Forgot to come on to say this due to being busy but~

HAPPY BELATED NEW YEAR'S EVERYONE~

New Year's Resolutions: RP Edition

Howdy all, Ash here. I've been having a think while with family this week, and I've decided I'm going to implement some new 'resolutions' to try and help make writing in 2024 be way more successful than in 2023. This will include things from the running of blogs to jobs I really want to get finished. I'm putting them under a read-more to keep the dash nice and clean.

I will say, this has taken me an hour to write up, and I'd recommend you doing likewise if you think there's little ways you want to improve.

-

Overall Running of Blogs

I'm going to experiment a new approach to running the blogs. For this, I'm going to put all active blogs to low-medium activity. In other words, even if I am personally lurking on mobile, I won't be constantly writing things if I'm not able to. (Work is just about to get super busy and I'm anticipating chaos)

A queue/schedule function will be used for all blogs. I intend to dedicate one weekday evening to working without interruption on replies. Taking commutes to the city and family visits into account, this is looking to be a Thursday, which is the only day I am neither travelling to the city nor have a guaranteed family visit. Of course, this may fluctuate, but that's what I'm hoping to work with, assuming those things stay as they are.

However! What all this means is that I am going to tentatively take skullandbowties off hiatus. With that blog being quiet, it should be possible to juggle it better now. Plus, it's officially off-season so the demand for him from new blogs ought to be low. I'm very smart :D

I also plan to update all pinned posts. I am aware some of them are marking a vacation from months ago.

Individual Blog Maintenance

Create "New Here?" posts to add to the pinned posts/info tags. This is going to be a very quick crash course on what to expect from the blog, especially where some characters might diverge from fanon expectations.

FINISH. WILF'S. BIO. It's not actually relevant to anything being written on the blog itself at present, but I really want to flesh out his character and show that he was stuck in stories for years, decades even! The doc has the word count to 4,888 at this precise moment. This is a mix of summary and brainstorm. Since it's getting a 'little' out of hand, I intend to have a 'tldr' at the start that people can read, and then longer versions if they're curious to get the full story. Maybe even have it that they can jump to particular parts but... I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Likewise, Noah's version of Space needs to be finished. This one is going to be a summary, but it's a case of making sure the pieces are in place sufficiently to have parts match canon Space, but also make it clear that there is a lot of differences between canon and what he went through, with his plot entirely spiralling away for 'Part 2'. This is at 5,794 words, and the ending has yet to be ironed out...

(I am going to stop creating needlessly long-winded projects for myself that realistically add nothing of value to my blogs. These two projects are exhausting...)

Theauthorlives is returning to a very small multimuse. Any muses that aren't ones I genuinely enjoy writing are being fully archived, unless they are muses that get no traction but I want to keep the possibility open. Details of that will be shared when I do this.

Redo some muse icons (not all of them!). Though the selection I have for particular sets is a lot, I still feel like I'm missing some expressions or poses. I would like to remake one batch of icons for three characters, and finish iconning a third. Replies seem to be shifting toward iconless, but I like them for asks or IC commentaries.

OOC/Mun Related stuff

Following matters that have happened both online and IRL, I've decided to take a step back from actively engaging with people. My focus will be people that I have been in good communication with for the last twelve months (as well as people I don't talk to frequently but am on friendly terms with) rather than people I feel I have to 'chase' after. Saying that, I'm going to try and not let past experiences meddle with anything in with new writing partners - whether these are brand new to the community or people I've not had the chance to properly interact with prior to this. Just be aware that I might not be super outgoing at first. (This is where setting limits and boundaries is good practice, everyone! Don't sell yourself short, and don't spread yourself out too thinly!)

Which is where I now say I want to send even more asks! Not just memes or sentence starters, but general questions about headcanons or muse opinions. I want to get people thinking more.

My stance on Discord still stands, in that it's solely for OOC stuff, but I'm not giving it out to everyone. However, I have been in two group servers that have little-to-no connection with writing rp threads in them. I would hope that I can fully regain my sense of comfort using Discord as a whole.

Art related

Despite socially stepping back, I still want to keep some semblance of 'community' where my blogs are active so people don't feel isolated. For instance, I want to do something that encourages invasions of ask boxes. That was good fun to watch as the chaos began to spread, and when people are good-humoured to go along with my silly ideas.

I want to have one huge art-related event at some point this year. I'm not entirely what or how to do it, but I think it would be a great excuse to practice something. Portraits, comics, something like that. I'll have a think. (For those who remember, the water gun event was supposed to have an art conclusion but plans for that fell through.)

I want to try and upload drawn responses to heythereneighbor once a week if I can. Obviously, this is depending on how busy it is.

