#((i mean he's a warner toon so he has NO problem with wearing a skirt or painting his nails or whatever))
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Fox in the Henhouse
Word count: 7,289 – Character count: 41,874
Originally written: December 26th, 2016
Accidentally revised*: June 28th, 2017
Further revised: August 12th, 2017
(* I made a mistake while revising stories and accidentally did this one before I needed to. Oops.)
After a delightful morning breakfast, a discussion of relationships turns heavy and heated between friends.
Woody Woodpecker, Winnie Woodpecker, the Woody Woodpecker Show, and
related characters and properties created by and © Walter Lantz Productions
Lola Bunny, The Looney Tunes Show, and related characters and
properties created by and © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.
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“So, what’s th’ story with that rabbit gal anyway?”
On a Sunday morning in August, a trio of friends – a fox and two woodpeckers – went out to have breakfast together. The male woodpecker had raised the question to the fox between bites of his cheese omelet.
“What do you mean?” replied the fox as he sipped his coffee.
“Well, I notice she’s been comin’ over a lot more since Winnie ‘n I came back from our cruise to Acapulco… so, I kinda get th’ feelin’ that maybe somethin’ happened between you two while we were gone. Somethin’ good!”
“Well, I mean… you know as much as I do, Woody.” The taller figure gestured with one hand. “She decided to make sure I didn’t get lonely while you were gone–”
He paused, noting the slightly suggestive look of intense interest Woody was giving him.
“That’s… not what I meant…” he said with a scowl.
“Whaaat?” was his pseudo-innocent response. “I’m just listenin’…”
The fox gave a huff, shaking his head at the bad acting…
“Anyway… We spent a lot of time together while you were gone and… I guess… we just kinda became friends? It doesn’t seem like she has a lot to do, unlike us, so… she comes over and hangs out anytime she’s in the neighborhood.”
“Which is basically any-dang-time!” Woody added with a chuckle.
“Mm… yeah,” he agreed. “More-or-less.”
“Well, I think it’s great that you’ve made a new friend, Joseph!”
Both Joseph and Woody looked over toward Winnie. She was holding a coffee mug and wearing a smile aimed at the former.
“For a while, it seemed like you only had Woody or myself to hang around with – not that we minded! You’re pretty interesting! But, I think it’s really great that Lola has become such a good friend to you. She seems pretty…”
The female woodpecker paused, giving a thoughtful look.
“‘Crazy?’” Woody interjected.
“Well… not to sound redundant, but…”
“‘Random?’ ‘Insane?’ ‘Annoying?’”
“Interesting!” was the word Winnie had settled on as she smirked to her boyfriend.
“‘Loopy,’ ‘erratic,’ ‘dizzy…’ I could go on!”
“Well, don’t,” Joseph interrupted. “While I can’t argue that she can be a handful at times, I have no problems reminding you, Woody, that you can be just as bad, sometimes.”
“Whaaat, meee?” he said, giving a look of genuine surprise. “Are you sayin’ I’m a handful, too…?”
“You certainly have your moments…” Winnie said with a grin.
“Pah! You’re just pickin’ on me ‘cause I’m short!”
“You’re not much shorter than Lola…” Joseph said with a chuckle. “And you and Winnie are about the same height, so…”
“So, what? You sayin’ you got somethin’ against shorties, pal?”
The fox was taken aback by the sudden accusation. However, the grin that followed it made him smile in amusement.
“Goofball…”
The trio continued to talk about a handful of topics while finishing their breakfasts. Once the food was gone, Woody had somehow managed to trick Joseph into paying for all three meals… not that he minded. The woodpecker had been treating him for a while… With the meals paid for, they headed outside the Denny’s and into the parking lot.
“You two wanna lift back home?” Woody asked. “I know it’s not far but it’s kinda chilly, for August!”
Joseph looked to Winnie. She looked back his way with a shrug and a smile.
“We can walk home, from here. The walk’ll do us good after that weighty breakfast. Besides… I don’t want to cling to the back of your little car, again.” He gave a grin. “Not with the way you drive… Thanks, though!”
“Alrighty, then! Enjoy your day off, pal! Just remember, I expect t’ see my gal in one piece when I get back! Ya break ‘er, ya buy ‘er!” He gave a wink. “Got it?”
Winnie giggled at what was seemed like some sort of inside joke between the two… Joseph, however, was a little flustered, his mind going to some odd places, from the statement…
“I’m off!” the redhead said as he headed to his car a second later. “Don’t do anythin’ I would do!”
And, again, Joseph was left scratching his head as Winnie smiled and waved. Soon after, the male woodpecker was gone, heading toward Joe’s Diner and leaving the two to make their way to the Rubber Arms on-foot.
“So, uh… if you don’t mind my asking…”
Winnie looked up at Joseph with a smile as she walked alongside him.
“Did… Woody mean anything by what he said? I mean… is he expecting us to do… something…? Or, um…”
“Oh, you know Woody…” she said with a dismissive hand-wave. “He’s always saying weird things like that!”
“If that’s the case… then, why were you giggling?”
“Because, he’s funny!”
“Well…” Joseph rubbed the back of his head. “You’re not wrong, but…”
“You worry too much, Joseph…” Her smile became a grin as she bumped her green-skirted hip to his leg. “It’s like the man said: ‘Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive!’”
“Uh… who, exactly, said that?”
“Bugs Bunny, of course!”
“Of course…” He gave a hum… “Wait, was he quoting someone else?”
Winnie suddenly looked unsure of herself. “Umm…”
“Because, if he said that ‘the man’ said that… then, who in the world is this ‘the man?’”
“Maybe the Internet knows?” she offered.
“To the Internet, then?”
“To the Internet!”
And, with that, Winnie raced off toward the apartment complex, leaving the fox to eat her dust and play catch-up.
“You are… one fast bird…!”
“Or, maybe, you’re just out of shape!”
Joseph grinned at Winnie’s teasing. He’d finally caught up with her… but, only because the door to his apartment was locked and she couldn’t get in – though, she probably could have if she’d really wanted to… or, if it were funny, he thought. She was a slapstick ‘toon, after all. The two headed inside not long after.
“So, what does the Internet say about that quote?” Joseph asked as he got some drinks.
“It saaays… oh!” Winnie paused. “Ah, I should’ve known! Apparently, the original quote was by Elbert Hubbard!”
“Elbert Hubbard, huh?” Joseph gave a blink. “Okay. Who’s that?”
“Elbert Hubbard! You know! The socialist philosopher!”
“I… don’t know, actually. But, then,” he continued as he returned to the living room, “I also couldn’t tell you much about writers on Ragnarok, either. Well, aside from the one I met that one time… What a sweetheart she was!”
“Elbert Hubbard’s literary works,” Winnie continued, ignoring his comment, “included things like ‘The Mintage’ from 1910 and his most famous work, ‘A Message to Garcia,’ his essay from 1899, which focused on the working class and their inability to follow the directions of their superiors – meaning supervisors and the like, of course.”
“Can’t say I’m familiar with that piece…” Joseph sat on the couch with a chuckle.
“I’ll have to read it to you, sometime!” She brightly smiled, closing the nearby laptop before accepting an iced tea. “It’s very stirring and holds up well even to this day!”
“Mmm… right.”
“So, Joseph…” she began again after a few moments.
“Yes?”
“What is the situation with Lola and yourself?” She paused. “If you don’t mind my asking, I mean…”
Joseph gave a blink.
“Why does everybody keep thinking there’s a ‘situation’ with us? Can’t a guy like me and a girl like her just be friends?”
The fox then noticed… Winnie wasn’t buying what he was selling.
“C’mon… d-don’t give me that look, Winnie…” he said in a paranoid tone.
“Joseph… I know you too well to believe that there isn’t something going on,” she said with a patient smile. “Either you are… or you aren’t… flirting with her. I just want to know which… And…”
She paused again, looking down to her canned drink.
“If she’s flirting back…”
The fox gave a blink, his ears perking. Winnie’s confidence had waned as she added that last part to her statement. Her face had also turned thoughtful… as if she was already analyzing the potential “situation” between Lola and himself.
“If I didn’t know better…” he mused with concern, “I’d say you were kind of… invested… in my… ‘situation…’ Or, lack thereof.”
There was a long, somewhat awkward pause as Joseph watched Winnie run her finger around the rim of her drink. Her lidded eyes were focused on the coffee table and she had a somewhat neutral, somewhat curious look about her…
“So…?” she asked, looking over and breaking the silence. “What’s the situation?”
“There is no ‘situation…’” Joseph reassured. “Or, if there is, it’s… I dunno… about the same as the one you and I have-or-don’t-have?”
“Oh. Oh…?” She paused… then, she gave a grin. “Ooohh…”
“Don’t… read too much into that…” the fox said with a frown. “Lola’s a sweet girl… However… if I’m being perfectly honest…”
The fox looked to one side, his ears folding back.
“I haven’t made much… ‘progress…’ with her. At least, not as far as I can tell.”
“Go on?”
Joseph turned back toward Winnie. His ears perked when he noticed the interested, bright-eyed expression she wore. If that had been all, he probably would have let the topic drop… but, the way that pleasant smile rested on her beak never failed to get him to open up…
“Alright, so…” he began, “I told you she’d been keeping me company while you guys were on vacation…”
“Uh-huh?”
