I feel I'm rubbish at these, cos I don't give prompts, it's more a collection of words like "HangMatt, with lingerie maybe" *shrug emoji* 😉 Oooooh! Would you ever consider more details on the Hangman Matt experiments?? 🥺

Look So Good Underneath Me - also on AO3

~

Adam decides to try a new one of his experiments with Matt, and decides on pink panties. It backfires. Deliciously.

~

Jules I need you to be aware that this is ENTIRELY your fault. This prompt isn't rubbish, it's pure GOLD. Thank you! Title from Pink G-String by Scene Queen.

~

“I have a present for you,” Adam says once Matt picks up the phone. He lights up immediately.

“A present?” he asks. “What kind? Can I see?”

“Not until Dynamite,” Adam says, fighting his own grin. “You gotta wait.”

Matt huffs. “This is one of your stupid experiments again, isn’t it. Is this like the time you bought me a neon orange butt plug and had me wear it the night we won the six-man tags in Ring of Honor? Is this a throwback?”

Adam throws his head back and laughs. “Oh, my god, no. But we should revisit that. That was good.”

“But it is an experiment,” Matt says, and when Adam turns his eyes back to his phone screen, even FaceTime can’t hide Matt’s interest. “Right?”

“Maybe,” Adam singsongs. “Maybe I just want to get something pretty for my boyfriend.”

“So it’s something pretty!” Matt says, like he solved some sort of puzzle. “Just tell me.”

“Nope,” Adam says. “You have to wait.”

Matt groans, sounding like Adam’s high schoolers would get when he’d tell them they couldn’t skip any more classes or they’d fail. “Is this like the edging thing you did back before the pandemic that backfired?”

Adam frowns. “No. God. Why would you remind me of that disaster?”

“If I’m miserable, you’re miserable,” Matt says, with a grin.

“What a horrible line,” Adam laughs. “I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you,” Matt clarifies. “But you’re being mean to me so I figured I’d give it back to you.”

“Cute,” Adam says. “Very cute. I wish you were here so I could fuck that smug little smile off of you. I’ll have to wait until Wednesday, though.”

Matt turns pink. “Miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby,” Adam murmurs. “I’ll see you soon. Two days, okay?”

“Two days,” Matt confirms. “Love you.”

“I love you more.”

Adam hangs up and has to shove his face in a pillow with the stupid, fluffy feeling building in his chest. It’s been months back with Matt, and before that years with and without him, and he still gets all dumb about him.

When he’s finally gotten his shit together and has stopped mooning over his boyfriend, Adam grabs the box he’d ordered and pulls out the pink lacy thong, neon and so flimsy it’s almost pointless.

The sight of it alone, the image of what Matt might look like wearing it, is enough to get him hard. He gets off looking at a photo of Matt, and curling the lacy fabric in his free hand.

~

“Hi!”

Adam turns to see a familiar flurry barreling toward him and leaping into his arms.

“Hey, baby,” he says, hugging Matt close. Matt’s legs around his waist feel like home. “It’s only been a couple days, you really miss me that much?”

“Uh-huh,” Matt says, burying his face into Adam’s neck. He sighs. “Plus you did the teasy thing again with the present, and now that I see you, I know I’m gonna get it.”

“Oh, you’re gonna get it alright,” Adam says, sliding his hand up Matt’s thigh.

“For the love of god, not in the airport.”

Adam brushes some of Matt’s hair out of the way. “Oh! Hi, Nick.”

“Hey,” Nick nods. “Can you put my brother down, please?”

Matt lets out a long suffering sigh as he slides down Adam’s body to the floor. “You ruin the fun, Nicky.”

“I ruin the public indecency charges.” Nick hits Matt in the back with his own backpack. “Grab your stuff so we can all get to the hotel and I can have some peace away from you two heathens.”

“Heathens, schmeathens,” Matt says, rolling his eyes as he grabs his backpack and Adam’s hand. “I’m not the one who was checking out Billy Gunn’s ass last week.”

“Really!” Adam says. “Nick, do you have a thing for Billy?”

“Shut up, Matt,” Nick grumbles. He won’t meet Adam’s eyes. “Matt, you said you wouldn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, but it’s Adam,” Matt says, like the name alone gives context. “You know. We tell him everything.”

“You tell him everything,” Nick corrects, shaking his head with a little smile on his face. “I try to keep a little mystery going.”

~

It’s a whirlwind to get back to the hotel, and they end up with less time than Adam had hoped to get ready. He’s in the middle of unpacking when Matt shuffles past him with his carryon thrown over his shoulder. Always the performer.

“You know you don’t have to show off the biceps all the time for me to think you’re hot, right?”

Matt throws a grin over his shoulder. “Yeah, but it’s fun.” He unzips his bag, and Adam is…concerned.

“Oh,” Adam says, blinking. “The white gear.”

“Yeah,” Matt says, taking the white gear and putting it carefully into his venue bag. “I thought you like the white gear.”

