You had bad nightmares that night but I woke you up and took care of it.

What did you do when I freaked out? Like the first times, before it got really bad.. Either shut down completely, locked yourself in the bathroom, or sat there and yelled at me. You held it over my head the next day.

I used to do this thing to kammy a lot. Where I would just shut down or just lay in bed crying or just refuse to talk. And she actually worried about me. She would kinda be like come on! Get up! And I would refuse. And she would get a little frustrated sometimes. But she would keep trying. I did it because I was feeling bad inside, and I did it to be dramatic and get attention, just like you did. But eventually she would get on top of me or squeeze me or kiss me and finally show that she was really there for me, and I would slowly open up, and then we would talk, and I would feel better.

You did your version of this to me. You had a really bad sad day. Then the next day I came home from work and you were basically catatonic. Just like dead depressed. The next day I went and pawned my gun. A $1000 gun that had saved my life 3 times, my first and most important gun. I pawned it for $300, ended up getting in trouble at work, ended up paying $600 to pay it back, and still lost it, gone forever. But I went and got that $300 dollars. I came home from work, and you literally wouldn't move. You wouldn't respond to me, and you wouldn't talk. You didn't say a single word.

I knew you were feeling really really bad inside. I also knew that you were at the same time putting on an act. I dragged you out of bed and took you to this really nice restaurant. We got a ton of food. I got some food in you and what got you talking was the girls next to us were so annoying. You brightened up. I went and took you to get some toys or something. I don't remember what we did but I spent all the money and just tried really hard for several days to bring you out of that and get you feeling better.

So that thing I did with kammy. When I wasn't feeling good I would close off, and wanted attention. I did that with you I don't know, 50 times. Never. Fucking. Once. Did you do ANYTHING about it. I was feeling sad and overwhelmed and just wanted to show it. And I wanted you to show that you really cared and that you were worried about how I was acting. I wanted you to at least just lay there with me, maybe rub my back or arm, just give me some warmth. Show that you were concerned and wanted to make me feel better. Just do literally fucking anything to show you cared and wanted me to feel happy.

You ignored me every fucking time. Once I even hid under the bed to show that I was really upset and not feeling good and be really dramatic about it. So many times I tried to act sad for attention. Everyone does it, yeah it's bait. Every single time you ignored it. Not a kiss or a huge. Not really even ask if I was okay or if I needed something. Not even selfishly act like sad about it to get my sympathy. Nothing. Just ignored it every fucking time.

I mean literally everyone does this. You're feeling down and unloved and try to show it. And the person you're showing it to is supposed to come say hey are you okay? You're acting weird? Please talk to me? I love you? Nah. Not a God damn thing. I drove fucking 200 miles to come help you when you were feeling down, I spent money I didn't have, I held you through hours of tears. I couldn't get a fucking hug or a scrap of attention. For years, living with a borderline sociopath, I would get some love and attention when I was feeling bad, I would go lay in bed and refuse to talk or sit there looking and acting sad, and she would try to see what's wrong. Every time I ever did that when I was with you, I laid there until I cried myself to fucking sleep. The moment never came. Waking up the next day after that was as good as dying.

This is all before the change by the way. This is just us before everything got bad. But the situation we were in got longer, it stopped improving, it started getting worse. You honestly started being more hurtful once you stopped being so crazy. That was the point where you straight up started causing problems and fucking with me and being stubborn and shit. But yeah, I returned it, I started going really crazy and being mean too.

But that's the thing. You got a lot better and we got a little more settled in to our shitty life and got more comfortable with each other. Your moods stopped swinging and you stopped be unpredictable.

Before I go on I still just don't think I really said how it made me feel when you were crazy all the time. I loved you and I was there for you for anything and I never wanted to lose you. But you were unpredictable, always having some crazy problem, always doing some absolutely crazy shit. It was all in my heart, that's what I'm getting at I guess. I had so much sympathy for you and was trying to help so much, and I saw your pain and sickness. But it was a lot dude. It was terrifying. I loved you and just wanted to hang out and be best friends but you were unpredictable, always seemed like you were gonna do something really crazy, always thought I would come home to find you had killed yourself, you threatened to do it all the time, you refused to talk to me, it felt like you were fucking with me and it was all my fault and I was so horrible and I couldn't help you. Idk man it was really fucking hard and scary. I just did my best to try to help and I always wanted to be with you and we ended up getting through it and it made me really happy. It just pulled my emotions all over the place non stop and scared me and upset me all the time.

But yeah we got past that part. But you just kept being a fucker. You just kept fucking with me. And now it wasn't about illness, or your past abuse, it wasn't a scared little innocent girl, it wasn't acting out for attention because you needed to be shown love. Nah. You were just being a brat, a bitch, an asshole, just saying shit that hurt me straight on, just directly manipulating me, no weirdness or nuance to it anymore, nope just deliberate.

Also, you defined yourself as a BPD. You didn't identify as someone who had BPD and was struggling to fight it and live her life. No, you identified as a walking embodiment of BPD itself. Every action you did was explained by it, the whole way you saw the world was BPD. It was partially munchausen, you were trained by psychologists and abusers to see yourself this way, and see yourself as broken and needs to be medicated. I gave you love and strength to see otherwise. But still, that's how you saw everything at first, and let yourself off the hook for everything.

And, for fucks sake. You told me you didn't love me and that you're just a BPD girl. You told me I was just your Favorite Person now and I was just your everything now. We had this romantic as fuck love story and we legit fell in love, that wasn't in my head and you were an active participant. But then one day you said the other version, not that we met and had adventures and fell in love, but that I randomly encountered some BPD abomination and now I was a part of your BPD and that's why you put thought and effort into me. Not that you love me, but because you're a BPD. Imagine how the fuck it made me feel to listen to that absolute horseshit.

You are the most selfish and self centered person I've ever met. You literally regularly said, it's my world and you're all just living in it. And you just barely said it like a joke. Someone said that to tease you about your personality one day, and you said but damn you right tho, and you adopted that as you're motto and way of life.

WHY THO?