“Well… that first day she came over was… awkward… but, interesting.”
The fox continued from there, telling Winnie about accidentally half-seducing her not once… but, twice, that day, as well as the awkwardness of her over-the-top shenanigans the following night. He decided to leave out any details regarding Lola’s personal life as well as what, exactly, he’d been dreaming about when he started molesting the invasive rabbit in his sleep… but, otherwise, he told her everything.
“I think I understand…” Winnie said after the story was finished. “You’re not sure Lola is interested in you in the same way you’re interested in her, right?”
“That’s part of it, yeah…” he answered truthfully. “She’s not exactly… direct… when it comes to stuff like that. Which is funny, considering what she told me about her last ‘relationship…’”
“You mean with Bugs?”
The fox perked. “Wh– how did you know–?”
“It was aaall over the newspapers, back then! ‘Stalker tempts cartoon rabbit with a carrot,’ or something like that… Huh… come to think of it, I’m not sure why I didn’t recognize that Lola sooner! She has a pretty memorable face…”
“Pretty eyes, too.”
The woodpecker jolted at that, looking up. “What?”
“Uh… sorry…”
Joseph rubbed the back of his neck with a nervous chuckle. Winnie gave a chuckle of her own before continuing her train of thought.
“What’s the other thing stopping you from being more forward, if you don’t mind my prying?”
“Well. Well…” he said, sounding a little annoyed. “Just… just ‘toons, man… You know how they are.”
A flash of anger came across Winnie’s face upon hearing that.
“No, I don’t know how we are,” she half-spat. “Care to explain, Mr. Joseph Lithius?”
“I– Oooh…” The fox gave a frown. “Winnie, no, I didn’t mean–”
“And, what did you mean?” The woodpecker’s arms crossed over her chest. “Well?”
“I just– y’all… can’t…”
Joseph sputtered a little. He knew he’d really upset Winnie by saying those few careless words… and, he didn’t really know how to fix it. He could just back out and hope she forgot he’d even said anything… but, he knew she wasn’t the kind of person that would let go of something like that. Not seeing any other choice, he decided to just go ahead and risk telling her…
“You ‘toons never take anything seriously!”
Winnie was a little staggered by the statement, her eyes wide and a surprised look on her face. For a moment, she really didn’t know what to do… As she thought about his words, though, her surprise… became a realization. And…
“You’re right.”
An agreement.
The fox gave a blink, his head jerking up and swinging toward hers. Winnie set her drink down before resting her hands on the hem of her skirt. Once again, she wore a patient smile on her face… though, he could tell there was just a little bit of “hurt” in her pretty, blue eyes.
“As a slapstick ‘toon, it’s hard-wired into our ink-and-paint that, if there’s any opportunity to be funny… we have to take it. It doesn’t matter whether or not we think someone’s watching… We’re just going to go for it regardless of circumstance… and, quite often… without considering the long-term effects of our shenanigans. There’s no real thought involved… no time to consider things like, ‘Well, he’s going to be upset if I do this…’ It’s all just an ingrained, knee-jerk response to a given situation.”
She gave her skirt an uncomfortable squeeze.
“We’re made to be funny…” she whispered, her eyes starting to tear up. “It goes against our nature to not be…”
“Winnie…”
The woodpecker suddenly shook her head, starting to laugh as she wiped her moistening eyes with one arm. She then smiled up at the fox.
“I understand your frustration, Mr. Lithius… I really do! I can understand why you’d feel the way you do… and, be so disappointed with us ‘toons. We have feelings and emotions just like everyone else… but, that ‘Rule of Funny’ has a stranglehold on us slapstick ‘toons… some more than others… It’s a curse… but, sometimes…”
Her smile brightened.
“It can be a real blessing, too!”
Joseph gave a blink and tilted his head. Winnie was still laughing… but, she seemed somewhere between being genuinely happy and staying upset with herself.
“It takes more muscles for a human – or humanoid,” she added with a nod toward the fox, “to frown than it does to smile. Plus… it’s like Roger Rabbit said: ‘A laugh can be a very powerful thing!’ I’ve… never had to use it as a weapon, myself… but, I’m sure that, in the right situation, it could be a very effective one!”
“You ‘toons really like that movie, don’t you?”
Winnie gave a blink at the sudden topic change… but, she didn’t miss a beat otherwise.
“It’s a really good movie! Scary… and, maybe a little too realistic…”
The fox gave an inadvertent snicker at that.
“But, it is a really good movie with a lot of messages that are really relevant even today!”
She paused to give the fox a curious look before asking…
“Why?”
“Huh?” He gave a blink. “Oh, just… I notice that both you and Lola seem to pull quotes from that movie in particular.”
Her curiosity intensified. “She’s quoted the movie, too?”
“Yeah. Like, one time… she used the ‘I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way’ line.”
Winnie gave a smirk. The fox immediately knew what she was thinking…
“No no,” Joseph started to clarify. “She used it in a completely different context. What she meant was like, ah… let’s see… Oh! Have you see Disney’s ‘The Princess and the Frog?’”
“Yes?”
“Well, if you remember Doctor uh… Doctor…”
“Doctor Facilier, ‘the Shadow Man,’” Winnie helpfully prompted.
“Right! Him! Well, he was bad-to-the-bone, in the movie… preying on peoples’ greed and whatnot. But, from what I’ve read through newspapers and the like, he’s actually pretty nice! I mean, how bad can he be if he frequently does free shows at Tia’s Palace?”
“You mean ‘Tiana’s Place?’” she corrected.
“Uh, that! Yeah! Heh. Man, I sure don’t know my Disney…”
“You know Robin Hood, though.”
The fox gave a grin… Winnie almost immediately knew what that meant…
“Robin Hood ‘n Little John, walkin’ through th’ fo-rest, laughin’ back ‘n forth at what the other’n has t’ saaay…”
She couldn’t help but be amused as he sang the song pitch-perfectly.
“Reminiscing this-‘n-that and havin’ such a good time…”
Joseph gave a grin as she joined in for the last part.
“Oodalolly, oodalolly, golly what a day!”
The two then burst into laughter before sharing a happy smile.
“You’ve gotta admit,” Joseph said with a swish of his tail, “that’s a fun song.”
“Of course!” she agreed with a giggle.
“I can’t help but think the only reason you know it is because I won’t stop singing it, though…”
“Sometimes,” Winnie chuckled, “I think it was a mistake to share that movie with you…”
“Maybe… But, I’m glad you did.” He warmly smiled. “And I’m even more glad you watched it with me.”
A content silence filled the room as the two shared another smile. It didn’t last long, though, as Joseph noticed Winnie start to look glum again.
“What’s… what’s wrong, Winnie?” he asked with perked ears.
“Nothing…” she said with a faint smile. “I’m just… thinking…”
“Thinking? About what?”
“About what you said… and, about how right you are.”
“I…” The fox’s face went through a couple of shifts before he settled on a confused look. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You’re right about ‘toons like us,” she said, looking up and gesturing with one hand. “We can’t take anything seriously because the ‘Rule of Funny’ frequently supersedes the moment. I never really thought about how frustrating it can be for someone who doesn’t ‘run’ on laughter and comedy…”
She paused for a moment before continuing.
“Sometimes, when Woody and I are being… i-intimate…” she shyly stated, “sometimes, Rule of Funny comes into play and derails whatever we might have been feeling at-the-time. However… it almost always leads into an eruption of laughter… then, a brilliant smile! I guess what I’m saying is… when Woody and I make each other laugh…”
The bird gave a bright blush, placing her gloved hands to her cheeks…
“I-it’s somehow even better than… better than…”
Joseph started to blush himself… He had an idea of how Winnie was thinking about finishing that thought…
“You don’t have to say it,” the fox stated, causing the bashful bird to jolt. “Honestly, a good laugh… I mean, a really good laugh… can feel pretty good. I’m not exactly sure how ‘toons like you are built… but, if laughter is your, um… t-turn-on…”
Winnie gave another blush… but, she continued paying full attention.
“Well… who am I to argue? I just wish… well… that I was more funny, in that case.”
The fox’s blush brightened a little as he whispered to her.
“I’d love to tickle your funny bone, sometime…”
There was another awkward silence between them, Winnie staring wide-eyed at the fox as he found himself unable to look her in the face anymore. He was feeling far too shy for that, given what he’d just said. But, for some reason though… it hadn’t had that effect on her.
“J… Joseph?” she quietly asked. “Are you saying… what I think you’re saying…?”
He hesitated… then, gave his response.
“What can I say…? I… I like making people happy.”
“It’s more than that, though. Isn’t it?”
The fox gave a wince, his ears falling back. She could see how tense he was feeling just then… which told her…
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Y… you’re… you’re not wrong…?” he skittishly admitted.
“You… did mean that as a double entendre…” she guessed, her face brightening, again.
The fox remained silent, his own cheeks red with shy embarrassment… He really hadn’t meant it as a double entendre… but, at the same time…
Maybe he had…
Winnie squeezed her skirt with one hand, the other sliding down to fidget with her plumage. She couldn’t take the eyes off the blushing fox as she sat there, unsure of what to say… what to do… It felt, to her, like she should have been more startled by his somewhat-backhanded confession… but, for some reason… that wasn’t even remotely close to what she was feeling… Unfortunately, what she was feeling just made things all the more confusing… and, that confusion was most likely the reason she whispered to him after the longest of pauses…
“I’d like that…”
The fox jolted in his seat, his fur bristling, ears perking, and tail straightening. Even Winnie couldn’t believe she’d just said that! She immediately hid her face behind her hands, trying to avoid eye-contact as best she could.