Adam bites his lip. “Oh, I do. I definitely do. I just, uh,” he turns around to go to his checked luggage, and pulls out the poorly wrapped gift. “Here. Open it.”

Matt’s brow furrows. “Oh, I know what this is.”

“You do?” Adam asks. “How?”

Matt locks his eyes on Adam’s as he rips it open, pulls out the box, and pulls out the panties. “Because you’re predictable, Adam.” He grins. “You’ve always liked me in pink.”

“Okay, see, but who wouldn’t?” He crowds into Matt’s space until Matt’s back hits the wall. He brushes some of Matt’s hair over his shoulder, careful to graze his fingers against Matt’s neck, just to make his shiver. He leans in, lips at Matt’s ear. “You look so good in it.”

Matt exhales. “Why are you doing this to me when we have to be at the venue in twenty minutes?” he whispers.

“Because I like it when you get riled up.”

Matt laughs. “So predictable.” But he’s breathing a little heavily, his eyes are a little blown, and he can’t stop looking at Adam’s mouth. “I – do you want me to wear this under my gear? Because, well, Nick and I thought white gear because it goes with everything, but we also brought something else.” Matt steps away from Adam and reaches into his bag.

“The purple and black and white would definitely make it harder to see the thong through the clothes.” Adam licks his lips. “Then it’s just you and me who know. Maybe I’ll snap at it a little during the match, just to remind you.”

“Okay, seriously, this is just mean,” Matt says, and he folds his arms across his chest. “You better get me really good after Rampage. I don’t care how tired I am.”

Adam tilts his head. “I – what?”

“You heard me,” Matt says, sliding a leg between Adam’s. “You’re gonna rail me so hard after tonight’s match, when we win those belts back, it’ll be like we’re back in our Ring of Honor days.”

Adam blinks. “That might be the most dominant you’ve ever been, and it’s begging me to fuck you. You’re an enigma, baby.”

Matt is snippy and on edge the whole night, and Adam fights the urge to laugh when Kenny says, “Jesus, what crawled up your ass.” Matt huffs and glares at Adam.

“Are you two in a fight?” Nick asks. “Because if you two are in a fight, I’ll be forced to kill you if we don’t win tonight. I don’t want to commit murder.”

“We’re not fighting,” Adam says, and his expression is apparently not blank enough because Nick groans.

“Jesus, you two,” but at least he’s laughing. “Don’t even tell me. Just,” he turns to Matt, “be normal for the match.”

“I am normal!”

“Are not.”

“Are too!”

“Okay,” Adam says, stepping between the two of them before they get each other riled up in the bad way. “Why don’t we all get back to the locker room and start getting ready, yeah?”

“I’ll see you three later,” Kenny says, eyes not leaving the screen next to Tony. “I don’t want to miss anything.”

It’s early to get ready, with Rampage just starting, but Adam would rather Nick and Matt be bitchy in private than to gather an audience.

“I don’t know why I got dragged in here,” Nick says, rolling his eyes.

“Because Matt’s bitchy and you were goading him,” Adam explains.

“Yeah, Nick –”

“Nope,” Adam says, shoving him into a chair. “Not on your side, baby.” He takes the moment to loom over Matt, who goes all giant eyed and soft. He adds the next sentence in a whisper. “Be good.”

Matt nods. “Okay.”

“I’d say teach me how to do that,” Nick says, flopping into a chair, “but I think that would be gross.”

Adam laughs. “No shit, Sherlock.”

They watch the rest of the show as they slowly pull their gear on. Nick is rambling about shoes while Matt stays extremely close to Adam.

“Matt, I’m not gonna fuck you until after the match,” Adam murmurs, disguising it with a kiss to Matt’s temple.

“Why not?”

“We have, like, twenty minutes before we have to be at gorilla.”

Matt gets this little smile on his face. “Well –”

“No!” Adam laughs. He falls onto the couch next to Matt and grabs him around the waist. “God, you’re the worst.”

“You both suck pretty bad right now,” says Nick, but he’s smiling down at his phone, so Adam thinks it’s not too bad. He resists the urge to ask if it’s Billy.

“I gotta go put on my gear,” Matt says, and he winks at Adam. When he gets his things out of his bag, Adam feels a shiver run up his spine when he spots a hint of neon pink. From where he’s bent over, Matt flashes him a grin that makes Adam rock hard in seconds.

“Fuck,” he mutters, and he realizes far later than he should have that, as much as this experiment messes with Matt, it’ll mess with him, too.

~

Adam thinks the universe is an absolute dickwad by sending Swerve out in the middle of his match with Matt. He’s able to focus when he gets flashes of pink, so slight and so infrequently he’s sure no one else can see it. But it powers him, and it focuses him, and it reminds him why he’s here.

He catches the pink in the corner of his eye right before he pins Cage.

“We did it!” Matt says, breathless and grinning, belt in his hands as he walks backstage. “We won!”