I'd also like to try doodling more on other blogs? But I'm not sure if this is even something people want to see anymore. People might prefer I focus on writing if I have free time instead of doodles or little comics.

... the writing blog. I need to do stuff with that in general. Whoops.

Finally, I want to do what I can to the best of my abilities on a particular day. I've always told people over the years that real life comes before rp, and I still stand by that. Whether I'm around or not every day isn't the end of the world. The communities I write in are a lot slower paced than they were when I started, which is great! I need to remind myself that I don't need to be writing just because I have a bit of free time.

Hi! I am working on an assignment for school, and I am trying to find information on how animal crossing is styled. Through my scrounging of the internet I saw a link that lead me to your website that was a "Animal Crossing Style Guide" but it no longer exists. I was wondering if you might have some pointers that I could learn from for my project?

Hi there,

You're about 2 weeks shy of that link working. I just changed web hosts and rebuilt my website and ended up taking down the blog section, which is where that content lived. The Animal Crossing Style Guide was an article / blog post I wrote a few years ago around the time New Horizons came out discussing the topic of animal crossing character designs for artists. While the post no longer exists online, I did archive it to hopefully host again in the future, but I havent gotten around to remaking the blog yet. In the meantime here's literally the entire thing in a tumblr post, and if I remember, I'll try to update whatever links I can. Sorry if it reads or is formatted a little weird on tumblr, but rest assured it's identical except for some shopping / sponsor links that dont need to be on this version. No idea if this is the sort of thing you need for your project, but good luck and enjoy!

Animal Crossing Style Guide: Artist Tips for Drawing Your Favorite Characters

Apr 24 | Written By Birdy

Hello and welcome to this week’s edition of Fandom Friday. If you’re like every Nintendo Switch owner  right now, you’ve been playing Animal Crossing nonstop for the last month.  And who can blame you? This irresistible chore simulator has no trouble winning the hearts of the masses by helping us fall in love all over again with our favorite animal neighbors. Nintendo found a way to make tedium fun by implementing a fun reward system and fully embracing the rule of cool, or rather, the rule of cute if there is such a thing. Why do I like it? I don’t know, man!! It’s adorable! It turns my brain chemicals into a relaxed, happy soup.

If you’re an artist it’s possible you’ve seen these cute character designs and thought “I want a piece of that for myself.” I know I have. If you love to draw the Animal Crossing cast or have some OCs of your own who you want to mesh with the AC universe, read on for some mini tips for drawing in the Animal Crossing style. I’ve been studying the style for the past few weeks and this guide is a pretty compact version of what I’ve learned, but feel free to let me know if you guys want more.  It was fun to study these characters and I’d love to expand upon this with a more definitive guide or deep dive into more specific aspects of the style!

On to the basics!

Villager Bodies

In the graphic below I describe that most animals are a little over 2 heads tall. That’s because the characters in animal crossing tend to have very large, bulbous heads as part of their appeal. You’ll find that certain species, such as eagles and gorillas, do break this convention slightly, often appearing with their anatomical midpoint lower on the chest than most smaller animals.

That said, this isn’t a hard and fast rule necessarily. While the height and shape of AC bodies is generally in the neighborhood of what’s stated above, there is some variation between installments of AC. Compare the following images and you’ll see what I mean.

As you can see, Bob’s shape and proportions vary between Wild World and New Leaf, as do many of the other characters. While many current players likely think of New Horizons as the definitive style for now, I would encourage my fellow artists to experiment here. Play around with height in the 2 to 3 heads tall range and see what you like. Stylize the torsos to your taste. It’s entirely possible to remain within the AC style of drawing while still making some details your own.

Heads

Heads of AC characters are a bit of a complex subject because there are literally so many different species of animals who all have their own goofy, lovable little faces. I’ve done my best to break them down to the basics without getting too specific about one species or another.

As you can see, even the the more complicated animals can be broken down into these simplistic, bulbous shapes that Animal Crossing loves so well. When designing a new character, it’s wise to plan their head and body using basic shapes before you tack on any other extraneous features. By doing this you can ensure that your character has the round, soft features that are key to Animal Crossing before you ever have to decide what their face looks like or what their personality should be. When in doubt, round it out. You’ll be drowning in the cute in no time.

Speaking of faces, feel free to let me know on social media if you’d like me to expand upon this guide in terms of facial features and placement. I avoided the topic in this case because I wanted to focus more on foundational elements, and animal faces felt it a bit broad for that scope. The sheer expanse of animal individuality in this game allows for quite a lot of different faces with quite varied placement. And that’s not even including the human character options!

