#(aka my mom worked at our church and my first two jobs were w the church—first helping in the kitchen and then in the nursery w the babies)
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#look i have no idea where i stand on the idea of heaven (or indeed afterlives and whatnot)#as an agnostic person raised v v v lutheran#(aka my mom worked at our church and my first two jobs were w the church—first helping in the kitchen and then in the nursery w the babies)#(and i was also in the choir to sing and the bell choir playing the itty bitty handbells at the highest octaves)#(basically my siblings and i were at the church pretty much every day of the week)#BUT. TO CEASE WITH RAMBLING.#my eldest brother died eight years ago (we realized my older brother is now the age our eldest brother was when he died)#and it doesn’t really affect me much anymore. i still miss him but it’s not awful yknow?#you never stop missing them but it gets easier to live without them etc etc#however this morning i woke up w depression bc the brain chemistry said ‘ha fuck you’#but i remember i had a dream last night about my eldest brother and the only thing from that dream that i remember#is him hugging me. like a huge fucking bear hug like i haven’t had since he died.#and i have been a Mess all day as a result bc fucking hell thats what i needed#just a huge fucking bear hug from him#ANYWAY. i have two thousand words to cut from this edit letter due tomorrow so byeee gonna go continue to be a Mess
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