#🪦 vent
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1/30/24 ;; 12:42 AM ☆
vent.
what are we doing here? no like actually, what the fuck are any of us doing here? what, pray tell, is the fucking point? what is going to stop me from stabbing myself in the fucking throat and bleeding out. no one is awake. no one will know until the morning. what is the fucking point. something is very wrong with my brain right now and the only way i can fuckimg describe it is shrimp emotions. i feel fucking insane. every day is a living hell. i'm just expected to keep living and subjecting myself to the fucking agony that is breathing. and for what? can anyone give me an actual real answer that won't make me fucking scoff or roll my eyes?
like. fucking god. i don't know. i might be dissociating. i had a VOD going and suddenly got an ad for fucking. something or other i don't even know. but i saw this guy talking about how he wanted to give his kids a chance for the future and i thought he was fucking disgusting. i don't know why. he's probably pretty nice in real life. but i looked at him and he made me fucking sick and hearing him talk aboit giving his kids a future made me feel fuckiing sick and i dknt know why
and now im freaking out and i dont know whta to do like how do you just casuallys ay "hey i saw an ad that made me lose my grip on reality and now im thinking aboit killing muself?" like yiu csnt just do that theres no good way to do that without making yourself look like a fucking piece of shit
i wanna try and ct myself again i dknt know . maybe it'll work this time mayne it'll make me feel better. i haven't sropped thinkinf about it since the other day. i dont know i dont mnow i dont know. i miss 🎸 and i kinda miss 👁 honestly at least if 👁 was here he'd be abke to make me focus on how miserable he is instesd of how miserable i am
everyday is a living fucking hell and im trapped in a populace of fucking morons. i m going to tear my fucking hair out. i need to have my fucking teeth knocked out. i need to get stabbed multiple times in the chest and die for a little while possibly forever. whats the fucking point. whats the fucking point. please kill me
#🪦 vent#💉 ex#🔪 suic#988blr#lol#please look at my vent pls dignifiy it with attention please#give me online validation so i dont fucking [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]
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a violent dog , all bark no bite
i use they/he/rot/bone/hym
001. DISORDERS
002. BYF
003. DNI
004. TAGS
CONFIRMED DISORDERS
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD, Autism)
Other Specified Dissociative Disorder-1b (OSDD-1b)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)
Schizoaffective Disorder (Schizoaff, Schizospec, Psychosis)
and more im not comfortable sharing on here
BEFORE YOU INTERACT
i dont tag trigger warnings or content warnings
i might reblog from sh blogs. DOESNT MEAN IM ON THAT SIDE OF TUMBLR. (example; sh culture is)
im bad at communication to anyone that isnt close with us
may not post vents ;-(
im alterhuman and a xenogender user , i also use neopronouns
dont feed into anything please.
DO NOT INTERACT
endogenic, willowgenic, nontraumagenic, median, and tulpa "systems"
proshippers, comshippers, anti-anti, and profic
DDLG and fetishistic age-regression/pet-regression
pro/neu contact paraphilia, contradictory and "good faith" identities, including lesboys/gaybians and mspec lesbians/gays
against xenogenders, xenopronouns, or neopronouns, liom, or mogai
believes in narcissistic abuse
"irl yandere"
TAGS
╰ ‘ 🐶🪦 ’ › anon tag / my anons
╰ ‘ 🦴 ’ › vent
╰ ‘ 🫀 ’ › lovemail
╰ ‘ 🏚️ ’ › vent
╰ ‘ 🧟🐾 ’ › ramble
╰ ‘ 💭🧠 ’ › love
dividers by t-reki , intro inspo @ruestep
#╰ ‘ 🐶🪦 ’ › anon tag#╰ ‘ 🦴 ’ › vent#╰ ‘ 🫀 ’ › lovemail#╰ ‘ 🏚️ ’ › vent#╰ ‘ 🧟🐾 ’ › ramble#╰ ‘ 💭🧠 ’ › love
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Sad day today
#no haircut :( next week though#im not gonna say everything that happen bc its whatever. just know i went thru a lot trying to find the place and when i finally found it .#the lady doesn't do short hair#so i did a lot of shit for nothing#well not for nothing#cos i have an appointment but#had my heart broken today 😔#it was almost cartoonishly evil... it started sprinkling rain on me as i was trying to find this place and holding back tears#but im proud of myself for trying so hard and not giving up#it was awful but i talked to a bunch of people and did stuff i was uncomfortable with#im so much braver than i was before#vent#afterwards i went to hot topic and got myself a skelanimal plush and some earrings#and blue raspberry lemonade from the mall stall but it . was a mistake drinking that before even eating breakfast#griffin's diary 🪦
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are you okay ? /gen
not really 😭 seeing marina follow (accidentally of course, not on purpose) ppl who shit on my existence sucks. like, i get it, marina isn't a mspec lesbian but i am. i didnt ask to be what i am or even to exist anyways so it just sucks to see it literally on every editors dni. -sidney
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i dont know how much longer i can do this
everything always ends after just a short while
what am i doing wrong
am i too much again?