Limbs

Arms are perhaps the simplest section of this guide because there are so few styles of arm in Animal Crossing. The vast majority of characters you encounter will have the cylindrical arm style, or something close to it. At that point, all you’ll have to do is vary the length to suit the character.

Birds and octopi are one exception to this rule, with birds in particular being the more complex of the two. In most instances, bird characters will have those flattened out oar shapes for forearms with a simple texture stretched over the shape, but on occasion some birds will have distinct feathering as part of their model, which can at times distort the underlying shape for the artist trying to make sense of it. Our owl friends, Celeste and Blathers, are good examples of this.

With birds and octopi in particular, don’t be afraid to experiment a bit with the design of the limb. Some birds, like Blathers and Celeste, have wider forearms, and many octopi have interesting textures for their suckers. In addition, don’t be afraid of extending or shortening the standard cylindrical arm shape, as this shape can be applied to all different sized animals, from cats to hamsters and beyond. Some animals will have very short stumpy arms while others will have longer ones. Some villagers have slender, delicate arms, while others have bulkier ones. You can adjust the proportions of the shape to suit the character you’re drawing.

Legs on the other hand….those are a different can of worms. I’d like to preface this by saying that legs are another topic I’d love to go into greater detail on if there is interest because this graphic could afford to do the topic a bit more justice.

As with arms, most animals have the same simple cylinder that can be widened and extended as needed to suit the body of the animal. Birds once again have a unique trait in this department, but beyond that, leg styles vary widely. Mostly in the foot department, I should say. When starting off you’ll find that most animals maintain a cylindrical leg even if they have a unique foot, and in most cases the foot can be constructed out of a dome shape attached to the cylinder. Not unlike a plunger, if for some reason the stick was on one side of the plunger rather than in the center. On top of that, human characters can now wear a large variety of shoes, making this a second topic that I felt went beyond the scope of this exercise. If you’re interested in a more thorough explanation of Animal Crossing legs and feet, feel free to let me know. I just might write about it in more detail in a future installment.

But never fear! Feet, like most unique animal traits, do share similar design elements across the entire game even when they don’t look particularly alike.

Designing Unique Features

So you’re an artist who wants to draw a specific character, or maybe you want to design a brand new character. You can construct a simple animal body, but then what? What makes this character Your Character™ rather than Bob or Molly or Flora?

Despite how similar these animals all are in basic constructions, each animal and human has their own unique design elements that set them apart from one another. It is nigh impossible to cover every single interesting design element of every single animal in every single game, so here are some tips that will aid you in drawing any element you decide to apply to a character while still keeping them cute as a button.

Just like up top, I reiterate. Big, round, soft shapes. Even the most hardcore animals in Animal Crossing look soft and huggable to some degree.

Take for example, these animals who all should be at least a little bit scary.  Animal Crossing’s art style keeps them appealing even with their rougher traits on display. Alfonso the alligator should logically be among the most feared of reptiles, yet his sleepy eyes, gently sloping snout, chubby cheeks, and tubby belly give him all the charm of a stuffed animal. His pointy teeth feel more like a clumsy after thought than a mechanism for killing prey.

Coco the bunny is designed to look like a haniwa figure, an item commonly buried with the dead  during the Yayoi period of Japanese history. Coco’s Japanese name is, in fact, Yayoi. In addition, many items in her house are reminiscent of Japanese funeral decor.  She’s supposed to be a little unsettling. Her facial expression does not change like those of other villagers, so she can’t smile at you or put you at ease the way other characters can. Indeed, Coco wears a permanent somber appearance, but even so, she looks sweet and pleasant to touch. Her face is completely curved and she is given the body of a bunny villager.  Her huge, round ears and tiny, dainty paws evoke the charm of a little rabbit even from a villager whose whole design is meant to remind one of death.

Rasher the pig and Spike the rhino have similar charm. Both of them don scars all over their bodies and in some cases wear aggressive looking shirts in their rough or rustic homes. Still, with Rasher’s big sleepy eyes and friendly round belly, he could almost give you a Winnie the Pooh vibe if you squint hard enough. Spike, meanwhile, has had his horns rounded ever so slightly at the tips and his curved hooves and short tail make him seem far from threatening. Even the most edgy creatures in the Animal Crossing universe can appear somehow friendly by making use of these softening design elements.

Go Forth and Draw

And that, in essence, has been my broad overview of Animal Crossing’s art style. I consider that last tidbit to be the most valuable tip of all. By closely studying the way Animal Crossing characters use round bodies, gradual slopes, and pleasant curves, you can make even the most threatening of animal characters look cute and perfectly cuddly for your town, village, or island.