Jesus Christ I was really hoping I’d never have to do this again. I honestly don’t know what is worse, having to watch another shitty movie or rereading my old blog posts and realizing that they were lower in quality than the movies I was reviewing. Fortunately it doesn’t really matter because I know for a fact that my -2 followers don’t seem to mind. But here I am. Once again I must swallow my pride and sumit myself to literal torture all in the name of a grade. To my suprise choosing a crappy movie was almost as difficult as watching one. So many options. So much low hanging fruit. However movies of this nature can always be a mixed bag. I remember when I first started this blog a few years ago some reviews never left my drafts because I didn't have much to write about. Sometimes a movie is so mediocre, so bad, that it can’t even excel at being an awful pile of crap. I chose to write about bad movies because I figured it would be entertaining. You’d think some films, in their own demented way, could at least entertain. But no. Can’t even get that right. I’d find myself at 2’o’clock in the morning looking at my notes only to realize that I basically wrote nothing. All I had was a lingering sense of regret and confusion; like I’d just woken up from a drunken one night stand. All I could do is ask myself, “What the hell did I just watch?” So as I revisit this deserted island I call my blog for what most likely will be the last time, I want to make sure that it is worth it. If I’m going to verbally assault a movie, I’m going to make sure it is an easy target. That was my thought process at least. I soon realized that just because a movie is easy to write about, that doesn’t mean it is easy to watch.

So what movie did I force upon my soul do you ask? Why CATS of course. Because who doesn’t like Cats? Everyone loves cats. What’s not to love about an ungrateful and rude animal that walks around your house like it owns the place. An animal that bites, scratches, and claws at anything it deems unworthy. “Let's make a movie, based off the perverted 80s Broadway production that centered around these literal spawns of Satan,” said every Hollywood executive with their head up their ass. As a matter of fact they thought it was such a good idea that they dropped 95 million U.S. dollars on it.

Now before I continue, as I typed “cats budget” in my google search bar, take a guess what came up after “cats bu..”. CATS BUTTHOLE SMELL. Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with people? I tried recreating it in the search bar to screenshot but I couldn’t get it to come up, but trust me. I know what I saw. What is it with cat people man? Seriously. Really threw me off my train of thought.

But yeah, 95 big ones. A lot of good things could have been done with that money, but nope. We needed a live action adaptation of Cats. Did anyone who thought this was a good idea even see the play? That shit was weird. I didn’t watch it, cause, well why the hell would I?

But from the bare minimum research that I did do, the general consensus was that it was a shitty play that made lots of money because people are dumb and will watch anything. I guess producers were hoping lightning would strike twice. If you saw the play you would know that there is literally no plot. It has nothing. It is literally a bunch of weirdos dressed like anthropomorphic cats dry humping each other and singing for 2 hours. I swear its target audience had to consist of lonely 12 years old, sad housewives, and perverts. I tried watching the musical just to get a general reference of the living hell I was going to put myself in only to be utterly mortified. My eyes and ears didn’t last 5 minutes. How it made all the money it did baffles me. But I’m not here to talk about this crime against humanity, I’m here to rip into its bastard child. And boy, oh boy, is there a lot to talk about.

$14.99 in and I’m already regretting my life choices. Everything in my life has led me to this moment and I really wish I could change that. Thanks to what a box office bomb this movie was, I can’t rent it anywhere. I can only buy it. Figures. You're already off to a bad start movie. 2 minutes into the opening scene and I already hate it. People walking around on all fours in fursuits, licking their genitals, singing dancing, some crappy asymmetric musical. WHY! Oh god why did people make this? What kind of furry bullshit is this? I am going to be completely transparent. I’m writing this while I’m watching the movie. I’m not even 5 minutes in and I want to blow my brains out. This is not hyperbole, I wish it was. I can’t dude. I can’t watch this fucking movie. All the characters speak in these weird haikus with British accents. I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t know what anyone is saying half the freaking time. So many made up words and phrases. It's like the script was written by some Dr. Suess rejected. I genuinely have no idea what is going on. I was really hoping that for once one of my reviews wouldn’t sound like the rantings of a madman. But I can’t help it. This crap is rotting my brain. Seriously what is going on. Maybe I’m a simpleton who doesn’t get musicals, but I shit you not there is no plot. I have no idea what the hell is going on. How do you have a movie with no plot?

It’s just singing about being cats... and their FEET. JESUS CHRIST THEY HAVE FEET. No CGI paws. BARE. HUMAN. FEET. God why. How as an actor, do you go on set, act like a literal animal and tell yourself, “yeah this is gonna pan out great.” How did they sit down and go, “I’m going to sit here, lick a fake bowl of milk, sing and dance nonsense, then proceed to lick my non-existent cat balls.” I literally watched an actor snarl directly into the camera. When I went to find out who it was, I was unsurprised to see that all the pictures of the actors were gone. Just names. With a little digging I found out it was Ian Mckellen, you know, from Lord of the Rings. Magneto from Xmen. That Ian Mckellen. Yup, and he snarled to the camera like a cat. Anything for a paycheck right? Who am I to judge, I watched 2019’s Cats for an English class. Who is really losing here, cause frankly I don’t know anymore. If I have anything positive to say about this movie is that it has less dry humping than its source material. Key word less. I better get an A for this.

An hour into the movie and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on. Some dude in overalls is tap dancing. He's a “railway cat” cause he's a conductor or something. I physically cannot do this. I'm dying on the inside. A light inside me is slowly fading. Countless abhorrent musical numbers. Too many for a man to take. To put things in perspective, I did not like Hamilton. Did I respect it for what it was? Of course. Not my cup of tea though. Hamilton was a great musical, arguably one of the best, and I did not enjoy it whatsoever. Now here I am watching Cats. Just a little perspective.

As I came to the end of the movie I saw that I missed all kinds of things. There was a love plot, some kind of contest, and villain. But that didn’t concern me. All I could focus on was how I wasted an hour and a half of my life. 

An hour and a half wasted on this.

Do you think God left us because he feared what he created? I sure as hell do. The philosophers were right. Everyday Pantheism is making more and more sense. And if not that nihilism. God is dead. God is most certainly dead. Don’t believe me? The GIF above is all the proof you need.

