Mon. March 22 2021

6:16PM Don’t love the King more than he loves his people.

Mon. Mar 8 2021

3:10PM Most of us want to get rich so we can save the world. What do the rich want?

3:17PM The real tell-tale sign of where you’re at on the scale of trauma is trauma everybody goes through it unolympic pain contest is asking somebody if they want to trade you.

The people in the back just shut up.

Tues. February 23 2021

12:51PM Do people realize mental health is more a result of environment than it is the neurochemistry? Like for example:

Mon. February 22 2021

8:45PM

Things nobody ever asks

How are you, Maid?

By blood

Thurs. February 18 2021

7:27PM I need to go home (I am homeless)

Mon. February 15 2021

9:58AM Not much to say lately, I’m actually around good people. They’re nice to me. They remember me.

Wed. February 3 2021

2:14PM It’s his birthday today. I’ve been chronically rolling through sentiment. Everyone’s calling nobody. Eh. Every song. I’m here to share some (of my) quotes since we’re all thinking it - and Loki as I am, I’m Unique.

Lol @ me hearing people talking in my head while I'm talking to myself like hey I'm talking here

Cigarette smoke looks like angel hair - Or what I imagine it smells like

Rather be alone than with myself

I feel like Doc in that scene where he screams "it doesn't exist!"

There you go. OC season.

2:18PM Oh yeah, guess if I’m sober.

Sat. January 24 2021

12:30AM Cool couple of weeks living off the land. I’ve been back in touch since Friday. Recently stimulating: “Would things have been worse had I have done better?” Also, why the fuck is this what defines politics? The working impression is that politics is the organization of expectations and boundaries within a shared society. The practice of discussing and communicating publicly the ever-evolving practices of our best living. Eh, I guess it’s interpretation. Manipulation. One of the ation words. Like nation.

12:39AM Our nation? Our our bodies? Watching a Scientology doc atm’s why I’m wondering. What’s the power wanted over? I know what I’m more interested in. Politics.

2:15AM Sorta pissed it’s not Mark’s birthday now. (Not saying it was the 23rd) Here’s a great Segway solution to the COVID-19 crisis in LTC: Everyone living in a old age home is mandated to reintegrate into their family household and everyone in their home has priority access to immunization. Could (have) resolve (ing) a lot of prevent (ing) death (inevitable) (it make(d)s (crazy) sense to me) (why are they even living there) ?

Thurs. January 7 2020

1:39PM For my OG fans

Sat. January 3 2021

4:51PM It’s sad out. Especially in the Winter, it’s also dark. I went out today to see An Uncle (traditional) thank God. I was getting loopy at Lapin’s. Cabin fever. It’s real. Tomorrow I’ll see about a bus ticket. I haven’t heard from anybody and nobody’s heard shit. “I’m being taken care of” the movies are re-runs, and I only need to see them once to know they’re worth rewatching. “It makes sense to me” everyone in their heads. Another hero gone - to be remembered by his brothers. He had personally touched my life when I had first met death. Respectfully. Hades signs in Olympus. That one won’t make sense to me either, if you’re wondering and won’t ask. I’m alive and doing fine ;)

6:55PM I once identified as “a trans-woman who is gay and I have a vagina.”

Sun. December 27 2020

8:39AM Happy New Year guys, I’m still using. I’m trying to make a deal with God to get sober in 2021. Like on weed sober. He hasn’t got back to me. The apartment is mostly packed. I still have more than I thought which is humbling. Humbling is starting to feel too much like degrading. Home Sweet Sadawa. As far as powerlessness in my life I’ve been up and down the highway beside myself. My out loud words are finding it harder to represent my inside world. If the higher powers really put us here, it wasn’t just to sacrifice. Especially things that aren’t mine.. only one direction left.

6:58PM Call me A****A anything else just ask.

“I did not bow down to you, I bowed down to all the suffering of humanity.”