Once again, please let me know if there are particular elements of the Animal Crossing style you’d like me to look into more closely. This has been a very broad and very general overview of the character designs, but I would absolutely love to dive deeper into this art style. If you use this guide to improve your Animal Crossing drawings, feel free to tag me on Instagram, Deviantart, or Tumblr, so I can see what cool art you’ve made!

Have a great weekend, The Internet! Can’t wait to see you again for the next Fandom Friday. If you need me, I’ll be waterscaping a moat around Raymond’s house.

Get to know the author!

name : red, niza, hell you could even call me pavel if you wanted to idgaf. i'll respond to any name so long as i know it's me whose attention you're trying to get. pronouns :  i take any pronouns tbh. preference of communication : disco. even if it takes me some time to see it or respond, i'm always on there. most active muse :  pasha. experience / how many years :  what, fifteen years now? give or take? idk man. best experience : the people i've met and the stories / worlds we've weaved, hands-down. i've met people through rp who are some of the most dear people to me irl and i'm so happy to have met them through this little hobby that i don't tell anyone else irl about that i'm into. i've got inside jokes for days from old rps that i'll take to my grave. i've (i think) grown as a writer so much even in just my short return to tumblr and keep meeting more great people. rp pet peeves : right now, definitely this new editor (it counts). people who remake their blog every week because i just can't keep up with that. 40x40 icons with a border that has 1800 things going on because i end up looking at the border and don't know where the actual fc icon is. they're usually pretty as fuck, don't get me wrong, but it detracts from what the icon's really meant to be used for imo. fluff, angst, or smut : i'm going to have to go with angst/drama. usually because it's part of something very multi-faceted and deep and wild that forces me to push my muse and explore them in greater depth. fluff i can handle for a while, but it often has little plot on its own and i prefer it as an add-on to something else that's happening, or maybe it's advancing relationships/the plot somehow. i love to talk about the smutty side of relationships/dynamics, but i'm not confident in writing it, plus where pav's concerned, not sure how much i'd really ever be in the position to have to worry about that anyway. plots or memes : memes are a hell of a lot of fun and they definitely kickstart interactions (says me who never really reblogs memes ever), but i've learned i prefer plotting, no question. i get invested in plotted memes and having even some sort of path and knowledge of what i'm working with really helps me expand on this world that's being created in a way i can't with just winging it without feeling like i'm taking control or overstepping or what have you. plus, plots allow me to go fuck-all wild and really chat and have a good time with the other mun. long or short replies :  i am going to say long because i cannot keep my replies short. i always end up getting carried away and saying too much, whether it's internal thoughts, actions, or describing a setting. time to write: honestly, anytime the inspiration strikes. sometimes that is early, sometimes it's at 0300. i have no set time where i sit down and say now i write!! though i do find that i have the most inspiration when i am in places i don't want to be. for example, i think i write some of my best replies on mobile when i'm stuck at my desk at work. are you like your muse : hmmm in some ways. much like pav, i do actually love to learn and i hate not knowing things (though my memory is nowhere near as good as his, so i forget things quite often.) i also have a very strained relationship with my dad, but for different reasons.

tagged by: @transcendcnce, @nebulaties, @my-timing-is-digital, & @gnosticpriesthood (ta you guys!) tagging: you! over there!

Aight so I did the remaking of a tumblr about a year ago but now I am really gonna start trying to use it. Can't edit my actual blog until I get a pc again so that's fun but here's a little bit about me!

1: I do art sometimes lol, this picture here is of my online persona. Right now my art is on pause due to not having a working computer, unless I get motivation to try traditional again.

2: I have many pets! And you will probably see many pictures of them! They are a dog, 3 cats, and 3 rats uwu

3: I am a gay transmasculine demiboy, most likely also asexual?? Idk the urge to get dicked down and being repulsed by the thought fluctuates a LOT lmao.

4: Not really about me but I think I'm gonna make sideblogs for things. Like make a grimoire on one, a recipe blog on another...those might be the only 2 I keep more or less separate from my main blog. Just so I can have different custom styles for them without having to scroll through miles of code to add more to each one, yknow? Unless I find another way to do it idk we shall see when I get a computer to try it on again lol

5: Uhh...I am a part of many fandoms. Some I still have to admittedly catch up on (i.e. Supernatural, Doctor Who, and Sherlock. Also Homestuck I guess cause I haven't read Homestuck2 in a while lmao). Right now though I am rewatching the first season of The Owl House cause I saw Disney+has the second season. Then I will be watching the new stuff for Inside Job and The Cuphead Show.

