[internalized cissexism probably]

probablymaybe there is a maybemeaningful difference between people whose primary relationship to transness is ‘knowing for sure they want(ed) to change their bodies’ vs people (like me) whose primary relationship to transness is ‘knowing for sure they want to destabilize the idea that a certain kind of body automatically means a certain kind of gender’

(though like. that’s not a binary with no overlap! probably many/most of us in the second category also have at least some alienated/wistful bodyfeelings, that they might even ever take action about! god knows i really extremely definitely do! i just also have. a lot of barriers between me and even identifying what i want, let alone taking any action about it. [see also: lunch.])

but also i kind of think the weird self-deprecating urge to be like ‘😔 yes i promise i am aware of my cis-passing privilege and know it makes me Less Trans Than Thou really’ or whatever (which like. said so-called cis-passing privilege is situational and also upsets me even as it lends me certain types of safety [and removes others tbh! like. when i get read as a queer woman it’s. really not always a positive vs being read as a maybeiguess boy/man!]) is. not really in fact all that helpful and actually kind of strengthens pretty cis ideas abt how gender even works and abt how natural and dominant the cis framing is, such that like, if it’s at all conceivable to round someone down to basically-cis it’s appropriate to do it—that it’s got such strong gravity you gotta achieve escape velocity or else be stuck in orbit around it forever. whereas i’m really quite deeply invested in the idea that like. essentially the same gender experience is potentially viewable thru a variety of lenses, and we ask the person involved which one(s) feel(s) best to them, and what they say is what we go with, not what we decide we think about their body or their trajectory or their peer group or whatever else.

(anyway. nothing new here really i just like. have no bolstering so i gotta keep shoring myself up.)