I was hoping that for once one of these blogs would have some sense of conformity. Some sort of cohesion. Maybe an ounce of legitimacy. But I couldn’t. There is something about these movies that drain the life from you. Every second spent looking at my computer screen I felt brain cells dying. I might as well have drunk a whole 750 milliliter bottle of Everclear. That or bang my head against a wall for 15 minutes. Either would have been just as effective; and probably more efficient.

I thought that I could improve upon the quality of my blog. When I reread my old post I realized that they had no depth. I thought maybe it was me. Right? I was 15, What did I know about good writing? No. It never had anything to do with me. Movies like Cats are such horrendous abominations of human creation, that there is literally no way to talk about them with any form of professional effort. They are shallow. There is nothing to analyze. How can you analyze garbage? Art requires respect if it wants to be reviewed and judged accordingly. Cats and films like it don’t have my respect and never will. I type this with immense pleasure. Never again. Never will I ever put myself through this bull again. Thankfully, for the last time. I can ask Why Tho?

all 104 asks :)))

JESUS H. CHRIST. ALRIGHT HERE YOU GO THEN AL OH MY GOD. YOU BETTER DO YOURS TOO OR ELSE I’M COMING FOR YOU. 

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Oh man the last person I texted was my friend Lilly and I don’t know her that well so I’d probably say “how did I get here and where are my clothes.” 

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?We’re tight, we send each other memes everyday. Shout out to my boi Zac

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?It depends the drug I guess. Like weed? Tight. Crack cocaine? Um maybe, like, not so tight 

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?Yeah it’s eight 

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?I was sober af 

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?I liked a straight girl for a long time, but I didn’t so much mess it up as it was never there to begin with since she’s….. y’know straight 

7. What does your last received text say?It’s the little emoticon of that girl holding out her hand. You know. The slay girl? The girl that looks like she’s saying yaaaaass. That one. 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?Just once. Once again shout out to my boi Zac

9. Where was your last kiss at?In my car listening to stairway to heaven because I know how to woo a man 

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?I don’t have any siblings, I’m an only child

11. What do you drink in the morning?Water. I’m a slut for hydration 

12. Where did you sleep last night?My apartment. 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?Oh hell yeah boi, but if it’s with the right person it’s worth it. 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?Yah, every single decision I ever made 

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?Nah it’s my boi Zac, we’d probs just look at memes 

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?I like both! But sometimes too much rain can depress me 

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?Oh hell yeah my girl Lilly from question 1, also my old tennis doubles partner Veronica. 

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?Pj pants, It’s 1am

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?Honestly who the fuck knows my dude 

20. Does anyone like you?I don’t think so 

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?Nope, can’t say that I’ve had

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?Nah my boi Zac is straight

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?Yeah a shit ton.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?Yes! I want one on my thigh and goddamn it I’m gonna get it 

25. In the past week have you cried?Yeah everyday actually lol, I have depression  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Ah I actually just saw one like an hour ago! I think he was a boxer, like a tiny boxer. 

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?In the shower, I hate it when my wet feet touch the carpet is that weird? 

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? 

I have indeed actually 

29. Do you think you’re old?Nah. Maybe. Slightly old. I’m 20

30. Do you like text messaging?Hell yeh I like a good text 

31. What type of day are you having?Really chill, hung out with a friend and had taco bell

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?Yeah I’ve thought about it but I don’t have anything pierced so I don’t think I’ll ever do it ha 

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?Probably warm weather, I live in Florida so I’ve never really experienced cold, cold weather. 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?Ummmmm, my boi Zac? 

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?Relationship 

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?Complicated. I don’t even understand my damn self. Who the fuck is she and why she gotta be so damn annoying. 

37. What song are you listening to?Nothing, silence. But I will say the song I’m currently in love with right now is Two Fux by Adam Lambert, that shit is amazing.

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?Oh hell yeah. I say it a lot but I mean it every time.

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?Um like my mom?

40. What made you start liking the person you like now?I really don’t like anyone right now to be honest.

41. When did you last receive a text message?Um 6:34pm from my girl Lilly

42. What is wrong with you right now?Lol dude so much.

43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Not that well but well enough to like be comfortable around her.

44. Does anyone disgust you?The current president of the United States, That weasel from back at the barnyard. Idk that guy just freaks me out.

45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?Probably not, maybe when I’m in better control of myself

46. Are you in a good mood right now?Yeah I’m chillin

47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?My friend Dominique

48. What color shirt are you wearing?Black!

49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?YEAH ALEX TELLING ME TO DO ALL OF THESE ASKS. I’M LOOKING AT YOU.

50. Anyone you’re giving up on?My owN DAMN SELF. Shit.

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?Nah she’s cool.52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?Ummmm yeah I’ve had that happen before.

53. Do you like rain?Yeah I do, it’s soothing.

54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?Nah

55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?What else are you supposed to do when you like someone?

56. Do you like to cuddle?Yeah I do but not with like anybody I gotta be tight with you first.

57. Are you shy?People tell me that I am but I hate that.

58. Do you get along with girls?Oh hell yeah I love girls. Platonically and very un-platonically

59. Have you dated the person you texted last?My girl Lilly?? Nah we just friends.

60. What do you carry with you at all times?Probably my phone

61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?Oh hell yeah!! I love creepy shit. I might cry a little though. But who wouldn’t, ya know?

62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?Yeah I have before.

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?Nope.

64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?Very, I’d probably finger gun at them.

65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?Ummm me and my friend Dominique stayed up reading fanfic together, I thought that was cute. 66. How old are the last three people you kissed?Hoo boy. Um 18, 21, and 20. 67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    I mean I love getting my nails done but that’s too expensive.

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    I fuck with a leopard print.

69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    Nope, just a parking decal haha

70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    Lil Wayne. I used to go to school with a boy named Lil Wayne. Shout out to my boi Lil Wayne.

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    iPhone, bish

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?   Like a week ago on my birthday  

73. Do you like diet soda?    Nope, I don’t like soda.

74. What color are the walls in your room?    At my apartment they’re white, at my house they’re coral, heh.

75. Are you 16 or older?    ]Yup, I’m 20

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  Nope but I read all the books. I think Emily is the reason why I’m bi lol  

77. Do you have a job?    Nope I’m hella unemployed

78. What are your initials?  MMZ  

79. Did you ever have braces?    Nope

80. Are you from the south?    I mean I live in Florida but I was born in California81. What does your last status on facebook say?    I have no idea, I haven’t opened that shit in years.