am i taking up too much space again?
am i too sad again?
its always just me left alone, i always stay.
i cant move because that's what everyone else does.
but i dont know why i keep waiting
i just wish someone was happy about my presence for once
i wish someone wanted me the way i want them
to envelop another soul and take in everything they have
but nobody wants me like that
im broken, ugly, and difficult
there is almost no good left in me
im saving it all for you
hoping you dont leave
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I really am just having a day🫠
#tried eating#tried finding some entertainment#can’t even draw🪦#I can barely even comprehend words being spoken to me💀#which really sucks cuz this talk over transformers vision and stuff would be great to get into and explore#but man.#must’ve lost my last brain cell today or something#vent? ish?#I’m just tired without wanting to sleep or something#I should be fine tomorrow 🦐
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happy disability pride month! i hope everyone who doesn’t put flash warnings on posts fucking dies.
#IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO TAG YOUR POSTS CORRECTLY#YOU ARE LITERALLY PUTTING LIVES AT RISK IF YOU DON’T.#🪦my posts#🪦disability#disabled#disability#cripplepunk#cpunk#disabled awareness#disability vent#chronic illness#chronically ill#epilepsy#photosensitivity#FND
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….. This is why we don’t go downstairs. This exact fucking reason.
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2/20/24 ;; 1:12 AM ☆
vent.
okay HONESTLY in terms of mental health stuff things have been. Okay. like not bad not great they fluctuate heavily bc of the personality disorder same as always. but recently i've been so fucking angry about all my physical issues.
like, okay, off the top of my head: chronic hives came back and are as bad as they were in middle school. i've been getting lightheaded more recently and experiencing vertigo. the possibly-tendonitis possibly-arthritis idk-🍷-has-both. constant pain (minor). the an*rgasmia. eyesight getting worse. the constant lack of breath. the weird pain that feels like my bones are locking up in my right foot sometimes.
i haven't gotten a check-up in roughly three years. i haven't gone to the eye doctor in roughly four. my dentist stopped taking our insurance. despite asking almost three months ago about seeing a gynocologist to get birth control, no progress has been made there either. i haven't gotten a covid booster in two years and it's probably been at least five years since i've gotten a flu shot.
(italics developed more recently, bold has been a problem consistently/for a while)
i always tell 🍷 when something is wrong physically, because i think she'll understand it as a problem and do something about it, like taking me to a doctor. i cannot drive, i cannot afford to make and pay for and go to appointments on my own. i always tell her when something is wrong because she is the person who is supposed to help me fix them but these problems are only getting worse and honestly? i'm worried.
last night, i experienced vertigo so bad that when i stood up, i immediately collapsed back down on my bed, completely involuntarily. when i told 🍷 she just said to be careful. she knows i get lightheaded. i have almost fainted in the shower three times. this is the first time i have gotten it this bad outside of a shower
she goes to the doctor. 🍷 went to the doctor probably at least four times last year. probably more. and i haven't gone to one at all in three.
i just don't know what to do. this stuff isn't like, normal. it's not healthy. i should be seeing a doctor about this stuff. it's not normal to be in constant pain or almost faint in the shower three times or have your right foot very suddenly start cramping for no reason. it's not normal but nothing is being done about any of it and i just don't know what to do.
i'm honestly only thinking about it right now because i was (annoyedly, pissily) thinking about the an*rgasmia. and i was gonna make a post about that, about how that's probably never getting fixed. and then i was like "actually there is a lot that's physically wrong with me that is never getting fixed i don't think."