“We did,” Adam laughs, and he’s not doing the best job of staying in the moment, stuck on Swerve and what he might do next. “Holy shit, we did.”

“Hey,” Matt says firmly. “Focus on right now.” He raises his belt and bumps it with Adam’s, and it feels like a promise. “We did it.”

Nick barrels in. “Not to interrupt the love fest, but Hung Bucks champs for life!” He throws his arms around the both of them, and they stumble their way into a wall. Adam’s happy, the kind of soul expanding, deep, long term happy he only feels around Matt, around Nick, around his friends.

The way he used to feel around the Dark Order. But he’s going to listen to Matt. And he’ll focus on right now.

Still tangled with both Bucks, Adam pulls back a little and grins, locking eyes with Matt as he slides his hand down Matt’s back, just under the hem of his pants, and snaps the waistband of the panties.

Matt looks deliciously scandalized, the pink across his cheeks and the smile making it very clear where his mind went.

“Okay,” Nick laughs. “Let’s get backstage to the –”

“Oh, no you don’t.” Tony practically stomps over to them. “I need you two – not you, Adam, unless you want to, I guess – to help coordinate Ubers and Lyfts for some of the talent.”

 Matt blinks. “Why?”

“Because it’s much later than we usually wrap up Rampage and it feels like, I don’t know, wrong to have everybody just try their best to find a ride back to the hotel when it’s past midnight.” He wrinkles his nose. “And I have to talk to the owner of this place about how, no, the blood isn’t going to bring a bad reputation to the place.” He gives Nick a look. “Unless you want to do the political work.”

“I will begin setting up Uber and Lyft rides as long as you never threaten me with politics again,” Nick says. “Come on you, two. Adam, you can talk on a phone, right?”

“Literally no,” Adam says. “Like, anxious millennial is my whole vibe.”

“Deal with it,” Nick says, and he grabs Adam and Matt by the wrists and yanks them over to a quieter space.

Adam makes so many phone calls. So many. Matt, next to him, is chattering away with a big smile, and the tiny hint of pink peeking out from the back of his pants is enough to make Adam’s brain fry.

They go on like this for twenty full minutes, call after call to coordinate between people. The worst is giving specific Uber and Lyft codes out to talent until they can barely read numbers, until Tony comes back from his meeting with a smile.

“You three,” he says, pointing to them, “are godsends. The owner of this place figured out what was happening and thought that we could use that to combat any blood related PR for the night, so no more worries about the way things look.” He exhales. “Go back to the locker rooms, get ready to go. They’re giving us an extra forty-five minutes to clean up and give you time to get yourselves together.”

“Great,” Adam says, blood suddenly no longer in his head. “Wonderful.”

“I’m heading back to the hotel now,” Nick says, typing on his phone. “I can shower there. I’m beat.”

Adam laughs, almost accidentally. “Come on, Matty, let’s go clean up.”

Nick goes with them to get his gear, and Adam’s so hard he’s getting dizzy. Matt can’t even know how the way he bends over flashes the tiniest hint of pink every time, how Adam can tell, through the pants, Matt’s in a thong that Adam bought for him. For some ungodly reason, Matt pulls on a tee shirt. A shirt. He’s covering up that perfect body more.

Adam feels like a dick, but he tries to silently will Nick to pack faster.

Matt yawns a little, stretching enough to reveal another flash of pink, and Adam snaps.

“Nick,” he says, voice sounding tight. “Need help packing?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Nick says. He throws his bag over his shoulder. “You guys wanna get Denny’s or something?”

Matt opens his mouth, but Adam barrels over him. “Nah, we’re good.” He shoots Matt a look that he hopes conveys ‘stop talking so I can fuck you into oblivion.’ “We’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Nick narrows his eyes, studying Adam’s face, and Adam tries to stay as neutral as possible. “If you end up on the news tomorrow for whatever this,” he waves his hand, “energy is, I’m not bailing you out.”

“Deal,” Adam says. “Fine. See you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.”

Nick’s still laughing as the door swings shut behind him.

“What is up with –”

Adam doesn’t give Matt the time to speak. He collides with Matt, grabbing at his shirt, ripping it at the hem at his haste to get it off.

“Mine,” he growls against Math’s mouth as he kisses him.

“Oh!” Matt yelps. “Oh, yes, love this.”

Adam shoves Matt against the wall, leaning in to suck a bruise into Matt’s neck, down his shoulder. Matt hums into it.

“I kind of liked that shirt,” he pants. “You ripped it.”

“Yeah?” Adam asks. He grabs at Matt’s thighs and lifts him. “Deal with it, baby, I’m gonna wreck a lot more.”

Matt lets out this delighted, high pitched little whine. “God, took you long enough.”

Adam drops Matt on the massage table, scrabbling at the waistband of Matt’s gear pants. He grabs Matt’s hand and pins it to he massage table when he tries to help, and Matt exhales.