6: I play videogames! Mostly on my ps4 rn cause I, again, don't haveba working computer. But I play some GTAV Online, Overwatch 2, and wanna get back to playing Cyberpunk 2077. When I have my computer I also play Wizard101 since I am now an adult with money and can go to the areas I couldn't as a kid without money. I have too many games I haven't finished yet cause my interests can change constantly, but maybe someday I will finish them who knows? Not me!

7: I want to make this to 10 points so...music? I like music. I have yet to find a song I absolutely HATE but back to interests changing a lot it's the same for music. I have to be in a particular mood for certain songs which is just...amazing when I'm in control of the music in social situations.

8: I'm into the paranormal, divination, and other witchy things. I haven't started participating in witchcraft as much as I would've liked to but...that is going to change now that I'm in a place I feel comfortable and safe in.

9: Sometimes I'm funny 🤷‍♂️

10: I made it to 10! I really can't think of anything else to add so...I just want to say my blog is a safespace for everyone and anyone. I'll try my best to tag things with potential triggers but if I miss any just let me know and I will fix it asap!

It's done.

Fooled Around (and Fell in Love) - Part 3, is done.

I could ramble for hours about how I feel right now and as much as I'd love to lie and say I'll try to be a bit succinct to spare you all a long, emotional essay -- that's not happening. My blog, my feels.

I think it's important for me to start by saying, 'Fooled Around' was a miracle project, it brought me out of years of writers' block. Up until July 2022, I had been writing-retired for seven years. There were a few times during that hiatus where I tried to write, but the words always felt forced and disingenuous. I honestly believed I'd never write fanfic again -- then one night, out of nowhere, I got a comment on an old fic and it reignited my passion.

I spent that whole night re-reading my old works, delving into my personal archives, reading the outlines of WIPs that were never finished and that's when I came across my original outline from 2015 for a Jemily fanfic based on 'Imagine Me and You'.

I even had a couple of chapters already written from back then, it wasn't very good, it was admittedly just a scene-for-scene remake.

And for whatever reason, after seven years, I saw this WIP and went "Huh, I think I'd like to finish that."

With that, Fooled Around (and Fell in Love) was born. I wrote the entirety of Part 1 in ten days and the thing was, it wasn't even labelled 'Part 1' because I had no intention of making this into a series when I was writing it.

But by the time I had it fully posted, I already realised how much I wanted to keep writing these characters. When I began Part 2 in September 2022, there were only TWO other fics on AO3 in the JJ/Tara tag (there are now 26!). I loved writing their story and creating my polyam OT3 which I lovingly call, Je T'Emily.

Part 2 took less than three weeks to write and when it was complete, it was my longest fic to date (87k) and this time, I really did feel contented with where the story ended.

Afterwards, I worked on other projects, wrote tons and tons of new fics, including my 101k Jemily saga: i can't be wrong (to be craving you).

All the while, my Fooled Around characters started popping up in the back of my mind again, little plot bunnies rattling around, keeping me up at night, until finally, I sat down in May and said 'What could Part 3 be about?'

What I never expected was for this fic to take SEVEN months to write. Previously, the longest I had ever spent on a single project was four months and those were babies compared to Part 3.

Part 3 not only eclipsed my previous 101k WC record for longest fic, it more than DOUBLED that. In the end, this fic turned out to be 220,000 words long (equivalent to a 960 page novel).

I wish I was the type of person who could be proud of their own achievements, but I'm not. Even as I write this, there's part of me saying just delete and never post it, because no one cares about any of this -- but I'm fighting that little voice, because I truly do want to document how it feels to complete such a massive fic.

I poured hundreds of hours into this story, I did SO much editing, so much re-writing, re-working. I had a total of four main characters, their individual plots, plus SIX other characters, and their subsequent side-plots. To weave threads and continuity through a project spanning seven months of work was no easy feat.

I learned so much about myself in the process. Both regarding my writing styles, my stamina, and the dire need for me to find balance with writing and my own well-being. I pushed myself into burnout and the last few months have been really difficult on me, but I was determined to finish what I started.

And now, I have.

Six months of weekly updates and it all ends this Friday and I couldn't be happier.

To any of my readers who have made it this far, thank you. Your weekly comments and support really were the motivation that kept me going through the worst of it. Please know your usernames are all known well amongst me and my partner, because I share all of your comments with them and rave about how amazing you all are for coming on this journey with me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. We may not know each other outside of AO3 comments or tumblr, but please know, I consider each and every one of you to be my friends and I cannot express my gratitude enough.

Pleased to tell you all, Fooled Around (and Fell in Love) will be back next year. Not as anything as massive as Part 3, but I'm planning to write a series of individual character epilogues to wrap up the series.

Until then, X.