“What…” was all the fox could manage to say. He didn’t really want her to repeat herself… He’d heard her just fine. His problem was… he was having a very hard time processing the fact that she’d basically just… said ‘yes’ to his accidental suggestion. And, it sounded to him, at least… like she had meant it.
“I’m not sure why I said that,” Winnie squeaked from behind her hands as she started to explain herself. “I’m really not! It just… seemed like the right thing to say, at the time?”
The bird waited for a response… but, ended up not getting one, so she continued.
“I… I like you, Joseph… I really do. I like you a lot!” she said as she slowly brought her hands back down to her lap. The blush on her face was bright enough to illuminate the room…
“A-and… I want to make you happy. Not just because you make me happy… but, because… I-I think you deserve it. I… kind of think it was sweet of you to make that offer…”
She gave a squirm, looking down and pausing again.
“A-and… i-if you wanted to… I… I think it would be a lot of fun…!”
Why am I saying these things?! she yelled at herself in her head. I’m making myself sound absolutely horrible! Like I’m some… some harlot! O-or–
“We don’t have to.”
The bird gave a blink of her blue eyes, staring up at Joseph. He was looking to the side, again, and rubbing his arm. His tail and ears were also lowered… and, Winnie noticed, he had a look of shame on his face.
“I feel like that remark I made was… was uncalled for,” he said. “And, I just… I’m sorry.”
The woodpecker gave another blink as she watched him sit up.
“I appreciate you being so enthusiastic about the offer…”
She gave a wince, feeling a flash of embarrassment.
“But, I mean… j-just because I suggested it doesn’t mean we have to do it. All the talk about laughter and intimacy got me thinking and I just… I dunno… I said something stupid. I’m sorry. I really am…”
Joseph went silent after his explanation, just staring at the coffee table as Winnie stared at him. By that point, she wasn’t really sure what to think… He really did seem sorry for what he’d said, despite the fact he hadn’t offended or even bothered her… but…
Should I just accept his apology? she thought. Should I tell him it’s fine and just let it go? Should I be mad because that’s what he’s expecting? Do I tell him he’s being just silly and overreacting over nothing? This is such an odd predicament…
She gave a frown.
What do I do? What do I do…?
The seconds seemed to pass like minutes as Winnie watched her friend remain there, paralyzed with guilt. It was tearing her up inside to see him feel so bad over something that, in all honesty, hadn’t even phased her. How could she fix this situation… and, more importantly… how could she keep it from getting worse?
Joseph gave a blink, his fur bristling again. His ears had picked up on a small, soft sound as something just touched his cheek. By the time he’d looked to see what was going on, he noticed the form of the shorter, red woodpecker pressing herself against and wrapping her arms around his body.
“Wh…?”
“It’s okay,” Winnie calmly said as she gave him a squeeze. “I’m not mad. I’m not even bothered. If anything, I’m actually kind of… flattered! I… I didn’t think you liked me like that…”
There was a pause before he heard her whisper…
“Especially since that bunny came around…”
“W… wait, what?”
The woodpecker gave a jolt. Did I say that out loud?! she tensely thought.
“You… what? Bunny?” was the fox’s confused stream of consciousness. That seemed to confirm her thought…
“You mean Lola?” he asked, looking down at his companion. “I don’t… Why would she have anything to do with how I felt toward you… or, anyone else, for that matter?”
Winnie hesitated… then, she gave a sigh before leaning back in his lap.
“Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention…” she said with a frown. “But, it seemed to me like… since Woody and I came back from Acapulco, you… haven’t been as, um… ‘interested’ in me…?”
The woodpecker gave an awkward smile, causing the fox some confusion.
“To be honest, I thought that, maybe… you were completely focused on Lola! It seemed like you two were really hitting it off– n-not that I thought you two were dating or anything like that! I just mean that, you know, she’s a girl and you’re a guy… plus I know you– I mean, I think I know you… I know you’re a flirt… but, a really sweet guy, too, so I’d just assumed that, maybe, you were trying your luck with her and that she… she…”
Winnie gave another light sigh before hugging the fox again.
“I was getting jealous,” was the next thing she said. “I’m sorry.”
“J-jealous…?” The fox gave a blink.
“Y… yes,” she assured with some annoyance – mostly with herself. “Jealous…”
There was another long pause between the two, then. Joseph was trying to process what Winnie had just told him… while Winnie just seemed content to hang on to him. In fact… she seemed to be hanging on to him a little tightly… almost like she’d expected him to suddenly disappear, or something…
“You were jealous of Lola…?” he asked again. Winnie just gave a nod…
“Winnie… c’mon, now,” the fox said with a chuckle. “You know how I am.”
“Do I, though?”
He gave another jolt as Winnie turned her head his way. She looked upset…
“What if Lola took you away from us… took you away from me?” she asked, sounding unusually possessive. “I didn’t know how close you two were getting… but, if Lola’s anything like me, she’ll probably fall for your unique charms and… and…”
The woodpecker gave a sigh of frustration before burying her face into his chest.
“Oh, I must sound so stupid right now… Just… forget I even brought it up! Okay?”
“I, uh… I don’t think I really can, now!”
She looked back up at his face. He looked a little awkward… but, he was smiling.
“You were really jealous of Lola, huh?” he casually asked.
“Yes, darn it…!” she replied with a huff. “How many times are you going to ask that?”
“Well, I mean… it’s not like we’re dating or something, Winnie…”
“I know that!” she shouted. She then gave another sigh before cuddling in close…
“Look, it’s not every day a guy like you comes along, okay? You have a decent sense of humor and have just the right amount of dignity to make the perfect fall-guy for ‘toonish pranks! But, moreover… you’re sensitive, sweet, kind… caring… Loving…” she whispered.
The fox gave another blink…
“I know it’s selfish to say this, but…” He could feel Winnie swallow before she said, “I didn’t want to share you… A-and… I still don’t.”
The fox gave another blink as Winnie shook her head.
“I’m just being stupid, right now… I’m confused and annoyed and… and…”
“Jealous?”
The bird scowled to herself… “Jealous…”
“Can I tell you something, Winnie?”
She hesitated… but gave a soft nod.
“Truth be told… even after all the awkward pseudo-romance you and I have had… I… wasn’t really sure you’d meant any of it. No offense.”
“Wh–?!”
Winnie was thrown for a loop. She stared up at the fox, utter bafflement on her face. After a moment, though… that look began to give way…
“You… you filthy animal!!”
To an ugly, angry one.
The fox gave a startled yelp as Winnie shoved him back against the armrest. His ears folded and fur bristled yet again as he watched her stand up, a look of absolute fury on her face as she glared down at him.
“I cannot believe, not even for a minute,” she yelled, “that, after all we have done and all I have said… that you could possibly have the gall to question my integrity like that! What sort of a woman do you think I am, Joseph Lithius?! Did you honestly think that… all this time… I was letting you be so affectionate… and returning your affections just… just for a laugh?!”
Even if the fox had wanted to answer, he hadn’t had the time before he felt Winnie’s gloved hand slap him across the face.
“You are unbelievable, Joseph! And, I most certainly do not mean that as a compliment! What sort of person takes the gift of a girl’s love, handed to them on a silver platter, only to set it down and analyze it like it was some sort of paramecium under a microscope?!”
“The kind of guy…” he quietly answered as he rubbed his cheek, “that is too stupid to see what’s been right there in front of him the whole time, apparently…”
“No! The kind of guy who– wait, what?”
Despite his folded ears and curled tail… Joseph was smiling. Laughing, even! But, rather than anger Winnie more… it just made her feel confused.
“What… why are you laughing?” she awkwardly asked with a frown.
“I’m laughing because I’m so damn oblivious!” he said, continuing to smile.
Winnie glanced down toward the couch… then to the rear cushions at her side… and, finally, back to the fox… who was apparently amused by his own stupidity.
“I’m… not sure what you mean,” she honestly stated.
“You have feelings for me,” was his simple answer. “Just like I do for you.”
“Well, yeah! But–”
“You love me. Don’t you?”
The woodpecker crossed her arms and gave a scowl.
“Don’t try and guess my emotions,” she calmly warned.
“Well… I love you. So, I guess you can stick that under your hat, whatever that means.”
Winnie gave a blink of her blue eyes.
“Wait, really?”
The fox gave a nod…
“W– How– how long?”
“What?”
“How long have you felt this way?” she clarified with a concerned look on her face.
“I dunno…” he chuckled. “Longer than I’ve known Lola, though.”
“Oh.”
Winnie once again found her eyes looking toward the couch cushions. She was rubbing her arm and wore an awkward expression. For a moment, neither party said a word. Eventually, though…
“I’m sorry I slapped you,” Winnie calmly said.
“And, I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to,” was Joseph’s laughing reply.
Winnie paused… then asked, “You love me, huh?”
“I do.”
“What… kind of love?” was her next question.