82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    Yeah! He’s a great guy! He’s gay now tho lol

83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    My mom

84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    I’ve done gymnastics, I can do I handstand. That means I’m hip.

85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    Spider-Man Homecoming!

86. Do you smoke?    Nahh

87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?  Flip Flops, I got high arches, you kno?  

88. Is your phone touch screen?    Why yes it is.

89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    It’s naturally a little wavy so I guess wavy

90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    Nah are you kidding? I’d get killed by my mom. How do kids do that shit? No really I want to know.

91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?  Hmmmmmm probably a river  

92. Have you ever made out in a car?    Why yes, yes I have

93. …Had sex in a car?    No girl

94. Are you single or in a relationship?    I’m huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu single

95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    Um on tumblr just scrollin

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    Driving to my apartment! I saw the Disney fireworks ha.

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?  Yeah I love it, it’s great.  

98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?   Umm…. Yes, yes I have. Heh.  

99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    No, but there was this one time I drank so much that I started crying in this random guys lap because I was mad the room wouldn’t stop moving. Good times.

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    Honestly idk I don’t even use facebook

101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    God no, and I hope I never do pls god hear my prayer

102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    Um gotta be Blow, I love that song

103. Do you have any tan lines right now? Omg I have flip flop tan lines don’t judge me    

104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?  Hell yeah. Yee haw mother fuckers.

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first of all , Jesus christcant believe im bout to answer 104 questions but Hey i might as well

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? i would say: dude wheres my clothes2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? cant think of a clever joke to make about Not having kissed a single soul in my life3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? wey obviously i fuckin would Christ 4. Is your last name longer than six letters? yeah its 8 5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? hmm6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? gmhhh yeah 7. What does your last received text say? “fuck you”8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? i dont know , many times i hope9. Where was your last kiss at? somewhere nice i hope10. When is the last time you saw your sister? like 30 seconds ago shes brushing her teeth in the bathroom11. What do you drink in the morning? water and green tea always12. Where did you sleep last night? in my Ikea bed ..edgy question though13. Do you think relationships are hard? sometimes14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? yes15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? no as a matter of fact the problem is There is no one in the room its so lonely God16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? what kind of fuckin numpty would RATHER it be rainy?17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Im sure i do18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? sweatPants19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? yeah i do or otherwise..Sad20. Does anyone like you? i dont know i sure hope so21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? No22. Is the last person you kissed gay? who is this Last Person I Kissed? i dont know them ive never even seen them quit asking me about them23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? yes. Yes24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? yeah But i dont care25. In the past week have you cried? yeah but only cause i was Gettin a hard time off Some Bullshit26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Hes a bordercollie.. My Boy27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? in there28. Have you ever kissed a football player? No.29. Do you think you’re old? i’ll think im old when im 70.30. Do you like text messaging? tell u the truth yes i do i like it a lot31. What type of day are you having? sort of good32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? i have but i decided never to do that33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? cold as long as it isnt I-Cant-Move-My-Fingers cold34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? of course!!!!!35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? relationship36. Are you a simple or complicated person? I’ll tell you later when i find out37. What song are you listening to? my ma & sister talking and its Not up there w the favourites I must say38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? more often than not39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? no.40. What made you start liking the person you like now? i dont think u can really answer something like that cause sometimes you just like someone and there needs to be no one good reason for liking them you just do41. When did you last receive a text message? hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now? hmm dont open that door43. How well do you know the last female you texted? not too well but i like her44. Does anyone disgust you? yeah45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? well not just anyone !! but someone if i liked them then i guess46. Are you in a good mood right now? yeah i am47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? mawmaw48. What color shirt are you wearing? black49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? absolutely50. Anyone you’re giving up on? yeah51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? no!!52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? yeah53. Do you like rain? if i dont have to stand in it then yes54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? naw i wouldnt mind55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? yeah a lot of times. i nearly never ever tell someone if i like them56. Do you like to cuddle? of course57. Are you shy? i dont know. sometimes58. Do you get along with girls? yeah59. Have you dated the person you texted last? no rip60. What do you carry with you at all times? my phone61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? supposed haunted house Absolutely. A real one (assuming they exist dhdhd) i dont think i could, not alone62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? I hope 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? no64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? if that happened. i would suffer from cardiac arrest65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? i dont recall Im sorry dnjdjd66. How old are the last three people you kissed? boo67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? i hate both but i pick zebra print because i absolutely cant stand leopard print, not on clothes. its so Fuckinf ugly no offence to leopards69. Do you have any stickers on your car? i dont…Have a car70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? would i rather Fucking what?71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? god. iphone72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? in london with my good friends that im no longer friends with rip Brothers in arms i stilll love Yiou lads good ol memories 73. Do you like diet soda? no i wont poison my body w that shite. Diet sodas are just chemicals74. What color are the walls in your room? one of them is brown and the rest are white75. Are you 16 or older? im 1676. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? no? obviously a fucking do not?77. Do you have a job? no :(78. What are your initials? V. K. H. 79. Did you ever have braces? no my teeth have always been fuckin Perfect no joke80. Are you from the south? no im from the very very north from a global perspective like, but Im from the south of my country81. What does your last status on facebook say? no idea i ditched fb a long time ago82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? i dont think ive talked to them Yet 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? ah i dont know84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? no im not about tht shit85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? answered already it was trainspotting86. Do you smoke? No87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? heels88. Is your phone touch screen? yeah what is this, 2007?89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? straigth90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? yeah dhdhd91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? Pool92. Have you ever made out in a car? no93. …Had sex in a car? i can assure you i have not94. Are you single or in a relationship? single 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? i can Say with great pride that i was probably sleeping 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? new years eve97. Do you like the camera on your phone? yea 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? no 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? hmm No100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? sure but isnt everyone 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? a what? No102. Name your favorite Kesha song: name my favourite kesha song? name my favourite kesha song?103. Do you have any tan lines right now? No104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? answered already

Marshall Amps

This is Slayer’s backdrop for some recent tour of theirs.