WOE Characters

Jeeze I dunno why I let time slip away from me the past couple weeks. Let me breathe some life back into my quiet little blog with some updated character art and stuff about Reina Adamanta, the other major protagonist of WOE! (See the Ixis post here!)

Reina is the princess of Adamantia, daughter of King Gerald Adamanta and the late Queen Dyna Adamanta. Naturally energetic and adventurous since childhood, Reina has always dreamt of a life of excitement contrary to her pampered upbringing. She enjoys watching knights and soldiers spar in the training hall, often wondering if she could ever take up a sword for sport or adventure herself.

Befriending Ixis at a young age, she had to learn to be calm and gentle to not overwhelm the timid Etherean. Even in adulthood she sometimes struggles to restrain her excitable nature, but Ixis grew accustomed to and even fond of it over time.

(I'll talk more about writing and stuff after the keep reading break, but juuust in case anyone is new to WOE reading these, be forewarned; it will contain a couple spoilers.)

I know I've talked about this a few times already, but I've tried to change things up a lot more with Reina compared to Ixis in the new version of WOE. Primarily thanks to the people I got feedback from back when I was building the new foundation for the comic.

She had a weird evolution as I worked on the original WOE over the years. Like Ixis she was based on ideas I had toyed with since middleschool, but unlike Ixis she had a lot more issues that I tried and failed to iron out as things went on, overcompensating for tropes and shortfalls in ways that largely backfired.

She got a lot of criticism when I sought feedback for the remake. I'm not sure how well I have been able to and will be able to incorporate the feedback, but I'm trying my best to make her a more enjoyable character.

She'll still be held captive in chapter 3, but I think this time around I'll be able to do a much better job of showing both strength and courage as well as fear and vulnerability. I want the "damsel in distress" trope to be a moment of revelation and growth for her, rather than just something that happens because of my derivative writing. It was always meant to plant the seeds of her taking steps to make her adventurous daydreams into strength in reality, but I'm hoping it'll feel more natural this time.

I've been trying to include more character building for both Reina and the relationship between her and Ixis earlier in the story this time as well. She has moments of awkwardness trying to reconnect with Ixis. She acknowledges her spoiled upbringing and wants to be responsible despite her instinctive desire for a casual adventurous life. The romance between her and Ixis will be more mutually-blossoming compared to her forwardness in the original. Their childhood friendship is explored and shown more, rather than just loosely mentioned.

The connection between Reina and Ixis plays such a huge part in WOE's story, I want readers to care about them both. Who knows if I'll do a good job, but all I can do is try!

So I know that this isn't like strictly an advice blog or anything, but I was wondering if you could maybe give me some advice for my relationship? I'm polyam and there just aren't many blogs that'll take questions about it, so I'd appreciate a response even if it's just that you can't really answer my question.

Some background: I'm in a triad with two other guys (we're mlmlm and I love that for us) and I just absolutely adore them. They're two of the coolest people I've ever met and I kind of instantly wanted to be with them. I'm arospec, so that like literally never happens to me, and I was really surprised by how much I instantly vibed with them (the story of how we met and got together is fairly interesting, but not relevant to this). I've known I was polyam since I was a teen, but being arospec means that I haven't had many long term romantic relationships in my life, so I'm very excited to explore this new stuff.

My problem is that I'm just really insecure that I'm not good enough for them and that I'm just a third wheel that they're taking pity on. I know that's silly and it's just a combination of low self esteem and me internalizing toxic monogamy culture, but they're both so cool and have so much history that I'm just scared that I'm never gonna be as important to them as they are to me. N and H (that's what I'll call them for this) have been best friends for 12 years and have been dating for the past 3, whereas I only even met them a little under a year ago. And in terms of personality, N is so bold and confident and gregarious, and H is so witty and sarcastic and ambitious, whereas I'm just kinda... there.

I know they are attracted to me and want to be in a relationship with me, and I'm communicating with them about my insecurities, so mainly what I want help with is fighting the part of my brain that tells me that I'm just an unimportant extra to their lives. I want to figure out what of value I bring to the relationship and what makes me unique in my dynamic with each of them. I think that would help a lot, so if you have any exercises, or anything else that you think would help, I would appreciate it a lot!! Thanks so much!!

I would love to hear the story of how you met!

I also get having low self-esteem. I’m glad you’re already talking to your partners about how you feel. That’s the ideal first step.

And this totally is an advice blog! I love trying to help people: that’s why I’m here.

I look at things from a very borderline perspective. What works for me isn’t going to work for everyone else.