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since this person clearly did not read the posts i had written vvv
let me specify- once again.
the post(s) were not intended for endogenics in the slightest. it was a vent about my abuser being a raging cunt to endogenics in the same way he abuses me.
use your reading comprehension skills next time, especially since i was actively indirectly defending your community against the vile words of someone being disgusting to all of you.
i genuinely believe that this is precisely why no one who is anti endo attempts to speak up when we believe someone is treating endogenics unfairly. jesus fucking christ.
and once again- for the final time-
endogenic “systems” and their supporters, do not fucking interact.
#dead rambles // 🪦#actually plural#anti endo#endo dni#this is exactly why people don’t attempt to defend y’all#once again#directed vent towards my abuser
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Hmmmm
#griffin's diary🪦#i feel like every day i get a little braver#sorry i keep talking about the same thing but im really excited about getting a haircut#i feel like im gonna be the happiest little guy at the barber#i think ill get an eyebrow notch#i hope my mom isnt too mad#after that i might go to hot topic and get something to celebrate#i havent even called yet but im really really excited so im making plans#ill try to call tomorrow!#i just hope this feeling doesn't go away... i wanna actually go out and do stuff and make friends hopefully#i wish my uni had clubs bc i would join one#be the change you want there to be in the world... yeah but i dont know if im brave enough for that yet#i hope so though#it would be nice to have an irl friend#i dont think I'm just shy i do think ive got some sort of social anxiety...#cos do shy people physicially shake when you do group social project in class? i don't think thats the norm?#i really considered dropping out of a class at the beginning of the semester bc i learned there would be a presentation as the final#i was really upset about it. didnt turn out to be that bad thankfully#im gonna stop before this fully turns into a vent i wanna preserve my happy mood
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TA: Does someone want to explain why the solution to “there is a possibly haunted doll in our room and Graves is not going to like that” was to hide it in the closet? Because yeah, not having to see it would work for Quinn who’s problem with it is the possibility of eye contact, it doesn’t work for me because my problem is proximity.
TA: I get it, you’re sentimental because it reminds you of the dolls we weren’t allowed back in preschool, but jesus fucking christ, please just give it away. If I have to deal with that thing at the same time as whatever reality issues we’re having. Idk. It’s not like I think it’s the cause of said issues, but just to be absolutely certain. Get it out of here.
TA: Also if you’re going to draw all day, do it at the downstairs table, this fucking headache is killing me.
#dirk strider fictive#homestuck fictive#bro strider fictive#graves rambles 🪦#leaving this here half as a vent post and half because I know for sure I’ll see it when I’m one of the others
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TAGS & THEIR MEANINGS
⚔️ // source posts
💭 // memory posts
🪦 // vent posts
🗝️ // requests, gifts, etc.
💌 // laios posting
💬 // random
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i'm really paralyzed lately bc i have no idea how to like ? move forward. i have no idea. my grief is so big all the time, talking to people is hard, feeling safe is hard. i'm just really sad, all the time lmao
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hahahaha these fuckers denied my time off… AFTER ALL THE SHIT WE DO FOR THEM???? Anger doesn’t even describe how we feel. We will make those sorry sacks of shit feel bad for us. “oh the poor little baby had to do all this just to get their check today” is what everyone else will say and we will bask in the way their faces turn pale as we recount the way we have had to suffer this past month just to be present there.
They are fucking lucky we didn’t just walk the hell out. They’re lucky Dito only got out for a few minutes.
Ha… This is diabolical. We hate them. We’ve dealt with re-discovering trauma for THIS treatment. i hope this place burns to the ground.
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2/7/24 ;; 8:18 AM ☆
vent.
god maybe i should just drop out. i dunno what to do. i think one of my teachers is discriminating against me?? i should not be failing this class, my grade converts to 82.71%, but then it just says F. it doesnt show my weighted average. and apparently she went to my advisor and told him i should drop due to poor performance. i only have two zeroes. i've been working really hard to try and pull that grade up. i don't know what to do. i explained everything to my advisor and sent him screenshots of my grades and explained how it doesnt calculate properly and he just told me to contact my teacher directly or the communications department head. i wanna die. what the fuck am i doing. i wanna die so bad. i emailed my teacher and if she doesnt do anything then yeah ill go to the department head. im so sick of this
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