If you’ve followed rock music at all, the “wall of Marshalls” is so iconic, it’s hard to separate the subject of the imagery from the backdrop of Marshall speakers.  Jimmy Page, Slash, Zakk Wylde, Eric Clapton...to name a few...but the man who made Marshalls the “greatest amps of all time” is none other than you know who...

So what is it with Marshalls?  Why did they become the “greatest amps of all time” yet seemingly don’t have a place in today’s guitar world?

***

What defines Marshall amps?

They have “Marshall” written on them.

Kidding aside, you will never hear about Marshall amps being called “versatile.”  “Clean” is something they do out of necessity, not design.  They are stupidly heavy.  They are a pain in the ass to maintain.  They only sound good at volumes that would peel the enamel off your teeth...and that’s just the 50w models, let alone the big boys.

Marshall amps really do one thing well...overdrive.  If you’re in a band that plays loud, plays dirty and plays aggressive, then Marshalls are likely right in your wheelhouse.  Bonus points if someone else is carrying your gear.

Any level of dirt...from bluesy hair on the note to full out metal grind...a Marshall is right at home.  When you overdrive the tubes in a Marshall and they start to produce those beautiful overtones and harmonics, it’s truly a sound of beauty that prickles the hair on the back of your neck.

***

Historical Context Part 1

To define Marshall amps, we need to start with their history.

Remember how when I used to actually write, I’d talk about putting things in historical context?  Lets go back to the early 60′s.  There is ONE amp company doing business on both sides of the Atlantic, Fender.  And, despite being primitive and archaic, those early Tweed Fender amps are still today some of the best sounding amps money can buy, which is even more impressive considering that a 10 year old who can use a soldering iron could build one.

But in America, it’s easy to source parts for an American company’s amp like Fender.  It’s right there in the country, stupid.  But for a company...shit, that’s not even accurate given they weren’t a company yet...for a Brit like Jim Marshall, you had to get creative.

Marshalls, at their very, foundational core, are almost a direct plagiarism of the Fender Bassman amp.  I mean, it’s exactly the same amplifier except for one key difference...the tubes.  The Atlantic Ocean thing mentioned earlier is a big deal...the 6v6 and 6L6 power tubes that Leo Fender used, nothing more than run of the mill military-spec electrical tubes, weren’t available.  Tubes might not be the lifeblood of an amp (the circuit is), but different tubes have a hugely variable presence in practical settings.

Given that most tube amps are powered by tubes that came from either the US, UK or Russian military industrial complexes...and there not being the internet or a secondary market for any of this shit...Marshall used, first, KT66 Russian tubes, and later British EL34 (big bottles) and EL84 (little bottles), depending on use.

As Marshall’s blew up (and it happened quickly), and musicians started playing bigger and bigger halls, Marshall took that Bassman ripoff and housed it in larger cabinets allowing him to add more tubes, and therefore, more power.  It was the perfect storm...

***

Historical Context Part II...the important stuff

So I linked to a bunch of pics above...famous dudes standing in front of walls of Marshalls.  The one I really want to hit on is the Eric Clapton one...

I just mentioned this a couple paragraphs above, but it bears repeating...there was no secondary market for things like tubes, caps, speakers, etc.  That pic of Clapton?  In each of those cabinets housing four speakers, maybe one was fully operational with half of another adding a bunch of fizz.  During Cream’s final show at Royal Albert Hall, he had only one speaker installed in the entire cabinet...the rest were just empty.

Now, that’s not to say there wasn’t any sonic benefit from having cabinets project sound waves with four speakers.  Rather, if one went down, at least you could still play.

Which leads us to the important stuff...

Primitive PA systems were not only garbage to begin with, but they were typically operated by burnouts who didn’t have the first clue of how to properly EQ a room.  This was true as late as the mid 80′s.  As shitty as those PA systems were though, guess what?  That’s still how Cream’s sound got shot through Royal Albert Hall.

Given the choice though, guitarists would rather have a slew of speakers doing the work rather than mic’ing up smaller amps.  Even with this option though, there’s a long history of...behind those walls of Marshall speaker cabs...there being a single half stack with just one speaker being mic’d.

Here’s a dirty little secret...Eddie Van Halen has not just endorsed multiple amps from multiple companies, but been heavily involved in the design of a lot of those as well.  BUT, when you hear him in the studio or live, you’re not hearing any of those amps...you’re hearing this.

Despite all the noise and propaganda regarding Van Halen’s wizardry with guitar and amp parts, the sound he’s most famous for and has relied on his entire career is produced by a relatively stock Marshall 1959SLP, known as the Super Lead.  The “Brown Tone” he’s famous for isn’t due to anything special in the amp itself, rather using something called the Variax to run the 100w amp at 90w, thereby making it warmer and more efficient (Marshall’s imported to the US still made to run at 110 volts despite most American outlets being 120 volts...the Variax reduced the electrical load to the amp, while also being an accidental signal buffer, allowing him to use time-based effects like flangers and delays, where running them into the front of a Marshall would cancel out those signals).

Jesus Christ that was a long aside...there was a point here though.

***

What was that point?

When PA systems and quality mic’s and sound guys became the norm, the necessity for stacks of Marshalls really started to go to shit.  Even before the internet boom, the jokes about wannabes hauling Marshall half stacks to tiny bars with no audience were already essentially canon.

I said this above...unless you are a touring artist in a hard rock band with logistical support and no front of house...Marshalls are completely impractical.  We’re not even going to touch on declines in quality (new Marshalls built on PCB have more in common with your phone than a 1987x, even if you buy a “reissue” of a 1987x), questionable marketing and oversaturating their own market...the fact of the matter is extremely simple.  Big iron is obsolete, no matter who makes it.

Marshall themselves know this, and released the “studio” line...which might as well be called the “shit we better make smaller stuff because our sales are getting FUCKED” line.  If you’ve ever had to pack a car full of gear yourself, it takes one gig before you’re looking for smaller, lighter amps.  Those 100w Marshalls?  They sound AMAZING cranked.

But unless you play them cranked, they sound like shit.  Think about it like driving a Ferrari at 25mph all the time...

For regular working musicians like myself, a great sounding tube combo can be found under 50 lbs.  Or I could ditch all that and go with a modeler, go straight into the PA and never need an amp again (PREDICTION...you will not see amplifiers on stage outside of Nashville and niche acts in 10 years).  That’s for a working musician.

