from In the House With No Doors by Sarah Kay

except that i didn't know i'll turn out like this. i was such a smart, pretty, charismatic kid. i don't want to blame the world for how i turned out but i'm sure i wouldn't lead to this destructive version of myself if there wasn't any external triggers. if no one told me i was the things i wasn't. i try not to blame anyone, i really try to. but doing that means admitting everything was my fault and that isn't fair because i was just a child.

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

PLEASEEE

shaking six year old me by the shoulders YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT LOVE AND ABOUT FAIRNESS AND ABOUT SHARING IS CARING. YOU WERE RIGHT. THE ADULTS DON’T KNOW ANY MORE ABOUT TRUTH THAN YOU DO. KEEP BELIEVING IN THE FAIRIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN. NOTHING IS “JUST THE WAY IT IS”. I AM SORRY THEY EVER CONVINCED YOU TO FEEL SHAME. YOU ARE REAL AND A PART OF THIS WORLD. YOU WERE RIGHT.

If it’s humiliating for a man to do then it’s humiliating for a woman to do, you’re just used to women being humiliated

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

tw: mentions of grief, loss, and some other negative feelings.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

🌷 : today's song – interlude // aly remulla , emn’98ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

07 / 03 / 23

today, i woke up early. (around 6 am) the first thing i usually do fix my side of bed (i share a room bed with my mom) then after that, i go and prepare calamansi water :DD me and mom drink calamansi water every morning before breakfast. it has a lot of health benefits according to her in which i forgot, but since it has the potential to make you lose weight and i noticed that it improved my digestive system, i continued on drinking it.

ever since lola past away (just this year, may 29.) we've tried getting into healthier habits. my family were never all that sweet or that caring. especially my uncles and aunties to each other but i noticed that ever since uncle's wife came and helped arrange the funeral, her caring nature has rubbed on us. i love it : ) hehe. we now focus on taking care of grandpa. he even started eating an apple everyday for his health. we've learned a lot i guess. honestly though, i found myself getting back to my original unhealthy habits recently (but i swear, I am doing my best to counter it) and have gotten a bit more comfortable and happier even since she passed away. though i'm still blaming myself for her death due to some circumstances i am too lazy to elaborate. because of that, i avoid on wearing my headphones even though i comforts me and clears my mind. it's not a punishment for myself (maybe a bit) but mostly, it's just ’cause mom told me that if i noticed grandma was gone inside my room (i used to have a room of my own before. when the funeral was over, grandpa transferred into my room) earlier and maybe heard her fainting or struggling (in the bathroom. that's where she passed away.) if i wasn't wearing headphones, maybe she could've been saved. she had always told me to stop wearing it because i drift away from my reality. i am always in my head. she inflicted in me such a heavy feeling and i wish she considered that i was grieving too before saying that. it still hunts me and i feel as guilty as ever when i wear my headphones now. i've worn it about 3 times since she died (i used to wear it whenever i use my laptop) but i keep relapsing and going back to feeling guilty and blaming myself. one of my friends said i shouldn't be blaming me for things that are out of my control but i don't know, maybe it was in my control. maybe the reason as to why she visits my aunts and uncles in their dreams but do not visit me is because she could have been saved if it wasn't for me. damn.

anyways, lmao. sorry for the drama, after i drank calamansi water, i went outside for a walk and to buy breakfast. i had sinangag and egg with ma ling! :DD it was really good and i only had it because i just got my allowance this week. it's quite expensive, to eat it everyday. after breakfast, i watched a series in netflix for some time before preparing to go to school. my school ended already but since i am a part of the publication, i had to go for a meeting and a surprise training. it was fun, though my head was floating in space as i write it. there are so many things holding me back from actually achieving my real potential in writing that time. sometimes though, the shackles break and words just flow into me. I don't know when my head started to feel blank yet too filled at the same time. i think i have some time of ailment or maybe i just need to let myself go more.

after the training, a friend of mine came to school too to pay for her tuition in order to see her grades. the deliberation of grades for the second semester is today. i hugged her before going home. i chose to walk home to save money (because unfortunately, we aren't rich and we live in a third world country with a bunch of corrupt politicans who steal the Filipinos’ taxes aside from making them pay from a debt they didn't fucking cause. fuck you, Marcoses.) and on the way home, i bought siomai! yum.