“Hm?” He gave a rub of his upper lip. “Let me think…”
Winnie patiently waited as Joseph thought about the question, his eyes on the ceiling and his arms crossed. After several moments, he looked back to the woodpecker with a smile.
“I can summarize it for you, thusly…” he began. “Do I want to hold you for ever-and-ever, give you kisses, make you laugh, and revel in your adoration? Heck yeah! Do I want to deny Woody from all or any of that? Not in the slightest. You are Woody’s girlfriend and he is your boyfriend… and, I will never do anything to change that. Well… nothing on-purpose, I mean. There was those couple of times Woody got mad at me… but, ah, even then!”
The fox gave a chuckle.
“So, uh, yeah! I love you like that, ma jolie petite rousse.”
Winnie gave a blink. “What?”
“What?”
“What did you say?”
“I said, ‘I love you like that.’”
“After that.”
“‘What?’”
“Before that!”
“Uh… oh! Right.” He gave a nod. “I said, ‘Ma jolie petite rousse.’ I think.”
“Was that French?” She brightly smiled. “It’s really pretty. What does it mean?”
“Oh, uh…” The fox bashfully glanced down with a faint blush on his face. “It means, ‘my pretty little redhead.’ Lola’s been teaching me a little–”
“You think I’m pretty…?” she softly squeaked, interrupting him.
“I… yeah? I mean, why wouldn’t I?”
The woodpecker gave a sly grin…
“Because I look like Woody in drag?”
“Well, I mean, I think he’s kinda cute, too, buuut…”
The fox gave a laugh. Winnie joined him after a brief pause. For some reason… she’d stopped to wonder just how serious he’d been with that comment…
“I think you’re very pretty, to be honest,” Joseph continued. “You wear your hair so cutely with that forward quiff… and, I always like how your skirts and dresses look on you… Plus, you have the prettiest blue eyes–”
“That you’ve seen in a while?” she interrupted again with a smile.
“Um… yeah, actually. How did you–”
“You told me that on Christmas Eve, last year.”
“W… you remember that?” The fox gave a blink. “Even I forgot I said that…”
“Well, I remembered… and, even then, I was a little flattered… But…”
She brightly smiled to the fox, her eyelids lowering into a soft, adoring look.
“Now that I know you a little better… I’m very flattered…”
The fox gave a blush, rubbing the back of his head with a light chuckle… “I’m glad?”
“Me, too… handsome.”
“H… handsome?” He gave another blink. The look Winnie was giving him… combined with the soft, almost sensual tone of her voice… told him something had changed. The air of awkwardness had been dispelled, replaced by one of affection… maybe even love… He didn’t want to assume as much, though. Just because he loved her didn’t necessarily mean–
“By the way…” She paused to grin. “I love you, too, Joseph…”
And, just like that, the fox was stunned. His eyes opened wide, his mouth hung open, and he stared in complete and total awe as Winnie gave a soft, girlish giggle from behind one hand. As he looked, though, he also noticed… she was taking a much more feminine pose than before.
Her body was angled somewhat to one direction as she fondly gazed his way, her blue eyes aglow and her eyelashes fluttering. The one hand remained beside her beak as she continued to lightly giggle with a soft, somewhat shy look, while the other arm hung down, bent inward at the elbow as her hand remained loosely clasped with her pinky extended. One of her legs was also bent at the knee, her toes tapping the couch as she stood on the other leg.
“O… oh. Okay,” was all the stunned fox could say, much to her annoyance.
“‘Okay?’” she repeated, standing up straight. “That’s all…?”
“Um… uh– uh-huh?”
“I tell you that I love you and all you can think to say is ‘Oh, okay…?’”
The fox gave a swallow, then a nod. He was a little too frazzled to do much else…
“Hmm… Hm.”
The fox watched as Winnie hopped off the couch and walked around the coffee table. He eventually snapped out of his daze around the same time Winnie had started to root around the small collection of VHS cassette tapes on the entertainment center.
“W… what are you doing?” he asked.
“You need a lesson in love, Casanova,” she smartly stated, “so, I’m looking to see if you guys have any romance movies.”
“Wh– wait, what?”
“When a girl tells you she loves you,” she begun to explain, “you’re not supposed to just stare at her and awkwardly say, ‘Oh, okay.’”
Winnie stood up with a cassette in one hand. She brought both hands up, clasping them around the tape as she fondly looked toward the ceiling, girlishly bending one leg once more.
“You’re supposed to pull her into your arms… sweep her off her feet… look her deep in the eyes… and, then… kiss her!”
The fox gave a blink as Winnie took a casual stance again, giving him an annoyed look.
“You’re not supposed to just sit there like a bump on a log, slack-jawed and simple!”
“W… well… I…”
The girl waved her free finger at him. “That’s just not how it’s done, Mr. Lithius!”
Once again, the fox found himself too stunned to really do much of anything other than watch Winnie continue to poke through the tapes. After a few moments of watching her tail-feathers bob and wag, however, he gave an annoyed scowl and got to his feet.
“Now, I know I suggested a movie to Woody for a stay-at-home Satur-Date… Where is–”
But, before the girl could finish her thought, she found herself being lifted around the waist. It didn’t take her long to figure out who was behind it…
“What on Earth are you doing, Joseph?” she asked with a curious blink.
“Fixing this,” he said, shifting her in his arms. Soon, she found herself being cradled by the taller figure.
“Fixing wha– nn!”
And, a moment later… she found her beak occupied by his muzzle.
For a moment, she thought about protesting. He’d already blown the perfect opportunity to be romantic with her earlier and the kiss just seemed so… so forced! But, at the same time…
“M– mm…”
She felt her body grow heavy. Before long, she let go of the tape in her hand, letting it tumble to the floor as she closed her eyes, letting the kiss happen… No… no, she was doing more than that. She was pressing into the kiss… Something about the way he was kissing seemed different from their usual kisses, though…
Suddenly, it hit her. The fox, upon her criticism, had taken her into his arms and pressed his lips to hers in one, long, loving kiss… and, she quickly found herself returning the gesture, her arms curling around his shoulders and her body snuggling up closer to his chest.
He hadn’t missed his opportunity. He’d made his own opportunity!
“Oh… Joseph…” she called as he withdrew an unknown amount of time later. Even with her fluttering eyelids, she could see the blush on his cheeks… and, the fond look in his beautiful, golden eyes. There was no mistaking it… They had found their moment. However, it seemed like the fox wanted more than just a moment, then… Winnie soon found herself being carried away from the living room… and, into an adjacent area.
The woodpecker gave a blink as she found herself gently placed on a soft, cushiony surface. A quick glance told her it was a bed… He’d brought her into the bedroom. And, that… made her feel very shy. Vulnerable, even… What was Joseph going to do with her, in that room? What did he have in mind? And, most importantly to her… was she really in any mindset to tell him… “No?” The answer to that… as well as the previous questions… suddenly became obvious to her. Even in her euphoric, half-dazed state of mind, she knew…
W… we’re going to take things to another level…!
Winnie gave a light squeak, bringing her hands over her beak and brightly blushing. Her legs rose just enough for her knees to lock together and she could feel her heart trying to escape her chest. Meanwhile, Joseph was busying himself with adjusting the room’s conditions…
She watched as the blinds of the outside window were closed, keeping any prying eyes from watching them… not that she thought anyone was actually out there. She then watched as the fox walked over to the bedroom door and closed it. That made her think… even if she’d wanted to… there was no escape for her.
The last thing he did was to turn the nearby clock radio on. He didn’t bother changing it from the 80s station it was on, however… not that Winnie minded. She always liked 80s music… and, the romantic pop song that played as she nervously lay there could not have been much more fitting to their situation.
‘Stay the night,’ indeed… she thought, despite her apprehension or the time of day.
Finally, after all the preparations had been made, Joseph sat at the side of the bed. One of his hands was on his lap while the other rested on the bedspread. He had a warm, somewhat shy smile as he looked to his companion…
“So, here we are…” he nervously said.
“Y… yeah…” was her reply.
And… that was all either of them could think to say…
–––––
She shouldn’t have been watching… Even she knew better. But, for some reason… she found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the scene unfolding before her.
It had started to innocently… so sweetly… only for things to rapidly deteriorate into an escapade the likes of which she’d never seen.
She’d only come over to see if Joseph wanted to hang out. Really! But, as she watched events of Apartment 3C unfold through the blinds that day… Lola Bunny couldn’t believe what she’d seen… or, what she’d continued to see.
She’d intended to open the window and climb inside Apartment 3C, just like always. But, as she reached toward the blinds’ drawstring to pull them up… she’d heard a female gasp. From there, her natural curiosity quickly took over…
That day, she watched her friend… her best friend… do things with that little redheaded woodpecker she’d never even considered he might do. She’d watched them become intimately acquainted… gazed on as more-and-more of their clothes left their bodies… and, could do little more than continue to watch while the amber-hued fox she liked so much… made the woodpecker lady cry out for him, the two losing themselves to pure… carnal… pleasure.
Lola’s black eyes stayed glued to the scene playing out in Joseph’s bedroom that day… from its innocent. As soon as she heard them cry out in what she assumed to be their finale, though… she decided that it was time to go. She’d seen enough… and, most likely, way more than she really should have! And, for some reason… the things she’d seen had left an impact on her.
It really bothered her! Just… not in the way it should have, to her thinking.