“God, yes,” Matt exhales. “I love it when you get this way.”

“You in those fuckin’ panties,” Adam grumbles, roughly yanking Matt’s gear pants down. He lets go of Matt’s hand, needing an assist, and Matt reaches above his head to grab at the top of the table.

“Yeah?” Matt asks, lifting his hips so Adam can yank the pants down. “You like them a lot?”

“I can’t stand them,” Adam says, and he doesn’t even take the time to take the panties off. He leans in, mouths at Matt’s dick through the lace, and the whine that comes out of Matt is almost enough to make Adam come in his pants.

“Adam,” Matt gasps. “Oh – take ‘em off, now, I need you to fuck me immediately.”

Adam pulls back, grinning. “Did you just swear?”

Matt pushes up on his elbows. “Did you just stop?”

“Fair point.” Adam pulls back and locks his eyes on Matt as he walks back to the bags.

“Why are you leaving?” Matt asks, breathing so hard Adam can see the movement. “Come back.”

“Gotta get lube, baby,” Adam says, grinning. He slides his hand in his bag, and it’s right in the front pocket, in the ziplock one quart baggie that made the TSA agent blush. He flicks the bottle open with one thumb, and Matt drops back with a thud against the massage table.

Adam gets back to Matt and unbuckles his pants as fast as he can, his cock springing from his boxers when he shoves them down his hips. It’s almost a relief. He grabs Matt’s legs, yanking him half off the table.

“Yes,” Matt says. “Yes, now, anything.”

Adam laughs, and it sounds a little dark to his own ears. “Slow down baby, we gotta get you nice and open first.”

Matt whines, one of Adam’s favorite sounds, and throws his legs over Adam’s shoulders without another request. Adam presses a kiss to the inside of his thigh. “I gotta take these off first.”

“Okay,” Matt says, but Adam stops him before he moves his legs. Adam leans in and carefully grabs the band around Matt’s thighs with his teeth, dragging them down a thigh. It’s harder than he would have expected, but with a little help from his hands, the panties are gone. He shifts, ducking so he can yank them off and throw them somewhere in the room.

“You have no idea how hot that was,” Matt pants. “Get in me.”

“Hold on,” Adam laughs, turning to bite at the soft skin of Matt’s thigh. He drips lube on his fingers and watches, rapt, as he traces Matt’s hole for a second, listening to Matt’s pained whimpers.

“Adam, please.” He sounds like he’s near to tears. “I can’t wait any more. Please.”

Adam slides a finger inside of Matt, and it’s so easy, like he’s made to fit inside of Matt. Matt exhales and his body relaxes.

“Not enough,” he gasps, “but better.”

Adam grins as he works in another finger, Matt pleading for more as each twist of his fingers presses up against his prostate. With the third, Matt’s heels press into Adam’s shoulders so firmly Adam’s pretty sure there will be a mark.

“I’m ready, and you know it,” Matt bitches. “I want it now.”

Adam drops Matt down, grip iron on Matt’s thighs, until he’s at the right angle. Like this, he can pull Matt down on his dick, the leverage so perfect it feels impossible.

“Oh, god, yes,” Matt groans. “That’s – holy fuck.”

“Two fucks in one night,” Adam quips, finally clearheaded now that his dick is buried in Matt, “what a surprise.”

“I could go for two in one night,” Matt says, and he uses those obscene biceps and a grip on the table to fuck himself on Adam’s dick. “Back at the hotel?”

“Focus on getting railed right now, Matthew, Jesus,” Adam laughs, but he can’t stop smiling. It’s been years since they started doing this, months since they fell back together, and it’s still this good. He still can’t get enough of Matt’s attempts to keep a conversation going, of the way Matt yanks him down for a kiss, the way he’ll grab at Adam’s hand even when it’s impossible to hold hands.

“I love you,” Adam says, “just wanna make sure you know.”

“I know,” Matt says, eyes fluttering closed as Adam adjusts the pace and the angle. “I – know, Adam, I love you too. I wanna come soon, please?”

“You asking permission now?” Adam chuckles. “That something you might wanna try? Me saying no?”

“Not today, but yes,” Matt says. He’s got his teeth sunk down in that pretty pink lip of his, and Adam has to lean in and kiss it, just for the moment. He taps Matt’s leg to make sure he hooks it right around Adam’s waist, then moves his hand, still slick, to wrap around Matt’s cock. Matt whimpers when Adam keeps his grip lose and not quite what he wanted. He was tortured earlier with knowing all of this was covered in pretty pink. Matt can get a little teasing too. Only, he realizes, as he loosens his grip even further, now he’s thinking about those panties, and what Matt would look like in another pair, and his brain is flames again.

“Matt,” Adam laughs, a bit delirious, “fuck, I think this experiment backfired.”

“I disagree,” and he sounds far too put together. Adam picks up the pace of both his hand and his thrusts. “I – oh my god, right like that – think it proved that I look good in panties, right?”