I have things that I consider “mine”. Like, my areas of interest, my shows, my books, etc. that I prefer others not engage in. I’m a very territorial person, but that means I’m able to bring things to the table that others I know maybe aren’t able to. However, one of the downsides to that is sometimes people aren’t interested in your interests and don’t really care to hear what you have to say about things, and would rather talk about what they like, making you feel left out. A good friend or partner will always listen and ask questions though.

You might be bringing them new relationship energy! I also know that whenever I gain an additional partner it makes me more aware of my current relationship and I end up using that new relationship energy or even new crush energy into being an even more positive partner and checking up on my main relationship. When I feel giddy from flirting with people I take that giddiness and turn it on my boyfriend and flirt with him and tell him how much I love him and how cute he is, etc. so when I’m feeling good, he feels good.

At some point in your life you’ve made a difference. We’ve all fucked up, and when you’re mentally ill it’s REALLY hard not to focus on those moments instead of all the good we’ve done. Just try to remind yourself if you can how much you’ve helped people, and how much you can help your partners by being there for them in the future.

Age old advice, but try your best to avoid self-deprecating thoughts. My mental health has been trash lately, especially the last few days, and my suicidal ideation and negative self esteem is through the roof, and I’m just constantly trashing myself and thinking about how bad of a person I am- and it’s easy because a few days ago I literally had people telling me how shitty and awful and bad I was and that I was selfish and childish- it’s not just my voice, it’s the voices of people I thought were my friends. I’m depressed, I’m in a rut, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to be alive, and every day is a fucking struggle. I’m trying my best to change things in my life to make myself even just a bit better- unfollowing certain people, remaking my discord, anything to avoid anything that’s going to make me feel even worse and try something. I know that no time soon am I going to be able to reorder my thoughts into something less self-deprecating/go over the horrible things that were said to me. But that’s an eventual goal. And even through all of that I make sure I don’t take any of it out on my partner. Because none of it is his fault and he’s been nothing but supportive to me.

Every day is a battle. Some days are good some days aren’t. I wish you the best in your mental health journey as someone who is right there fighting every day with you. Make sure you take care of other areas of your life so that those don’t weigh you down. Don’t ignore problems until they become too big to deal with, because that’s going to affect all parts of your life, including your relationship. And you are cool, I promise. Stay weird, stay sexy, and don’t get murdered.

About Me

Hello! My name is Sal and welcome to my blog, Suspirium! Suspirium is a word that originates from one of my favorite movies, Luca Guadagnino’s 2019 remake of Dario Argento’s classic italian horror movie Suspiria. According to World of Dictionary, Suspirium is a Latin word meaning “Deep breath, sigh”. It’s also the title of one of my favorite songs from the soundtrack to the movie produced by Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I’m a huge horror movie buff so expect to see a lot of that sort of content on my blog if I can incorporate it into any of my work. I chose this as the title of my blog because of how well the word fits into the movie, and I just love the way it sounds. Anybody who’s watched the movie will understand, but I won’t go into detail as to not spoil it for anybody who hasn’t yet seen it.

Throughout my highschool years I technically went to two schools. My main and home school was Middletown High School, and my secondary school was Orange Ulster Boces in Florida New York. In high school I was always in media production and art classes. For example, photography, video editing, drawing & painting classes and my favorite was an Elements of Horror class I took my senior year. Horror being my favorite genre, I absolutely had to take a class that’s dove into the origins of classic horror novels, films and short stories. Leading to me finding my favorite classic horror story Dracula by Bram Stoker, and a multitude of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. Continuing on now to college i’m now majoring in Media Production while also still taking some classes in Marketing and Design! I really enjoy both a lot so it’s hard to kind of pick exactly which I want to do, but it’s nice knowing that no matter what path I finally choose I'll still have some experience in the other!

Aside from my education, I love to watch horror movies and read stories in my own free time. Movies in general are a huge hobby of mine and I watch at least 3-4 a week given I have the time. Some of my favaroties of all time concerning classics have got to be the Halloween series, The Evil Dead series and all four of the Scream movies. Other hobbies of mine that take up a huge part of my life and time are video games and music. I have a pretty big record collection that’s continuously growing with at least 80-90 albums and counting. I just recently purchased a few more to add being Sade’s Diamond Life, Whitney Houston’s Whitney and Whitney Houston albums, Lazaretto by Jack White, Texas Sun by Khruangbin & Leon Bridges and Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams. Hopefully my next additions will be What’s Your Pleasure? by Jessie Ware and The Baby by Samia. I’ve been collecting them for years, but especially now since even CD’s are starting to go out of style. I’m the kind of person who still likes to have physical copies of all my music and movies and games so having such big collection is super special to me.