For a touring musician, you can save tens of thousands of dollars per year by not having to hire logistical staff.  You might have scoffed at my prediction above...but these days, the majority of guitar sounds you hear are made digitally by a session guitarist sitting either at home or in the control room of a studio.  That 1987x is a digital patch rather than two trips to the car and ringing ears.

Point being...amps are already obsolete.  And if your amp weighs more than 50 lbs. and has more power than say 40w, it’s remarkably obsolete, no matter how cool it is.

***

Competition

I don’t have to tell you that Marshalls’ legacy was formed in the harder forms of rock.  Take one look at those monsters and you can tell they roar.  “Roar” is an interesting concept though...

Marshalls were made before hard rock really existed.  Guitarists almost ubiquitously came from a “clean” learning point, and even what we consider small amounts of dirt like this (and during the instrumental part of Ramblin’ Man) back then were FULL-THROATED.

Personally, that’s my ideal of the Marshall sound.  That Tweedy breakup that puts a shaggy head of hair on each note.  But to just about 90% of the music-enjoying public, this is the sound that immediately comes to mind when you think of Marshalls.

Definitely more dirty than Duane Allman’s version no doubt, but if you really listen to the guitar, the edge is more due to phrasing and Slash’s ballsy attitude than the guitar tone itself.  It’s still something I’d describe as more crunchy than full on distorted.

Which brings us to the clones.  Now, what better product to copy than a style that’s been obsolete for like two decades now!

We talked about Van Halen’s supposedly modded (but really quite stock) Marshall above...well, here comes one of his amp tech buddies Michael Soldano bringing a hot-rodded Marshall to the masses.  Then Bogner follows right behind.

Slash’s tone might not be that distorted, but plenty of metal guys absolutely were, and Marshall JCM’s were their weapon of choice.  But the time the calendar turned to 1990 though, Mesa Boogie’s rectifiers were already kings of the metal scene.  Almost as much as the Telecaster dominates country music, the Mesa Boogie Rectifiers own metal.

What was the common denominator in the competition?  MORE, sure.  More dirt, more quality, blah blah blah.  The biggest reason was Marshall, the company.  Unlike Fender, Marshall never got bought by bigger companies.  While that might keep them more “genuine” you have to realize that this guy was making amps in a tiny drum shop still when he was making stuff for Hendrix and Pete Townshend.

***

While Fender’s soul got twisted in a series of corporate takeovers, what it also eventually received was outside guidance from people with business AND music knowledge.  Fender was always forward thinking, from the day Leo Fender started the company.  Jim Marshall didn’t have that same type of vision.  The idea of a Fender amp being built on PCB is something Leo Fender would have embraced.  But to Marshall, it’s killing the amp’s soul.  Fenders never were BIG IRON...i.e. huge transformers fed by big bottle tubes...they never got into the size game.

To begin with, Marshalls were a stolen design.  That might sound harsh, but it’s not being unfair either.  They were never known for quality, rather known for quirks and unreliability.  They weren’t even that unique of a sound...you can get a very similar sound from a Fender Tweed cranked...you just cant take a Tweed to a huge hall and project the sound.

We can do that today.  Easily.  Like an $80 mic and a mic cable easy.  And now you have a true, pretty much genuine Marshall roar in a 30 lb. package.

Back in the day you couldn’t demand flawless point-to-point wiring, proper voltage and ohm specs, and wide-sweeping EQ bands.  Soldano and Mesa Boogie offered these as stock parts of their offerings at the same price points.  If you were a lead guy, Soldano was your choice...if you were a metal guy, it was Mesa...and in the two niches of the guitar world Marshall absolutely dominated, they were now second class citizens.

Or maybe even worse...new poor.

***

“Marshall” is a descriptor these days.  It’s describing the sound of a tube amp with a good-sized transformer being fed by British tubes, typically EL34′s.

If you want a “Marshall,” Marshall is probably the fourth or fifth company I’d recommend.  There’s a lot of debate about this, but I do not believe amps built on PCB are worth more than $1k...shit, that’s generous because I would not personally buy an amplifier using PCB.

This is the power amp section for a new Marshall JCM.

For all you IT guys out there, you probably know that PCB ain’t exactly the most receptive thing to changes in temperature.  Hey!  I got a great idea!  Lets put power and preamp tubes, that heat the fuck up, straight on some cheap ass PCB with janky copper wiring and automated solders!

Literally the only people who will tell you PCB is fine are people who build amps for a living.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t give a shit about making your job easier when you’re still charging me full price and plus some.  The only people saying that there’s no reason to do a point-to-point amp are those who are too lazy to, because there’s a big boutique market for this very thing.

Lets do a real apples to apples comparison here...

The top pic is a restored 1972 Marshall 1987x.  You can buy these used for under $2k...but let’s use $2k...plus $200 restoration (just the guts, who cares about how an amp looks).  We’re at $2,200.  And this electric shit is so simple a vacuum repair shop could do it.

The bottom pic is a brand spakin’ new Marshall 1987x reissue, modeled after...you guessed it...the 1972 Marshall 1987x.  That’s some clean wiring on that particle board!  But...wait...why am I paying MORE for a less desirable model, that took exponentially less work on Marshall’s end?  Why would I subsidize their profit margins for an inferior product with less resale value?

Furthermore...the 1987x is a one-channel, stupid simple amp.  Why do you need PCB to begin with?  I get it for a Soldano or Rectifier that’s multi-channel, with huge sweeping EQ sections, reverb, etc...but this is a plug-n-play.

Marshall...the company...has been doing that to their customer base for decades.  Back in the day, you knew what you were getting...a thunderous machine that likely would fail at some point, necessitating multiple amp purchases.  Literally the instant better, higher quality alternatives hit the market, it ripped into Marshall’s market share.

Today, if I were recommending a Marshall, the first place I’d recommend is George Metropoluos.  Second would be Friedman.  I’m currently deeply in love with a Friedman amp that’s a single-channel, point-to-point 40w amp that’s essentially a Tweed Bassman with EL84′s and a switchable gain stage...adorably named the Dirty Shirley.

***

Conclusion

Despite all that, I have a romantic love of Marshalls that overrides anything to do with quality or practicality.  It’s kind of like my love for the Gibson Les Paul grotesquely compounded...