“Yeah, of course you do. But I think it fucked with me more than it fucked with you.” He digs his fingers into Matt’s thighs, tightens his grip on Matt’s cock. “God, I want to be inside you all the time. Next time I’m fucking you with the panties on.”

“Yes,” Matt whines. “Yeah, get – get me all kinds of colors, rip ‘em off me.”

Adam isn’t used to feeling this, like he needs to fuck Matt and won’t settle until he does, like being hilt deep in the man is the only thing that will keep him stable. He may have accidentally edged himself, which he didn’t realize was possible to do. “Anything,” he growls in Matt’s ear, and he bites at Matt’s thigh. Matt gasps.

“If me in undies does this to you, I should have gotten some sooner,” Matt laughs breathlessly. But the laughter fades quickly as Adam fucks into him like his life depends on it. “I – just like – this is different – don’t you dare change anything or I’ll – yes!” Matt comes spectacularly, so emphatically it gets up on Adam’s chin, and it’s enough to make Adam’s head spin with how he’s the one who made this happen. He’s the one who gets to see Matt like this, who gets to fuck him, who gets to love him, who gets every perfect and messy piece of him.

When he comes, he wonders if he’s allow to start thinking about proposing again.

“Jesus,” Adam says, exhaling as he pushes Matt back up the massage table. He drops his elbows down on the massage table, dropping his forehead on Matt’s messy belly.

Matt laughs, hands sliding into Adam’s hair, gently stroking. “Yeah,” he sighs. “I’m glad we have our own room. Think how weird it would have been to do it in the locker room when anyone could walk in.”

Adam raises his head. “You say weird, but I think you mean hot.”

“Of course I mean hot, but I’m trying to be a normal person.”

“Nope,” Adam says, and he presses a kiss right above Matt’s belly button. “Not allowed to be normal. If you were normal, you wouldn’t be Matt.”

They kiss and touch and gently wash in their private shower. Adam shares his shampoo with Matt and tries not to think of how it’ll make Matt smell like him, how it’ll make everything that much more difficult for him to manage knowing Matt feels even more like his.

They stumble out of the showers naked, drying off together, and dress with the slowest hands and most wandering eyes.

Adam thinks they’re in the clear, for once. Most of the roster is long gone, Nick’s at the hotel. Tony’s probably packing up. They might have time to waste. He and Matt are giggling at each other, hands all over each other like they’re in high school behind bleachers, packing up their stuff, when the door swings open.

“Any of you EVP guys got a – the fuck is that?”

“Is what?” Matt asks, and his expression is so clearly feigning innocence that it’s almost embarrassing.

Mox laughs, nodding to the corner of the locker room by the showers. “I bet those are yours, Jackson. You always look so good in pink.”

Adam’s and Matt’s heads snap over to – yup. Matt’s panties are still in the corner.

“Oh,” Matt says, biting his lip. He looks over to Mox, and Adam can see the way he steels himself. “Yeah, they are. And I do look good in them. You’re right about something.”

Adam thinks his own astonishment is reflected by Mox’s face. “Oh,” Mox says. “Okay. Yeah, didn’t see you admitting to it so easily. Damn.” He scans Matt’s body, then his gaze flickers to Adam. “You ever want a third, you got my number.”

“What?” Adam asks. “I thought you hated me.”

Mox laughs so hard and for so long it gives Matt the time to grab the panties from the corner of the room and stuff them back in his venue bag. “Oh, dude, no.” He shakes his head. “You think I would put myself in the position to get my hands all over the two of you in matches because I hate you?” He chuckles, almost condescending. “Jesus, you’re stupid. I love it.”

“What did you even come in here for?” Matt asks, planting his hands on his hips. He’s got a that little blush back, high on his cheeks. Adam knows what that means.

“I figured one of you two would have a phone charger.” He wiggles a gigantic brick in his hand. “Only room in the building with a light still behind it.”

Matt scoffs. “I have a charger, but maybe not for something that ancient.”

“It’s got a lightning plug!”

Adam snorts. “Sounds like a butt plug brand.”

“That is not a butt plug brand,” Mox says, at the same time Matt goes, “I’d buy from them.”

Adam watches the two of them lock eyes, and that blush rises up Matt’s cheeks even deeper red. But, Adam notes, it’s matched by one on Mox’s cheeks. “Okay, well, if you two are done eye fucking, we can find you a charger.” Adam decides to keep the idea that just popped into his head safe for later, when he and Matt are alone.

“We weren’t – we didn’t –” Matt looks over at Adam, panicked, but settles at Adam’s grin.

“Yeah, we were, baby doll, and I think he liked it.” Mox winks at Matt, then Adam. “So. Where’s that charger?”

