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mooneyedandglowing · 4 years

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I came downstairs and my mother was making my dinner. I had the suspicion she was doing so when at 10pm I had yet to complete all I needed to complete for the day she sent me a text saying "you need to eat" (forget grammar rn I'm through) and I replied to her text about how I still had things to do and I heard the doggy gate that separates the kitchen from the rest of the house open and close

I came down an hour later and my suspicions were confirmed and it made my heart so warm

My love language is acts of service

I believe I've scarcely felt as loved as I did seeing her trying to decide between ancient grains or spinach noodles

I took a shower and let the hot water hit hard on my rheumatic toes. My pinky toes look like they might burst. I could never sell feet photos. That's for sure.

I thought to cry. I thought better of that. I got dressed in pajamas and went to help out in the kitchen. Even though acts of service are my love language I cannot do nothing at all. I cannot only receive. Because it is how I hear and speak my love. Here. I've provided for you. Here. I've toiled for us.

Let me keep us safe and well. Let me protect. Let me take care.

(Watch my back. Be the look out.)

Some people. Many people. Think it is just the absolute worst love language. I've had someone flat out refuse me on it. Too prideful.

I thought. Well.

I tried so many ways in my mind to work out a single sign of care. And did I ever find one?

I don't believe I'm angry about it. Or even hurt. Although I was both for a long time.

I suppose now I'm just more resigned to what the truth was. And I am more accepting of all I am as well.

It's cringe to recall the fact that I allowed it and hoped to be wrong

I thought no this has to be a friend a true connection a sort who could understand me and yet and yet

This person who recoiled from me were only ever drawn towards me in any capacity because they created a falseness where I stood. I mean fantasy. And it felt nice for someone to think so highly of you although I always knew it wasn't ever really me but a caricature. I am as we all know no such thing. I mean no fantasy of any kind. And I am almost feral about it now. I am hostile with revealing my faults. I tell on myself. I expect to be whipped and to withstand it.

It's very 8 of me. Like I stand alone blistered on some sand dune with nothing in sight but more punishment to endure, overcome.

I think. I care not if you even think well of me.

Isn't that it? No one will ever think anything of me if they won't even look at me. Me.

I'm a crude sight unleashed

Turn away avert your eyes

How many memories of that do I have? Of people refusing to see me? Wilfully misunderstanding me?

I must be so unsightly.

And then when I had dashed all delusions I was distraction and not even that interesting of one

And I thought fine to that as well. No longer able to hurt about it. No longer able to mind. No longer even seeing a reason for any protest.

Fine I have thought again and again re: all the people in my life that refuse to know me at all

Another man said recently that my way of being is a form of femininity and a vital form

And I felt a great affection for them to say so when I so often feel as if I've turned crone and will thus be cast so far out that I'm entirely wild and cease to care at all

And yet there's this tiny little thing inside of me.

My mother in an epiphany said today:

"Oh. Underneath it all, you're frightened - you're so scared."

What a glaring truth

What a thing as well to admit here

An ex girlfriend would always tell me that anger is the scared man's hurt

And I have been a scared man

And continue to be (I almost deleted this. It almost stops my breath to read what I've written but there for all you you's you have another terrible thing about me to grow even more disillusioned by)

But who could best my courage of that I have plenty of that I test constantly

I need to sleep. The dogs are barking.

And I am desperate to edit. Read. I am desperate.

And I am still a monstrous thing with toes that will one day twist and a heart that goes so often without that it feeds on itself and yet

I clean up the kitchen for my mother. Scoop her body into a hug. And make the ice I know she'll like to have the next day

And I go to my bed feeling, despite being such a creature a witch a crone a monster a beast an unsightly thing, very much in love with myself

Very much in love with everything else

#free write #personal #diary #stream #thoughts #life #feelings #cackles in crone

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burden-in-my-hand · 7 years

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Getting to know me!!

I was tagged by the beautiful ladies @haunterrr And @stranger-ghoul thanks lovelies ;)

How tall are you?: ehhh..erm..maaaybe like 5'6/5'7

What color and style is your hair?: Naturally my hair is blonde. A LONG time ago it was naturally platinum, those days are gone though. RN my hair is teal and it needs to be re colored, it’s that time again. Style wise, I used to have a Mohawk but am going for a pixi/undercut now a days.

What color are your eyes: Green but, they change hue depending on what I’m wearing. I’m special like that.

Do you wear glasses?: Yes. I have bifocals (I know, it fucking sucks man). I am basically supposed to wear them when I’m reading, watching tv, using the computer, driving. You know..anytime I need to focus on anything

Do you wear braces?: nope. Never had to wear those torture devices.

What is your fashion/sense of style?: if you asking what my predetermined stereotyped category is, I don’t have one. I don’t really like labels and I just go with whatever I like. One day it could be a flannel, ripped jeans and boots, the next a maxi skirt and a floppy hat, another skinny jeans, chucks and band logo t, and another a dress and flip flops. I don’t set myself to any category. I work a lot though so mostly if I’m not working I’m in a band t and my sweat pants haha

Do you have a sibling?: Yes, I have a younger brother who is about 6 years younger than I. He’s the smart one, I’m the artsy one so I guess we are two halves of a whole.

What kind of student were you?: um..I haven’t been in school in a while, but when I was I would say c average. I hated school. I only had a few teachers I liked and I didn’t really like anyone haha. I was a dreamer and a goth chick so I stood out and at the time that wasn’t fun.

What were your favorite subjects?: well, I excelled in art, English and Drama but I also enjoyed some history and civics (because I got to debate which was fun)

What’s your favorite TV shows?: Honestly, Im not a huge TV person but some of my favorites have included; stranger things, the X-files, Black Mirror, Deadwood, Doc. Who, Les Revenants, Walking Dead, American Horror Story and Friends. Favorite Books: ok, now your talking my language. Alright, I could list so many books, asking my favorite is impossible so I’ll list some that I’ve loved; Anything Stephen King but my favorite hands down is his Dark Tower series. He has said that it’s his magnum opus and I have to concur. The Lord of the rings, The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy, The Cosmere series by Brandon Sanderson, Dune, The Death Books in the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett, Otherland and memory, sorrow and thorn series by Tad Williams

Favorite pastimes : the things that take up most of my time are art, guitar, reading and of course Tumblr :)

Regrets? Of course. I wish I did everything right the first time around but alas that is just not the way humanity is. I try to learn from those mistakes though and live my life with no regrets.

What is your dream job? I want to be a female lead guitarist in a touring metal band..I’m working on that.

Do you want to get married? I already was once but that’s a story for another time. Will I ever again? Well…never say never but it’s not something I plan for myself no. I’m content with just finding a committed relationship.

Do you want kids? Again..never say never but it’s not something I plan for myself.

How many countries have you visited? I have been to Japan and Jamaica. I plan on traveling the world so hopefully most of this planet before my time comes.

OK! I’m tagging @therealcrybaby @betteroffdeaddesigns @betterneko @spayceghoul @metalhat @ghu-leh @ghulehtela @the-human-stain-k @spice-ghoul @tothepit @misslavender @wilder-wein Annnnd anyone else who wants to do it!!

#my computer died so I had to do this all on Mobil #let me tell you...#it wasn't fun #getting to know the blogger

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