You might think that I have a negative opinion of Marshalls based on everything I’ve just written.  Not true.  All of that stuff, it’s nothing in comparison to just how fucking incredible these things sound in person.  Again, neither of these instruments are in my wheelhouse, but if you asked me what the platonic ideal sound an electric guitar makes, it’d be a Les Paul through a cranked Marshall 1987x.

And even if you’re not into this kinda shit, trust me you’ve heard more than your fair share of Marshalls in the past.  They’re that great.  So great, it doesn’t matter how shitty they may or may not be.

PS...I wrote this in 3 different sessions, didn’t edit or re-read, and just posted away because something is better than nothing.

Questions! Aka bored as fuck

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Oh shit . How drunk was I? 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? Things 3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? Depends on the drug. 4. Is your last name longer than six letters? Nope! 5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober 6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? Tbh it's usually them 7. What does your last received text say? Too lazy to look 8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? Countless times 9. Where was your last kiss at? In my apartment 10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Yesterday 11. What do you drink in the morning? Water water and more water 12. Where did you sleep last night? Muhh comfy ass bed 13. Do you think relationships are hard? Of course they can be 14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? Yes. 15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Nope 16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Sunny 24/7 please 17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Nope good for them I don't 18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Yoga pants 19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? Probably 20. Does anyone like you? I'd hope so 21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? Uhh I don't think so! 22. Is the last person you kissed gay? No 23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? Yes the list keeps growing (: 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? I already have some! 25. In the past week have you cried? Sort of? Like a bit lol 26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Dude no fucking clue 27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Outtttt 28. Have you ever kissed a football player? Nah 29. Do you think you’re old? Nope just feel it 30. Do you like text messaging? Yes now stop calling me lol 31. What type of day are you having? SHITTY. ASS. DAY. 32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Had it done 3 times. 33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm. Cold weather is death. 34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Yes 35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Whatever I feel like 36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Unfortunately complicated but what can you do 37. What song are you listening to? Stay High Remix because it'll never get old 38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? I never say sorry if I don't 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? One 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? He had cool ass hair. 41. When did you last receive a text message? An hour ago 42. What is wrong with you right now? Everything 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? Only best friend from years ago 44. Does anyone disgust you? Hell yes 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? No 46. Are you in a good mood right now? Nope that's why I'm here! 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Boyfriend 48. What color shirt are you wearing? Black 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Many things.. 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? Hah i gave up a long time ago 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Nope 52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? Of course.. 53. Do you like rain? Like very rarely 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? No way as long as it's not an issue 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Uh usually I'm pretty up front but maybe once 56. Do you like to cuddle? Sure 57. Are you shy? I can be at times 58. Do you get along with girls? Eh somewhat 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? No no no lol 60. What do you carry with you at all times? Pills, water, and lipstick what more could you need? 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Fuck no 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? I have for years soo imma say yes 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Yes 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? I'm immune hahaha 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? Wut 66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 22, 22, 21 67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? Pau because i suck ass 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Ugh no neither 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? No 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? Lil Wayne 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? iPhone but I always change my mind :) 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? A month ago 73. Do you like diet soda? Ew nope nope nope 74. What color are the walls in your room? White 75. Are you 16 or older? Older 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? Yes 77. Do you have a job? Yes 78. What are your initials? KV 79. Did you ever have braces? NOPEE 80. Are you from the south? Unfortunately 81. What does your last status on facebook say? But who really uses Facebook anymore 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? Fuck no 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? Mom 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? Both 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? The goddamn spongebob movie Jesus Christ lmao 86. Do you smoke? Very occasionally 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Flip flops are my life but heels make you feel sexy ya know ya know? 88. Is your phone touch screen? Yes lol 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? Straight 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? Yes 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? Pool 92. Have you ever made out in a car? I don't think so 93. …Had sex in a car? Nah 94. Are you single or in a relationship? In a relationship 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? Having a good ass time :) 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? New Years 97. Do you like the camera on your phone? It's alrigghhhtt 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Yep 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? Yup 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? No I'm not into fake shit! 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Duh 102. Name your favorite Kesha song: Oh shit blah blah blah or your love is my drug 103. Do you have any tan lines right now? No white as 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? No thanks lol Byeeee

A Hard Year: Emergency Room

I left the ATM with a bit of cash which I figured I could afford to spend at my favorite coffee shop for dinner. This was a bit of a treat in February 2016--I wasn't eating enough, a problem I will examine in another post. I walked two miles to the Hard Times Cafe as the temperature fell.

Writing in my Moleskine has been a good way to organize my thoughts since I started directing. So while I was waiting for my food I just wrote what I had on my mind. I don't write free associations, but this entry has that feel about it.

The page wanders from instances of anxiety producing triggers in my life; some interpersonal difficulties I was facing in my living situation; a small meditation on film. One of the things that can happen in the real throes of anxiety seems to be valuable insight into a topic. There is a high degree of mental activity which can seem like an excess of clarity--like an over exposed photograph.

For a moment on this page I considered how music might inherently detract from film. The reasoning here is still very clear to me, something to return to. Basically the thinking goes that cinema is an art all its own, the addition of music or even dialogue, while perhaps powerful, also dilutes the medium. It hybridizes it, something perhaps problematic. This is something that's connected to many other thoughts I have on film as a medium and I think belies my interest in minimalism e.g. sound and music should only be deployed as little as needed in film.

I would like to come back to the idea, no doubt. In some way I'm sure I will. But my handwritten paragraph, rather than drawing a conclusion ended with the words "so fuck him." It's not even tangential like this reflection is. It's jumbled. The paragraph, the entire page, points to all sorts of things that were on my mind. It draws no conclusions.

One aside catches my attention though.

Only recently have I looked at the idea that "no one sees" and it's a deep yearning I feel. It was not something I merely wanted at the time, it underscores existence. The next morning I would live out the preceding description in this paragraph. I'd be alone.

