Transition Goals

An exercise I've been meaning to try is to write about my transition goals now, and how/if they've changed over time. I don't like using other people as my transition goals because while they look nice, at the end of the day, I'm going to look like me and no one else, and I'm happy with that.

If I had to picture myself in the future, say at the age of 25, I think I'd look largely similar to myself now, save for having a more angular face (go testosterone), being muscular (hopefully), and flat chested. I think I'd also have a lot of tattoos, but that's not really related to being trans, ha.

I used to not want to go on testosterone. I don't know exactly why, but I think it was because I didn't know that much information about T. Of course, I didn't think I'd get roid rage or anything, but I just wasn't sure if the changes are worth it.

As I've been doing more research on HRT, I learned that there was a lot more to testosterone than I thought. I've always been athletic and worked out, but I never had good gains, and I think the culprit is fat distribution. That's one thing testosterone would help. Also, I've always had jawline dysphoria. I've never struggled with my weight, but I was always so frustrated with the way that my jawline was super undefined. I have a naturally square face, so it's like, the underlying bone structure is there, but the skin's all wrong. I wouldn't half mind my voice getting deeper: I already have an adam's apple and a deep voice, so I'd be interested in seeing how much deeper my voice can get. I hope I can get like, a thundering deathmetal voice, but I'm not confident that's genetically possible.

The thing is that I'd probably continue to shave my body on testosterone. I actually don't mind it, I'm already hairy, and I even have a semi-mustache, which I actually kinda like. If it grows more though, it'll probably have to go, but maybe I can simulate the look with 5 o'clock shadow or something.

I know testosterone won't fix all my problems or anything, but the prospect of starting it has motivated me to be healthier. I know I can get acne, but my face skin already hates me, so why not step up my skin care routine? I really want to start caring for myself more, and I think testosterone can be a huge positive part of that. Also, in terms of diet, I'm going closer to vegetarianism each day because I just like fruits and vegetables more than meat in general. I look forward to getting hungrier on T because the thought of gaining muscle weight and using more energy makes me feel euphoria. I think that's a motivator to eat more fruits and vegetables.

Okay, now here's the awkward, but also not so awkward part. I hope I can get more comfortable talking about sexual stuff because it's apart of life, I guess. When I talk about it, I mostly focus on myself since I'm on the ace spectrum. I don't know if I'll ever be interested in a sexual partner.

I actually like the idea of libido increases on testosterone. I have high libido already, but it kind of just exists and doesn't go anywhere because of dysphoria stuff. I know my sexuality won't change, but my sex drive probably will. The way I am, my sex drive isn't directed at anyone, it's more of an event I guess. I could never... get off, and I have heard that testosterone could help that. Especially since I have bottom dysphoria, I never was comfortable with most methods.

I look forward to getting bottom growth on testosterone. I don't think I want phalloplasty, but having a tiny like, thing, is perfectly fine for me. I actually don't really think a full on penis would be right for me, and I'm fine with not having testicles, as long as I get testosterone.

My mom asked me about bottom growth the other day, and I was so awkward at explaining it. I basically said that, in the womb, everyone starts with the same structures, so testosterone will make my existing "structures" more male. And after I explained that, she asked, "So you want a penis?" I think it's funny now, as I'm not currently feeling awkward in the conversation, but it seems like that's one of the things that really gets my parents.

Medically, I know that once I start testosterone, I'm most likely going to take it indefinitely. The thought of some changes reversing over time if I go off T gives me serious dysphoria. I do want a hysterectomy, but I'm probably keeping my ovaries just to be prudent. That way, if I can't access testosterone for some reason, I won't have osteoporosis, and I won't have to worry about bleeding ever again.

I want to go on testosterone gel, and luckily for me, I know a a compounding pharmacy that'll probably make it cheaper. The reason why I want gel is not because I'm scared of needles, but I don't want to get peaks and troughs of hormone levels (I've had enough of that already). I hope that, once my dose is secured for the future, I can start getting testosterone pellets instead for consistency. My only worry is that my doctor will make me do shots. I have bad skin reactions to needles (I would break out in rashes around the area for weeks after getting immunizations and once an IV). There's the possibility that I could be allergic to the gel, but I'd rather chance that than chance a testosterone deposit being inside my thigh for days and causing me a worse allergic reaction. I want my dose to be in the normal male range. Going on a low dose sounds interesting, but in the long term, I'd get the same changes anyway.

In terms of top surgery, once my chest grew (measuring cup size makes me too dysphoric- I'm not large chested, but they're very dense and hard to crush), I felt sad about needing double incision. But the idea of double incision is freeing actually, as I want go ditch the nips for good. My nipples always grossed me out, and I'd hate to have them stretched after surgery. Plus, I was going to blast over them with chest tattoos anyway, so like, why keep them around? I think it'd also look nice to have diagonal scars, if that's possible for me. I actually want more of an ambiguous chest than a countored one, as I want to get muscular anyway.

I've always wanted top surgery since I was 11, but originally, I thought I'd have to have nipples. Knowing my opinions makes me a lot more confident. A hysterectomy was also on the list from the beginning, and that was definitely something I had been super obsessed with. Now, I don't feel like it's as much of a priority, but I hope to get it pretty soon after starting T and having too surgery.

This has pretty much been my transition goals as of late. I guess I can consolidate it into testosterone, mastectomy, hysterectomy.