She held a hand over her chest as she walked away from the rear of the Rubber Arms apartment complex, lost in deep thought while the sights and sounds of the scenario she’d witnessed replayed in her mind…
She’d heard that woodpecker call her best friend’s name while crying out in what was without a doubt unbridled ecstasy… and, she’d heard him call to her with similar tones. She’d seen their bodies become entangled and, though she didn’t have the best view, had no doubts about what they’d been doing. There aren’t many things two people do on a bed that makes that kind of noise, after all! But, knowing that Joseph and Winnie were that close… seeing them do that sort of thing… For some reason… it seemed to break something inside of her.
It’s not like they were dating, her and Joseph… She had no reason to be upset. He was free to do whatever… or whoever… he wanted. She knew that. So, why, then…? Why did she feel so bothered by what she’d seen and heard? Was she somehow… jealous? If so, why? While she didn’t know the answer to that, she knew one thing, for certain.
It was going to take a lot of time for her to erase what she’d seen, from her mind…
And… maybe a little bit of alcohol, too.
#commercial characters#The Woody Woodpecker Show#Woody Woodpecker#Winnie Woodpecker#The Looney Tunes Show#Lola Bunny#original characters#Essence of Ragnarok#Joseph Lithius#slice of life#comedy#drama#romance
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That’s Comedy!
A Joseph's ToonTown story.
Another part of the ongoing Joseph/Winnie sub-plot thing that never seems to end because my unconscious (yes, that's what I meant) brain refuses to let it do so. Waugh.
Ironically, this story isn't very funny.
(You'll see.)
Sidenote: This latest revision omits a small section of story that I felt was unnecessary.
Word count: 6,748 – Character count: 39,010
Originally written: December 17th, 2016
Slightly revised: January 16th, 2017
Revised further: August 29th, 2017
Joseph learns a bit more about the nature of 'toons than he'd ever intended to.
Winnie Woodpecker, Woody Woodpecker, The Woody Woodpecker Show,
and related characters and properties created by and © Walter Lantz Productions
Minerva Mink, Animaniacs, and related characters
and properties created by and © Warner Bros. Animation
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“You’re… serious about this?”
“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my entire life.”
It was a pleasant March day in ToonTown. The weather was unseasonably warm and, to Joseph, it seemed like the ideal time to go to an outdoor café with a friend. However, when he’d invited Winnie to share a drink with him, he certainly hadn’t been expecting the news she’d brought along with her.
“I’ve thought about this for the last three months, Joseph,” she explained, “really thought about it… and, without knowing what’s going on, I can only assume that Woody wants to break up but is too much of a coward to tell me.”
“So, you’re going to break up with him?”
“Exactly!”
Joseph paused, his ears flicking as a cool breeze blew through the area.
“That might be… the single-dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Winifred.”
The woodpecker blanched at his response. The bluntness of his statement, combined with the frown on his face, and the way his ears were curled back only partway, told her that he’d meant what he said. And, she was not amused.
“Excuse me?!” she half-shouted as she stood on her chair. “What did you say?!”
Joseph took a moment to look around. Some of the other customers had paused their own activities to stare at the temperamental woodpecker’s actions. But, regardless of whether they were watching or not… he was going to stand his ground on the topic.
“I said,” he started, again, “‘that might be the single-dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say.’”
Winnie sputtered, flabbergasted. She angrily glared at the fox as he continued.
“Now, I don’t know you to be one to say dumb things very often… so, it had to have been pretty damn stupid to make me think that,” he explained. “At least, to my way of thinking.”
“Well, to my way of thinking, you’re the stupid one!” she said, pointing at him.
“Okay…” The fox gestured back with one hand. “That might be the second-dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”
The woodpecker growled, stomping on the chair. “Shut up!”
“That wasn’t nearly as dumb,” Joseph said with a grin, “but, pouting won’t get you anywhere, with me… much less your situation.”
Winnie threw her hands in the air, then, audibly venting her frustration.
“I wouldn’t even be considering it if you’d just done your darn job in the first place!”
“Hey, I told you… I tried.” He took a sip of his cold coffee drink. “Numerous times. But, I’m not about to rifle through my roomie’s stuff while he sleeps just because of a hunch.”
“It was your idea in the first place!!”
Joseph opened his mouth to speak… then, he immediately closed it, pausing to think.
“You’re right,” he said a moment later. “That may have been one of the dumbest–”
“Gah!”
Winnie flumped down, her ponytail bouncing and skirt furling as she hit the cushion.
“Some help you are…”
“Alright, look… all I’m saying is that, maybe, you’re jumping the gun, here…”
Joseph gave a concerned frown, leaning over the table.
“I mean… how long have you two been together? Since the 1960s?”
“Mid-1950s… and, well… not…” Winnie rubbed her arm, looking down. “It’s– it’s been an off-and-on kind of relationship, to be honest. Not… not frequently, but, over the years. You know what I mean?”
“Kinda…” he answered, “but, not really. I know people that break-up sometimes get back together. But, that just makes me wonder… shouldn’t you know Woody well enough by now to know what’s going through his mind or what not? He doesn’t seem that complicated…”
“You’d think so…” The woodpecker gave a sigh. “I mean, you really would think that… after working with and being friends with him… and, especially being with the man for half a century off-and-on… that, I’d have a little insight into his birdy brain. But, Woody is… surprisingly complicated, all things considered. I mean, if everything were as simple as you’d made them out to be, don’t you think we would have been living together when you’d arrived?”
“Um… Huh…” He hadn’t thought of that…
“Our relationship is pretty casual if I’m being completely honest.” Winnie took a sip from her warm drink. “But, it has to be! We’ve kept pretty busy, since the 1990s…”
“When I found him,” Joseph started, “he was unemployed. At least, that’s the impression I got. He also didn’t seem like he cared, that much…”
“Well… Woody’s always been good at making-do,” she commented. “If he didn’t have a place to sleep, he’d go to a halfway house. If he was hungry, he’d perform slapstick in the park for a sandwich or enough money for some food. And, if he needed to bathe, well… there’s always the pond or a public shower at the pool. Though, I think the lifeguards frown upon that… One time, he even used the birdbath near that museum! Boy, was that ever a fun day!”
Joseph gave a blink. “Wait… Are you saying that he’s…”
“A vagabond, basically,” she said with a nod. “Until he met you, I mean. Again, if I’m being honest… you might just have been the kick in the pants Woody needed to get his life back in-order.”
The fox gave a blush as he saw Winnie smile. He quickly rubbed his cheek, his ears folding back.
“I just needed a job…” he shyly explained. “It’s not my fault he insisted on tagging along… and, there was no guarantee that outburst would have even worked.”
“But, it did!” Winnie cheerfully countered. “And, you two have been gainfully employed, ever since! But, that just leads me back to my original problem…”
The fox noticed her grip tighten on her foam coffee cup.
“Why in the world is ignoring me? I know he has days off… It’s mandatory, in most jobs! It just seems like every day-off he and I share, he goes and works overtime… Like, today, for example!”
Winnie took another sip before continuing.
“Today, he’s working 1st shift and 2nd shift at Joe’s! Why does he need so much overtime? Where is that money going? And…”
The fox jerked back as Winnie once again aimed her finger his face.
“Why haven’t you asked him about it?!”
“I did!” Joseph countered. “Several times! But, every time, he gave me a different answer. ‘Work expenses,’ or he was ‘overdrawn on his bank account,’ and so on…”
Winnie perked at that last one.
“Bank account?” she repeated. “Woody has a bank account?”
“He has a savings and checking account. I mean, one each,” Joseph clarified. “Joe – the owner of the diner – insists on direct transfer so he doesn’t have to worry about whether or not his employees get their checks, twice a month.”
The woodpecker looked confused… and, maybe, a little upset.
“Wh… why didn’t he tell me he had a bank account…?”
“Why… would he?” Joseph asked.
“I have a friend who works in banking!” was Winnie’s counter. “She could have gotten him the best interest rate possible, for his savings account!”
“Oh.” The fox paused… “Uh… does that offer extend to me? ‘cause my interest rate kinda blows.”
“One problem at a time, Joseph.”
He briefly gave a frown, at that, watching Winnie sip her drink, again.
“So, you honestly don’t think I should break up with him?” she quietly asked, running her finger around the rim of her cup’s topper.
“Of course not,” Joseph immediately replied. “I mean, if you’re not even sure he wants to break up, why risk it?”
“Because,” she rebutted, slamming her fist on the table, “I’m getting tired of being left in the dark!”
“Yeah, well…” Joseph spoke much more quietly as he said, “Me, too…”
That gave Winnie a bit of a pause for thought.
“What?”
“I’m tired of being left in the dark, too,” he clarified. “Between Woody’s mysterious obsession with work and Shinko’s utter lack of response to my letter, I’m getting more-than-a-little-annoyed.”
She gave a blink. “Shinko still hasn’t replied to that letter, from Christmas?”
“Bitch took my money and ran…” he spat with some unwarranted hostility. The strong language had thrown Winnie, for a moment…
“I think you might be jumping to conclusions…” she offered.
“Yeah, I know…”
Joseph sighed to himself…
“Maybe the letter got lost in the mail or something.�� Who knows? Who cares? It’s not like I need Shinko in my life.”