February 13, 2016 I woke up at a friend's house, I slept on the couch because home wasn't where I wanted to be. That morning I had a meeting scheduled and I didn't make it. The temperature in Minneapolis that morning was -8 Fahrenheit and this was a problem. Unprotected and over used, my phone battery died again and again in the cold as I tried to reserve a Car2Go. I was running late, it was a Saturday, nothing was open and nothing worked. The batteries in a Smart Car struggle to start the engine in Minneapolis on a day like this.

Being in that kind of situation, constant failures and mental rerouting has a distinct feel to it. Wikipedia describes a diagnosis of a panic attack which includes the word "un-reality" and that is a true description. The thought in my head was "how is this possible?" It didn't seem like what was happening was remotely possible. Everything that I took for granted failed. My phone, the car, the stoplights didn't work, the streets seemed unnavigable. It's not bad luck and it's not first world problems at some point. And more than being self critical, there seemed to be no explanation of the situation I was in despite very real experience of it.

Eventually I was driving on I-94 toward St. Paul doing 80 and as the words in my head to describe whatever I was feeling at the moment failed me too. So I screamed and mugged. Trying to dead recon my way to where I was going, I pulled off the highway, got lost, and stopped near a BP.

I went in and asked to charge my phone. The answer was "no," and the guy at the gas station had probably seen a million crazier things than me at that moment. That's a problem too, I was holding myself to a standard of normality that required tremendous concentration. Shaking, I broke what might have been my last dollar into quarters and used a payphone outside in Minnesota's version of February to call my Dad, an analyst and LCSW. He cut through the noise and oncoming tears and told me to get to a hospital.

On this call a guy, Dave, asked me if I was okay. This was an unbelievably fortunate meeting. Looking back it is absolutely the kind of strange collision that killed the dinosaurs or welcomed the grief stricken mourners at the empty tomb of Christ. Dave asked me directly if I needed a ride someplace. I told my Dad I was going to get to a hospital and I hung up.

I pulled myself together as much as I could--any resolve must have been transparent--and said "uh, can you take me to a hospital." Dave took me to Regions Hospital and maybe I owe him my life.

Regions took good care of me. I've heard that the best way to get seen at the ER is to say you're bleeding and you move to the front of triage right away, but maybe saying you think you're having a panic attack works well too. They took my vitals, verifying the hypertension from the night before and pretty quick observation must've made diagnosis pretty easy. The doctors tell you who they are, there's two of them, then they ask you these questions:

"What brings you in today?"

And I said "I think I had a panic attack."

"Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself or others?"

And because if you're in that seat, being asked these questions, you do want to die you say "yes."

Then they ask if you've ingested any alcohol or drugs recently, and when your repression about the last days makes you clam up they tell you "we just need to know what we're dealing with." And you tell them the God's honest truth for what feels like the first time in your life even if ten seconds earlier was the first time you'd verbalized suicidal thoughts, and twenty minutes earlier you couldn't speak. The doctor said "I tried weed and didn't like it at all."

This was all good. It happened fast. And then things get a little less great and a lot more harsh reality. The hospital has some ward for emergency psychiatric issues, but it's not great. They take all your stuff and put it in a locked room while you change into scrubs. Then you get a room and a little later the worst cafeteria food ever, and they get your order wrong. But I hadn't eaten really at all. So I ate the chicken and peas.

This ward was actually in disrepair. They were building a new one, so maintenance wasn't a priority. But I had my own room with no windows and very beige walls and some stock photo of a palm tree bolted to the wall. There absolutely is a camera in there. And they check on you.

I know I was not the worst case in the hospital. At one point I heard a nurse remind the guy in the room next to me that he'd pulled a knife on a guy outside a bar last night. He denied it. But I think I was very high on their priority list because they had identified me as a suicide risk. Although by this point I felt like I'd seen too much to even try it.

So a doctor met with me pretty quick.

"We can give you a 'chill pill' that'll knock you out for a while," he offered. We talked about a bunch of things, but I didn't want medication like that. It seemed like it'd just be another blow. Then they tell you what they want to do. They wanted to move me "upstairs" as soon as they could, but this meant waiting in the room overnight. They didn't have the space or the doctors to make that happen.

The doctor also outlined other options for observation. In that situation the options really sound like the end of your ability to have any control in your life. I really didn't want to give up what little control I had over my life at that point. It's seemed like a misconception that being in even a pretty laissez-faire institution would be desirable. I could have my thoughts, but maybe not have control over my food. In other situations maybe that seems like a huge boon, like you wouldn't have to worry about living, but some pretty basic functions were the limits of my control and I didn't want to give them up. I thought about it though.

At some point I made a few phone calls. I called my work, told them I was in the emergency room and that they'd have to find some way of making coffee without me. I don't know if they could've guessed what'd happened. I feel like they had some idea. I called my parents and told them I made it to the hospital.

Then I waited for hours to be seen by a social worker. Apparently she described my looks as "he looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin." Basically I just lay in the bed. My cousin came by, she would help me immensely over the coming weeks.

In the end though they can't keep you in the ER when you ask to leave. But they will write a prescription for lorazepam to keep you from coming back in. I'll talk more about lorazapam in another soon, but it stops a panic attack like a freight train. This is the only time they'll just hand you this pill and basically tell you to stay doped up on it for as long as the prescription runs.

The hospital pays for a taxi. And this taxi driver was exactly the kind of over masculine, I work out, hot girlfriend, meathead I could barely deal with. I sat there next to the patriarchy for a little while.

I got home and made a few more calls. At this point there was also an early warning sign of things to come between me and one of my roommates. We got pizza and, couched in concern for me, he said "you've gotta go home, dude." And that's really hard to hear when your life is in this city and except for the last 12 hours you feel self sufficient. When I could think about it more rationally, my entire system of support was in Minneapolis--family, a therapist, hospitals, my job--and I wasn't about to abandon it to be home. And I hated Minneapolis. So it was a dubious claim. In hindsight this conversation began to make me unsure of myself in how I handled day to day situations and planted seeds of personal attacks that eventually did push me out of the house.

Ultimately I did the best I could. Eventually I did what I had to. Somewhere in there were some fuck-ups too.

On February 14, 2016 I was pretty doped up--lorazepam. But looking at the scribbles from two nights earlier, the beginnings of the effect the lorazepam has are clear. My writing was straight, pragmatic, to the point, and fiercely linear albeit a little more open than I like.

I've excerpted the entire page.