~

Mini Playlist:

Pink G-String - Scene Queen

Thong Song - Sisqo

Do Me - Kim Petras

3 - Britney Spears

fran missed cc while she was away she just wishes she could tell her

The Confession of a Passionate Heart - In Anecdote

"I was leading a wild life then. Father said just now that I spent several thousand roubles in seducing young girls. That's a swinish invention, and there was nothing of the sort. And if there was, I didn't need money simply for that. With me money is an accessory, the overflow of my heart, the framework. To-day she would be my lady, to-morrow a wench out of the streets in her place. I entertained them both. I threw away money by the handful on music, rioting, and Gypsies. Sometimes I gave it to the ladies, too, for they'll take it greedily, that must be admitted, and be pleased and thankful for it. Ladies used to be fond of me: not all of them, but it happened, it happened. But I always liked side-paths, little dark back-alleys behind the main road - there one finds adventures and surprises, and precious metal in the dirt. I am speaking figuratively, brother. In the town I was in, there were no such back-alleys in the literal sense, but morally there were. If you were like me, you'd know what that means. I loved vice, I loved the ignominy of vice. I loved cruelty; am I not a bug, am I not a noxious insect? In fact a Karamazov! Once we went, a whole lot of us, for a picnic, in seven sledges. It was dark, it was winter, and I began squeezing a girl's hand, and forced her to kiss me. She was the daughter of an official, a sweet, gentle, submissive creature. She allowed me, she allowed me much in the dark. She thought, poor thing, that I should come next day to make her an offer (I was looked upon as a good match, too). But I didn't say a word to her for five months. I used to see her in a corner at dances (we were always having dances), her eyes watching me. I saw how they glowed with fire - a fire of gentle indignation. This game only tickled that insect lust I cherished in my soul. Five months later she married an official and left the town, still angry, and still, perhaps, in love with me. Now they live happily. Observe that I told no one. I didn't boast of it. Though I'm full of low desires, and love what's low, I'm not dishonourable. You're blushing; your eyes flashed. Enough of this filth with you. And all this was nothing much - wayside blossoms a la Paul de Kock- though the cruel insect had already grown strong in my soul. I've a perfect album of reminiscences, brother. God bless them, the darlings. I tried to break it off without quarrelling. And I never gave them away, I never bragged of one of them. But that's enough. You can't suppose I brought you here simply to talk of such nonsense. No, I'm going to tell you something more curious; and don't be surprised that I'm glad to tell you, instead of being ashamed." "You say that because I blushed," Alyosha said suddenly. "I wasn't blushing at what you were saying or at what you've done. I blushed because I am the same as you are." "You? Come, that's going a little too far!" "No, it's not too far," said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a new one). "The ladder's the same. I'm at the bottom step, and you're above, somewhere about the thirteenth. That's how I see it. But it's all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Anyone on the bottom step is bound to go up to the top one." "Then one ought not to step on at all." "Anyone who can help it had better not." "But can you?" "I think not." "Hush, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so. That rogue Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that she'd devour you one day. There, there, I won't! From this field of corruption fouled by flies, let's pass to my tragedy, also befouled by flies, that is, by every sort of vileness. Although the old man told lies about my seducing innocence, there really was something of the sort in my tragedy, though it was only once, and then it did not come off. The old man who has reproached me with what never happened does not even know of this fact; I never told anyone about it. You're the first, except Ivan, of course - Ivan knows everything. He knew about it long before you. But Ivan's a tomb." "Ivan's a tomb?" Alyosha listened with great attention. "I was lieutenant in a line regiment, but still I was under supervision, like a kind of convict. Yet I was awfully well received in the little town. I spent money right and left. I was thought to be rich; I thought so myself. But I must have pleased them in other ways as well. Although they shook their heads over me, they liked me. My colonel, who was an old man, took a sudden dislike to me. He was always down upon me, but I had powerful friends, and, moreover, all the town was on my side, so he couldn't do me much harm. I was in fault myself for refusing to treat him with proper respect. I was proud. This obstinate old fellow, who was really a very good sort, kind-hearted and hospitable, had had two wives, both dead. His first wife, who was of a humble family, left a daughter as unpretentious as herself. She was a young woman of four and twenty when I was there, and was living with her father and an aunt, her mother's sister. The aunt was simple and illiterate; the niece was simple but lively. I like to say nice things about people. I never knew a woman of more charming character than Agafya - fancy, her name was Agafya Ivanovna! And she wasn't bad-looking either, in the Russian style: tall, stout, with a full figure, and beautiful eyes, though a rather coarse face. She had not married, although she had had two suitors. She refused them, but was as cheerful as ever. I was intimate with her, not in 'that' way, it was pure friendship. I have often been friendly with women quite innocently. I used to talk to her with shocking frankness, and she only laughed. Many woman like such freedom, and she was a girl too, which made it very amusing. Another thing, one could never think of her as a young lady. She and her aunt lived in her father's house with