“And, I don’t need Woody in mine!”
Once again, Joseph gave a slight scowl… but, after a moment, he simply sighed, again.
“Here’s to us,” he said as he raised his plastic cup, “a couple of lonely hearts just looking for a little attention from a couple of dummies who don’t know any better.”
“Hear, hear, brother!” Winnie laughed, clinking her cup against his own.
As had been the custom on what once was Winnie’s “Satur-date” days, she and Joseph headed to Fred’s Video Shed to see about borrowing a movie to watch. Although Winnie still found herself somewhat unnerved by the tall, balding man… she found that he was considerably more tolerable during normal business hours.
Within the shop, the aroma of marijuana was non-existent, replaced by fresh air or the occasional vanilla scent and he made sure to always have all of the store lights on, making the atmosphere considerably more pleasant.
As for Fred, himself… in contrast to the casual outfits he worn in the off hours, he always made sure he was dressed in a clean shirt and pants, as well as wearing a newsboy cap to hide his bald spot. He also kept his long hair tied back, making himself look much more presentable.
When dealing with customers, he very rarely did his “Collector voice…” though, he was still happy to offer sizable amounts of trivia and knowledge about the products he was offering. In addition, he was much more courteous and patient, especially with even the pickiest of perusers. And, to Winnie’s dismay… Joseph just happened to be one of those types.
“So, let me get this straight…” Joseph said as he looked at two VHS cassettes. “Both of these movies star Tom Hanks?”
“That’s right,” was Fred’s reply.
“And… this one’s a comedy?”
“Of sorts.”
“While this one’s a war drama?”
“Very dramatic!”
“Huh…” The fox paused to process this information. “Isn’t Tom Hanks known as a funny guy?”
Fred gave a nod. “Generally speaking, yes.”
“Hmm…” Again, Joseph paused. “He was in Toy Story, right?”
“Correct.”
“And, wasn’t he in that one movie with the volleyball?”
“Cast Away,” Fred said.
“Hmm… Dynamic guy, I guess…”
Once again, Joseph looked between the two movies…
“Tell you what,” he said as he pointed to the comedy. “We’ll borrow this one, for now… and, I’ll be back for the other one on Woody’s next day off.”
“Excellent choice, sir,” Fred commented as he put the war movie back on the shelf. “I can let you have that one for five dollars.”
“Five dollars?” Joseph repeated.
“Gotta sell some inventory sometimes, Joe.” The man gave a shrug. “Can’t be lending out stuff for free all the time. On the other hand, if you wanted to barter, well…”
“I don’t think I have anything you’d want, though.”
Fred gave a grin. “You have five dollars, don’t you?”
Joseph gave a chuckle. “Well… yeah…”
With that, the fox finally completed his transaction with the shopkeeper – much to Winnie’s relief – and, the two were on their way to Woody’s apartment.
“I think you’re going to like this movie, Joseph,” Winnie said as they walked up the stairs of the apartment complex. “It’s kind of sad at some parts… but, it’s pretty amusing, too!”
“What, exactly, is this movie about, Winnie?” The fox took a look at the bare cassette in his hand. “The name ‘Big’ doesn’t really give me much to go on…”
She gave a mischievous giggle. “I’ll just leave that as a surprise!”
“Ah, you rascal…”
Soon enough, the two had settled in on the trusty, green couch Woody had found months prior, a bowl of popcorn and some drinks sitting nearby, and started the movie.
As it turned out, Big was a fairly appropriate title, what with the main character making a wish at a fortune-telling machine to be just that; “big.” He got his wish… but, before long, he found that he’d gotten more than he’d bargained for, adulthood being a whirlwind of emotions for him. One scene, in particular, really seemed to get to Winnie, though…
“That poor baby…” she said, watching Tom Hanks cower in fear of the big city. He’d just heard gunshots and a horrible scream from outside his New York flop-house window… which was not something anyone wants to hear before they go to sleep, much less a 10-year old boy.
“I know, right?”
Joseph cuddled Winnie a little closer, rubbing her back. She gave a soft sigh, in response.
“I just want to pick him up and tell him everything’s going to be okay…” She paused, looking up at Joseph. “I guess that’s just the ‘mother hen’ in me, though.”
He smiled at her. “Heh. You’re such a sweetheart, Winnie…”
She smiled back before resting her head against his chest.
“I wonder what it would be like, to be a mother…” she quietly mused. “It’s probably not as much fun, as I think.”
“Probably not,” the fox chuckled.
“But, still… one can always wonder…”
The rest of the movie wasn’t quite as sad as that scene had been. However, it was a little eye-opening. As the main character settled into his daily routine as a data-entry grunt and, later, a major consultant to the toy company he’d worked for, he found life in the big city to be much less scary. By the end of the movie, he was a full-blown adult in a serious relationship, having completely forgotten about his original plan to find the fortune telling machine to go back to his original size and life. It made for a bittersweet ending as he stepped away from being an adult… one with a loving girlfriend and a successful job… but, his girlfriend seemed to understand that it was for the best.
“Everyone deserves to have a childhood…” Joseph thought aloud. “No one should be forced to just… grow up, like that.”
“Still…” Winnie smiled up at the fox. “Sometimes… I, for one, wouldn’t mind being a bit bigger. Maybe Woody would pay more attention to me if I were…”
“Eh?” Joseph tilted his head. “Is he into tall girls or something?”
“Well… I actually meant… you know…”
She sat back, making a round motion with her hands over her white-feathered chest.
“‘Bigger.’”
“Eeehh…?!”
Winnie giggled at his confused blush. Eventually, Joseph started to laugh as well.
“I think you’re just fine the way you are, Winnie.” He leaned down, playfully nuzzling her face. “You’re just so cute ‘n cuddly!”
“Aww, you’re just saying that!” she giggled, pushing his head away.
“Not at all! But, I might be biased…” he said with a grin, pulling her up into his arms. “I kind of have a thing for shorter girls…”
“I’m not short!” she protested with a laugh. “You’re just tall!”
“Well, I certainly appreciate that sentiment…” He pressed his nose to her beak, looking into her blue eyes with a purr. “But, sweetie… You’re short.”
“I am not!” she said, smiling. “I’m a reasonable height for a slapstick ‘toon! Just ask Mickey or Foxy!”
“What about Bugs?” he asked, his eyelids lowering.
Her own eyelids lowered as she replied with, “Those ears don’t count and you know it.”
“What’s so bad about being short, anyway?” Joseph asked, giving her a quick peck. “Short girls are cute.”
“Mmph…”
Winnie squirmed in his arms… but, she didn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight, then.
“No fair, trying to distract me…”
“Distract you?” he asked, giving her another little kiss. “Why, whatever do you mean?”
The woodpecker was blushing as she whimpered, trying to squirm out of his embrace… but, again, she wasn’t trying too hard.
“You’re trying to distract me– mmph…” she started to say, being cut off by a third kiss. “From my argument…”
“And…” A fourth one fell closer to her beak. “What is your argument, exactly?”
“That– that I’m not short…” she whispered, beginning to fall prey to the fox’s charms. “You’re just…”
“Tall?” he said, giving her the most tender of nibbles on her neck.
That action seemed to completely derail Winnie from her thoughts. Her eyes fluttered the rest of the way closed and she squirmed against his body, emitting a soft coo of delight…
“So cute…” he whispered as he nibbled on her a little more. “So small…”
“Nuh… not small…” she panted, continuing to squirm.
“You’re certainly smaller than me…” the fox countered before dragging his tongue from her shoulder to just under her chin.
“Ahn…!”
The fox perked, leaning back as Winnie shuddered in his arms. He paused his actions, just staring wide-eyed at her as she calmed. He really hadn’t been aware of just what he was doing, then… but, the noise she’d made seemed to snap him out of his… well… lust.
“Uhm…” he started to say. “I uh…”
Joseph rubbed the back of his head, looking at the blushing bird as she looked up at him, eyes half-open. She seemed to be a little short of breath, just then… As Winnie continued to look at him with those beautiful, blue eyes, though… he started to feel guilty… She hadn’t told him to stop… but, at the same time, he thought he might have taken things a little further than he’d intended to… He just felt so calm, around her… and, everything felt so… natural…
“Why… did you stop?”
The fox’s eyes opened back up, at that. It was such a simple question… but, at the same time, it almost seemed in direct contrast to those innocent, blue spheres staring up at him… He was at a loss for words.
“Did…”
Joseph gave a blink and Winnie shyly looked away, bringing a hand to her chest as she continued to stand on his legs.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“What?” The fox jolted. “No! No… No-no-no…”
“Then… Then, why did you stop?”
Joseph could see her blush brighten as she closed her eyes a little more.
“It… felt good…”
Once again… Joseph was at a loss for words. Every part of the scenario… every word Winnie had said, since he’d stopped, told him that she wanted him to keep going. But, something was keeping him from doing so. Maybe it was her shy demeanor… Maybe it was her blushing face… Or, maybe… maybe… it was because he knew, in the back of his mind, that he was inadvertently trying to seduce his best friend’s girlfriend… and, succeeding, at that…
“We… we should stop,” he finally said with a sigh.
“What?” Winnie was the one to jolt, then, her eyes widening and her head jerking toward his as she excitedly asked, “Why…?”