i ate siomai and the dish my uncle cooked as lunch. then, i proceeded to sit in my desk (which is at my grandpa's room) and occupy myself. i tried to draw but i really do not have motivation and ended up fucking my anatomy practice. i settled to scrolling on tiktok and feeding myself dopamine until my timer ran out. i feel like a zombie most of the time because of social media, honestly. but tumblr's different. i rarely ever scroll on tumblr. i just use it as an open diary.

while in my desk, i thought a cat ate my chickens. i have pet chickens named jojo and benben. turns out, no one ate anything. a stray cat stumbled upon our house and followed my auntie (who first saw it) and gave it food. the stray cat isn't yet fully grown up and seems to be somebody else's pet because it's squeaky clean. it's also not agressive, and playful aside from that. my family members are speculating that it's grandma that came back for us because it just won't leave our house no matter what. i named the cat Saucy as a tribute to my other chicken, Suzie who passed away because a cat ate them :((

it's 6:41 pm right now so i cannot consider my day done yet. i wanted to read today but after frying my brain due to scrolling too much on social media, i lost my motivation and settled to feeling so low, empty, and aimless. i feel aimless most of the time. my potential is wasted, i do not know how to socialize, i feel so uncomfortable with myself. sigh. but i hope it'll get better. right now though, i am so tired.

i am so proud of my grades, though. or maybe not. i get it all the time. but i still want to gain people's admiration and my mom's praises. my average is 97 this semester and my overall average this grade according to my computation is 96. is that great enough for people to be blown away? i don't know. getting high grades is expected of me all the time. it's the only thing i'm literally good at and school is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

i don't know why this entry of mine turned very melodramatic but i definitely feel better after writing it all out like this. thanks internet for apps like these. it's the only thing you did great.ㅤ

right now, i'm hungry. so i guess i'll eat.ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ended, 6:55 pm

🩷ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

greetings !

07 / 03 / 23

hello! i hope you're having a good day so far, stranger. (i really do.) since no one here knows me, i am treating this platform as an outlet for my thoughts and a storage for the memories i'd like to remember. feel free to skim through, that's perfectly fine. you can also comment or message me, i am an extrovert and i am lacking interaction these days, so i'm a bit desperate for any company who wants to come by. x D

here are some things you need to know about me:

1. i'm 17, turning 18 by January next year. (goddamn i am not ready to be a full fledged adult yet. i feel like a scared baby chick stuck in the body of a teen turning into an adult.)

2. i use she / her pronouns and i am bi. homophobes, racists, and mysoginists are not welcome in my page.

3. my entries here are most likely to contain negative things, but i'll be putting trigger warnings the best i can. however, i can't assure i'll recognize a posts of mine needs a cw or a tw all of the time. if you know it's possible for you to get triggered by negativity or heavy, serious topics, i suggest you block me or click away from my page. if a posts needs a warning and it doesn't have one, please let me know ! thank you !

4. i'm a feminist and i am not a fan of people who condemn it.

5. English is not my first language. so it's possible for some of my posts not be written in English. if you want to know what a certain Filipino post means, you can request a translation in the comments ! :DD

that is all ! have good day !

🩷

The urge to disappear from all socials and then starts living your life quietly with just simple things.

being mean had always felt wrong within my body. my hearts jumps and winces deep inside when I yell at my younger cousins. it's like its saying, “don't do this, this isn't you.” but how am I supposed to listen to myself when I'm nothing but a child?

I don't know but I think I've always been a nice and warm person. it's just harsh family cycles are indifferent to warmth. it's strange to see real love as we've all been brainwashed cruelty is the real thing and kindness is nothing but pretense in order to be liked. I think being unkind has felt strange in our veins even once. but we're forced to be accustomed to it because it's all that's ever thought to us in the beggining of 6 years old.

now, I'm 17. how I wished I listened less to adults when they told me I had to be this and that and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. I wish I didn't let them brainwash me into thinking that anger makes you strong and being soft and non dominant is weak. it's hard to unlearn all these toxic patterns but I'm trying my best to be kinder and empathetic like how universe had always intended kids to be.

I can't even with those who says they 'hate' kids. not liking them is one thing but wanting them to cry or get hurt is just wrong. if they're cringe, it means a part of you sees yourself in them. maybe you're being insecure. (saying this in the kindest, well meaning way possible.)

oh no, universe, please. don't let me want things again, i can't withstand it. something in me is undulating, restless. i have so many beautiful things and beautiful friends and all my needs are met. and still, this ache - when i get back and go to bed, she stirs in me again. not quite, she says, keep looking. you're not home yet.