In terms of video games, I try and play as wide of a variety that I can because I believe I can find something I like in any genre. Strategy, shooters, brawlers, online competitive games etc, but I think my favorite style of game is single-player, narrative driven experiences. Most recently I played The Last of Us Part II and was absolutely enthralled with it. I loved the first game so much so getting a sequel was something I was extremely grateful for. I don’t think video games get enough credit for what they do for storytelling. TLOU 1 and 2 are some of my favorite stories that I have experienced in any form of media. The heartbreak, pain, love, fear and excitement those games have succeeded in giving me while just sitting in front of my TV is something no other form of entertainment has brought me. Some of the most touching moments, but also the most excruciating. They also had a queer women front and center throughout the games which is something that isn’t very common in video games so seeing that was really nice to me. Other than The Last of Us, some other solid narrative driven games I’ve played are God of War, Uncharted 1-4, Marvel’s Spider-Man, The Tomb Raider Reboots, Ghost of Tsushima, the Batman Arkham series and Control.

Although story based games are my favorites that doesn’t mean I don’t have a place in my heart for some good old fashioned fun as well! I also really enjoy a lot of the Super Mario and Legend of Zelda games as well. My biggest pet peeve that I have with the gaming industry right now though is Fortnite. I think it’s literally the most annoying game ever created. People spend hundreds and thousands of dollars just to buy skins and weapon packs and I think it’s absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I work at a major video game retailer and constantly have kids running through my store screaming about the damn game at least once a day could also contribute to my hatred. Either way, I want no part and absolutely nothing to do with it.

Going back to queer representation though. I recently watched Pose over the summer. Not only was the show heavily based during the AIDS epidemic in New York City, almost the entirety of the main cast was comprised of Transgender Black women. On prime time television! This is the first show to ever achieve such a feat. Not only was the cast extremely talented, I thought the writing and production of the show as a whole was brilliant. It definitely has its flaws and I could point out a few of them, but I believe all of the good of the show far outweighs the bad. It’s not afraid to tackle extremely real and difficult subjects the Transgender and Black communities have faced in this country and all over the world. It’s so important to see content like this on television as well because EVERYBODY deserves representation. Not only was the cast Trans, but one of the lead writers of the series Janet Mock is also a Black Trans woman! Pose was filled with heartfelt moments that truly had me sobbing in my bed as I watched. I think I actually cried at pretty much every single episode for both seasons. The cast is brilliant, the realism and talent and star power they bring to the show is like nothing that I’ve ever seen before and I’m so glad to be able to see them up on my television. I so badly one day hope that I can be behind the scenes of producing a show of this caliber some day.

While I have yet to help in the production of a show like this, I have had my fair share of of making short films, music videos and even assisting on a friend of mine’s first full length movie that he submitted to festivals. Last year, I had the opportunity to shoot a short horror film with my classmates for our final project. The film was based around a young woman getting trapped at her school in the middle of a blizzard, and slowly beginning to realize that she may not be alone. In a fight for her life, she has to survive till morning while going up against a mysterious killer who lurks the halls of her small town college. Sadly, we didn’t have enough time to produce a full and finalized cut of the film but coming together and working with a few other classmates was still a really fun experience. Not only was I able to play the role of the killer, I aided in audio, music selection, location scouting, props department, shot planning and writing the movie and it was a great time. I also had the pleasure of helping out my friend Matt Vincini in shooting his short film The Cattle Farmer. A horror/thriller film about a boy who is adopted into a family, only to realize that his life might have been planned from the start. It featured a mysterious woodland family who may or may not have had cannibalistic tendencies that included their adopted children. It was a super cool experience to be on a set with a bunch of actors and seeing my friend in action in the role of director. Collaborating on projects like this with friends is always a fun time, even it does get stressful at some points. At one point in the film, one of the characters realizes that the dinner he is currently eating could quite possible be his last meal ever. Which kinda let me to thinking what my last meal would be. After some thinking, I think i’d definitely have to choose my families homemade pasta and meatballs. I know, pretty stereotypical for an Italian family but it’s just so good. We make our own sauce every september and it’s a huge family event. Everybody comes together and one of our houses and it’s literally a whole days worth of work. The best part? At the end of the night, we all have a huge feast and make pasta and meatballs with all of the sauce we just made. It’s one of my favorite things to do with my family and always one of my favorite meals. Not only is it delicious, but also sentimental.

This is all for now! Thanks for stopping by my blog and reading a little bit about me. I could probably keep rambling on for hours but I don’t think that’s the smartest idea. I can’t wait to fill this blog with more content this year and hope to hear from you guys as well! Until then, i’ll be watching more movies and DEFINITELY playing some more games. At this point i’ve been playing the new Marvel’s Avengers video game so, let me get back to kicking some AIM ass!