“I just… I don’t…” The fox looked to one side, his ears falling back. “I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“But… why?”
Joseph closed his eyes. “You know why…”
“No, I don’t.” Winnie tilted her head. “I really don’t. Please, tell me?”
He opened his eyes, blinking as he turned back toward the bird in his lap. She was staring at him, her eyes full of innocent curiosity and her hands at his chest. He’d almost have believed she really didn’t understand… were it not for the fact he knew she was smarter than that.
“Does the term ‘boyfriend’ mean anything to you?” he asked, sounding a little sharper than he’d intended to.
“I don’t see a ring on this finger,” she said as she brought her right hand up. “Do you?”
“I… what?”
The bird gave a soft chuckle, closing her eyes and shaking her head.
“Sorry. I couldn’t resist.”
Joseph scowled at that. That was no time for humor…
“If I’m being completely honest…” she started to say as she cuddled up against his chest, “I’m not sure what I want, right now… Your affection felt so nice, though… I… I haven’t felt that sort of touch in such a long time…”
She leaned back with a shy smile.
“There’s quite a bit of difference between ‘Find the Mistletoe…’ and, this… after all…”
The fox gave another blink as Winnie settled against his chest a second time. His arms gently curled back around her… but, he didn’t make any other movement. Her confession had been just a bit unexpected, to him.
“Are… you sure…?” Joseph quietly asked. “Are you sure you want me to keep going?”
“No,” was her honest answer. She accompanied that with a tight hug.
“But, I’d like it if you did…”
Joseph hesitated for several moments, still not entirely sure of what he should do. He really did want to keep going… keep being affectionate… But, the question that continued to plague his mind… that prevented him from doing so… was… “should he?”
The obvious answer was, of course, “no.” Winnie wasn’t his girlfriend, after all. But, for some reason… that logic, alone, wasn’t enough to get him to completely stand down. He had been a little starved for attention for a while… at least, intimate attention… And, it seemed fairly obvious that Winnie had, as well, if her reactions were anything to go by. Would it really be so bad… so wrong… to just give her what she wanted? Just once?
“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to…” Winnie softly whispered, interrupting his thoughts. “I’m perfectly content to sit here and cuddle…”
That may have been true… but, what Joseph didn’t know was… was he?
“Hey, Winnie…” he finally said, getting her attention.
“Yes?” she asked, looking up at him.
“Let’s make a deal.”
“But, your name isn’t ‘Monty,’” she softly giggled.
“I don’t even…” The fox shook his head. “Anyway. Here’s my deal: I’ll keep going… but, only if you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want.”
Winnie perked, giving him a warm smile. “Are you sure?”
“Only if you are.”
The bird hummed, turning her head down with a thoughtful look…
“What if…” she quietly said as she looked back up. “What if I said I was sure this is what I wanted… right now?”
Joseph looked to one side, his ears folding back. “Right now?” he repeated.
Winnie gave a slight nod.
“Right now, huh…?”
There was a long delay as Joseph mulled over her words in his head…
“If you’re sure that this is what you want right now…” he finally said, turning back to his friend, “then… that’s good enough for me.”
Winnie’s face brightened.
“However.”
She gave a blink, her smile fading and body tensing…
“I want you to promise me…”
Joseph paused, swallowing… He didn’t want to say it, for selfish reasons, but…
“If you change your mind at any point… you have to let me know, right away. None of this ‘I don’t want to spoil his fun’ stuff. Does that sound fair to you?”
Winnie bit her lower beak, pondering his words… She really did want him to keep going, preferably guilt and concern-free… but, if that was the only way Joseph would agree to give her the attention she wanted…
“O-okay,” she said after a few moments. “If I feel any sort of guilt… or, start feeling as though I shouldn’t be doing this sort of thing with you… then, I promise, I’ll tell you right away.”
“Okay,” was the fox’s simple reply. “Then, that’s that.”
Winnie tilted her head, making her short bangs bounce.
“Now… I can just focus on this!”
The girl gave a squeak as Joseph immediately pulled her in and started nibbling on her neck, again. It wasn’t nearly as intimate or loving as before… In fact, it was a lot more playful, the fox emitting a lot of fake growls as he nipped and kissed at her feathers.
“S-stop…!” she giggled, squirming in his arms again. “That tickles…!”
“Does it, now?” he said in a soft tone before continuing his actions. That just caused her to squeal and giggle all the more.
“Nnn…! Cut it out…!”
“What will you give me if I do?”
“Aah…!” She tugged at his arms… but, to no avail. He had a pretty firm hold on her smaller body.
“Weeell?” he asked, giving her another little lick.
“Ah… ha-hah…! Wuh– what do you want…?”
“I waaant…” The fox leaned back with a grin. “A kiss.”
Winnie took that moment’s reprieve to catch her breath. Her face was already bright red from laughing so much in such a short time…
“A-a kiss…?” she eventually repeated. “Is that all?”
“Yup.”
Winnie mulled it over, tilting her head side-to-side and making her bangs bounce, again.
“A kiss, huh? Just one?”
“Yup.”
“Okaaay…” She grinned. “Pucker up.”
The fox closed his eyes and did as she’d instructed. A second later, he felt something touch his lips… it didn’t feel like her beak, though… In fact, it felt… and smelled… kind of… rubbery?
Joseph slowly opened… then, widened his eyes! Winnie was standing on the coffee table, her hands holding on to a wooden handle. Said handle was attached to a red toilet plunger… and, said plunger had a firm hold on his muzzle!
“Hrnn?!”
“Kiss-kiss, dahling!”
Before he could try and remove the plunger head, Winnie gave it a yank! He was shocked when he felt it pull air out of his nose and tug at his lips. When she started pushing and pulling on it, he began to flail, making a series of muffled sounds before finally trying to remove it. After several failed attempts which resulted in him inhaling a lot of rubber-scented air, he finally yanked it off with a loud pop! The resulting counter-force sent him back against the couch and probably would have put him over it, had it not been for the wall behind him.
Joseph panted, flicking his tongue and making quiet, hacking noises, staring down at the floor as he desperately tried to get the taste of plunger out of his mouth.
“How was that for a kiss, loverboy?”
He looked up as Winnie spoke. She had a wide, mischievous grin on her face and her eyelids were lowered. She knew she’d won that round… or, at least…
“Come ‘ere, you!”
She thought she had.
The bird leaped up with a half-shriek as Joseph launched himself at her! When he flew over the table and landed in front of the TV table, she gave a loud laugh, landing right back on the table and facing him.
“If you were trying to catch me off-guard,” she teased, “then, you shouldn’t have telegraphed yourself, like that!”
“Freakin’ toon reaction time…” he grumbled as he rolled on to his back. “And, aren’t you supposed to be the sane one, between you and Woody?”
Joseph gave a grunt as Winnie hopped over and sat on his chest.
“You could say that, I suppose…” she said, still grinning. “But, I am still a ‘toon – a darn good one at that!”
“I’ll have to watch some of your cartoons, sometime,” the fox said as he leaned up on his arms. “See how you compare to your vastly-superior male counterpart and all.”
“Excuse me?” Winnie gave a blink. “‘Vastly-superior?’ What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well…” Joseph started, holding up one hand. “For one thing, Woody’s pulled about a hundred tricks like that on me, since we’ve known each other. If I’m not mistaken… that was the first time you’ve ever tried to pull a prank on me, not counting wordplay.”
The female scoffed, looking mildly angry.
“That’s because I’m not as screwy or spontaneous, as Woody!” she protested. “I can still play pranks with the best of them… but, I’m just more… selective… about my set-up!”
The fox grinned. “Suuure you are…”
“I’ll show you who’s funny! Just wait until another opportunity presents itself!”
“How about right now?”
“Right no– ah!”
Winnie suddenly found her arms captured by the fox.
“Go on,” Joseph said as he sat up, holding the squirming bird in his hands. “Pull a fast-one on me.”
“It… it doesn’t work, like that!” she protested.
“Oh?”
“I can’t just be funny…” she confessed with a frown. “The opportunity has to be just right… Timing is everything in comedy – especially when it comes from a place you’re not expecting!”
“Pfft. If I’d grabbed Woody by the arms, he would have already smooched me and made his escape, by now.”
Winnie was about to argue… but, almost immediately, she noticed something. The words Joseph had used, combined with the smart-alecky smirk on his face, told her the fox was trying to get in her head… play her like a fiddle. Too bad for him, she wasn’t about to fall for it.
“I bet you like it when Woody smooches you,” she said with a smirk of her own.
“Not especially…” Joseph lowered his head, a grin coming over his own face. “But, I like it when you do.”
Winnie gave a blink. She hadn’t expected him to counter her so honestly…
“W… well… it’s not funny if you like it!” she said, unwilling to give up.
“But, it is adorable… just like you.”
She narrowed her eyes.
I am not about to be outfoxed, here! she internally mused. Think, Winnie… What can you do or say that would get his goat? All you need is one… good… distraction…
And, then, it hit her.
Winnie looked down, fluttering her eyelashes at the fox.
“Why, Joseph…” she softly whispered, “are you flirting with me?”
“Uh…”
The fox blinked, his ears flicking in confusion. That shy smile and soft giggle she’d given seemed to throw him And… that was all the distraction she needed!
“Joseph, dear…” she whispered.