a sort of voluntary humility, not putting themselves on an equality with other people. She was a general favourite, and of use of everyone, for she was a clever dressmaker. She had a talent for it. She gave her services freely without asking for payment, but if anyone offered her payment, she didn't refuse. The colonel, of course, was a very different matter. He was one of the chief personages in the district. He kept open house, entertained the whole town, gave suppers and dances. At the time I arrived and joined the battalion, all the town was talking of the expected return of the colonel's second daughter, a great beauty, who had just left a fashionable school in the capital. This second daughter is Katerina Ivanovna, and she was the child of the second wife, who belonged to a distinguished general's family; although, as I learnt on good authority, she too brought the colonel no money. She had connections, and that was all. There may have been expectations, but they had come to nothing. "Yet, when the young lady came from boarding-school on a visit, the whole town revived. Our most distinguished ladies - two 'Excellencies' and a colonel's wife - and all the rest following their lead, at once took her up and gave entertainments in her honour. She was the belle of the balls and picnics, and they got up tableaux vivants in aid of distressed governesses. I took no notice, I went on as wildly as before, and one of my exploits at the time set all the town talking. I saw her eyes taking my measure one evening at the battery commander's, but I didn't go up to her, as though I disdained her acquaintance. I did go up and speak to her at an evening party not long after. She scarcely looked at me, and compressed her lips scornfully. 'Wait a bit. I'll have my revenge,' thought I. I behaved like an awful fool on many occasions at that time, and I was conscious of it myself. What made it worse was that I felt that 'Katenka' was not an innocent boarding-school miss, but a person of character, proud and really high-principled; above all, she had education and intellect, and I had neither. You think I meant to make her an offer? No, I simply wanted to revenge myself, because I was such a hero and she didn't seem to feel it. "Meanwhile, I spent my time in drink and riot, till the lieutenant-colonel put me under arrest for three days. Just at that time father sent me six thousand roubles in return for my sending him a deed giving up all claims upon him - settling our accounts, so to speak, and saying that I wouldn't expect anything more. I didn't understand a word of it at the time. Until I came here, Alyosha, till the last few days, indeed, perhaps even now, I haven't been able to make head or tail of my money affairs with father. But never mind that, we'll talk of it later. "Just as I received the money, I got a letter from a friend telling me something that interested me immensely. The authorities, I learnt, were dissatisfied with our lieutenant-colonel. He was suspected of irregularities; in fact, his enemies were preparing a surprise for him. And then the commander of the division arrived, and kicked up the devil of a shindy. Shortly afterwards he was ordered to retire. I won't tell you how it all happened. He had enemies certainly. Suddenly there was a marked coolness in the town towards him and all his family. His friends all turned their backs on him. Then I took my first step. I met Agafya Ivanovna, with whom I'd always kept up a friendship, and said, 'Do you know there's a deficit of 4500 roubles of government money in your father's accounts?' "'What do you mean? What makes you say so? The general was here not long ago, and everything was all right.' "'Then it was, but now it isn't.' "She was terribly scared. "'Don't frighten me!' she said. 'Who told you so?' "'Don't be uneasy,' I said, 'I won't tell anyone. You know I'm as silent as the tomb. I only wanted, in view of "possibilities," to add, that when they demand that 4500 roubles from your father, and he can't produce it, he'll be tried, and made to serve as a common soldier in his old age, unless you like to send me your young lady secretly. I've just had money paid me. I'll give her four thousand, if you like, and keep the secret religiously.' "'Ah, you scoundrel!' - that's what she said. 'You wicked scoundrel! How dare you!' "She went away furiously indignant, while I shouted after her once more that the secret should be kept sacred. Those two simple creatures, Agafya and her aunt, I may as well say at once, behaved like perfect angels all through this business. They genuinely adored their 'Katya,' thought her far above them, and waited on her, hand and foot. But Agafya told her of our conversation. I found that out afterwards. She didn't keep it back, and of course that was all I wanted. "Suddenly the new major arrived to take command of the battalion. The old lieutenant-colonel was taken ill at once, couldn't leave his room for two days, and didn't hand over the government money. Dr. Kravchenko declared that he really was ill. But I knew for a fact, and had known for a long time, that for the last four years the money had never been in his hands except when the Commander made his visits of inspection. He used to lend it to a trustworthy person, a merchant of our town called Trifonov, an old widower, with a big beard and gold-rimmed spectacles. He used to go to the fair, do a profitable business with the money, and return the whole sum to the colonel, bringing with it a present from the fair, as well as interest on the loan. But this time (I heard all about it quite by chance from Trifonov's son and heir, a drivelling youth and one of the most vicious in the world) - this time, I say, Trifonov brought nothing back from the fair. The lieutenant-colonel flew to him. 