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

Fri, December 11 2020

12:15PM A REAL FAKE STORY: BAE TODAY: What was so bad about doing drugs? I’m not sure why everyone got really worried and offended that I have been using crystal meth. They don’t talk to me about it, ask me about it, worry about it or even notice it. Most the time it’s out of their way unless I’m trying to say hi and make myself laugh.. given nobody has seen me in person for years. Hahah since meth pissed them off. Me smoking it at home. Paying for it (like not before expenses) and still being sober enough to be alive usually. I think it could be that they are worried I am going to die. Or call them. Or stay up late even when I don’t even work yet. Let’s figure out when I worked: first month sober August 2019. Sometimes I’d go a few days after that relapse. Not sleeping was what really gets them. Then I think I got a second job.. didn’t last long. Used a bit more. Moved apartments in Jan 2020. Got sober for maybe 2 weeks? Couple days at least of straight sleep, no couch. Winter was sunny, again. Missed it.. really high and mostly 100% unsafe in my own home from family, police and the guy fucking me. Usually not loving. Brutally. I hadn’t slept so bad dream? No one was there except my Mom. I don’t know what she did at first but it wasn’t mean and I got kinda mad when I went back. Sober for another week. Always using because that’s why I stay awake. They’re worried about my safety. I pick up almost never but nobody asks me that. I got abused, drugs. Everyone’s mad. Chill on the blog. Soooo then got a job for legit 1 day at some bs. Got busy instead, might have stayed sober another week. Punched myself in the fucking face and went to the psych/ started being told to go to treatment. I laughed but went along with it. They were full because COVID but because I smoked meth my parents told me that I hardly even tried to get in. Witnesses. Classmates. Former. Mom hooked me up with CCC. Once. I went. That’s cool. Wanna talk for 15 mins? “You smoke meth?” “Yes” “that is your problem. You want to talk?” “Yes lol I’m high” “That’s cute. Your Mom asked if I could call after?” “This was supposed to work?” That was King St. Notched. Got high all day obviously lol. Slept every week who knows what the fuck that asshole was doing but some days I tripped balls straight up don’t talk about the hospital and my charges are mine, minus the fucking cop straight up punching me in the face then bending me over a bed. Plus the ones I didn’t lay. Whatever. Courthouse. I was high fr some those times. Tried to get help continuously when I was on my phone or had a car. Stolen. Thank God. I drive stick. I can see if they knew this at all why they would want answers from me, but truthfully avoid me in traffic. Sober again for a week after anytime I used pretty much, since my Mom found out. It uh, started coming to my apartment and my neighbours found out. Then fuuuuuuuuuuucking COVID. In March? Ok. Obviously at Cedar St first. Real beef. With drugs? Nobody could talk to me anymore. I was making no sense and who the fuck knows where They went. Jerking off in the kitchen because I was on my phone too much. Truthfully. Why the fuck not, I thought let’s be honest and we could have sex together. Hmu so he gave me straight up chlamydia while I cried in the basement. Disfigured. From staying awake waiting to feel.... safe. No. He raped me. Which to be fair, I had no one else around but an abuser and the police were trying to help him. Didn’t know I needed it. Assumed the people in my life were helping. I was the one on drugs remember? Ugh. Him too. So inconvenient when they’d come by after the gym to say “you’re smoking meth” Thank you. What now? Anyways got evicted from that place after robbed and trashed (me too) stayed sober for whatever, everyone went to jail jk bro code so he was good. I got help moving. Literally stalk me but don’t talk to me? Friendship. Respectfully, I have no friends left after that shit. Smoked meth. Didn’t tell anyone I needed help. They said it’s only a drug problem. 10 toes down for my cat and dog.

Thurs. December 10 2020

1:35AM Fidget spinner for falling asleep. Read my diary. Wrote here this time. Still sober. Still smoking meth. I barely get stoned. Need a fidget spinner.

2:17AM Ate twice today.

3:19AM it’s darker irl, I’m moving ✌️

4:49AM A long lost timeline I found on the table.. tbt.

6 months and 10 days ago my lifelong friend and roommate got sick. 4 years ago I started making my bed every morning. 22 years ago, my mom had me at the age 16. 16 years before that her mother had her. 6 months and 9 days ago I took her to the hospital. Almost a year ago I joined Goodlife and started working on my fitness like Fergie. About 2 years ago me and my first and only real best friend of 4 years decided to go separate ways. He was also my boyfriend. 11 years ago I published a painful book of poetry. 19 years ago both my parents had shown their disinterest in raising a child. 2 years ago I always woke up next to him. Last year we started seeing other people. The next year I found myself another relationship, and an assault charge. 6 years ago I got my first apartment. 1 year and 1 month ago I got stranded in Florida. 8 years ago I moved away and started renting rooms. Last year I started college. 6 months and 9 days ago she wanted to leave the hospital and I let her. 6 months and 8 days ago I came home and she was dead. Yesterday I counted my Pikachu piggy bank. 8 years ago I got my first job. 6 months ago he came to my birthday. 6 months ago we decided to start going the same way again. 5 months and 15 days ago was my last text from him. 5 months and 25 days ago he went to bed and never woke up. He was next to his girlfriend. 2 seconds ago I looked out the Windows ..10 minutes ago I started writing this. 4 years ago I was self sufficient. 4 months ago I stopped being able to make rent. 4 months from now I will graduate college. 8 months from now I will start University. 5 weeks from now I will begin my placement. 2 years from now I will be a probation officer. Ten years from now I will be a program developer. 15 years from now I will change the educational system. 20 years from now I will change the welfare system. Right now.. I could really use some help.

Anyone’s guess.

9:58AM My Mom was a Discman. She’s taking me to the mall at noon.

“Human suffering anywhere concerns men and women everywhere.”

— Elie Wiesel, Night

Thurs. Dec. 3 2020

12:02PM Today he said lol to me 💓🧠👚👙👛🐽🐙🌸🌷🍇🍣🩰🕌⏰🔮🪠🎀🔑🪅🗞📯🤍💮🔱❔🔤🔊🗯♣️ jk.

12:55PM Good, I confused them. Now they’ll learn something.

Wed. December 2 2020

4:10 Sugar, is it okay if I hate Badson now?