“U-uh…”
The fox was blushing a little as he watched her flutter her eyelashes again. Suddenly, he gave a squeak. Winnie had gotten a hand free when he wasn’t paying attention and pinched his cheek.
“If I recall…” she softly cooed, “I still owe you a kiss, don’t I? Well…”
He blinked as Winnie leaned in, pursing her beak in an inviting way. His blush intensified and he gave a swallow… For some reason, he went ahead and closed his eyes again, leaning in to kiss the willing bird’s beak…
Splat!
The words that came out of Joseph’s mouth as he felt the familiar sensation of a cream pie impacting his face were not ones that were fit for most network TV. In fact, had he been a ‘toon, it probably would have been complete gibberish or covered by nasty-looking symbols. Regardless, it would have been pretty funny for a viewer. It certainly was for Winnie…
“I can’t believe you fell for that twice!!” she said as she rolled on the floor, laughing as the fox wiped the pie off his face.
“You know what?” He gave a snort. “Neither can I.”
“Aww, don’t be like that!” Winnie sat up with a smile. “You have to admit, it was a pretty silly thing for you to do! You should have known something was going on, when I started to charm you with my feminine wiles!”
“Can’t disagree with that…” The fox sighed.
“Need some help cleaning up?” she helpfully offered.
“Suuure…” was Joseph’s unenthusiastic reply.
Winnie immediately leaned back, hopping up on to her feet. She walked over to the fox and ran a finger down his cheek before popping it into her mouth a second later.
“Mmm! Coconut cream!” She grinned, her words turning low as she added, “My favorite…”
“U-uhm…”
He watched the bird draw closer. Before he could say anything coherent, he felt something warm and wet gently brush against his cheek. Then… his entire face became obscured!
He once again found himself flailing as Winnie roughly wiped him clean with a wet cloth. When she removed it, however, he could see her snickering, barely able to keep herself from bursting into laughter a second time.
“Do… I dare ask?” Joseph said after a long delay.
“Nn…! Here!”
Winnie snickered, drawing a large, round mirror from her skirt pocket and Joseph could immediately see what was so funny… The cloth had ruffled the fur on his face in a way that made it stick out in all sorts of odd directions.
“You know…” Joseph said, sounding dejected, “I shouldn’t be surprised.”
“It���s not… snrk… that bad!” Winnie half-giggled. “It can be fixed!”
Joseph just grumbled at that…
“Here, let me help…”
Winnie drew close again. By then, Joseph was expecting another ridiculous toon prop to come into play. However, she instead drew a normal-sized brush from her pocket and began calmly stroking out his matted facial fur. It seemed like she was done messing with the fox… and, honestly… the brushing felt pretty good, too.
“Gotta say…” Joseph said with closed eyes and a purr, “I was expecting more mayhem.”
“I probably could have kept going…” Winnie admitted as she straightened his fur, “but, I could tell you weren’t having as much fun as I was. Plus, it’s just us, after all. No one’s watching.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me if someone was, though…” The fox opened one eye to look at the bird. “ToonTown is full of surprises.”
“There,” Winnie said after a couple of minutes. “Pretty as a picture!”
Joseph was once again directed to the oversized pocket mirror. As soon as he realized what he was looking at, however…
“You just can’t help yourself,” the fox said as he looked at Winnie. “Can you?”
“Whooo?” Winnie replied with mock-innocence. “Meee?”
The fox immediately set to work removing the pink bows from the fluff of his cheeks, much to the amusement of his friend.
“Are you done?” he sharply asked a short while later, clearly running low on patience. “Did you get it all out of your system?”
Winnie jerked at the fox’s harsh tone. One hand began to rub her arm and she looked down, tapping a toe against the apartment carpet.
“I… I’m a ‘toon,” she offered as an explanation. “Rule of Funny dictates that–”
“I don’t care if the ‘Rule of Funny’ dictates you go jump off a freaking cliff!”
“It… it might, depending on–”
“Enough is enough!” he interrupted, starting to half-shout. “I’m done being the victim to your stupid ‘comedy routine!’ It’s not funny!”
Winnie looked up at the fox with wide eyes. She looked absolutely… shocked! Joseph had never yelled at her before… That alone was enough to give her pause… but, the words he’d used… Those were one of the last things a slapstick ‘toon like her ever wanted to hear.
“I… it’s not?” she meekly asked.
“No!” he assured her as he got to his feet. “And, neither are you! You’re just… just being a pest… like Woody always is! I thought you were better than that, Winifred!”
“You d-don’t think I’m funny…?” she asked, still sounding somewhat quiet.
“I already told you… no, I don’t!”
“I… I’m not funny…?”
Joseph gave a frustrated groan, letting his temper slip further.
“How many damn times do I have to tell you? No, you are not funny, Winifred Woodpecker! You are annoying, you are abrasive, and you are just generally–”
“You don’t know what funny is…”
The fox gave a blink of his angry eyes. Winnie’s voice, although barely above a normal speaking tone, had derailed him again.
“Excuse me?” he started. “I don’t know what–”
But, again, he stopped in mid-thought. Not because of what Winnie had said, however… but, because of the look she was giving him. She stood there with her legs apart, fists clenched and pointed at the ground as she stared up at the fox, a horrible scowl on her face, eyes full of tears… Angry ones.
“You don’t know what funny is, Mister Joseph Lithius!” she shouted, clenching her eyes shut. “You wouldn’t even know ‘funny’ if it came up and bit you on the bottom! Just because you can’t take a joke doesn’t mean I’m not funny! It means you… you…!”
She paused, seemingly trying to find the right words…
“It means you don’t know the first thing about slapstick comedy!” she started again. “Even the most basic ‘toon can appreciate a good pie or cleaning gag! But, you? Nooo, you’re too good to be on the receiving end of one, aren’t you? You’re too proud to let your hair down and be a part of timeless comedy routines, huh? And, here, I thought you could take a joke… Well, I guess I thought wrong, didn’t I?”
As Winnie paused again, Joseph noticed just how much disdain she for him, at that time. Her normal, beautiful, blue eyes had turned overtly hostile, the hatred of a thousand hurt feelings coursing through her and aimed exclusively at him. There was no compassion… no mercy to be found in her right then-and-there… She wanted to rip him asunder for the – as she saw it – cruel and unforgivable things he’d told her.
“I never want to see you ever again!!” she shouted as she stormed over to the door. When she reached for the doorknob, she turned to the fox, not quite done with him yet…
“And, I hope that, for your sake,” she snarled, “Shinko never learns just what sort of horrible person you truly are, you stodgy jackanape!”
Winnie opened the door and left without a word more, slamming it on the way out and leaving the fox standing there, stunned into silence. And… there he stood, for some time after, his body having numbed and failing to respond to even the most basic of mental requests.
–––––
“So!!”
Joseph jumped, startled out of his seat as Woody came barging into the apartment. The fox stared up from his new position on the floor, fur bristling and ears perked.
“Now I see what’s really been goin’ on ‘round here!” Woody said as he closed in on the startled fox.
“Wh-what…?”
“I don’t how I could be so blind!” the woodpecker half-shouted as he leveled a gloved finger to the fox. “All this time I been workin’ at Joe’s Diner, you’ve been goin’ after my gal!”
“Wh– wha– whaa…?”
Joseph, confused and intimidated by the angry woodpecker, started to crawl back, trying to get away. However, Woody had no problem keeping pace with the cowering fox, his finger staying aimed right at his face as he continued to shout.
“Thought you could just mess with her head, did’ja?!” Woody rhetorically demanded. “Thought I’d never find out, did’ja?! Weeell… my gal is true-blue, Bucko! She told me all the horrible, nasty things you said to her!”
“What… did… I…?”
“Do you even know how bad you hurt her?! Do you?!”
Unsure of how to reply, the fox just gave a confused whimper.
“Winnie’s a sensitive kinda gal…” he calmly said as he looked away, bringing his hands together under his head. “When she gets close t’ someone, it’s real easy fer ‘em t’ mess her up good. But, you…!”
Once again, Woody pressed the fox, pointing and approaching him.
“What you did went waaay beyond just messin’ her up! You broke her heart!!”
“I… I…!” was all the fox could say.
“Yeah! You! S’always about you, ain’t it?!”
“N… no…! I…”
“Yeah, you! As in, ‘you get outta my sight and outta my apartment!’ Now!!”
Before the fox could even try and defend himself, the woodpecker had somehow managed to grab him by the shirt and carry him to the door. Without any hesitation at all, he hurled the fox across the hall and into the opposing wall. Then, just to add insult-to-injury… he threw the fox’s backpack at his face which, upon impact, spat all of his clothes into the hallway!
“And stay out!!” Woody shouted before slamming the door behind him.
There was a long, awkward pause as the tenants of apartments 3A and 3B poked their heads out at the commotion. Joseph sat there, upside-down and on his shoulders, in the third-story hall of his apartment complex, covered in the various meager articles of clothing he’d managed to gather during his time in California. As he did, though, a single, powerful thought entered his mind… which he immediately vocalized…
“What… The… Nether below… Just happened…?!”
#commercial characters#The Woody Woodpecker Show#Winnie Woodpecker#Woody Woodpecker#Animaniacs#Minerva Mink#original characters#Essence of Ragnarok#Joseph Lithius#slice of life#drama#comedy#romance
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