'I've never received any money from you, and couldn't possibly have received any.' That was all the answer he got. So now our lieutenant-colonel is confined to the house, with a towel round his head, while they're all three busy putting ice on it. All at once an orderly arrives on the scene with the book and the order to 'hand over the battalion money immediately, within two hours.' He signed the book (I saw the signature in the book afterwards), stood up, saying he would put on his uniform, ran to his bedroom, loaded his double-barrelled gun with a service bullet, took the boot off his right foot, fixed the gun against his chest, and began feeling for the trigger with his foot. But Agafya, remembering what I had told her, had her suspicions. She stole up and peeped into the room just in time. She rushed in, flung herself upon him from behind, threw her arms round him, and the gun went off, hit the ceiling, but hurt no one. The others ran in, took away the gun, and held him by the arms. I heard all about this afterwards. I was at home, it was getting dusk, and I was just preparing to go out. I had dressed, brushed my hair, scented my handkerchief, and taken up my cap, when suddenly the door opened, and facing me in the room stood Katerina Ivanovna. "It's strange how things happen sometimes. No one had seen her in the street, so that no one knew of it in the town. I lodged with two decrepit old ladies, who looked after me. They were most obliging old things, ready to do anything for me, and at my request were as silent afterwards as two cast-iron posts. Of course I grasped the position at once. She walked in and looked straight at me, her dark eyes determined, even defiant, but on her lips and round mouth I saw uncertainty. "'My sister told me,' she began, 'that you would give me 4500 roubles if I came to you for it - myself. I have come... give me the money!' "She couldn't keep it up. She was breathless, frightened, her voice failed her, and the corners of her mouth and the lines round it quivered. Alyosha, are you listening, or are you asleep?" "Mitya, I know you will tell the whole truth, said Alyosha in agitation. "I am telling it. If I tell the whole truth just as it happened I shan't spare myself. My first idea was a - Karamazov one. Once I was bitten by a centipede, brother, and laid up a fortnight with fever from it. Well, I felt a centipede biting at my heart then - a noxious insect, you understand? I looked her up and down. You've seen her? She's a beauty. But she was beautiful in another way then. At that moment she was beautiful because she was noble, and I was a scoundrel; she in all the grandeur of her generosity and sacrifice for her father, and I - a bug! And, scoundrel as I was, she was altogether at my mercy, body and soul. She was hemmed in. I tell you frankly, that thought, that venomous thought, so possessed my heart that it almost swooned with suspense. It seemed as if there could be no resisting it; as though I should act like a bug, like a venomous spider, without a spark of pity. I could scarcely breathe. Understand, I should have gone next day to ask for her hand, so that it might end honourably, so to speak, and that nobody would or could know. For though I'm a man of base desires, I'm honest. And at that very second some voice seemed to whisper in my ear, 'But when you come to-morrow to make your proposal, that girl won't even see you; she'll order her coachman to kick you out of the yard. "Publish it through all the town," she would say, "I'm not afraid of you." 'I looked at the young lady, my voice had not deceived me. That is how it would be, not a doubt of it. I could see from her face now that I should be turned out of the house. My spite was roused. I longed to play her the nastiest swinish cad's trick: to look at her with a sneer, and on the spot where she stood before me to stun her with a tone of voice that only a shopman could use. "'Four thousand! What do you mean? I was joking. You've been counting your chickens too easily, madam. Two hundred, if you like, with all my heart. But four thousand is not a sum to throw away on such frivolity. You've put yourself out to no purpose.' "I should have lost the game, of course. She'd have run away. But it would have been an infernal revenge. It would have been worth it all. I'd have howled with regret all the rest of my life, only to have played that trick. Would you believe it, it has never happened to me with any other woman, not one, to look at her at such a moment with hatred. But, on my oath, I looked at her for three seconds, or five perhaps, with fearful hatred - that hate which is only a hair's-breadth from love, from the maddest love! "I went to the window, put my forehead against the frozen pane, and I remember the ice burnt my forehead like fire. I did not keep her long, don't be afraid. I turned round, went up to the table, opened the drawer and took out a banknote for five thousand roubles (it was lying in a French dictionary). Then I showed it her in silence, folded it, handed it to her, opened the door into the passage, and, stepping back, made her a deep bow. a most respectful, a most impressive bow, believe me! She shuddered all over, gazed at me for a second, turned horribly pale-white as a sheet, in fact - and all at once, not impetuously but softly, gently, bowed down to my feet - not a boarding-school curtsey, but a Russian bow, with her forehead to the floor. She jumped up and ran away. I was wearing my sword. I drew it and nearly stabbed myself with it on the spot; why, I don't know. It would have been frightfully stupid, of course. I suppose it was from delight. Can you understand that one might kill oneself from delight? But I didn't stab myself. I only kissed my sword and put it back in the scabbard - which there was no need to have told you, by the way. And I fancy that in telling you about my inner conflict I have laid it on rather thick to glorify myself. But let it pass, and to hell with all who pry into the human heart! Well, so much for that 'adventure' with Katerina Ivanovna. So now Ivan knows of it, and you - no one else." Dmitri got up, took a step or two in his excitement, pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his forehead, then sat down again, not in the same place as before, but on the opposite side, so that Alyosha had to turn quite round to face him.